Latest / #Divorce: Support before, during and after with Sarah-Jane / Season 4 Episode 4 : Parenting Without Perfection — with Positive Parenting Coach Anisa Lewis

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Season 4 Episode 4 : Parenting Without Perfection — with Positive Parenting Coach Anisa Lewis · #Divorce: Support before, during and after with Sarah-Jane

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to our podcast.
• 0:03
  I'm Sarah Jane Taster, family mediator and French family
• 0:07
  lawyer based in the UK and I'm joined by my Co host Audrey
• 0:11
  Zitoun, life and Relationship coach based in London.
• 0:16
  Together we explore everything connected to relationship,
• 0:19
  parenting and well-being. Our aim is to support you
• 0:23
  through every stage of your personal journey, whether you're
• 0:27
  facing separation or divorce, navigating Co parenting, or
• 0:31
  simply seeking A healthier, more fulfilling life.
• 0:35
  Through each episode, we blend legal insights, coaching tools,
• 0:40
  and personal experiences to offer you thoughtful guidance,
• 0:44
  practical advice, and compassionate support.
• 0:48
  We also invite inspiring guests who share their own stories and
• 0:53
  expertise, hoping to give you clarity, strength, and
• 0:57
  confidence to move forward. If you'd like to learn more
• 1:02
  about what we do outside of this podcast, you'll find all the
• 1:06
  links in the episode notes. Now let's dive in today's topic.
• 1:12
  I'm truly. Delighted to welcome Anisu
• 1:15
  Lewis, a Speaker Mentor, an accredited Certified Positive
• 1:20
  Parenting Coach with over 25 years experience working with
• 1:25
  children and families. Before all the qualifications
• 1:29
  and the coaching. Anissa is first and foremost a
• 1:33
  mum, so she understands the highs, lows, humour and
• 1:37
  heartache of parenting from both a professional and deeply
• 1:42
  personal perspective. Anissa's passion is rooted in
• 1:46
  positive parenting, helping family raise happy, confident
• 1:49
  children through connection, curiosity and clear
• 1:52
  communication. Her work is all about setting
• 1:55
  boundaries with empathy, not judgement, and creating homes
• 1:59
  where every child and parent feels seen, heard and valued.
• 2:05
  Anissa works directly with parents in groups and through
• 2:09
  corporate well-being programs. Today we will be talking about
• 2:15
  how to move beyond stress and perfection, how to break old
• 2:21
  family patterns and how parenting can become a journey
• 2:24
  of progress rather than pressure.
• 2:27
  And he said, welcome you. It's such a pleasure to have you
• 2:31
  here today. Thank.
• 2:33
  You very much something we've talked about for ages, so I'm
• 2:35
  glad we've made it happen finally.
• 2:41
  Can you start telling us a bit about yourself?
• 2:44
  Yeah, absolutely. I was going to say that
• 2:46
  introduction, when you sit and you feel quite humbled when
• 2:48
  someone sort of reads an introduction about yourself and
• 2:50
  you're like, oh, that is me, I've done all of those things.
• 2:53
  So yeah, I'm Anissa Lewis. I'm a positive parenting coach.
• 2:56
  My background is teaching in education, so that's where I
• 2:58
  came from before I arrived at doing what I'm doing.
• 3:01
  I'm a mum to a 17 year old. You probably tell from my accent
• 3:05
  that we are based in Yorkshire at the moment.
• 3:08
  My formative years were in Australia where I grew up.
• 3:11
  My background is quite international, so I was born in
• 3:13
  Hong Kong to English parents. We relocated back to England,
• 3:16
  emigrated to Australia and then I saw the world before I found
• 3:20
  myself back in the UK. So yeah, we have a family dog
• 3:24
  who may appear on this podcast because she's got, I'm just
• 3:27
  going to say she's got the grounds of something going on
• 3:29
  today. So apologies in advance for
• 3:31
  that. I'm very much a glass half full
• 3:34
  kind of a person, but I'm also a realist.
• 3:36
  You've got to take into account the other side of to help fill
• 3:39
  your glass up a little further. Thank you.
• 3:43
  For this introduction and Lisa Oh, I'm always surprised when I
• 3:48
  realised you've come from Australia.
• 3:50
  I'm French and we met in Ilkley, Yorkshire.
• 3:54
  It shows you the world isn't that big after all.
• 3:58
  So you've been a teacher, deputy head, your coach and of course a
• 4:03
  mum. How did that journey lead you to
• 4:07
  positive parenting work? Yeah, it's an interesting one.
• 4:10
  It was one of those things that I think I've always had a
• 4:12
  calling that I wanted to work for myself.
• 4:15
  I loved being a teacher, I loved being a deputy head, I loved
• 4:18
  being in a leadership position, but above all I loved being a
• 4:21
  mum. I was very successful in my role
• 4:23
  and my next step would have been headship.
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  I did some soul searching at the time and I realised that my
• 4:28
  daughter, who was 7, seven or eight at the time, was being
• 4:34
  bought up at my desk at work because of the long hours or I
• 4:38
  was shoving her into every after school club that I could get to
• 4:42
  so I could eke out a few more hours.
