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5 Differences In Trauma Bonds and Real Love · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  So what's the difference between trauma bonds and true love?
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  Then we'll talk about today. Y'all we hopping right into it
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  as well. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist here
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  to give you the inside look at the mind of a narcissist.
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  And we're talking about trauma bonds versus true love, trauma
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  bonding, trauma bond, the trauma bond versus true, authentic real
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  love. What are the differences?
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  How do you know whether or not you in one of the OR the other?
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  So I'm going to read off this list I found from coach Angel
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  Rose, right? Trauma bond 1st and then true
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  love. If you don't know what a trauma
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  bond is, it's a deep emotional connection that a victim
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  develops with their abuser. The person that is abusing them,
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  they start bonding, not love. You notice I said bonding.
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  It feels like love. It looks like love.
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  It's love adjacent, but it's not love.
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  It's trauma bonding victim to abuser, right?
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  So got it good. The first thing they have on
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  here right? The first difference it says
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  trauma bonds. The relationship starts with
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  instant attraction in irresistible chemistry versus
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  true love. The relationship, the
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  relationship starts with attraction and curiosity that
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  builds over time. So the toxic relationship
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  dynamic with a narcissistic person or toxic person Yeah it
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  starts off hot and heavy. Y'all hear about love bombing?
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  Yes, it starts off just burning hot heat.
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  Both of these, the similarities, both start with attraction.
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  You have to be attracted to the person that you're with, right?
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  In what? Some way, shape or form?
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  But trauma bonding, love bombing, right.
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  This starts off just like head over heels.
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  We all here. Yeah, you, you.
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  It's kind of like This is why I described a different job.
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  True love starts at the bottom of the mountain and you work
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  your way to the top. Real love builds over time.
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  Trauma bonds, narcissistic relationship, toxic abusive
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  relationships start off at the mountain peak.
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  It's like you get air dropped a, a helicopter drops you off at
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  the peak of Mount Everest, right?
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  You're already there. You get you, you start at the
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  peak, whereas everybody else at the beginning of relationship
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  starts off at the bottom and you climb together.
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  The narcissistic relationship, the trauma bonding relationship
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  starts off at the peak. And if you're already at the
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  peak, where does it go from here down, right?
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  The second thing they have on here, y'all, there's five things
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  on here, right? The second difference, they have
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  the relationship trauma bond. The relationship is highly
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  physical and a lot of clapping cheeks.
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  It says actual, right versus true love connection is
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  physical, actual emotional and intellectual.
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  So physical, you see, the physical nature of it is part of
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  it, right? Physical, y'all is hot and heavy
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  in the bedroom. There's a lot of clapping
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  cheeks, a lot of getting cheeks clap, right?
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  But also true love is a deep emotional and intellectual
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  connection as well. Trauma bonding typically lacks
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  that. It's not, it feels emotional, it
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  feels intellectual, but it's really not.
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  A lot of times in these toxic relationship dynamics, y'all
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  you, the only time you feel valued is when there's intimacy
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  moments of intimacy. It's when you're in the bedroom,
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  which is why it's so hard for people to leave when so many
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  people claim like the narcissist or abuser, they're like, it was
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  so good in the bedroom. I just can't find a way to let
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  it go. I'm never going to get my cheeks
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  clapped like that again. I'm never going to find a set of
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  cheeks like that again, Lee. I don't want to leave them,
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  right, which I understand, right?
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  I get it. Trust me, I get it.
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  But you see the differences between it right there.
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  Like the trauma bonding lacks the real true emotional and
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  intellectual connection. It seems like you have it
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  though, but you only really get it when you're in the bedroom
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  and when you with a toxic, abusive person, a narcissist,
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  right? A lot of times they know that
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  this is the only connection that you have so they withhold it
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  sometimes. Sometimes they punish you by
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  withholding it. Yeah, they'll have you begging
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  to sleep with them. They're like they'll have you
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  begging them to sleep with them, male or female or person, right?
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  They'll have you begging to sleep with them.
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  And y'all just speaking from a man, right?
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  Y'all know I'm a narcissist. If a woman begs me, I'm like I'm
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  on the top of the world. You begging for that girl.
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  You begging? I don't know, I'll be putting it
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  down. No, damn, you want it that bad?
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  No, it makes them feel good to tell you no.
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  Sometimes it makes them feel good to punish you by
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  withholding intimacy because they know to you that that's
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  probably the only connection that you have.
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  You see how that works right there?
