Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / You're Providing the Wrong Things | What Your Wife Actually Needs | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep449

Transcript

You're Providing the Wrong Things | What Your Wife Actually Needs | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep449 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why your wife feels alone even though you're providing the impact that impacts trust.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Carrying the load, manipulation, boundaries, and covert contracts.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: The emergency poop story.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: The erectile dysfunction.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why your wife feels alone even though you're providing everything.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I love this topic.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: You rich dudes.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to a guy at the airport.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think he overheard Dennis and I talking about marriage, talking about some of the stuff that we do.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And anyways, so actually you started the conversation with Dennis and then I jumped in with him.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it was it was what we see a lot of the times where it's like, I don't get it, man.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I gave her the good life she wants for nothing.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like nothing.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, yeah, like, do you mean monetary?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like the house, the trips, like the purses, and all these exactly, man.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just bought her any lists off the car.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't really matter.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: The whole point is, um, so I just said, Can I ask you a question?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Well, yeah.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, So is that all you're supposed to provide?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he just thought about it for a minute and he's like, Well, that's yeah, that's what we do as men.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: We provide.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Has it ever occurred to you that you know maybe she doesn't feel safe with you?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: She needs like emotional provision, right?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: You guys talk about emotional connection, right?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you want it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, she might say that as an example of why she doesn't want to have sex.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I need to emotionally connect with you, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Did you think that maybe we need to provide that?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or what about when you're frustrated?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: The easiest example of sex when you're not having sex and you get frustrated, or maybe you you just shut down, you ditch on your responsibilities.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're not even providing team or or partnership anymore.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're shutting down.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that looks like watching TV, drinking beer, playing video games, or whatever, going out with your friends, whatever, or maybe it's just sit down and pout and scroll on your fucking phone, that's not providing anything emotionally at all.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you're you're removing emotional safety and security, you're removing uh your uh partnership, right?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so, uh, do you ever think about what about sexual?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: How many of us have done something stupid?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like we talked about it, don't sleep with her when she don't put it in when she's sleeping, you know?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like how many of us have done that, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: How many of us have just sort of forced an act or pushed even with words, convinced her?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, make her feel like she has to guilt or shame her into doing it, right?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's not sexual security.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're not providing there, right?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Spiritually, you know, probably should talk about that one first.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, how many of you guys have lost your way?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many men, countless men, think about I'm going back to church or I'm gonna find the find God now.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it if it was like if you're like stories like mine where you're raised atheists, but on the on the flip side, you think you're supposed to be providing financially.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're all taught that.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But you if you were from the church, you would have heard about spiritual leadership.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I certainly started hearing about it once I started getting involved with the church, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when it started going with Catherine.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's all these other levels of provision that I think rich dudes especially forget.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, recently we talked about, I don't know, some of our recordings didn't take, guys, so I'm gonna just talk about this.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully it wasn't recent.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: But um, we were talking about these clients we had last year that, man, like the whole year, like he just was complaining because he wasn't having sex still.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it and it'd been a while, I understand.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was two or three years, I can't remember, but like the whole year he's complaining, and but like every two days I'm talking to his wife about the temper that he has, the rage that he has.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's not providing safety or security.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So she would say, Well, why would I want to sleep with him?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: What about the women in your program when we think about like I was thinking about one specifically?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um massive provider with tons of money.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Big house, trips, toys.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: They were separated, and she would rather live in her tiny little one-bedroom apartment safe from his rage, his poutiness, than live in this beautiful house and go on these beautiful, all-inclusive, all paid for trips.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: So that's what that's what a lot of women are like.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like you think you and your line is um, well, I provide all this.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, she doesn't care.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it is not that she doesn't care.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: She does care.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: These are things that she would want, but if she doesn't have the foundation of emotional security, emotional safety, all that other stuff is just fluff.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that other stuff, I mean like the house, the cars, the vacations, the toys, all of the shit.