• 4:44
  I would then rush through her bedtime routine so I could start
• 4:47
  work again. It wasn't the childhood I had
• 4:50
  imagined for my daughter. I knew something had to change.
• 4:55
  Working within the school sector.
• 4:57
  Your role is such a significant one for empowering children, but
• 5:01
  what I was finding more and more, probably through the
• 5:03
  deputy head role rather than my role within the classroom, is
• 5:07
  that you could only go so far with children and families
• 5:11
  within the school setting. It wasn't your remit to help
• 5:14
  them deal with the behaviour of their child.
• 5:18
  You could work on it, you could support the child, you could
• 5:21
  give the family advice within the classroom context, but
• 5:25
  ultimately it couldn't go further than that.
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  And I was seeing a lot of families and children who needed
• 5:31
  a bit of extra help. I knew I could give that and I
• 5:34
  knew it was a calling I was passionate about because I was
• 5:37
  always the person people came to for advice or because I love
• 5:40
  research, learning and applying things to my life and taking
• 5:44
  random things that actually got nothing to do with parenting and
• 5:47
  then applying them to parenting. And so it just was a natural, a
• 5:52
  natural next step. And actually I was at the point
• 5:54
  where I was like, do I become an organizer or do I go into the
• 5:58
  parenting forum? It was a chance encounter
• 6:00
  through a wonderful lady who had her own parenting business and
• 6:05
  was looking to support other people that I took.
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  The path I took, we were at the time I was living down in London
• 6:11
  and we relocated our family to West Yorkshire.
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  I started my business and the rest, as they say, is history,
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  just nine years of history. So yeah, that's how I came to do
• 6:22
  what I'm doing today. I then did some retraining
• 6:26
  because I love learning and I wanted to make sure I was
• 6:28
  qualified to do what I was doing other than the fact that I was,
• 6:31
  I've been an early years teacher for years, deputy head in a
• 6:34
  school from 4 year olds up to sixth form, but I still needed
• 6:39
  the qualifications to make sure that I knew what I was doing.
• 6:42
  So yeah, I did lots of retraining and now nine years
• 6:45
  doing what I'm doing today, all account all.
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  It's sort of like 25 plus years of experience I bring to what
• 6:50
  I'm doing with children that I work with.
• 6:55
  And you're still passionate. Oh yeah, absolutely.
• 6:58
  I think I'm probably more passionate now than I was.
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  What I think it's, it's about making impact.
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  It's really important for me and I feel I'm doing that.
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  I felt I did that in the classroom, but I feel I've got
• 7:10
  more freedom to do what I want with that impact now.
• 7:14
  Great, you often say. I've looked on your website, but
• 7:19
  what do you mean by that? And how do you help families
• 7:22
  start to believe it? Parenting is something that
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  doesn't come with a manual. Many of us do not have training
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  for it. I consider myself really
• 7:30
  blessed. The education degree I did was
• 7:32
  an early childhood. Once it looked at child
• 7:34
  development, it looked at lots of aspects that just a general
• 7:38
  education degree doesn't look at.
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  I'm a mum to a child who's neurodiverse and dyslexic and
• 7:45
  has taught me pretty much everything I need to know about
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  parenting through trial and error.
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  I come to it with a wealth of information and there are some
• 7:53
  days that I sit here and think. Most days I don't know what I'm
• 7:56
  doing. I don't want other people to be
• 7:57
  thinking that because I know that with a few tweaks, with a
• 8:00
  few insights, with just creating a space for parents to talk, to
• 8:05
  share, to reflect, we can help make parenting easier.
• 8:09
  And I believe lots of it is to do with your mindset.
• 8:14
  You believe a situation is hard, and then your brain looks for
• 8:18
  all the reasons to reinforce why that situation is hard because
• 8:22
  it thinks it's being helpful. But if we can get our brain to
• 8:25
  focus on the fact that it's feeling a bit easier today or in
• 8:29
  this moment, then the brain looks for all that evidence why
• 8:32
  it's easier today and why it's easier in the moment.
• 8:35
  And you suddenly think, oh, oh, I can do this.
• 8:38
  Oh, there is a glimmer of hope and all those kind of things.
• 8:41
  So I think mindset really does play a big part in why parents
• 8:46
  believe that parenting is hard. I think parents believe also
• 8:51
  that, you know, it's just going to come naturally to me.
• 8:53
  I'm just going to be able to do it.
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  And actually parenting does need to be learned.
• 8:58
  Just like our kids go to school to learn things or we in our
• 9:00
  careers go to professional development.
• 9:03
  It's the same for parenting. There are things in parenting
• 9:05
  that need to be learned. And I think we bring a lot of
• 9:09
  our our own childhood stuff into our parenting.
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  And actually parenting is a journey of unlearning some
• 9:17
  stuff. And sometimes we need some help
• 9:19
  along the way to just realise we're over complicating it with
• 9:22
  rewards charts and tick sheets and this and that and
• 9:25
  consequences for this and all the rest of it.
• 9:27
  Let's make it simple. Let's let's just bring it back
• 9:30
  to what it is. And what it is of its heart is
• 9:33
  connection. That's my passionate take on why
• 9:35
  parenting doesn't need to be hard.
