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Toxic Positivity · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking Facts and thank you for tuning in to cancer Conversations On Talking Facts,
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  a podcast collaboration between the University of Kentucky,
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  Mary Cancer Center and the UK College of Agriculture,
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  Food and Environments Cooperative Extension Service.
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  We will share with you the latest developments in cancer prevention diagnosis treatment and research from the experts at Mary Cancer Center.
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  Kentucky's only National Cancer Institute designated Cancer Center.
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  Talking Facts is hosted by the UK Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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  families and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to Cancer Conversations On Talking Facts.
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  This is your host,
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  Doctor Jennifer Hunter,
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  assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  Today,
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  I'm pleased to be joined by Bethany Giles,
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  a less licensed clinical social worker at the Marquee Cancer Center.
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  Welcome Bethany,
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  thanks so much for having me.
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  So,
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  Bethany in your work,
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  you really focus on oncology,
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  social work.
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  So,
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  working with those individuals or family members that may um have been recently received a cancer diagnosis or going through cancer treatments and today's topic is going to focus on toxic positivity,
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  which is a new term for me,
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  not something that I've heard before,
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  but you're gonna share with us,
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  you're gonna explain to us a little bit about what toxic positivity is.
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  And then also give us some ideas about how a patient or a caregiver might be able to address the situation differently.
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  So let's just start with the basic definition.
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  What is toxic positivity?
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  Yeah.
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  So,
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  um I should be clear to start the term toxic positivity is not really a clinical term.
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  It's kind of become a more cultural concept maybe or something that we started talking about over the last couple of years and to be frank,
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  I don't even love the term,
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  but we can maybe get into that later.
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  But I think the concept is really valid.
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  Um And still absolutely something that I hear many patients as well as caregivers talk about.
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  And so I a couple of definitions that we may use to kind of conceptualize this idea of toxic positivity is essentially the assumption either by oneself or others that despite a person's emotional pain or difficult situation,
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  they should only have a positive mindset.
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  Some other ways that I've seen people define it is this idea of holding a perpetually positive outlook to the point that one denies the your own emotions or the mo emotions of others or even the act of avoiding suppressing or rejecting negative emotions or experiences.
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  So it's really just this idea of I should be positive or someone else should be positive no matter the circumstances and it sometimes can kind of neglect very valid,
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  difficult circumstances or difficult unpleasant emotions somebody may be experiencing as I listen to you talk.
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  Kind of my takeaway is,
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  is that when we're thinking about the term toxic positivity is that all of our emotions are valid,
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  especially when experiencing cancer diagnosis or cancer treatments,
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  that it's ok to be angry,
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  it's ok to be sad,
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  it's ok to be scared that we don't necessarily always have to have the positive front.
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  Exactly.
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  Exactly.
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  And,
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  and I think that's the potential damage uh,
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  of this concept is that it really invalidates emotions that are completely valid and,
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  and sometimes completely appropriate for a circumstance,
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  just like you said,
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  if I've just received a cancer diagnosis,
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  to feel anxious,
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  to feel overwhelmed,
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  to feel discouraged,
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  all of those are while unpleasant,
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  100% appropriate emotional responses to that circumstance.
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  And that,
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  that idea of toxic positivity is kind of perpetuates this thought of,
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  I'm not,
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  not allowed to feel that way.
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  I'm not supposed to feel that way.
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  And what we often find in mental health and in therapy is that shoving those feelings down and not giving yourself permission to feel them is can actually kind of cause more distress and more damage over time than really giving ourselves permission and,
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  and giving those emotions space to kind of have their purpose and,
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  and do what they're there to do.
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  So,
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  how is it that an individual can avoid the mindset of toxic positiv?
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  So,
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  one thing that I,
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  I wanna be really clear about is that I,
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  I think the tough thing with toxic positivity and I think the reason I said I don't love that term toxic is because I think often it's coming from a really good place when we ourselves are wanting to be positive in the midst of a difficult circumstance or I'm watching someone I care about go through something difficult and I'm trying to be encouraging,
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  oftentimes this is never coming from,
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  you know,
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  a cruel or intentionally harmful place.
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  It's us trying to be helpful.
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  Um and trying to be encouraging and,
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  and I think to be frank often comes from,
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  especially as an outsider,
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  maybe as a caregiver or watching someone go through something difficult.
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  We just don't know what to say,
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  right?
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  I was thinking that,
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  that it's just you don't know what to say and you certainly as a,
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  as a caregiver or an outsider,
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  you don't want to be a downer,
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  you,
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  you don't,
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  you,
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  you,
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  you know,
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  so you don't know what to do exactly.
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  Um And so I,
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  I really want to make that clear is,
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  um,
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  you know,
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  I,
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  I,
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  I think oftentimes this is coming from a good place.
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  It is not people being cruel or malicious or intentionally invalidating.
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  And so uh kind of my first recommendation maybe particularly for someone with that outsider perspective.
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  So maybe a caregiver,
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  maybe a friend or family member,
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  you're watching a loved one go through cancer or really go through anything difficult.
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  My,
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  my biggest encouragement to start would be to give yourself permission to maybe be uncomfortable or,
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  or really maybe to not know what to say.
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  I have found often in therapy,
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  talking with patients about conversations they're having with their loved ones is sometimes when we start really pushing the positivity of,
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  oh,
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  you're gonna be all right or aren't we glad that it's not worse?
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  It's not this situation.
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  It,
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  it often comes from a place that we're trying to make ourselves feel better.
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  We're trying to make ourselves feel comforted in a difficult situation.
