Latest / Deeply Well with Devi Brown / Soul Bonds Part 1 with Yvonne Orji

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Soul Bonds Part 1 with Yvonne Orji · Deeply Well with Devi Brown

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  Speaker 1: M from grandmothers who whispered in their baby girl is.
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  Speaker 1: Two fathers on dimly lit street corners, instructing young soldiers
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  Speaker 1: to always keep their eyes open. You be queen, you
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  Speaker 1: were fired. You will pass through centuries on the hands
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  Speaker 1: of your daughters. They called you wisdom. Proverbs on the
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  Speaker 1: backs of diamond eyed school children who grew into hymnals
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  Speaker 1: recited by amethyst holding urban philosophers who recited neighborhood commandments
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  Speaker 1: out of the windows of restored Alchemedo chariots. To keep
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  Speaker 1: the warmth of their blood. Be wise, be smart, being black,
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  Speaker 1: Opal Brown courts, bloodstone and prayer. Be every form of
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  Speaker 1: Jim see king told, scribe, scribe, told son, son, told wife,
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  Speaker 1: wife told her daughter, and daughter told the as this is.
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  Speaker 1: And the ancestors told me that you would come to
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  Speaker 1: give wisdom houses. They said you would come dropping roping Jim. Welcome,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: dropping gems. Thank you for joining us in this sacred space,
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  Speaker 1: this beautiful container. I'm Debbie Brown. I'm the host of
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  Speaker 1: the show per Usual. Um as always feeling really grateful
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  Speaker 1: and blessed to be here with you and to share
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  Speaker 1: this audio space. Real quick shout out to the new
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  Speaker 1: Clubhouse room that I'm doing. If you happen to be
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  Speaker 1: on Clubhouse, join the Choper club Room. I've been doing
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  Speaker 1: meditations and discussions there, and I just started a new
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  Speaker 1: room on my page Debbie Brown Everywhere, and it's called
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  Speaker 1: the Sacred Self, and I'm gonna be leading some live
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  Speaker 1: meditations throughout the week there. So join me today's show.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god, this is gonna be a lot in
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  Speaker 1: the best way possible. I've been waiting for this moment.
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  Speaker 1: I have one of my dearest friends on the show
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  Speaker 1: today and absolutely exceptional woman. Yvonne Orgy is a Nigerian
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  Speaker 1: American Emmy nominated actress, comedian, and writer who continues to
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  Speaker 1: display her versatility and passion with each project that she
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  Speaker 1: takes on. On television. She stars in HBO's critically acclaimed
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  Speaker 1: comedy series and Secure. She's a distinguished stand up comedian.
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  Speaker 1: Yvon previously open for Chris Rock on various stops of
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  Speaker 1: his Total Blackout Tour and headlined her incredible first comedy tour,
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  Speaker 1: Lagos to Laurel at the Top, of which stays on
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  Speaker 1: repeat on My HBO, and she subsequently debuted her first
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  Speaker 1: one hour HBO stand up special Mama, I made it
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  Speaker 1: on June six. Additionally, Orgies faith based advice book Bamboozled
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  Speaker 1: by Jesus, How God Tricked Me Into the Life of
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  Speaker 1: My Dreams is currently out now and Wow, I can't
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  Speaker 1: wait to I can't wait to dive into the duty
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  Speaker 1: of that book. In September, Evan made her feature film
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  Speaker 1: debut in Universal's Night School along Kevin Hart and Tiffany Hattish,
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  Speaker 1: and she's also the co host of the podcast Jesus
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  Speaker 1: and Jelaf alongside another faive, our Girl Lovey and Outside
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  Speaker 1: of our creative work, org is dedicated to her charitable efforts.
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  Speaker 1: In two thousand and eight, she spent six months working
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  Speaker 1: on post conflict Liberia with Population Services International and NGO
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  Speaker 1: that utilizes social marketing in the adoption of healthy behaviors.
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  Speaker 1: While in Liberia, she worked with a group of talented
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  Speaker 1: youth to help build a mentoring program as well as
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  Speaker 1: a weekly talk show that helped educate and prevent WOW
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  Speaker 1: Team pregnancy and HIV AIDS. Just when you think your
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  Speaker 1: friends are amazing enough already, you read their bio and
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  Speaker 1: you get a deeper look at their life and you're like, well, damn,
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  Speaker 1: you've been saving the world this whole time. Uh. She's
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  Speaker 1: currently involved with red campaigns and faith based youth ministries,
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  Speaker 1: and before moving to l A even earned a bachelor's
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  Speaker 1: degree in sociology and a master's of public health from
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  Speaker 1: George Washington University. Damn, you have lived a million lives
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  Speaker 1: in this one. Welcome to the show. Vinoo hey, hey
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  Speaker 1: foo hey love you, Like let me just love Debbie Brown.
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  Speaker 1: Like it's like like you know, like when I when
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  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'm driving here, It's like it's like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: let me take it back in the Bible when uh,
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  Speaker 1: Elizabeth who came to visit Mary and she was like,
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  Speaker 1: at the sound of your voice, the baby in my
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  Speaker 1: in my womb left. I'm like, as I got closer
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  Speaker 1: to your house, I'm like, the joy in my womb left.
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  Speaker 1: Like it's like it's like there's some people who you
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  Speaker 1: feel there there or in their presence before you're in
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  Speaker 1: their presence, and you're one of them, It's like, yes,
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  Speaker 1: who do I want to be around you? Because you
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  Speaker 1: bring me joy? And I'm a joy defender. That's like
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  Speaker 1: part of my purpose and so to be around people
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  Speaker 1: who honor the sacred space of positivity, of peace, of
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  Speaker 1: of light. Girl. Thank you for blessing me with that.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you for blessing me with that. It's so funny, Van,
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  Speaker 1: because when I think of you like you are just
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  Speaker 1: so everyone, please know this will be a love fest
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  Speaker 1: before I go any farther. Get ready to savor in
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  Speaker 1: all of this girlfriend love. Um. You know, when I
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  Speaker 1: think of you, Yvonne, like you are like the manifestation
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  Speaker 1: of delight, Like you are literally this being that's so
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  Speaker 1: effervescent and just filled with this delight, this joy, this radiance,
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  Speaker 1: and it's like pours out of you, like seeps out
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  Speaker 1: of your pores, and you know, it's so it's so
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  Speaker 1: beautiful what you just reflected to me. And I'm so
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  Speaker 1: grateful and I completely relate because I remember, you know,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: when we before I even met you. I mean, obviously
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  Speaker 1: I was a fan of the show. I think that
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: goes without saying like Insecure is one of the greatest
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  Speaker 1: shows of all time, and when it when it debuted,
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  Speaker 1: I think so many of us felt like, oh, I
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  Speaker 1: really get to see myself and I get to see
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  Speaker 1: my friendships and I get to have, you know, a
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  Speaker 1: show that had more complex layers like it's a funny show,
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  Speaker 1: but it's a very real depiction of our day to
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  Speaker 1: day lives, of our friendships, of our love, of the
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  Speaker 1: way we hold space for ourselves. And so when I
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  Speaker 1: think about the show, Yvonne, you know, I remember seeing
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  Speaker 1: you on that show, and I think one, I thought
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  Speaker 1: you were so striking like that show. When you hit
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  Speaker 1: the screen, I was like, oh, she fine, Like this
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  Speaker 1: woman is beautiful, like she has this like this way
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  Speaker 1: of being. I loved the way they styled Molly. I
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  Speaker 1: hadn't seen a character like Molly on TV in that way,
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  Speaker 1: you know, someone that was that like in themselves but
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  Speaker 1: still seeking more, but already at a young age, holding
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  Speaker 1: power in that way. I really connected to that in
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  Speaker 1: that character, you know. And I remember we've kind of
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  Speaker 1: orbited each other for a while, like we have a
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  Speaker 1: lot of mutuals. And it's so funny how I find
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  Speaker 1: out how many mutuals we have because we have like
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  Speaker 1: our kind of industry mutuals, and then we have mutuals
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  Speaker 1: where I'm like, wait, you know the guy that grew
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  Speaker 1: up with my cousins like in Carson, really like we
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  Speaker 1: just found that out, just found that. But that's why
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  Speaker 1: I told Demie. I was like, you can't even be
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  Speaker 1: a crackhead. Someone's gonna sign out, someone's going to be
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  Speaker 1: like you further on the weekend, you'd be a crackhead.
