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All In Your Head · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother Me podcast, Muma Me, your
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. This
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: podcast is recorded on in sickness and in health. Their
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: words usually reserved for traditional wedding vows. Not the beginning
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: of a relationship in your early twenties, But for Lucian Lars,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: that was exactly how their story began.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: So he would often come home from work and say
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: that I can't work I'm too sick. I was thinking, oh,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: I don't know, this is not looking good, and then
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: he started saying, yeah, I just feel really I'm feeling
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: quite nauseous a lot.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: The thing about sickness in your twenties is that you
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: carry an unshakable belief that you'll bounce back. You're young,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: after all. But what happens when sickness lingers an unsolved
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: mystery that slowly takes over your life, your love and
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: the person you once work.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: You're caring for this adult you know twenty four to seven,
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: you're you're in a care role. It's not partnership. You
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: can't go out together. You can't walk down the street together,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: you can't go for a meal together. You can't go
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: see a film together. You can't do anything together. You're
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: missing out big time.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships passed through the eyes and the
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Are the
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: nineties a time of suburban freedom, the dawn of the
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: digital age, and truly iconic pop culdjure. But amid all
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: that goodness, it was also the moment Lucy found herself
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: freshly untethered from a less than desirable relationship.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: I was twenty four. I had a daughter from a
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: previous relationship, she would have been about four, and I
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: left it by myself in a little flatgate hill in Brisbane,
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: one of the inner city suburbs there. And I had
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: just come from a relationship or dating somebody that turned
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: out to be paranoid, schizophrenic, and it became quite a
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: dangerous situation and he continued to stalk me. So I
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: was in quite a nervous state at that time.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Thankfully she wasn't alone. A wonderful group of friends rallied
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: around her, lifting her spirits and finding moments of joy
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: along the way.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: So there was a group of us. We all were
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: a colorful bunch. I guess, a lot of different areas
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: of study going on and different types of work musicians
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: or photographer. Was another friend, a Jewelo, who was my
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: best female friend. I was studying fine art at the time.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: We all used to go to a club called Babylon
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: and it was kind of under the ground in the
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Brisbane CBD. And it was a place where lots of
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: alternate sort of groups or people went regularly. And because
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Brisbane was a small place like that back then, you
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: kind of got to know people over time. But I
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: was at the Babylon one night and I was just
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: with a couple of my friends and I looked across
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: and he must have been sitting under a light, but
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: I noticed this fellow. I don't know what it was.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: I found his appearance just absolutely striking. He was slightly
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Viking esquy cord. He had a very strong sort of
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Norwegian look. But it wasn't necessarily that it was just
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: something about him. It was his behavior, his body language.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: He appeared to be really jovial when he was having
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: a lot of fun with his friends. And I was
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: just absolutely just so curious about him. I kept going
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: to the same place for a few more months, probably
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: once a fortnight or something, and I kept seeing him there.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: And then one night I was dancing and he was dancing.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: He bumped straight into me, and I turned around, thinking,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: who is that? And you know who just bumped into me?
