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Work/Life Balance is an Illusion · The Stoic Handbook with Jon Brooks

0:00
SPEAKER_00: In this episode, I'm going to be addressing a question I've had from a reader and my friend, Gaz, or Gareth, if you will, my jujitsu friend and general helpful person in my life.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: He asked, How do I manage my work life balance?
0:20
SPEAKER_00: Having a family, having particular kind of goals and aspirations and things you want to learn and do, but then also having a full-time job that is demanding and takes up your time.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot that I can say here, but I I'll start with something that the philosophy writer Alain de Barton says in his TED Talk.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: He says that forget work life balance.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Anything worth doing puts your life out of balance.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: Alright, so that's a reframe.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: Stop trying to be balanced, is the reframe.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about it.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: You're built to be off balance.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: The problem is if you're constantly and chronically out of balance.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: That's an issue.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: So we're going to be looking at that in a moment.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: It's the same same thing with stress, right?
1:09
SPEAKER_00: It's like, how do I eradicate all stress from my life?
1:12
SPEAKER_00: It's like, who says that's even a good thing to do?
1:16
SPEAKER_00: We are built to have periods of stress.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: It helps us.
1:19
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what do you think the gym is?
1:22
SPEAKER_00: Alright?
1:23
SPEAKER_00: What do you think you do when you go to the gym?
1:25
SPEAKER_00: It's actually good for you.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: Alright?
1:29
SPEAKER_00: A little bit of stress can help you adapt and overcome and grow stronger.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: So a few things that I'd say about work-life balance beyond that is that there's actually no separation between work and life.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: It's very similar to meditation, right?
1:46
SPEAKER_00: When you meditate, you sit down on a cushion.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: As you know, I'm a huge advocate of mindfulness-based meditation and think it's a great supplement to stoic practice.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: When you sit in the meditation, you get your mind into a state of clarity and clear seeing, and you cultivate a certain kind of awareness in which thoughts come and go, and all you're left with is the arising and passing away of sensory data.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: You are free from self-clinging and you are free from desire to some extent.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: And you enter into a kind of a tranquil, serene, naturally blissful presence.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: That is the state of meditating, at least for an adept meditator or someone who meditates regularly.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: And then you get off the cushion, you drive your car, and you get angry at someone who cuts you off in traffic.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: It's like I have my meditation self, I have my road rage self.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: Guess what?
2:41
SPEAKER_00: There's only one life.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: There's only one mind.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: Your mind is your mind when you're meditating, your mind is your mind when you're driving, and your mind is your mind when you're working, and your mind is your mind when you're with family.
2:53
SPEAKER_00: There is no separation between work life, hobby life, childcare life, any of it.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: There's just life.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: There's no separation.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: So that distinction between balancing work and life as if they're two separate things is in itself another kind of faulty, illusory concept.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: It can be useful as all concepts can be useful, but only up to a certain point.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: And what you want to do, if you can't change or you don't want to change the parameters of your life itself, you can do what?
3:30
SPEAKER_00: Change your mind in the parameters, so that the parameters themselves cease to exist.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: That's one of the things I love about meditation.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Meditation doesn't solve your problems, it dissolves them.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: And the same with stoicism.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: Stoicism is not an attempt to make your problems go away necessarily.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: It can be a part of it.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Stoicism is about seeing that 90% of that problem was illusory in the first place.
4:05
SPEAKER_00: That's stoicism.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: Because you weren't thinking about it clearly.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Now, I understand that this answer could be mildly frustrating, but it's getting you to think a little bit differently.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: It's getting you to think about the intention and the mind that you show up with in life and in work.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: And getting you to see that there is no clear-cut distinction.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And getting you to see that imbalance is a quality problem.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: To have something you care about that does off-balance you is a good thing.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: It's a good thing.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: And it's much better than having no thing to off-balance you and to always feeling to always feel steady, but also have this lack of meaning and responsibility.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: That is actually a worse thing to have.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: We live in a society where we unconsciously think that work is this kind of like bad thing.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: Like we show up, we give time, and in exchange we get money.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: But our family, our family time, and uh not just our family time, but our time outside of work is the real value.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: It's the re all those minutes outside of workers where we really get the value.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: And so we're constantly thinking that how is work taking from us and making us show up to our family in a less than kind of way?
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Well, let's flip it.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: Let's flip it.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: How are you and your family taking away your vitality for when you show up to work?
5:36
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you should optimize the way you show up to work and put that as number one just for a week.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: And you'll start to see that actually those things you're doing in life as a way to kind of balance the scales are actually just adding further imbalance.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: So, what do I mean?
5:57
SPEAKER_00: You work a long day, you have this perspective of uh, you know, why do I have to work so much?
