Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #333 An 18 Year Old at the Crossroads

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#333 An 18 Year Old at the Crossroads · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers me now.
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Speaker 2: Because parents, we've got this wonderful hindsight of experience that
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Speaker 2: tells us this road could not will but this road
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Speaker 2: could be dangerous.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 3: Gooday. This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of a
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Speaker 3: bunch of books about making families happy. Here with Kylie,
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Speaker 3: my wife, mum to our six daughters and the expert
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Speaker 3: in making families happy. Is that right? Do you like that?
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Speaker 3: You're so funny? And we have got a doozy of
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Speaker 3: a question today. Every Tuesday we take listener questions email
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Speaker 3: us podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. I'm
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Speaker 3: surprised that we haven't been getting more lockdown questions because
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Speaker 3: with half the country and lockdown again or thereabouts New
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Speaker 3: South Wales obviously the whole state, we've got Victoria not
1:00
Speaker 3: looking good and I'm expecting the lockdown questions are coming,
1:04
Speaker 3: but we don't have any at the moment. So this
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Speaker 3: one from somebody who we're going to keep anonymous. She
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Speaker 3: was okay with us using her name, but I think
1:11
Speaker 3: given the nature of the question, we should keep it anonymous.
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Speaker 3: This is a real tricky one and before we read
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Speaker 3: the question, we need to acknowledge we have had direct
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Speaker 3: experience with this, and it's heartbreaking and challenging, and I
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Speaker 3: think it's possibly, Kylie, one of the most difficult experiences
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Speaker 3: that we've ever had in our entire life.
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Speaker 2: This really really stretched us as individuals, as a couple,
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Speaker 2: and as parents and.
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Speaker 3: As a family. I mean, it's the repercussions continue in
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Speaker 3: our home. Fortunately we've managed to learn a lot through
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Speaker 3: it and learned to love through it. But it's tough
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Speaker 3: for any parent to go through. So why don't you
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Speaker 3: read the question, Kylie, and then we'll talk about what
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Speaker 3: some solutions may be to help families who are going
1:54
Speaker 3: through this particular challenge.
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Speaker 2: She said, how do I respect and accept my eighteen
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Speaker 2: year old for who she wants to be while she
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Speaker 2: is growing and experimenting Whilst it differs to the values
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Speaker 2: and the morals that we have in our home. My
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Speaker 2: eldest feels upset that we are not respecting her choices,
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Speaker 2: but we are just trying to allow the other two children,
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Speaker 2: especially the three year old, to grow up in an
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Speaker 2: age appropriate manner without the influences that we don't agree with.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, what a tough one. So, having been profoundly affected
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Speaker 3: by this ourselves, we've got some runs on the board
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Speaker 3: and we've got a bit of science supporting the things
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Speaker 3: that we think we can share to help this challenged parent.
2:30
Speaker 3: And this is kind of the thing, right As parents,
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Speaker 3: our job is to make ourselves redundant. But at the
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Speaker 3: same time, we try so hard to transmit our values
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Speaker 3: because we want our children to make safe, healthy, wise decisions.
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Speaker 3: And it just so happens that the morality, the values
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Speaker 3: that we choose to live our lives by, we tend
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Speaker 3: to think good ones, right, I mean, if we like
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Speaker 3: the way we live. And this is the same in
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Speaker 3: every single family. When we see a child making decisions
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Speaker 3: that are not consistent with our values, it's confronting, it's provoking,
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Speaker 3: and sometimes it's stressful and frustrating.
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Speaker 2: Well, I think for the most part, as we watch
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Speaker 2: our children start to make decisions, there's so many fears
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Speaker 2: around the choices that they're making because they don't have
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Speaker 2: the maturity, they don't have the experience to know where
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Speaker 2: this road will lead them. And as parents, we've got
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Speaker 2: this wonderful hindsight of experience that tells us this road
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Speaker 2: could not will but this road could be dangerous, or
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Speaker 2: this road could lead to heartbreak, or this road could
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Speaker 2: lead to any number of things.
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Speaker 3: So the conversation that I always have with our kids is,
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Speaker 3: you know what life is so exciting for you? Right now?
