Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep6: Old Enough to Know Better, Funny Enough Not to Care 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep6: Old Enough to Know Better, Funny Enough Not to Care 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_07: Aging isn't bad if you don't take it personally.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_07: That's the key.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_07: You know, treat it like it's a pretend like you're Jeff Goldblum in the fly and you're watching all this weird shit how you're like, oh my, get a leather-bound notebook, take notes, you know, late at night, like, huh, my farts smell like old books.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_07: But I'm not eating old books.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_07: This calls for further examination.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_07: Day 17 takes longer to stop peeing than it does to pee.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: When old people say things like, oh, everything was better when I was a kid.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Of course it was, you were a kid.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Everything's better when you're a kid, right?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Being old is the shit bit.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever's happening in the world, being old is the I wake up these days and I go, oh fuck, I didn't die.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta do it all again.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm usually hungover, headache, liver pains.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I can't walk for the first five minutes because I've got no joints in the knees, right?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting fat again now, right?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: No, I was thin till I was about 28, like proper skinny, like nine and a half stone, right?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Then I got a job, right?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And the next sort of 20 years were what I call my eating years, right?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I just got steadily fatter and fatter till I reached a peak of unwellness and blobbiness when I was about 48 years old.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it was one Christmas, I was at home lying on the floor, right?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I was saying to Jane, I'm having a heart attack, right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, my heart rate was like 130.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I felt nauseous, I was palpitations, I was sweating, because I'd eaten 11 sausages.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: True story.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was like one of them snakes.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when you see a big pipe and swallow a pig hole, and then it's just fucked.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like for a week, it's like a duffel bag, just there.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: That was me, right?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously I wasn't having a heart attack, but it worried Jane.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: She said, You've got to start looking after yourself.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, yeah, yeah, you're right, I thought yeah.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I started working out, right?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I started working out every single day.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't give anything up, right?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't eat meat anymore, but I was having like two and a half thousand calories, three thousand calories a day, including wine every night, right?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: But I burnt it off the next day.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Just so I could do all that.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I worked out for an hour and a half every day, running weight training.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I had more time on my hands than the average person.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I had a gym built in my house, I had no excuse, and I lost about 20 pounds, and it was great.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: But now I still eat and drink too much, right?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I physically can't burn off the calories.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do enough because I'm so old and broken and tired.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna get steadily fatter and fatter again, and this time I am going to die.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm losing the hair, it's getting really thin.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I know it looks great for their cheers, but um no, I know, honestly, in a lift, right, with that light directly overhead and the mirror, it looks like an X-ray, right?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I had to start taking something at night because I was having nightmares as an adult, which is like when you get braces at 40, everybody's like, you're still doing that?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, I guess.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh it's embarrassing.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And nightmares as an adult are so much worse than nightmares as a kid.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So much worse.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of things are worse as an adult.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think we know that.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Have you guys tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it is laughable.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's impossible.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can pep yourself up when you're a kid because you still believe in stuff like Santa and magic and the government.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like you still think there are forces at work for you.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror, like you're gonna do it, cuz you're great, and I believe in you.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And as an adult, you're just leaning on that sink, like you're gonna do it.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because what other goddamn choice do you have?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_08: We got young people in the house.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_08: Where's everybody 25 and under make some noise?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_08: Young people.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_08: Thank y'all so much for coming.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_08: We appreciate that, young people.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_08: Where's all the rest of us?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_08: Where's 25 and older make some noise?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_08: Okay, y'all growing and a motherfucker.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_08: I get it, I get it, y'all grow.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_08: If we can tell you, young people, anything, we would tell you enjoy your motherfucking youth while you got it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_08: Whatever the fuck you trying to do in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_08: While your body is still with you.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_08: This getting old shit is full of birds.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_08: That shit do not let off.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_08: Once it's on your ass, that's what it's gonna get old right now.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_08: Fucked up.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_08: Fucked up.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_08: We didn't know it was gonna be like this.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_08: I used to laugh like shit at my grandfather making all that noise, getting out the bed.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_08: He uh.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_08: Look at this lazy ass nigga.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_08: He knows nothing wrong with him at 6 30 in the goddamn morning.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_08: Now we're getting older, we see.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_08: This shit is for the birds.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_08: Your mind is still young, but your body has checked the fuck out.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_08: You ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn't listen?