Latest / After Maghrib 🌙 / Muslims Dating & The Talking Stage - ft. Sheikh Mohammed Al-Hilli

Transcript

Muslims Dating & The Talking Stage - ft. Sheikh Mohammed Al-Hilli · After Maghrib 🌙

0:00
Smila Rahman, Raheem Assalamu Alaikum and welcome back to
0:03
another episode here on the After Maghrib podcast.
0:06
Our brothers and sisters, if this is your first time tuning
0:09
into After Maghrib, go ahead smash that subscribe button so
0:12
you are always up to date with our weekly conversations.
0:15
Now wherever you are tuning in from around the world, firstly
0:19
we ask a lot of Pano Wattala to accept your Amala Nisha, Allah
0:22
grant to your Hajat. And if you are a regular talk to
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Mark. If you realise we have weekly
0:26
conversations on conversations that are spiritual, socials at
0:30
times when needed political and this week's conversation is one
0:35
that is critical. Now I can't have these
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conversations at all, but I'll give you a small glimpse of what
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we're about to discuss. We want you to join us on a
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journey to understand how to get to know your spouse in the right
0:48
way leading up all until the wedding day itself.
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Don't go anywhere. Stay tuned.
0:54
It's going to be a fascinating discussion with an amazing guest
0:58
who's no stranger to aftermath. And before we go to our
1:01
respected chef, I can't have these conversations alone.
1:05
Ahmed Assalahalli. I liked your intro.
1:20
Yeah. It felt difficult.
1:22
And you were like, what did you thought you like?
1:25
It was rhyming. You're like social, spiritual,
1:27
political. Today is critical.
1:28
I was like, wow, that's your, that's your poet sign coming
1:31
out. Poet and I don't know it.
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I like it how you did save you Good.
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I'm the like, you know, there's three conversations or three
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certainties in life, death, taxes, and she has talking about
1:45
marriage and today's Charlotte. We're going to be getting into
1:47
that run sisters. I know this is an area of
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discussion which a lot of you have requested and particularly
1:54
something which no matter how much we discuss it, there always
1:57
seems to be more. I was thinking about this on the
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way here. Why are we always as a community
2:03
talking about relationships and marriage and love and all of
2:06
these things. And I think it comes back to the
2:08
fact that there are always people needing to get married.
2:11
You know, this is an ever evolving community.
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The world is ever changing. And with that means the
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challenges and the opportunities we face need to be readdressed
2:21
and I think need to be kind of readdressed at the point in time
2:24
where we are today. So I think this is inshallah an
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exciting conversation to have. Brothers and sisters, make sure
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you leave your comments as we go along in the comments section.
2:32
But to introduce our guest, as Said Ali mentioned someone who's
2:35
not unfamiliar to Aftermarket and for the second time on the
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Aftermarket podcast, Sheikh Muhammad.
2:43
Ali from Sheikh. How are you keeping?
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Alhamdulillah dear brothers, lovely to see you and.
2:49
Thank you for coming, Sheikh. Thank you for being so
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persistent in like I attend this because it's a it's a real
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honour and privilege to be with you.
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The honour is ours. Thank you so much.
3:00
It feels like it's been a long time since I've seen you and I
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think it has been. It has, it has been.
3:07
How are you keeping? How's your family?
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How's your health? Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah,
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Alhamdulillah for everything. It's great.
3:17
As long as we are able to keep on the right path and do
3:23
whatever we can to serve, nothing else matters.
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Alhamdulillah for the opportunity.
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Everything has been well, trying to keep healthy.
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You're looking good. Thank you so much.
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As I've shown, everyone can tell.
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A brother, a brother once told me, listen, you guys tell us
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that we have to be spiritually fit.
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It's time for those who sit on the member to be physically so.
3:52
So that hit hard. That hit hard because we have to
3:57
practice what we preach, isn't it?
3:59
So that was a good inspiration to go on a particular journey of
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better health. It's on Hamdulillah.
4:08
It's it's, it's, it's great. But I have to explain this every
4:13
time I see one of our community members in the gym.
4:17
We're leading by example, sure. You're.
4:19
Leading by example. Honestly, just to kind of kick
4:22
off, I know this is a topic which you feel passionately
4:26
about. Before we started discussing, I
4:29
mentioned to to to you both that 11 years ago I attended your
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course with brother Abbas Morali and sister Shaheen Morali
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talking about preparation for marriage, Of course, a
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three-part course on marriage. I attended the spouse selection
4:44
part at that time and that I worked for me and I highly
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recommend it to anyone in the UK as well.
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So it's a must must attend course.
4:53
But why is this a topic which which you feel is important to
4:56
to get into? This month of Ramadan I was
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blessed to be in Australia, Brisbane, Hamdallah.
5:02
Wonderful community and a great, great lesson in patience for me
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regarding jet lag. But one of the things I did was
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in the discussions that we had with the community, I asked them
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how many in in one of the Q&A sessions, I said to them how
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many of them have had lessons before they did their driving
5:23
test and the majority said they had.
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One person said they hadn't, which I was surprised.
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I think only and I have. To keep it on and.
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Only in Iraq and those places, they jump in the car with no
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lessons. But the majority of us have
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lessons, don't we? So I then said to them, how many
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of you have had the training and preparations for marriage before
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you got married? Not as a single person.
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Raise their hands. Amongst the many challenges we
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face in our communities, especially in the Western world,
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I think not many can argue that probably marriage and parenting
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is right at the top due to so many factors that we have today.
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And I think what what is assumed normally is that we know how to
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handle the situation. We know how to find the right
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person. We know what is allowed and not
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when we meet that person. When it comes to weddings, we
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just do what we're told and there's the pressure of culture.
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Culture plays a big role and then in the marriage itself, we
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know how to handle a different gender.
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Men, they know how to handle women and the opposite is true.
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It's in their minds and their kids come about and then there's
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so many complications. There's the in laws, so it is
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such a a key subject and no matter how many discussions and
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podcasts and lectures we have, the more we train our
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communities, the more informed there are.
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The more there are useful platforms and areas they go to,
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the better I. Think that sounds, that sounds
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beautiful and this is an amazing topic because I am sure there is
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some, well almost. Maybe everyone listening to this
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is on their journey towards finding inshallah a noble,
7:05
righteous spouse. Sure, with your permission, we
7:09
begin the discussion. And I understand.
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Like when, when we're getting to know someone, we want to get
7:15
ready for marriage. There's an element of OK, we
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have to be mature, we need to be emotionally ready, we need to be
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mentally ready. What's our intention?
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What's our responsibility? But before getting there, what
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is expected of us as Muslims? What does our religion expect
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for us to prepare ourselves to find the spouse?
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I think one of the biggest challenges I faced when I go to
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communities is they tell me we want to get married but we can't
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find the right person. And often I look at them and say
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before finding the right partner, become the right
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partner beautiful. Ultimately, we have got to
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introspect and ask very important questions to ourselves
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when we are engaging in this wonderful journey to get married
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and fulfill and complete half of our Dean.
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One of the things that Islam says there has to be what you
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mentioned, the mental maturity in addition to the physical one
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and the physical one is blue, but the mental 1 is very
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critical. There are many who are talking
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about men who are not masculine and and they are struggling in
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that respect. They'll come to get married and
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they don't understand what is it to be a husband?
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What is it that you have to do? So they haven't regulated.
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They haven't understood who they are.
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Man, this introspection journey of looking at one's own self,
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you know, they'll, they'll struggle with things to do with,
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for example, have I recognized my weaknesses?
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Do I have issues to do with anger?
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Do I have mental health matters that are now I'm carrying over
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to this new life that I have with this other individual.
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I'm a topic that I'm so passionate about that
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unfortunately the Western world doesn't want to focus on and
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wants to joke about more. You see all these reels on
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Instagram and whatever is the physiological, psychological
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differences between males and females, so many a * a boy
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enters in this marriage relationship with a girl.
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They are now thinking, OK, I will, I will deal with this the
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way I've dealt with problems all my life.
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But in reality, they're very different.
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The way you should be speaking to the other gender, the way
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they understand how the brain functions is different.
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So what needs to happen, I think is what we call there needs to
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be what's referred to as emotional intelligence
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indicators, EII And how many people have looked at that in,
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in their, in the, in the journey towards finding an individual.