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: And it was him. And the first thing he said
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: to me was sorry, Bub, are you all right? And
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I said yeah. I kind of felt a little bit
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: irritated at being called bub. But he was six foot
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: four and just a really large bill, and he had
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: a really kind face and really kind gestures about him,
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: very protective. I felt that immediately. I felt like this
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: person is safe. He felt safe to me, and I
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: think maybe, coming through what I had been through, this
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: seemed like somebody that I could really spend time with.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: He said, let's not have an accident interfere with a
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: good dance, words to that effect. So we danced and
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: then we sort of left the dance floor.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Eventually, his name was Lars and he was a regular
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Babylon too, So the next time Lucy went back, it
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: was no surprise she'd seen there again, but this time,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: instead of losing each other in the loud pulsing chaos
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: of the dance floor. They slipped away, sneaking out to
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: somewhere quieter to learn a little more about each other.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: We went outside and sat on a bench and he
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: was chainsmoking. He'd left school at fourteen, and he spoke
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: in a way that I guess a lot of people
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: would have described as incredibly rough. Definitely, it became clear too,
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: really quickly that he came from a pretty low socioeconomic
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: kind of background, from a family that really had a
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: lot of struggles, but were also really close. And we
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: talked a little bit about music. It was clear we
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: had very similar interests there, and I just felt endeared
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: to him. I thought, well, this is somebody who comes
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: from a background of adversity and struggle. I started asking
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: him about his family and he said, you know, my
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: dad's been in prison since I was two, and I
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: was like, okay, another thing. I'd never really known anybody
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: before who knew anyone who was incarcerated. So I said, oh,
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: what is since you were two is a long time
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: and he said, oh, well, he's been in and out,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: but you know, the last time he got put away
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: was quite a long sentence. His mother had quite a
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: few abusive partners between his father and the time we
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: were at He also said that he had had trouble
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: with the police. He was nineteen and I was twenty four,
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: so it was quite an age gap. I just presumed
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: he was older than me. I didn't think he was
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: younger than me at all. He had quite a beard,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: and I guess maybe his height and everything as well.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: It just didn't occur to me that he was actually
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: younger than me. Anyway, we went back inside the club,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: and then might have been a couple of weeks after
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: that we met up again and I ended up saying,
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: do you want to have a sleepover at my place?
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: He said, are you sure? And I said yeah, just
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: they had to catch huge taxi rides back out to
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Sunny Bank where they were living, and I lived in
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: a city, and I said, well, it's close for you.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: If you want to stay, you'd be very welcome. I
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: did feel really safe.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And so the first sleep over Milestone was reached, and
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: for the most part it went off without a hitch.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: But there was one small thing Lucy couldn't quite ignore,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: something that felt a little odd.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: We caught a taxi that night together and in the taxi.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: On the way, he started doing his shoelaces up really tight.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: I was sort of watching him, and I was thinking, Oh,
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: that's strange. And then we got out of the taxi
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: got to the place where I lived. It was a
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: very old house divided into small flats. So we walked
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: up the hallway and got to my flat door. He
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: was looking around everywhere in this hallway, and he was
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: looking at the big entry door that we'd just come through,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: and he was just scoping everything out. He was quite
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: on edge. And we got into the flat and he
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: started looking around and he asked me if there were
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: any other doors to the flat and I said, oh, yeah,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: there's this one here, but it doesn't go to anything.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: It just has a drop off into a back piece
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: of land there. And he was like, oh yeah, oh yeah.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: I said, are you okay? You just seem really on edge.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: He said, oh, we'll see. I kind of thought that
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: for a girl like you to invite me to stay,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: it could be a trap or a setup. And I
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: was like, oh no, not at all, honestly, and he
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: was like it just seemed too good to be true, really,
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: And I said no, no, it's fine. He said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: So if I need to get out, I can just
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: go through that door. We came through and I said yes,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: and you know what, I won't lock it or anything,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: and he said no, Yeah, that's all right, that's all right.
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: He relaxed after a while and we had a nice night,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: and then he went home in the morning and asked
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: if he could call me and I said yes. So
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: we exchange phone numbers.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And then it happened again the next weekend and the
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: one after that. With each passing visit, Lucy felt safe
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: in Lars's company, and from that sense of ease, something
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: deeper began to grow between them. Things were just easy.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: We might watch the odd film, but mostly we just
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: laid in bed and talked. He would talk about what
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: he would love to do with life, like he'd love
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: to live in a city somewhere, he would love to travel.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: He'd like to see what else there was in the world.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Traveling is something I'd done a lot of, and I
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: said I'd love to travel with you one day. He
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: said he'd really love to live in a place where
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: you could grow food, which was something I had a
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: big interest in as well. At that stage, it was
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: clear we just grew up on completely different sides of
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: the track, but we were also very similar in our
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: sort of level of compassion for the people and kindness
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: for one another. It just grew, and it grew really
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: really deep as well. It was an understanding that we
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: had between us that we didn't speak a lot of
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: the time, just a connection like I hadn't known possible
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: before when you meet somebody who comes from such different
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: background and circumstances. He worked at a press metal factory,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: and I went to stay at his place, and his
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: mother was really amazing. She said, since this fellow has
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: been bothering you where you live, would you like to
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: stay with us for a while. That means you're away
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: from the area you were in. He doesn't know where
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: you are, and you can be here for six weeks
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: or something. And then I took them up on the offer,
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: and I lived there for six weeks. When I was
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: out there at his mother's place, I was studying, so
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: you know, we'd get up in the morning. He would
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: often be gone to his work around six in the morning,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: but I had my daughter there. Sometimes I'd be getting
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: her ready to go to daycare, and I would often
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: have a class to attend later in the day and
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: we'd just meet up back at his place later on
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: if I didn't have a class in town, I didn't.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: I stayed there and I helped his mother with things.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: She was setting up a veggy garden and things like that.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: He said to me when we were out there that
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: he needed a word that he couldn't find, and I said, well,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: what to describe? And then he said, to describe love
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: that isn't just love, it's more than love. And then
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: he said to me, is it loath? And I said no,
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's loth And he was saying, well,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: it's like I just need a word to describe love
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: that is something you want for the rest of your life.
