Latest / She Speaks Life - Christian Women, Strengthen Your Faith, Bible Study, Grow Spiritually In Christ / Discover A Christ-Honoring Approach To Conflict With Donna Jones
Transcript
- 0:00Hey there guys. Welcome back to She Speaks Live.
- 0:02I'm so excited you are here listening to this episode.
- 0:06I want to invite you into this year by getting yourself my
- 0:09published journal called Serenity.
- 0:12Calm Your Soul and Strengthen Your Spirit for encouragement
- 0:15and Inspiration For your 2024 is a personalized scripture journal
- 0:21where you write your name within the verse, bringing you a close
- 0:25personal directive to take heed of the truth in your life.
- 0:30It includes 5 topics to choose from, with two weeks of
- 0:34scripture for each one for whatever season you are in, such
- 0:38as contentment, confidence, loneliness, hope, and peace.
- 0:42In addition, there are journal prompts and an activation prayer
- 0:46to release your faith and what you are relying on God to do in
- 0:50and through your life. So go to jamieelizabeth.com and
- 0:54order on my shop page and while you're there, take the fun quiz.
- 0:59You can receive a discount plus free shipping.
- 1:02And as always, it blesses me to hear your feedback, so let me
- 1:07know how it's blessing your quiet time with the Lord, OK?
- 1:11I am so super excited to have author, speaker, and Bible
- 1:15teacher Donna Jones. She wrote a book called Healthy
- 1:19Conflict, Peaceful Life, a Biblical guide for communicating
- 1:24thoughts, Feelings, and opinions with grace, Truth, and 0
- 1:30Regrets. This is such a vital topic to
- 1:35hear as Donna shares about how we can prevent and resolve
- 1:39conflict in a healthy way and do it in a way that's honoring to
- 1:44the Lord. She shares how to navigate
- 1:46conflict by sharing some common mistakes to avoid making
- 1:50conflicts worse and steps on how we can have those hard
- 1:54conversations when conflict arises.
- 1:58You don't want to miss hearing her crucial quality.
- 2:02We need to know on how to have healthy, peaceful communication
- 2:07with others. You guys, it's so good and it's
- 2:10all right here. So let's dive into my
- 2:13conversation with my amazing friend Donna Jones.
- 2:18Hey, Donna, welcome to She Speaks Life.
- 2:20I am so excited you're here today.
- 2:23I am thrilled to be with you. It's such an honor.
- 2:27This message I'm so excited about.
- 2:31I came across it when I saw you on the socials.
- 2:35You have a new book that is coming out called Healthy
- 2:39Conflict, Peaceful Life, A Biblical guide for Communicating
- 2:43Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions with Grace, Truth, and 0
- 2:49Regrets. And I have not come across this
- 2:53message before. I mean, it is just amazing
- 2:57because I mean, let's face it, we all, you know, run into
- 3:01conflicts in our life and we were always running into
- 3:05something in our relationships and we really need to know.
- 3:10This is a valuable book. We really need to know how to
- 3:13better understand whether the root causes of conflicts and
- 3:17effectively communicate to prevent and result conflicts in
- 3:23a healthy way, And I'm so excited that you're going to
- 3:27share this with us. But before we dive in more in
- 3:31that, I would love for you to share what is your favorite
- 3:35scripture verse and why? Well, you know, it's funny that
- 3:38you ask that because I probably have a favorite scripture, a new
- 3:41favorite scripture verse each year.
- 3:45But the worst that comes to my mind is Proverbs 35 and six.
- 3:49Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
- 3:52understanding. In all your ways.
- 3:54Acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight or He will
- 3:58direct your path, some versions say.
- 4:00And I really love that, especially as it relates to this
- 4:04conflict issue and really all of life, is that we're so prone to,
- 4:10to default to our own ways of thinking and relating and doing
- 4:18and without sometimes even knowing it.
- 4:21But, you know, we need to proactively, like, trust in the
- 4:24Lord with all of our heart, which means that's not just a
- 4:29hard thing, it's also an obedience thing.
