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How Do You Know Your Marriage Is Over? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: All about how to know if your marriage is over.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: How to know if your marriage is over when your mind is full of questions but your body already knows?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how to recognise signs that your relationship might have run its course.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive into this week's episode.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when or if your marriage is over?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know when a relationship has quietly run its course, even if nothing feels terribly wrong or particularly bad?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is a question that comes up a lot.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's a question I'm asked often.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: How to know?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whisper.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whisper that lives inside so many of my clients, often for a really, really long time before they are able or willing to voice it out loud before they speak it out loud.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: This question isn't loud or dramatic or something that arrives in a massive way.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's quiet, it's heavy, it's a constant questioning, a constant whispering, it's a bubbling underneath the surface, and it often starts with a sense of disconnection that you can't quite put your finger on, you can't quite explain.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you might feel it like a weight in your chest or a restlessness in your body.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's a deep gnawing sense that something isn't working, something isn't quite right, even if everything looks fine from the outside, even if on paper everything looks and should inverted commas be fine.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's that question you ask yourself in the quiet moments, in the in-between moments of life.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you're stuck in traffic, driving to or from work, when you're standing watching your kids play sport, when you are sitting on the sofa, mindlessly scrolling on your phone at night.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: It drops in when you're working out or zoning out at the gym or on a run or a walk, and it almost always appears and rises up and is felt lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, lying next to someone who you maybe still care about, you still have feelings for, but you are feeling completely disconnected from.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it follows you all day, everywhere you go, into meetings, in conversations, in all the moments and all the silences in between.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is a constant that you are carrying and living with, even if you're not acknowledging it and really allowing it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you know?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know if your relationship or your marriage is over?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: One of the first signs is that you feel it in your body.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you allow yourself to feel it, you will feel it in your body.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Long before your mind catches up, long before your mind makes sense of it, your body is already speaking to you.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: It might show up in all sorts of ways.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It might show up for you as an exhaustion, that bone deep exhaustion that goes deeper than simple tiredness.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: It goes deeper than just normal tiredness.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It might show up, as I said earlier, you know, tightness in your chest or your throat, when you are trying to have a communic a conversation, or when you just even imagine being honest about how you're feeling, about how disconnected you feel, about what you might want to say to yourself, to your friends, and to your partner.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: It might show up as that sense of dread, that dread as the weekend rolls around, or the flip side of it, it might be a sense of relief when your partner is out or away or traveling for work and you feel like you can exhale.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: It might feel for you like you're holding your breath or walking on eggshells that you're tiptoeing around in your own life because you don't want another discussion or another argument, or you're just terrified and avoiding what might come next if you speak, if you give voice to what your body is trying to tell you.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: It might feel like you know, a pit, nausea or a pit in your stomach when you think about that next family holiday or future plans or next year looking and feeling exactly the same as this.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It might be dread of the future, resignation that this is your life.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, your body does keep the score.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's an awesome book that outlines exactly how that does, how it does that, which I'm not going to go into all the details, but your body keeps the score, and your body very often knows your truth before you're ready to acknowledge it and before you're ready to say it out loud.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you know if your marriage or your relationship is over?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Tune into your body, tune into what your body is trying to tell you.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next way you can know or start to know or know a little bit deeper is to use your energy as a compass.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Something that I've learned through both personal lived experience and in guiding others, when something isn't right, no, let me say that again, when something is right for you, when something is right for you, it gives you energy, it energizes you and uplifts you.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Even when it's hard, even when there's challenge, even when it stretches you, there's movement, there's hope, there's possibility, there's the opposite of the dread of the future, right?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: There is possibility.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can see a future.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So when a relationship is right for you, when the when the current form of your relationship is right for you, it gives you energy, it uplifts you, it energizes you.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the flip of that, of course, is when something is not right for you, it drains you, it shrinks you, it minimizes you, and you stop recognizing yourself in your own life.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: You stop laughing, you stop dreaming, you stop being curious, you stop being creative, you stop being playful, you stop wanting, you stop hoping.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And often that doesn't come all at once, that doesn't happen all at once, it happens slowly, over time, quietly, in those tiny, almost invisible moments.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's an erosion until you realize this isn't working.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is draining me and not uplifting me.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Energy is a compass, it gives us signals and guides us whether we choose to acknowledge it or allow it or not.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So tune in to what is energizing you and what is draining you and see if you can redress the balance there.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the next thing I'm gonna say is something, it's a truth that can feel really hard to hear and to hold.