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Amy Winehouse: Rehab, the Muse and a Rare Talent · DISGRACELAND

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Disgraceland is a production of Double Elvis. The stories about
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Amy Winehouse are insane. She drank her weight in alcohol,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: brazenly hit on Prince Harry, tied herself off to mainline
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: more heroin than 1976 Keith Richards, and tied herself to
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: a boy named Blake, who is the baddest of bad influences.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Amy was also, at times, inspired, and most always, musically
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: speaking at least, inspiring. And Amy Winehouse made great music.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: That music you heard at the top of the show,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: that wasn't great music. That was a preset loop from
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: my Mellotron, called Mellow Tango Flash Flash Flash BK1. I
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: played you that loop, because I can't afford the license
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: for Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. And why would I
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: play you that specific slice of rapture-inspired cheese, could I
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: afford it? Because that was the number one song in
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: America on October 27, 2006, and that was the day
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: that Amy Winehouse released Back to Black, her smash second album,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: an album that would skyrocket her to superstardom and make
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: her an easy mark for both the paparazzi and her demons.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: A suffocating reality that would kill the very thing inside of.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Her that pushed her to make music in the first place.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: On this episode, a mellow tango, electro cheese, a fleeting muse,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: and Amy Winehouse.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Her eyes were open as she walked down the sidewalk
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: adjacent Camden Square, but they were far away, distant. They
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: may as well have been closed. Amy Winehouse saw none
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: of the chaos around her as she made her way
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: down the London street from Holly Arms, her local, to
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: her flat around the way. The cameras, their flash, the
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: intrusive shouts from members of the paparazzi and their commands,
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: do this, don't do that, how's Reg, when was the
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: last time you saw Blake, when are we getting new music,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: To Amy, it was white noise. As disruptive as it was,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: she could no longer register it. She'd walk down the
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: street and affect her thousand-yard junkie stare. It wasn't difficult.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: She'd done her time in the shooting gallery. Even if
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: she was off smack and even if she was drunk,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: she knew how to project the gaze. Amy would trick
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: herself into thinking about something else.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Music. Always music.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: She'd watch her voice as if the sound of it
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: was a physical thing that could be tracked visually. Amy
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: would take a melody, sometimes one of her own, something
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: she was working on, but these days it was usually
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: a classic from the Torch songbook, from one of the
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: jazz grades she admired and studied, Sarah Vaughan or Tony Bennett.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: And Amy would imagine that melody passing over her lips
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: and rising up into the sky, floating freely without the
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: limitations of this cruel world. It would move with ease
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: around the clouds from left to right, slinking and sliding
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: over the imagined bars of some cosmic scale, A sonic
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: manifestation of the emotion welling up inside of her. A
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: heavily mascarade vision board, like one of those transparent acetate
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: sheets that music school teachers would place on old viewfoil projectors,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: layered over the reality of the unwanted fame that complicated
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: her world. The same world she tottered through alternately on
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: four-inch heels and in bloody ballerina shoes.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Simpler times.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: School was out, reality was in, and it was a
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: mindfuck of the highest order. Celebrity was a 24-7 invasion.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: It scared away the muse. Before success, the muse was
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: like a desperate barback at last call, just there, eager
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: and easy. But after success, the muse became elusive. Every
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: so often, Amy would corner the muse, and when she did,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: she'd wrap her tattooed fingers around his throat, push his
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: chin up in a way that gave her access to
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: the part of the neck below the crux of the jaw,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: just under the ear. She'd press her lips to his
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: tight skin, and like a vampire, let her hot breath
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: penetrate the moment. She could feel the muse giving in
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: to her, sliding one hand to the small of her back,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: palming her head with the other, pressing the tips of
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: his fingers to massage her scalp gently while she moved
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: her lips and tongue about his neck. When the sweat started,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: she knew he was hers. Her heart would swell. She
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: could feel herself smiling, laughing, swooning inside, feeling that old feeling, inspired, celebratory,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: in need of a drink. and she'd turn to the
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: bar for a quick pull on her pint, and then
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: back to the muse, and he'd be gone. In his place,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: the light of a thousand suns flashing and popping in
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: her face, blinding her, pushing her blood to boil, ratcheting
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: up her anxiety, backing her into a corner, leaving her
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: little room to think, to create, to feel, to love.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: So sighting her songs across the sky was a tactic,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: a defense mechanism, a way to block out the paparazzi,
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: and a way to stay rooted in creativity. Sometimes it worked,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: and most times it didn't. Today it was working, so
