Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Cheated on By a Threesome | Danny Dunn | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Cheated on By a Threesome | Danny Dunn | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, it's good to be in Ohio.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I am from the Midwest as well, so it's good to be back.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta go home.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I got to go home before I came to this.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so fun to go home because you get to see what new weird things your parents are doing.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: The new thing my dad is doing is he's almost completely blinded, but he won't get glasses because he's embarrassed he thinks glasses make him look old.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of getting glasses, my dad has been carrying around a giant magnifying glass.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And anytime he needs to see, he just pulls out the magnifying glass.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, you definitely don't look old.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: You do look like Inspector Gadget.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's humongous.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I found out because we were at a restaurant together, we were at dinner, and he pulled it out to read the menu.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Dad, what are you doing?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is concerning.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Oh, what?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're embarrassed?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, because you drove us here.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is crazy.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My parents are so great.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: They're just very simple people, they're very Midwestern people.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's great.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: My mom's the same way.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're just they're just like so friendly.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: People are almost like suspicious of how nice they are.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, especially like girlfriends.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're a girl meeting my parents is like going on daytime TV, because my mom will bring in the house and be like, okay, I understand that you do marketing, but I would have guessed supermodel because you are so pretty.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Tom, isn't she pretty?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad will be like, She sure is, Dana.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now you two keep talking while I fall asleep in this chair.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's no great you guys might think I'm joking, but I swear to God, the last girl I brought home, my mom brought her into the house, and within the first five minutes, she wanted to make her feel like part of the family.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So she made this girl stand against our doorframe, and then she measured her and marked her height on the doorframe.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, just as a general rule, I don't date girls who should be expecting growth spurts.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that's a dynamite rule.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, you want your mom to like get to know your girlfriend, not perform like a physical evaluation on her.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: My girlfriend was like, Do you think your mom even likes me?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, that's all gonna depend on your 40-yard dash.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't I don't know.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'd lace them up tight, is what I do.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: They're awesome.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait to get older.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I can already tell it's happening.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: There are some signs.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was almost completely bald about three years ago.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was losing my hair.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can you believe it or not?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't ready to lose my hair.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like me balding, I just looked like Blake Griffin if he had polio.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So Dad ringer.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't ready to lose it.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to the doctor and I got on this medication called Propecia.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, take this every day, your hair will grow back.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I will warn you, you will become dependent on this chemical.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you ever stop taking this medication, you will lose all of your hair within 30 days.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, are you giving me a prescription or am I being cursed by a witch?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's cra I have to take it every day for the rest of my life to have hair.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So now I don't feel like I have hair.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have a subscription to my hair.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does this make sense?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's made compliments meaningless.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because finally people are starting to be like, oh my god, I love your hair.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, thanks, but it's a rental.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get attached.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's also so expensive.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have to pay for it every month out of pocket.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys realize how much pressure I'm under at my job that if I lose my job, I will also lose my hair?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've never worked harder in my life.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: My boss is like, oh my god, somebody wants a promotion.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I want a ponytail.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, no, no, no, like, where do you see yourself like in five years?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I feel like here would be cool.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that'd be cool.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And my dad's a baldman.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You've seen these people, they're everywhere.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he they are amongst us.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And he found out he found out how much I pay to have hair.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you know how weird dads get about money?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: He got so mad.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Daniel, this is so irresponsible.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: What a waste of money.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Don't you want to own a home one day?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, My brother, are you not listening to me?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even own my own hair.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: A home isn't even the next thing I'd like to buy.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm building equity right now, is what I'm doing.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to lose my hair because you guys just stopped hating people with red hair.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, did you notice that?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't always this way.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: When I was in sixth grade, the Gingers Have No Souls episode of South Park came out.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: We remember, yes, there we go.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't oh red hair, there we go.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You get it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: You'll remember you'll relate to this.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't watch South Park because my parents aren't divorced, so I didn't.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't know what you guys were into.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Completely missed the boat.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: You guys got so weird for so long.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's starting to calm down, which is great.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: It makes my life easier.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: It makes a lot of things easier.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like uh it makes dating a lot easier.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm already a very specific person to date in relationships.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm really emotional in relationships, which I think is cool, but it also kind of makes dating me like dating a Christian camp counselor.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because like I talk about my feelings a lot and I smell like sunscreen most of the time.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm always trying to have sex with you.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that I think that completes the metaphor for sure, right?