6:04
SPEAKER_00: This is draining, this is too much, I don't like it.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: You go home.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: Now you think this is where my life really is.
6:11
SPEAKER_00: And you indulge in activities that make you feel unproductive.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying this is what you do, guys.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about people in general.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: This is this is an answer for everyone.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: You indulge in in activities that actually make time go more quickly, make you feel like you've wasted time.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: Like, does binging on Netflix really add to the work-life balance equation positively?
6:35
SPEAKER_00: And then because you are unproductive, you stay up late.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: Which then makes you show up to work in a less than kind of mindset.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: So then you get home, and of course you're drained, but you're not drained because work drained you.
6:51
SPEAKER_00: You're drained because you didn't get enough sleep.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: And so the whole problem of the work-life balance is really can be condensed to like, what are you actually doing with the life part?
7:02
SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's the issue, not the work part.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: So the first thing I'd ask for anyone with a with a work-life balance issue is like, are you sleeping well?
7:12
SPEAKER_00: Right?
7:13
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, if the answer is not, I'm sleeping very, very, very well, then you don't have a work-life balance issue, you have a sleep issue.
7:23
unknown: Right?
7:23
SPEAKER_00: You have a sleep issue.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: And then if the if the response after that is, well, yeah, I I have to stay up late because there's lots I want to do, because I'm so busy in work, I don't have time to do them.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: And to that I would say, well, do less.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: Do less.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: What makes you think you need to be doing things all the time?
7:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, there are people that like like Elon Musk that have like a trillion dollar company and like four or five kids.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: Many successful entrepreneurs have multiple children.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: You know, there are people in this world that are so good at using time, they're so skilled at it, they're so disciplined in their execution and so undistracted in their in their work that they can do in the space of two days what will take the average person two weeks.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: So this idea of I don't have enough time is it is in itself a myth.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: Every hour of the day we are doing exactly what we want to be doing.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, we need to remember this.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Every hour of the day we are doing exactly what we want to be doing.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: If you don't like your job, you can leave the job, right?
8:33
SPEAKER_00: You're not a slave.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: Well, I have to pay the bills.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: Well, sure, right?
8:38
SPEAKER_00: You can figure that out, but nobody's forcing you to stay in this job.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: You are choosing to be there.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean you like it, but you are choosing to be there.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: Unless you're in some kind of very, very extreme situation, so I can't speak for everyone on earth, right?
8:53
SPEAKER_00: I know that there are definitely exceptions to this, but for most people listening to this, you are choosing what you want to be doing every hour.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: And then people might say, well, you know, I have kids.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: I have to look after my kids.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: Well, you don't actually have to, right?
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Like, let's challenge this.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: You want to.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: There are people that leave their families because they want to leave their families.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: The fact that you are staying and caring after your kids means that you want to do that.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Right?
9:21
SPEAKER_00: So let's get rid of this idea that I don't have time for things.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: You are doing exactly what you want to be doing with every hour of your day.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: Right?
9:29
SPEAKER_00: That's what's happening.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: Now the question is, are those hours well put together to maximize your health, productivity, efficiency, well-being, etc.?
9:38
SPEAKER_00: And the answer is probably not, because this is a skill that takes a lot of time to master.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: That's why I created the ultimate stoic morning routine because it helps you check in in the morning.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: But one thing I would say to you or anyone struggling with a work-life balance, is become an essentialist.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: Pursue less.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: Figure out what's really, really, really, really important in your life.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: And go all in on those things.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Learn to say no much more.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Think of it like this.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: If you get asked to do something, is this something that I really want to do?
10:14
SPEAKER_00: Does it pass the 90% yes rule?
10:16
SPEAKER_00: Like is this a 90% yes?
10:20
SPEAKER_00: Then do it.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: But if it's like a 20% kind of, don't do it.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Don't commit.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: Every week, look at your obligations.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: What can you uncommit to?
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Sustainability is key.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: If you write a to-do list every day, you want to be writing like three to five things that will move you forward.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: And ideally doing them and then chilling if you can after that.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: If you write 20 things in your to-do list and then you burn yourself out by the end of the day, you're weak and the next day is damaged.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: You want to create this slow, steady, continuous checking off of tasks in a way that keeps all engines running.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: That's the goal.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: And an essentialist does this.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: A non-essentialist thinks everything on the list is of equal value.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: An essentialist looks at their week and goes, What do I really, really want to do here?
11:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to try and do 50 things every day, right?
11:18
SPEAKER_00: Because 50 things are not all of equal value.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: What is of equal value to me?
11:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, I know that I want to exercise, right?
11:24
SPEAKER_00: But can I exercise every day for an hour?
11:27
SPEAKER_00: Well, I can, but then I would lose time with my children, right?
