Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Extroverts & Introverts - We Make Colorful Families | Ep. 57

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Extroverts & Introverts - We Make Colorful Families | Ep. 57 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:56
  Danae: I had such a great weekend this weekend.
• 0:57
  Danae: Oh really?
• 0:58
  Danae: What did you guys do?
• 1:00
  Danae: I know some of it.
• 1:00
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:01
  Danae: On Saturday when you were there, Cheryl.
• 1:03
  Danae: That, um, my daughter's wedding shower.
• 1:07
  Danae: It seemed like it was going to be so far away.
• 1:10
  Danae: And here we are, So it was a beautiful day.
• 1:13
  Danae: It was supposed to be rainy.
• 1:14
  Danae: Oh.
• 1:15
  Danae: And, But she wanted to have it outside.
• 1:17
  Danae: She had her heart set and I kept just kind of just mentioning.
• 1:23
  Danae: So, you know, you may not be able to, you know, I mean, it's the worst thing to have, like your daughter, your child disappointed.
• 1:30
  Danae: Such a special day.
• 1:32
  Danae: And we got there, it was a little chilly, and then the sun broke through the cloud.
• 1:36
  Danae: It was like, it was beautiful.
• 1:38
  Danae: I thought should be singing that the Disney princesses or something.
• 1:41
  Danae: It, it really was.
• 1:42
  Danae: It was beautiful.
• 1:43
  Danae: It was
• 1:43
  Cheryl: everything she wanted.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: Well, it was really fun for me because, you know, I've loved Bria a long time.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:49
  Cheryl: And she was full of joy.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: I know.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: I just saw her relish in it.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: enjoy it.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: And even saying, No, let's not do this.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: So I wanna do this.
• 2:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:01
  Danae: She was really surprised.
• 2:02
  Danae: She hadn't thought about so many childhood friends being there.
• 2:06
  Danae: Oh.
• 2:06
  Danae: And they did this really.
• 2:08
  Danae: Special activity where everybody wrote down a memory of her.
• 2:12
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 2:13
  Danae: Wow.
• 2:13
  Danae: And then we all had to guess who had the memory.
• 2:17
  Danae: Oh, that's cause she got to read them out.
• 2:19
  Danae: And the childhood memories, you know, so much of what I have shared on this podcast about my kids growing up and playing with Cheryls.
• 2:28
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:29
  Danae: Kids and, and other friends, children, you know, And I learned some things.
• 2:33
  Danae: You guys
• 2:35
  Christie: Any statues?
• 2:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:36
  Christie: I like,
• 2:37
  Danae: I thought yes, I was like, Well, I, thought you were all really well behaved.
• 2:45
  Danae: Didn't know
• 2:46
  Cheryl: there are some shenanigans that got revealed.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:50
  Cheryl: That's funny.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: But it was a joy to see her.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: just.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: basking in that.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:57
  Danae: So How fun.
• 2:58
  Danae: It's a lot of fun.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: Be fun to make you tired or was it just all fun?
• 3:06
  Danae: Oh, I don't know.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: Well, the reason I'm asking if it made you tired is because, um, been thinking about what we could talk about today.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: and, uh, came across an article and that burned it.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: And then I've had a lot of parents asked me about a certain area, and it does have to do with energy.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: And so it has to do with introversion and extroversion.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:33
  Cheryl: And parents who tend to be on the introvert scale saying, What do I do?
• 3:37
  Cheryl: How do I handle my children?
• 3:39
  Cheryl: I don't have all the energy I feel like I need to or extroverts kind of saying, What do I do?
• 3:45
  Cheryl: I have so much energy and my children are quieter.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: I don't know, What do I do?
• 3:50
  Cheryl: just this kind of battle.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: And that's why I was asking you about Yeah.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: Energy, because I thought we would get in today about parenting and nurturing our children with introversion and extroversion.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: as I've processed and we've processed, I think it's a bigger issue mm.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: it's not just a black and white where you fall, but this beautifully mixed continuum and there's lots of
• 4:13
  Ellen: variables.