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Speaker 3: You've climbed eighteen rungs up the ladder of life, and
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Speaker 3: the view is incredible. You can see more than you've
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Speaker 3: ever been able to see before. The vistas are stunning,
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Speaker 3: and you just want to go and explore that world. Hey,
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Speaker 3: guess what, kiddo, your dad or your mum, we've climbed
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Speaker 3: forty something or fifty something rungs on that ladder of life.
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Speaker 3: And while we can't see the detail, we're a long
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Speaker 3: way from the ground. Now we can see around corners,
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Speaker 3: we can see through the shadows, we can see past
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Speaker 3: the trees and the forests. We know what's coming and
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Speaker 3: we want to keep it safe. But they're kind of like, no, no, no, no,
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Speaker 3: you're too far away. Now, you're so far up there
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Speaker 3: you can't see what's on the ground well, and you've
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Speaker 3: forgot it and you've forgotten what it's like to be me. Yeah,
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Speaker 3: you need the binoculars, and nobody passed them to you.
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Speaker 3: Up that high, you just can't see what's going on.
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Speaker 3: So it's a really tough thing. And I reckon the
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Speaker 3: first thing to highlight I've spoken to so many parents
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Speaker 3: who have been through this is there is a legitimate
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Speaker 3: grieving process that we go through as parents when now
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Speaker 3: children get to that age where they are absolutely unequivocally saying,
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Speaker 3: it's my life, I'm going to do it my way,
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Speaker 3: and when it's not consistent with what you hoped it
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Speaker 3: would be, you grieve as a parent. You literally you
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Speaker 3: have to say goodbye to the hopes and dreams. And
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Speaker 3: I know a lot of people are going to be
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Speaker 3: listening to this and going, oh, but we're so enlightened,
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Speaker 3: and you should just be letting your children live their life,
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Speaker 3: and it is their life, and that's a parent's job
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Speaker 3: is to let go. But after investing for eighteen years,
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Speaker 3: particularly when there are some values that you might hold,
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Speaker 3: particularly the particularly close, to see children turn around and
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Speaker 3: drop them and maybe even be aggressive about them, or
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Speaker 3: just to flaunt an alternative lifestyle in your face that
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Speaker 3: you never saw coming. The only word that I can
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Speaker 3: use is grief, and.
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Speaker 2: I think for most parents, again, when you find yourself
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Speaker 2: in this situation, often not all the time, but often
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Speaker 2: it feels like you've been blindsided. Because most kids, unless
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Speaker 2: they're being particularly rebellious in the lead up, will kind
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Speaker 2: of stay their ground long enough to reach adulthood before
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Speaker 2: they open up the floodgates and kind of find their voice,
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Speaker 2: so to speak, and being able to share the things
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Speaker 2: that they want to do. And they get to that
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Speaker 2: point and they just want to be who they want
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Speaker 2: to be and they don't want any in flats from you.
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Speaker 2: They don't want you to have a say, and they
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Speaker 2: can't understand why you're not happy.
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Speaker 3: So it's really interesting because I know plenty of parents
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Speaker 3: whose kids grow up and they just continued the same
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Speaker 3: sort of way of life that their parents had. And
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Speaker 3: that might be that they joined dad down at the pub,
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Speaker 3: or it might mean that they stay active in the
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Speaker 3: same faith, or they join at the local Nippers surf
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Speaker 3: club and continue to volunteer. A lot of kids will
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Speaker 3: just sort of go the same path. But there are
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Speaker 3: some times that there are values that we hold deer
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Speaker 3: and the kids are just like, no, I'm not going
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Speaker 3: to do it not going there, and I think that's
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Speaker 3: kind of where this is coming from. So that's the
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Speaker 3: first thing that I wanted to highlight. Second thing that
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Speaker 3: I wanted to highlight. I don't think that we need
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Speaker 3: to be too concerned about what the younger siblings are
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Speaker 3: going to see in their older siblings decisions. I know,
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Speaker 3: so I'm the oldest of six kids, you're the oldest
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Speaker 3: of three. And when I look at our two families,
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Speaker 3: each child has grown up and made completely their own decisions,
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Speaker 3: and you would imagine, looking at the way those lives
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Speaker 3: have gone, that those decisions have been made pretty well
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Speaker 3: independently of what the other siblings have done. And I
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Speaker 3: look at even our own kids now as they grow,
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Speaker 3: they don't actually seem to be I'm not going to
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Speaker 3: say there's zero influence, but the level of influence of
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Speaker 3: the older siblings doesn't strike me as being particularly strong.