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Amy was happy. A wry smile turning up the ends
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: of her lips as she walked on by. And the
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Camden summer air cooled her skin, and the bustle of
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: early evening was kicking in. Time for Amy to head
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: home from the pub. Nighttime was not the right time.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Not for Amy. Too much temptation. Too slippery a slope.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: It wasn't always this way, though. Amy Winos used to
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: own Camden nightlife, in her own couldn't-care-less kind of way.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Camden nightlife itself was a different thing then as well.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: It was the epicenter of cool. The northwest London neighborhood,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: with its markets, record stores, and bookshops, was home to
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: a bar called The End that hosted a party on
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: Monday nights called Trash. Errol Alkin, the visionary DJ host
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: who launched Trash, revolutionized the UK nightclub scene with the
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: genre-defying music he spun and the performers he booked. Trash
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: propelled British club culture beyond tired Britpop And it's where
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: those two star-crossed lovers, the electric guitar and the big beat,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: the slutty electronic big beat, finally said, fuck it and
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: jumped in the sack together. The club's demise is too
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: close in the rear view. But in years to come,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: music nerds who write about this sort of thing will
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: come to recognize that Trash was as influential as the
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: matinees at CBGB or the velvet rope line at Studio 54.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: In the early 2000s, electronic music was no longer lame.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: More precisely, its offshoot, electroclash, was the height of cool.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: If you were one of those people who thought drum
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: machines or pre-programmed or triggered drums had quote-unquote no.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Soul, you were either old, out of touch, or both.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: If you were lucky enough to make it past the
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: fashion police at the door and into trash on a
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Monday night, what you found writhing on the dance floor
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: to the angular guitars and filthy beats of the Rapture's
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: House of Jealous Lovers or LCD sound systems losing my
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: edge was the sound of the new millennium. An urgent,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: sexier rock and roll in the embodiment of soul. A
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: jammed dance floor of stoned, sauced, sweaty, sexy 20-somethings, some
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: of whom were about to write the future of pop music.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Trash was basically a rehearsal space for the Libertines, the
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: scruffy London indie band that defined rock and roll for
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: a large swath of British teens. Acts like The Strokes,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Kings of Leon, White Stripes, Peaches, and star-making DJ on
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: the make Mark Ronson all hung out at Trash, all
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: artists whose influence is felt widely in today's popular music.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: As I write this, the morning after the 61st Annual
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Grammy Awards, Mark Ronson and Anthony Rossimondo, the touring guitarist
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: who replaced Pete Doherty in the Libertines, are busy sleeping
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: off the high of winning the Grammy Award for Best
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Song for Lady Gaga's Shallow. How's that for influence? Also
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: in the crowd at Trash on the regular, Amy Winehouse.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: She could be seen crushed up against the stage of
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: early Libertine's performances at Trash, and Trash's promiscuous air and
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: genre-bending music programming can be heard on her Mark Ronson
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: co-produced second album. And of course, Trash is where she
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: met Blake, Blake Fielder. Their love was instant, hot, impassioned,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: and like most of what would come to define their
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: future relationship, illicit. Amy and Blake were both seeing other people,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: but significant others could not significantly tamp down their lust
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: for one another. It was all-consuming, and for Amy, inspiring.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Blake was a muse. The love he brought to the
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: party was compelling. The drugs he brought to the party
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: were another story entirely. Coke, speed, pills, heroin, and crack
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: were all in play, and they played against Amy's inspiration.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Her demons, always just a touch below the surface, were
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: easily called into action to speed her descent into the grimy,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: addictive underground that her new boyfriend trafficked in. Blake Fielder, mover, shaker,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: drama maker, roving gambler with a rambling tongue in the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: faraway eyes, thief, junkie, and the future Mr.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Amy Winehouse.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Wu-Tang Clan, Shangri-La, Salt-N-Pepa, and Darnie. Hathaway all ended up
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: on the mix. The mix playing on repeat in Amy
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Winehouse's head. These artists and more singed Amy Winehouse. Their
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: musical influence on her was both obvious and subtle depending
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: on who you were talking about. But the one trait
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: they all shared, that Amy picked up on and never
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: put down, was their command of voice. Say what you
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: will about Wu-Tang, the Shangri-La, Salt-N-Pepa, and Donny Hathaway, but
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: when they were doing their thing, each ascended to the
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: head of their respective packs, and it was because of
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: the command of their music, specifically over their voices. Amy
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Winehouse was a top-notch vocalist, sure, a jazz singer. As
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: her hero, Tony Bennett, said of her, she sang the
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: right way.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: He was right.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Hearing that quote, it's easy to think that he's talking