• 9:39
  So when you say you have to learn things in parenting, how
• 9:44
  do people, how can people? Learn, I think it is it's those
• 9:48
  conversations with friends. It's that Googling at 2:00 in
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  the morning and chatting to chat GGBT, you know, it's all of
• 9:57
  those things where we're consulting and learning all of
• 10:00
  the time. I was chatting to a parent
• 10:01
  yesterday where she was saying, you know, I'm a great
• 10:04
  researcher. I've talked to my mum, I've
• 10:06
  talked to friends, I've read the books, but actually I need
• 10:10
  someone now who helps me apply it to my family.
• 10:13
  And that's where someone like myself or even yourself with the
• 10:16
  work that you do in the role that you take with families.
• 10:19
  Sometimes you need someone who's got an outside view, who's
• 10:22
  looking at it with that bird's eye view and actually saying
• 10:25
  you're doing amazing things. You know, your foundations are
• 10:28
  strong. Let's just sandpaper that little
• 10:31
  rough edge to get it back to what you want for your family.
• 10:34
  It's never about what I want for your family.
• 10:37
  Yes, I've got the tools. Yes, I've got the bird's eye
• 10:39
  view. But actually I want to meet you
• 10:41
  where you are and where you want your family to be because I'm
• 10:44
  not the CEO of your family. You are you are the expert of
• 10:47
  your family. How can I help that?
• 10:50
  But it really is taking those little snippets that we pick up
• 10:52
  on TikTok reels and all the rest of it and just saying, right,
• 10:56
  how can we make this work for our kids because this is
• 10:58
  important to us or that sounded interesting.
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  I think my kids would, would respond to that.
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  And that's where someone like myself or yourself steps in and
• 11:06
  says, right, let's, let's make that happen.
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  Let's hold you accountable so that you can.
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  You can't achieve what you want with your kids.
• 11:15
  Thank you, Phil, for extending all that.
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  Because I, I tend to think that nowadays, with all the
• 11:21
  information that's available, people tend to get lost.
• 11:25
  Yeah. And they really need somebody.
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  And you were saying the other thing is that every family is
• 11:32
  different to Someone Like You can really help go through all
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  the information. Yeah.
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  And it. Well, this from what I can
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  understand from how your family works, this would work for you
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  or this wouldn't work for you. I think that's.
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  Absolutely. And it always comes down to
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  three things. How can we show curiosity?
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  How can we show connection and how can we communicate in a way
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  that our family or the needs of our family is going to take on
• 12:01
  board What is going to be said? Because our kids are going to
• 12:04
  push back and our kids are going to fight and our kids are going
• 12:07
  to be quirky. But if we can meet them with
• 12:09
  good communication and connection, we've won.
• 12:13
  And it's not a win lose environment, but it's, you know,
• 12:16
  we're one step further along the road than we were when we
• 12:19
  started. So for people who are listening
• 12:25
  and are facing stress or anxiety in their family life, where'd
• 12:31
  you come in? When do you start supporting
• 12:33
  them? As in, from the parents
• 12:36
  perspective, I come in meeting them where they're at.
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  So I think that's really important.
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  It's about listening. What are they saying?
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  What are they not saying? Quite often parents will come to
• 12:47
  me because they're worried about their child.
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  A situation at home has triggered them to reach out and
• 12:52
  speak to me. I'm listening, but actually
• 12:55
  that's the tip of the iceberg. What is under the surface?
• 12:59
  I like to meet parents where they're at.
• 13:00
  I like to show curiosity, which is something I really try and
• 13:04
  encourage in parents. Be curious.
• 13:07
  Why is this showing up? Why are you being triggered?
• 13:09
  Where is the anxiety coming from?
• 13:11
  Is it your child or is it a work stress?
• 13:13
  Is it the fact that you are trying to do everything alone?
• 13:17
  It takes a village to raise a child, yet parents at the moment
• 13:20
  are thinking that they have to do everything by themselves and
• 13:23
  that's a lot of pressure. So it's meeting them with
• 13:27
  listening, it's meeting them with curiosity and then it's
• 13:30
  trying to find out what their belief systems are around
• 13:32
  parenting. If they believe it's hard then
• 13:35
  it's going to be hard. So how can I unpick that with
• 13:38
  them to help calm them? It's about building a bespoke
• 13:42
  toolkit that I am not a parenting coach.
• 13:45
  Who's going to say to you go away and read three books by
• 13:47
  £75,000 worth of equipment and then do this with your child.
• 13:52
  I want it to be something where I can give you a glimmer of hope
• 13:54
  that you can try tomorrow, tonight for the next time you
• 13:57
  speak with your children. That might go.
• 14:00
  That was a bit of a different reaction.
• 14:02
  I'm going to try again. I always speak to parents about
• 14:04
  1% marginal gains. I'm not trying to get you from
• 14:07
  5% to 100% in one go. I'm trying to get you to 5% to
• 14:10
  6%. You feel better and then you get
• 14:13
  to 10%. So actually it's about
• 14:15
  simplicity, it's about listening, it's about
• 14:17
  connection. If they know, like and trust me,
• 14:20
  they're going to say, oh, actually I tried something that
• 14:22
  Anissa suggested and it worked and that's actually lowered my
• 14:25
  stress, That's lowered my anxiety.
