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What Are the Top Mistakes Play Therapists Make Working with Parents? · Next Level Play Therapy: A Podcast for Play Therapy Excellence

• 0:02
  Cathi Spooner: Welcome to Next Level Play Therapy.
• 0:04
  Cathi Spooner: A weekly podcast dedicated to supporting the next generation of child and adolescent therapists to provide exceptional play therapy services.
• 0:14
  Cathi Spooner: We'll explore all things play therapy to elevate your work with children and adolescents using the therapeutic powers of play.
• 0:23
  Cathi Spooner: I'll discuss practical tips and ideas so you can provide a transformative experience for your young clients and make a real difference in their lives.
• 0:33
  Cathi Spooner: So get ready to take your play therapy skills to the next level and make a lasting impact in the lives of children, adolescents, and families.
• 0:48
  Cathi Spooner: Hey there.
• 0:49
  Cathi Spooner: Good morning.
• 0:51
  Cathi Spooner: So welcome to this week's episode of Next Level Play Therapy, and today we are gonna be talking about mistakes play therapists make when working with parents.
• 1:05
  Cathi Spooner: And I have made all of these mistakes early on in my career.
• 1:12
  Cathi Spooner: And I, I notice these are mistakes that come up over and over when I'm, when I'm talking with different play therapists through Play Therapy Academy and, and Play Therapy Elevation Circle, which is my brand new membership for play therapists.
• 1:33
  Cathi Spooner: So, so these are things that come up all, all the time actually, when I'm talking with play therapists about their work with clients and then we get to talking about what's going on with the parenting component of things as we're trying to sort through and figure out what is at the root of the problem.
• 1:58
  Cathi Spooner: What I notice is that there is a tendency to really not necessarily understand how to integrate parents.
• 2:14
  Cathi Spooner: Um, so I'm, I have a course that's available right now.
• 2:17
  Cathi Spooner: It's, I have a, a special promotion that I'm running on it right now.
• 2:22
  Cathi Spooner: So I'm gonna talk about that a little bit more if you, if you are one of those people who really feels like you're struggling to work with parents, especially the challenging parents.
• 2:35
  Cathi Spooner: I feel like most of us have come across instances.
• 2:40
  Cathi Spooner: I say most, but I feel like all of us have.
• 2:43
  Cathi Spooner: Where we're struggling with parents, especially the challenging parents that are pretty complex.
• 2:50
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and so I, I think at the root of it is struggling to understand the role of parents in play therapy and what exactly does that look like.
• 3:04
  Cathi Spooner: And then when you're trying to sort through what's going on, that, that there's not a lot of progress, or maybe you've gotten stalled out in your play therapy or maybe you're running up against some, uh, some walls, blockages needing a breakthrough with your clients or for your clients in play therapy, there are some, typically, there are some things that I find you wanna look at, and one of those is working with parents.
• 3:42
  Cathi Spooner: And so then what ends up happening then is there are some, what I would call typical mistakes made when working with parents.
• 3:56
  Cathi Spooner: And so the last couple of episodes I've talked about expectations and some things.
• 4:03
  Cathi Spooner: So like laying the groundwork for your work with parents.
• 4:08
  Cathi Spooner: And today I wanna talk about some mistakes that play therapists make when working with children and their family, and then what to do instead.
• 4:19
  Cathi Spooner: And these mistakes are specifically focused on mistakes made, um, when working with parents.
• 4:28
  Cathi Spooner: So that is what we're gonna talk about today.
• 4:31
  Cathi Spooner: And so the t today's topic is, what are top mistakes play therapists make when working with parents?
• 4:40
  Cathi Spooner: We're gonna cover three mistakes today that play therapists make when working with parents.
• 4:47
  Cathi Spooner: So, um, so my name is Cathi Spooner.
• 4:50
  Cathi Spooner: I'm a licensed clinical social worker and a registered play therapist here in the United States, currently living on the West coast Originally, I don't know, I grew up, my dad was in the Navy, so when I say originally I, part of me is like, well, my originally, but that's where I spent most of my life.
• 5:09
  Cathi Spooner: I'll say that, uh, I spent most of my life on the East coast.
• 5:15
  Cathi Spooner: Um, so I would love to know who's here today listening to the, or watching the live stream episode.
• 5:24
  Cathi Spooner: I stream every week on LinkedIn, YouTube, and, and usually unless I have a guest, I'm usually also streaming into Instagram.
• 5:39
  Cathi Spooner: And then for those of you, um, watching the replay or listening to the podcast, I would still love to know who's here.
• 5:49
  Cathi Spooner: If you're watching the video on, uh, of the livestream, I would love to know who's here.
• 5:56
  Cathi Spooner: Post your name in the comments, what population are you working with?
• 6:01
  Cathi Spooner: Where are some of your struggles, when working with parents?
• 6:06
  Cathi Spooner: If you are listening to the podcast, please feel free to message me.
• 6:12
  Cathi Spooner: You can hop over to my Instagram channel at Renewing Hearts Training and send me a message.
• 6:21
  Cathi Spooner: So let's get started for today.