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Relatable.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I end up in a lot of see if you relate to this.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I end up I end up in a lot of weird dating situations.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh like the last girl uh I dated, we broke up uh because she cheated on me, which is a bummer, okay?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Tough to forget.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Also tough because when my mom measured her, she used permanent marker.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's still there.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Every time I go home, there's a reminder that I am still alone and that she is still 5'7.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a part of me that believes no matter how much time passes, she'll always be 5'7.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little more complicated.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: We broke up because she cheated on me, stay with me, by having a threesome.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oof.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no one knows what to say to you when this happens.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You guys felt the energy in the room.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: No one knows what to say to you.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I told my best friend in the world, and he goes, Oh.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Which you know it's it's bad news when you confuse someone so much they become Japanese.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's bad news.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I told him I was like, my girlfriend cheated on me in a threesome, and he goes, Oh my God, do you mean without you?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah, without me.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I would be just telling the story so much differently.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, how would I get cheated on and be there?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm hooking up with my girlfriend, and I'm like, wait a second, what's going on back there?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Who the hell is this?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: No, I was not there.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else was in attendance except for me.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: But to her credit, I found out because she told me.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: She apologized, okay?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: She sat me down and she goes, I need to tell you something, I'm sorry.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I had a threesome.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's tough to accept an apology when it feels like the person's also doing a sick brag.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, cool guy, good for you.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And she wanted to keep dating, which I thought was crazy.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: She thought we could work through it.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when your girlfriend has a threesome, it reminded me a lot of when growing up my dog ate a bunch of chocolate.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I hope you enjoyed the experience because this is goodbye.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Shouldn't have put all that stuff in your mouth, you know what I mean?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not my fault.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the story just got worse and worse and worse.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, you don't understand.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was an accident.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I was at this party and I just walked in on these two people and and I joined.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's less relatable.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've walked in on people having sex before, never been asked to lend a hand.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: To be fair, I was 12 and it was my parents.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you would not believe what my dad was doing with the magnifying glass.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know what that could mean.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Use your imagination.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'll tell you guys one more story real fast.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: This might not surprise you at this point, but but growing up, uh, I had some some strange interests.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was obsessed with magic growing up.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's the premise, not the punchline.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I loved magic so much my hero was TV magician Chris Angel.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys know the mind freak?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know who he is, picture like if a Ouija board had a six-pack was kind of Chris Angel.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I love magic.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: In middle school, I love magic.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I rode a Unicycle to school.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I had not that close either.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I rode it a long way.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I had really long red hair and I would wear a shark toothed necklace every day.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: In middle school, these are the four horsemen of eating lunch alone.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I love magic.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would I would practice, you know, Chris Angel's magic.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I would practice magic in like escapes in my room for hours and hours.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I even thought it'd be cool to dress like Chris Angel.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: But but I didn't own leather pants as a child.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So one day in sixth grade at the height of Gingers Have No Souls, I wore a full wetsuit to school.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, no one thought I looked like Chris Angel.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Between the long red hair and the wetsuit, I looked like Shark Boy and Lava Girl.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: People were were wildly confused.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I would, like I said, I would practice his tricks and his escapes in my room for hours and hours.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And stay with me one more time.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like middle school is the perfect time to learn magic because no one wants to interrupt a 14-year-old boy who's locked in his bedroom.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone just assumes you're doing a different slate of hand in there.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd be in there for hours, and finally my mom was getting suspicious, and one day she burst through the door, and I swear to God, I was fully handcuffed to my bed frame.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she comes in, and you just see the face of a woman being like, This is worse than I could have ever imagined.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, Daniel, what are you doing?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is ridiculous.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Relax, I'll put them back in your nightstand.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's the what's the big deal?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Chill.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my parents thought I was just gross pervert, which you guys know me.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know me.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all know me, okay?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad's a real straight shirt.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: He sits me down.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Hey, your mother told me what you've been doing in your bedroom.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Magic.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, I know it feels good, but that's gross.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I'm gonna ask you one question, and I need you to be honest with me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Where are you putting it all?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Dad, what?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm 13.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing I've wanted to do with a girl at this point in my life is saw one and a half.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea what he's talking about.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Don't lie to me.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: When your brother was your age, he clogged his shower drain.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: When my brother was your age, he would do it into his socks and put it into the laundry.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: If your mom finds where you're putting it all, she's gonna freak out.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you tell me right now, where are you putting it all?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Dad, first of all, a magician never tells.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Second of all, have you checked behind your ear?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, guys, that's my time on day done.