• 4:14
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:14
  Ellen: Within each
• 4:15
  Cheryl: of those, Absolutely.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: So as we talk about it, I wanted to kind of try to define the words a little better and to avoid stigma or prejudice one word against the other.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: And personally and what you were kind of describing here, and actually it started with you originally.
• 4:34
  Cheryl: Today I think it has to do with energy.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: I think that extroverts pull their energy from their external environment.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Internal people or introverts pull their energy from their internal environment Mm-hmm.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: what do y'all think?
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: I
• 4:51
  Christie: can agree with that because I, I do love being with people.
• 4:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:55
  Christie: But the energy is, is the
• 4:57
  Danae: kicker there.
• 4:58
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:59
  Danae: I would say I have at least one daughter and some other people in my family that if you were to see them in public, you would think, Oh, they're an extrovert.
• 5:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 5:08
  Danae: because they are really.
• 5:10
  Danae: Outgoing.
• 5:11
  Danae: Friendly.
• 5:13
  Danae: Friendly.
• 5:13
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 5:13
  Danae: Well, this daughter I'm thinking of, she spends 90% of her time alone.
• 5:18
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 5:19
  Danae: Wow.
• 5:19
  Danae: she calls herself an outgoing introvert.
• 5:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Because that's what I think people see an outgoing, um, high energy, maybe more boisterous.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: Oh, that's an extrovert.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: and.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: An introvert is the person who sits in the corner, doesn't talk, writes poems, you know, I actually
• 5:39
  Danae: wrote poems.
• 5:40
  Danae: I still do.
• 5:40
  Danae: I still do too.
• 5:41
  Danae: I was say, but I always wanted to share them.
• 5:45
  Danae: Difference I I remember being on a seventh grade bus, going to a volleyball game.
• 5:51
  Danae: And thinking everyone on the bus wanted to hear my poem.
• 5:55
  Danae: Oh, it did
• 5:56
  Christie: so well.
• 5:56
  Christie: Well, no
• 5:59
  Danae: No.
• 5:59
  Danae: I
• 5:59
  Ellen: still try now to get someone to done.
• 6:02
  Ellen: My poetry my husband used goes,
• 6:04
  Danae: Oh yeah, that's good.
• 6:06
  Christie: I'll listen to your poem.
• 6:07
  Christie: Okay.
• 6:08
  Christie: Time.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: We'll have to bring some.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: Okay, so one of the things I want us to do and explain to you our listening audience, we.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Not trying to put anybody in a box.
• 6:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:18
  Cheryl: Or give labels.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: but it's too long every time saying those who pull their energy from their external environment and those who pull their energy.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: So we're just going to use extrovert and introvert.
• 6:28
  Danae: Yeah.
• 6:28
  Danae: And it's kind of what society uses and I think that's what we're speaking to is what, what does society view?
• 6:36
  Danae: Introvert and extrovert.
• 6:38
  Danae: Right.
• 6:38
  Danae: Yeah.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: I wanna first ask one question, and then I want us to actually focus on these terms.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Introvert, extrovert.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: So my first question to you is, Just straight out.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Would you self-identify as an extrovert or an introvert?
• 6:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:56
  Danae: I paused with the question.
• 6:58
  Danae: It took me off guard because I definitely can feel both.
• 7:02
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 7:03
  Danae: I can feel very energized by being with people.
• 7:05
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:06
  Danae: And then, um, I then need a good amount of time to be in my room and process and I journal and things like that.
• 7:15
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:15
  Ellen: I'm Ellen, and I would say I'm an extrovert.
• 7:19
  Christie: Definitely sounds like a confession.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: I am an.
• 7:26
  Christie: Well, I'm much, likee was saying I really fall right in the middle.
• 7:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:31
  Christie: I lean more towards introversion.
• 7:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 7:34
  Christie: on
• 7:34
  Danae: a daily basis.
• 7:35
  Danae: And I would say I lean more toward extroversion.
• 7:38
  Danae: I'm very outgoing.
• 7:40
  Danae: Um, I can really.
• 7:42
  Danae: Speed up.
• 7:43
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 7:43
  Danae: When I'm with people, I start talking fast.