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  Speaker 1: It's just like, it's not thank God for meditation, because
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  Speaker 1: I think that is the thing that will always keep
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  Speaker 1: me from from from that, from crack, from many things. Um,
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  Speaker 1: but we thank God for the things they keep you from. Greg.
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  Speaker 1: If you're you know this, it is hard. If you're listening,
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  Speaker 1: you're you know, reforming, it's so good. Everybody has a
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  Speaker 1: process that there's no here the dignity of our process. No,
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  Speaker 1: but truly right because so many things, like we're saying
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  Speaker 1: that in jest, but so many things bring us to
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  Speaker 1: these vices sometimes really disconnect us from ourselves. Um. But
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  Speaker 1: so I was always watching you from afar and I
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  Speaker 1: was like, she seems like a great person. Like I
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  Speaker 1: remember just seeing you interact with people, the way you
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  Speaker 1: showered people. I was just like, she seems like a
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  Speaker 1: great human. And then we had a chance to meet
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  Speaker 1: for the very first time. We met at an insecure party.
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  Speaker 1: I think it was like a couple of seasons ago
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  Speaker 1: was the Rat party, and we have the same realtorn.
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  Speaker 1: We love you hey, and so we the three of
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  Speaker 1: us ended up in a pow wow at the party
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  Speaker 1: and we were sharing space and I was like, oh, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I have a thing for her, like I like her,
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  Speaker 1: and I think you were like, you gotta come over
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  Speaker 1: to you know, my nic wilds, and I remember me
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  Speaker 1: like house because that's what she was far and I
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  Speaker 1: was like, I was like, oh, she said, but the
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  Speaker 1: funny thing is, I don't if I get to your
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  Speaker 1: house in fifteen minutes, but that's fine. We can. We
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  Speaker 1: can hold it there if you wish. And then I
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  Speaker 1: finally did come to her house and I was like
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  Speaker 1: I could live here. Let me see about being her
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  Speaker 1: neighbor and then dependemic and I was like, it don't
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  Speaker 1: even matter when you lived no more, right, I'm a
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  Speaker 1: little tucked away um. And then the tie. I think
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  Speaker 1: that you know how, sometimes you can orbit people and
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  Speaker 1: you can feel that there is something to be had
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  Speaker 1: between you, but then you just kind of surrender to
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  Speaker 1: divine time. And so I remember, I think we flashed
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  Speaker 1: forward like maybe half a year and you and I
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  Speaker 1: lock eyes on a plane. Yes, we're both on our
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  Speaker 1: way to Mexico. We're going to Cancoon. We're going to
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  Speaker 1: our dear friend my Leak's beautiful retreat that she does
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  Speaker 1: for women every year. Just incredible that my taught you retreat.
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  Speaker 1: And we locked eyes on the plane and we're like,
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  Speaker 1: oh hey girl, and then we get off the plane
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  Speaker 1: and we've been inseparable ever since. It was right immigration
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  Speaker 1: we were in the line. Commigration was like, girl, this
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  Speaker 1: is gonna take us an hour to get through. We're
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  Speaker 1: going to the same place. We might as well be
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  Speaker 1: here to get Let's talk about life. So tell me.
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  Speaker 1: I found like everything about you in that line. I
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  Speaker 1: was like, get your pastor about to get his stamps
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  Speaker 1: and and just and I was like, oh, I like her.
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  Speaker 1: And it was because it was the thing too, like
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  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know everyone that's going to
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  Speaker 1: be here. I know some people, but I'm like, I
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  Speaker 1: we we have that bond in the connection of the
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  Speaker 1: insecure party. But I'm like, this is you know, when
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  Speaker 1: you're taking out of the element that you're used to
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  Speaker 1: and then you're just allowed to be yourself with someone
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  Speaker 1: in real time, you're just like, oh, oh, I do
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  Speaker 1: like her now. She's sweet. She's sweet, and I'm like nice,
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  Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I know people are like, don't be nice,
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  Speaker 1: be kind or whatever. I'm like, I like nice, I
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  Speaker 1: like generous, I like sweet, I like easy. I need
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  Speaker 1: easy in my life because life can get filled with
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  Speaker 1: so much other stuff that it don't need to be
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  Speaker 1: And when you find people that you can just take
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  Speaker 1: yourself off withes. Yeah, And I would love to hear
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  Speaker 1: your thoughts on that, because you know, for me, I
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  Speaker 1: feel like I've reached I've really, really really reach the
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  Speaker 1: place in my life why I am unwilling to perform
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  Speaker 1: in any moment right, And so even that means noticing
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  Speaker 1: the tiny performances we do for ourselves sometimes or that
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  Speaker 1: we do for even our closest friends, you know, like
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to have to be in a continual
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  Speaker 1: state of excitement. Like the way I experience excitement is
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  Speaker 1: just I'm content, you know. Um, And I love that
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  Speaker 1: when you have those really genuine, deep friendships, you get
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  Speaker 1: to take off not only the armor, not only the mask,
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  Speaker 1: but you also get to take off that that the
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  Speaker 1: many performances, you get to take yourself out of the
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  Speaker 1: role of having to be someone's audience and you can
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  Speaker 1: just really exist at the deepest layer possible, which doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean we're always crying and talking about you know, our wounds.
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  Speaker 1: But when you don't even recognize the you that you are,
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  Speaker 1: that's when you know this is safe space, you know
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  Speaker 1: what I mean? Because when because it's like you know,
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  Speaker 1: they say, they say, don't tell a lot because you
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  Speaker 1: have to remember it like the truth, the truth needs
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: to know alibi. So you if you're walking in truth,
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  Speaker 1: you can encapsulate any space and you don't have to
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: like do recon on, like yo, what was the last
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  Speaker 1: thing I said? Because you know how you're moving, You're
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  Speaker 1: you're moving in your authenticity and so it's like I
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  Speaker 1: don't need to remember I'm just I'm being. And so
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  Speaker 1: you know, I grew up in a way where love
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  Speaker 1: was performative. I grew up where one I was bullied
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  Speaker 1: as a kid, right, so let's we can go all
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  Speaker 1: the way back. So I was bullied as a kid,
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  Speaker 1: and so for me, acceptance came um at a cost.
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  Speaker 1: So the times where I was accepted was when I
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  Speaker 1: would let the smart pretty girls copy my science somewhere
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  Speaker 1: because I was like, yo, you can't be foolish, and
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: you know, unpopular I got, I got big one I'm like,
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: if I can't eat with y'all, you know, share lunchables
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  Speaker 1: with y'all, I'm gonna be smart. I'm gonna get these
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: straight a's and you know. So it was just like,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: all right, well even knows all the chemistry, so we're
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  Speaker 1: gonna be her friend. And so for me, I was like,
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  Speaker 1: oh okay, so relationship so transactional. For me, it was
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: like that's what this is. I have something that someone
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  Speaker 1: wants and I will allow myself to be used because
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  Speaker 1: they have something I want, which is acceptance. So that
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  Speaker 1: was that part. And then growing up in a Nigerian household, Um,
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  Speaker 1: love was performative. It was if as long as you're
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  Speaker 1: doing these things, we love you the most. No one
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  Speaker 1: says that, but they sure as heck act like it,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: you know, and so it's it's then love because performatives.
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  Speaker 1: So in order for me to stay your good graces,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I kind of have to be a people pleaser or
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: a parent pleaser or whatever insert p word here pleaser.
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  Speaker 1: And um, I didn't know who to be because I
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  Speaker 1: didn't know who which version of me would be most accepted.