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: about her technique. And when we talk about vocal technique,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: physicality and God-given gifts figure heavy into the equation. But
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: the other component, emotion, is just as important, but perhaps
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: more crucial, is what the singer chooses to do with
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: that emotion. Like an actor, singers make choices. And no
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: pop singer in modern history chose more wisely than Amy Winehouse.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: She transported herself in order to connect the lyrics she sang.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: whether they were standards sung previously by jazz or Motown giants,
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: or whether they were written by her. And if they
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: were written by her, you can bet they were drawn
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: from a place of deep experience, usually pain. She would
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: thoroughly search for an emotion before committing her voice to
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: it in song, and the result was a stunning command
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: over her instrument, her voice. As strong as Jimi Hendrix's
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: command over his guitar, or Keith Moon's over his kit,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: or pick your.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Iconic analogy, Amy Winehouse could match it.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: But to make a great record, it takes more than
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: just that command and that power and that technique. It
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: takes something even more special. It takes a song, a
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: hit song, with a lyric that is hardwired to the
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: singer's heart, where the singer is such a reliable narrator,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: and the lyric, despite its simplicity, is compelling because of
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: its authenticity. When a lyric has that combination, simplicity, authenticity, emotion,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: point of view, it has the power to stop the
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: world from spinning and make listeners say to themselves, Oh yeah, duh.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: And then sprint to the internet or record stores or
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: wherever people get their music to listen to it over
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: and over and over again. And that's what Amy Winehouse's
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: breakout single did with the lyric, they try to make
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: me go to rehab.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: And I said, no, no, no.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Of course you did. Look at you, big Ronnie Spector beehive.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: Black mascara for days, tattoos, skinny like a coke spoon,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: teeth fucked up in that sexy English way. And no kidding,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: you said, no, no, no. You have hearts to break,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: bars to close, charts to top, and more and more
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: songs to write for us about that son of a
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: bitch who messed you up.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: What's his name?
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: That dude with the rolled up Fred Perry sleeves who
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: constantly looks either hungover or wasted.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: Your muse, you say.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Blake.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Blake.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Amy Winehouse had a hit, and her new husband, Blake Fielder,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: was very much along for the ride. Though the ride
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: began over a bumpy road, in the beginning, Amy and
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Blake had significant others. And when they seemed to have
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: finally committed to each other, Blake bailed and went back
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: to his girlfriend. Amy was heartbroken, but she was also inspired.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: She opened an emotional vein and poured her heart out
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: into her lyrics and onto tape. And when her Blake-inspired
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: batch of songs was finally released... Amy's first single, Rehab,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: shot up the charts in both the UK and the States,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: launching her second album, the Mark Ronson co-produced Back to Black,
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: up the charts. Amy took America by storm, first with
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: a star-turning performance on The Late Show with David Letterman,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: where she and her excellent borrowed backing band, Brooklyn's Dab Kings,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: announced her arrival with authority.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: From there, radio, or what was left of.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: It at the time in 2007, along with the internet,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: got fully behind the single. And with Amy's arresting punk
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: rock by way of girl group Good Looks and Quick Wit,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: the press and the tabloids were immediately intrigued. Suddenly, Amy
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Winehouse was everywhere. And before it was all said and done,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Back to Black would win five Grammy Awards and become
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: the second biggest selling album of all time in the
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: UK and go on to sell a combined 12 million
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: copies worldwide. But with success comes stress. Superstar level stress.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Amy Winehouse now had a shit ton of responsibilities, and
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: all she wanted to do was get back to life
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: in Camden with Blake. Drink, get high, which with Blake
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: in tow was now a preferred way of passing time
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: and write new songs. But she faced extensive touring, performing
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: songs she'd already gotten tired of performing. The reluctant pop
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: star was thrust into the music industry marketing machine and
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: tasked with winning over audiences through TV appearances, interviews, and
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: photo shoots. Worst of all, What came with all of
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: that was increased interest from the tabloid press in the
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: burgeoning age of social media. She was under more scrutiny
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: than ever and stressed the fuck out about it. Amy
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: was sometimes insecure about her looks, her weight, and even
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: her talent. And when she felt insecure, she got destructive.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: After fleeing a photo shoot in tears because she didn't,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: as she said, feel pretty enough, she managed to find
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: some courage after a fortifying bottle or three of champagne.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Drinking through her work.