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: And I said I'm not really sure. And he said, well, well,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: if you find the word, that's how I feel about you.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: And I said I felt the same. I absolutely did.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I loved how kind he was. What I noticed when
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: we were out at his mother this house was that
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: he'd go to work sometimes, which sounded really rough, this workplace,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: and there were often fights there and things. I was
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: starting to see this picture of this person was always
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: getting into terrifying situations, and he was his anxiety was growing,
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: and I just put it down to these probably frightening experiences.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: So he would often come home from work and say
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: that I can't work I'm too sick. And I was thinking, oh,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: this is starting to feel a bit hopeless. As much
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: as I loved him, I felt like this is kind
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: of seeming hopeless. And I said, well, what sort of
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: sick is it? And he said, oh, I just I
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: have to keep leaving work to have a cigarette to
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: calm down. And I was thinking, oh, I don't know,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: this is not looking good. And then he started saying, yeah,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: I just feel really I'm feeling quite nauseous a lot.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: And I was saying, oh, that might be because you're
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: anxiety highness. Yeah, no, no shit, you know, my anxiety
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: is through the roof.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: So they decided to make a change.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: We did make the decision just to move into the
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: city together and try to start the beginning of what
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: that life looked like to us. I would finish my
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: finer degree. He quit his job in the press metal
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: factory and wanted to get a job in the city somewhere.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: I loved him. I wanted to do anything I could
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: to help him. I had a respect for him as well.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: It was somebody who had faced all of these struggles
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: and hurdles but had such a desire to make a
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: different life to what he'd had. I loved his warmth
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: and his compassion and his kindness. He was so kind,
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: He was kind to everybody. That speaks a lot to me,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: the level of compassion that he had for his mother
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: and understand her situation, the way he was very protective
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: of his siblings as well, and just really protective of me.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: He loved my little daughter. I just loved who he was.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: Who he was deep down was just so special. But
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: by the time we moved to the city, he was
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: finding it very hard to function normally.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: Something felled off, but Lucy couldn't quite put her finger
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: on what. And around that same time, the people who
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: loved her most had started to quietly and some not
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: so quietly, way in on the relationship too.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: My parents did not like the idea of this at all.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: I didn't talk to my family about it. I just
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: knew that for who Las was and what his background was,
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: it would not be accepted. My friends were split. I
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: had some friends who were very cynical about him and
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: saying you know, don't you notice that he's unwell quite
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: often these days? And I was saying, well, yeah, I
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: think it has something to do with anxiety, and they
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: were saying, it's clearly he's using substances. He smokes like
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: a chimney, you know, no wonder he's unwell. Very judgmental.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: Also in saying to me that they were worried for me,
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: is this guy violent? He's a very big fellow. He's
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: really rough in the way he speaks. I just couldn't
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: be bothered trying to convince those people that he was
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: anything than what they wanted to think he was. On
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: the other hand, I had some friends who started to
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: become friends with him and really respected him. It made
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: me sad for him because I thought, if a lot
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: of people are judging people this way, how do people
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: get out of their situation? Because these people have decided
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: this about him. And these people, too, were what you
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: would call open minded people, but they had decided that
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: by the looks of him, because of his behavior. There's
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: obviously stuff going on, the fact that his father was
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: in prison. It just made me think, well, how can
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: anybody get anywhere when they're being judged like that? So harshly,
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: so I cut off from people who were judging him badly.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to hear from them. I didn't want
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: anything to do with them. Obviously, my friendships with the
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: people who did accept and love Lars became stronger friendships.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: It sort of divided my friendship group. It was us
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: and these few people around us that did accept and
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: did love him also.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: And then there was also the most unexpected advocate of all,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Lucy's ex Robert, the father of her daughter.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: Although we had separated, we cared for one another immensely
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: and we were friends and just had our daughter's best
