Latest / The Kelly Jedele Show / Strong Doesn't Mean Solo: Why Ambitious Moms Need a Squad
Transcript
- Kelly Jedele: you didn't fail at friendship. You got really good at not needing anyone. And then wondered why you felt so alone. Mine was the time lie. When my daughter was in the middle of her childhood, my life was busy, right? Relatable. She was in theater and dance and had a full load of school and had very high expectations for everything in life. And my business was growing and needing me. So friendships honestly felt like a lot of work and a lot of maintenance to me. I hate saying that, but it it felt like that at the time. Kelly intro: Hey, I'm Kelly Yataly, and this is the Kelly Yataly Show. Here's the lie we've been sold that you have to pick: the career or the kid, the big vision or the bedtime story. I'm calling it. That's not the deal. You can have both. I have built businesses for the last 16 years as a single mom. And you can do it without hustling yourself into the ground, but by choosing strategically every single day. This show is for the woman who wants the business, the brand, the freedom, and the family. All of it. So grab your coffee, your kids' juice box, whatever you got in your hand. Let's get into it. Kelly Jedele: Hello and welcome back to the Kelly Yateley Show. I'm so glad to have you back. Today we're going to be talking about the strong mom. We're talking about the mom that's independent, out there getting things done, doing the business, creating the lives for everyone, out there, you know, just making the world work. And about the lies, about how we have to do it alone and we think that we have to do it all by ourselves. It can be so, so lonely when we're out there just really fighting for everything that we want. And we make stuff up about why we're alone. It doesn't have to be that way. So this episode names that, and then I'll give you a simple map for building real community in the exact season that you're in. Not the one that you'll have when the business slows down or when the mother-in-law gets into the senior living facility or when the kids are grown. This is for right now. right in the stage of life that you're at. Strong was never supposed to mean solo. It was supposed to mean surrounded. There were several nights when I was raising my daughter that she would go to bed and I would finish invoicing, prepping for the next day, a project, anything like that. And I'd turn off the office light and it would be 11 o'clock. And I would look around, you know, and I it's too late to text anyone, too late to call anyone. And and I just couldn't connect. So I was by myself. And if you've ever had a night something like that, when you're surrounded by people you need that need you, and you still feel completely alone, this one is for you. So this episode, episode 10, strong does not mean solo. This is for the ambitious moms who are quietly running on empty in the friendship department. And almost no one says it out loud, right? By the end of today's show, you'll know the five people every ambitious mom needs in her corner, and one small brave move to start building your squad this week. This is what we need. There are three ways that isolation quietly kills ambition. When you isolate yourself, you are killing and starving your ambition. So, first, it shrinks your vision. With no one to think out loud with and talk to, your dreams get quieter and safer. Ambition needs witnesses. It needs people to play along and build on the ideas and give a little cheering and some rah rah, right? And also, it makes every setback feel like proof, like you're building proof against why you shouldn't be doing something. Alone it can it can be a hard week and you say, see, this is why I can't do this. But in community, it's just a regular Tuesday. Like shit happens. So it's just gonna happen and your friends will say that to you. When you're in isolation, it also burns the fuel you need to keep going. That's the third point. Isolation is exhausting. It really pulls on your energy. You can't pour from a cup no one is helping you refill. Like refilling your life with energy from other people can really help. Whether you're an extrovert or an introvert, those relationships really, really matter. And the data backs up these things. So roughly two in three US parents say the demands of parenting leave them feeling isolated and lonely. Mom's reporting it most acutely. Nearly 80% of parents say they wish they had a way to connect with other parents outside the home. The US Surgeon General has called loneliness an epidemic. That's true. With health effects, researchers compare to smoking around 15 cigarettes a day and about 29% higher risk of early death. So you're not being dramatic, you're not being needy. You're in the exact spot the research says most of us are quietly standing in. That's not good. Two years after my dad died, my stepmom that raised me had passed eight years prior, and my two managers at my cleaning company quit the week after his funeral. I felt so alone and very, very isolated. I had to put my head down and run my business and deal with the grief of losing my dad, my second parent. I had friends that reached out, but I I didn't have the bandwidth for socializing. Like being out in public just really, really didn't feel good. I wouldn't I would last about 10 minutes. So this actually pulled me away from my friends by not asking them to show up for me and just fill in the void of my emotions and my deep loneliness all by myself. I could have asked. I could have just said, I don't know what I want. I don't know what you can do, but will you just come by? Like I now looking back, I think that would have been a very good request. But in the moment, I just didn't know to ask that. So there are four traps that isolate ambitious moms. The first one is the competence cage. And I know you know this one. The better you are at handling things, the less anyone thinks to check on you. Like you're independent, she's fine. They're checking on, you know, everyone else who's failing at life, but you're doing great, so no one's checking