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  Speaker 1: So I kind of was just like double dutcheon, you know,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: be all things to all people. It was like, yeah,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: but that's that's not what the scripture me. But it
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: was it was literally, who what version of myself do
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: you like? Cool? Let me do that? Okay, I wonder
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: if that same version translates this other person. Well I
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: can't take no chances, So what version of me do
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: you like? Cool? Let me do that? And so I
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: just was like picking up versions of me and like
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: never rocking the boat because in Nigerian hounseholds you don't argue,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: well you don't know how to argue because it's literally
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: like I don't talk to high anymore. No. She said
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: one thing to me five years ago, I'll never, I'll never.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: You're like, what what did she say? She didn't say
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: good morning? And I was like, oh my god, well
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: why did you say good morning? I M I have
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: mates and this is everything is so like built on
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: like disrespect or respect or how dare you? And it's
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: just like yo, fam, this can be there's got to
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: be more than life. I remember like not seeing my
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: cousins for five years because our parents were beefing, Like
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: just because they were beefing. It was just like cool,
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: we're casualties of this war, and it's like, but I
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: like them, and there's a family, and we were grown.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: We were like high school, so then you know, we
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: both we all graduated. So now like it's like, hey, um,
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I guess we can be cool again. But we missed
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: those formative years and it's like we we've had to
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: like rebuild and rework because of the sentences of our fathers.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: So it's just like this is wow. Relationships. I didn't
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: really see a lot of fostered um positive relationship because
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: then there was also the thing of like mom, you
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: know or Auntie, that's your best friend and it's like, yes,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: but we don't know what's happening in the house. You're
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: like what what does that mean? Like you know what
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: I mean. It's like I didn't know that you could
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: be completely transparent and be accepted because there was always
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: like you gotta keep something for yourself. So it's like, yes,
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  Speaker 1: that is my best friend, but like she can't know
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: my deepest dark and secret, and it's like then who
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: can you know? Like who can? Because and so why
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: because I'm sure she got a deep dark secret and
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: she trying to give to you too, And it was
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: just like this notion of you don't know what they
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: will do with that information, and I was just like,
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  Speaker 1: this just feels like this just feels unsafe, but it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't need to be unsafe. But I didn't know how
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  Speaker 1: to have those words because I was also in an
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  Speaker 1: unsafe situation because I was being bullied, like so I
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: didn't I didn't know what true friendship was, so I
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: couldn't navigate for other people what it should be, and
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  Speaker 1: so I just was like, we'll figure it out something,
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  Speaker 1: and then life just kept going on. So I didn't
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  Speaker 1: really get friends or know how to be for a
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: friend till college. And even then it was still I
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: was a yes friend because it was like I got
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: him now I don't want to let him go. I mean,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: it's so powerful, and I'm so grateful that you shared
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: like the fullness of the layers of that, because so
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: many of us can hear our selves in this. I
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: think one, I relate to so much of what you're saying.
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  Speaker 1: I I see and feel myself in so many of
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: those observations and those connections you were making as a
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: young person, and I think it just perfectly illustrates that's
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: how so often an adult life we arrive at different
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: moments in time where we have judgment on ourselves, thinking
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: we should know how to do things. But when we
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: walk back, when we kind of are able to reverse
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: engineer our beliefs, we come into a space of saying, well, yeah, no,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: wonder that doesn't feel true because what I've noticed, you know,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: we're at a very special moment in time where we're
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: having expansive conversations we've never had. But also people are
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: given access to resources that they've never had, like therapy,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: or like even going on Instagram and getting a breakthrough
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: from a couple of lines like oh other people went
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: through that, you know, and and the people are the
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: generations before us did not have access in that way.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: And so from what you're saying and the way that
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: I I've been really investigating, um, my own life, I
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: always was kind of hyper aware without the language, that
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: the adults around me were performing and that they weren't
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: as emotionally illiterate as as emotionally literate as we were
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: trained to think that adults were, because since we're kids,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: it's always kind of trained to find an adult, Go
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: find an adult, an adult will have the right thing
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: to do. And then I was kind of noticing adults
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: in my life not making the most whole choices um,
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: even as it related to their own friendships. Like I
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: remember being like, well, maybe you should just call them
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: or you know, or why don't you tell to that
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: as it relates to decisions UM with me, or in
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: the way that emotions were expressed, it just seemed like
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: what you're saying and how you're living don't feel like
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: they're fully matching, and so is that actually real? And
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: can I trust that from you? And if you can't
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: trust it in your family of origin, it's impossible to
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: go in the world and create relationships that are built
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: and trust because we haven't yet access what that means
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: for us um and what that means in motion as
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: a verb in action you know. So yeah, and it's
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: so later too, because I'll never forget. I used to
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: think because my mom was so on the spectrum of like,
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: you know, keep your secrets close to you. Yeah. I
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I thought that when someone shared like their deepest secret
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: with me, like we're best friends, yes, But then I
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: experienced people who just like share those things and I
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: was just like, hold up. So it was like they
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: shared something that was like, oh, my god, I would
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: never share that, and so then it gave me, it
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: gave me license to share. Oh, I don't think we're
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: I don't think we're close at all, you know what
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I mean? Like and that that stung me because then
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I was like, I got this all wrong. I was
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: over here telling you know, my mom and my aunts,
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: a like open up and this person is opening up,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: but they open up to everybody, so like what is
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: the what's the spectrum? You know? Because I thought this
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: is how you know somebody rocks with you, they can
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: share something so INTI minute so personally so private. But
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: then I had a relationship that did or friendship that did,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, this is weird because now
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I'm wide open and she got my secrets, but I
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: don't think she keeping them safe and so that hurt me.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: So then it was just like who can you be
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: your stuff with? You know what I mean? Like what
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: is the It's almost like Goldilocks. It's like one is
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: too close, one it's way too open. What's the middle?
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: And sometimes that trial and error makes you close up.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: You're like I don't know, I don't know, I don't
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: know that I want to find the middle because I
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: don't know who got the middle, because yikes, I love that.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: And I think that that is so especially in our
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: young formative life where we're even learning who we are,
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: what our stories are, where we can feel safe, that's
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: such a big piece of it. UM. And I think
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: in our adult lives, like the space that I like
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: to occupy is I consider myself as having no secrets
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: because I'd rather just be fully open in me as
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I feel called right and shot. My friend Job says
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: it really good, Um, really well, he says, you know,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: speak your truth so no one can use it against you.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: That's the language. But also like speak your truth because
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with you or your truth. You know,
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: like there's nothing that any of us can do that
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: we should be really truly ashamed of and hold ourselves
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: to forever. You know, there's always an option for love
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: to creep in. There's always an option to have UM
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: an enlightenment of transcendence and ascension from whatever those styles
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: of being were UM because I was like, I'm the
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: person that might walk up to someone at a party
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: and and if the conversation is flowing, you might know
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: more about me than everyone in my life and and
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: and we had a moment and it could be this
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: is the last time I'll see you, ye like we
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: go together now or we go together. What I found
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: to that point, DEVI, is that your freedom freeze just
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: in general, like my freedom to be able to be
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: an an American woman saying like I want more than
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: what I've seen the generations before me. It's like that's
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: free into the next n you're an American woman, was like,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I think that was possible. It's like it is for me,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: So turn up and again, everything costs. Freedom costs, So
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: it comes with the price. It comes, there's a there's
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: a price to pay for it. But once you get
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: it and then you are able to unlock the change
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: for other people. So you know, I think about even
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: just like things that I've shared about, you know, growing
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: up with this dual lens of being both nan American
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: and in my experiences there and things that I'm on learning,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: and it can be like, man, you know, I really
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: want to protect you know, the adults in my life
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: in this way, but at the same time, it's like
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: to what cause, but protect them, like like everybody made
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: a decision. You know, even some things that even I
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: put in the book, or I was like, at some
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: point I was like, oh, someone's gont my read that
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: and I think I'm talking about them, But I'm like,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: but they're part of my history and that's how it
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: went down. So yeah, yikes, you know what I mean, Like,
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: I sorry, but I it's now a teachable moment. And
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: if you're not happy with that part of history that
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: you contributed to, then the onus is on you not
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: to be mad at me that I wrote about it,
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: but to change it for yourself, you know, so it
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: doesn't repeat itself. Man. And what you're saying, I think
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: you know, so many of us now are speaking to
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: the idea of like healing and sstral trauma healing and
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: a generational trauma, and you just said is just that
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: It's like, if I'm not going to be bound by secrets,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I also refuse to be a secret keeper for others
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: because that weighs just as heavy as your own, you know,
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: like we all have to come into a space where
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: our value system mirrors our behavior and the moments that
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: that's not true, we still have to just own where
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: we were in that time. But family that the concept
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: of family secrets or the concepts of veiling or concealing
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: ourselves in any way, I think it will keep us
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: so stuck um and especially within our family dynamic. It's like,
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: let's be free. If someone is upset at you for
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: telling the truth, they're upset at themselves for the way
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: that it has not been processed through them yet, and
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: that is not my responsibility at all. And it also
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: goes back to that performative thing, right, because it's like
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: people want to only be seen in the in the
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: best light, and it's just like, yes, if you do
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: best light things, you will be seen in the light.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: And at the point to which you do non best
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: like things but want to be it's like, fam you
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: can't have it those ways, you know. It's like or
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: check your light, you know, check your light? Like what is?