- 4:32So if God says, you know, relate in this way, even if it's hard
- 4:38or for it's counterintuitive, part of trusting in Him is doing
- 4:43what he says and putting his word into action.
- 4:46So, and I love that when we trust in the Lord with all of
- 4:49our heart, then he'll make our paths straight.
- 4:50He'll, he'll keep directing us, He'll keep guiding us.
- 4:53So that's I just, I love that. Such a great promise.
- 4:57Yeah, that's one of my favorite verses as well.
- 4:59And you know, trust is like it takes time.
- 5:02It takes an experience in your relationship with him to just go
- 5:09through, oh, you know, he was faithful there, he'll be
- 5:12faithful. And this time, therefore, I
- 5:15trust him. I trust that his word says what
- 5:18it's going to do. And so I think that just takes a
- 5:23close relationship with the Lord and an experience with him to
- 5:28really just wholeheartedly say I trust him and not have any
- 5:32anxiety or worry or fear. You know that that's a
- 5:35challenging thing. To not just say it because I
- 5:39know years ago I'd say I'd trust them, but I'd still have those
- 5:43worried feelings, you know? And that's just not fully
- 5:46surrendering yourself to him and his ways.
- 5:50You just go, OK, it's not my job.
- 5:52It's the Holy Spirit's job. So I just love.
- 5:56It's such an important verse. OK, so you are going to be
- 6:00sharing with us the tools, the mindset to navigate conflict
- 6:05constructively so we can have stronger and more peaceful,
- 6:10fulfilling relationships with others.
- 6:12And I think this is so essential and important, I'm really
- 6:16thrilled to hear what you have to say.
- 6:19So before while we start, you know, talking about this book, I
- 6:25have to ask you, why this book? Why are why are you the blessed
- 6:32one? I'm like, oh, poor Ghana, I'm
- 6:35she. She just had a.
- 6:36Life, yeah. She's the blessed one to write
- 6:41this. I don't know but but thank you.
- 6:45Thank you for going through conflict so that you can teach
- 6:48us how to use. Oh, I have something to say
- 6:50about it. Right.
- 6:51Yeah. OK, Well, here's OK.
- 6:52Here's the reality. There's, there's When it comes
- 6:55to conflict, there's three universal truths.
- 6:58We all have it, We all hate it, and we all deepen.
- 7:04Our hearts want to know how to handle it in a healthy way.
- 7:07So we don't hang our head and regret and think, in retrospect,
- 7:11why did I handle it that way, Right.
- 7:15And all of us have done that where we've been in conflict and
- 7:18we look back and we think, why did I do that?
- 7:21Why did I say that? Here's the other thing about
- 7:24conflict is that if I were to ask you, tell me about the best
- 7:30parts of your life, you would smile and probably tell me about
- 7:34a relationship, right? Your spouse, your child, your
- 7:38mom, your friend. But if I were to ask you, tell
- 7:41me about the most difficult parts of your life, you would
- 7:45also tell me about our relationship, probably.
- 7:48Especially, you know, if there's one.
- 7:50That's where there's conflict or just a lack of peace, or
- 7:54something's kind of gone sideways, either in small ways
- 7:58or in big ways. And what ends up happening is
- 8:02when when our relationships aren't right, our life isn't
- 8:06right. So we still function on the
- 8:09outside. We still go to work, make
- 8:12dinner, run to target, call our moms, you know, we still, we
- 8:17still do the stuff. But on the inside we're
- 8:20completely consumed and we're replaying conversations in our
- 8:25mind. You know, we're we're driving
- 8:27down the the road and we're thinking, oh, you know, you
- 8:31know, about what she said, what he said, what we said, what we
- 8:35wish we'd said, you know, and we're just playing it over and
- 8:38over and over again. So what happens is that when
- 8:41there's conflict, unresolved conflict, it not only steals our
- 8:46peace, it also affects the relationship.
- 8:51And then it has bigger implications for our marriage or
- 8:54our family or our workplace or even our, I mean our country.