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: interest at heart. Robert is a mathematical physicist, and he
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: had some unusual interests. I guess I really appreciate the
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: culture about Robert, but I think he actually found Lars
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: just super interesting. And I guess because he is the
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: father of my daughter, he had an extra I guess
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: level of concern we both did for each other, because
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: whoever we partnered with would be exposed to our child.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: In the beginning too, feeling that he didn't have a concern,
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: whereas I had these other people saying, oh, you know,
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: you don't know where he's come from, and he's this
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: and he's that. But immediately I felt like Robert took
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: to him and appreciated him.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Of course, there were tensions within the wider friendship group,
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: but Lucy and Lars had their own close circle and
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: the promise of new beginnings on the horizon, even if
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: those beginnings carried their own set of challenges.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: It must have been a nine months we'd been together,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: and then we got a little house together in West End.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: He was making attempts to find work but finding it
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: really difficult. He did get a couple of interviews for
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: warehouse jobs, and he tried to go, but started to
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: feel really sick when the time came to go, and
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: I would say, it's just anxiety. I felt really sorry
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: for him, but I did it sometimes start to get impatient.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: It was very hard to get to the bottom of
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: this anxiety. It was just this thing. I don't get it.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: He's got everything it takes to be this incredible person,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: but it's not happening. And I couldn't understand what it was.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: And it was hard for me to not listen to
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: people who were saying that there might be substances involved.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: He did go from being a really funny fun person
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: who would go out of his way to help anybody
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: to somebody who just couldn't even help himself. He couldn't
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: even leave his bed, couldn't reach the front door without
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: a panic attack, couldn't check the ladder box. Even though
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: he was super fun and funny, there were these other things,
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: quickly checking the room to see where the exits were
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: and making sure your shoes were on tight in case
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: you had to run things that back then seemed to
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: me there's a little bit of paranoia about him. It's
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: a strange mix, because when he wasn't showing signs of
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: a little bit of paranoia, he was super good, fun
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: and funny. We'd wake up in the morning on a
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: regular day and I might have a class to go to,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: or I have my daughter to get to day care.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: So my days were very there was pattern, but you know,
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: I was coming and going at different times, and so
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: I might go to UNI and then come home at
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: around two o'clock and he would just be sitting in
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: the living room looking like he really hadn't done much
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: at all. I was starting to get frustrated, and I
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: just couldn't understand it. Was trying. For a while, I
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: would say, well, let's let's go somewhere, let's go for
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: a walk, let's go down and have a coffee. And
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: he would say, yep, yep, that sounds good, that sounds good,
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: and he'd sort of put his shoes on and then say, oh,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: you know, don't sort of feel like it right now.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: And I was like, why, you know, I'm just feeling
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: really anxious at the moment, and I just I would
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: love to go with you, but I you know, sometimes
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: he would just get so frustrated and upset with himself
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: and he'd say, I don't care, I'm going to do it.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: But the reality was he couldn't, and that frustrating cycle
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: soon became the norm. Determined to finances, Lucy started to
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: take matters into her own hands and sort out the
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: expertise of a professional to unravel the health related mystery.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: We got an appointment in a clinic, so we went
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: to that clinic once a week for about eight or
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: twelve weeks, I think it was. He had a really
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: lovely counselor there, and she said that I believe that
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: you're agoraphobic and you have a panic disorder. So what
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: you're experiencing when you want to go to a job
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: interview is a panic attack, and what you're experiencing when
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: you're struggling to get out the front door is what
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: we call agrophobia, is the fear of the outdoors and
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: open spaces. That made a lot of sense to him.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: It was like, oh, wow, Wow, we finally have some
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: sort of diagnosis to work with. Now we can actually
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: we can do this. Part of getting him into the
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: program at the hospital was that they gave him certain
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: exercises to do where he would sort of learn to
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: become more desensitized to the feelings of their anxiety and