• 14:28
  I'm going to try it again or it didn't work and that's OK as
• 14:32
  well. I love the change cycle, which
• 14:35
  is again, it's got nothing to do with parenting, but it's like an
• 14:38
  upside down bell curve or a skateboard ramp.
• 14:40
  I think a skateboard ramp is probably more relatable to many
• 14:43
  parents. So you enter into your
• 14:45
  skateboard ramp, on your skateboard, and you've just
• 14:49
  listened to a great podcast, read a great book.
• 14:52
  We had your session with Anissa or chatted to a parent in the
• 14:55
  playground. He thought, oh, that's a really
• 14:57
  good idea. So you go in armed with some
• 14:59
  information and you're on your skateboard, and then you come
• 15:01
  down to the bottom, which is in the valley of despair.
• 15:05
  Now, I don't like calling it a valley because a valley is very
• 15:07
  vast and goes on forever. So I call it a pit.
• 15:11
  It's a pit of despair because we're going to get out of that
• 15:12
  pit pretty quickly. But what happens is parents sit
• 15:16
  up in the pit of despair thinking, well, I've tried
• 15:18
  something that Anissa said, or I've tried that in the book, and
• 15:20
  it hasn't worked. And what they do immediately is
• 15:23
  they reverse out the way they've come.
• 15:25
  What I like parents to do is to sit in that pit a little longer
• 15:29
  than is naturally comfortable. But it might be that you need to
• 15:33
  tweak or you might need to look at something from a different
• 15:36
  angle, or you might need to come back to the book or Anissa or
• 15:39
  listen to the podcast again to get a different take on it.
• 15:41
  And you adjust it to suit your family.
• 15:44
  The ultimate goal is that you will come out the other side
• 15:47
  being informed, having a strategy that now works for your
• 15:50
  family. Then you go back into the
• 15:52
  skateboard ramp with a new idea you want to work on.
• 15:55
  I like parents to focus on one thing because what they try and
• 15:59
  do is they try and go, well, I wanted to help my child's
• 16:02
  behaviour. I need to deal with their
• 16:03
  emotions, I need to get them to bed on time.
• 16:05
  Mornings are just not working for us.
• 16:07
  And then they try and do everything at once and then they
• 16:11
  get overloaded and give up because they think it's not
• 16:14
  working. Actually, if we focused on
• 16:17
  bedtimes, for example, and got bedtimes working, we come out of
• 16:21
  the change cycle empowered and having assistant works.
• 16:24
  Then we can go back into the change cycle and work on
• 16:27
  emotions or whatever else is the next thing that parent wants
• 16:31
  support with. So yeah, that was probably a
• 16:33
  long winded way of answering that question.
• 16:35
  Yeah, but the take away from your answer for me is don't try
• 16:39
  and do everything at once. It's one thing at a time, yeah.
• 16:43
  Absolutely, it reminds me of. What I used to tell myself
• 16:47
  Choose your battles. Yeah.
• 16:49
  One thing you can't deal with everything.
• 16:51
  Not everything can be perfect, but if you tackle one thing at a
• 16:56
  time, you'll get there. I think.
• 16:58
  And that's how you keep going. Yeah.
• 17:01
  I think a lot of parents, because they want to support,
• 17:06
  nurture an all rounded human being that by the time they fly
• 17:09
  the nest, they're going to be this most magnificent person.
• 17:12
  That's our own goal. We want our children to have
• 17:14
  wings to fly, but we forget about the root system.
• 17:17
  They need to fly. And they by trying to tackle too
• 17:21
  much too soon, it gets overwhelming.
• 17:24
  And I think also what happens is parents are trying to hold their
• 17:28
  children to a higher account than they hold themselves.
• 17:32
  So they're like the children can't have a bad day.
• 17:35
  We all have bad days and bad moments.
• 17:37
  It's how we learn from that and move forward.
• 17:39
  And so it's not saying that we can't have those high standards
• 17:43
  for our family, but some days we just need to lower our
• 17:45
  expectations because that's the right thing to do to get us
• 17:50
  through without the arguments and the shouting and everything
• 17:52
  else. Yeah, you were talking about the
• 17:54
  fact that we were bringing childhood memories or
• 17:58
  experiences into the way we. Parent.
• 18:03
  Do parent realise they're doing that or is it something that
• 18:06
  they're doing subconsciously? I would say again, it's quite a
• 18:11
  tricky 1, isn't it? I think on most occasions it's
• 18:14
  subconscious because you're triggered.
• 18:16
  Why am I reacting when I know the theory behind it?
• 18:19
  Like I can say hand on heart, I've yelled at my child and in
• 18:22
  my head I'm going why are you doing this?
• 18:25
  This is not a good way to connect.
• 18:27
  You're doing something that you said you would not that you
• 18:29
  would never do, but that you've worked on, and yet you're still
• 18:33
  doing it. Even though I've got this
• 18:34
  internal dialogue going on, it's because of past experiences.
• 18:38
  It could be trauma. It could be how I was pantered.
• 18:41
  There's something triggering it. Quite a lot of what goes on is
• 18:44
  from just that subconscious level.
• 18:46
  Then they meet someone like me and I'm like, let's ask the
• 18:50
  questions. Let's explore that a little
• 18:52
  deeper. They're like, they'll come to me
• 18:55
  because the child has got XY and Z that they want support with.