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the thing like if you really understand it, like or sorry, if you really don't understand it, you have to know this that women will leave for peace.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know that you love the life that we live.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: But if I was still abusive asshole, at some point I think you just would have been like, fuck this.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And like I she just she makes her own money.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: She's she wouldn't be exactly what we're living like now.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'd have more dogs.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well more?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think we're up to like 12 now or something.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, we rescue animals.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: But but um the thing is that a woman thinks about divorce for five years, and if a woman isn't, can't even be herself.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, if you're using a covert contract, I provide all this, expecting you should get laid, expecting she should just adore you, respect you, and you're disrespectful too.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like what do you think is going to happen?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: She's not gonna like the fact that she can't be herself because every time she expresses what she needs, you're like, Well, this is what I give you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I give you all this shit.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we see this stuff with like the the partnership roles in the home too.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, a man will be like, um, like a stupid ass man on the comments on social media, they'll be like, Well, fuck her, like I fucking mow the law, and you tell her she tell her to fucking wash her own car and shit like that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: They'll they they will and they can.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what do you think?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Women are like Catherine called it sits on the boat the blue job when we started one of our recordings, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the last recording I made, or is this one?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: No, it was the last one.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was the last one.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And and like I get it, we have different roles and so on and so forth.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our but our like our cleaner is gone for a little while.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: She had an awesome opportunity to go to was it World Cup?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was a World Cup.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, she's at the World Cup for seven weeks, our housekeeper that normally is here eight hours a day.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so like because we have 12 dogs, that's how anything we need, guys.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So so immediately a man might would obviously think, okay, well, it's not my role.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I guess the wife's gonna pick it up, you know.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I wash the dishes this is morning, yeah.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, the dishes did themselves.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that, guys.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, kids, did you do did you guys do this?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Or did Duha do it?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, he just saw that obviously we're gonna life is gonna be different for seven weeks, and he just washed the dishes.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, by the way.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're welcome.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, because we this that's providing teamwork, partnership, right?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just because I provide more of the funds uh with my company doesn't mean that I'm not involved and supposed to be in a line with what we have going on.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you guys gotta realize that.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, forget your house cleaner for a second.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just think about real life.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, most of you, even if you're rich, don't have housekeepers and things like that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, if that's the case, like what what are you doing?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you thinking?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, she of course she's gonna feel alone if her job is 24-7, 365, fucking groundhog day, dealing with the emotions that she never expected with the kids, dealing with your emotions that she never expected because you were a man when you met her, and then now all of a sudden you expect that she won't leave for peace to be able to be yourself, to live a good life?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you won't provide the things that a woman needs, well then why would she need to be with you?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you I know you're arguing right now, you feel alone too, because you don't get what you need.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, chicken and fucking egg, man, but you said you wanted to be the leader.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of you does.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But men, like if you're listening, like, isn't it embarrassing if you can't lead?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I do teach my women.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was telling you about this the other day, honey.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I talk to a woman, you guys are gonna get a kick out of this.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: All the men are gonna be cheering, and the women are gonna be a little bit angry at me.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I was talking to a woman, talking about the program and screening her, and I can be really transparent with some women.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can tell if you are soaking up every single thing that I say and you're on the edge of your seat, I know that I can be really real with you.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And this was one of those women.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: So she said that she was like she just she hated when her husband would touch her because it felt inauthentic.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: She could tell that there was no authenticity and it would make her skin crawl.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: She said it has nothing to do with how attractive he is, it just feels inauthentic.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: They said they haven't been having sex in, I think she said weeks and that's been a consistent issue for years.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I said, Well, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: The reason it's authentic is he's already expecting that he's not going to get sex.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: He's putting up a bid for reason why it's inauthentic.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: He feels like he's gonna get, thank you, rejected.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: He feels like he's gonna get nowhere that you know he's it's just gonna be dismissed.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not so he the reason it feels that way is because it is inauthentic.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's going, moving forward, making a move, or putting forth a bidding.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hoping, but expecting.