- 8:59This is 2024. I mean, hello conflict.
- 9:04So it's it's got these really big ramifications.
- 9:08So it it just makes sense that we back up and know, OK, wait,
- 9:12what does God say about the way I should handle it?
- 9:15That's so good. You say in your book that
- 9:18Conflict serves as a platform for personal development.
- 9:23How is that? Yeah.
- 9:24Well, I mean in a number of ways, but the one that just
- 9:27comes to the top of my mind or actually the two ways is that
- 9:31all of us have a primary conflict style.
- 9:34And your listeners right now might be thinking, OK, yeah, I
- 9:37kind of know what mine is. You know, I hate it or no, I
- 9:42kind of, I'm kind of OK with that.
- 9:44You know, I what I like to say is that we all are on this thing
- 9:49called a conflict continuum. So on one side we have the
- 9:54people that are the avoiders and those are the people that are
- 9:58like, OK, I just want peace. I just want it to go away.
- 10:03I don't like it. Let me just run as fast as I
- 10:06can. Then on the other side of that
- 10:08continuum are what I call the attackers.
- 10:11And so those are the people that are like, OK, I'm going to tell
- 10:15you what I think if there isn't a conflict, I'm going to win.
- 10:19And you know, I just go full blown attack mode or, you know,
- 10:25both barrels blazing if I'm upset about something.
- 10:29Neither of those are the biblical model Avoiders or
- 10:33attackers. There's a sweet spot in the
- 10:36middle where Jesus calls us to be addressers.
- 10:42And so as we're navigating conflict, if we navigate it
- 10:47according to how Christ wants us to, what ends up happening is
- 10:53that not only do we have better relationships, but we end up
- 10:57growing personally, spiritually, relationally, and we become more
- 11:03like Christ. Yes.
- 11:04So what would be that God honoring way of handling
- 11:09conflict? Yeah, well, let me let kids.
- 11:11So let me walk you through. There's a whole bunch of God
- 11:13honoring ways to to handle conflict.
- 11:16You know, depending on what the conflict is.
- 11:19Because there's really only three ways to handle a conflict.
- 11:23Number one hand, don't handle it at all, #2 handle it poorly or
- 11:31#3 handle it well. And, you know, obviously none of
- 11:36us, you know, as we're standing in our kitchen with a
- 11:38disgruntled teenager or, you know, we're having this conflict
- 11:42with our spouse or we're in a conflict with a neighbor, none
- 11:47of us would go like, yeah, you know what?
- 11:49I think I'm going to pick #2 and handle this poorly.
- 11:52But what happens is that we accidentally do more often than
- 11:56we care to admit. So one of the things is that
- 12:02it's just being aware of our triggers, being aware of our
- 12:10circumstances, being aware of our expectations.
- 12:14And I'll tell you this funny story that happened to JP.
- 12:17That's my husband and I when we were first married and we had
- 12:23this little nightly routine. We worked really long hours.
- 12:26We would come home from work late at night, and we did the
- 12:30same thing every night. I mean, we were ridiculous.
- 12:33We were. We were so predictable.
- 12:35So we would get our jammies on, sit on the couch, watch about 10
- 12:39minutes of TV, and about 10 minutes in, we'd get up.
- 12:42We'd get ourselves a bowl of vanilla ice cream.
- 12:45This never deviated. So one night, we're in our
- 12:49jammies, we're watching TV. My husband goes into the
- 12:52kitchen. I know exactly what he's doing.
- 12:56So he comes back into the family room with one bowl of vanilla
- 13:01ice cream and I said where's my bowl of vanilla ice cream?
- 13:05And he goes, what do you mean your bowl of vanilla ice cream?
- 13:09OK, I to this day, I don't know if it was low blood sugar.
- 13:14I don't know if I was just exhausted.
- 13:16I don't know if I was Pmsing. I have no idea why a ridiculous
- 13:22bowl of vanilla ice cream made me mad, but it did.