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: the fear and going outdoors. So he would say, yeah,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this,
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: and so we'd oh, okay, So we would get our
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: stuff together, put our shoes on, go to the front door,
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: walk out, go down the street, and he'd sort of
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: have to stop, sit down wherever he was. He would say,
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: I think I'm going to pass out, and I oh, no,
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: I just want to have a cigarette, and it just
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: seemed hopeless. It was just hopeless. And then he would say, yet, Na,
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry I'm just going to have to go back home,
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: but you go ahead, and I couldn't go ahead. It
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: was so upsetting, it was so distressing. No matter how
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: long we went to the program at the hospital, no
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: matter how many of the exercises he did or tried
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: to do, it just wasn't getting any better. And in fact,
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: it just seemed to be getting worse.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: And they continued to get worse. A year later, still
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: no signs of recovery.
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: He was becoming really incapacitated. He was starting to get
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: to the point where he couldn't go and get food
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: for himself during the day. I couldn't just leave him
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: like that. I did have the friends that we were
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: closed to would go around and check on him sometimes.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: One day, after about a year and a half or so,
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: it was a really really hot Brisbane day, and a
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: friend said to me, I'm really worried about him. I've
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: just been over there to check on him. He's sitting
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: inside with all the doors and windows closed. He wouldn't
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: answer the door when this friend was knocking, but when
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Lars realized who it was, he did answer the door.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: My friend said he was sweating a lot and he
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: had really bad anxiety, but let him in and he
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: just sort of said to him, I'm right, No need
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: to worry about me. No, I'm fine, I'm just yet.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: It is hot, isn't it. And then he sort of
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: opened a window or two, and my friend went on
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: their way. He was just sort of going past. Lars
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: also had a best friend called Eric. They were really
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: great friends and they met through the same club and
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: Eric started to be more involved at this stage in
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: Lars's life, which was lovely, and could see there was
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: something going on, and there was this agrophobia and panic disorder,
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: and could see that he was becoming incapacitated and needed
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: help with some things just in terms of getting food
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: or he couldn't go anywhere. If he could go anywhere,
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: he could never have gone by himself. He had to
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: have someone with him. Around the two year mark, we
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: had a ring and he put it on my finger
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: and he said, I still don't have the love for
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: the rest of my life word for you, but if
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: you were this, that's the best I can do. I
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: felt certain I would marry him when he got when
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: he got through this, I felt certain we would travel together.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: It was just how can we find the right help.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: We're doing everything, but we can't get the right help.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: At the same time, I had a couple of people
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: saying to me, this is ridiculous. These are the people
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: that weren't in my closer circle, but sort of saying
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: to me, you're a part time single mum and you're
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: caring for this adult. You know, twenty four to seven.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: You're in a care a role. It's not a partnership.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: You can't go out together. You can't walk down the
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: street together. You can't go for a meal together, you
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: can't go see a film together, you can't do anything together.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: You're missing out big time. You know other people your
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: age are out there having a lovely time. And I
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: did stop feeling like it's missing out. None of the
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: help he was getting was helping. It was just getting
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: worse and worse. There were times I'd come home and
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: he hadn't even left the bed. He was still in
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: bed and nothing had changed, he hadn't eaten. It just
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: seemed hopeless. So I made a really difficult decision and said,
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore and I'm not helping, like
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: that's clear no matter what I'm doing. I became scared,
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: what if I'm enabling this. What if by me taking
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: care of him all the time and trying to help
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: all the time, is actually just keeping him stuck. What
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: if this means that he can't get better because I'm
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: doing the wrong thing. His friend Eric was really in
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: the picture a lot then. I really liked Eric a lot.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: We stayed very good friends. But he was moving into
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: a house nearby and said to Lars, would you like
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: to move into this house? And Lars took him up
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: on it. So I stayed in the house that I
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: had lived with Lars. And it was really hard. Oh,