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: Days was the way she coped. Eating was something other
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: people did. Her body suffered. She no longer filled out
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: her form-fitting pin-up girl dresses and sometimes joked that she
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: used every eating disorder available to her as a means
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: of maintaining her figure. As her body got smaller and
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: eventually frailer, her hair got bigger, her makeup more dramatic.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: She hoped that artifice would create some distance, telegraphed to
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: her fans and detractors alike that what really mattered was
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: the music. Success for Amy Winehouse was not what she expected.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: It was problematic. Amy blamed many of her problems on
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: her daddy issues. Mitch Winehouse had not only left her
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: mother Janice when Amy was nine, he'd also brought around
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: to the house the woman he'd been having an affair
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: with for most of Amy's young life, beginning when she
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: was just two years old. In effect, shoving his love
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: life and rejection of them into their faces. Amy craved
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: her father's attention. She still looked up to him and
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: wanted his approval. but underlying that sense of abandonment and
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: rejection were behavioral problems that she'd shown since she was
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: a toddler. She suffered from depression and may have been bipolar,
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: and she was put on a mood-stabilizing drug in an
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: attempt to control her symptoms.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: Most often, though, she took her anger out on herself.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: She began cutting at age nine, just little lines and
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: cross-hatcheted marks so tiny you could barely see them. But
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: they were there, and they gave her a kind of release.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: They gave her a sense of control, however fleeting. As
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: an adult, she still cut herself. It was something she
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: and Blake had done separately as children, and now they
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: did it together. Romantic.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: Cut, cut, cut.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Just a little blood. A little more blood. Then the
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: shame and the scars. She cut herself to punish herself,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: to punish Blake. At the same time, she began to
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: depend more and more on Blake, a man who could
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: barely take care of himself, to support her emotionally, to
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: take care of her. Blake was her man, her muse,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: her mess. A hardcore drug user, he brought heroin and
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: crack into the relationship. But Amy wasn't some passive victim.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: She embraced his world of drugs wholeheartedly. But when she
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: was using drugs and drinking, Amy lacked self-control. And then again,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: why should she control herself? She was Amy Winehouse. You
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: never knew which Amy you were going to get. She
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: could be funny and flamboyant or fucked up and fidgety.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: At the Q Awards in 2006, where you too received
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: yet another award of some kind, Amy was there. sitting
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: in the audience. She got antsy as Bono droned on.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: He literally would not shut up. Amy wanted a drink.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: She wanted a smoke and her feet hurt.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: Her hair itched. She wanted to leave. Jesus, Bono, will
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: you ever fucking shut up? She shouted.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: It came out loud in her heaviest Cockney accent. Heads turned.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: People shushed. Bono glared. She could give a shit about
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: pissing off Bono. And she didn't mind making a scene either.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: She wanted out.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Award shows weren't her thing. For Amy, a girl from Camden,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: festivals were more to her taste. At the Wireless Festival,
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: she was in her element. She hit the VIP bar.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: She was feeling right in her short yellow halter dress,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: peep-toast stilettos, mile-high beehive, and signature red lipstick. She looked
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: around backstage to see who was worthy of her attention.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: As Jay-Z began his set, Amy noticed the A-listers who
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: were surrounding her. the magnificent Beyoncé, that smug little snob
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Gwyneth Paltrow, and the has-been twins Kate Moss and Madonna.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: But Amy wasn't interested in any of them. She had
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: her sights set on an unsuspecting and officially single royal,
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Prince Harry, or Prince Hot Ginge as he was dubbed
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: in the tabloids. He was captivating in all of his
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: royal glory. Amy watched him vibe to H to the Izzo.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: He raised his hands to the anthem, as did his
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: dozen or so bodyguards. And suddenly, they were on high alert.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: because Camden's tattooed rose was rolling up on the prince.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: The crack-addled songstress, the great Amy Winehouse herself, was barreling
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: right at him. Paparazzi swarmed around her as she moved
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: toward where Harry sat at the side of the stage.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: Oi, Harry, she called. He'd never met her, and he
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: wasn't exactly planning on doing that now, either. What was
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: she doing? My God, she was coming closer. Oi, oi, Harry,
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: it's me, Amy.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: At this point, security rained down on her and promptly
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: apprehended her. Prince Harry remained embarrassed, but polite as she
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: was dragged off by her handlers and then by security. Sometimes,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: Amy had things under control. Other times, she did not.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And that was the case on the night Amy had
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: been invited by a friend to a children's production of Cinderella.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: The friend was starring as Prince Charming, By the time
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Amy arrived, she was feeling the fight rise up in her.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: She wanted to embarrass her friend, just a little. She
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: wanted attention. She wanted to be funny, to be loved.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: She wanted to disrupt, to hurt. She wanted the glass slipper,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: to totter around in, to break, to cut. She wanted,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: she needed a prince. She needed to be Cinderella. She
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: was Cinderella.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Fuck cinders!' she screamed.' Marry me, Prince Charming, me!