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Speaker 3: And I don't know of any research that shows that
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Speaker 3: siblings are really going to be that big of an
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Speaker 3: influence on other siblings, especially older to younger.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest impact that other siblings will have
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Speaker 2: is when there is contention in the home, regardless of
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Speaker 2: the choices that your child is making if you are
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Speaker 2: constantly in battle with one another, that tension, that conflict,
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Speaker 2: that is going to have the biggest influence.
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Speaker 3: So after the break, we're going to talk about how
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Speaker 3: to minimize the conflict and how to actually work through
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Speaker 3: and explore, explain, empower kind of conversation with an eighteen
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Speaker 3: year old who really does want to live their own life,
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Speaker 3: particularly when it's not consistently your values or the way
8:01
Speaker 3: that you want things to be done in your home.
8:03
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
8:06
Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
8:09
Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
8:11
Speaker 4: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
8:14
Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
8:18
Speaker 4: families dot com, dot au slash shop.
8:21
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we
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Speaker 2: are talking about a really tricky issue. You're eighteen year
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Speaker 2: old decides that they want to go their own way.
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Speaker 3: It's my life. Let me live it the way I want,
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Speaker 3: but by the way, I'm going to do it under
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Speaker 3: your roof. And that's the challenge, isn't it right. I
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Speaker 3: often think to myself, if the child would just move
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Speaker 3: out and live their own life somewhere else, so that
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Speaker 3: you've got that distance, it's much a I mean, they're
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Speaker 3: still going to be grief, there's still going to be sadness,
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Speaker 3: there's still going to be concerned, fear, worry, all that
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Speaker 3: sort of stuff. But when your child is not near you,
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Speaker 3: you can kind of deal with a little bit better.
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Speaker 3: But when they're doing it under your roof, it's like, gosh,
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Speaker 3: this is really tough. So this is what I reckon
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Speaker 3: is going to be helpful. And Kylie, you've been there
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Speaker 3: with me. We've worked through it, and who knows, we'll
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Speaker 3: probably get to work through it again with some of
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Speaker 3: our other kids because that's the nature of raising children.
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Speaker 3: The first thing to remember is that force creates resistance.
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Speaker 3: So we've got to get connection right. We've got to
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Speaker 3: stop fighting with the kids, which is kind of impossible
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Speaker 3: because they're having this in your face values challenge on
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Speaker 3: a day to day basis. But it doesn't work. Force
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Speaker 3: creates resistance. What force actually looks like to a child
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Speaker 3: is rejection. If you're trying to force me to do
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Speaker 3: it your way, what you're doing is you're saying that
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Speaker 3: you're rejecting me as a person. You do not I'm
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Speaker 3: not good enough, I'm not worthy, you don't accept me.
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Speaker 3: You said it so beautifully. The idea that we want
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Speaker 3: to minimize the extent which there is contention in our home.
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Speaker 3: That is the central thing, and that all comes down
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Speaker 3: to how much we are correcting and directing versus how
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Speaker 3: much we're connecting. Reality is, when you've got an eighteen
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Speaker 3: year old whos saying leave me alone, it's my life.
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Speaker 3: You can't make me, there's going to be a lot
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Speaker 3: more correction and direction than there is connection. It's that
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Speaker 3: whole force creates resistance. So here's what I would be saying. Firstly,
10:13
Speaker 3: and you want to say this really gently. Now that
10:15
Speaker 3: you're eighteen, I've satisfied my obligations to you as a parent.
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Speaker 3: You're an adult.
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Speaker 1: Now.