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, So I said, This is cyclical.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: The reason that it feels authentic inauthentic is because you're not having sex with him.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same thing you just said, the chicken and the egg.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I said, You have to be having sex with your husband.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Whoa.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I never thought about it that way.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: It feels inauthentic because he's there trying to make it work, and I'm not there for him when she needs to step it up.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, if you I this isn't for everybody, obviously, if there's sexual trauma and your husband is abusing you, I'm not saying that you need to go jump in bed with your husband.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're still attracted to your husband and you actually want that part of your marriage, get in bed with your husband.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so she I actually ended up talking to her the next day and she joined the program.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: She said, if anybody else would have said that, I would have told them to fuck off, go fuck yourself.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: How dare you tell me that I need to have sex with my husband?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: But she said, Catherine, when you said it, it made sense.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I reflected.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Then she went home to tell her husband, she said, I talked to Catherine.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Catherine says I need to be having sex with you.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, sign up for the program right now.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my program.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my here's my money.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: She did.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: She signed up for the program.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the problem.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And she will be having sex with her husband.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: But so one second.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: So this is something that I talk to women.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if men are providing all this, they're not bitter in the beginning.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: There might be a transactional contract there, a covert contract, but they're not bitter in the beginning.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: They're happy to provide.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: They don't start getting bitter and start, you know, throwing it in your face that they give you everything until you're not showing gratitude for the fact that they have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go to work and bring home a paycheck and be responsible for the mortgage and all these things.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: They're not in the beginning, you might not have sex with them as much, and they're they try to keep it in, they bottle it up, and then they start to get angry.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: So when you're not showing gratitude, when you're not giving him love and affection, he's starving.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: When you're not having sex with him, when you're not edifying him, and everything is complacent, that's when it comes out.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I give you all this, and then you're like, Well, you don't give me emotional security.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you didn't give him the respect that he needs as a man.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Again, the chicken or the egg, whose fault is it?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's both of your fault.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: One of you needs to take 100% responsibility for your portion.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, you're gonna fight about, well, he doesn't give me emotional security.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you didn't give him edification to be able to set the platform for him to give you emotional security and emotional safety.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody has to take responsibility.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Both of you all you you fuck all this shit up all the time because you get wrapped up in all these different things and it's never the real issue.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's never about taking responsibility for yourself, it's always blame, right?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I realize you work hard and you provide everything.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I realize that um, you know, you you think you're doing everything right.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I believe men and women, we're we're told to be in a relationship.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's like what we're we all want it, but we're never actually taught.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're expected to know how.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and so I understand why, especially with provision, that would make sense.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't think there's ever really been proper conversations as you're growing up and learning with a relationship where it's like, well, she's not gonna sleep with you if you just yelled at her the other day.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because in the beginning, what happens?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: You guys have you have makeup sex.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reason why I never talk about makeup sex.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Ever, ever, ever.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And when I have the different types of sex.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't include it.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I include the bad types of sex, I never include makeup sex because too many of you supported this.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's okay that we yelled and it's okay, let's just feel so good, it's passionate.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I never even want to talk, it's it's off the fucking table for discussion because too many people twist it and twist it.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's exactly why today he doesn't understand why he doesn't want to have sex with them when he gets mad.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, just to further, you know, he was still touching her that this husband you're you're using as an example.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: How many of you have shut down completely and don't bother?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the episode where we talk about coasting, you know?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: When you understand this stuff, guys, you can see there is a way out and into the new marriage without divorcing, without uh, you know, fucking grass is greener on the other side.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: The grass is greener on the other side because there's shit on it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And there's shit on your grass too.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's just you don't see it, okay?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Except you're stepping in it, okay?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so it doesn't look as appealing over here, but there's shit everywhere.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you either fertilize and feed and grow, or you don't.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, we'll see you next time.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.