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: The little kids in the audience were confused. The parents
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: shocked the theater manager beside himself. Amy got up out
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: of her seat and was walking up and down the aisles.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Trying to take charge with minimal embarrassment, the theater manager approached.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: A low voice in her ear said, Please come with me, Ms.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Winehouse. She pulled away.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: We have a private VIP seating area where you'd be
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: more comfortable. He continued politely. The fuck I'm coming with you.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: A couple of security guards intervened to escort her out
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: of the building. She said she needed to use the
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: bathroom first, but that was just the ploy to hit
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: the bar again. She wobbled toward the bathroom and then
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: made a break to a small service bar in the hallway.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: To the tuxedoed bartender, she said, I want a vodka.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: Miss Winehouse, wouldn't a glass of water be? And then,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: that's when she hit him. The bartender, an open-handed smack,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: right in his face. Then, a closed fist wallop. Then,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Amy attacked for real, flailing arms and legs, scratching, kicking.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: The bartender, about twice her size, tried restraining Amy. And
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: that's when the Louboutins connected straight with his balls. The
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: full security team managed to get Amy under control. Her
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: bodyguard promised she'd report herself to the police in the morning.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: No one had called the cops, but someone tipped off
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: the press. And as she left the theater, the paparazzi
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: was in full effect. Flash, flash, flash. An endless barrage
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: of intrusive cameras and questions.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: Amy, what happened? When's the next record coming out? Is
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: it ever coming out? Amy, why are you so skinny?
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: What did you smoke tonight, Amy? Where's Blake? Is he
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: cheating on you? When are you going to rehab? Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: She looked up through her tangled hair. Undone. A mess.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: One shoe in her hand. One lost.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Her bare feet stepping unsteadily through the cold winter night.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: She had just one question. For the theater manager, the cops,
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: her husband, her father, her fans, the tabloid sleaze who
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: followed her.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: One question. Just who the fuck do you think you are?
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: We'll be right back after this word, word, word.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Blake Fielder decided on one more drink. right after he
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: decided on one last line of coke. And after that,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: he decided that maybe another line was in order. And
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: of course then, another drink. And then a line, and
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: then a drink. And then a bump, and then more drink. Then,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: a lick of his index finger and a swipe across
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: the top of the bathroom sink for what was left
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: of the blow. Then, a shot to dull the realization
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: that he had no more coke, he exited the bathroom
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: and bobbed his head manically to the song from pulp
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: blasting through the club speakers at ear-shattering volume. And then
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: he sucked his gums, pulled out his empty bindle from
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: his sticky jean pocket right there in the dance floor
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: and pressed it into his nostrils, inhaling hard but getting nothing.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Back to the bar. Another shot. And then a failed
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: attempt at calling his guy. Dude was nowhere when he
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: needed him. And Jarvis Cocker really needed to tone it
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: the fuck down. Blake was annoyed and coke or no coke,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: the Macbeth was bumping. The bar had survived two world
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: wars and even typhoid. But Blake and his drinking buddy
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: were about to give the place a run for its
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: money and open a very.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Unsavory chapter in their own lives.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: They were jacked up, shouting at no one in particular
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: and banging on their table.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: And most everyone tried ignoring them.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: But the crowd at the upmarket establishment was getting tired
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: of their cocaine-fueled hooligan bullshit. Stoned out of their minds
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: and pissed that there was no more coke, Blake and
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: his friend were by all accounts ready to blow their tops.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Live wires, hot mics, spilled out and bound to blow.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: They were scaring the customers. At last, the bar owner,
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: affable and impeccably dressed, stepped up to their table and
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: informed them that it was time to pay up and
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: go home. When he escorted Blake and his boy to
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: the door, the pair grabbed the bartender and dragged.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: Him outside by his suit jacket. Blake's boy threw him
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: to the ground.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: He and Blake then viciously kicked the man in the
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: head as he curled into a bloody fetal position. One
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: kick to the face, the sound of cracking bone. The
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: bartender's cheekbone busted. A kick to his eye and his
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: eye socket shattered. A brutal kick to one side of