• 18:59
  And I, I help with it. But through the dialogue, it's
• 19:01
  like, well, let's just do some reflection.
• 19:04
  Let's just do some thinking about your childhood.
• 19:06
  Let's do some thinking about your experiences with bullies at
• 19:09
  school. What are you bringing with you
• 19:12
  that might not be relevant for your child?
• 19:14
  That's because you're human. It's OK to not have all the
• 19:18
  answers in it to be triggered. But where is the curiosity after
• 19:22
  that? Well, I was triggered.
• 19:25
  That's not how I want a parent. What can I now do to either?
• 19:28
  Heal or. Try a bit differently next time
• 19:32
  or simply to say to your child, you know what, I shouted at you
• 19:35
  just then and I didn't feel good about it.
• 19:39
  I wanted to apologise. It doesn't stop the fact that
• 19:41
  what you did we need to talk about.
• 19:44
  But how I reacted to it wasn't OK.
• 19:47
  And I just want to say I'm sorry.
• 19:49
  And there you are, role-playing, healing in the moment, moving on
• 19:54
  from generational cycles. I think parent, I think parents
• 20:00
  don't realize that parenting is a journey for them as much as it
• 20:03
  is for their children. The learning I've taken through
• 20:07
  being a parent to a 17 year old girl from when she was little
• 20:10
  all the way through to now, I am such a different parent to the
• 20:13
  one I thought I was going to be. And it's all down to her.
• 20:16
  Her. Her loves, her pushing
• 20:18
  boundaries, her warmth. Quite often it's her going.
• 20:21
  I've watched a TikTok video. Mum, I think you need to try
• 20:24
  this with me. I'd love to say I'm an
• 20:25
  influencer in her life but I think she's let everything she
• 20:27
  learned about parenting through TikTok.
• 20:30
  No, that's not true. It's an interesting 1:00 and
• 20:32
  it's 1. I think quite a lot of parents
• 20:34
  when they seek out help on the prepared for the journey they
• 20:38
  will go on. Sorry everyone.
• 20:41
  I think it's very important because a lot of people often
• 20:45
  have parenting guilt and what you've just said explains how
• 20:53
  you can help with that. From the parent's perspective,
• 20:57
  social media is not helping. You have, you know, the perfect
• 21:00
  parents, perfect mothers who never shouts at their children
• 21:05
  at home have their children's are perfect.
• 21:07
  So although we know that it can't be true, we still believe
• 21:12
  it ain't. Yeah, we.
• 21:13
  So what you've just explained is really important to know that
• 21:17
  although you have all this information, there are people
• 21:20
  like you that can really make a difference and make you feel
• 21:24
  that's showing the way you parent because you might be
• 21:26
  doing very well, but you think you're not and you're here.
• 21:32
  And to make us realize that what we're doing is good.
• 21:36
  Absolutely. And the fact that parents seek
• 21:39
  out people like yourself and myself is actually testament to
• 21:43
  them and their personal growth and then wanting to help and be
• 21:46
  prepared to face some of the stuff on their journey that's
• 21:49
  not going quite right and ask for help.
• 21:51
  You know, it takes a village, and sometimes it's a village
• 21:54
  that you actually have to get someone who's a little bit
• 21:56
  outside the village to look in and help.
• 22:01
  You talked about connection, curiosity, and communication as
• 22:05
  pillars of positive parenting. What does it look like in
• 22:09
  practice? Oh, that's a good question.
• 22:12
  And I think this is something that I've developed over 25
• 22:16
  years of working with families. My own observations and all the
• 22:18
  rest of it is, you know, connection is the anchor and
• 22:23
  it's quite often the bit in parenting that we miss.
• 22:26
  We go straight to the consequences or the shouting
• 22:30
  because we think that's what they need.
• 22:32
  And actually connection is probably where we start with
• 22:37
  with most families. It's like, how can we connect
• 22:40
  with our children before we correct them?
• 22:42
  How can we connect with them so that they know they are loved
• 22:45
  for who they are? And we're not trying to change
• 22:47
  them. We're trying to support them on
• 22:50
  the childhood journey to be the best version of themselves.
• 22:53
  And so connection is that that moment.
• 22:55
  There's a body of research that says that you need to give your
• 23:00
  children 10 minutes of quality time a day.
• 23:04
  So it's not ours, it's not days. And obviously there are children
• 23:08
  and every family is different. And then we bring neurodiversity
• 23:10
  into it as well, and we have to take that into account.
• 23:13
  But this research says 10 minutes a day to fill up your
• 23:16
  child's cup doing things they want to do.
• 23:19
  So I think a lot of parenting is what I would call transactional
• 23:22
  parenting. Put your shoes on.
• 23:23
  We've got to go out, eat your dinner.
• 23:25
  Come on, it's bedtime. Why haven't you brushed your
• 23:27
  teeth? And what I'm looking for is
• 23:29
  quality connection, whether that is simply snuggling on the sofa
• 23:33
  with your phone down, watching a show together and then just
• 23:35
  having a chat about it. Whether it's sitting next to
• 23:38
  each other in the car and having a conversation while you're
• 23:40
  taking them to a sports practice.