- 13:26I was such an idiot. But, you know, sometimes it's
- 13:29just the stupid little things that set us off.
- 13:34How could you not know? I want a bowl of ice cream?
- 13:36Like, we do this every night. So you know, he's like, well,
- 13:40how would I know unless you told me?
- 13:42So I go stomping into the kitchen and I'm jerking open the
- 13:45freezer door and I'm thinking I would never have gotten him a
- 13:48bowl of ice cream. I mean, I would never have
- 13:50gotten myself a bowl of ice cream without getting him one.
- 13:54Blah, blah, blah blah blah, right?
- 13:56So he says, I'm going to take out the garbage.
- 13:59So it's summer. The kitchen window is open.
- 14:03I see him past the kitchen window as he's taking out the
- 14:05garbage. He comes back, he puts his face
- 14:10right up to the kitchen window screen.
- 14:13He leans in with a big smile on his face.
- 14:16And then he says expectation without communication leads to
- 14:24frustration. And I laughed and I said, did
- 14:28you just make that up? And he goes, Yep, just thought
- 14:31of it. Here's the thing, so many of our
- 14:37conflicts happen because we have unspoken expectations.
- 14:44So we have these expectations with our spouse, with our
- 14:48children, with our Co workers, with our mother or
- 14:52mother-in-law, with our sister. You know, you fill in the blank
- 14:58and we have expectation without communication and then we end up
- 15:03frustrated and we have more conflict than we really need to
- 15:08if we could just get in front of our expectations.
- 15:11So, you know, that's one way to to deal with conflicts even
- 15:16really before they start. So you had mentioned in your
- 15:19book that there's the most single important quality that is
- 15:24necessary for handling conflict in a healthy way.
- 15:28Can you share that and why it's so important?
- 15:30Yeah. Well, interestingly, the single
- 15:35most important quality. And if this is not present,
- 15:40there's actually very little hope that conflict can be
- 15:44resolved in a healthy way. So it's that important.
- 15:47And it's not an action. I mean, it does manifest itself
- 15:50in an action, but it starts with an attitude, and that attitude
- 15:54is humility. And there's a number of reasons
- 15:57this is true. I was a communications major at
- 16:00UCLA and I remember they brought in a renowned, a world renowned
- 16:07expert on conflict. And I was sitting there in the
- 16:11lecture and she stood up and her opening line was at the the root
- 16:18of all conflict is really a power struggle.
- 16:23And I remember thinking, huh, And my I mentally scrolled
- 16:28through some of the conflicts that I'd had in my life, and I
- 16:31was thinking, are those conflicts really not about what
- 16:35I think they're about, but at the root of them?
- 16:37Are they really a power struggle?
- 16:39And then she went on to explain, because a conflict answers the
- 16:44question, or power struggles answer the question who's who
- 16:48gets their way? Whose opinion gets validated or
- 16:53whose feelings get validated? Whose voice gets heard?
- 16:58Who, you know, all of those things.
- 17:00So it's it's really who gets heard, gets their way, gets
- 17:05their opinion, you know, and and so it's who comes out on top,
- 17:09basically. So since at the root of conflict
- 17:13is a power struggle, when you factor in humility, you don't
- 17:18play the power struggle game. So that's why it's kryptonite to
- 17:24power struggles. So humility.
- 17:29I I will say it this way, when you're in a conflict with
- 17:32someone, often times unknowingly, we think of it as
- 17:36you versus me. But humility says it's not you
- 17:41versus me, it's you and me against the problem.
- 17:46And that's a huge mind shift. Huge.
- 17:51And again, kind of going back to something that happened to my
- 17:55husband and I, and again this, this conflict book is not just
- 17:58about marriage, it's about all relationships.
- 18:01But that same first year of marriage, JP and I were having a
- 18:05conflict and it was escalating. And kind of like that old
- 18:09baseball bat game, you know, where you put your hand on the
- 18:12bottom of the baseball bat and the other person puts theirs on
- 18:15top and it goes up, up, up. It said this conflict was
- 18:20escalating. And then JP says to me, Donna,
- 18:24Donna, I'm on your team. And the minute he said that, the
- 18:30conflict completely DE escalated.