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be bad to be over, it doesn't have to be bad to be wrong for you.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: You might still deeply care about your partner, they might be a really good person, all the things kind, generous, steady, reliable, a really good, decent human, but but you feel disconnected.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're really honest with yourself, you've probably felt that for a while.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You feel unmet, unseen, unheard, unmet, like you're living in in parallel.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: The two of you are living in parallel but really separate emotional worlds, emotional spaces, and you've stopped sharing your hopes, your dreams, your vision for yourself and your future.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: You've stopped sharing anything much at all, really.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've stopped dreaming of anything much at all.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're disconnected in your relationship, you're disconnected from your husband, wife, partner, person, and you're also disconnected from yourself.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: You are numbly going through the motions of your life, but you're not living the deeply connected version of life that you intuitively know is possible.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: There may be no dramatic reason to leave, no major betrayal, no one thing that you can point your finger at, no one thing that you can hold up to the external world and say, This, this is why I left.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need that big thing.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's just that quiet, aching emptiness, that gap between who you are and what this relationship allows you to be.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that matters.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It really, really, really matters.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this episode, there's a reason for that, right?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reason you're listening, you're looking for answers, you're seeking validation, you're asking for permission to want more, to want different, to honor your desires, your hopes and dreams, to honor you and acknowledge that you want more.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your permission permission slip.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to want more.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: What you do with that knowledge is up to you.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm here to tell you it's absolutely 1000% okay to want more and to want out or to allow a relationship to come to an end, to come to a closing, just because, just because it's done.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: There doesn't need to be a huge dramatic reason.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And know too that just because something once worked, just because you once chose this, just because you opted for this and co-created a life together, just because it worked once doesn't mean it still does.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just because it was right for you at one point doesn't mean it still is.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if it doesn't work, if it's not right, that's an invitation.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation not to go and blow it all up instantly, but to fix it, to heal it, to change it, or to choose differently.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I know with that comes all the things, all the fear, all the guilt, all the second guessing, all the worry, all the what ifs, and then stepping back into your comfort zone, stepping back in where it's known and safe, and I was gonna say easy, it's not easy, but where it's known, that's where you're comfortable, right?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you step back into your comfort zone because this change that you're looking at is scary, right?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: What if you choose wrong?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: What if you make the wrong decision?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because when this truth that you do want more, that you do want different, when this truth starts to surface, so do the fears, so does the guilt, so does the overanalysing, so does the monkey mind trying to unpick it and pull it apart and keep you in your comfort zone all the second guessing.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Am I expecting too much?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: What if I regret this later?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: What if I choose or make the wrong decision?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, isn't this just how relationships are after years together?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if there are children involved, of course, it gets even more complicated.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just questioning your relationship, your marriage, your partnership with this other person, you're questioning the whole shape of your family moving forward and the future for that family.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a huge emotional load to carry.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: But what if?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: What if staying actually isn't the kindest thing?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: What if staying means emotional disconnect connection or quiet resentment?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what if staying models that?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: It models settling for mediocre in life in your intimate partner relationship, keeping yourself small and quiet for safety, security, stability, all the reasons.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It models that for your kids.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: What if leaving, what if ending a relationship, what if bringing a relationship full circle to a closure, or at least exploring the options and exploring your truth actually opens you up?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: It opens the door to something more honest, more connected, more real, more alive, not only for you as one individual, but for everyone involved.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if choosing you is actually the best thing that you could do for yourself, yes, but for all of you?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: What if choosing yourself, honoring yourself, listening to yourself, trusting yourself could be a gift that creates a whole new version of family for you and your kids, even your partner?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're sitting in indecision, if some of this is landing, you don't need to know or have all the answers yet.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say this really clearly: I'm not here to tell you what to do, I'm not here to tell you to leave, and I'm certainly not here to tell you to stay.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not here to tell you what to do.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to challenge you, question you, and help you get quiet, help you get quiet enough so that you can hear yourself again.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to nudge you, to be brave enough to really deeply and fully listen to yourself, to deeply trust yourself.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because so often it's not about finding brand new information, finding the answer to all the questions, it's not about ticking all the lists and knowing all the bits and pieces that you need to know.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually about gifting yourself the time and the space to tune back in, to hear what you already know, but perhaps haven't felt safe enough to admit.