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: What is? Why do you want the result but not
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: the process? And also what is? And but like you
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: said earlier on, we have more information in this generation
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: than the previous generation ever had, So it's almost like
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: I'm not even asking you to go back and change
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: your light. You can't. You don't even know that the
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: light needs to be adjusted or fixed. This is just
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: who you have created yourself to be and maybe there's changed,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: maybe there's not. But at the same time, I have
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: to honor that I know more in this season for myself,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: and I can reflect on all the situations. I can
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: give you great two things can be true. I can
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: give you grace, but I can also be honest. Yeah
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: yeah yeah, And let the grace suffice, let the grace slift.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be the one doing the holding.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I love that, you know, when you were speaking to
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: your childhood, um, something I've resonated with quite a bit.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: And that we I mean, we we have our deep,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: deep dive all day talks, Um. I love them. When
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: I tell you, I when Devin and I can link
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: our schedule, my God, and it's like just come over.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: We can beat by the pool with order lunch and
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: we'll just kiki. It's like we be in the pool
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: for like ten hours and we come out like having
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: solved all the problems of the universe, like the world
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: what who can love most us? But I just I
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: feel so full. I Mean there are times where we've
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: cried and it's just like man, what just happened? But
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: it was like a veil got lifted, or it's you know,
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: what it is. It's that ability to be seen and
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: be allowed to be seen, because sometimes being seen is hard.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: It's like my friend just saw me, but she's not
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: even my friend just saw me, but which was a
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: new thing for me because I was so covered and
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: so hidden because I'm like, well, no one can see
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: me because the me that I've always been wasn't necessarily accepted.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: So like we're just gonna keep her under wraps. So yeah,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: we're just gonna make sure she don't come out. Really,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: but it's to me that I wanted to be but
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: I didn't know how to double dutch and navigate in
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: those waters because and now I'm just at the point like,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: well if they leave, they whenever your Jobeyah, it's cool.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Like now I'm like, you're going to see the fullness
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: of me, and me is dope. But if me, in
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: my totality rubs you the wrong way, I don't have
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: to take on that projection, right, go be with God. Yeah,
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: And I think that's the piece that feels so free
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: so often when we when we come into that just
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: that deep knowing of self and like what we are
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: available for and what we're not available for. It's like Okay,
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I see that we are moving different. We don't have
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: to have beef about it. But I also don't have
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: to receive all of your projections. I have choice in
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: this too. And I think for so long, the way
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: that relationships and friendships were mirrored to us in society,
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: it was just like, First of all, I have major
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: problems with the word loyalty. I think it's it's a
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: word that doesn't Actually I've looked it up extensively and
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: in other languages, because that's how my brain works. Um,
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, I don't understand something, let me do
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: my research and create some calculation. Um. But there's no
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: real clear definition for loyalty. The definition in the dictionary
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: is an affinity. For so that means I like something
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: right like I maybe a little more than like it something.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: But we have this idea of that word and what
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: it's supposed to represent, and very often that word is
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: a tool that we weaponize against ourselves to really hide
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: our codependency, or to hide our wounds, or to hide
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: our fear, you know. And so we can stay trapped
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: in the cells of relationships and the cells of friendships,
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: even within our own family systems, because of this word
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: that has been used as a tool of gas lighting.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: For I remember even sometimes I'd be at whatever company
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: I was working for at the time, at a job right, Like,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: we're a family here, what does that even mean? First
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: of all, we all come from different family structures, so
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: for each person, their understanding of that word is different.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: Most family structures, by nature, as it was designed by God,
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: are dysfunctional because they are meant to be your mirrors.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: And also we just work together and we all are
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: getting to check and we could be let go at
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: any given time. I've never bought into that collective loyalty.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: It always seemed like a tool of manipulation, um, And
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: I think that's what we do in friendships sometimes, especially
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: with groups of people, especially with people we've known for
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: a long time, this idea that we can't choose ourselves
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: because we're being loyal or because how that person will
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: receive it, you know. And it feels like this moment
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: in time, we're able to start being a little choosy,
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: We're able to start making different choices and really saying,
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: if my time is precious, if life is actually limited,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: there is a beginning in an end to it. Here
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: on Earth, How do I want it best to use
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: my time? And with whom and with whom? And I think, oh,
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: you said so many dope things in that. I was like,
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: I'm listening. I'm like this is dead talk. Um. But
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: you know, I think one therapy is so essential and
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: that's just like a period. Um. But I found myself
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: as I got to know more about myself, um, Bishop Jakes,
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: and I I forever mentioned this sermon because I was like,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: it's the thing that actually changed my life. It was
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: a message called I didn't know I was me And
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: you said something earlier where you're like, you know, we
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: need to give ourselves grace for getting to a place
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: and feeling like I should know this by now, and
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: it's like when were you going to learn it? When? When?
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: When did you give yourself? I recognized like I had
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: a moment where I was like, man, I haven't dated,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: you know, my dating period has been shortened. It was like,
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: huh why? And it was like you went to college,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: you went to Liberia, you know, you moved to New
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: York and you were focused on that. Then you moved
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: to l A and you were like, I gotta make it.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: You just popped five years ago, you know what I mean, Like,
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: and my my whole steeds was like I need to
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: make sure that my work life is right before my
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: love life is right. So it's like when I think
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: about my dating, just like, yeah, well went on went
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: on this path where you gonna have all these experiences,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: right like some some grades hold that thought. We are
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: coming right back. That's such an amazing example Levon of
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: how we're always willing to find room to judge ourselves,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: like we don't. We'll talk ourselves out of finding room
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: to love on ourselves. We'll talk ourselves out of finding
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: time for self care like oh no, I'm too busy,
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: Oh no, I gotta put this person first. But we
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: find all the damn time in the world, in every second,
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: in every moment, to come into some kind of judgment
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: about us, and it's not the right judgment. And it's
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: also like why the boys that talks to you about
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: you got be so negative? Why do why? Why can't
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: it be like don and I'm changing that I've changed, um,
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: and so as I got to know me more and
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: like me more. Um hell yeah, uh there was awakening right.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: So it's funny I have I have a friend h
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: d are beautiful. So I was like, y'all too, would
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: would just get along? So well, she's witty, funny and
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: just into that and lovely human being. And I remember
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: kind of doing this like I wasn't. This is a
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: space where I was like doing like recon I'm like
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: who I was. It was just really weird and she
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: basically let me know, um because I was just like, hey,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: just out of curiosity, what is what is the thing
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: that like you like about me? Because because it was,
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: it was that's so powerful, though, that's amazing, keep going,
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: keep going. But it was it was it was that thing.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: But but on the end of the spectrum, that's not fruitful.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: It was it was me slipping back to like middle
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: school me of like, what do you like about me?