- 18:34And what he was basically doing was reminding me, it's not you
- 18:39against me. I'm on your side.
- 18:42It's you and me against this issue that we have.
- 18:46And I think sometimes what happens is that we make the
- 18:49person the problem instead of keeping the problem the problem.
- 18:54So it's our child is not the problem, right?
- 18:58Our husband is not the problem. I mean, people are involved in
- 19:01the problem, but the problem is the problem.
- 19:04So if we can think of you and me against the problem versus me,
- 19:11you know, against you that it's just huge and that takes
- 19:14humility, that that just takes humility.
- 19:16Yeah, yeah, that's so good. I love everything that you said
- 19:20about that because it's true. I've had my husband say the same
- 19:24thing. Hey look, we're on the same team
- 19:26here and it totally shifts the perspective there and it
- 19:30diffuses the fire and you know the rage that's going on.
- 19:35And you know, because we can, we can lose sight as we're in
- 19:40arguments and we feel like everybody's against us and you
- 19:44know, it's just one of the enemy's tactics, right?
- 19:48Get us to divide right and and division.
- 19:51And so you had mentioned in your book there's 10 common mistakes
- 19:56that make or make conflicts worse.
- 20:00Could you name a few of them that you find that are super
- 20:05important to? Know.
- 20:06Yeah. I I yes.
- 20:08And there are. There are 10 And it was so funny
- 20:11as I was writing this chapter. I thought, you know wouldn't it
- 20:13be just so great if somebody would come up with a list of
- 20:18don't do these things in conflict.
- 20:21Yeah. I guess one make things worse
- 20:23not better. Right.
- 20:25I couldn't find a list. So I came up with and and you
- 20:29know, it helps to know like, what do we not do?
- 20:32And some of them are obvious, but some of them are less so.
- 20:37So let me talk about a view of the less so things that we do in
- 20:42conflict sometimes that make things worse, not better.
- 20:46One of them is being dismissive. And so let's say our child, you
- 20:53know, comes at us with a complaint or something about
- 20:58their sibling or about something going on in school or, you know,
- 21:02you know, and they have these messy emotions.
- 21:05When we're dismissive about that, when we say, like, oh, for
- 21:08heaven's sakes, OK, it's not that big of a deal, Just go work
- 21:11it out. You don't mean that you don't
- 21:13feel that way. I don't have time for this right
- 21:15now. Or we try to fix it.
- 21:18Well, what you really should do is, you know, all of that is
- 21:24diminishing their feelings about it, their their desire to
- 21:28communicate with us. We're dismissing them when we
- 21:32dismiss people. And especially this is really
- 21:36easy to do if we're in conflict and somebody has some really
- 21:39negative emotions surrounding how they're communicating.
- 21:42So they're whining or they're, you know, they're, they're
- 21:46crying or they're yelling or they're whatever.
- 21:48It's we just want it to stop right.
- 21:52When we dismiss it, one of two things happens.
- 21:56A conflict escalates or it ends. So because when a person is
- 22:02trying to express themselves, what they're really saying is, I
- 22:08just want you to understand, I don't want you to dismiss this.
- 22:11I don't need you to fix this. I want you to understand this.
- 22:16When we don't listen to them and just let them process it
- 22:21psychologically, or I should say subconsciously, they escalate it
- 22:27because they're in their mind, they're thinking, OK, she's not
- 22:29getting it. So I guess I have to ramp it up
- 22:31a little bit so that she'll finally understand.
- 22:35So that's when they become more dramatic, they raise their
- 22:38voices, they they get or they get quieter, it's the silent
- 22:43treatment or the pouty looks on their face.
- 22:45All of these are ways to escalate it.
- 22:48And it's really a a cry to say please understand what I'm
- 22:51trying to tell you here. They'll keep escalating it until
- 22:56something in their brain goes because she's never going to get
- 22:59it and then they end it. So that's when you're hear
- 23:03things like, OK, forget it, you just don't get it.