• 6:24
  Cathi Spooner: The first mistake that I see play therapists making is what I'll call accommodating versus enabling.
• 6:34
  Cathi Spooner: And so here's the thing, we are helpers.
• 6:39
  Cathi Spooner: We get into the mental health field because we wanna help.
• 6:44
  Cathi Spooner: And helping means that we try to do our best to help our clients overcome any of their challenges.
• 6:54
  Cathi Spooner: I don't know if you guys just heard, you probably just heard my dog Luna barking.
• 6:58
  Cathi Spooner: I don't know.
• 6:59
  Cathi Spooner: Those of you have dogs are gonna, you're gonna relate to what I just said.
• 7:03
  Cathi Spooner: Luna.
• 7:04
  Cathi Spooner: My husband and I laugh about this all the time.
• 7:06
  Cathi Spooner: She probably even hears me saying her name.
• 7:09
  Cathi Spooner: Luna does this thing where she is convinced there are, there are bad people all around the perimeter of our house waiting to get in.
• 7:21
  Cathi Spooner: There's nobody out there, but she feels compelled to bark and make sure they know, especially at our neighbors who, um, are very nice people, but she feels compelled to remind them that they can't come in her yard.
• 7:36
  Cathi Spooner: So anyways, you probably just heard Luna barking out there.
• 7:40
  Cathi Spooner: Um, you're probably gonna hear her again.
• 7:44
  Cathi Spooner: She has been on a roll this morning, barking at the neighbors.
• 7:49
  Cathi Spooner: So, all righty.
• 7:51
  Cathi Spooner: So back to mistake number one, which is accommodating versus enabling.
• 7:57
  Cathi Spooner: We're helpers.
• 7:58
  Cathi Spooner: We wanna be helpful, so we'll adjust and work around and try to do everything possible to make things easier when we can and at some, at some point, at some point we might have to address difficult issues.
• 8:26
  Cathi Spooner: And so there's a tendency to not wanna be the bad guy because we're helpers and being the bad guy doesn't feel therapeutic.
• 8:38
  Cathi Spooner: I don't necessarily, I don't think we're being the bad guy.
• 8:42
  Cathi Spooner: I think it just feels that way because it's uncomfortable for most of us.
• 8:48
  Cathi Spooner: I'm gonna include myself in that category.
• 8:52
  Cathi Spooner: Um, I just like to get along.
• 8:54
  Cathi Spooner: I like all of us to, um, collaboratively, I've just learned over the last several decades that they're in, like in any relationship.
• 9:08
  Cathi Spooner: Including the therapeutic relationship.
• 9:11
  Cathi Spooner: There might be times when you have to have some hard conversations and so ha if you find yourself kind of over accommodating and not holding boundaries or setting expectations for how things need to work, then the result is gonna be, and this is how you're probably gonna know if you have maybe been engaging in a little enabling behavior, and that might be if you find yourself feeling frustrated, um, because you're always responding to phone calls or texts or emails, and you're getting those, what I call those nine one nine one one calls or texts or emails about everything that's going wrong.
• 10:04
  Cathi Spooner: But yet there's been some missed appointment.
• 10:08
  Cathi Spooner: Uh, let's, like everybody misses appointments here and there.
• 10:12
  Cathi Spooner: That's just kind of part of life, right?
• 10:17
  Cathi Spooner: I'm talking about more like parents are not coming in for appointments or they have every reason why all legitimate, um, but week after week after week after week after month, after month after month, if you're finding you can't get them in because there's always a reason, then that's a red flag that you need to have a conversation.
• 10:41
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and those little five minute check-ins at the end, they'll work for the really well-functioning parents.
• 10:48
  Cathi Spooner: That is not gonna work for the parents who need more support.
• 10:53
  Cathi Spooner: That's been my experience.
• 10:54
  Cathi Spooner: Maybe you, you find it differently, but I stopped doing those because I found them to be really ineffective when I really needed to facilitate some change.
• 11:06
  Cathi Spooner: And so if you find yourself, like frustrated and starting to get a little burned out because you don't have time to get your progress notes.
• 11:16
  Cathi Spooner: And maybe you're staying up late, or maybe you're not spending time with your family because you're trying to catch up on your progress notes.
• 11:25
  Cathi Spooner: Or, maybe you're not doing your progress notes and you're supposed to be doing your progress notes and you're really behind on your progress notes might be a sign that you are not holding boundaries and you're over accommodating, which means now you're kind of enabling the problem to continue.
• 11:46
  Cathi Spooner: And I know that feels a little ouchie.
• 11:48
  Cathi Spooner: Ouch.
• 11:49
  Cathi Spooner: Um.
• 11:50
  Cathi Spooner: The only way it's gonna get better, right?
• 11:54
  Cathi Spooner: They always say the first step is to acknowledge the problem.
• 11:58
  Cathi Spooner: And I know for me that's when things really changed is when I kind of took a step back and got a little honest with myself.
• 12:06
  Cathi Spooner: When I found myself getting frustrated and then starting to say things in my head like, oh, parents don't care, or, you know, taking on the responsibility and blaming myself for everything that's going on and everything is my fault.