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: such a difficult time. I still wanted to be with him.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: I worried about him all the time, but I knew
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: I had to try to see if by me not
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: being around would help.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: It was a decision Lucy had to make, and one
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: that Lars understood and supported.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: He was so sad, but he said, this is good
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: for you. You need to do this, Bob. He always got
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: me bump. I want to see you go out with
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: your friends. It's awful seeing you not living a full
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: life because you're looking after me. I want to see
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: you travel. Now. I'm starting to think it's never going
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: to get better for me. But you can and you should.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: You know, that was just typical Lars. He just one
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: of the best for other people. We kept seeing each
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: other on a friendship basis. I did start getting out more.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: I couldn't say I was enjoying myself at all. In fact,
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: I was making some really weird choices and decisions at
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: that point. Like I went on a few dates with
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: a couple of people, and I just I would just
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: be there thinking, I hate this, I'm not you know
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: where I want to be. I'm just going to have
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: to ride this out, you know, and see if he
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: gets better without me. And we saw each other as friends.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: We were in walking distance from each other, so I
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: could walk over there whenever I wanted. I started painting
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: a lot, so studying painting. Even though I had the
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: opportunity to be going out more and doing more, I
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: just tended to throw myself into my painting a lot
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: and spend a lot of time on my own at home,
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: and then I'd walk over and visit. After about three
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: months of him moving out, I was going over there
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: a lot to visit. It was clear that he wasn't
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: getting any better, and that he was getting worse Eric,
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: his friend called me and I went over there to
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: their place and Lars was just really ill. He was
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: in pain, he had a really bad headache, he'd been sick.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: He couldn't hold any water down, he was getting dehydrated,
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: and so we took him to the Royal Brisbane Hospital.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: They took ages. We had to wait for so long.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Eventually they took him in and they said we're going
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: to run some tests and he can be here overnight
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: and we'll keep we'll observe him. They did that, and
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: then I was at home again and I got a
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: call from Lars at about six in the morning saying, yeah,
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: you know what, they want me out of here. And
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: I said why, what's going on? And he said they
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: just told me they need the bed and I've got
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: to go. And I said, well, what have they done
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: for you and he said nothing. They just ran some
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: tests and I said what tests and he said, I
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: don't know, blood test your own sample. And I said, well,
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: what are they going to do to help you and
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: he said nothing. They just said, you know, you need
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: to go home. They gave him a follow up appointment
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: about three days after this, so his mother came and
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: we went together and took him to the hospital. I mean,
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: he was a huge fellow as she was on one
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: side under one arm and I was the other, and
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: we walked him into the waiting room. I was asking, please,
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: can we have someone to see him sooner? He's really unwell.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: So he was laying on the concrete floor at that
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: point with my bag under his head for a pillow.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: He couldn't sit up at all. Then the specialist called
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: him in. His mum and I had to help him up.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: We took him into the specialist appointment, and she looked
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: like she just could not be fucked with us. She
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: said to him, right last, your tests have all come
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: back negative. There's nothing wrong with you. And I was saying,
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: how can you say there's nothing wrong with him? How
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: can you say there's nothing wrong this? Obviously? She said, no,
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: we can't find anything, and you just really need to
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: go home and get your lifestyle sorted. There was an
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: assumption that he had a less than ideal lifestyle. I
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: don't know what that meant. At the time, I was thinking,
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: is she suggesting substance abuse? Is she suggesting that we
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: just don't know how to look after ourselves. I couldn't.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: I said, well, I come not going anywhere, and I
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: want a psychiatric evaluation. Then if you're saying there's nothing
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: physically wrong with him, then I want a psychiatric evaluation,
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: and I won't leave until we get one. It became
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: a bit of a standoff. She said, I'm not getting
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: you a psychiatric evaluation. I'm not wasting their time with this.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: And she said, look, my advice to you is if
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: you're saying you can't see properly and you can't stand