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Speaker 3: That means that while I will always be here to
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Speaker 3: support you and I absolutely love you, I no longer
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Speaker 3: have an obligation to tell you how to live your
10:30
Speaker 3: life or what to do. And I'm going to be
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Speaker 3: sad about that, and I'm going to grieve because I'm
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Speaker 3: always going to want the best for you, or what
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Speaker 3: I believe is the best. But right now what I
10:39
Speaker 3: believe is the best, you disagree with me on so
10:42
Speaker 3: I have to let go of that. Number Two, because
10:45
Speaker 3: you're now an adult, we don't have a financial responsibility
10:49
Speaker 3: for you anymore. You actually are the person who's responsible
10:52
Speaker 3: for you.
10:52
Speaker 2: Now.
10:53
Speaker 3: If you've never had this conversation before, you might want
10:55
Speaker 3: to give them. So we're going to give you a
10:56
Speaker 3: three month grace period. We're going to continue to support
10:59
Speaker 3: you for the next three months, but at that point,
11:01
Speaker 3: you've either got to be earning full time or learning
11:03
Speaker 3: full time and figuring out a way that you can
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Speaker 3: live your life. Number Three, if you wish to live
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Speaker 3: your life in a manner that is not consistent with
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Speaker 3: the values that we hold dear to us in this
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Speaker 3: home and in this family, we accept that we're sad
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Speaker 3: about it, but it won't stop us loving you, and
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Speaker 3: you'll always be welcome here. However, we ask that if
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Speaker 3: you're going to choose to act inconsistently with our values,
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Speaker 3: that you do not do it under our roof, That
11:32
Speaker 3: you do not do it on our property, That you
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Speaker 3: did not do it in view of Mum, Dad, the
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Speaker 3: other siblings, whoever, and I don't think that that's an
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Speaker 3: inappropriate thing to do.
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Speaker 2: I don't think that that's inappropriate either. I mean, if
11:44
Speaker 2: you are married to a mechanic, you wouldn't let him
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Speaker 2: bring his car engine in and start pulling it apart.
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Speaker 3: On the cart exact.
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Speaker 2: We all have rules in our home, whether they're spoken
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Speaker 2: or not. Hopefully you don't have to have that comversation
12:00
Speaker 2: with your mechanic husband. But while it is, you don't
12:04
Speaker 2: that there are certain things that just are not appropriate
12:08
Speaker 2: in your home.
12:09
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, so let's pick another reason.
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Speaker 4: One.
12:11
Speaker 3: Let's say you've always taught your kids not to smoke,
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Speaker 3: and now you've got an eighteen year old who's decided
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Speaker 3: to smoke. And I think it's completely reasonable for a
12:19
Speaker 3: parent to say, if that's what you choose to do,
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Speaker 3: we're sad about it, we're disappointed. We don't think that
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Speaker 3: it's healthy, we don't think it's safe, we don't think
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Speaker 3: it's wise, But if you choose to do it. As
12:26
Speaker 3: much as it breaks our heart that you're choosing to
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Speaker 3: do it, because we've always raised you to be healthy
12:29
Speaker 3: and look after your body, your choice, but in our home,
12:34
Speaker 3: we don't smoke. We don't smoke. In this house. We
12:36
Speaker 3: don't smoke in bedrooms, we don't smoke on the balcony,
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Speaker 3: we don't smoke on our property.
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Speaker 2: We don't have other people show up and smoke in
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Speaker 2: our house, right, and.
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Speaker 3: We would do the same thing like you and I.
12:45
Speaker 3: We have a no course language rule, and so we
12:48
Speaker 3: would expect that in our home, regardless of what goes
12:51
Speaker 3: on outside the home, that the kids respect that in
12:53
Speaker 3: our home. So that's kind of the conversation I'd be
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Speaker 3: recommending with the eighteen year other, and then I'd be saying, so,
13:00
Speaker 3: if you're not comfortable with that, over the next couple
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Speaker 3: of months, we will support you as you do your
13:05
Speaker 3: very best to work out whose couch you're going to
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Speaker 3: sleep on or are you going to hang out, or
13:09
Speaker 3: how you are going to move things forward from here,
13:12
Speaker 3: because we're not forcing you to live our life or
13:16
Speaker 3: our values, but we are going to ask that if
13:18
Speaker 3: you want to continue living here, you're financially providing for
13:22
Speaker 3: yourself because you're eighteen, you're earning, or you're learning full time,
13:26
Speaker 3: because we won't be able to support you ongoingly. It's
13:29
Speaker 3: not our job anymore. You're eighteen, and if you're going
13:31
Speaker 3: to stay here, we're going to ask that you are
13:35
Speaker 3: going to live consistently with those values.