• 7:47
  Danae: I get a lot of energy when I am with the people.
• 7:50
  Danae: Yes.
• 7:51
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:51
  Danae: But then I'm pretty ready to then, as I already said, to like go take a walk by myself in Nature
• 7:58
  Cheryl: That would be for me.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Before 30, there was nothing but e extrovert.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:05
  Cheryl: I was like I've said, self-declared gold retriever puppet, you know?
• 8:10
  Cheryl: And I just thought that's what everybody wanted to be.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: And in my, attic as a box and it has my report card from Grove Park Elementary School in Danville, Virginia, and Mrs.
• 8:20
  Cheryl: Hatcher and you open it up and they used to give.
• 8:25
  Cheryl: Ratings on your character.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:27
  Cheryl: operation and all that kinda stuff.
• 8:29
  Cheryl: And so, I'm sorry to tell you, you're probably not surprised.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Cheryll got Xes in self control.
• 8:35
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: And Mrs.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: Hatcher would write on there and saying, You know, She would benefit a lot more if she weren't sharing with her friends quite so much.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: But my response to my parents is why else would I go to school?
• 8:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:47
  Christie: It's funny because I tell you, I feel more like an introvert now, but as a kid, my dad brought my report cards over to my house one day that he had found in a box and from multiple years.
• 8:58
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:58
  Christie: and they all said something to the same point of has great potential teacher talks too much in class, every teacher,
• 9:07
  Cheryl: every year.
• 9:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 9:08
  Danae: My teachers got really creative and um, passed first grade, at least in elementary school, they would find tasks for me.
• 9:18
  Danae: Third grade, I think, maybe even second grade, I was tutoring first grader to read and, and I look back now and I think it's probably cuz I was just.
• 9:27
  Danae: A lot in the classroom.
• 9:29
  Danae: Yeah.
• 9:29
  Danae: A healthy place for all that energy.
• 9:31
  Danae: That's right.
• 9:33
  Ellen: Well,, I usually had a desk by myself.
• 9:36
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 9:37
  Ellen: pushed to the back of the room, but then it was always hard because my friends would throw me notes, and.
• 9:42
  Ellen: Depending on the note, the teacher would read it out loud.
• 9:45
  Ellen: So you know, that could be
• 9:46
  Christie: really embarrassing.
• 9:47
  Christie: My fifth grade teacher put my desk by her desk, which I actually loved because then I got to talk to her even better than talking to
• 9:56
  Danae: some kid.
• 9:56
  Danae: You dunno.
• 9:56
  Danae: So I'm curious if we pulled all the people who are on podcasts, if they tend to be extrovert, since we all are, or even though Christy, you said you lean a little more to introvert, it sounds like.
• 10:10
  Danae: You began life.
• 10:11
  Danae: I think four daughters
• 10:12
  Christie: might've ripped some of that out of the, Thats part of it.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: So let's look at this.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: And one of the things I do wanna get to is how we've morphed over the years.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: because I am not the person I was like up to 30.
• 10:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:27
  Cheryl: I changed.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: And.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: and part of the problem and we, you know, we get cycle analyzed on here cuz we are sharing our life with you all.
• 10:35
  Cheryl: Um, I went to nine different public schools.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: and being extroverted, friendly Mm-hmm.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: but moving so much, I didn't get any real, Self or other, or social awareness skills?
• 10:49
  Cheryl: I just started getting the pushback of the rejection.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's so hard.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Was really hard and it really wove itself into my personal self view.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: And so by the time I began to get some of that awareness, I started formulating a really negative view of myself.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: and thought all these people have really just put up with me all these years.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: Everybody loaves it.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: You are wrong.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: You are bad.
• 11:21
  Danae: What a lie.
• 11:21
  Danae: You were believing at such a young
• 11:23
  Cheryl: age.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: Yeah, but I will tell y'all it really affected me
• 11:27
  Danae: And then I think we, as we've already started discussing, there's a lot of ins and outs and reasons why and different seasons of our life where we have even the energy
• 11:39
  Cheryl: issue, you know?
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: and so.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: You know, every time we moved, in our adult life, I didn't wanna be like Sue Dylan.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: I wanted to be Sue Dylan.