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: Something you know like or just like let me know
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: so I can make sure, like let me pull from
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: everyone in my life that I like and that likes
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: me back so that I can create the conglomerate of
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: the perfect Evin right, it was perfection. It was like
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: if you say you like my smile, I will always smile. Okay.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: If you say you're okay funny show time, you know,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: if you say you like my styles. Okay, I wrung her.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: I gotta always dress nice, you know. It was it
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: was the thing of like let me, let me lego
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: mania this person um and she was just like so
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: she threw me for a loop because she was just like,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: what I love most about you, it's your energy. I
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: was like, this is not helping, like tangible give me energy.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Everyone has energy, Like in my mind, I was like,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: this is the dumbest answer, like everyone has energy, bam.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: And she was like, no, have you met everyone? She
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: was like, girl, you have. She was like, you have it,
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: and she's like I remember when I first met you
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: and you came up to me and you I was
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: like I had to remind myself if I've ever met
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: you before because you were just so like easy and
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: you were like hi. And then I was like, I
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: probably give you a compliment about your here because it's amazing.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: She was like you did, and but it was just
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: like who is she? What does she want? Well? I
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: don't know, but I like it. And she was like
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: we met another time and it was consistent the same energy,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: and it was just kind of like, well, this can't
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: be fake because this is just kind of who she
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: is and she was like, that has been the most
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: consistent thing, and I just I remember leaving the conversation
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: like this is not tangible, this is trash. This answer
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: is stupid, like you know, because I couldn't receive it,
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: because I was still on the fact finding mission of like,
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: tell me the thing about me that's so special so
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: I can replicate it um. But telling me energy, I'm like,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: that's like telling me there's neutrons and atoms and atomic particles,
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: Like what does that mean? And so I remember putting
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: that away for a little bit. I remember putting that
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: away for a little bit, like this doesn't make any sense.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: And then I went to another party of a very
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: dear friend of mine and she had you know, she's
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: her friends are like mega celebrities and dad da da da,
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: and I'm you know, I'm still like new to this,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: but like I love her so much and I'll never
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: forget when when I met her, she was like, who
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: are you? And why do people like you? Because I'm
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: really like a lot of people. I was like, well,
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: what kind of what kind of energy just to put
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: out in the world, you know what I mean? She
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: was very like, I don't really like a lot of people,
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, I'm a I wanna show
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: because we were in the so house and people like,
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I love your show. And she was like,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: I don't watch TV, so what what show? Okay, I
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: don't care. I only watched the show if you were
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: in the end me. And I was like, well that
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: is and she literally has never watched the show. And
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: when I got the Emmy nomination, I was like, you're
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: gonna watch it that. She's like, you still haven't one.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, keep me home. She is but it
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: sounds rough, but he is literally the best human being
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: you will ever ever meet. And I wasn't. What's funny
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: is like I wasn't afraid of this editor, you know
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: what I mean? Like I met her and I was like,
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: I actually like the purity of her being her son,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: her being her absolute stuff. And it's like you can
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: either take it or leave it. And I was like
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: and it wasn't even like challenge accepted. It was just like, Wow,
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: you are so confident in how you show up that
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: the onus is not on you to change. It's on
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: me to decide if I want to be part of
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: your right what I'm like, this is new to rain,
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: you know, because I was so used to like making
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: sure I create an atmosphere where everyone feels loved and
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: you know whether or not I like them. And it's
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: kind of like the performance piece of just like you
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: know she's hurting you know, somebody hurt her in her life.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: It's okay, taddy issues or whatever it is. Let me
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: make sure that like around me, I'm a beacon of
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: hope as opposed to be like, yes, two things to
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: be true. People hurt you, but now you're hurting other people.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: So stop this. This is trash. Like let's let's let's
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: heal so that you don't have to walk in the
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: world wounded and cause havoc everywhere, you you know. But
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: it's like, in a way, was like betting over backwards
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: for other people who weren't showing up fully as themselves,
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: just to make sure that like an atmosphere of hope
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: and love and peace was set. And it was like
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: I'm walking on exhow and this is exhausting. I really
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: just don't be like shut the heck up, Sam, like
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: your energy is whack, Like that's like that's what I
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: want to say, or just like I don't want to
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: be around you because you were draining, but I don't
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: say that, whereas this particular friend was just very comfortable
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: being like, clearly, I don't like you for anything that
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: you do. I like, I liked how you showed up
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: in the world, So let's figure this out if we're
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: gonna be friends or not. And we have been friends
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: heavy for the last what for some years. I'll never forget.
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: It was like season one and I wanted to bring
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: my parents that like, like now, season one, I just
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: paid up all my debts like a Lanister Game of thronesence.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: I just paid. I was like, I gotta just so.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: By season two, I was poor again, Like I was like, day,
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: I have a whole HPO show. Folks know my name,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: but the hole is oke. Why did I have to
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: pay for this degree? I'm not even using it? Like
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: it was, I was back to zero. I'll never forget.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: Like we were about to shoot the first episode of
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: season two and I didn't get my nails done, and
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I was like, I called the director. I was like,
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you're gonna want to get a close
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: up on my nails, but yeah, I don't don't do that.
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: She was like, why so she like zelled me, she
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: sells me money. Like the director was like, because we
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: had we were shooting, and how how it works like
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: until the episode is done, like then you get paid
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: for the episode. So I knew money was coming, but
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: I was like, yo, I'm fami prep And so I
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: told my friend, like, you know, I want to bring
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: my parents here and she was like and I was like,
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: oh man, I gotta get a couple of hotel rooms
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: in Hollywood. And she's like, you don't have enough money
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: for hotels in Hollywood. And I was like, you're not wrong,
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: and she said, I'm going away for the weekend your
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: parents and say in my house. And it was just
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: like you them, or like you don't you don't even
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: know me, like never read like the generosity of her
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: heart to one be like relax your life. You're gonna
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: be in a better place, but I'm not gonna let
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: you fall to the wayside because you're trying to do
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: this nice thing. I'm gonna make sure the nice things
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: that happens, but not at the detriment of you know,
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: your pockets. And it was just like that's the same
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: hard show exists in this soft, beautiful vessel, and I
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: was just like, I love you so much because in
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: that moment, there was no judgment, there was no light
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: you should be pop because you know what, it's l
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: a people. People move very differently out here, and there
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: was no judgment. There was no like you should be
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: at a better place by now. It was like, Yo,
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: you want to do this thing. I have the ability
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: to help. I got you, and I'm gonna I'm gonna
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: tell you, m M, I'm gonna tell you about you
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: so you don't do something stupid or you don't do
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: something reckless, which is like go broke, go more broke,
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: trying to like come through in this way that you
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: want to show up for your parents, but this is
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: not the season for that. And I just was like, yeah,
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: I appreciate. I appreciate the heck out of you. And
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: it taught me in that moment it was like, Yo, friendship,
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: it's not only sacrifices, but it's truth giving, you know,
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: And I had to be at a place to receive.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: There's there's a version of ego that could be like
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: dang like she did she called me broke? Like did
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: she she? But you know, and an ego that couldn't
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: receive that, but I was like, no, I see your
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: care for me, and I thank you because I can.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: I know now you will always be honest with me.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: That's the one thing. And and I can also challenge
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: your honestly because there's there are the times where I
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: was like I'm balling down and she's like get out
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: of the store right now, please get out of the store.
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: I was like, nah, I'm gonna do it. And then
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: it's just like all right, yeah, okay. So it's like
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: as I became more of me, it wasn't just like
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna let you tell me what to do
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: because I don't know who I am. It's in this moment,
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: I'm a conceived because that's that that's wisdom. And in
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: another moment it's like nah, man, but I know me,
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: like I know me, Like this is okay. And that's
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: beautiful too because you evolved. That was a long winded story,
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: but now so beautiful because you you illustrated so perfectly
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: the power of self sovereignty. And I think that's the piece,
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: Like like I'm very I'm self sovereign, right, I have
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: full ownership of self, and I I look for that
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: in my friendships like those are the friendships that are
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: really like my deepest friendships that go the length of time,
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: and we meet people at different legs of our own journeys.