• 23:42
  Or whether that's carving out some time to do some baking or
• 23:45
  some arts and crafts or do a puzzle or whatever it is that
• 23:48
  lights your child up there. So that's, that's connection.
• 23:52
  I think curiosity is the bridge that gets us to between
• 23:56
  connection and good communication.
• 23:58
  I've spoken a lot already about curiosity, but what is happening
• 24:01
  at the tip of the iceberg is never what is going on
• 24:04
  underneath the iceberg. So, you know, Charles just had a
• 24:07
  meltdown and instead of reacting, we need to actually
• 24:10
  say it's not really about the pink cup and the blue cup.
• 24:13
  It's not really about being told they can't go out with their
• 24:16
  friends at midnight. What is it?
• 24:17
  Is it about control? Is it about wanting to fit in?
• 24:21
  Then we can adjust or simply have a conversation with our
• 24:25
  children. Even 2 and 3 year olds can have
• 24:27
  a decent conversation depending on how verbal they are and how
• 24:31
  much their understanding of the world.
• 24:33
  But they want to have a say. I think a lot of the
• 24:35
  communication, curiosity, and connection is missed because
• 24:39
  we're trying to control. Most of that is because we're in
• 24:41
  a transactional world, trying to get into their next activity or
• 24:44
  their next thing, or even just trying to tick a box to say they
• 24:48
  know their numbers before they start school.
• 24:52
  That for me as an early years teacher, was never really
• 24:54
  important. I wanted a child who was
• 24:56
  smiling, happy and curious about the environment they were in or
• 25:01
  wanted to reach out to a friend. So I think that's curiosity.
• 25:04
  So always have a think what is going on that is actually not
• 25:08
  about the tantrum or the meltdown or the push back or the
• 25:11
  whatever that's going on in front of you.
• 25:14
  So it's seeking to understand and then obviously you've got
• 25:17
  the communication. How does your child need to be
• 25:19
  communicated with? And quite often, it's not how
• 25:24
  you naturally communicate. So there's a body of research by
• 25:29
  Gary Chapman on love languages. This is somewhere where I start
• 25:32
  with parents where we're trying to look at communication.
• 25:35
  So I don't know if you've spoken about love languages on your
• 25:38
  podcast before. So I don't want to go over old
• 25:40
  ground, but I'll just quickly cover it through it.
• 25:42
  His research is that people in general like to receive love in
• 25:47
  one of five ways, physical touch, quality time, acts of
• 25:52
  service, words of affirmation or gifts.
• 25:56
  Gifts usually goes in connection with one of the others and with
• 26:00
  kids, I tend to put gifts on the back burner because who doesn't
• 26:03
  like to receive gift. But if you can TuneIn to how
• 26:07
  your children like to receive love and you can feed that more
• 26:10
  in your communication. So for example, if your child is
• 26:13
  physical touch, it might be that when you talk to them, you hold
• 26:16
  their hand. It might be that when you talk
• 26:17
  to them, you have a hand on their shoulder.
• 26:19
  It might be that when you talk to them, you hold the upper arm
• 26:21
  because they need that touch or that tactile input from you to
• 26:26
  feel like they're being heard. Another child might need to hear
• 26:30
  those words of affirmation, those positive statements.
• 26:33
  You know that you're proud of them, but more important, are
• 26:36
  they proud of themselves? They need to be caught being
• 26:38
  good. If we can tune into those, and
• 26:41
  then you're more likely to get more out of your children.
• 26:44
  Now, what's interesting, for example, in my house, and again,
• 26:47
  I think these love languages go through phases.
• 26:50
  So my daughter's was physical touch.
• 26:52
  If I was to rate them for myself, physical touch would
• 26:55
  come with #5 So we can already see the juxtaposition in a
• 26:59
  family. It's not that I don't want to
• 27:01
  hug and kiss and cuddle my child.
• 27:03
  It's just that I have to think about it because it's not the
• 27:07
  way I like to receive love. So actually what I say to
• 27:10
  parents is there's a little quiz you can do online.
• 27:13
  Go to Five Love languages quiz. You can take the quiz with your
• 27:16
  families. Find out what every single
• 27:19
  member of the family is and have a conversation about it.
• 27:21
  Make it a fun thing. Humour yourself through your
• 27:24
  communication. Told each other we loved each
• 27:26
  other. Have we done an act of service?
• 27:28
  Have we spent quality time together?
• 27:29
  Whatever it is that feeds your family, feed it, but also let
• 27:34
  them know what feeds your love language because that's also
• 27:36
  part of that communication cycle of you not feeling bitter and
• 27:39
  resentful as a parent. If you do get a hug or we thank
• 27:42
  you for taking me to my club, that could mean the world and
• 27:45
  lift something for you as a parent.
• 27:47
  As you can see, I'm quite passionate.
• 27:51
  We we could talk about these questions the whole time.
• 27:54
  And that quiz tonight? Fascinating.
• 27:57
  And there's one for teenagers that get your teenagers to do
• 28:00
  it. You've got the activities are
• 28:02
  not so good. I would just do the teenage one
• 28:05
  with them but translate the questions so they understand.
• 28:08
  Or simply do it for your child. OK, another important topic for
• 28:17
  parents is boundaries. It's one of the hardest things,
• 28:22
  especially when the children push back.