• 12:24
  Cathi Spooner: I guarantee you not everything is your fault.
• 12:27
  Cathi Spooner: Um, so here's what to do instead.
• 12:30
  Cathi Spooner: The thing you wanna do instead is take a step back and identify your expectations, identify roles.
• 12:41
  Cathi Spooner: What is your role?
• 12:43
  Cathi Spooner: Get clear about that.
• 12:47
  Cathi Spooner: Play therapists, I'll say mental health professionals in general, we are including me in this, we are notorious for thinking, we are responsible for everything.
• 13:02
  Cathi Spooner: I, I have these really awesome cards.
• 13:05
  Cathi Spooner: They're called archetype cards.
• 13:08
  Cathi Spooner: They're by Carolyn Myss, that's spelled MYSS.
• 13:11
  Cathi Spooner: If I had them available, I'd show them to you 'cause they're amazingly awesome.
• 13:15
  Cathi Spooner: Anyways, they're archetypes like, um, showing like all these different archetypes, which is a concept that transcend time and space.
• 13:23
  Cathi Spooner: I promise you this fits in.
• 13:25
  Cathi Spooner: Um, anyway, there's like light and shadow attributes to each of these com, uh, uh, these archetypes, uh, sorry.
• 13:35
  Cathi Spooner: There's light and shadow complex attributes for each of the comple, each of the architects.
• 13:43
  Cathi Spooner: Eventually my brain's gonna work this morning.
• 13:46
  Cathi Spooner: Um, light and shadow, aspects, attributes around these archetypes.
• 13:57
  Cathi Spooner: And in the cards, they have really amazing artwork.
• 14:01
  Cathi Spooner: And so going through these, well, I came across these probably 15 years ago, maybe 12 something years.
• 14:07
  Cathi Spooner: They're amazing.
• 14:08
  Cathi Spooner: And anyway, I'm going through 'em.
• 14:09
  Cathi Spooner: I love 'em.
• 14:10
  Cathi Spooner: And I'm looking at the archetypes and I, and I am like, stop dead in my tracks as I'm reading through one.
• 14:18
  Cathi Spooner: Which is Messiah, um.
• 14:21
  Cathi Spooner: Archetype and I am reading the positive, which is, you know, like we want the best for humanity and we, you know, we're really altruistic and wanna help.
• 14:31
  Cathi Spooner: And then the, the, the shadow attribute is that we feel like we're responsible for everything we take on the woes of the world.
• 14:43
  Cathi Spooner: Raise your virtual hand if you can relate.
• 14:47
  Cathi Spooner: And I thought, oh my gosh, that is me.
• 14:51
  Cathi Spooner: And I am doing this with parents.
• 14:53
  Cathi Spooner: I am taking on responsibility for everything.
• 14:59
  Cathi Spooner: And I, and then therefore, like I'm over accommodating, which.
• 15:05
  Cathi Spooner: Is the reason why I am so frustrated.
• 15:07
  Cathi Spooner: So I look at my role.
• 15:09
  Cathi Spooner: My role isn't to be the Messiah and fix everything.
• 15:15
  Cathi Spooner: My role is within the context of whatever my theoretical play therapy model is, but ultimately across every theory model, ultimately my role is to fill a, is to provide opportunities for change.
• 15:37
  Cathi Spooner: I cannot make the change happen.
• 15:40
  Cathi Spooner: I cannot.
• 15:42
  Cathi Spooner: And then I have to take a look at, well, who, who can make the change happen?
• 15:49
  Cathi Spooner: One of those people when you are a play therapist is parents.
• 15:55
  Cathi Spooner: So what's that gonna look like?
• 15:58
  Cathi Spooner: If you understand what is the role of parents versus what is your role, then you're looking at your expectations and you're changing expectations.
• 16:10
  Cathi Spooner: I talked a little bit more about that in the last couple of weeks.
• 16:14
  Cathi Spooner: I go over that pretty extensively, in my um, course Getting Grounded Partnering with Parents in Play Therapy, which I'll talk a little bit more about at the end.
• 16:24
  Cathi Spooner: But one of the things that we go over is what is the role and in order, and if you're gonna back that up with theory, then I like using neuroscience and attachment theory because then I'm looking at the role of parents through that lens and what is that actually gonna look like?
• 16:44
  Cathi Spooner: Especially when you're working with challenging parents because there's the way, there's a way to work with parents who are maybe a, have a lot more layers of challenge, maybe a little lower functioning in terms of you know, generational histories that they are having to overcome of trauma, attachment, addiction, addiction, poverty.
• 17:11
  Cathi Spooner: Then you wanna, you wanna look at that.
• 17:14
  Cathi Spooner: I find looking at that through a neuroscience and attachment lens can be really, really helpful.
• 17:19
  Cathi Spooner: And so in the course, I walk through that a lot.
• 17:21
  Cathi Spooner: But one of the things you wanna think about is what is your role?
• 17:26
  Cathi Spooner: What is parents' role?