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: So sometimes the friendships that we have that were maybe
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: rooted in codependency can evolve as we evolve, and then
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: we can also have a friendship as we're both in
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: our sovereignty, you know, And sometimes it doesn't happen, and
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: then you make other choices. But what I'm hearing and
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: what you share it is one you have a friend
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: that no exactly who she is and that shows up
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: in the world that way, which is so powerful, and
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: in doing that, it gives you freedom to be your
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: most authentic self in the friendship because it is it's exhausting.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: That performance is exhausting. It is, and I'll never forget
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: because I kind of was like I wasn't intimidated by her,
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: but it was it was this thing of like, man,
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: I admire you talk about people being reflections. I would
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: always admire people who we're stronger in their sense of self. Then,
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: because I didn't know love it how to do that?
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: That is a friendship turn on. I'd be like, oh yeah,
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: and it left me feeling like you what do I
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: have to offer? It let me feel like, well, then
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: what's my place? Like what do I because you show
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: up so so boldly, like why you like me? You
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? Because I'm still trying to figure
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: out my boldness. I'm still trying to figure out that
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: and I'll never again. We she had like a party
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: and she invited all of us and she went around
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: it was like like maybe five of us and she
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: was just like, yeah, you know, you're my friend that
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: I call when it's time to turn up. You're my
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: friends that I call when it's time to go shopping,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: or you're my friend and that. And then she got
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: to me and she was like, and you're my friend
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: and I called when I didn't encouragement and I was
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: just like wait what, Like it's surprised me because I'm like, yo,
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: you have like these are the chicks aren't encouraging you?
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: Like it's like and not to say that they're not,
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: but it was just like, yo, that's what you look
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: to me for because for me, I'm like, yeah, I
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: would give your encouragement off. Ripped like if you're a
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: homeless person, like your day's gonna better, I promise you,
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: like you know, like whatever it is, like I just
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: got encouragement for the masses, like it loses out of me.
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: So I wasn't looking at it as like a superpower.
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: I just was like, Yeah, this is just it's what
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna give you, and that that this thing because
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: I didn't know who I was. I was tricking off
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: a lot of the things that made me so dagon
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: special because they came so naturally. And so when she
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: said that, she was like, yeah, who was I'm gonna
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: call that I want to pray for me or who
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: was I'm gonna call that like wants the best for
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: me in this way. And I was just like, that's
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: my value to you, because I'm like, wow, I I
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: didn't realize how valuable that was. Again, going back to
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: the other friend who was like, it's your energy, I'm
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: like energy. I didn't know how valuable that was. And
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: now so I got one person saying that's my energy,
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: I got another person saying it's my encouragement. And I
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: was like, I didn't think you needed encouragement because you
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: walk so boldly. So it's almost kind of like I
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: just thought I was reinforcing the things that you already were.
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: But I didn't I didn't know how that was depositing
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: in you, um and so. And that's why we just
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: have to think about how we're showing up and take
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: out of our minds fully how we're being received or
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: how we're being perceived. Because what I'm hearing in that
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: is like, it's the beauty of when you are in
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: your most authentic essence. You know, when you're in purpose,
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: when you're on purpose, your natural gifts are the most
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: powerful gifts you possess, and you don't have to think
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: about them because they just come so innately. Like yeah,
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: but that's the thing, the path of ease, right, like
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: life is actually meant to be on that path of
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: ease and grace. What comes easy is your inherent natural
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: highest self. Say that again, please, what comes easy? What
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: comes easy? She does this to me all the time.
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: I just have to say, if we're on FaceTime, She'll
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: be okay, hold on say that because I've been thinking
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: knows that'd be like ya, well, I'm gonna run this
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: back and like easy, go ahead and say it again. Okay,
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: let me try to remember, but what you know, what
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: what comes what comes easy and natural. And here's the thing.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: We have been trained by society since it conception of humanity.
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: We have been trained to think and operate under the
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: mis aligned belief that love has to be earned, that
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: things have to be learned, that goodness has to be earned,
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: that attention has to be learned, that we are not
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: worthy just because we are because of that, all of
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: that conditioning that is in the fibers of ourselves, but
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: also in all the programming we see around that leads
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: us to think that our most natural, inherent ease filled gifts,
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: the peace of our essence that makes us us. It
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: leads us to believe that that's not enough because we
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: didn't have to earn it, we didn't have to fight
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: for it, we didn't have to study for it. But
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: when we're in that flow, that's when we're in God.
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: You know that, when we're in that beautiful space within ourselves,
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: in the ease. I like to say the way that
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: I experienced it is, I say, I'm maximizing the energetic
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: potential of each moment. Get out of here. I'm like,
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: this is the end of the I'm maximizing the energetic
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: who you know what I'm not. I know I wrote
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: a book, but I don't read it because I'm not
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: doing this. I'm maximizing the energetic. I just saw two
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: coppertone batteries come together. I was like, what is she?
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: What is she saying? But truly, it's like all we
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: have to do is show up as ourselves. Ourselves is
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: the roadmap for others, it's the roadmap for us. Sometimes
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: people see ourselves before we see ourselves, and sometimes that's
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: great to help us on the journey to see that's
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: the process. And then sometimes they trick that off because
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: there is a version where people can see you before
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: you see you and then take advantage of that of
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: you not knowing who you are. But that comes into
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: self sovereignty to right, and that's part of the learning
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: and it First of all, can I preface this by saying,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: it sucks like it's like being betrayed by anyone, being used,
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: being manipulated, being slit um, being undervalued by anyone. It sucks.
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: It's an awful, disgusting feeling. Um, But that feeling is
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: meant as a tool. We feel that feeling. Sometimes it
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: it inhibits us as like a shame um or you know,
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: a desire to conceal um disappointment. It feeds into the
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: limiting false beliefs we've told ourselves. The reason it feels
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: that bad is that depth of feeling is supposed to
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: be our catalyst to changing course, to being more ourselves.
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: So when we experience that from people, and I know
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: that sometimes when like these phrases are said, like oh,
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: but it was a gift, or find the lesson I
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: used to despise that, I'd be like, if you don't
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: shut up right now, what do you mean by that?
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: Like it used to drive me. I have a very
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: specific and clear moral compass, like I am led by
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: my values, and so as a young person, younger person
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: in this moment, whenever I'd experienced people that don't operate
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: on that, it would fill me with anger, with disappointment,
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: with so many things like just be who you say
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: you are. But then you find the grace and then
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: you find the compassion, because most people have the whole
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: point of being alive is to find ourselves. We all
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: come out of the womb knowing who we are, and
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: then we forget. And that's part of this divine flow
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: of what God wanted, you know, I believe that I
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: share this quite often, but it's something that really means
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: a lot to me, and it's it's foundational for my faith.
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: God exists inside each of us in every moment, and
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: the reason we're here as human beings, I believe, is
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: because God wanted to experience itself and so it created
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: this opportunity for us to have lessons, for us to
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: have flow, for us to have all of the things
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: to come into the deeper awareness of God. So if
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: that is true, right, if I'm using that as my
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: compass and my standard, then everything someone has for me
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: is a gift because it's leading me to more of me.
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: It was leading me closer to God. And those people, yeah,
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: those people that that are just like you know, sometimes
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: it's felt is really awful. Like sometimes the way we
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: feel it in a moment is like, oh, wow, you
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: are you are the juice of the trash because you
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: are because it's like you, you hope to believe more,
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: Like I I um entering entering the season in terms
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: of like the more I've found out about me and
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: what made me special and how I cured more about myself,
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: you know, like didn't trick off the energy or the
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: things that like innately were easy. Um, I realized like
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: it's like I gotta awakened two things around me, right,
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: I gotta awakened. And it was just like m hm.