• 11:51
  Cheryl: Oh, who was Sue Dylan.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Sue Dylan talked all the time like this, and she was calm and she never raised her voice and she was gentle and pearls of wisdom just gently came off her lips, you know, No, wait, are you describing me And I just, I wanted to become that.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: I thought, that will fix what's wrong with me.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 12:15
  Cheryl: So, Look a long time for God to show me I major a certain way.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: Right?
• 12:21
  Cheryl: And I want you to be a better version and Imma mature and a loving version.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: But to shake that really bad self talk mm-hmm.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: that I had, and it's related to the introvert extrovert.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: Oh, that's
• 12:34
  Ellen: so good.
• 12:35
  Ellen: But I mean, I can kind of relate.
• 12:36
  Ellen: I didn't have a Sue Dylan in my life, but I can
• 12:39
  Cheryl: remember thinking, Hi Sue, you're listening to this
• 12:43
  Danae: I
• 12:43
  Ellen: just can remember probably upper elementary school through junior high and high school.
• 12:48
  Ellen: Every year I would vow myself, Okay, I'm gonna be calm.
• 12:52
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:52
  Ellen: And relaxed.
• 12:53
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:54
  Ellen: And serious and intellectual and all the things I think that I wasn't.
• 12:59
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:59
  Ellen: And it usually.
• 13:00
  Ellen: Stood for the first hour of school until I saw my friends.
• 13:04
  Ellen: And then you know, I've talked so much with friends walking down the high school hall, the, the exterior part of the school that I actually ran into a pole one
• 13:13
  Cheryl: time,
• 13:16
  Danae: but I kept talking.
• 13:18
  Christie: It's funny because we talk about.
• 13:20
  Christie: You know, being a spectrum of this introvert, an extrovert, and I'm thinking, you know, I told you I'd kind of hover the line and I'm looking back to my junior high years and I remember certain class periods.
• 13:32
  Christie: I would be so obnoxious.
• 13:33
  Christie: The teacher probably just thought, Why did they give me this child in this class?
• 13:38
  Christie: But then others, I would not say a thing.
• 13:40
  Christie: People would be like, Oh, I think she's in my class, but I don't know I remember I had a friend who.
• 13:45
  Christie: Was in both classes, you know?
• 13:47
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:47
  Christie: in both types of versions of me and, and asked me one time, and I still don't know why I was that way in certain classes, but all the environments and people could have played a role in that.
• 13:58
  Christie: Yeah,
• 13:58
  Cheryl: So I think we're coming back to the nurture versus nature.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: unsettled discussion because Sure.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: When you read scientifically, it says your temperament and your preference like this.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Is biological.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:13
  Cheryl: But even just what we're sharing here, that it's also really impacted by our environment.
• 14:18
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 14:19
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:19
  Danae: I feel like we're doing kind of a deep dive into some of our, our childhood memories.
• 14:23
  Danae: I was raised in a family of all introverts very mm-hmm.
• 14:29
  Danae: uh, More quiet, more Reserved.
• 14:33
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 14:34
  Danae: um, introverted people.
• 14:36
  Danae: And so I felt very different.
• 14:37
  Danae: I felt very much like the black sheep or maybe the, the bright, colorful sheep of my family.
• 14:44
  Danae: And kind of where that turned for me is that I felt like being loud, um, having a lot of energy, you know, was bad and wrong.
• 14:55
  Danae: And I know my parents did.
• 14:58
  Danae: Mean to make me feel that way.
• 15:00
  Danae: And then when I went to school, uh, like the story of me, my teachers, you know, finding something for me to do, I learned really quickly of how to get that need met of feeling.
• 15:13
  Danae: Loved and wanted, like Cheryl, like you were talking about, was to perform Oh yes.
• 15:19
  Danae: You know, to become that perfect aholic Like we talked about So I thought I, My little girl self, if you can imagine, five, six years old, learned.
• 15:29
  Danae: I know.
• 15:30
  Danae: I'll get the teacher.
• 15:32
  Danae: To think I'm really special.