• 17:29
  Cathi Spooner: And then.
• 17:30
  Cathi Spooner: Set your expectations.
• 17:32
  Cathi Spooner: Step out of over accommodating.
• 17:35
  Cathi Spooner: Sorry.
• 17:36
  Cathi Spooner: Step out.
• 17:37
  Cathi Spooner: Yeah.
• 17:37
  Cathi Spooner: Over accommodating and enabling and figure out, well, when is, when you know, when is it accommodating?
• 17:44
  Cathi Spooner: 'Cause every, you know, life is hard for everybody and we wanna be flexible, not rigid, but when have you, you passed over that line of Yeah.
• 17:52
  Cathi Spooner: This is more and needs to be addressed.
• 17:56
  Cathi Spooner: So the first.
• 17:58
  Cathi Spooner: The first mistake play therapists make a lot, I find is enabling versus accommodating.
• 18:09
  Cathi Spooner: The second mistake I see a lot is becoming embroiled in the family uh, the unhealthy family patterns.
• 18:19
  Cathi Spooner: We, we get pulled in and I always say it's not.
• 18:23
  Cathi Spooner: If you're going to get pulled in, it's a matter of when and how often.
• 18:29
  Cathi Spooner: And then the focus is, how do I get out of this now?
• 18:33
  Cathi Spooner: And so here's the thing, if you find yourself aligning with one parent over the other, or if you find yourself, I find this happens a lot with adolescents as well.
• 18:47
  Cathi Spooner: Like we find ourselves aligning with the adolescent and then we're kind of only looking at it through their lens, which means now we are not, maybe we're not integrating parents as much as we need to be and, and things are feeling stalled and not really making any progress.
• 19:11
  Cathi Spooner: Or maybe you're working with chil a child whose parents are divorced and there's some conflict and you find yourself aligning with one parent over the other, and that might look like, like you're, you find yourself like, yeah, their point of view is really valid, and then maybe you haven't met with the other parent, or you don't really talk to the other parent very much.
• 19:40
  Cathi Spooner: Then, or maybe the other parent's not even available to talk to.
• 19:45
  Cathi Spooner: If that happens too, you, your, this again is where you have to make sure you're figuring out what your role is.
• 19:54
  Cathi Spooner: Because the result is now your clinical perspective can be biased skewed and now you've become part of the problem.
• 20:07
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and a lot of times I find this happens when we're avoiding hard conversations or we're kind of, um, in our minds, we're not able to really access congruence of unconditional positive regard and empathy, which we can still do that and challenge.
• 20:31
  Cathi Spooner: Sometimes we have to have hard conversations, but if you find yourself getting pulled into the dynamic, then you're gonna lose your clinical perspective.
• 20:46
  Cathi Spooner: Your perspective is gonna be biased, which now can influence in a negative way, the, the ability to faci, you know, provide those opportunities for change.
• 21:01
  Cathi Spooner: Here.
• 21:02
  Cathi Spooner: Here's the thing.
• 21:02
  Cathi Spooner: I always say this like my, I worked at a residential treatment program in one of my, um, one of my bosses who was actually a really good mentor.
• 21:14
  Cathi Spooner: Um, if any of you have ever worked in residential treatment, you know there's always crisis.
• 21:20
  Cathi Spooner: And so he used to chuckle a little bit whenever, whenever my clients were having a crisis, and I would go to him, I'm like, Aw.
• 21:29
  Cathi Spooner: And he would chuckle a little bit and he would say, yeah, I waste a good crisis.
• 21:34
  Cathi Spooner: And, and I, it always took me back in the beginning and I'm like, what is he talk?
• 21:39
  Cathi Spooner: And oh, that's what he is talking about, right?
• 21:42
  Cathi Spooner: My job isn't to fix it.
• 21:44
  Cathi Spooner: Now we have this opportunity, and I can have a hard conversation and, do it in a, a empathic and therapeutic way to provide an opportunity for client, for parents to make the change.
• 22:05
  Cathi Spooner: 'Cause I already know what they need to do and if I have, if I don't know what they need to do, I have people I can go to, to staff things and help me figure out what I need to do.
• 22:18
  Cathi Spooner: And, but the end of the, the bottom line is I am not the one who needs to make the change.
• 22:25
  Cathi Spooner: Most of the time, unless I've gotten pulled in and I've done something that I need to do a little repair work for, right?
• 22:32
  Cathi Spooner: That's my job to, to do that part.
• 22:36
  Cathi Spooner: So what, what to do instead.
• 22:38
  Cathi Spooner: So when you find yourself taking sides, even when it seems justifiable, the best thing to do is take a step back.
• 22:48
  Cathi Spooner: Look at the perspective from the other people in the family.
• 22:54
  Cathi Spooner: Look, I do this all the time.
• 22:58
  Cathi Spooner: Uh, when I find myself getting pulled, I will take a step back and I will get into my family systems lens and I will look at it systemically and I will try to think about each, each person and try to figure out, okay, what is their perspective on this?
• 23:21
  Cathi Spooner: What is their perspective on this?