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: I found myself in a place where I was just
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: like mm hmmm, how do you tell someone like you
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: haven't changed but I have? And the me that I
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: am becoming more aware of and the you that you've
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: always been might not rock m h and and and
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: it's and it's and it's not me saying because I
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: would never be like you have to change because I can't.
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: I can't say that, but I'm recognizing that in the
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: totality of who I am, who you are. And it's
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: so crazy because I'm like I'm hearing East and Molly
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: at the end of like episode nine as this like
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: life instating art and I was like, I remember when
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: I did that scene, and I was like who says this?
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: Like I remember, like I have never I've never had
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: this conversation, and then cut too like months later, was
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: like yo, fam like is Molly people up? Like this
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: is some trash or is she I got this difficult
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: combo with a friend. Let me pull that script out,
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: Like what did I say? And also the writer the
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: writers are like, you know, five months into my actual
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: real life, like but it was because I remember Molly
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: saying like maybe who you are and who I am
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: just don't fit but it but I was just like
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: that's wild, Like what does that even mean? And then
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: I had my own awakening thing of just like yo,
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: as I recognize more about the things in me that
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: I need to harness and also protect, I recognize the
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: thing that makes you you, it's not in alignment with
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: the me that I've kind of always been but kind
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: of suppressed. So I don't know how to navigate that.
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: Like it's like it's like I don't it's wild, but
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: it's growth for me. I'm just like, yo, I have
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: to honor that though, because to your point in terms
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: of like when you talk about like loyalty, it's just
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: like there's a point that's like you know, like is
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: it this is how they always showed up and I
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: was just blind to it or you know, I mean
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: like and and it's not my place to be like
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: how you've always showed up. It needs to be changed
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: or it's just like I'm just I'm shifting, I'm just
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: in a new I'm I always say I'm on a
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: new level because it's not like we're on a different
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: levels episode. I'm just on a new level for me
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: for from my old level UM emotional level, to be honest.
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: And it's it's it's interesting navigating these waters because, uh,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: the more I guess, the more evidence you gather about
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: people you moved with or and it's just like, oh,
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: like were they always for me? And when you have
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: to when you ask questions or like when did there
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: for me shift? And that's because you're just like and
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: why m hmm, yeah, and you don't have the answers. Way,
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: is there is there space for us to come into
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: knowing that them shifting from us or UM or us
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: shifting from them isn't about either of us. Unpack that. So,
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: like you know, I think and and and I say
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: this just like with a little peak, and this is
• 55:30
  Speaker 1: this is a therapy session right now, in therapy session. No,
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: I think I think we're all discovering this right because
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: like we are coming into new territory. UM. A lot
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: of us have grown tremendously in really new ways, especially
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: coming out of a global pandemic, and like that's something
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: I'm evaluating constantly, Like I have kind of kind of
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: formally but with love ended some significant relationships in my life. Um,
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: and when I think, when I think, especially around like
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: two instances of relationships and friendships that will not be
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: moving forward with me. You know, what I realized was like,
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: were there some behaviors that directly affected me? That I
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: was like, Yo, hold up absolutely, But the deeper layer
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: of that, I think we can always climb dive into
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: a feeling and then take it down a few places
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: and see, like what the root of it is. The
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: root of of their behavior towards me is one million
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: percent about themselves. It's one million percent about how they
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: feel about themselves. And in that moment it manifested as
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: a projection that did directly affect me and offend me
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: in some ways. But the deeper truth of it is, oh,
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: this isn't even mine, Like, this has nothing to do
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: with me. This is your internal war with you, and
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to make the conscious choice to not
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: be a part of it. That's not how I'd like
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: to constructively use my time, but I'll leave you to
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: your process. But now I am off limits for you,
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: and that's that's me being in choice for me, you know.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: But I felt that for me as I as I
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: kind of explore those scenarios, it's it frees me from
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: having to have any expectation or ownership. In one of
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: the scenarios, I said, you know, listen, I don't I
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: don't want to actively be a part of your life anymore.
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: And I don't want you to feel that you have
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: to actively be a part of mine. And that's okay.
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: And I appreciate what this was and and even in
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: what can be perceived as the worst of it, there
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: there are gifts in it, and there's a gratitude for
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: what it brought. But I think I think we're complete.
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: We're complete right now, you know. And and that person
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: may not take it as as I'm saying. I was like,
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: I was like that also, but I don't need the
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: playbill on that one. I was like, what is this correct?
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: Can I get that in uh? What final draft form? Pleast?
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: I can write this grip because you know, it's always
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: so dope about you to me, Um, there's many things,
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: there's many things that are so incredible about you, but
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: one of them is like you really have this this
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: natural flow of God that comes into you, like you
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: really have this freaking oven, this light that radiates from you.
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: But it's your grace, Like your grace for people is
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: like just gorgeous to behold. I want to share an
• 58:31
  Speaker 1: example of something. Um, I don't even think we've unpacked
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: this together, but you know we so I think we've
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: established this. Like you and I are very close, and
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of things in my life that you know,
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of things that I know about your life,
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: and um, you know, you had your birthday and this year,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: though I have been plowing through it with a tremendous
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: amount of grace and ease, it's been the most challenging
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: year of my entire human existence. Um, this past year,
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: and you know, I was in a place where I
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: was I was walking and moving through so many things
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: in my own life and also being a mom of
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: a toddler. But then my day to day life is
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: holding space for the collective. So that's a lot of
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: emotional output for me on a day to day basis,
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: Like it may for some look like oh you got
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: a podcast or oh you're doing a live like I
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: am trying to hold hearts, you know, and I know
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: that's my calling, but it it's a lot. And so
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: your birthday came up, and I mean, your birthday is
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: plugged into my calendar off top, and so it was
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: always like in my purview. And but you and I
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: are very like tender with each other, so we are
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: like we love to like have special moments for each other.
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: So we'll send each other gifts for no reason, cards
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: for no reason, flowers for no reason. Like I love
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: this for us. It's like one of my favorite things.
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: She gave me the most plush not even plush look
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: like and and the things I have to remind myself,
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: use your nice things, use your nice thing. She gave
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 1: me this role I love a row moment. She gave
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: me this role sexy road that I said, I think
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna need a husband for this. And I said, no,
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: you're gonna call him in wearing this, okay, Like it's
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: just it was so and I was and it was
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: like on a Tuesday, like it was no, it was
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: not a birthday, it was not especially event. It was
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: like I saw this and I thought about you, and
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: I said, I won't marry you if you're really you
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: don't say I was like, don't get to my spirit.
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: It's my soul. Damn it, girl, you just have this
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: baby quest about that have a sister. Oh my god,
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: it's about to be a Mecana conception out here. But
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: now it was it was just you. You wanted my garden,
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: and and it was one of those like I'm just
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: thinking about you, because I'm like, I'll be just thinking
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: about people all the time, but like, who thinks about me?
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: You know, it's hard on Let's not make this about me,
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: because I want to talk about the way that you
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: water my garden. So it was your birthday, and I
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: wasn't able to do probably what my heart would have
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: really wanted, which is like, oh let me let me
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: find something so delicious and thoughtful and send it to her.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: She's gonna love it. It was just a really crazy
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: week and I was I was emotionally just so in
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: the thick of my process that week. I was having
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: a really really challenging week. You know some of those
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 1: weeks nothing goes right. Not getting enough sleep, my kid
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: is teething, he's customed me out and baby like it's
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: too much. Um. And you know, I remember I hit you,
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: I hit you early. I hit you at like five
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 1: am on your birthday. You didn't see it till like
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: a couple days later, but I'm like, happy birthday? Did
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: I posted on Instagram? And I was like, oh, you know,
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: I was happy it was your birthday, but we hadn't
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: talked and it was a global pandemic. And you face
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: timed me the next day, and at first I remember
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: feeling like, oh my god, like I wonder if she's disappointed,
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: if she noticed that I didn't get like I didn't
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: do something like not that you would, but it's just
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: some relationships are that layer of special, right, Like I
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be like that with everybody, but that is how
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 1: we that's our love language together, right. So that occurred
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 1: to me, and you face time me and you were
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: like hey girl, and I was like, hey, happy birthday
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: and did you get my text? And you were like
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: how are you? And I literally just started crying and
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: I was just like, I was like, Ivan, I'm exhausted,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: I'm so tired, and I just and you just started
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: praying over me and I was just crying and I
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: was just like and You're like, so, what's going on?