• 15:34
  Danae: And I do that by always raising my hand, always getting a great grade.
• 15:39
  Danae: I remember being in third grade and giving a speech in front of the whole elementary school.
• 15:46
  Danae: Wow, Wow.
• 15:47
  Danae: Of people.
• 15:48
  Danae: I got so much praise for that y'all, you know, like, so that was bigger than the fear, right.
• 15:54
  Danae: Of whatever.
• 15:55
  Danae: You know, most people would say, I would never do that.
• 15:57
  Danae: And So for me, as we're talking about introverted, extroverted selves, what's even bigger for me is this area where I learned and am still maturing out of that I need to perform.
• 16:10
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:10
  Danae: To be loved.
• 16:11
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 16:11
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 16:12
  Danae: you know, so that kind of skews us a little bit for me because.
• 16:16
  Danae: I think in situations, am I performing and that's making me exhausted.
• 16:20
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 16:21
  Danae: Right?
• 16:21
  Danae: Because I really do get energy from
• 16:22
  Christie: people.
• 16:23
  Christie: Well, in, in different scenarios, different things are affirmed.
• 16:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:27
  Christie: my girls were in a program where extroversion and boldness was very celebrated.
• 16:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:34
  Christie: And I remember one of my girls being selected for a role and then when the second child came up in that same environment, she just felt so, Inferior because she didn't fit their measurement of success that they were looking at.
• 16:51
  Christie: And so I, you know, I just think, and then there might be other places that introversion would be more accepted or needed in a certain role.
• 16:58
  Christie: And that's
• 16:58
  Danae: why we find different careers and, and different hobbies and things and different
• 17:03
  Ellen: places to live.
• 17:04
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:05
  Ellen: Because we've kind of talked about that.
• 17:07
  Ellen: Um, Mike and I been able to travel a lot and he was in the military, but for instance, in Japan, You know, being a loud American, being allowed, extroverted, cuz a lot of other countries think of us as loud Americans.
• 17:20
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:21
  Ellen: Is negative.
• 17:23
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:23
  Ellen: You know that to be more quiet, even if you are an extrovert, to be under control.
• 17:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:29
  Ellen: So there's many areas, especially in Asian countries where being quieter is a virtue.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:36
  Ellen: And being loud and extroverted is a sign of lack of self control.
• 17:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:41
  Ellen: And different things like that.
• 17:42
  Ellen: So like
• 17:42
  Danae: Cheryl's report card showed
• 17:45
  Cheryl: It should, Oh, I can see.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: It's gonna dog me for her But see what we're saying is whether it's family or your school or Your community.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Or your culture.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Country.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Different things are valued.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: to be an extroverted person and an introverted family is negative.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: And then also I have some my own children and then other good friends that felt second.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:13
  Cheryl: Because they weren't the bold out there or they preferred to listen and respond and they felt, Oh, why can't I be like, DANAE getting up in third grade and giving a speech?
• 18:27
  Cheryl: They would prefer to drop outta school than to do that You know?
• 18:30
  Cheryl: Or Yeah, I can do it.
• 18:31
  Cheryl: It'll just take me weeks to internalize and prepare for it.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: And a big fat
• 18:36
  Christie: nap after.
• 18:37
  Ellen: And I always felt like I was born to the wrong family.
• 18:40
  Ellen: I wanted to be in a.
• 18:42
  Ellen: Italian family.
• 18:43
  Ellen: It was loud and noisy, liked food So you know, it's that that weird thing that happens that shapes how we view the
• 18:52
  Danae: world.
• 18:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 18:53
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 18:54
  Christie: yeah.
• 18:54
  Christie: I think a problem we just, have in all areas is that we often compare our weaknesses to the other
• 19:00
  Ellen: person's
• 19:01
  Danae: stream.
• 19:01
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 19:02
  Ellen: That's
• 19:02
  Cheryl: so true.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:04
  Cheryl: And that's what I was doing looking at Sue Dylan.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:06
  Cheryl: going mm-hmm.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: She's everything.
• 19:08
  Cheryl: I'm not, Yeah.