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  So be very weary when you're dealing with an abusive,
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  manipulative, horrible ass person that withholds intimacy.
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  The third thing that they have right here.
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  Y'all #3 The relationship cycles the Trump bond.
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  The relationship cycles through extreme highs and lows versus
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  true love. The relationship is stable and
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  based on mutual respect. True love.
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  Yeah. The crazy thing about it is true
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  love can seem like it can seem boring.
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  State this this the stability can seem boring.
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  Can it you just going in that straight line?
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  Of course, in the real relationship and even in the
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  true love relationship, it'll be out the the the roads are not
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  like the roads are not in the rich neighborhood.
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  It's a this a poor neighborhood, right?
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  The roads got divots. The you're going to be a bumps.
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  There's going to be some bumps, so ups and downs, right?
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  You're going to have some a bumpy Rd.
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  It's going to be a very, very bumpy Rd.
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  But if narcissistic relationship are not bumpy roads, these are
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  like peaks, highs, highs and lows, highs and lows and Nets.
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  Right there contributes to the bonding that contributes to the
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  bond. Sometimes right there y'all
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  these high, these differences right here contribute to the
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  trauma bond. I'm dead serious.
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  It contributes to the bonding when you have bonded to your
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  abuser like this. It happens so much to so many
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  people. I promise you.
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  The ups and downs, the very the high peaks and the low valleys
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  get you addicted and make you make you feel like you're
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  obsessed with this person. So a normal relationship with
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  true love is exists. You're riding on that road.
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  It can seem, it can seem boring, y'all?
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  Peace can seem boring sometimes. But that toxic relationship boom
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  boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right?
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  It's crazy how that works. And sometimes y'all, when you
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  get out of a trauma bonding relationship and you're in a
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  real love relationship, y'all, it can seem like that peace can
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  seem like boredom and make you miss the trauma bond, make you
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  miss the narcissist relationship, right?
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  So be very weary when that happens because so many people
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  do experience this happening to them right here.
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  Like where you get out of the toxic narcissistic relationship,
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  the trauma bonding relationship, and now all of a sudden you feel
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  bored because this piece feels boring because you're so used to
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  chaos, narcissistic relationship, trauma bonding
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  relationships or full of chaos. You know, your, your, your damn
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  nervous system doesn't have an opportunity to stabilize.
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  It's always, it's chaotic, right?
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  The fourth thing, the 4th difference right here.
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  Y'all important. Like trauma bond says, important
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  conversations are avoided versus true love.
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  Important conversations are a priority.
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  Like so many people and I, I and I, this is right here.
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  While I hear a lot of people, I'm talking to people over Zoom
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  right at mentalillness.net. So many people when they come to
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  me and it's just like, well, we never argue, we never fuss, we
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  never fight to meet y'all. When you, when people say they
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  never argue or fussify, I think this red flaggy.
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  Y'all are not exact. Y'all are not carping copies of
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  each other. Somebody's not speaking their
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  piece. Somebody's being stifled to
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  avoid arguments, to avoid tough conversations, because you know,
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  if you bring something up, it's going to be shut down or an
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  argument is going to happen. Like, you know, there's no in
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  the, in the trauma bonding relationship, there's no such
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  thing as healthy conflict resolution versus a real
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  authentic true love relationship.
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  Healthy conflict exists. We are going to argue here and
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  there, but these arguments are not going to lead to the end of
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  our relationship because no, we're not going to go overboard
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  and threaten to harm each other or threaten to go cheat or
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  threaten to hit each other, whatever, right?
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  Like a toxic narcissistic person will do.
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  So when people say we never argue, I'm like, who's getting
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  stifled? Who's not speaking their mind,
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  Who's not speaking their truth because someone is avoiding it?
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  I'm just keeping hot and ready. I'm just, I don't make the
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  rules. I'm just talking about the hot
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  and ready nature of it, right? So that's the big difference
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  right there. You in real, in real authentic,
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  true love relationships, you're going to have the tough
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  conversations. Whereas in toxic narcissistic
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  relationship where trauma bonds exist, you're not going to do
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  that. And a lot of times, because you
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  don't want to have those conversations, although you, you
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  do want to have those conversations, you just know
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  that they're not going you not they're not going to end the way
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  you know that you want them to end.
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  They're going to end in an argument.
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  The other person going to have narcissistic rage.
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  They're going to shut down. They give you the solid
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  treatment. They're going to threaten to
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  leave, threaten to hit you, threaten to abandon you,
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  whatever, right? Threaten to unalive you.