• 23:23
  Cathi Spooner: What is the other family member's perspective on this?
• 23:28
  Cathi Spooner: And then as play therapist, our, our client is the is the child, always the child.
• 23:37
  Cathi Spooner: That doesn't mean though, that we don't look at the other perspectives.
• 23:44
  Cathi Spooner: We, we don't look at things systemically.
• 23:47
  Cathi Spooner: We need to conceptualize our client in context of their family system.
• 23:55
  Cathi Spooner: I would even say school and like the whole context of their environment, what, you know, sports, places of worship, friend circle, all the things.
• 24:09
  Cathi Spooner: Primarily though, when we're talking about working with parents, we're talking about looking at the child in the context of the family and looking at that from the different perspectives to get a better sense of what it's like to stand in the shoes of that other person.
• 24:30
  Cathi Spooner: And then our job is to facilitate conversation or or play, right?
• 24:37
  Cathi Spooner: We can use play therapy to do that.
• 24:40
  Cathi Spooner: Especially depending on the age, in order to help, help facilitate that change process.
• 24:48
  Cathi Spooner: But we are not the ones who are making the change.
• 24:54
  Cathi Spooner: We cannot make the change for our clients Our, we provide opportunities and we provide information in order for them to make the decision to to change.
• 25:08
  Cathi Spooner: Or sometimes I might think they need to do a certain thing and then turns out, oh, there's another option, and that seems to be the option that might be the breakthrough.
• 25:21
  Cathi Spooner: Or sometimes they need to do their way for a while until they're ready to follow my recommendations.
• 25:29
  Cathi Spooner: Sometimes we hold hard things for, for a while.
• 25:33
  Cathi Spooner: The other thing that I find if, especially I find when you're working with families is to have, I honestly, with kids and, and clients, I think it's always good to have a support network.
• 25:47
  Cathi Spooner: I don't think we can do this job alone.
• 25:51
  Cathi Spooner: I and I isolation.
• 25:52
  Cathi Spooner: I, I think, the best, one of the best things we can do is to get into a, a support community.
• 26:01
  Cathi Spooner: That's one of the reasons I started Play Therapy Elevation Circle, which is my, my newer membership for, um, to have a community.
• 26:13
  Cathi Spooner: We, in that membership, we meet once a month and do consultation.
• 26:17
  Cathi Spooner: We just, uh, next Monday we start our book club where we see, we go through a book.
• 26:24
  Cathi Spooner: We're going through being a Brainwise therapist by Bonnie Badnock.
• 26:27
  Cathi Spooner: I'm so excited.
• 26:28
  Cathi Spooner: It's one of my favorite books.
• 26:30
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and then, you know, use that information to plot, uh, apply with the work that we're doing.
• 26:37
  Cathi Spooner: And, and to me, having that community where you can get that support and take a step back.
• 26:45
  Cathi Spooner: We do that a lot in Play Therapy Academy.
• 26:49
  Cathi Spooner: Play Therapy Academy is really geared for people who are pursuing their RPT credential.
• 26:56
  Cathi Spooner: If there's a little more involved in that one, it's kind of a higher level of contact.
• 27:02
  Cathi Spooner: Um, versus Elevation Circle is really a place to have that community so you don't have to feel like you're doing it alone.
• 27:10
  Cathi Spooner: And if you're, if you're finding yourself getting embroiled in the unhealthy family patterns, then having that community can be a really good way to get some other perspectives.
• 27:25
  Cathi Spooner: That's one of the things I love about community is, is the power of of the different minds in the group and people being able to see things from different perspectives and offer solutions and access to resources.
• 27:41
  Cathi Spooner: So if you find yourself, not if, when you find yourself getting aligned one way more than the other, even when it's justifiable, our job is really to take that step back and to take that position of what's in the best interest of the child, even if it's something that makes the child uncomfortable.
• 28:08
  Cathi Spooner: Like what's in the best interest of doing that?
• 28:12
  Cathi Spooner: Because then there's a therapeutic way to work through that.
• 28:14
  Cathi Spooner: It doesn't mean we avoid, it just means there's some therapeutic work to be done and you have to have that relationship where they'll, they'll stick with you through the hard times.
• 28:27
  Cathi Spooner: So the third mistake that I find play therapists making is avoiding versus leading.
• 28:35
  Cathi Spooner: And if you find yourself like dreading certain clients coming or their parents and you find yourself trying to avoid conversations with them.
• 28:47
  Cathi Spooner: That's a good sign that there are issues that aren't addressed.
• 28:51
  Cathi Spooner: It might be your own shark music to use a circle of security term like, like your own things getting stirred up.
• 29:01
  Cathi Spooner: But it, it might not be.
• 29:03
  Cathi Spooner: It might be you're getting stirred up 'cause you're picking up on something that needs to be addressed.
• 29:10
  Cathi Spooner: And so children and families are kind of notorious for getting us pulled into their family dynamics, which was mistake number two.
• 29:24
  Cathi Spooner: Our job then is to figure out what needs to happen to facilitate, provide those opportunities for change.