• 19:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:10
  Cheryl: Oh, that's the way to be.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: instead of.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: trying to become the best version of me the way God made
• 19:17
  Christie: me.
• 19:18
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 19:18
  Christie: And she may have been at home with her knitting loom Looking at Cheryl thinking, I wish I could put myself out there.
• 19:26
  Christie: I'd be friendly to people.
• 19:29
  Danae: You're gonna have a hard time believing it.
• 19:32
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:33
  Danae: Well,, I will give you a confession as a more extroverted person.
• 19:37
  Danae: Several nights a week still, I will lay with my hat on my pillow, going through my whole day of everything all my extroverted outbursts and impulses and try to evaluate did I do a good job?
• 19:55
  Danae: Did I hurt someone's feelings?
• 19:57
  Danae: Should I have said something differently?
• 19:58
  Danae: Should I have been quiet, Ellen, like you bowed to at school?
• 20:02
  Danae: You know?
• 20:03
  Danae: So I would say, That's a negative that I deal with is evaluating myself very critically about all that transpired through the day.
• 20:11
  Danae: Well,
• 20:11
  Christie: that's interesting because as an introvert, I, you pro do the same thing.
• 20:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:15
  Christie: Where I, I call it a vulnerability hangover where I just, if I have to be in a place of vulnerability Yeah.
• 20:21
  Christie: It's the whole next day I'm like, Ugh.
• 20:24
  Christie: They probably think this and, and maybe some of that's insecurity.
• 20:28
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 20:28
  Christie: but I, I think it is just letting.
• 20:30
  Christie: The inside out, you know?
• 20:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:32
  Christie: And even if it's not something I'm insecure about, it's just like, ah.
• 20:35
  Christie: They saw inside where I wasn't really
• 20:37
  Cheryl: willing to, Oh, Christie, I identified that so much because I've had a lot of teaching and classes and top Bible studies and LED groups and done podcast and all of this.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: Vulnerability hangover.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: That's
• 20:53
  Danae: bene brown.
• 20:54
  Danae: She
• 20:55
  Cheryl: coin that for word.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: Oh, I thought it was you.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: I,
• 20:58
  Danae: But you're so wise to say it.
• 21:02
  Danae: I
• 21:02
  Christie: know a good word when I see it.
• 21:04
  Christie: That's right.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: And, uh, reacting to try and quit being who I am, but also making all the mistakes.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: shutting down.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: I really went through a long time of really shutting down because I go, Oh, I don't wanna open my mouth cuz I'm gonna say the wrong thing.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Oh, there I hurt their feelings again.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: Oh, here I am, again.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: I am not gonna do it.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: I am not going back.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: I'm not gonna be part of the group.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: I'm not gonna do it.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: You know,
• 21:34
  Danae: extroverts tend to.
• 21:37
  Danae: Be thinking while they're talking.
• 21:40
  Danae: They're talking.
• 21:40
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:41
  Danae: So that means there's, you know, a greater margin of error with an extrovert than an introvert.
• 21:46
  Danae: You're watching
• 21:46
  Christie: the words coming out of your mouth.
• 21:48
  Christie: So coming out.
• 21:49
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:49
  Danae: And so, you know, as we've talked about, do overs, uh, extroverts may need a few more do overs.
• 21:56
  Danae: Well,
• 21:56
  Cheryl: and I will say with that and I think I'm a pretty genuine person, this vulnerable.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: That I wish the world would say, We're gonna give you a lot of grace because you're just sharing yourself with us, and we're not gonna hold you to the strict standard of, you said really large, when it was only semi large.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:20
  Cheryl: You know, and holding you to that kind of condemnation.
• 22:24
  Cheryl: Instead of having the grace to say, Did you actually mean to say really large?
• 22:29
  Cheryl: Oh, no, actually it was just moderate.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: You know, and Ellen, I've heard you talk about you're telling stories and kids go, Mommy didn't do that.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: You know, or my,
• 22:39
  Ellen: I think one of the first fights Mike and I had were married was.
• 22:43
  Ellen: He got really upset with me when we got home.
• 22:46
  Ellen: He goes, I cannot believe you lied when you told that story.