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: his jaw and then to the other side of his
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: face and the bartender was barely conscious. When all was
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: said and done, after multiple surgeries, the bartender had to
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: have his face fitted with metal plates to make it
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: look like a face again. His destroyed eye socket was
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: reconstructed with titanium. Mesh was used to hold his eye
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: in place. His jaw, once it was reattached to his skull,
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: was held together with a metal bolt. Not ten men
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: down like Roger Moore, just one man the two coked-up
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: idiots kicked the shit out of for no good reason.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: There's a name for that kind of beating. In English
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: criminal law, it's called an assault of grievous bodily harm
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: with intent, or GBH for short. At Snaresbrook Crown Court,
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Blake Fielder was brought before the Honorable Judge David Radforth,
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: who told Blake that his behavior was, quote, gratuitous, cowardly, and,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: I shit you not, a disgrace, unquote. Blake incredibly said,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: but Judge, I were right pissed at the time. The judge,
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: who thought Fielder was a pathetic swine, shook his head
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: in disbelief. Blake began to worry about the prospect of
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: serious jail time. Within a few months, Blake was falling
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: down and pulling Amy along with him every chance he got. Together,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: hand in hand, they were spiraling. Worse, they were constantly
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: in the news and tabloids. They were busted for cannabis
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: in Norway, and Amy's embarrassing gig at the MTV European
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Music Awards did nothing for her public image. Then, as
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: if all of it wasn't bad enough, a video of
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: Amy smoking crack surfaced on the internet.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: She was devastated.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: And, to top that, Blake had tried to avoid jail
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: for the beating by offering the victim 200,000 pounds to
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: clam up. Blake had been found out and been made
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: for the bribe. The jig was up and there was
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: no way around it. He was heading to jail for
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: 27 months. So before shipping off to prison, he decided
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: it was.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: Time to lay low.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: He and Amy holed up in their place in Camden
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: where they drank, smoked, and snorted themselves into daily stupors.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: The dull base of Wu-Tang and the streets bouncing constantly
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: in the background.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: Cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy. Amy washed it.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: All down with Stella red wine and vodka. She and
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: Blake shut the world out because the world was dangerous.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: People were fucking parasites. They alone would save each other.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: They had to stay together. They were all they had.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: The knock on the door came out of nowhere. Amy
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: and Blake were asleep. The knocks then graduated to full-on
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: banging and shouting. Amy and Blake stirred in their bed.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Bang, bang, bang. Silence. Police, open up.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: More silence, more banging. Then, one, two, three, and finally,
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: one big bang. The door miraculously held its own. And
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: then the crowbars came out. A crack and the sound
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: of iron rubbing up against concrete.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: Amy shot out of bed as if from a nightmare. Blake!
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: Her mouth was parched and her throat was sore. This
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: is the police! Open up! Fuck! Blake! Bleary-eyed but instantly
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: propelled by adrenaline.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: Amy's husband sprang up from the bed, stumbled over empty
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: bottles and overflowing ashtrays, and peered through the curtains. Down
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: in the street were dozens of police, a fleet of
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: panda cars, and a couple paddy wagons. The cops at
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: the door with their crowbars proceeded to dig in and
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: tug at the sides of the doorframe.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: Amy leaped to the window, panicking, hyperventilating. Blake! He grabbed
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: her by the wrist. We gotta go.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Now. Now. He shoved himself into his crumpled jeans, grabbed
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: his hat, phone, and smokes. He nabbed an extra t-shirt
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: that he would later tie around his neck to ease
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: the sting from the long scratch marks that angrily scored
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: his flesh from cheeks to chest. Amy pulled on a
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: skirt from the floor and stepped into her filthy ballet slippers.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: In tears, she pushed up her battered beehive. It toppled
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: over and pulled on her scalp. The hair extensions had
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: torn away the hair at her temples where there were
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: now two large, raw-looking bald spots.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: Much of her hair was broken.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: And the towering hive now covered what had once been healthy,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: lustrous locks.
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: Her arms and legs were scratched and bruised.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: Her eyeliner ran down her face as if she'd been
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: left out for a week in the rain.