• 29:33
  Cathi Spooner: One of the things that happens a lot is kind of getting us pulled into their secrets.
• 29:40
  Cathi Spooner: I, I always tell clients I make a distinction between a secret and a confidence.
• 29:46
  Cathi Spooner: A confidence is why people come to therapy to have a private place to talk through really vulnerable and difficult and challenging things.
• 29:56
  Cathi Spooner: A secret is something that's gonna keep you stuck.
• 30:00
  Cathi Spooner: Your secrets will own you.
• 30:01
  Cathi Spooner: And therapists, if we.
• 30:04
  Cathi Spooner: If we get sucked into the secret keeping, then, then we're gonna most likely end up being part of the problem.
• 30:14
  Cathi Spooner: Now, how you work through that can vary as a therapist, depending on your clients, depending on the way you know, your play therapy model, how you work that through.
• 30:26
  Cathi Spooner: But there might be the need to have a hard conversation.
• 30:30
  Cathi Spooner: And being a leader means you know when to have, you know when that conversation needs to happen, and now you're facilitating having some hard conversations and you might have to have hard conversations for several sessions.
• 30:48
  Cathi Spooner: There's a therapeutic way to do it.
• 30:52
  Cathi Spooner: So the, the result is if you don't, then you're gonna find yourself probably getting frustrated, overwhelmed, you're gonna be avoiding your imposter syndrome is probably gonna get activated.
• 31:10
  Cathi Spooner: You might find yourself like this, a lot of times conflict brings up a lot of yuck for most of us.
• 31:20
  Cathi Spooner: Most people don't like conflict.
• 31:22
  Cathi Spooner: I am one of those people.
• 31:23
  Cathi Spooner: I don't like conflict.
• 31:25
  Cathi Spooner: I hate conflict with a passion to be completely honest.
• 31:28
  Cathi Spooner: But I've just learned I can't avoid it because it'll be worse.
• 31:34
  Cathi Spooner: We won't make any progress.
• 31:36
  Cathi Spooner: We won't get any breakthroughs.
• 31:38
  Cathi Spooner: We'll stay stuck where we are.
• 31:41
  Cathi Spooner: I'll feel resentful.
• 31:43
  Cathi Spooner: I won't be able to be therapeutic.
• 31:46
  Cathi Spooner: I'll get aligned.
• 31:48
  Cathi Spooner: It, it just, they're gonna stay stuck because I'm stuck.
• 31:53
  Cathi Spooner: That's also true in personal life as well.
• 31:55
  Cathi Spooner: Like, we're not gonna work through our issues and relationships.
• 31:59
  Cathi Spooner: I feel like that's a thing for most of us, like are, are we leading by having those hard conversations about things that need to be addressed?
• 32:12
  Cathi Spooner: So what do you do instead?
• 32:15
  Cathi Spooner: What to do instead is really, you know, we, we in the mental health field.
• 32:22
  Cathi Spooner: We have made a commitment to lifelong self-awareness and self-reflection, which I find kind of exhausting sometimes and.
• 32:33
  Cathi Spooner: It's necessary.
• 32:35
  Cathi Spooner: Honestly, I feel like it makes us like better people anyway, so there's a personal benefit out of it.
• 32:41
  Cathi Spooner: What kind of person do I wanna be?
• 32:44
  Cathi Spooner: What you know, do my values align with my actions?
• 32:48
  Cathi Spooner: Do am I operating out of integrity?
• 32:51
  Cathi Spooner: Those are important things for me.
• 32:54
  Cathi Spooner: And what does that look like?
• 32:55
  Cathi Spooner: And then what does that look like in the therapeutic relationship?
• 33:00
  Cathi Spooner: So we're always on that journey of self-discovery and self-reflection.
• 33:06
  Cathi Spooner: All right, so FYI, my dog Luna is now in the room.
• 33:10
  Cathi Spooner: Luna.
• 33:11
  Cathi Spooner: She's digging my carpet.
• 33:13
  Cathi Spooner: You can see in the carpet where there's like little Luna digging piles.
• 33:17
  Cathi Spooner: She's like bringing up all the carpet.
• 33:20
  Cathi Spooner: Hi.
• 33:21
  Cathi Spooner: Okay.
• 33:21
  Cathi Spooner: She's resting now.
• 33:22
  Cathi Spooner: So if you hear any strange noise in the background, that was Luna digging.
• 33:26
  Cathi Spooner: There's nothing weird going on in here.
• 33:29
  Cathi Spooner: Um, so what to do instead is, you know, ongoing self re reflection, self-discovery, self-care.
• 33:39
  Cathi Spooner: Sometimes we just need to step out of the situation.
• 33:45
  Cathi Spooner: Sometimes we need to take a break.
• 33:47
  Cathi Spooner: Sometimes we need to you know, refill our own water tank and go do something that fills your soul or I, for me, that's getting out into nature and spending time with my family or my faith, spending time filling up with that.
• 34:11
  Cathi Spooner: I love poetry, so sometimes I'll go read the, I like the mental health poetry, the self-reflection poetry.