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: That part of you that wants joy, that part that wants deep love and deep connection, maybe that wants simplicity or freedom or clarity, the part that knows something needs to change, even if you don't know exactly what, or you don't know how yet.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it starts as a whispered knowing, the quiet truth that you don't want to admit, not even to yourself, because once you admit it, something might need to change.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And change feels risky, disruptive, unknown.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Change is scary, and is and as humans, we avoid that.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: We avoid the disruption and the pain of change.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: We avoid it because it feels like a threat.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to acknowledge what's what's true, especially when you've built a whole life around ticking all the boxes that should make you happy, right?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Having all the things, the job, the partner, the house, the dog, the kids, if you've built a life, if you've chosen this, and now you're telling yourself, and you're telling yourself, I should say, you're telling yourself that this should be enough, it can be really hard to acknowledge that it's not.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're standing in that, if you're standing in the mess and the discomfort of that indecision, that crossroads emotionally, practically, all the ways, you don't have to do it alone.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're not meant as humans to do hard things by ourselves.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why you're here listening to this, right?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: You want connection, you want support, you want guidance as you unravel all of this.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You might need someone who can gently hold up the mirror and reflect back to you what's there, what's really there.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: You might need someone who can say the hard things kindly, compassionately.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might need someone to help you get clear on what's true for you, for you, what's your truth, or you might need help to see what you already know, what's underneath the noise and the fear and the confusion and the overwhelm.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Someone to shine a light on what you can't yet know or you can't see, or that you're just too afraid to look at.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Someone to show you the truth of what is possible for you, the lived reality of what can happen if you choose yourself, if you listen to yourself, if you tune into yourself, if you trust yourself.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've been right there.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know what it feels like to lie awake endlessly asking the same questions on loop.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: How do I know what's the right way forward?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: What if I make the wrong call?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: What about the kids?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: What about the money?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: All the things, right?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is this bad enough to leave?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is this good enough to stay?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I've walked beside and supported and guided so many who've been through exactly that and stood where you are right now.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really important to know for me to let you know that you're not bad, wrong, broken, you're not selfish, you're not failing, you're not doing everything wrong, you're not asking for or wanting too much.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are simply waking up to your truth.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: You are learning to listen to the messages that your body is sending you.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning to listen and hear your own voice again.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you know if your marriage or your relationship is over?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is you already know.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to find the answer within yourself.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: You already know.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if this conversation has brought things up for you, if your chest feels a little heavier or maybe a little lighter, maybe you've allowed something to be real for you to land and present itself.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not quite so conflicted or your mind feels a little bit clearer and you feel a little bit calmer, welcome that.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's your knowing and it's ready to be heard.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to have everything all figured out, you don't need to make a final decision today or any decision at all, in fact, right now.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just allow your knowing.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Tune into it and listen and tune into your own voice.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want support in making sense of the next steps, let's talk.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: As you know, I offer a free intro call.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's no pressure, no commitment, it's just a safe, supportive space to begin, to begin unpacking where you are and maybe what's next.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find a link to book directly in my calendar in the show notes.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do all of this alone, and you don't need to silence what you feel and push down what you know just to hold it all together for appearances, for the kids, for everyone else.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to silence or squash or minimize what is real for you.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: I absolutely understand the fear, the overwhelm, the whirl of what happens in your brain, all the what-ifs, and am I really going to do this and what will happen when that make it really hard to think clearly or take the next step, even take one step, right?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to see the whole staircase, you just have to take that first step.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I also know this that sometimes the most helpful thing is having a conversation before you think you're ready, before the tipping point, before the crisis, before the lying on the bathroom floor in a sobbing heap, before the day you can't get out of bed, before it really crashes around you.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just a real chat with someone who gets it, someone who won't pressure you, fix you, push you in any direction, but will meet you exactly where you are.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if and when the time comes that you do want deeper support, you won't be starting for scratch.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're already connected.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Go gently with yourself if you are sitting in this difficult space of wondering whether your marriage, your relationship is over.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's a hard space to straddle, it's a hard space to sit in.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: But go gently, reach out when you're ready or even just a little bit before you are.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something from this episode that can help you answer the question, is it over?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who would be supported to hear this episode, please share it with them.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be really grateful, and so probably will they.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.