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  You see what I'm saying? The fifth way, the last way that
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  they have on here. Difference between trauma bond
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  and true love trauma bonds. The relationship feels like an
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  addiction that you are powerless to quit versus true love.
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  The relationship feels like an honor, a privilege and a choice.
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  A choice yes, true love feels like a choice like I'm choosing
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  to love, I'm choosing to be loved.
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  It's y'all true love relationships.
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  There's a lot of reciprocation going on there like we're
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  reciprocating. You love me, I love you, you
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  see, and that happens the, the back and forth goes on in these
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  relationships. You love me, you show me love, I
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  love you, I show you love. Whereas in trauma bonding
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  relationships, it, I hear a lot of people when I'm talking to
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  them over zoom or in my support groups, a lot of people describe
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  the trauma bond as an addiction. And some people who have who
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  have beat, who have battled addiction and defeated
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  addiction, right, have said that sometimes the narcissistic
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  relationship, the trauma bond, that addiction can be harder to
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  break than a actual a drug addiction, drug addiction or
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  addiction, alcohol. And one of the things I tell
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  people I was like, yeah, it makes sense because, you know,
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  drugs and alcohol don't have a voice, right?
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  They can't come to you and talk to you unless you're
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  hallucinating. Yeah.
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  Like meth can't show up at your doorstep.
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  And just like here, here smoking me, right, Your narcissistic ex
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  scan your abusive X can, your toxic X can.
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  They can pop up at the door, can't they, and tell you to take
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  them back. They can pop up on you, right?
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  They can say they're sorry. They can pretend to change for a
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  little while. The drugs and alcohol can't do
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  that right? And that's why just saying like,
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  you have to like it takes so, so much power and will to break an
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  actual trauma bond. It is insane how difficult it is
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  to break. But so many people I've talked
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  to have broken it right. There are some people that are
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  so deep into it is going to take them a while to climb out of it.
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  But so many people that I've spoken to had the opportunity to
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  speak to that have taken my courses as well, have said that
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  they've they've broken. And I'm so thankful for those
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  people. Like, yeah, the good job on you
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  breaking that. I know that's tough as hell to
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  break. I know that's in a, that's a
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  very difficult thing to break this overall in general, right?
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  So if you are like, say dealing with a narcissistic person talks
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  a person or whatever and you feel like you might be trauma
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  bonding to them, like I'm available for coaching.
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  There's a lot of other narcissistic abuse coaches,
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  therapists out there. They can help you outbreak the
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  trauma bond as well. I have a course called Finding
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  your Why that details how to heal from narcissistic abuse.
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  You can find that at mentalillness.net.
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  And also you can enter the code mothers or fathers for 50% off
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  of that in my other courses as well to help you heal y'all.
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  Because trauma bonds can be extremely difficult to break.
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  And so many people describe love as the trauma bond.
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  They're like, I just can't. I love this person so much.
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  I love them so much. It's so hard for me to break up
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  with them 'cause I love them. I like, is it love or trauma
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  bond? Like love doesn't feel like
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  this. Love doesn't hurt.
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  Love doesn't bring you pain. Love doesn't have you crying
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  every single day. Love doesn't have you take you
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  to a dark place wanting to harm yourself because you can't
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  breakthrough to this person. Love that love listens.
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  Love hears this other person you can't talk to.
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  How is that love right? Do you feel loved outside of the
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  bedroom every once in awhile? No, or narcissistic people,
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  toxic people will breadcrumb you to make you feel like that.
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  They love you. They'll do little bits and
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  pieces here to make you feel like you're being loved.
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  It's just tricky, right? This is tricky.
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  They trick. There's tricksters, you know
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  what I mean? Anyway, y'all mental illness.net
• 12:24
  for all things Lee Hammock. Click one of these on the screen
• 12:27
  right here if you haven't already.
• 12:29
  Also, I'm looking for somebody to design some thumbnails for
• 12:32
  me. If you're looking to help me
• 12:33
  design some thumbnails for my upcoming videos or my print
• 12:38
  videos in the past, just shoot me.
• 12:40
  Shoot me an e-mail at info.info@mentalillness.net and
• 12:44
  let's talk about some thumbnails, y'all.
• 12:46
  Y'all see how many videos I got? Just take it easy on me.
• 12:49
  Hit the subscribe button y'all. I'm out.
• 12:51
  Peace.