• 22:49
  Ellen: I'm like, What?
• 22:50
  Ellen: What?
• 22:51
  Ellen: Cause he's a very precise person, Uhhuh.
• 22:53
  Ellen: So whatever the story was, it doesn't matter now.
• 22:55
  Ellen: We've been married almost 50 years, but whatever the story was, I over exaggerated.
• 23:01
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 23:01
  Ellen: Because, That's how I tell a story.
• 23:02
  Ellen: Totally.
• 23:02
  Ellen: Good story.
• 23:03
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:04
  Ellen: But you know, and I finally had to say, well, people listen to my stories cuz they're exaggerated.
• 23:10
  Ellen: Interesting.
• 23:10
  Ellen: But he really thought I had lied.
• 23:13
  Ellen: And that was kind of a journey for us as a couple to learn.
• 23:16
  Ellen: Ellen Exaggerates.
• 23:18
  Ellen: She's not lying.
• 23:19
  Ellen: Yes.
• 23:19
  Ellen: And I, I try not to exaggerate on stuff that really matters.
• 23:22
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:23
  Ellen: but you know, if the fish was one inch or four inches, that doesn't matter.
• 23:26
  Ellen: You're repeating a story if it's four inches, you know, whatever.
• 23:29
  Ellen: So, um, we kind of had to work through that.
• 23:32
  Ellen: Um, Those were hard things that I also had to learn to be more mindful how I exaggerated when it was appropriate and when it isn't.
• 23:41
  Cheryl: Oh good.
• 23:42
  Christie: well, I know as an introvert, one of the things I wish the world would offer is like a big pause button.
• 23:49
  Christie: Oh.
• 23:49
  Christie: Because, So often I will be in a conversation or be somewhere, and then I'll be driving home and be thinking about it, and then I'm like, Oh, you know what?
• 23:59
  Christie: I really wish I would've said, or, you know, I could've encouraged this person with this, or, you know, Oh, I don't feel like my voice is really heard in that.
• 24:07
  Christie: And so I think that's good.
• 24:08
  Christie: We all look at the world wishing, you know?
• 24:11
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 24:12
  Christie: it would accommodate a little bit better.
• 24:15
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:16
  Ellen: I think it's really important, you know, as we're talking about extroverts or introverts, as the parent, you need to know what you.
• 24:24
  Ellen: Hmm.
• 24:24
  Ellen: Because that's how you're going to relate to your children, whether they're extroverts or introverts.
• 24:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:30
  Ellen: because Asay shared, um, she had a more quiet, introverted family that didn't always understand her, right?
• 24:37
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:37
  Ellen: you know, but as a mom you understand your children better.
• 24:41
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:41
  Ellen: because you've taken the time to know who you are.
• 24:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 24:44
  Ellen: And I think that's something that all of us should take some time.
• 24:47
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:48
  Ellen: and figure out, you know, compared to, um, other people, not being good or bad, it's neutral, right?
• 24:54
  Ellen: It is.
• 24:54
  Ellen: But then it helps you to help your children.
• 24:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:58
  Ellen: your friends.
• 24:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 24:59
  Ellen: strangers.
• 25:00
  Cheryl: Well, how you interact with people.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Because one of the things that's different from me is I did get energy.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: I was the one.
• 25:08
  Cheryl: If I wasn't leading it, I was social director of any group.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: Okay, we're gonna do this, and then afterwards we're gonna get pizza and then we're gonna go late night bowling So that was the way I was and I changed
• 25:21
  Ellen: Sometimes I think we change as we get.
• 25:24
  Ellen: And things Well, and things get tempered.
• 25:27
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 25:28
  Cheryl: I'm so thankful that I matured.
• 25:32
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 25:33
  Cheryl: And so what we were talking about earlier, really began to appreciate and identify and connect mm-hmm.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: Um, with my friends that are internal processors and certainly with my children.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: Or family members Yeah.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: That get their energy internally.
• 25:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: and I am drawn to that.
• 25:51
  Cheryl: In fact, a lot of my close friends over the years tend to be people who draw their energy from the inside.
• 25:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:59
  Cheryl: Um, rather than being external energy people.