- 23:06You'll never understand. Or they'll slam the door and
- 23:10walk out or cross their arm and and, you know, just get quiet
- 23:16and we start to say no, no, no, no, come on, you know, tell me
- 23:19what it is. I'm listening now.
- 23:22And then they say no, no, I'm done, right?
- 23:24So it escalates or it ends. And so that is why being
- 23:30dismissive of other people's concerns is it's it's just a
- 23:37crazy maker. So the the better option is just
- 23:41to listen with empathy. And side note, listening does
- 23:45not equal agreement. Listening just means listening.
- 23:49And when we listen with empathy, what ends up happening is those
- 23:54emotions have a chance to settle, and then we have a
- 23:58chance to have a more rational conversation.
- 24:01So that's one being dismissive. I think another one is assuming
- 24:07the worst before you have all the facts.
- 24:12Now, this was really interesting.
- 24:14I did some research as I was writing the book, and what I
- 24:18found was that all of us in the midst of conflict, we tell
- 24:24ourselves a story, right. Which makes sense, you know, he
- 24:27said that because, oh, she did that.
- 24:31Since, you know, we we, our, our brains are wired to make sense
- 24:35of things. So we tell ourselves a story
- 24:37about why people said things, why people did things.
- 24:41But the research shows that when we assign motives to people, we
- 24:46are only accurate 20% of the time and it only rises to 30% of
- 24:55the time in a very close marriage.
- 24:59So that means that the stories that we tell ourselves about why
- 25:04somebody else did something or said something is not always
- 25:09true. So when we we assume the worst,
- 25:16then, then we're operating and we're we're saying things and
- 25:22we're doing things in response to the story in our head, which
- 25:26it may not be the right story. So we have to back up and ask
- 25:31ourselves, OK, wait, what story am I telling myself about this?
- 25:34Because the other thing that we do in telling ourselves the
- 25:37story is we're always the innocent victim and they are the
- 25:41evil villain, right? So good.
- 25:55I love all of that and so knowledgeable.
- 25:58So let's talk about as we're finishing up those hard
- 26:03conversations that we need to have in conflict because it's so
- 26:09much easier to walk away, like you're saying sweep it under the
- 26:13rug. But it's not the healthy way we
- 26:18we kind of have to do the the hard to to get in a relationship
- 26:24back on a peaceful level or you know get it back to restoration.
- 26:30So how can we have those hard talks that are so difficult for
- 26:36us, especially for peacemakers, you know, ones that don't like
- 26:40to, you know, face conflict with the person?
- 26:43How can we do this in a healthy, helpful way?
- 26:46Because I think a lot of people are going to be tuning in going
- 26:49how can I have that hard conversation?
- 26:53Yeah, which that's the $1,000,000 question, right?
- 26:56How do I have this conversation right that makes it turn out
- 27:01better rather than worse? And I really do believe that
- 27:07part of the reason we hate conflict so much is that most of
- 27:11us have never learned to navigate conflict in a way that
- 27:15makes it turn out good. So we tend to think of conflict
- 27:19as bad. So I think the first step is to
- 27:25accurately assess ourselves like, am I more of an avoider or
- 27:28am I more of an attacker? So And that just knowing
- 27:33yourself, if I'm an avoider, that means I need to speak up.
- 27:39That's going to be, that's going to be my step of obedience.
- 27:42And if I'm an attacker, then I'm going to speak with kindness.
- 27:50That's my act of obedience, right.
- 27:53So Jesus was really clear about this.
- 27:55I mean, he said if your brother or sister sins against you, go
- 28:00privately, you know, and point out their fault.
- 28:04And if they listen to you, you've won them over.
- 28:07So there is a a really a four part step that Jesus out he
- 28:13outlined for us. And it's if there's a sin, if
- 28:17there's a heart, something that's happened, then you go to
- 28:21them. Right now it's at this point,
- 28:24the go where a lot of people fall short, especially avoiders
- 28:31because we're like, I don't know, I don't want to go.