• 34:18
  Cathi Spooner: So sometimes I'll go read some of that and do some journaling.
• 34:20
  Cathi Spooner: Right?
• 34:21
  Cathi Spooner: So what do you do?
• 34:22
  Cathi Spooner: What do you do for self-care?
• 34:25
  Cathi Spooner: Are you doing it?
• 34:26
  Cathi Spooner: Are you finding yourself getting frustrated?
• 34:29
  Cathi Spooner: Burned out, maybe kind of in your head, blaming parents a little bit, like they're not doing this or they're not doing that, and maybe they're not.
• 34:39
  Cathi Spooner: The, the key is like, what are you doing about it and how are you handling that?
• 34:45
  Cathi Spooner: And can you get to that place of congruence with unconditional positive regard and empathy where you are able to experience that internally, so it'll reflect externally.
• 34:59
  Cathi Spooner: Right?
• 34:59
  Cathi Spooner: That's the con congruence piece.
• 35:03
  Cathi Spooner: So, so do your self-care.
• 35:07
  Cathi Spooner: Um, ongoing self-discovery and self-awareness.
• 35:13
  Cathi Spooner: And I would say be part of a play therapy community that where you can get, get some support.
• 35:24
  Cathi Spooner: So that is it for today.
• 35:27
  Cathi Spooner: I'm just gonna do a quick recap on today's topic, which is the three of the top mistakes that I find play therapists making when they're working with parents that will stall out play therapy progress.
• 35:45
  Cathi Spooner: The first one is accommodating versus enabling, and there's a fine line between being supportive and accommodating versus enabling unhealthy behavior, which is gonna set you up for getting stalled out in play therapy and not making any progress.
• 36:03
  Cathi Spooner: And the key is you really need to identify your expectations.
• 36:06
  Cathi Spooner: What is your role?
• 36:08
  Cathi Spooner: What is client's role?
• 36:10
  Cathi Spooner: What is parent's role in there?
• 36:12
  Cathi Spooner: And that's gonna align with your play therapy model.
• 36:16
  Cathi Spooner: And, and so that's your theoretical model.
• 36:19
  Cathi Spooner: And so really having that lens that you're looking at to identify parents' role is also gonna help you understand, like your role, what, what is your role gonna look like from that theoretical model?
• 36:38
  Cathi Spooner: And then also the next one is becoming embroiled in the unhealthy family patterns.
• 36:45
  Cathi Spooner: It's not a matter of if it's gonna happen, it's a matter of when and how often.
• 36:52
  Cathi Spooner: And so if you find yourself getting frustrated, maybe being a little blamey in your head and in your attitude, maybe take a step back and take a look at perspectives from each, each person and look at it through their lens, and then get back to that neutral place where you can focus on what needs to happen in order to facilitate healing for your client.
• 37:19
  Cathi Spooner: And then the third thing is avoiding versus leading.
• 37:24
  Cathi Spooner: And so if you find yourself avoiding situations, then it's a good sign and maybe you're, it's activating your imposter syndrome or maybe you're getting a little blamey in your head and maybe your attitude's getting a little blamey.
• 37:41
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and, you know, you're, you're avoiding situations and sometimes we avoid because we don't think it's gonna be therapeutic and, um, it's uncomfortable.
• 37:55
  Cathi Spooner: So if that's the case, we have to do our own self-reflection because clients are only only gonna progress as far as we are able to progress in our own healing, which means we have to deal with conflict, conflict and lucky feelings, our part of life and part of relationship, including therapeutic relationship.
• 38:19
  Cathi Spooner: And sometimes these things have to happen.
• 38:22
  Cathi Spooner: So, the thing you wanna make sure that you are leading by taking the lead to have hard conversations that are gonna provide opportunities for clients to make decisions about the change process and what is gonna happen to facilitate that change.
• 38:45
  Cathi Spooner: You can do that in a therapeutic way, which is why I like neuroscience and attachment'cause if you look at it through that lens, then it gives you a lot of clues about what to do and help your, and how to help your clients to accomplish that change and get the breakthroughs that are that they need, that they want in order to have that life worth living if I borrow a DBT uh term.
• 39:17
  Cathi Spooner: So that is it for today.
• 39:19
  Cathi Spooner: For those of you who are interested and want to take a deeper dive into working with parents and getting developing your skills or, especially when you're working with the challenging parents.
• 39:35
  Cathi Spooner: I think using a neuroscience and attachment lens gives you the keys to understand how to work with challenging parents, and when you find yourself kind of getting stuck over and over using that theoretical lens can give you some ideas about what you need to do.
• 39:56
  Cathi Spooner: And that one of the reasons I created the course Getting Grounded partnering with Parents in play therapy is because I found over and over the, these mistakes were being made.
• 40:10
  Cathi Spooner: And this is an area, uh, that I think, excuse me, most play therapists struggle and don't really have a framework to help them work with parents, especially the challenging parents.
• 40:28
  Cathi Spooner: And so in partnering with, uh, Getting Grounded, partnering with Parents in Play Therapy, there's, there's a whole module on setting the groundwork, understanding neuroscience and attachment so that you have the ability to define what is the role of parents and what is that gonna look like?