• 26:01
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 26:01
  Ellen: yeah.
• 26:01
  Ellen: And that's my experience too, is some of my closest friends are all introverts.
• 26:06
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 26:07
  Danae: So basically it's be who you are.
• 26:09
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:10
  Danae: Be aware of what you need and what others need.
• 26:13
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 26:14
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:14
  Danae: Ellen, you're talking.
• 26:15
  Danae: I think it's really helped me and my family for us to communicate.
• 26:19
  Danae: Yeah, Yeah.
• 26:19
  Danae: To with each other.
• 26:21
  Danae: To not take it personally.
• 26:23
  Danae: like we talk about so much, is that if I have an introverted daughter that that lives.
• 26:29
  Danae: Home with me that really needs a lot of alone time and, we've gotten to the point where she can just say, Hey mom, I need to spend some time in my room.
• 26:36
  Danae: Yes.
• 26:36
  Danae: Mm-hmm.
• 26:36
  Danae: and.
• 26:37
  Danae: It doesn't mean I don't like you, I'm mad at you, but you know, it took us really talking about it.
• 26:45
  Danae: Like, okay, so when you say that, do you really mean you just need some time?
• 26:51
  Danae: yes, Mom.
• 26:52
  Danae: I really mean that.
• 26:53
  Christie: I think it's really important to teach our kids as early as we can, that there are differences in people.
• 27:00
  Christie: Right.
• 27:00
  Christie: And that way they're not taking it personally.
• 27:02
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 27:02
  Christie: Either when mom needs a few minutes alone mm-hmm.
• 27:04
  Christie: It doesn't feel like rejection.
• 27:07
  Christie: And that might not just be an introversion, extroversion, but in all ways we, Yeah.
• 27:10
  Christie: I remember my oldest saying one time, Mom, if it weren't for me, you would just stay home and drink tea All.
• 27:17
  Christie: Yeah, it
• 27:18
  Danae: would.
• 27:18
  Danae: Sounds wonderful,
• 27:19
  Cheryl: huh?
• 27:20
  Ellen: That's really true.
• 27:21
  Ellen: And I think that's a, a good thing for extroverts to keep in mind.
• 27:25
  Ellen: Yes.
• 27:25
  Ellen: Who have introverted children.
• 27:27
  Ellen: Spouses.
• 27:28
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:29
  Ellen: family members, friends, Maybe you need to go back again later hey, we were having this discussion and you know, did you feel like you got to say everything you wanted to say?
• 27:38
  Christie: Right.
• 27:39
  Christie: And as an introvert, I need to have a little bit more boldness to go to my friend and say, Hey, can we talk about that a little bit more now?
• 27:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 27:46
  Christie: Good.
• 27:47
  Cheryl: That's a really good idea.
• 27:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:49
  Cheryl: and pausing extroverts tend to go.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:53
  Cheryl: Do we move on to the next thing?
• 27:55
  Ellen: No.
• 27:55
  Ellen: Extroverts tend to apologize a lot.
• 27:58
  Danae: Sorry,
• 28:00
  Christie: we not all do.
• 28:00
  Christie: Some might need to
• 28:04
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:06
  Danae: Man, I, I still think the main thing for me is really accepting and loving myself.
• 28:14
  Danae: and my kids and people Wow.
• 28:18
  Danae: Whether I do it all right that day, that month, that year, whether I feel like in my own eyes, I failed um, just being with people and accepting who I am and being able to receive.
• 28:34
  Danae: They're love.
• 28:36
  Danae: Wow.
• 28:36
  Danae: Yeah.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: Oh, Come looking at the clock and we are out of time.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: Thank you all, so much.
• 28:43
  Cheryl: Listeners, be sure and come back next time because we're gonna talk about parenting our extroverts and our introvert.
• 28:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:52
  Cheryl: Um, again, we're not trying to label mm-hmm.
• 28:54
  Cheryl: but we're trying to use this as a way of loving others.
• 28:58
  Cheryl: It's a tool.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: It's a tool.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: It's a good tool.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Okay, so parents remember.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: Hang in there.
• 29:04
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.