- 28:34I, I, you know, why do I have to go?
- 28:37Shouldn't they just know maybe if I tell somebody else they'll
- 28:40go. Maybe maybe I don't need to go.
- 28:44You know, when would I go, How would I go?
- 28:46You know, we we sidestep this, right?
- 28:50And I I want to say this even goes back to when you ask me my
- 28:55favorite verse and about the trust in the Lord with all your
- 28:59heart and lean not on your own understanding.
- 29:02When we sidestep this and we don't go when we know that we
- 29:06really should and the relationship's not going to get
- 29:09better if we don't, then we're trusting in ourselves and we're
- 29:13leaning on our owner's standing of how we have always
- 29:17functionally handled conflict rather than doing what God says
- 29:21and he's like, just go go privately.
- 29:25So this is a one-on-one thing, which is huge because we have a
- 29:29propensity to talk about people rather than talking to people.
- 29:37And we when we talk about someone rather than to someone,
- 29:41we just perpetuate the conflict, right?
- 29:43Right. So if you're an avoider, it's
- 29:45like go. If you're an attacker you need
- 29:48to relate OK go kindly and and privately because that
- 29:53communicates respect and and Jesus says point out their fault
- 29:58and it's it's really interesting because the point out if you
- 30:04look at the original language is it's it's talking about just one
- 30:09specific thing so we don't and fault is singular not plural
- 30:13right. So we don't dump truck a bunch
- 30:16of stuff into somebody's lap. We're just going to like this
- 30:19one thing, and you know, it's one issue at a time.
- 30:25And then what ends up happening though, is that often times when
- 30:29we don't do things the way Jesus told us, we let things build up.
- 30:35And you know, things always come out.
- 30:37They always have a way of coming out.
- 30:40When we don't go sooner and we wait until later, then the way
- 30:46we communicate is usually harsher and more emotion filled.
- 30:52And also we dump truck things. So if we would just follow
- 30:57Jesus's prescription, like just go when it's one thing, point
- 31:01out a specific thing when you're not super emotional about it, do
- 31:06it privately. And then if they listen, it's
- 31:09all good, you know, And and I love the fact that Jesus says if
- 31:13he doesn't say when because it takes two humble people to make
- 31:16a conflict resolve in a healthy way.
- 31:20So it's not, it's not guaranteed, but it does, it does
- 31:24increase the likelihood that the the resolution will have a good
- 31:29outcome. So that's just some very
- 31:30specific one. Other thing, I just want to
- 31:32piggyback on something that you said earlier when you're talking
- 31:36about your husband and him affirming you when you had
- 31:40conflicts is when we are going to have a hard conversation.
- 31:47The best thing we can do is to lead with listening and affirm
- 31:52the relationship. So right off the bat we say
- 31:55things like I really value this relationship or I love you more
- 32:03than you know or I really want us to work this out.
- 32:07So we validate something about the relationship or we validate
- 32:10something about the way we might both see things.
- 32:14Like, I know this is probably as frustrating for you as it is for
- 32:17me, or I hate that I'm nagging about this.
- 32:21I I'm sure you hate that I'm nagging about it too.
- 32:25So we kind of come from it from a perspective where we're in
- 32:30agreement from the beginning about the frustration
- 32:35surrounding it, even if we don't, you know, see things eye
- 32:39to eye. But we both can agree on the
- 32:42frustration or we both can agree on we value the relationship.
- 32:47And I think just that right there, that kicks off a hard
- 32:53conversation with an attitude of humility and it really sets us
- 32:57up for having good conflict resolution.
- 33:00Yes, I agree that is so good. Just, you know, from personal
- 33:06experience, when somebody had said that to me, it definitely
- 33:09diffused it. It became more of a warmer
- 33:14conversation. It softened the heart.