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  I've had,
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  had many patients,
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  um,
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  who have shared with me often frustration when maybe they've been sharing with someone how difficult treatment has been and how they've been really struggling and people's response to them is well,
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  you look great,
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  you look wonderful and,
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  and how,
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  you know,
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  that's that person trying to be encouraging but to them,
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  it feels like number one,
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  you totally just didn't hear everything I just shared.
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  And number two,
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  that can come from,
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  you're trying to make yourself feel better that I'm really not that sick and that I'm gonna be ok.
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  So that's would be my first recommendation is just giving ourselves permission to maybe not know what to say or,
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  or to kind of feel that discomfort with somebody else while they're going through something tough.
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  And I seem to make certain that we are actively listening and,
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  and observing the cues of the other individual of,
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  is this a time that they need to be supported through the feelings that,
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  that they currently have?
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  So,
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  so probably just maintaining that active listening.
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  Absolutely.
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  I think context is key with these kinds of things.
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  I think oftentimes when our positivity is unhelpful is exactly when we're,
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  when we're not really listening or when we're taking,
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  not taking context into consideration.
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  So kind of like that example I just gave if somebody is sharing with you,
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  yeah,
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  I've been,
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  you know,
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  doing chemo for the past few months.
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  I feel terrible.
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  I just feel really sick and I'm just having a hard time and I hate what I look like and I've lost my hair and I feel tear.
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  You know,
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  if,
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  if someone is just expressing a struggle that is maybe a moment for,
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  for validation rather than trying to smooth that over and make it not so terrible.
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  I think those are and great opportunities to,
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  to respond with things like gosh,
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  that seems so hard.
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  Yeah,
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  I can't imagine that would be really difficult or Yeah,
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  man,
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  I think I would be having a hard time too.
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  So I,
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  I think you're exactly right that,
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  that context is key if someone is sharing something and we're thinking that maybe our positivity is appropriate in the context.
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  Maybe they're,
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  they're sharing good news.
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  Like,
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  yeah,
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  I was feeling so sick and I'm finally feeling better and I'm so excited about that.
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  Or my hair is finally growing back and I'm excited about that.
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  Absolutely.
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  Those are gonna be our cues to also be positive and sharing that excitement of,
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  oh,
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  I'm so glad to hear that.
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  I'm really encouraged and you look so good and I'm so excited about that.
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  How can a patient communicate to others?
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  Communicate to their caregiver or a friend or whoever it is that they might,
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  might be talking with that their positivity is not necessarily what's,
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  what's needed.
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  We've talked about how can an individual maybe pick up on the cue from the patient?
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  But uh how can the patient communicate that to the individual?
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  Yeah,
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  absolutely.
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  So my encouragement would always be that gentle,
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  yet assertive communication is never a bad thing.
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  You know,
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  as an outsider,
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  I think it can be really effective in these moments if you're feeling unsure how to respond to ask,
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  hey,
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  what do you need right now,
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  would it be helpful for me to give encouragement or do you just need to vent and need validation?
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  And I think similarly,
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  if,
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  if I'm the patient or if I'm the person who feel,
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  feels like I'm receiving this positivity and it's not really helpful,
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  I think to communicate that is totally appropriate.
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  Um And it doesn't have to be this huge big thing.
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  It can be something as simple as,
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  you know,
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  I,
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  I,
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  I hear you trying to be encouraging to me and I really appreciate that sometimes what I feel is even more helpful is just being validating and giving me this open space to,
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  to kind of share when I'm having a hard time,
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  you know,
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  just something as simple as that as you know,
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  sometimes when you say X Y and Z,
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  you know,
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  it can come off as invalidating and I know that's not your intention at all.
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  So maybe X Y Z would be more helpful for me,
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  you know,
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  something very simple as that because I think as from kind of from the patient perspective,
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  when we are getting a lot of these messages,
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  um those can be internalized.
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  And I think sometimes for ourselves personally,
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  we can just be just as guilty of kind of feeling that pressure to be positive.
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  I've heard that from so many patients of I'm having a hard time and I feel like I'm not supposed to be,
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  you know,
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  I'm feeling this pressure that I'm,
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  I'm supposed to be positive or often in therapy,
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  I'll hear people share they're having a really hard time and then end the statement with,
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  but I would be ok or I would be fine,
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  you know,
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  totally invalidate everything they just said.
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  And I think it comes from that discomfort with our own difficult feelings.
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  And so that could be another you know,
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  would be another encouragement as well as is to maybe practice validating your own feelings.
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  There's kind of this idea of practicing self compassion and for someone who's maybe struggling,
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  it might be a great thing to look into.
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  And it's really just this idea idea of when we're struggling to just give yourself a moment to acknowledge.
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  This is a moment of suffering.
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  This is really tough what I'm going through right now and then maybe asking ourselves,
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  what do I need?
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  What would be helpful for me?
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  Would it be helpful to,
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  you know,
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  maybe encourage myself in this way or focus on something positive or practice gratitude or would it be helpful for me?
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  Maybe to just sit and hang out in this slow place?
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  Because I think really at the end of the day,
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  we,
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  we get to do both,
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  we get to acknowledge both the good and the bad of our circumstance.
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  I think often we feel like we gotta be positive or negative like we got to align with one camp when I,
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  I truly believe that we get to practice gratitude of,
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  I'm so glad I'm still here.
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  I'm so glad my prognosis is good and also still validate.
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  This treatment is really hard or I'm really struggling in this area.
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  So yeah,
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  I think a certain of communication and the just practicing that validation with ourselves can go a long way.
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  Bethany as we wrap up today.
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  I think what kind of a great statement to end on is that we get to do both and that it is ok and communication is,
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  is difficult but being the active listener and being open in those communication lines is so important for both the patient and the caregiver.
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  Absolutely.
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  Thank you so much for joining us today.
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  Thank you.
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  Thank you for listening to cancer.
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