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: Boom, boom, boom.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: Determined to penetrate the apartment, the police had tossed aside
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: the crowbars in favor of.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: A battering ram. There was one thing left to do.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Run.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: Dirty, crusty, battle-wounded, hungover, and still high.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: The two managed to launch themselves down the back stairs
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: like a tweaked-up Bonnie and Clyde. They hauled off to
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: a road behind the house and hailed a cab.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: They were gone.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: The heavy door finally cracked away off its frame and
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: fell backward into the house. Boots trampled into the regal
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: three-story residence. The rooms would have been beautiful if you
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: ignored the debauched party scene. The empties and the trash
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: and the smell of vomiting. Even the seasoned cops had
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: to admit that it was pretty bleak. And while the
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: raid was really about the warrant for Blake's arrest for
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: the bribe, the police had reasonably expected to find drugs.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: But Amy and Blake had finished them off. And they
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: poked around through the bottles, boxes, and ashtrays. The piles
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: of clothes and clumps of hair. The floor was sticky
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: and the tabletops were covered with a variety of crack
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: pipes and wads of crumpled tinfoil.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: But no actual drugs.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: Amy and Blake had made it to North London to
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: the apartment of a friend, and they were on the run,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: and they had to hide. Meanwhile, their paranoia was at
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: full tilt. Had their friends sold them out to the paparazzi,
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: or worse, called the cops? Was the flat bugged? Had
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: the cops already planted evidence? Amy had a bad feeling.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Maybe they should move on and get out, away from
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: their friend's apartment. Was she really a friend anyway? Or
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: was she just like the rest of them, out to
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: get her and Blake?
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: Fuck her. Look how she looked at us when we arrived.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Like we were common criminals.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: But we're not. We're Amy and Blake. And who the
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: fuck are you? And who were you on the phone
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: with just then? And who were you calling? And then,
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: the doors of the apartment broke in with no warning.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: The police were in Amy's friend's flat in seconds. And
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: before Amy could react, they grabbed Blake and handcuffed him.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Amy was beside herself, crying violently and hanging on to Blake.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Baby, I love you, and I'll be fine, that sort
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: of thing. She wouldn't be fine. Not at all.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: After Blake's arrest, Amy's publicist made a statement saying that
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Amy was recovering from exhaustion and asked that the public
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: and the media respect her privacy like that was ever
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: going to happen. Recovering from exhaustion, also known as going
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: to rehab, was something that Amy badly needed. Her family, friends,
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: and record label urged her to enter a facility in
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Essex to come off of the drugs and booze. Alcohol
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: was Amy's true demon. and seesawing on and off it
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: increased the chance that she could die during detox or retox.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: The booze, rather than what she smoked or snorted, wrought
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: the worst havoc on her tiny body. However, her heavy
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: cigarette smoking led to a diagnosis of emphysema in 2008.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: She was only 24 years old. Alone at rehab, Amy
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: was desperate to see Blake. While visits were prohibited, he
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: managed to get to her. One time, he brought her
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: a tiny package, and later... During one of her daily screenings,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: doctors found heroin in her system. Did Blake bring her
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: the drugs out of love or something else? He himself
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: was a drug to her, her protector, her soother, her muse.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: So much so that when Blake was incarcerated, Amy moved
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: to a different rehab center just to be close to him.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: But in 2008, at the insistence of both sets of
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: their parents, Amy and Blake divorced. Blake signed the papers
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: while he was still in jail, and Amy headed off
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: to St. Lucia to quit heroin. quit Blake once and
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: for all. The doctor was stern, cross-looking, but with empathy
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: in his eyes. There was none of the normal condescension,
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: just seriousness and concern. Amy's family listened intently while Amy
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: slept off the strain of her latest overdose in the
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: adjacent room. The doctor's words were no surprise. She'll die
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: if she has another overdose. If you understand me, Amy
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: will die. With the amount of cocaine, crack, heroin, and
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: alcohol in her system, it's a miracle she's not in
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: a coma. You got lucky this time. She's a petite girl.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: The message was clear. Amy Winehouse's family needed to make
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: their rock star daughter go to rehab and actually rehabilitate,
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: or she would be dead before her 28th birthday. No, no, no,
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: would not be an acceptable answer. So Amy checked herself
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: in at the Priory Clinic in London and made a
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: go of it. It was May 2011, and she needed
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: to get ready for her European shows happening that summer.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: But when she checked back out, she found herself uninspired
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: and semi-sobriety. Living clean was boring, There was no inspiration
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: for new music. Playing her hits was also boring and
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: utter drag.
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: No excitement.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: But the bills needed to be paid. Rehab ain't cheap.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: So dates were booked, including her big comeback show in Belgrade.
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: Amy reluctantly agreed. The money was too good. But she
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: dreaded the thought of playing the shows. Now, sober and
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: without Blake, she couldn't see herself up there prattling on
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: about rehab and torched love without alcohol, without her muse.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: The first show was a disaster. With her anxiety through
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: the roof beforehand, Amy took to a bottle of wine
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: to calm her nerves. She drank it fast, the entire bottle,
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: and then another. And by the time she appeared on stage,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: in front of 200,000 people, she was legless. So drunk
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: that she was completely unable to perform. The crowd booed
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: Amy offstage. It's difficult to watch the video of this
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: performance and to see such a commanding artist completely out
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: of control. Unable to do anything, really. She can barely stand,
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: never mind sing. She flirts with the backup singers who
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: somehow maintain an air of professionalism and politely chase her
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: away from their mics, hoping to drive her to her own,
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: to grab it with her spidery fingers and unleash that
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: tortured voice into it. The voice that almost a quarter
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: million people had turned up to see. But instead, she
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: just sits down on the drum riser and watches the
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: show as if she's not even a part of it.
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: Totally defeated, spent, And when news hit of the show,
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: or the lack thereof, the rest of the tour was canceled.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Amy headed home, back to Camden. Amy's feet hurt. If
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: it wasn't the arches from the tight heels, then it
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: was the soles from her near-soulless ballerina shoes. She weaved
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: her way through the paparazzi. The glare of their flashes,
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: the annoyance of their shouting. She tried hard to keep
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: the song in her sight. But the muse was gone,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: and so was the song. Her heart sunk. She felt
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: that pull in her chest and her mouth water slightly.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: She knew there was vodka in the house. She'd drink
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: tonight to dull the pain and tomorrow get back on
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: the wagon. But tonight, tonight, she'd get fucked up and
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: fuck around with some music. Try to get something out,
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: not to tape or at least onto paper. She wobbled
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: up the stairs to her place, leaving the soul-sucking paparazzi
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: behind on the sidewalk.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: Vultures.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: She headed to the kitchen, grabbed the vodka, popped the top,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: and began pulling straight from the bottle. Then, she hit
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: her bedroom. She wanted to play drums, get her blood
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: and creative juices flowing. With the alcohol coursing through her
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: veins and feeling hot and restless, hitting the sticks on
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: the stretched skins would be a release.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: There were things she needed to do.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: Her heart beat like the wings of a bird in
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: a cage, trapped, and there were calls and texts she
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: needed to return. Her phone was somewhere. When her living
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: bodyguard complained about the noise, she traded the sticks for
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: jazz brushes. She drank more vodka. There, the muse, it
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: was back, sort of. She could sense it pulling on
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: her heart. There was something she needed to write down.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: Her guitar was somewhere. She moved on to some wine
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: she had stashed away. There was a song flowing through her.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: She could feel it now. The rhythm got slower, jazzier, softer.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: The beat was intoxicating. She could feel herself slowing down.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: She could feel her anxiety drifting. The pulse of her
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: heart slowing to match the fading rhythm inside of her.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: She let it take her down. She stopped playing but
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: could still hear the slowing beat. Or maybe she could
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: just feel it. Finally, she could feel something. She was
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: alive or so she thought. The beat slowed down even more.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: She put her hands to her heart. Calmer now.
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: Slow. So slow. So slow.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: She slipped down to the floor off of the drumstool
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: to her knees, leaning over to her bed to pull
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: the down comforter off of it and onto her frail
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: and now freezing body in one slow-mo fell swoop. The
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: beat sounded like it was underwater now. She could see
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: the notes floating around the room along with the feathers
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: from the ruffled comforter. They drifted slow, slow, slow through
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: the lamplight in time with the drowning beat, ever so softly.
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: She let herself fall further and further away from the
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: muse until eventually she was gone. Thousands of mourners with flowers, candles,
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: teddy bears, bottles of southern comfort, and packs of smokes,
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: some wearing pinup dresses, some in sharp suits, most in tears,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: stood in front of 30 Camden Place to pay their respects. Alone, addicted,
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: and perhaps most damning, uninspired, their Amy had left them.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: She also left them her voice, her incredible voice, but
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: altogether too soon. Amy Winos was dead at 27 years old,
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: which is a disgrace. I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Disgraceland was created by yours truly and is produced in
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: partnership with Double Elvis. Credits for this episode can be
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: found on the show notes page at DisgracelandPod.com. If you're
• 39:19
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• 39:22
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• 39:25
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• 39:27
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• 39:30
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• 39:31
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• 39:35
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• 39:57
  Speaker 1: at disgracelandpod. Rock and roll. He's a bad, bad man.