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So for example, some of these emotional intelligence
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indicators is how do I compromise when it comes to
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conflict? Do I know, for example, what it
10:08
is to apologize? For instance, how do I react to
10:12
criticism? Am I an effective listener?
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How do I build my spirit virtuality before marriage so
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that I can help my spouse? Do I have responsible financial
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management? Can I deal with mortgage?
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Can I deal with a loan? What happens with that?
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Am I disciplined enough when it comes to time management?
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Am I able to, you know, understand that, you know, now
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I'm no longer my own person. I have to be able to kind of
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manage the expectations that comes with a marriage and so on
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and so forth. Do I have addictions to things,
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am I addicted? Is there, you know, a problem
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with me being on the screens too much because before my marriage
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I can maybe get away with it. Now I have somebody else in my
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life to do this. Do I have a problem with my
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physical health, diet, Do I have really bad habits?
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You know, these kind of important questions an
11:12
individual needs to do for those in the UK, they will know an MOT
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of themselves before they enter marriage.
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You know, do they pass the MOT now?
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What does MOT stand for Ahmed? I don't know when they say that
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Ali knows motoring something test or whatever it is that.
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Means the car. To see if it's for those of you
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in Canada, America, India, Pakistan, anywhere, Iraq,
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Timbuktu, wherever you are. MOT is essentially a test that
11:38
car has to go through for it to be fit on the road.
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Are we fit to be married? And I don't want to complicate
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matters. I don't want people to say, oh,
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look, look at this. As hard as he is getting married
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now he's saying we have to work on ourselves.
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But the problem is too many times people get married or they
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start this relationship and they're not ready.
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And the fact that they're not ready will create so many
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problems because as they lived together in this marital
12:03
relationship, they Start learning.
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But then sometimes you don't have that patient partner who
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can help you learn and understand who you are.
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And then problems happen and, and unfortunately start
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drifting. And today we do have loads of
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conflicts in marriage and breakdowns in marital
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relationships and we're dealing with a lot of them,
12:23
unfortunately. So, yeah, and I think look,
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there's, obviously I know we're trying to focus more on the
12:28
marriage conversation today as opposed to divorce, but it all
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stems back originally. And I think there's an element
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of it which stems back to kind of the root marriage and the,
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the, the intention when getting married, the expectations you
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have on your partner when getting married.
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And then obviously all the other psychological effects that we
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have living in the society we live in.
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So the red pill movement and the masculinity Dr. which you've
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talked a lot about kind of the, the digital age and the
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expectation you, you as a man have of women and women in
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society and vice versa. All of these things play a part.
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One thing we're told a lot is, well, for those who are speaking
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you, you always hear that I'm looking for the right person and
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I don't know what to do and I don't know how to act.
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And people say, well, just be yourself.
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And I think that I, I appreciate there's a desire and a need for
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authenticity. Be your authenticity self.
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I get that. I agree with that.
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However, I think there's a keyword there which is missing,
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which is be the best versions of yourself when you're speaking to
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someone. And I think you've kind of
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alluded to that when you kind of reference that we need to do our
13:35
soul searching, we need to reflect as to who we are and do
13:38
we truly know who we are? What are our strengths and our
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weaknesses? What are our pitfalls and our
13:43
kind of our best qualities and our characteristics and how can
13:48
we utilise that to build a better society?
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Once you find someone, so let's say you're speaking to someone,
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things are going well. You know, you're you think that
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you can envisage your life with this person.
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What would you say as someone who's seen, I would imagine
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hundreds, if not thousands of marriages and nikahs and
14:08
ceremonies Masha'allah and long may continue scholarships.
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But what what are some critical do's and don'ts kind of in the,
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let's say the the the phase approaching the engagement or
14:19
kind of the formalisation? I guess one of the things that
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happens is that people firstly start off with an istikhara.
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Oh, really? We're going to touch on some
14:33
nerves in this episode, so a warning to those who are, you
14:38
know, probably sensitive about this because ultimately we have
14:41
to tackle these subjects and they are causing a lot of
14:45
issues. There are people today who are
14:48
misusing Estehara in marriage a lot.
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I don't have a problem, but with estehara as a concept, I'm
14:56
nobody to have an issue. But the the issue the the the
14:59
thing that most scholars talk about is that 90% of narrations
15:03
that exist on Istihara is not about the Istihara that we
15:07
commonly do today. The Istihara that's highly
15:10
recommended by the Alibait Ali Musalam is to ask Allah
15:13
Subhanahu ta'ala fahir for anything you do.
15:16
I've come now for this podcast on the way home, on the way out
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of home. I say you're Allah.
15:22
I'm going for this podcast. Make it higher for me.
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That's the estacara not necessarily getting a sip ha on
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opening the Quran. Should I do this or not?
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Which what he's doing is suspending the ACL and the
15:35
rational ability for the individual and consultation.
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By the way, you know, a very key component of getting ready for
15:43
marriage is for these boys and girls, these men and women to
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have consultations with others who've gone through similar
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process. How did you go through it, help
15:50
me, etcetera. And by the way, just on the on
15:52
the side, there are two, two unfortunate extremes.
15:55
There are those who say we have to get married really early
15:58
because Islam says get married really early, early marriage.
16:01
And there are those unfortunately leaving it really
16:04
late in their 30s, especially our sisters and delaying it
16:07
unnecessarily. And we're not calling for that.
16:10
We're saying somewhere in the middle whereby you're ready, you
16:13
could be ready. There are people who are mature
16:16
and mentally mature when they're 1718 and there are many who are
16:19
not. So you've got to be able to get
16:23
an idea from your friends and those are close to you as to
16:27
where you are and start asking very important questions.
16:30
But they're more the, the issues that happen when people get to
16:33
know each other is, you know, in addition to this idea of seeking
16:38
Estihara first and so on, which I don't encourage people to do
16:41
is how they speak to each other. And I don't know if you remember
16:49
in the courses we maybe 11 years ago, but we do normally do a
16:53
role play where we get, you know, both Abbas and Shahin,
16:57
they sit there and it's as if they're getting to know each
16:59
other. And I often ask people if you
17:03
have friends, you know, handle that.
17:05
We are all friends. How did we become friends?
17:08
Did we come and look at each other and say, excuse me,
17:11
brother Ahmed, I have a series of questions I need to ask you.
17:15
And then you're like, OK, so the first question is which football
17:19
team do you support? Which major do you follow which
17:22
this? And then if it takes, OK, can I
17:24
be your friend? That never works.
17:27
That's not how you become friends.
17:30
The idea is when you're finding somebody for marriage, you're
17:33
supposed to be good strong friends.
17:36
You share everything with them and, and, and you're their
17:38
lifelong partners. So it is not about getting a
17:42
list and asking questions, but most people will have that.
17:45
Most people have lists and questions and take them out and
17:49
it will become an interview process.
17:50
And an interview process normally results in answers
17:54
which the other side wants to hear.
17:57
Okay, and which speaker do you listen to, Helly?
18:00
Oh no, forget, I don't want you, you know, stuff like that,
18:04
right? So so it becomes a very robotic
18:07
becomes not something sincere and genuine.
18:10
You've gotta have normal conversations the way we're
18:13
having at the moment, you know, topics that are open up.
18:17
Yeah, you, you you've got to be able to kind of we're not
18:20
calling for people to be liberal and just have very between, you
18:24
know, they're still non Maharam, but you can have a very good
18:27
conversation with somebody talking about your own
18:30
experiences, talking about how things have been and generally
18:33
like that to get to know the the other person.
18:36
And there are ways to kind of navigate some some questions
18:41
that you might have, which is mainly to talk about your own
18:44
experiences, see their reaction to the to it.
18:46
If you want to find out, for example, what they think about
18:49
something rather than asking them directly.
18:53
What do you think about the importance of Ziara?
18:55
What is she going to tell you? Obviously she's going to say, I
18:57
love Ziara. I'd love to go for Ziara, you
19:01
know, because if you're asking what's how important is Ziara,
19:04
she'll know, she'll think that Ziara is important for you.
19:07
She won't say no. You know what, I don't think
19:09
it's that important. I think that meeting is going to
19:11
last maybe 2 minutes and then there will be a famous for the
19:14
Hafiz or Salah afterwards. So the, one of the common
19:18
mistakes is not understanding how to go about these particular
19:22
meetings. And, and, and also, you know, I
19:26
would say another thing very important.
19:27
And recently I've been receiving a lot of messages about this.
19:30
And I mentioned it last year in Fatimi and I got a bit of a
19:32
backlash because I focused mostly on the boys.
19:36
But I'll say it's, it's, it's kind of also working on both
19:38
sides. And that is when these meetings
19:40
are taking too long, too long means months and months.
19:44
And eventually people walk out because they feel, Oh well,
19:49
you're not really the person for me.
19:51
And I know this is happening a lot from the boys side.
19:55
And it's harder for the girls to accept it because for them, they
19:58
get emotionally attached. But many of the brothers said to
20:01
me, by the way, it's happening also with our sisters where they
20:05
take us for a ride as well. And that has to be spoken about.
20:10
You know, brothers and sisters, let's be honest with each other.
20:13
Let's before a lost Panat Allah, you're dealing with a human
20:16
being, a respectful human being you have.
20:18
I've got to make this a priority.
20:20
If you're not serious about the person after the first or second
20:23
meeting, just say I'm so sorry. I don't want to keep you.
20:26
Whatever. I just don't want to pursue this
20:30
and be honest before I lost parent.
20:31
I don't say, yeah, there's that. The other keep dragging the
20:34
situation and it's not allowed for people to be meeting
20:39
different people at the same time, you know, with the hope of
20:44
one of them, you know, coming out to be the best.
20:47
You know, I'm meeting this girl and this girl and this girl and
20:50
this girl. This, like you said, the
20:51
influence of other isms and all these movements out there that's
20:55
making us, we need to decolonize our minds.
20:57
Our minds are so infiltrated with these kind of practices of
21:01
Western culture. Some of these practices may be
21:04
OK, but a lot of them may not be.
21:06
And we have to be able to do it in the way Islam encourages us
21:09
to do it. Beautiful that you mentioned
21:12
this. It reminds me of there was a
21:15
brother I was having a discussion with where Handel,
21:18
he's been trying to also get married and he's been in the
21:21
skin. It's in all period of whether it
21:23
was weeks or months, whoever it is, but many times there was
21:26
always he felt like there was some pressure He wanted to say
21:29
no he wanted to move on just stop the talking.
21:32
We have pressure from the family.
21:33
No, you should make it work. We think they're suitable.
21:36
We love the family things like this, so went on and went on and
21:39
then eventually after many weeks and months and but didn't fall
21:43
in place. But just talking about pressure.
21:45
Definitely. You know, it's nice to mention
21:47
like all of these points that use the dolls, the tips and the
21:49
tricks and but I feel like sometimes many of us, if I'm
21:52
real, we grow up. We want to avoid Haram, we grow
21:57
up, we want to please allow, we want to complete and protect our
22:00
other half of our Dean, for example.
22:02
And then we had these narrations by Russell Allah, Allah, Ali
22:05
Ali, where he mentions, for example, you know, marriage.
22:08
I said protects half your Dean. And the if you come along and
22:10
you see a brother is the clock is good, his faith is good.
22:15
Don't say no, accept him. But there's a lot of pressure to
22:18
that. And they say, for example, OK,
22:21
I'm not sure I like his Dean. I like his clock.
22:26
I'm going to say yeah. Is that the right mindset to
22:28
have or is that the bare minimum?
22:30
It's absolutely the bare minimum and I think in today's world
22:34
there are two problems. One, there's high expectations
22:38
that people have. They want the miss the perfect
22:40
or miss perfect. And the the second thing is that
22:46
they don't know exactly who they are.
22:49
Therefore they don't know who should be, they should be
22:51
looking for. So for example, people asked me
22:55
today, what are some very key important qualities I should be
22:59
looking for in a, in a, in a, in a wife or in a husband.
23:03
And I would say one of them is to be flexible in life in that
23:09
not to be stubborn to say either my way or the highway.
23:14
And that usually unfortunately creates a lot of problems.
23:19
We have people exhibiting narcissistic behaviours,
23:22
controlling behaviour out there, men and women, for example, you
23:27
know, they, they feel like they have to impose themselves on the
23:31
other. And, and this is key for people
23:33
to understand that, you know, ultimately when you're getting
23:37
married, nobody is somehow superior in, in many, in
23:43
everything in life over the other person.
23:45
They don't own the other person. The husband doesn't own the wife
23:47
and the wife doesn't own the husband and so on and so forth.
23:51
I think what has to be understood is religion.
23:54
Obviously, Iman and akhlaq are the main kind of ceiling where
24:02
people have to look at, towards and from there.
24:07
There has to be all these key qualities.
24:09
Now we call them core values. Core values that are absolutely
24:13
important and essential. For example, for some people
24:17
they are. I've been told there's a trend
24:20
of hijabi sisters taking their hijab off because the boy who
24:24
they're getting to know says I don't want to hijabi.
24:29
That's crazy. It's.
24:29
Happening. Yeah, it's happening.
24:31
Communities as well. Yeah, absolutely.
24:34
So So what happens is she's saying, you know what, it's OK
24:37
because I'm in my 30s. I'm not getting married.
24:39
I've got to do this so that I can get married or, or the, the,
24:44
the, the, the girl is telling the boy, you know, take me who I
24:50
am. I love to, you know, dress up in
24:53
a tight all make up and everything.
24:57
And I, I listen to music. I do all this and you've got to
25:00
do this with me as well. And he says, OK fine, maybe I'll
25:03
change her later. It works both ways.
25:06
You know the idea that let's just get married now.
25:08
Hopefully in the future things will work out.
25:12
My message to the sisters who are thinking of taking their
25:17
hijab for the sake of marriage is don't do it because the
25:21
person who is proposing or wants you as their wife does not
25:27
deserve you, does not deserve you.
25:30
You have to hold on to the hijab of Fatima and Zainab Salaam
25:34
Alaim and do not let go of this. Do not let go of any of your
25:38
Islamic principles. And I think what I want to
25:41
really encourage all my lovely sisters and brothers out there
25:45
to think about is marriage is your platform to excellence and
25:50
getting close to a Los Panatala. Don't start off on the wrong
25:53
footing. If you are going to disobey
25:56
Allah, you're not going to get a happy life.
25:59
You're not going to be in a joyful, blessed relationship.
26:04
If the beginning of the marriage is I'm going to sacrifice what
26:08
Allah wants me to do so that I can maybe get some happiness.
26:11
It's a fallacy. You're not going to be happy.
26:14
It is what the Western world, you know, keeps telling you this
26:17
or from soap operas, Hollywood, Bollywood, all these kind of
26:20
things. It's not going to work.
26:21
Stick to Allah, stick to what's right and wrong islamically and
26:26
you'll be fine inshallah. Chef, do you think we're too
26:29
critical on ourselves in many cases?
26:31
So, and if you don't mind, I'm going to play devil's advocate.
26:35
So one or two things you've said because I had a conversation
26:37
with a friend last week who spent a long time looking for
26:42
the right person. Hamdulillahi finally met her and
26:44
he's been married for around a year now.
26:47
And he told me, he said I would do this thing where I'd have my
26:52
essentials and my desirables. And when I started speaking to a
26:56
sister, of course, he wouldn't treat it like a job interview
26:59
and immediately start throwing do this.
27:02
What's your view on this? What's your opinion on this?
27:04
Have you ever done this? And however, he'd say he'd do it
27:07
within kind of the first hour of speaking collectively, whether
27:11
that's over a few phone calls or whatever it is or a face to face
27:16
meeting. But in essence, his argument
27:19
was, why would I waste my time? And like you said, getting to
27:24
know someone, perhaps getting emotionally invested, wasting
27:27
their time, wasting my time, and then ultimately finding out.
27:31
Oh, well, you know, they don't care that much about solar or
27:33
they don't care that much about hijab or they want to.
27:36
They, they want nothing to do with my family or their in laws
27:40
or whatever it is. Obviously people have different
27:42
kind of preferences. That's the first thing.
27:45
So is there a stage where it is comfortable and is it at all
27:49
comfortable to ask? Because I've even seen people
27:52
say let's do personality tests and let's do what are they
27:55
called MBTI, the MBTI, the MBTI, right?
27:57
Briggs. Sorry, Myers.
27:59
Briggs is cool. Myers Briggs yes, and there's
28:02
another one as well. There's a few of these kind of
28:04
horoscopes. All that I think horoscopes is
28:07
nonsense, but nonetheless. So that's the first thing.
28:10
Is there ever a time in a place where you can ask these
28:13
questions, especially on things which are more cultural?
28:16
So for example, Aza, you know, what's your view on this
28:20
practice of Aza? What's your view on this
28:24
cultural thing that we do as a as a especially in intercultural
28:27
marriages as well? I would say the questions are
28:30
OK. What I was trying to say is
28:31
sometimes instead of asking a question, there are other ways
28:35
to get the information out. And one very effective way is to
28:40
talk about what you feel about something or to talk about a
28:44
story of somebody even. Sometimes you've got to make up
28:48
these stories. Or I heard this person who was
28:50
married and he, he, he loved LATAM and Latamia and his wife
28:56
didn't. And they got into a big fight
28:59
because she was like, stop it. I don't want this.
29:01
This is this is not right. This is bothering, you know,
29:04
stuff like this. And then see her reaction or see
29:07
her reaction. And then you're like, that's
29:09
that's not right. You know, there's nothing wrong
29:11
with it. Or she might say or he might
29:13
say, yeah, you know what? I'm uncomfortable with these
29:15
people beating their chests. You got your answer.
29:19
You got your answer there. So as much as possible, there
29:23
needs to be an indirect because we're just trying to avoid
29:26
people. Because I've dealt with so many
29:29
marital cases where people say in the when we sat down, he was
29:35
brilliant. He was, you know, saying all the
29:38
right. Things at the.
29:39
Moment I, we got married together he's like a different
29:43
human being and, and I guess I guess I mean I, I, I, this is
29:50
controversial in the Iraqi community, but I, I like the
29:52
Hoja model of. Thank you.
29:55
I like the Hoja model of the good usage of temporary marriage
30:02
where OK, they get engaged, but they don't actually do their
30:06
niqah until a while later, several months.
30:11
And in that process they get to know each other because they
30:13
halal for each other, but there are restrictions, but they can
30:16
go out, they have conversations, stuff like this.
30:19
At the very least that's a good thing that protects.
30:22
But in many other communities they don't allow that.
30:25
So you've met somebody for a few hours and then a few meetings
30:29
and then you think they're the right person.
30:30
Then you're not allowed to see them or go out with them.
30:33
And then you have the Nika hacked and then you know it's
30:38
OK, but then it doesn't. It's not necessarily going to
30:41
give you a a proper reflection so you can ask the questions,
30:44
but it's better. If I can ask one more question
30:47
specifically on something you said, you said everyone or some
30:50
people want Mr. Perfect or Mrs. Perfect.
30:53
Now I know what you mean. Like you'll never find someone
30:55
with everything. It is very rare.
30:57
Unlike said, I'd say it only has everything but Mashallah say
31:03
most of all has everything as well.
31:04
Shall save however nonetheless. As in I see where you're coming
31:11
from but is it wrong to expect the best?
31:13
So for example, if someone has Dean and they have a clock Iman
31:16
and a clock, but for example, they are unemployed, they don't
31:21
have an income or for example, I don't know, I don't I'm not
31:25
physically attracted to them or whatever it might be.
31:29
To what degree do I have to compromise?
31:31
Do I prioritise Dean and o'clock?
31:33
I know you said that they're kind of the ceilings, but is is
31:37
there a right or wrong answer or is it?
31:38
I'm not at old school and say, no, you don't need to be
31:44
attracted. There has to be some attractive.
31:47
There has to be something. But the extreme is this high
31:50
idea of chemistry and soulmate. I mean, I'm personally the
31:55
definition of soulmate where people say this, this is exactly
31:59
the person for myself and there's no one else.
32:02
And this I'm I'm very much against.
32:05
I don't think this should be supported.
32:07
Why? Because people are delaying
32:09
marriages because simply they're looking for that Mister Perfect
32:12
or Miss Perfect out there. Nobody's perfect other than Imam
32:17
Saheb Al Asira Zamahala Farajah. He's a Masoom who is alive.
32:22
All the rest of us have flaws. The key thing is we can't change
32:25
others, but we can change ourselves.
32:27
So in a marital relationship, what happens is if we find
32:31
someone who can help us to change in the sense that it's
32:36
the best of the mirror. You know, a believer is the
32:39
mirror for each other. Believer.
32:40
Yeah. And.
32:43
And the best relationship should be husband and wife in that
32:46
respect, right. So what needs to happen is for
32:51
an individual to know that, listen, if there are flaws, I
32:54
can work around them as long as they're not fundamental.
32:57
I can't deal with them and it's the red lines for me.
33:01
I can try and work around them and and we together, we become
33:05
better human beings, better in the eyes of Allah.
33:07
That's why completing half of marriage is competing half of
33:11
the religion. There's still half to go.
33:14
There was this this guy who said I, I, you know, have completed
33:23
all of my religion. I said, how?
33:24
He said, I've married two women. I said that doesn't work like.
33:29
He tricked the system, yeah. He tricked the system.
33:31
It's not like people. Complete 2 religions.
33:34
They marry four. Yeah.
33:36
Exactly. It's it's a fallacy.
33:38
So ultimately there are way that it's very important for us not
33:42
to have high expectations, but also not to say, oh, well, you
33:45
know what, I don't feel connected to this person in any
33:47
shape or form. There's nothing that I'm looking
33:49
for in them, but they have the quality that everyone says it's
33:51
good. I'm just going to risk it.
33:53
No, you've got to be able to have your set of expectations,
33:58
but not too much, sure. That sounds beautiful.
34:01
Definitely. You know, during this whole
34:03
getting to know a period, you know, there's a lot of there's
34:06
lots of conversations that happen.
34:07
There's lots of interactions. People go to each other,
34:10
families home, sometimes they go out in cafes in a public place,
34:14
for example. Then that conversation, you
34:16
know, goes home over the phone on WhatsApp, and when they speak
34:20
online, they could be speaking on the telephone.
34:22
At what stage does it stop becoming halal?
34:25
Because everyone wants to build some sort of relationship before
34:29
they commit fully to the marriage, right?
34:31
But at what point do do I know as an individual now I'm
34:35
crossing the boundary. Now this conversation is no
34:38
longer halal. Where's the?
34:40
Great question, Sid. It's a fantastic question
34:42
because I'm pretty sure those sisters and brothers watching,
34:48
some of them maybe have gone through this and they're
34:51
wondering maybe I, I did go through, you know, a point where
34:55
I should have stopped. Because naturally between a male
34:58
and a female, there's going to be attraction.
35:00
And then the more time you spend with each other, the more you're
35:04
going to be comfortable with each other and the more you
35:06
start exchanging words and emojis between each other, which
35:13
you're not supposed to be doing. I think you've got to always
35:17
remind yourself that the person is still non Maharam and that is
35:21
key. Meaning I can't be expressing
35:27
words that are used between lovers.
35:31
I give you an example. Let's be honest.
35:32
I'll be honest and say you look beautiful.
35:36
That dress looks amazing on you. You look stunning.
35:40
Or Mashallah that sticks back on you.
35:42
You know, it's making me feel wow, you know, those kind of
35:46
expression, you know, emojis, kisses, you know, that kind of
35:52
thing or I I love you, you're this XXX.
35:56
You know, after this. This is all not right, not right
36:00
between people who are not married yet or not even engaged
36:04
Islamically. By the way, engaged doesn't mean
36:07
you're just announced that you're both together.
36:09
Has to be engaged Islamically for you to be able to have that
36:13
way that you're relaxed in the way that you speak to each
36:16
other. When you go out hugging, holding
36:20
hands, sitting in a very, kind of very close to each others
36:25
faces, all these things must not happen When you're getting to
36:28
know each other as much as possible, you need to keep it
36:32
formal. Islam says that's the
36:34
healthiest, that's the right thing and it's the way that
36:38
Allah wants it. I know people say, but I'm
36:40
getting to know her. I need to be, you know, relaxed
36:43
and cool and chill with her. And that's how it is.
36:45
It's not how it is, you know, trust Allah, trust the process,
36:50
trust the religion. That's what we've got to do.
36:53
It's not about what our mind tells us or what feminism or
36:57
liberalism and, and all these isms tell us.
37:00
It is what Islam tells us that's the right thing to do.
37:04
And the other thing I think what we have to be careful about is
37:10
that we are told in narrations not to be alone, you know, in,
37:16
in, in places in case Shaitaan becomes the 3rd.
37:19
And so it could, if we are able to safeguard ourselves, making
37:24
sure that Haram doesn't take place, then potentially could be
37:28
OK. But you know, it's better
37:30
sometimes if we're at home, the door is open or, you know,
37:33
people are able to come in and out just in case, you know, an
37:36
individual gives in to their desires, God forbid.
37:39
And that, you know, nobody, nobody can be absolutely sure
37:42
that they will be OK. By the way, for those
37:46
interested, and I don't want to promote my lectures, but there
37:49
is the, there is the Islamic permissibility of seeing a girl
37:54
without hijab for marriage. If you're serious to get married
38:00
to her. You can see her without hijab in
38:03
person or as a picture in person doesn't happen these days.
38:09
It used to happen back in the time and they used to come in,
38:12
somebody looks at them and then they leave.
38:15
Now it happens potentially in the picture, but there are rules
38:17
to it. There are, you know, specific
38:21
conditions for this to take place.
38:23
I've described this in a lecture last for the Mia seeing a woman
38:29
without hijab for marriage is there it's an entire medulist
38:33
and a whole hour about the rules, what is allowed, what's
38:36
not allowed. So people can go back to it and
38:38
and double check. But for example, one of the
38:41
things there is you can't take A and say, oh, and and then start
38:47
admiring and start having lustful thoughts.
38:49
That's not possible. And one brother came to me
38:51
afterwards and said, come on. But I'm supposed to get married
38:53
to her. I want to have feelings towards
38:56
the, you know, that person, you know, DC, that the people start
39:00
to impose certain things on their minds.
39:03
You don't need to have feelings. You just have a look.
39:05
If there are features that you like and it's something that
39:08
you, that's it. You, you know, you don't need to
39:10
look again and and so on and so forth.
39:12
Are you allowed to look again? Yes, if it's necessary and
39:15
you're not going to fall into harm, for example, but you can
39:18
check that lecture. I think that I think it's in
39:21
circumstantially time and place. You'll know whether you feel a
39:24
pull and an inclination. Yeah, she's good looking.
39:27
I know she's good looking. If your, if your heart is
39:30
telling you she's good looking, Hollos like that's it, you know,
39:33
and I think there's ways, you know, even sending pictures
39:35
nowadays, you need to be careful.
39:37
And I just want to mention as well having conversations with
39:41
people. One way which people do it is
39:43
someone will show them like like the phone and then move the
39:47
phone from them. Yes, perhaps.
39:48
So that way it can't be saved, it can't be recorded or you
39:52
can't prolong the the view of it.
39:54
I encourage that because unfortunately the idea of God
39:57
forbid people sharing it, yes, not every high risk, high risk,
40:00
you've got to delete it if if you were sent it.
40:03
This is a hormone, this is sacredness of another believer.
40:06
It's just that you've got to delete it straight away.
40:09
No sharing and nothing. Absolutely, and obviously we
40:11
have view once on what's happened, all these things, but
40:14
just to be safe, I think you can share, sorry, you can have
40:17
someone show you and obviously people are around you in the
40:19
room, right. So, you know, be a more
40:21
civilized, A controlled environment Chef.
40:23
I I, I want to move on towards the wedding sort of element of
40:27
things. So you found someone, you're
40:28
happy, you like how they look with our hijab, if you even do
40:32
that. I think we're blessed, we're
40:35
lucky and honoured because not only do we have the Quran, we
40:38
have the the perfect examples of the Al debate, Alayhi Musalam.
40:42
We have say the Fatima and Miramat Manin Alayh Musalam.
40:45
And we've seen the the love in their marriage.
40:48
And every time we have a wedding in the community, we reference
40:51
back to their marriage, amongst many others, the Haiti prophet
40:54
and say Khadija Salam, Alayhi Alayhar and so many others.
40:58
But particularly one thing which I really want to understand is
41:03
how to start off correctly. Earlier on in the discussion,
41:07
you referenced this starting off in the right way, FISA Bilala
41:11
doing it the right way. I'm invited to a wedding or
41:14
actually a couple of weddings in the next couple of weeks.
41:17
And one of these weddings, I was told that there's going to be a
41:23
band playing up. So I can't again, it's a
41:27
community wedding. And I mentioned it to to someone
41:30
who I I'm going with or what was invited by, rather I should say.
41:35
And I said, this is interesting. Like this is a, a shit out
41:38
wedding, shit out community. They're lucky, but it's just for
41:41
one part of it. It's just for one element.
41:43
They're going to come in and then come out and OK, fine.
41:46
This is, you know, maybe it needs a further discussion, but
41:49
I wanted to ask you how best to approach this conversation.
41:52
I'm sure it's evolved as you know over the decades you've
41:55
been speaking. The state of our weddings and,
41:59
and, and we have to talk about it cross culturally because I
42:03
don't want to pick on one particular culture.
42:05
I think the respected sisters and brothers watching from
42:08
different cultures will probably be able to relate to this has
42:12
deteriorated over time, especially in the western world
42:16
and back in places like maybe the India, Pakistan, Iran,
42:21
Middle East, Lebanon. In terms of the fact that people
42:26
are now considering a day off. There is the normalization of
42:32
sinning and disobedience for lost Panatala.
42:35
There is an increase number of practices that are Haram that is
42:39
taking place. I call it when we send an invite
42:45
to Shaytan to attend the wedding, you know, we, we send
42:49
invites to people and we send an invite and we say please, you're
42:53
welcome. You know, Akkad is sent to
42:55
Shaytan. And we're missing the point that
42:58
marriage is the most sacred institution in the eyes of a
43:03
lost planet, more than a hospital and an orphanage and a
43:06
school. And it's sacred because Allah
43:09
Subhanautallah wants this family unit to be God centric and to
43:14
start on a strong footing. What is happening out there is
43:18
people say don't be Haram, police chill.
43:22
This is a night where we want to enjoy ourselves, we want to
43:26
relax, we want to have fun. And in the name of fun and
43:30
entertainment and in the name of seeking happiness and joy,
43:35
things are happening which saddens us and we have to speak
43:39
out. And the reason why I'm, you
43:41
know, I want to speak out on this is on my duty to enjoin the
43:46
good and forbid the evil. And, and this is a forgotten
43:49
responsibility, this idea of us coming out and saying, listen,
43:53
there are trends in our society that are unacceptable.
43:56
We have got to address them starting from parents to towards
44:00
the actual couple themselves because because they both have a
44:02
role to stand up and do things properly across cultures.
44:07
Things are happening in weddings on the night itself.
44:11
And by the way, you'll probably be able to tell me more than us
44:15
as Iraqis, but there are 6 or 7 events that have been apparently
44:21
taking place and I managed to even get their names.
44:25
The ones called Dolki, 1 is called Mayun, 1 is called
44:28
Mehndi. And the stuff I've had reports
44:31
from people who have attended them who are telling me exactly
44:35
what happens in the dolke in the Mayur.
44:37
And we can go in and we can go into it particularly, but every
44:45
single culture, and I will not exclude any, are have raised the
44:51
sin bar to a high level in the sense that there are so many
44:55
acts of disorder. I don't want to generalize to
44:57
say everyone's doing it, but the ones who are not doing it are
45:00
the minority. And that is where the problem
45:04
lies. And we have got to address each
45:06
and every issue that is taking place in these weddings, I
45:09
think. Where should we start?
45:12
What what where would you how would you do you want to do it?
45:15
Is is that you know what? Is is that?
45:17
Right. In terms of severity, I.
45:19
Don't know if it's severity because some some families would
45:22
probably right do some more than others.
45:24
But let's discuss some. First of all, extravagance.
45:27
Yeah, the amount of money that's been spent on some of these
45:30
weddings is not something that will be pleasing to Allah span
45:34
of to Allah the Holy Prophet and the Alibait, especially the
45:36
amount of our time and journal to Allah Faraja.
45:39
Yeah, because marriage is supposed to be something that is
45:41
facilitated for our youth. And today there are people
45:44
delaying it because they can't afford.
45:46
Now, I I don't know, let me ask you the question.
45:48
How much do you think an average wedding is costing these days?
45:52
10s of thousands? 10s of thousands?
45:54
If not. So I've been told that an
45:57
average 50 to 70 K in the UK and in America and in Canada, there
46:02
are weddings that are costing up to half $1,000,000 from within
46:06
our communities because they're getting the bands, they're
46:11
getting these extraordinary flowers.
46:14
You know, it's all about the show.
46:16
It's all about social media. It's all about how does it look
46:19
for the others, right? You know, in this day and age,
46:23
it's, it's all become similar to this, even in parties.
46:26
And these gender reveals as well, by the way, this needs a
46:29
different podcast. But have you seen these gender
46:35
reveals where they've spent so much in order for something to
46:39
explode and it's either pink or blue and they've spent thousands
46:43
of dollars on it so that. They know tell the.
46:46
World it's a boy or a girl, you know, and this is becoming even
46:51
much worse in weddings. Why?
46:53
Because I have to keep up not with the Joneses, but with the
46:58
so-called. I don't want to mention any
46:59
families name in case somebody you know, but the Shia families
47:02
out there. And my issue here is not about
47:04
Sunni and you know, it's the Shia families that are
47:07
practicing this and it's the practicing and the non
47:10
practicing the, the so-called religious and then on religious,
47:14
they're all in this together. And sadly, you know, I, it
47:17
saddens me to say this, but even people who are not, who are
47:21
considered people who are fairly practising are following the
47:25
trend because they feel the need to keep up with, with everybody
47:30
else. The expenditure spent on the
47:34
food, the expenditure spent on the cakes on on, for example,
47:40
the pressure for people to bring certain presents or to dress up
47:46
in a particular way and then it has to be a certain dress for
47:50
and so on and so forth. So extravagance I think
47:52
unfortunately is one major issue.
47:55
But of course we have to discuss, I think arguably the
47:58
biggest problem and that is the music and the dancing as well as
48:03
the free mixing that is taking place in these weddings.
48:08
The ruling of the ulama and the maraja is very clear and I think
48:13
unfortunately, when it comes to weddings, people seem to switch
48:15
off from their outrageous obligations.
48:16
No, no, no, they don't want to know or they don't want to ask
48:20
what is allowed, what is not allowed.
48:22
Today our, for Kaha, our Maraja, including for example, Aitola
48:26
Sistani and many of the maraja, they say that dancing in all
48:30
forms is Haram in marriage, said Stanley has based on oblique
48:35
precaution of the Malaga also says Haram between men, women
48:40
and women and in some cultures. And I have to say, I can't say
48:44
this because I'm Iraqi. So I, I, I usually come down
48:46
hard on the Iraqi community. I've been told that, you know,
48:50
unfortunately amongst the women, the way that they are dancing is
48:54
very provocative, very wrong. And it's unacceptable with the
48:59
music that goes on and, and, and the type of music that's being
49:02
played out there, OK. The dancing between husband and
49:06
wife together in front of others.
49:09
It's happening a lot in the Lebanese community, in the Iraqi
49:12
community, in the Pakistani Indian communities hold this
49:16
happening and people are watching and they're clapping
49:19
for them to dance together. This is haraah.
49:21
It's unacceptable In which what? How, how are they justifying
49:25
this? And also on what grounds are
49:28
they beginning their marriage? You know this is this is where
49:31
can I? Ask a 30 technicality.
49:34
So you said according to Sistanian, I'm sure many of the
49:37
other grandma Raja dancing within brothers or and within
49:42
sisters is Haram. Does that include for example,
49:47
like slot to give specifics for horse art and all of that kind
49:51
of stuff as well? Dancing.
49:53
Yeah, I mean, not dance. I wish I knew Hozart.
49:55
If it's yeah, I mean dancing or fun, it's known.
50:01
Generally in the community society, if somebody is dancing,
50:04
then they will be known as dancing.
50:07
There are people who have discussed the depth care.
50:09
There are people who have discussed these traditional kind
50:11
of going back and forth. Is this really dancing?
50:13
It's difficult to be absolutely sure.
50:16
What we're talking about here is that people tune of music that's
50:20
Haram to the tune of music and looking their body in a very
50:24
disrespectful manner that is clearly unacceptable in the eyes
50:28
of Allah and in Islamic law. And that is where it's been
50:32
taken lightly. People think that they can they
50:36
can just do it for the sake of a one night or for the sake of
50:40
marriage as well. And the idea here is that people
50:43
also do it when not dressed properly.
50:46
You know, men and women, these mixed gatherings and mixed
50:49
weddings are happening where dancing takes place right in
50:51
front of each other and and people watch.
50:54
Now, what is interesting, I was told by somebody that in certain
50:59
cultures they used to, back in the time, pay people to come and
51:04
dance and in weddings. So they bring women and others
51:08
where they're experts in dancing and they would dance in front of
51:11
the other women and so on to kind of teach them how to do it.
51:13
Unfortunately, what's happening today is, and instead of paying
51:16
people, the, these girls, these young, you know, 20 women, they
51:22
are become experts and they're the ones who are leading these
51:25
dancing sessions in front of other women.
51:27
So it's evolved to the extent that instead of people being
51:32
bought, which is wrong as well, to, to do this, people
51:35
themselves are leading others towards this.
51:39
And if that doesn't happen in weddings, oh, it's boring.
51:43
It's, it's, it's an unconventional wedding or that
51:46
was such a, you know, rubbish wedding because there was no
51:48
music. There was no, you know, dancing
51:51
taking place. And unfortunately it's
51:53
deteriorating. One thing I have to say as well
51:56
is I'm uncomfortable and I think it's wrong.
51:59
And this won't be popular with many Iraqis watching, but the
52:03
idea of boys entering where the girl is and then taking the girl
52:08
out. And they're dancing.
52:10
And then the girl is walking and the the women are looking and
52:13
the women are fully in makeup. And some sisters say, yeah, you
52:17
know, we're covering our faces so that men don't look at us.
52:21
And that kind of thing is not a good.
52:24
It's not. I can never imagine it being a
52:27
source of pleasure in the heart of our holy 12th Imam.
52:31
You know, would you be happy with this kind of trends that
52:33
are deteriorating and people are taking it lightly.
52:36
And I think we have to lead by example as parents towards our
52:40
youngsters from the beginning and say, listen, this is not
52:43
something that I accept and I will not allow.
52:46
And then what is happening as well is sometimes parents are
52:49
the ones pressurizing their youngsters.
52:51
We want this kind of music, we want this kind of dancing
52:54
because they can't be criticized, that people fear
52:56
their reputation in the community, that they had the
52:59
boring wedding and not the so-called fun and entertainment.
53:04
There's so many ways to. Shocking to hear there's so many
53:06
ways to still make weddings fun, though.
53:09
Yeah. I mean, like I went to a wedding
53:10
a few years ago and it's, it's, you can still have fun and it
53:16
might be, you know, you like the, the emotion that you want.
53:19
So like, you know, everyone's involved.
53:21
It's engaging is trivia or whatever.
53:23
There's, there's some sort of like humour or whatever it is.
53:26
You know, I had, I went to a wedding a few years ago.
53:28
My my friend had a stage and he would pull people up from the
53:33
crowd and make them do stand up comedy.
53:35
Like it was such a random thing, but these kind of small things
53:39
you can do activities and, you know, halal entertainment.
53:43
Yeah. I.
53:44
Think that's a key point? Yeah, exactly.
53:46
There's a key point because I think we don't, we don't want
53:50
people to think that, you know what?
53:51
We want to spoil the day or they think we want them to have a
53:54
very boring day. What is happiness you know in in
53:58
the eyes of Allahs Panat Allah, in the eyes of the Quran and the
54:01
Alibeit Ali Mussalam, you know Amir what mean famously says
54:06
this beautiful line Kulayo men la yos allahufi for who are 8
54:10
every day God is not disobeyed is the day of celebration.
54:14
Aid me celebration day of happiness and joy.
54:17
And if we do things that please Allahs, Panat Allah, that is
54:22
what will bring satisfaction, tranquility, content in the
54:26
heart. So let's replace these acts
54:30
which are clearly transgression, clearly things that are not
54:35
allowed in Islam with things that are acceptable nasheeds.
54:39
Nasheeds are there, Al Hamdulillah, there we have a
54:41
wide range of beautiful nasheeds, including some by, you
54:46
know, said Ali himself. You know, these things can be
54:50
played. Why not in, in weddings and
54:53
these gatherings, you know, a nice talk, something that will
54:57
bring people, you know, I, I think it's nice when you have
55:00
people bring these PowerPoint, these sorry pictures and videos
55:05
of somebody when they were young.
55:06
These the the bride and the groom to say, oh, look like
55:09
this. It brings nice comedy, halal
55:11
comedy, halal comedy web huh? We say we roast them.
55:15
Yeah, that's it. You could roast them.
55:17
Yeah, exactly. That's OK.
55:20
It's nice, especially when it's amongst the the same gender, you
55:23
know, the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls.
55:26
They can. They can have that.
55:28
Thing as well as chef, sorry to interrupt you, you know The
55:31
thing is this when you when you when you relinquish that
55:35
pressure and that expectation that you have on yourselves and
55:39
you think others have on you to have to perform highly and have
55:42
the best wedding of the year of the season and so on and so
55:45
forth. Not only you're saving so much
55:48
money, 10s of thousands of pounds which you wouldn't have
55:51
otherwise spent, or you could invest in your, let's say your
55:54
son, your daughter's wedding or into your future or into your,
55:57
you know, your new home or whatever it might be or into
55:59
your honeymoon as well. Because that's also something
56:02
which is, you know, allowed for you.
56:04
But you're also avoiding the risk of so much Haram which
56:07
could otherwise have taken place.
56:09
So by having 5678 events, you're going to end up wanting to do
56:14
different things in every event. So you end up having five
56:17
different things in each event, different activities, different
56:20
people you're hiring and renting to come in.
56:22
You're spending a lot on on the the lighting and the sound and
56:25
the decor and the dresses and the suits.
56:28
And you end up putting yourself in a position where your
56:31
priorities how to make it look the best and feel the best for
56:34
everyone coming. But then you as a couple are are
56:37
not actually kind of benefiting out of it truly.
56:40
And really, you know, you cannot, I'll ask you on a
56:43
personal level if you don't mind Sheikh because I'm sure people,
56:46
people get scared to ask him. That's why we have a podcast,
56:49
right? But do you ever think that
56:52
people tread on egg shells around the Sheikh as the Islamic
56:57
scholar in a wedding? So, for example, the Sheikh has
57:00
his place and he is the heart, I feel like the heart and soul of
57:04
them. You know, the nikah, the
57:06
ceremony and of course, the, the actual lecture.
57:09
But when the Sheikh has gone, we can let go.
57:12
Yeah, journalist, we're absolutely right.
57:14
Nikah, you know, many a times Nikah has a separate event to
57:17
the others and the nikah has when you know if if it's maybe
57:22
men and women, you know, there is you'll find, you know, a lady
57:25
putting who doesn't win on with the hijab covers her head just
57:28
out of respect of the Sheikh or the process itself.
57:31
So somehow the marriage, the whole marriage ceremonies, the
57:34
Nikah has viewed as the sacred one or the holy religious one.
57:38
The rest of it, I'm going to I'm going to, you know, be, be loose
57:44
and everything is fine. Yes, I think that's
57:47
unfortunately the case. And the the invitation, what I'm
57:52
trying to encourage my respected sister brothers to think about
57:55
is the whole process from A-Z. And if you're in America, Z,
58:00
everything is sacred. Everything is governed by Islam.
58:04
Everything is important for people to do in the right way so
58:09
that Allah Subhana, Allah bless them.
58:11
You know, sometimes there are definitely unseen reasons why
58:18
things don't work out. And we we sometimes don't pay
58:21
enough attention to these kind of things.
58:24
A lot of paratalysis women Ayati and it's he who has placed
58:32
between the couple love and mercy.
58:37
But sometimes in marriage. What do you find you find that
58:40
missing If you don't you know people say I I don't see why for
58:45
example, my husband is treating me this way, but I don't see why
58:48
why wife is doing this. Could it be potentially that you
58:54
did have decided not to include Allah in your marriage and
58:59
therefore Allah will not infuse your hearts with love?
59:03
And because Allah says this marriage it starts off as a sign
59:11
and then he places Washington JA Allah were were after women IAT
59:16
and 1st he's created you as pairs so he's made you into a
59:24
couple. Then he gives you the love and
59:27
the mercy. So it it's gradual, the more you
59:29
invest in a loss of Hanoi Allah, a God centric spiritual marriage
59:35
and a spiritual wedding spiritualness is that no, we're
59:39
not talking about being in a cave.
59:41
And you know, just reading to Abraham Sathiwali, you know,
59:46
we're talking about it being per Islamic guidelines.
59:50
You have consciousness of Allah's presence.
59:52
You know Allah's watching, you know that this is going to be an
59:56
example later on in life. This is an important point.
59:59
Later on in life, your children are going to watch the videos of
1:00:04
your. Wedding, they're going to see
1:00:06
the pictures of what happened. What example are you setting for
1:00:10
your children and your grandchildren?
1:00:13
What are you saying to them? You're saying to them you can
1:00:16
pick and choose days off. There are quite a few in your
1:00:20
life. One of them is a wedding.
1:00:22
You can do whatever you want. And that's hypocrisy.
1:00:25
You, if you are trying to teach them to be good practicing
1:00:29
believers, you're going to struggle to hide what you did of
1:00:33
the past and to try and tell them no, you know what?
1:00:36
That was wrong. We should have done it.
1:00:38
Maybe OK, people make mistakes. But for those of you, those of
1:00:42
us who haven't yet decided to make this decision, make it a
1:00:46
priority to make the journey one that Allah is pleased with,
1:00:51
because then you'll see problems becoming less.
1:00:53
Allah will make it work. You know this, I always is in my
1:01:00
mind when I'm thinking something's really difficult.
1:01:02
But we've got to do it. Because if it's the way of loss,
1:01:04
Panat, Allah wants it to do, wants it to happen.
1:01:08
Maiya tequila waiasbir yej allahu Maharaja waiya razukum in
1:01:14
Haithullah Yatasib. Allah says two things.
1:01:16
Have taqwa and have patience. If you have those, Allah will
1:01:21
give you a way out that is not available for people.
1:01:25
In difficult moments you will have an opportunity to see a
1:01:30
journey that is not open to people.
1:01:33
And he will grant you and he will give you things that you
1:01:37
don't expect, you don't necessarily expect.
1:01:40
We've got to trust God. We've got to trust the prophet.
1:01:43
And the albeit and sadly what I'm seeing and what hurts me in
1:01:46
this day and age is the selective nature of people's
1:01:50
relationship with their religion.
1:01:52
And I think marriages and weddings are a reflection
1:01:55
perhaps of our own attitude towards our faith.
1:01:59
It is becoming unfortunately influenced by people who are not
1:02:05
religious and people outside the religion who have adopted this
1:02:10
part time attitude towards religion.
1:02:12
I have coined 2 terms for it and people are free to copy it.
1:02:17
One is the pick and mix religion and the second is the microwave
1:02:23
religion. Making me hungry.
1:02:26
Sadly, both about hungry, sadly the picking mix.
1:02:31
We go to these sweets places and we choose what we like.
1:02:35
You know, at the end of the day I want, you know, these
1:02:37
chocolate peanuts, a lot of it, and I want these, you know,
1:02:40
Harry bows part of it and I take whatever I like, you know, that
1:02:44
suits me. It suits me because I like it.
1:02:47
And unfortunately, our, our attitude to religion sometimes
1:02:50
has become like this. You know, Hajj and Omra, for
1:02:53
example, what's Wajib and what's mustahab Today, there are people
1:02:58
who are going on these trips and Ziara who are changing it to the
1:03:02
way that they like and, and adopting it in the way that you
1:03:06
thought. I think, OK, but is this how
1:03:08
it's supposed to be? What's what last pound of Allah
1:03:10
wants us to do? This is an act of worship.
1:03:12
Marriage is an act of worship. It's it's an individual who gets
1:03:17
married. Their Salah is 70 times greater
1:03:20
than a bachelor. So, so, so you are actually
1:03:24
obeying a loss of Hanaut Allah. You're supposed to be doing
1:03:27
that, which pleases a lot. That's the one number two,
1:03:29
microwave religion. Microwave religion means what,
1:03:32
what do we use microwave for? Heating stuff, but usually pre
1:03:36
prepared meals or if meals we've kept in the freezer.
1:03:39
You know, we take it out, we heat it up.
1:03:41
We're not bothered to cook it. We're not bothered to go through
1:03:43
the process. And so people today are asking
1:03:47
these questions about marriage, you know, am I bothered to go
1:03:49
through and ask what am I allowed to do?
1:03:52
What am I not allowed to do? How many people before marriage
1:03:54
contact the scholar and say, listen, Sheikh, say it, we're
1:03:57
about to have a wedding. Can you please check and tell us
1:04:01
what these things are we allowed to do them or not?
1:04:05
Honestly hand on heart Alhamdulillah I have been a
1:04:08
student of of Islam for maybe 20-25 years can't remember and
1:04:14
anyone actually contacting me and telling me this.
1:04:18
Running it by you. Not, but honestly, I maybe they
1:04:22
have and I've forgotten, but if they, if it's done regularly, I
1:04:25
would have remembered. But it's not, it's not Why?
1:04:28
Because they're scared. They're scared.
1:04:30
I'll tell them no, no, no, no, no, no.
1:04:32
You're not allowed to. Do that I think you're.
1:04:33
And then if, if, if, if I tell them they're allowed to do that,
1:04:36
that's hudge on them, meaning it's proof on the day of the
1:04:39
armor. Allah will say to them, but this
1:04:41
person told you're not allowed. So what's your excuse to go
1:04:43
ahead and do it anyway? They know ignorance is bliss.
1:04:46
Yeah, They they, they want to. It's.
1:04:48
Not really. Ignorance is blessed because.
1:04:51
They're responsible. Yeah, of course.
1:04:53
In the home we are responsible. Somebodies got to do it and do
1:04:59
it. Meaning what?
1:05:00
Even if people say this is a boring wedding, Even if they say
1:05:03
oh what a wedding is, don't sell the pleasure of Allah for the
1:05:08
pleasure of people. Chef, I think we need to have,
1:05:12
in short, Allah Part 2 or Part 3 and 4:00 and 5:00 because I
1:05:17
think there's a lot to discuss. We haven't even touched on other
1:05:20
elements of marriage, you know, and there's so many filthy
1:05:23
elements as well, which I would love to know about the Mahar,
1:05:27
the kind of prenuptial agreements as well, all of these
1:05:30
different things as well as, you know, the, the, the in law
1:05:33
dynamic, the divorce issue. There's so much.
1:05:36
I know everyone, Mashallah, is very familiar with your work,
1:05:40
but I would highly encourage everyone to go back and to watch
1:05:43
more of Shirk's lectures. I know you've discussed this a
1:05:45
lot and you've got a lot of content online.
1:05:47
Is there any other kind of sources or books or kind of any
1:05:50
sources which you'd recommend people to check out which might
1:05:53
help them in this journey? I think this has been on my mind
1:05:57
for a long time and I think people are very much looking for
1:06:03
guidance when it comes to marriage.
1:06:06
There is a very good series of books written by Abas and
1:06:09
Shaheen Murali on marriage. I recommend everyone to get
1:06:12
them, especially the one on spouse selection called
1:06:15
Selecting a Spouse, The Heavenly Path.
1:06:18
I've written a chapter in that book as well.
1:06:21
But no, I've written a chapter in another book that I've
1:06:24
written about marriage. Yeah, yeah, I read so, so so I
1:06:28
would recommend people to definitely get those books and
1:06:35
for sure, you know, listen to lectures that are out there
1:06:38
about marriage. Mashallah, so many speakers are,
1:06:42
you know, presenting these discussions and to reach out, to
1:06:46
reach out to Ulama and to people who are experts in that field.
1:06:49
And we have quite a few people in our communities that are the
1:06:53
knowledgeable about this field and to ask and not to hold back.
1:06:58
I think it's, it's key, the more we ask, the more we educated, it
1:07:03
is empowerment and not to hold back from any hesitations or
1:07:07
doubts that we have, especially when it comes to marital rights
1:07:11
and responsibilities. The prenuptial you mentioned,
1:07:13
I'm very passionate about it. I think it's very important in
1:07:16
this day and age it, it allows our sisters, you know, some
1:07:21
leeway to be able to make sure that they are not left hanging
1:07:24
when it comes to certain things that some of the brothers are
1:07:27
doing. I know it's not a popular topic
1:07:30
with the brothers, but it's still something that should be
1:07:32
discussing. Definitely take part in the
1:07:33
courses. There are some good
1:07:36
organisations, you know, there is one run by my good friend
1:07:41
Sheikh Mohammed Saadi. I think Family Shield or is
1:07:44
called in America. There are many other
1:07:47
organizations out there. There's a good book also written
1:07:49
by Mulana Nabi Abidi about marriage recently come out.
1:07:53
So there's all these books and and resources and watch these
1:07:57
podcasts. I have to also encourage my
1:07:59
sister brothers watching definitely follow after Mahreb
1:08:02
on Instagram. I enjoy watching the the clips
1:08:05
and the podcasts and follow them on YouTube.
1:08:09
If you haven't done so and you've watched this particular
1:08:13
podcast, then if I was a merger, I'd say you've done something
1:08:16
wrong, but I'm not, so definitely hit the subscribe
1:08:22
button. Thank you also, we love and
1:08:26
support and you know, addicted to the work and content that you
1:08:29
produce yourself and encourage the viewers.
1:08:31
So inshallah, check out the work from Sheikh Hamad Al Haley.
1:08:34
There is always benefit to what you listen and what you learn
1:08:37
from and wisdom. And Charlotte, just want to say
1:08:39
thank you for today. Really.
1:08:40
It's been eye opening. There's been, I think, a great
1:08:42
reminder to each and every single one of us that ultimately
1:08:45
we should be pleasing a lot when it comes to our wedding and
1:08:48
choosing a spouse. We normally are selfish.
1:08:50
We want the best neglecting God and you know, but an handler
1:08:54
handler, I think has been an eye opener, an eye so many things.
1:08:59
If I go back to like my days, although I think we knew I'll
1:09:04
handle. I would say I knew people around
1:09:06
me knew the navigate how to navigate this whole thing.
1:09:09
But I never really I think saw the way you're presenting in
1:09:13
this episode. So thank you so much for this.
1:09:15
And just one last thing if I can ask is that I'm joking.
1:09:22
I was gonna ask as a cliffhanger for a future episode, which is
1:09:26
say they're not say, marriages. What we live that for another.
1:09:29
Day, they're not. Saying wow, wow chef.
1:09:31
We got this. Proper cliffhanger Proper.
1:09:35
Oh my God, we've had this some. Yeah, it's.
1:09:39
All. Right, I'll protect you his
1:09:41
access. Here, real honor and a
1:09:43
privilege. Well done on your excellent work
1:09:46
and my diosphere success and Tophia.
1:09:47
And to all the sisters and brothers who are going through
1:09:50
hardships and difficulties in this regard, never give up.
1:09:53
Allah is with you. I know you're trying to find the
1:09:56
right person. Work on yourself, but also, you
1:09:58
know, don't leave it too late. And when it comes to marriage,
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if you put God first, then he will look after you without a
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shadow of a doubt. Even if the whole world is
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against you, you'll be fine. And it's not worth it.
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It's not worth the sacrifice. Your Akira for a few days, a few
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hours, you know, just so that everybody is talking about your
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marriage. Let the angels talk about your
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marriage. What more accent?
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But sisters, on that note, on that heavenly angelic note, but
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the sisters, we'll catch you next week in Chart Allah.
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Stay tuned for the next podcast and after Maghulebu Salaam
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alaikum. What Ahmatullahi?