- 33:18You know, if you're coming in there and you've got a little
- 33:20bit of a hard heart. And so all of what you said is
- 33:24so good, so informative, Okay. I love ending with a take away
- 33:30for the listener to ponder on or take action in as it's been so
- 33:34good. So what could you leave with our
- 33:37friend here that's listening, that is maybe dealing with
- 33:40conflict and, you know, needs that encouragement?
- 33:45Do you know what to do next? Yeah, such a good question.
- 33:48That's, that's such a good question.
- 33:50I would say invite Jesus in. And the reason I say that is
- 33:56because often times when we're in conflict, we get in our own
- 34:00heads and we tend to revert to just what we learned as a child
- 34:06or what feels comfortable to us, right.
- 34:09And when we say, Jesus, I want to invite you into this
- 34:14conflict. My daughter, as I was writing
- 34:16the book, I was talking to one of my daughter's about having
- 34:19hard conversations and she said something to me that I was like,
- 34:22Oh my goodness, that is so good. She goes, you know what, mom?
- 34:26Whenever I'm going to have to have a hard conversation, I just
- 34:29pray this simple prayer. Lord, let this be a conversation
- 34:34of three, not two. And I just thought that was
- 34:39golden. And so whether it's a
- 34:43conversation or a conflict with your spouse or your child or
- 34:47your Co worker or your neighbor, if we can pause and just quickly
- 34:52say, Lord, let this be a conversation of three, not two,
- 34:57I invite you into this. Then he promises, going back to
- 35:02Proverbs. He'll make our paths straight.
- 35:05He'll direct our paths and show us the the way, the best way for
- 35:10us to handle the conflict. I think that is just a simple
- 35:13take away no matter what conflict we're going through.
- 35:15So good, Beautiful. Thank you.
- 35:17Donna, Where can people purchase your book and connect with you?
- 35:21You're a speaker and a Bible teacher, and where can do you
- 35:27have speaking engagements coming up?
- 35:29And maybe you've got some goodies to offer with your book.
- 35:32I do. I do.
- 35:33Thank you so much. Yeah.
- 35:34You can connect with me at donnajones.org.
- 35:38You can buy my book Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life
- 35:42Everywhere. Books are sold and the book
- 35:45actually comes out February 20th.
- 35:47So if you are listening prior to that, pre-order the book and you
- 35:51will get some fun goodies. My As I was writing this book,
- 35:55one of the things for me personally is I realized that
- 36:00this is one of those books everybody needs to have on their
- 36:03bookshelf, even if they're not in the midst of a conflict now.
- 36:07Because what ends up happening is when a conflict happens, you
- 36:13want something that you can go and grab like right then and say
- 36:17okay, How do I handle this so that I am not going to end up
- 36:22with regret? So you can again find it on my
- 36:26website, donnajones.org. You can connect with me on
- 36:28Instagram at Donna A Jones and I would just count in an honor to
- 36:33oh, and I have a podcast, which is that's just what I needed.
- 36:37So I would love to connect with your listeners that way as well.
- 36:40Thank you so much, Donna. Yes, I know.
- 36:44I agree. Even if you're not in a
- 36:45conflict, read this book because then you'll know when the time
- 36:50does come. Or just be able to communicate
- 36:54well in relationships in general?
- 36:57Thank you so much. We're so encouraged and inspired
- 37:00by your wisdom that God imparted on you to create this book.
- 37:05And thank you again for coming on here.
- 37:08It was amazing. Thank you so much for having me.
- 37:12It was just absolutely a joy. Thank you so much for listening
- 37:17today, and I trust that God has encouraged you through this
- 37:20story. Did you know this podcast is on
- 37:23YouTube? Hop on there and subscribe and
- 37:26you can see a live recording of each episode.
- 37:30And For more information on this ministry and to access free
- 37:34downloads, please visit my website at jamieelizabeth.com.
- 37:38That's JAYME elizabeth.com. And let's connect beyond this
- 37:44podcast by going to my Instagram handle, Jamie Elizabeth.
- 37:47She Speaks Life or Facebook. Until next time, my friend.
- 37:51I hope God reveals himself through your own life story.