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: And I was like, honestly, I'm just tired, Like my
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: soul is really tired this week, and I can't shake it.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: So I'm just giving myself that space to feel this way.
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: And you just started praying over me, and you just
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 1: prayed and and filled me with light and it felt
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: so beautiful. And then we get off the phone and
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, thank you so much, girl, And I
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: go upstairs and I like, you know, I get into
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: my prayer and ritual routine, and you text me and
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: you were like, come outside in fifteen minutes. Well I
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: was like what. It's also global pandemic, right, so we
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: hadn't seen each other, and I'm like, you know, I
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: think at that point they're like, don't go near your people,
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: and so I'm like okay. And so in my mind,
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you know what I Betty Von did,
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 1: Like she probably sent me like a delicious dinner or
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: something like like she probably like, okay, there's something yummy
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 1: coming to the door. This is so sweet. So I
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: run downstairs and I buzzed open the door and you
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: come walking up and you have your mask on and
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: you stay like kind of far from me, but it
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 1: was like like you were standing on my grass and
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: you're like you're loved, and you had like this arm
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: filled with flowers. It's eleven pm at night. I don't
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: know if I said that. It's eleven pm. You have
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: an armful of flowers in one hand, and in your
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: other hand you had cakes and pastries and you had
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: put together it's really gonna make me cry. You have
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: put together this bouquet for me of your birthday flowers,
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: like you had picked out some of the bouquets that
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: other people have gotten you, and you created a bouquet
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 1: for me. And then you sliced up the tasty treats
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: and your birthday cake and you put it on a
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: plate for me, and you brought it to me at
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: eleven o'clock at night, just to hug me and to
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: bring me joy. Like that moment was so many things.
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: That moment was so many things for me, like the
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: grace you gave me, but also the way you filled me,
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: Like there were there were multiple ways that your radiant
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: showed up for me that day. One it was like
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: a call where I should be celebrating you, but you
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: energetically sent something and you gave me grace. It wasn't
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: like so where were you yesterday girl, or you know,
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: it's like you also knew all that I was holding,
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: you know, and so you you didn't take it personally
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: that maybe I couldn't be as exuberant as we typically are.
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 1: And then you went out of your way to like
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: do this, get in your vehicle, come to me, hug me,
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: and just hold space for me with no expectation, you know,
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: and just fill me and the grace of Jess allowing
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: me to be in my process and to still be
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: my friend and to still show up for me, you know,
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: like even and not that I did right, but my
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: mind was saying, like, oh, I disappointed my friend on
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 1: her birthday and you were just like yeah, my birthday,
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: Like I'll have more but outside of this day, Like
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: I know you love me, I know how you feel
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: about me, and I can hear in your voice that
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: this don't got nothing to do with me, And how
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: can I give you some of this overflow of the
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 1: joy I've been receiving. It was one of the most
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 1: breathtaking moments of my friendship life. You know, well, thank
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: you for sharing that um for me. I was like
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: I almost felt like it was a no brainer. I
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: I think what you have to give yourself credit for
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: is that you are able to receive that because that's
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: how I like to show up. That's how I want
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 1: to show up. That's how I energetically. I'm gonna use
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: a Debbie energetically magnetically um desire to function in this
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: world with the people I love. Everybody don't get that
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 1: with the people I love. But sometimes I'm handicapped from
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 1: that because it with you, it's easy because I don't
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: have to think. It's just like, hey, I know these
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 1: aren't like I didn't go to you know, the Fleur
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: petite or whatever to like buy these. I'm like, these
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 1: are flowers that came. But I'm like I have a
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 1: plan for I hope, like I want to bless it
• 1:07:01
  Speaker 1: with these some people like you give me a hand
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: me damp flowers, Like I mean, like you know saying
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: like that, I knew that, Like for those people, I
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 1: can't show up like that because then it's like then
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: I have to perform then and then it becomes not
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: about the desire to share, it to give. But now
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: it's like it has to be perfect. It has to
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: be a thing. It has to be a thing as
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: opposed to just like this is the best I can
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: do for right now, because it is eleven o'clock. I
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: hope it. What is your guarden? Then if it's not enough,
• 1:07:28
  Speaker 1: I come back tomorrow. You're like, like, what but it was?
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: It wasn't enough, and you gave it me space for
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: that to be enough, whereas other people needed to be
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: more than that than just I thought about that enough.
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is one of the grandest, most
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: gorgeous gestures I've ever received in my life in a
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 1: moment that I needed it the most. But I think,
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 1: I think if I can be honest, like the thing
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: that blessed me about um, the thing that blessed me,
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 1: or what I can say is the bamboozlement, right, the
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: bamboozlement of my upbringing is all the things that I'm
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 1: to say the devil, all the things that the devil
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: tried real early to cut me off from Um, which
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: is knowing me, which is me being accepted, which is friendships,
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: all of those things. It was like, if I can
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 1: get her earlier than life, the purpose that God has
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 1: for her like that will never manifest, right. And I
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: think he didn't expect for me to double doubt on
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: it because I know what it's like to be rejected.
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: I now, I'm like, I gotta be as inclusive as
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 1: possible to whomever because you have no idea where people
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 1: are going through. Because I know what it's like to
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: you know, have I had one friend that's stuck closer
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: than a brother. I know what it's like for somebody
• 1:08:57
  Speaker 1: to see you in the midst of other people not
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: seeing you, or or a moment where you want you
• 1:09:03
  Speaker 1: want to so badly be seen. And I'm like, that
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 1: feeling of someone showing up for me, that's what I
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 1: want to replicate in my life and in my relationships.
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: And so in that moment, it was it was almost
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: me feeling like she's too bright and I and my
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: sister's keeper in this moment, and I need to protect
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: her light because it cannot go out because not only
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: does her light shine and light my light, it lights
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: so many others. So uh, it's it's like, hey, how
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: are you fixing this? Like what we gotta do? What
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: we like team huddle, like we gotta get we gotta
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: get Debbie back to being Debbie because there are other
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 1: forces trying to get her to not see that shine
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: and not on my watch, Like that's like if you're
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: my friend, not on my watch, am, Like I have
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 1: a not on my watch, um mentality and movement to
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: me because nah, we're not going out like that. We
• 1:10:11
  Speaker 1: have too much to give and to do and to
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: be and to love and to live. Get out of here,
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 1: stop that. And so it was easy for me to
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 1: give to you, UM. And I think for me where
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 1: I'm recognizing now, like, why is it not easy for
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 1: me to be me with some people? Mm hmm hold
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 1: that thought. We are moving into part two of this episode.
• 1:10:38
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen. This show has been incredible, so UM,
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 1: go ahead and let's move into the next episode. I
• 1:10:47
  Speaker 1: love you everyone. Please share this show UM with anyone
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: you feel called to kind of dive into some deeper
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: friendship with UM or to just explore these themes with
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 1: And if you get a chance, please go ahead and
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: leave me a robust, abundant review on my podcast in
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: the Apple Store. Please give us a rating five stars
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: and reave leave a review if you have the time
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: in the capacity it just takes a little less than
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 1: a minute. I would be super appreciative. So thank you
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: for listening to Part one with Yvonne Orgy and now
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 1: or soon. However this is edited, we'll get to part two. Peace.
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: Hey find me on social Let's connect at Debbie Brown.
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 1: That's Twitter, on Instagram, or go to my website Debbie
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 1: Brown dot com. And if you're listening to the show
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, please please please don't forget to rate, review,
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: and subscribe and send this episode to a friend. Dropping
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: Jams is the production of I Heart Radio and the
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: Black Effect Network. It's produced by Triple and Me Debbie Brown.
• 1:11:56
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• 1:11:59
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• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows.