Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #186 Psychological Secrets

Transcript

#186 Psychological Secrets · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: Now, So a goal is really something where if you
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  Speaker 2: do it, you can tell that it's being done.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six
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  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. And I'm here with my
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  Speaker 2: wife Clive, you miss Happy Families, mum to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 3: You know, I don't know what it is really about
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  Speaker 3: the new year and this idea of setting goals and
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  Speaker 3: New Year's resolutions.
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  Speaker 2: But fresh slate, clean slate, whatever it is, fire up
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  Speaker 2: that that is.
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  Speaker 4: Do you get excited by that?
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  Speaker 5: I actually do.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I sit down and I, you know, map
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  Speaker 3: out how I want the.
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  Speaker 4: Year to look in I'm going to be so much better.
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  Speaker 5: So much better, And it does. It's literally like it is.
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  Speaker 3: It's this fresh page, and I get to decide what
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  Speaker 3: it looks like.
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  Speaker 4: You've got a brand new calendar.
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  Speaker 5: I do have a brand.
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  Speaker 3: New calendar and diary and I'm rearing and ready to go.
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  Speaker 3: And so I've sat down and I've written down the
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  Speaker 3: things that i want to.
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  Speaker 5: Achieve this year. Awesome but the problem is that usually
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  Speaker 5: what happens.
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  Speaker 2: By Anuary the fourth. How are you going, by the way,
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  Speaker 2: I mean, we're almost at the end of January. How
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  Speaker 2: are you going with your New Year's resolutions?
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  Speaker 5: I have kicked butt with a couple of them, and
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  Speaker 5: I have completely missed the mark with some of them.
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  Speaker 4: Wow.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's do this podcast about how we can
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  Speaker 2: actually make our New Year's resolutions work. Let's talk about
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  Speaker 2: how we can have the psychological secrets to having the
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  Speaker 2: best year ever.
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  Speaker 5: That sounds awesome.
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  Speaker 3: I have got friends who love setting goals, and I've
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  Speaker 3: got friends that absolutely hate it.
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  Speaker 5: I think the problem is understanding what a goal is.
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  Speaker 2: A goal is a form of self regulation that we
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  Speaker 2: adopt to achieve a specific outcome and ideally, So let
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  Speaker 2: me go over that very carefully. First of all, goals
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  Speaker 2: require self regulation because we're working towards something that we're
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  Speaker 2: currently not And that's why a lot of people don't
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  Speaker 2: like goals, by the way, because if you're setting a goal,
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  Speaker 2: it means I'm not enough as I am. I don't
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  Speaker 2: have a problem with that. I think we should always
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  Speaker 2: be reaching for more, trying to be better. I'm cool
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  Speaker 2: with that. But it's a specific aim that we're working towards.
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  Speaker 2: And this is where a lot of people fall down
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  Speaker 2: with the goals. So they say, I want to have
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  Speaker 2: a goal of being healthy, but there's nothing specific about
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  Speaker 2: being healthy, like health exists on a continuum, so we
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  Speaker 2: need to work out what it is to be healthy.
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  Speaker 5: So I have a goal that I want to attend
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  Speaker 5: the gym three times a week.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so that's really specific. That's absolutely specific, it's completely measurable.
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  Speaker 2: So a goal is really something where if you do it,
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  Speaker 2: you can tell that it's been done.
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  Speaker 5: So I have to wait till the end of the
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  Speaker 5: year to say have achieved that goal.
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  Speaker 2: Well, if you've said I want to achieve I want
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  Speaker 2: to go to the gym every day, oh sorry, three
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  Speaker 2: times a week until the end of the year, then yes,
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  Speaker 2: you have to wait until the end of the year.
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  Speaker 4: So it depends on the timeframe that you want to
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  Speaker 4: put on it.
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  Speaker 2: Whereas if you say I want to set a goal
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  Speaker 2: to be healthy, there's nothing specific about that. There's nothing
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  Speaker 2: time bound about it. There's nothing specifically measurable about it
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  Speaker 2: healthy in relation to what so a goal is saying
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to regular my behavior towards a specific end
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  Speaker 2: at a particular time.
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  Speaker 4: That's really what we're talking about with goals.
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  Speaker 2: So the goal, I'm going to go to the gym
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  Speaker 2: three times a week, that's a goal.
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  Speaker 5: So I want to complete my certificate three.
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  Speaker 2: Ah, Yes, that's right, because today's the day. Today is
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  Speaker 2: the day heading off to tape for the first time
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  Speaker 2: in something a couple of decades. Yeah, so you want
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  Speaker 2: to okay, and you'll have a time that's allocated.
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  Speaker 3: You want to get it six month course, so I
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  Speaker 3: want to finish it in six months time.
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  Speaker 4: Right, So that's a specific goal.
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  Speaker 2: It's measurable, you'll know when you've done it, and you've
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  Speaker 2: got a time associated with it.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, So that's what a goal is.
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  Speaker 3: So I want to do my morning devotional time.
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  Speaker 5: That's something that I struggle with.
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  Speaker 3: I do it on and off, and sometimes I'm awesome
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  Speaker 3: at it and sometimes I'm not. So that includes my affirmations,
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  Speaker 3: includes you know, some self development reading, it.
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  Speaker 4: Includes spiritual practice.
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  Speaker 2: And so what you're saying there is that a goal. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: Well it could be or it might not be. So
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  Speaker 2: if you were to say, I want to set a
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  Speaker 2: goal that I want to do this thing every single
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  Speaker 2: day for the next three months, or the next twelve months,
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  Speaker 2: or for the rest of my life. Then yes, that
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  Speaker 2: can be a goal, but it's kind of non specific. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: you can tell that you've done it. You either tick
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  Speaker 2: the box or you don't. And yes, it is measurable
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  Speaker 2: in that you've got that clear indication that it's either
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  Speaker 2: being completed or not. But it's not really time bound.
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  Speaker 2: Because what we're really talking about here is there's an
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  Speaker 2: intersection between goals and habits. So habits are something that
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  Speaker 2: their behavior that we repeat automatically. We're in a certain
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  Speaker 2: situation and we simply do something almost without thinking, in fact,
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  Speaker 2: often without thinking because it's become a habit.
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  Speaker 5: So when we create new habits, they start off as goals.
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  Speaker 2: Well sometimes sometimes they start off because we're not thinking
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  Speaker 2: about anything at all, and it just becomes our habitual
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  Speaker 2: way of responding. So let's say you've got the habit
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  Speaker 2: of snapping every time you're part asks you to take
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  Speaker 2: the bin out, or getting cranky every time your partner
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  Speaker 2: leaves the towel on the floor in the bathroom.
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  Speaker 4: That just becomes a habit.
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  Speaker 2: You roll your eyes and say, oh, for goodness sakes,
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe they've done it again. And that's just
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  Speaker 2: your habitual response, which compounds over time. So a goal
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  Speaker 2: has to be specifically chosen. A habit doesn't have to
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  Speaker 2: be specifically chosen. A habit's just what we do automatically.
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  Speaker 2: But you can set a goal to create better habits.
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  Speaker 2: So have you got any habits that you want to
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  Speaker 2: kick off this year? Well, my routine, your routine, That
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  Speaker 2: morning routine is everything.
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  Speaker 3: I really noticed that my day goes better when I
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  Speaker 3: spend that time on me the first thing in the morning.
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  Speaker 3: But I often get caught up in the fact that
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  Speaker 3: that's the best time for me to do the other
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  Speaker 3: things in my life.
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  Speaker 4: Late mornings are the best. Yes, so many things that
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  Speaker 4: you want to get done more morning. That's right.
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  Speaker 2: It's tricky, isn't it. And then, of course you've got goals.
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  Speaker 2: So there's a handful of things that get in the
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  Speaker 2: way of being successful with either our habits or our goals.
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  Speaker 2: Now that we know the difference between the two. There's
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  Speaker 2: three Well, there's a whole lot of things, but I
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  Speaker 2: reckon it's worth focusing on three things.
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  Speaker 4: I actually talk to you twelve students about this.
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  Speaker 2: Three things that get in the way of achieving success
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  Speaker 2: in laying down effective habits and achieving goals.
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  Speaker 4: Let's talk about.
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  Speaker 2: Those three d's that devastate and destroy our habits and goals.
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  Speaker 1: Right after break, it's the Happy Families Podcast.
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  Speaker 3: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership because
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And we are
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  Speaker 3: talking about how to create the best year ever.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, goals and habits.
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  Speaker 2: And before the break, I was talking about three things
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  Speaker 2: that can really devastate our ability to achieve our goals
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  Speaker 2: and set up three three ds. So doubt. Doubt is
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  Speaker 2: the first one. Doubt what well, you've got a goal
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  Speaker 2: to finish TAFE for example, you said you want to
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  Speaker 2: get that certificate three this year in Florestry. You've got
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  Speaker 2: six months to do it. But doubt is one of
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  Speaker 2: the really big scary things. And a lot of people'll
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  Speaker 2: set a goal. They know exactly what it is that
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  Speaker 2: they want to achieve. It's specific and you know when
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  Speaker 2: you've got it done. They know it's got to be
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  Speaker 2: done by this time. But then doubt creeps in. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not good enough. I've done that one before, I've tried before,
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  Speaker 2: and it's just I'm not that good. Maybe it's a
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  Speaker 2: goal to get your mornings right. Maybe it's a goal
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  Speaker 2: to stop yelling at the kids. It's always burted by
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  Speaker 2: the way. To set your goals in the positive, not
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  Speaker 2: the negative. So stop yelling at the kids. That's a negative.
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  Speaker 2: Don't set a goal to stop yelling. Set a goal
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  Speaker 2: to always be calm with the kids. But when we
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  Speaker 2: set these goals, we sometimes doubt. And you know the
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  Speaker 2: best way to overcome doubt, it's with another word starting
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  Speaker 2: with D of.
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  Speaker 5: Course, it is because you love alliteration.
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  Speaker 4: You've got to decide. Just decide.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, oh should I sign up for the course,
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  Speaker 2: or oh should I get my kids to do this,
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  Speaker 2: or just decide decision. There's so much power in just
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  Speaker 2: making a decision. Once you make the decision, once you
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  Speaker 2: hand over your credit card, you committed, and it's amazing
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  Speaker 2: what you achieve when you finally make that decision to commit.
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  Speaker 3: So doing this course is actually has been a really
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  Speaker 3: big turning point for me because I have doubted my
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  Speaker 3: capacity to be able to do it in light of
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  Speaker 3: everything else that needs to be done in my life.
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  Speaker 4: There you go, you're living into the psychology without even
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  Speaker 4: knowing it.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, so I made a decision and I jumped on
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  Speaker 3: the bandwagon.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So I mean we're talking about you here, honey,
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  Speaker 2: But I mean this is really applicable to any anyone
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  Speaker 2: in any situation. If you want to improve your life,
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  Speaker 2: if you want to improve your family, you set a goal,
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  Speaker 2: but recognize that doubt will creep in. And the best
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  Speaker 2: way to have come doubt is with a decision.
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  Speaker 4: Just commit.
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  Speaker 2: And by the way, if you do absolutely commit and
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  Speaker 2: then you fail, pick yourself up and get on with
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  Speaker 2: it the next day. Don't fail two days in a row.
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  Speaker 2: It's like that goal to exercise three times a week
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  Speaker 2: at the gym. If you miss and only get two
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  Speaker 2: this week, then make up for it next week. You
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  Speaker 2: don't have to do a fourth day. Just get back
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  Speaker 2: on the horse and make sure you get three next week.
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  Speaker 2: Don't fail multiple days multiple weeks in a row. So
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  Speaker 2: the second D is the d of distraction. Okay, the
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  Speaker 2: other thing that gets in the way of our habits
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  Speaker 2: and goals is distraction.
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  Speaker 3: So this is a big one for me, especially we
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  Speaker 3: talked about the morning routine.
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  Speaker 4: Is we have six kids for crying out loud and Netflix.
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  Speaker 3: If I haven't been great the night before and the
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  Speaker 3: house is a bit disarrayed, When I get up first
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  Speaker 3: thing in the morning and the house is calm, it's
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  Speaker 3: the perfect time for me to get out quickly and
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  Speaker 3: create order before the chaos walks out the bedroom doors.
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  Speaker 5: And so all of a sudden.
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  Speaker 2: Bwelling our kids chaos before the chaos walks out of
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  Speaker 2: the bedroom.
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  Speaker 4: I can't believe you said that.
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  Speaker 3: Sorry, And so all of a sudden that becomes more
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  Speaker 3: important than what I actually know, creates you groundedness and
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  Speaker 3: the ability to kind of, you know, focus more intently
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  Speaker 3: on the things that are important by doing that morning routine.
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  Speaker 2: Well, in the same way that we overcome doubt with
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  Speaker 2: the decision, we overcome the lemma of distraction. I can't
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  Speaker 2: help myself with discipline.
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  Speaker 3: So you're saying I'm not disciplined if I decide that
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  Speaker 3: your dishes need to be done much first.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the dishes should have been done the night before,
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  Speaker 2: let's face it. But yeah, it really comes down to
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  Speaker 2: discipline when you make that commitment when you make that decision,
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  Speaker 2: you've got to be disciplined enough to stick with it.
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  Speaker 2: But there are things that you can do to make
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  Speaker 2: it easier to be disciplined. Okay, like what, well, let's
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  Speaker 2: say it's the gym. You make sure that you've got
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  Speaker 2: your gym clothes out, or you make sure that your
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  Speaker 2: schedule is.
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  Speaker 5: I get into my gym clothes, I'm.
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  Speaker 2: Wearing them, or you make sure that you do everything
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  Speaker 2: that you can to set yourself up to be successful,
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  Speaker 2: because that requires less discipline. If you do the work
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  Speaker 2: ahead of time and remove the friction, it's easier to
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  Speaker 2: step in and follow through to actually move towards that goal,
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  Speaker 2: towards that habit being completed.
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  Speaker 5: So you know how much I hate having things on
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  Speaker 5: my bedside table.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that my bedside table is now stacked up with
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  Speaker 3: the things that I would use for my morning routine.
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  Speaker 3: So literally open my eyes and they're.
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  Speaker 4: All right there.
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  Speaker 2: So you've removed all friction. It's right in front of you.
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  Speaker 2: All you have to do a switch on the light,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: reach out, pick up the first thing, and you're away.
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  Speaker 2: And that's what I'm talking about, because the more you
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  Speaker 2: have to rely on discipline and willpower, the less likely
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  Speaker 2: it is that you'll be successful because.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: Not to actually olse. What else I did that was
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: really cool? I brought this elastic band. I don't even
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: know what you call them, but it goes around all
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: of my books and holds them all in one, keeps.
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  Speaker 4: Them neat and tidy. That's right.
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  Speaker 2: But the idea here is you just don't want to
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  Speaker 2: rely on willpower if you can avoid it, because willpower
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  Speaker 2: is lousy.
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: You know, let's say you're trying to get off chocolate.
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: Let's not talk about chocolate.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Having it in the kitchen is really really you're relying
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: on willpower. You're going to fail at about three thirty
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: in the afternoon or two thirty in the afternoon. But
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: if you don't have it there, you don't have to
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: rely on willpower.
• 11:47
  Speaker 5: Are you in the kitchen at three thirty?
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  Speaker 2: I'm just saying, Okay, So we've got two d's doubt
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  Speaker 2: and distraction.
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  Speaker 5: You said there were three.
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  Speaker 2: You overcome them with, you know, such hard work. You
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: overcome them with decision and discipline. But I think that
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  Speaker 2: the third D is one of the most challenging ones,
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  Speaker 2: and that is when we're trying to set a new
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  Speaker 2: goal or create new habits. We kind of get caught
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: up in the drudgery of it, like eventually it's just
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: hard work. We're really inspired and motivated at the beginning,
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: and then we get to what some psychologists have called
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: the messy middle, where it's just plain hard work. Committed
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: to go to the gym three times a week for
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: the rest of the year.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: I'll hang on. I've got eleven months to go.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: It was really inspiring for the first three days, but
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: now my body hurts and I'm tired, and I've got
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: a new course that I've signed up for, and my
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: husband's sick, husband's traveling, kids were sick, They've got to
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: get to school.
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: How am I going to do it?
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  Speaker 2: It's all too hard, and we get into the messy
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: middle of it and it's just drudgery, simply challenging. And
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: so the way we overcome that is we really work
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: on intentional deep work.
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  Speaker 4: That's the answer.
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  Speaker 2: You get really committed to it and you say, well,
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: from this point to this point, I'm going to be
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: fully invested. I'm going to work deeply. This is where
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I'm going to spend my time, and that deep work,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: whether it's keeping the house clean, or whether it's doing
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: the deep inner work of learning how to calm your
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: farm and keep your temper in check, or whether it's
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: doing the deep work that's necessary to get to wherever
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: it is.
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  Speaker 4: It doesn't really matter what it is that you're trying
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  Speaker 4: to do.
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  Speaker 2: It's that deep work, it's that discipline and that decision. Ultimately,
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: it's the decision that gets you there towards those goals
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  Speaker 2: to create those habits.
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  Speaker 4: You're feeling inspired.
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: Do you know what my word is?
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  Speaker 3: This shift?
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  Speaker 4: Intention? Yeah?
• 13:34
  Speaker 5: You slipped that in there, didn't you?
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: I did?
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  Speaker 5: You did?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah? Because I'm good like that?
• 13:39
  Speaker 5: No, I am. I'm feeling great. I think that number one.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: Understanding what a goal is as opposed to a habit
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: or a routine is really important. And now that I
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: have a really clear picture of what my goals are
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: and what my habits are will really help moving forward.
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: I'm excited.
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  Speaker 2: Okay now, No, I know it's sort of like January
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: and some people have already given up on their goals,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: but it's not too late to start again. And just
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  Speaker 2: you're never going to rise above your systems, your habits.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: So it's one thing to set a goal, but if
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: you've got lousy habits underpinning the goal, you're never going
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: to get there. You've got to create the habits, and
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: that's really where the answer lies.
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: So good luck, set some new goals. Create.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: By the way, don't have more than two or three goals.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Your brain just can't hang on twenty more than that,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: it's simply too much.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: Thanks for that coaching session, honey, I'm going to have
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: an awesome there result of that.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: If you do enjoy it, please visit Apple Podcasts and
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: leave a rating and review. It's the reviews that help
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: people to find the podcast and have happier families. The
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhlan and our
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: executive producer is Craig Bruce. For more information about making
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: your family flourish, visit happy families dot com dot au.