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_08: You was like, it's time to go on and get out to bed now, huh?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_08: I'm gonna go on and get out to bed now.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_08: I'ma lay here 10 more minutes and get my shit together.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_08: Ten more minutes.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_08: So your body has given the fuck up.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_08: You start getting older, you gotta change shit.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_08: I used to be able to watch TV all night long.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_08: Not no more.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_08: Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_08: These motherfucking commercials is too scary and too not specific.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_08: You scared and don't even know what the fuck you scared of.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_08: I know I'm not the only person in here who think he might maybe could possibly have Miso Thelion.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_08: No, none of us know what the fuck it is.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, I broke my foot.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_07: That's how I started my year.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_07: I broke my foot.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_07: Uh it was, it took two, it happened in two parts.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_07: Uh the second part was I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_07: That was the second part.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_07: The first and most important part was I turned 53.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_07: That is the crucial part.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_07: I, you turn, once you get past 50, everything's fatal.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_07: I when when I was in my 20s, I would walk into propellers and put some back teen on it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_07: I was fine.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_07: And now if a pine cone falls near me, my spine implodes.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know what like that.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: I'm getting older, you guys.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm getting older.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we all are.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: We're all getting older.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: But it's about me right now.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm getting older, but I don't feel it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: I don't feel like I'm getting older, but I am noticing myself starting to do older things.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm noticing like the questions that I ask nowadays are like old people questions.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what time is breakfast?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: Do you accept coupons?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like stuff like that.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: And like my friend went to a wedding, right?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: And I feel like young people would ask questions like, oh, you went to a wedding?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: Was it fun?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: Was there an open bar?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: Did you meet anybody?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like stuff like that.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: Me, I ask questions like, oh, you went to a wedding?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Did they let you take the centerpiece on?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: How about the food?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: What kind of food did they serve?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: Was it like a buffet style?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: How about parking?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: Was it a ballet?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Self-park?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: Ugh! Brutal.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: I think I'm getting older because I'm starting to give way too many details and way too many details.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna see my dad do that.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: Way too many details instead of like that.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: I can ask my dad a very simple question.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: Hey dad, are you coming to visit me this weekend?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Or next weekend?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: This weekend.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: Or next weekend.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: What is the answer you're gonna get?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: I requested time off from my supervisor.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: He's trying to tell me that I didn't request a time off when I know I did.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: And then here he goes giving giving Diego like two weeks off.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: You're not supposed to have two weeks at a time, right?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: So I said, Look, I'm gonna call my union rep, okay?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: And then sometimes if you just say union rep, then you get all scared.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: So I said, Look, I'm gonna call my union rep.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: And then he goes, Fine, you can have your time off, but he almost didn't give it to me, but then he did, but he almost didn't.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: So this weekend.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: Or next weekend.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_08: You start getting older, shit changed.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_08: You gotta deal with it.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_08: When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_08: You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_08: Not doing a goddamn thing.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_08: You young, you have to hurt yourself to be in accident.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_08: You get older, you see your friend, he got a cast on all his ribs and shit.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_08: You, god damn, nigga, did you get in a car accident?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_08: No, I fucked around and yawned too fast and caught my body off guard.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_08: I wasn't stretching or nothing like that like I should.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_08: I just out of nowhere.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_08: Yaw ripped all of that up right there, man.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_08: Fucked up.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_08: So what start happening when you start getting older?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_08: You start getting older, shit that wasn't a problem is a problem.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_08: You was younger, if you was five pounds overweight, all you needed to do was take one good shit.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_08: You was back at your original weight.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_08: I knew I ate a little bit too much two days ago.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_08: I knew that.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_08: You start getting older.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_08: If you let 10 pounds get on you, that bitch is there to stay.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_08: You be like, what the fuck is this leaving?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: It ain't never leaving.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna have to keep on working.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting more scared.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: Getting older, I guess.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you get more fearful as you age.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting older.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Not scary itself, getting older.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Holy shit.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: I thought I'd at least have this year off.
• 11:19
  unknown: No.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: Older again.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: So fucking old now, man.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: Became so old this year, became older this year.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: Don't know you guys, but I became older recently.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: Became so old this year.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: Broke my personal record, actually, this year.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: Became so old, turned uh I turned 31 this year.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: I know, disgusting.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, you're right.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: Be sick.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: Bleh! So old, 30 freaking one.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: I went into lockdown, 19 years old, now 31.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: Terrible.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Awful, so fucking old, 31, the shit's nearly over, folks! This is my farewell special, by the way.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oh knocking on Hell's door, V.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: 31, I'm so old.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: Uh this may annoys some people.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I come on stage and I say, I'm 31, I'm so old.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: And there's always a couple of people in the crowd like, uh 31's not old.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, shut up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: 31's nothing.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're a baby.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, 31.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Give me a break.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: But they're always really fucking old, so make me feel better.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Well, forgive me if I take no comfort from the jealous face of death itself.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Or Mr.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: McGoo and Maggie Smith think I'm a spring chicken, well, right.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: I know 31's not like old, old, but it's not young, young anymore either.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it's it doesn't it doesn't fizz with excitement of the 20s.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: 31's a pretty serious age.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's one of the first serious ages.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_02: Life starts to ossify at 31.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: Shit starts to get serious.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: People start committing to things long term.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like I've got to that age now where all my friends have started having uh podcasts.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I had to have one too, just to keep up with the crowd, but I wasn't ready.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: My body's falling apart already, 31.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: The body's giving up a fucking ghost, man.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: Crumbling into a disgusting paste, this body.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: Awful, just gets worse and worse at every day.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: Every morning I wake up to a new leak on this shit.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: So doesn't even have to make sense anymore.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: The shit that goes wrong with my body.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: It used to make sense.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_02: Back in the day, I'd stub my toe, then my toe would hurt.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: There's a clear line of cause and effect.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: Now my body's skip the first step, just straight to pain, unexplained.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: I just go, oh, why?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: My body's like, fuck you, that's why.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_04: You know what's crazy?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_04: Now I fall under the category of Zaddy.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_04: I'm a fucking daddy.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_04: Look, look, look, look.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_04: We're all cheering.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_04: Stop it.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_04: Stop not falling for it.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_04: There's guys that fall for that shit.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_04: Go to Instagram.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_04: Go go on go online.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_04: You'll see it.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_04: You'll see a hashtag Zaddy.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_04: Click that hashtag.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_04: You'll see a bunch of guys that look like me just fucking stupid poses.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_04: And then in the comment section, you'll say, ooh, Zaddy.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, Zaddy.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_04: Look at you, Zaddy.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_04: I ain't falling for that shit.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_04: I ain't falling for it.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_04: You're not ready for Zaddy.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_04: If you're in your 20s, stay in your fucking 20s.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_04: If you're in your 30s, stay in your 30s.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_04: You're not ready for Zaddy.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_04: Zaddy's a special kind of fucking dude.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, but I want to be with Zaddy because he'll take care of me.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_04: You need to take care of fucking Zaddy too.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_04: Zaddy got sciatica.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_04: What the fuck are you talking about?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_04: You're not ready for Zaddy.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_04: What happens if we hook up and I forget my CPAP machine?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_04: What the fuck are you gonna do?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_04: We hook up and I don't have my CPAP machine.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_04: I'm laying next to just what's wrong, Zaddy! I need a woman with experience.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_04: I need a woman that knows what to do when something like that happens.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_04: I want to go out on a date, and then she's like, hey, let's go back to my place.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm like, I don't have my CPAP machine.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_04: And she's like, my ex had two, there's one in my closet.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, ah, dang.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_04: I got distilled water today.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_04: What the fuck?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_06: Because nobody thinks of themselves as old.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_06: The reality of your age just occasionally slaps you across the face.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_06: I did this benefit for a hospital.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_06: It was a fancy event.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_06: When I showed up, the woman running the event was like, oh my gosh, we went to the same college.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_06: She was younger, but we talked and we realized we hung out at the same places.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_06: And then at the end of the event, I was leaving and she ran up.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_06: She was like, I need to know what year you graduated college.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_06: And I was like, uh, 1988.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_06: And she was like, oh my gosh, that's the year I was born.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_06: Right across the face.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't even know what to say.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, that's the year I was born too.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_06: She just looked at me like, that's not funny.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_06: And then I got in my car and stuffed food in my mouth until I stopped feeling anything.