13:37
Speaker 2: The other day, we actually touched on those three psychological
13:41
Speaker 2: needs that each of our children need, and we talked
13:45
Speaker 2: about relatedness or connection yep, and how important that is
13:50
Speaker 2: to your relationship. We talked about competence that our kids
13:53
Speaker 2: need to feel that they're capable of making decisions, and
13:56
Speaker 2: then we talked about autonomy. And the reality is we
13:59
Speaker 2: watch as our kids get older, their desire for autonomy
14:04
Speaker 2: gets stronger and stronger.
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Speaker 3: I think it's the central psychological need as they get older.
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Speaker 3: I think it becomes the most important one in parenting.
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Speaker 2: And if we can as they start working their way
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Speaker 2: through those teenage years, if we can actually start to
14:19
Speaker 2: let go in small and simple steps, then letting go
14:24
Speaker 2: as an eighteen year old becomes.
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Speaker 3: A little bit easier.
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Speaker 2: It's still hard, and I think that every parent goes
14:29
Speaker 2: through that grieving period regardless of whether the children are
14:32
Speaker 2: making good decisions or difficult decisions, because it's hard. You've
14:36
Speaker 2: invested eighteen years of your life to them and given
14:40
Speaker 2: them your whole heart through that process, and so I
14:44
Speaker 2: think that regardless of the choices they're making, it's hard.
14:46
Speaker 2: It becomes harder when you're having to let go of
14:49
Speaker 2: goals and dreams and thoughts of the future that you
14:52
Speaker 2: had for them.
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Speaker 3: We really hope that this is useful for those of
14:56
Speaker 3: you with big kids who are going through this kind
14:58
Speaker 3: of thing, or with little kids and you're really scared
14:59
Speaker 3: that you're going to go through this thing. The central
15:01
Speaker 3: thing I reckon it still comes down to connection. Nothing
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Speaker 3: that you can do is going to be so big
15:07
Speaker 3: that I'll stop loving you. You will always always be loved,
15:10
Speaker 3: and you'll always be welcome. But just when you're here,
15:12
Speaker 3: keep to our values, please, because that's how we do
15:15
Speaker 3: it in our home. It's just respect, it's consideration. The
15:18
Speaker 3: Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media,
15:22
Speaker 3: and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Tomorrow, for those
15:25
Speaker 3: of you who are raising teenagers who are getting ready
15:28
Speaker 3: for their big end of year exams, although everything's been
15:32
Speaker 3: thrown to chaos because of COVID nineteen and lockdowns, we're
15:36
Speaker 3: still going to be talking with Katie Jones. Katie Jones
15:39
Speaker 3: is from Rock Solid Study, and she's going to tell
15:42
Speaker 3: us the three huge mistakes that students make in exams
15:45
Speaker 3: and assignments and give us a whole lot of super
15:48
Speaker 3: practical tips and ways for kids to transform their grades.
15:53
Speaker 3: That's all happening tomorrow on the podcast, and on Thursday,
15:56
Speaker 3: we're looking at the Doctor's Desk, including a conversation at
16:00
Speaker 3: burnout in parents in forty two countries across the globe,
16:05
Speaker 3: Plus a brand new spanking study that tells us exactly
16:10
Speaker 3: what's going on for our kids when we give them
16:12
Speaker 3: a whack. That's all coming up on the Happy Families podcast.
16:16
Speaker 3: I can't wait to share it with you in the meantime.
16:17
Speaker 3: If you'd like more ongoing support for your family to
16:20
Speaker 3: make them happier, check out our Happy Families memberships. You
16:22
Speaker 3: can get all the info at happy families dot com
16:24
Speaker 3: dot I U