• 28:25
  How do you help parents set limits with empathy instead of
• 28:30
  conflict? I think it's about understanding
• 28:33
  why boundaries are important. A lot of parents think, oh, you
• 28:36
  know, they'll think I'm strict, they'll rebel because of this.
• 28:39
  And actually the way I like to view boundaries is, you know,
• 28:42
  you get those Cliff roads or those hill roads which have the
• 28:46
  safety, I'm going to call it a safety rail.
• 28:48
  I'm sure it's got a technical codon, which is not a safety
• 28:51
  route. But you know, there's barriers
• 28:52
  on the side of the road basically to stop you verging
• 28:55
  off with your colour down a steep hill.
• 28:58
  And I think that's what we need to view.
• 29:02
  The boundaries are within our families.
• 29:03
  They are that guiding rail. They are not there to stop you
• 29:07
  steering your car. You can steer your car into a
• 29:09
  boundary if you want to, or you've got quite a lot of road
• 29:12
  to drive on if you choose to do it another way.
• 29:14
  But you are still in control. The guide rails, the boundaries
• 29:18
  are there to keep you safe, to give your children security.
• 29:21
  Children need to know where they stand.
• 29:24
  A lot of conflicts arise because they've taken away all the
• 29:27
  boundaries, and the children are reacting because they don't know
• 29:29
  where they stand. What I say to parents is it
• 29:32
  doesn't matter if your boundaries are as skinny as a
• 29:34
  lamppost or as wide as a football field.
• 29:37
  Do your children know what they are, or do you keep moving them?
• 29:42
  Pick one thing to work on, embed it, get it established so that
• 29:45
  boundary is firmly in place. Then you move on to another one.
• 29:48
  I'd like to view boundaries as a love in.
• 29:51
  Action. Because we are creating an
• 29:53
  environment where your children know where they stand.
• 29:55
  They know if they work within it, there's praise, there is a
• 29:59
  reward, there's conflict, there's security.
• 30:01
  They know if they push against it that we're going to push back
• 30:04
  in some way. It's standing true to your
• 30:06
  boundaries as well. I find a lot with parents is
• 30:08
  it's consistency. This is why I'm like simple,
• 30:11
  simple, simple. I've got families who have like
• 30:14
  20 family rules and I'm like really?
• 30:17
  How do you memorize on three to four soul of them?
• 30:19
  I'm like, Oh no, my brain can't even remember what my name is
• 30:22
  someday. How are you remembering them
• 30:24
  all? And so we work with families
• 30:26
  with like 3 values that are really important to you, which
• 30:29
  are your boundaries. In our family, we show respect.
• 30:32
  Respect is a lovely umbrella. Respect for self, respect for
• 30:35
  others, respect for community, respect for property.
• 30:37
  That's your boundary. How are you in this moment
• 30:40
  showing respect to me when you're speaking to me like that?
• 30:44
  You're not telling them off, you are just calling them to a
• 30:47
  boundary that is important to you and your family.
• 30:50
  As your children get older, boundaries are going to ebb and
• 30:52
  flow. With your toddlers, you're
• 30:54
  putting boundaries in place to keep them safe and to help them
• 30:58
  learn skills to become independent.
• 31:00
  With your teenagers, your boundaries are by negotiation
• 31:04
  and a conversation. There are going to be some non
• 31:07
  negotiables and that's up to you and your family to decide, but
• 31:10
  there are going to be some boundaries that you need to hear
• 31:12
  your child's voice and you consult to decide the best way
• 31:15
  forward. Boundaries are interesting, but
• 31:18
  keep them simple and expect the pushback because your children
• 31:22
  are pushing to see if they are safe to do so.
• 31:25
  And that's where consistency comes in.
• 31:28
  I'm consistent in my messaging. I'm consistent in my simple
• 31:31
  approach. I'm consistent in what I'm
• 31:32
  saying to you because I'm keeping you safe.
• 31:37
  You think, Jimmy, just, I feel that boundaries is such a
• 31:39
  difficult one, especially in my line of work, because when
• 31:44
  parents separate, like you were saying, there's always one that
• 31:48
  wants to make sure that they love him or her.
• 31:51
  They're more lenient. They need to realise that it's
• 31:55
  not because they're touching boundaries that the children
• 31:58
  will love them less. In fact it's the opposite.
• 32:01
  Absolutely. Completely.
• 32:04
  I'm really interested about you going into the workplace to talk
• 32:09
  about parenting. Why do you think it's important
• 32:13
  for workplaces to care about what parents are going through
• 32:18
  at home and the challenges they're encounter in their
• 32:21
  parenting? Think simple fundamental level
• 32:26
  is you can't switch off parenting at the door when you
• 32:30
  turn up at work. If you have had a meltdown or a
• 32:32
  difficult drop off at nursery or school, we've had an argument
• 32:36
  with your teenager, it's not going to stop at the door.
• 32:39
  Or if we work from home, once we sit down at our laptop.
• 32:42
  How can we support parents to support their children so that
• 32:46
  we can get more in our workplaces?