on you. You're the strong, quiet one that, you know, just disqualifies you from being cared for. Like no one's out there checking on you, calling you, and thinking because you've been quiet that you're okay. And we know that's not always true, right? So the competence cage. The other trap is the time lie. I know this one's true for me. We tell ourselves we'll invest in friendships, right? When things calm down. They don't. Community isn't what you do after you build the life. It's what makes the life buildable. It's what you do inside of what you're doing, alongside, with it. Another trap is the comparison wall. This is true, right? Ambition plus social media makes every other mom look like a rival or a highlight reel. Like it doesn't ever look real. Both of you. are making you hide. You can't be known by people. You're too busy measuring yourself against other people. So the comparison wall. And the other one, the fourth one, the final one, the self-sufficiency story. Somewhere you learn that needing people is weakness. And we're so freaking independent, right? So you become a giver who can't receive. You highlight yourself as being someone who can give, but you can't actually receive that friendship or the things you need in your life. It's a one-way relationship. And that's an audience, that's not community. So you didn't fail at friendship. You got really good at not needing anyone. And then wondered why you felt so alone. Mine was the time lie. When my daughter was in the middle of her childhood, my life was busy, right? Relatable. She was in theater and dance and had a full load of school and had very high expectations for everything in life. And my business was growing and needing me. So friendships honestly felt like a lot of work and a lot of maintenance to me. I hate saying that, but it it felt like that at the time. And I thought that I would make more time when things got easier. Like when life got easier. I don't know when life is gonna get easier. I don't ever see that. So what I want to share with you now is what I wish I had heard 10 years ago. You don't need a bigger circle. You need the right five roles filled. Your personal board of directors for this season. So the five roles. The first one is the mirror. I love this one. A peer in your exact season who gets it. No explaining required. And why you need them. You need them so you feel normal. instead of alone and she reflects back that you're not crazy or failing. So if you've got four kids and they're like ages two to six or that's that math doesn't work, but two to two to ten, then And she's got the same, then you guys are struggling through, you know, laundry and food and meals and school and traveling and all of that, you really can bounce those things off each other and feel normal. But if you have a friend, you know, she's single and you've got four kids, a lot of times that isn't a good, match for that particular stage in life or for that particular friendship, right? that's not the thing that you need with that friendship. Another role that you need is the map. Someone a few steps ahead of you who's walked where you're going. So maybe someone, if you have kids from two to ten, they've got teenagers. Or if they're just, if you're just starting your business, she's had her business for two or three years. Just a few steps ahead of you. And so that person helps you and you need them so that you can borrow hope and skip avoidance. unavoidable potholes. This really helps you in life. And it's also proof that it's possible. You can watch her step ahead of you and really learn that those things happen in life and are okay and you can do it too. So you're getting the proof. So and the next role is the megaphone. This is the champion. The champion who believes in you out loud and opens doors. She introduces you to people, she shows you podcasts you may need. She's out there running around trying to get you whatever item that she thinks that you need. She's out there championing for you. And the reason why you need her is so your ambition has a witness. She has a witness and an advocate when you can't advocate for yourself. And that that goes across many, many sides of life. You know, if you're losing a partner, losing a pet, losing a friendship, you know, like whatever. They or or gaining, you know, like whenever transition you're in life, they are key for that part. Another role that's really ideal in our squad is the anchor. This friendship is the sole-level person who reminds you who you are and you are beyond the achievements. So she really tells you your soul and reminds you who you are, brings you back to your core. And she's important because your worth stays steady when the wins and losses don't. So she helps you with that and keeps you grounded. And that is very pivotal because you don't want to get your head too big and wild if you, you know, start seeing some successes, but you have a failure or two and you don't want to pull yourself out of the ground, right? So you need that person that really grounds you and reminds you who you are. And that's the anchor. And then the the fifth one is the muscle. This role is the practical village. This role is the one who brings the meal, takes the carpool, shows up. We need this person. You need this person so the logistics of a big life don't crush you. You could actually lean on this person. And this happens sometimes when bad things do happen in life. If you have a surgery, I know that happened for me. If you have you know death of a loved one something like that that person can really step in but sometimes it's just regular daily life that you need help with right it's not always a special situation so this person is key so those five roles of a squad the mirror the map the megaphone the anchor and the muscle No single friend has to be all five of those. that's not the thing. You don't want a bestie that does all of that. That's that's not realistic. And if a couple of those are empty right now, like you don't particularly have one of them, there's nothing wrong with you or life. That's just on your to-do list of people