• 40:49
  Cathi Spooner: Because you're gonna be explaining this to parents to help them understand what is their role and what is that actually gonna look like for the their child to get the healing that they want their child to have.
• 41:02
  Cathi Spooner: There's a whole module in there on taking that foundation and then what does that look like when you're working with challenging parents?
• 41:12
  Cathi Spooner: How?
• 41:13
  Cathi Spooner: How can you get parents to come alongside and be that partner with you in the change process?
• 41:22
  Cathi Spooner: How are you setting your expectations?
• 41:25
  Cathi Spooner: All of these things.
• 41:26
  Cathi Spooner: If there's even a module in there on working, like some do's and don'ts when you're working with children in high conflict, divorced families, that one comes up a lot.
• 41:38
  Cathi Spooner: So I put a whole module in there to, to help you set, like avoid all the mistakes I made early on.
• 41:46
  Cathi Spooner: And then once I figured out they were mistakes, I came up with solutions to, uh, move past them so that we were constantly moving towards progress.
• 41:57
  Cathi Spooner: So this course takes my 30 plus years of experience in the child and adolescent mental health field.
• 42:07
  Cathi Spooner: And kind of wraps it all up in one course to help you be more effective when working with parents to get that, those breakthroughs and the that healing that you want for your clients, it's, all prerecorded.
• 42:28
  Cathi Spooner: It's online, it's modules.
• 42:29
  Cathi Spooner: You can take it in your time zone when it's convenient for you.
• 42:33
  Cathi Spooner: So if you're interested in that, you are definitely gonna wanna pop over to my website at rh play therapy training.com.
• 42:44
  Cathi Spooner: That's RH play therapy training.com.
• 42:48
  Cathi Spooner: The name of the course is Getting Grounded Partnering with Parents in Play Therapy.
• 42:54
  Cathi Spooner: Um.
• 42:55
  Cathi Spooner: And the website is renewing hearts play therapy training.com.
• 43:02
  Cathi Spooner: Rh play therapy training.com.
• 43:04
  Cathi Spooner: There's, right now I have a promotion that I'm running on it.
• 43:07
  Cathi Spooner: You can get $40 off the course.
• 43:11
  Cathi Spooner: Um, and so that's an awesome, an awesome discount.
• 43:17
  Cathi Spooner: I figured it's, it's back to school time.
• 43:19
  Cathi Spooner: Everybody's caseloads are gonna be filling up.
• 43:22
  Cathi Spooner: This would be a really good time to kind of get some, get some new fresh ideas and perspectives to work with parents and help you out there.
• 43:33
  Cathi Spooner: Also, if you're interested, I do have Play Therapy Elevation Circle.
• 43:39
  Cathi Spooner: That's my new membership for play therapists.
• 43:42
  Cathi Spooner: To we, we staff cases once a month.
• 43:46
  Cathi Spooner: We do monthly book club.
• 43:48
  Cathi Spooner: There's a community in there for support.
• 43:50
  Cathi Spooner: Play therapy elevation Circle is more geared to people who don't want all of the like high contact for, uh, play Therapy Academy.
• 44:02
  Cathi Spooner: Play Therapy Academy is more geared towards people who want to pursue their registered play Therapy Credential.
• 44:11
  Cathi Spooner: Play therapy elevation Circle is, is a little more, um, I don't wanna say relaxed, but it's, there's not as many meetings, um, there's not all the courses in there.
• 44:25
  Cathi Spooner: And it's really focused on having a community and giving support to each other and being able to have a place to staff cases and get support and use your people, your Play Therapy peeps as I call us Play Therapy peeps to get support with them.
• 44:42
  Cathi Spooner: So, um, go check that out on my website.
• 44:45
  Cathi Spooner: That one's on the consultation page, and I will see you next week.
• 44:51
  Cathi Spooner: Bye for now.
• 44:57
  Cathi Spooner: Thank you for joining me on this episode of Next Level Play Therapy.
• 45:02
  Cathi Spooner: I hope you found the discussion valuable and gained new insights and ideas to support your work helping children, adolescents, and families feel.
• 45:11
  Cathi Spooner: If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review.
• 45:16
  Cathi Spooner: Your feedback helps to improve and reach more people who can benefit from this information.
• 45:22
  Cathi Spooner: Remember, play therapy is a powerful tool for healing and growth.
• 45:27
  Cathi Spooner: Whether you're a new play therapist or experienced, I encourage you to continue your learning journey to unlock the potential of play in your own work in relationships.
• 45:38
  Cathi Spooner: If you have any questions or topics, suggestions for future episodes.
• 45:43
  Cathi Spooner: I'd love to hear from you.
• 45:45
  Cathi Spooner: Connect with me on social media and visit my website at Renewing Hearts Play Therapy Training to stay updated on upcoming episodes, trainings, and resources.
• 45:58
  Cathi Spooner: Thank you once again for listening to Next Level Play Therapy.
• 46:01
  Cathi Spooner: Until next time, keep playing, learning and growing.