• 32:48
  If parents are calmer or if they've got tools to handle a
• 32:51
  situation, they're more likely to be able to leave it at the
• 32:54
  door or at least put a bit of detachment between the emotional
• 32:58
  side of things and then give their work.
• 33:01
  I was reading some statistics around absenteeism due to stress
• 33:05
  because of families or having to deal with sick kids.
• 33:08
  If we can support from a workplace point of view, arming
• 33:12
  our parents with tools, ideas, support, whatever it is, then
• 33:17
  they are going to give more to the business or the corporation
• 33:19
  that they work for, fundamentally.
• 33:23
  And it's really important because a lot of people have
• 33:27
  children and, and it's more about it's, it's more than what
• 33:32
  the employees usually see is, oh, they're sick again.
• 33:34
  So they're, they're not coming to work.
• 33:37
  But there's much more than just the children being I'll, it's
• 33:41
  the everyday challenges. Parents can feel quite lonely.
• 33:45
  You've got friends, your kids are in a schools, you've got
• 33:48
  work colleagues and family. But with the work I do, parents
• 33:51
  are like, oh, it was just so good to know I wasn't alone.
• 33:55
  Not the only one going through this.
• 33:57
  It might be slightly tweaked for your family and your experience
• 34:01
  because No2 experiences are the same.
• 34:03
  But somewhere along the line, we're all going to deal with
• 34:05
  meltdowns. We're all going to deal with
• 34:06
  pushback, to feel that community around you in a workplace that
• 34:10
  actually are not alone. And we are going through this
• 34:12
  together. You know what's the saying?
• 34:14
  We're all in our own ships, but we're on the same sea.
• 34:17
  That's a really important space to create for parents mentally,
• 34:22
  for their well-being and within the work environment.
• 34:26
  My last question if she could change one thing about the way
• 34:31
  society views parenting, what would it be?
• 34:36
  I had to do some deep thinking about this one.
• 34:38
  And there were so many things that came up and I was like, Oh
• 34:41
  my days, but what do I say? And I've even written it down to
• 34:44
  make sure that I remembered it correctly.
• 34:45
  I'm going to say parenting isn't a checklist.
• 34:49
  It's connection. Going back to a phrase I've used
• 34:54
  throughout this podcast is it's connection over correction.
• 34:57
  It's how can we connect with our children before we have to
• 35:00
  correct them? The checklist with milestones
• 35:03
  they're supposed to have achieved.
• 35:04
  Absolutely. They're really useful and I'm
• 35:06
  not dissing them at all. But it's not a, oh, my child
• 35:10
  knows this and my child knows that.
• 35:12
  How am I connecting with my children?
• 35:13
  How am I nurturing my child on a deeper level than just making
• 35:17
  sure that they've hit their developmental milestones?
• 35:20
  I think that parenting isn't a checklist, it's connection.
• 35:23
  We are learning alongside our children.
• 35:25
  We are not always going to get it right, and that's OK.
• 35:28
  We're on a journey as well. It's OK to make mistakes because
• 35:32
  I'd much rather make it in a supportive environment in my
• 35:35
  family than perhaps out in society where I'll be judged for
• 35:39
  if it's learn with your child how to overcome a mistake or how
• 35:43
  to move forward or how to problem solve.
• 35:45
  I want to normalize asking for help.
• 35:48
  It's OK to not be OK to not have all the answers is OK to ask for
• 35:52
  help. Parenting isn't a checklist.
• 35:55
  It's about connection, how we can connect more with our
• 35:57
  families, whether that is through curiosity, communication
• 36:01
  or meeting your children where they're at.
• 36:04
  It's going to show up differently for every family.
• 36:07
  Well, thank you. That's.
• 36:08
  A great way to finish this amazing podcast.
• 36:12
  I'm going to put all your details in the podcast notes,
• 36:16
  but how do people get in touch if listening to this podcast
• 36:20
  makes them realize they need your help?
• 36:23
  Do they send you an e-mail? They can send me an e-mail.
• 36:25
  So that's hello at Anisa lewis.com.
• 36:28
  I have a website againanisalewis.com.
• 36:30
  I'm pretty much on every social media channel you can think of.
• 36:34
  Anisa Lewis dot positive parenting on most social
• 36:37
  channels. Each month I run a free
• 36:39
  parenting clinic which you're most welcome to attend.
• 36:42
  I pick different hot topics for parenting.
• 36:45
  Last month I did boundaries, this month it's emotions, next
• 36:48
  month it's friendship and then I'm doing parenting well-being.
• 36:51
  You are most welcome to turn up to any of those you want, you
• 36:54
  just need to book in so you get the link to come.
• 36:56
  Nisa Lewis for my Advantage is quite a unique name, so if you
• 37:00
  just Google me I am more likely to pop up on your pathway to
• 37:03
  find me. Thank you so much for being here
• 37:08
  with us today and sharing your insights on parenting.
• 37:13
  I love how you remind us that connection is the most important
• 37:18
  and not getting everything right.
• 37:21
  As Anesis told us how to get in touch, I will put everything in
• 37:25
  the show notes and you'll know how to connect with her.
• 37:30
  If this resonates with you, please share it with someone who
• 37:34
  might need it. And don't forget to drive.
• 37:37
  Thank you for listening, and until next time, take care.
• 37:42
  Thank you, Anissa.