to look out for that you might need in your life. For me, my map friends are Susan and Holly. Susan and Holly are a few steps ahead of me and they really, really love me and believe in me so much. I turn to them when when life gets hard or if I need, you know, just some ideas on something or I need support and they are always there for me. I have megaphone friends, the ones that come to mind are Jody and and Tara. Tara that they're they're those. Two are my joy, and I can't get enough of those two. They are the megaphone, they are the champions of me and anything I'm doing. They are there, and I absolutely love them and need them for that. And and several other things. Like their friendships mean a lot to me in many ways. And then my anchor friend, my friend Jocelyn, she is my soul-level friend that just reminds me who I am. She can turn me around to my soul in just one breath of her voice, from like a voice note or A phone call just really quick. And I have several other people in my life that mean so much, and I'm I'm really grateful. I'm really grateful. So, how do we build it? How do we build a squad? I have a framework for us to break it down. And it's REACH. R E A C H Reach. It's REACH. A way to build this squad and what it looks like to put this all in action, like to get these people in your life. So let's start with R, recognize. You have to name the gap without shame. Which of the five roles are full and which ones are empty? You can't build what you won't admit is missing. So you have to ask yourself: do I need a person who's the muscle that's actually the village person that's gonna help me with logistics? Like that person is the one that's maybe picking up a kid from carpool or helping you with the relationship conversation, you know, those things. Like, is that person missing in your life? Do you recognize which person, which feeling is happening when you're lonely on a Saturday night? Like, what do you need in your life? Which role is missing for friendships. And then the second of reach is E. Evaluate. Look at who's already near you. Like look at the people in your life. Most of your squad is already in your life. Who could roll into a role with a little attention? Like who could you actually build into a little bit more of a closer friend that you could that could fill into one of those roles? She's probably already in your life. The A is ask this one. Make the brave first move. Send the text and extend the invite. Say the thing that's true. I'd love a friend in this season. Then ask. ask the the fields are huge and this lands. This lands for them. So ask someone to get together. And it's not always the first time. It's like the second, fourth, fifth. That's when friendship happens, right? It's not a magical number, but it's definitely not the first time to get together. The C is consistency, community compounds. So it's here. One coffee isn't a friendship. It's the fourth one. It's putting yourself in that friendship continually, getting together. Put the recurring thing on the calendar and protect it. Like it's a meeting. Like don't don't schedule over it. Don't be like, I can reschedule her. Don't do that. Put it on the calendar and guard it with your life. And the last is H hold. Protect it and reciprocate. Be someone's mirror, map, or muscle. The fastest way to get a squad is to start being one. R-E-A-C-H. Recognize, evaluate, ask. Consistency and hold. You don't find your people by waiting to be chosen. You find your squad by being brave first. It's smaller than the movies. Two or three real people beats a big group chat that you're performing in. It's messier than the highlight reel. Like friendships are voice memos at odd hours. A friend who folds your laundry while you cry. It's real. It's not curated. It isn't something that you plan it just happens in life. And it's mutual. It's not one way. You call, she calls, you text, she texts. Like it, there's things that are needed on both. You get to receive, not just give. If you're always just giving. You might need to find some new friends, right? I hate saying that. Being needed is not the same as being known. And it it builds in minutes, not weekends. So you don't have a free Saturday, you have a walking phone call. Use that, use what you have. Like I love a walk, a walk date with a friend. You know, you get to exercise, you're out in nature, and you're sharing time with each other. So that's awesome. you were never meant to carry a big life with two hands and no one beside you. Strong was never, never solo. Strong is surrounded, and you get to start building that. This week. This week, do one reach move, one of those things. Send one brave text to one person who could be part of your squad. One of those things, one of those roles that's missing in your life. Reach out to someone. Grab the free find your squad workbook in the show notes that I have. I'm putting a workbook in there to map your five and plan your first move. Like see what's actually working. Journal with the the workbook that I have and see what's missing and what you might have that could fill in those pieces. Then tell me, tell me who your anchor is. DM me or leave it in a review. I read. Everything. So thank you so much for sharing your time with me today. That's it. Your life can look so much different in just a few weeks with the right steps to create your squad. I know it will change. I know it will work. I'm building a community of women that support each other as we grow our lives and businesses within my coaching group. If you'd like more information on that as it opens up, sign up in my link tree That'll be in the show notes or on my Instagram. Page and we can work together to build your squad. Take care, and we will see you next week. Thanks for coming. Kelly: That's it for this week. If something in this episode hit, do me a favor. Send it to one woman in your life who needs to hear it. That's how this community grows, one honest conversation at a time. Follow the show, leave a review, and come find me on Instagram. I read everything. Remember, strong doesn't mean solo. I'll see you next week.