11:31
SPEAKER_00: So no, let's do three times a week.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: Is three times a week good enough for me to exercise?
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: When will I do those?
11:36
SPEAKER_00: This day, this day, this day.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: Now I just thought about my children and realized that I want to spend good quality time with my children.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: So don't do I want to be spending 45 minutes a day with my child?
11:46
SPEAKER_00: No, I'd actually like to spend at least two days a week where I do something cool and fun.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: So on this day and that day, I'm going to go to the park.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: Right?
11:54
SPEAKER_00: And this is how an essentialist thinks about their week.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: None of this is possible unless you create space.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: This is something that I've been doing once a week.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: I do it every Sunday night.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: I did it last night.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: I dedicate two hours.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: Sounds like a lot.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: Going through a checklist.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: Two hours.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: That means clearing my inbox, sorting through all my to-dos, looking at all of my notes, tidying up my downloads and documents on my computer, looking through all of the various kind of calendar appointments, and then thinking about the core tasks that I want to get done this week.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Looking at at the week ahead and thinking about it.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Creating space.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Like what do I really want to do?
12:42
SPEAKER_00: What's important to me?
12:43
SPEAKER_00: What will move me forward?
12:44
SPEAKER_00: What's not actually as important as I'm telling myself it is?
12:48
SPEAKER_00: If I have 300 things stored in my to-do list in various kind of folders, are all of those things of equal value?
12:56
SPEAKER_00: No, absolutely not.
12:58
SPEAKER_00: There are probably 20% of those items that will make your life 80% better.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: This is the Pareto principle.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: The Paretto principle states that there are for any kind of major outcome, 80% of that outcome comes from 20% of your actions.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: This Paretto principle applies to many things in life, right?
13:22
SPEAKER_00: Like 20% of music artists get 80% of the sales, 20% of movies make 80% of the gross annual revenue.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: 20% get 80%.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: 20% of your efforts get 80% of the outcome.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: One of the most important life skills you can cultivate is to try and constantly refine your ability to discern the 20% of your actions that will get you 80% of the results.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: When you can do this, you've just maximized your productivity by 5%.
13:52
SPEAKER_00: Because we're typically the average person thinks of all tasks as being equal.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: So they are abiding by the 100%, 10% rule.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: But what you want to be doing is abiding by the 20%, 80% rule.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: So then you can maximize your productivity by five.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: So to conclude, let's do away with this false dichotomy between work and life.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: That's important.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Let's realize that our life and ourselves can be taking away from our work as much as our work can be taking away from our life.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Let's look at the idea of being a non-essentialist and how we can be basically messing everything up for ourselves by following this false idea of being this superhuman renaissance man who actually, you know, the typical Renaissance man, the average person, can't do it all, right?
14:42
SPEAKER_00: You need to accept that you cannot do it all.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: You will suck at certain things in life, you will fail at certain things in life.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: This is how it is.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: But in knowing that, you still have the power to choose what you won't suck at, what you will be good at.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: So narrow those things down.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: What are they?
15:00
SPEAKER_00: What do you want to be good at?
15:02
SPEAKER_00: In my own life?
15:03
SPEAKER_00: It's very simple.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: Creativity, learning, being a dad, Brazilian jujitsu.
15:12
SPEAKER_00: Those are the things.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Those are my essential things.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: I have many interests.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm constantly being pulled away into learning this, learning that, learning this, learning that.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: And I do it, but I'm also aware that I do these things not at the expense of the essential.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: I do them as a bonus to the except to the essential.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: The essential must come first.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, there's a book called Essentialism by Greg McKeon.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: Highly recommend that book.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: And then the final thing I'll say is set boundaries.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Right?
15:46
SPEAKER_00: Set boundaries.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: If you're a highly agreeable person, then again, it's not the work-life balance that's the problem.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: It's your agreeableness that's the problem.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Everyone has this personal bill of rights, right?
15:57
SPEAKER_00: It's like I have the right to ask for what I want.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: I have the right to make mistakes and not to be perfect.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: I have the right to determine my own priorities, right?
16:11
SPEAKER_00: There's a big list of rights that we all have.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: We need to enact them.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: We need to be assertive and negotiate with our time and our energy and don't say yes to everything.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: If you are a yes person, if you are highly agreeable, then once again, what is the issue?
16:31
SPEAKER_00: It's not the work-life balance that's the issue.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: It's the agreeableness, it's the lack of setting boundaries, and it is the lack of focusing on the essential.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: What comprises the essential?
16:43
SPEAKER_00: Beyond the things that you choose, the other two things that always are essential in everyone who's listening is life.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: Sleep and play.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: Sleep and play must be there, and then everything else is your choice.
17:01
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to another episode of a Stoic Handbook Podcast.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: I'll speak to you soon, fate permitting.