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: up properly, go home and have a proper meal. You're
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: probably hyperglyss semic. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: And then she said, when I say a proper meal,
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: I don't mean beer and chips. And then we left.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: It was an awful way to be treated. And I
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: think the thing for Lars was he kept being told
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: that this is all in your head. This is all
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: because you're not living properly. This is all in your head.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: I said to her when we were leaving. He can't
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: hold down water, he's not eating peer and chips, he
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: can't even hold water. And she just didn't want a
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: bar of us.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: No one could seem to figure out what was going
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: on with Lars. The hospital visits brought no answers, and
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: nothing they tried seemed to help. Through it all, Lucy
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: did her best to hold everything together, clinging to some
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: sense of normality amid the uncertainty.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I had a birthday dinner at my place and Robert
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: was invited with the few other close friends that really
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: were very supportive of my relationship with Lars. And I
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: invited Lars and he said, I don't think I'm going
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: to be able to come, because it just physically I can't.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: Robert went and made sure that he picked him up
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: and coaxed him out the door and brought him to
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: the birthday dinner, which was amazing. But when he arrived
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: at my birthday dinner, I could see he was just
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: so unwell, but doing everything he could to just be
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: there and just sit there. And I was in the
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: kitchen and Robert came in and he said, you know,
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: on the way here, Lars dropped something on the car floor.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: And he said, I noticed that when he tried to
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: lean forward to pick it up, he was trying to
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: pick up this thing in several different places, and it
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: was really odd. He just couldn't seem to see where
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: this coin was that he dropped on the floor. And
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: I said to Lars later that night, you're in a
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: really bad way, and you said, yes. See. The funny
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: thing is is I can see several of you right now.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: And I said, oh, okay, and then I was looking
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: at him and I could see that one of his
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: eyes wasn't pointing in the same direction as the other eye.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: I said, okay, I'm going to come to your place
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: now with you, and I'm going to stay there until
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: we can get some help. It was really desperate. Day
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: after my birthday was the Saturday morning. I called the
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: optometrist in town and I said, please, can you see
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: my We were saying friend then, because we had supposed
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: to have separated. Can you see my friend. He's got
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: one eye going the wrong way and he said, yeah,
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: bring him in. I took him in, and this fellow
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: was really kind and said, I want you to go
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: straight to the Princess Alexandra emergency rooms. I'm going to
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: call ahead and let them know you're coming. And so
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: we got to the Princess Alexandra Hospital in the waiting room,
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: but then they kind of came and said, Las, come
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: through this way, and they said to me, you're best
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: to go home for a little while. Lars will call
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: you when we're done with We're going to run some tests.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: And I thought to myself, I bet not do a
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: CT scan, which is what I felt should have happened
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: before this, but they wouldn't give him one. Then I
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: got a call, not from Lars, but from the technician thing,
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: can you come in when we need to speak to you.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: So I went in and waited and they called my name.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: I went in and the technician said I'm going to
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: leave you and Lars to talk, and he walked out
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: of the room and Lars just sort of propped himself
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: up a little bit on the bed and he said,
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: to me, they're saying I've got a brain tumor. They said,
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: you know, it's okay. We're going to take care of you.
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: We'll get you through this and it'll be okay. And
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: medicine is so good now, it's so good. And there's
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: also alternate therapies. I'd heard there's alternate therapies. You know,
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: we'll do everything, and I need to protect him. Just no,
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: this can't be happening. This can't be true the realization
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: two of my love. At that point, it had never
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: gone anywhere, had been there the whole time. Even though
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: we tried to see if me not being around would
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: help them, none of my feelings had diminished grown stronger.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: Doctors performed a brain biopsy and began chemotherapy. Eric and
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: Lucy were by his side constantly at the hospital. The
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: diagnosis was devastating, a nine by nine centimeter glia blastoma
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: multiform tumor. It was inoperable. The cancer has bided into
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: surrounding areas of the brain, and attempting surgery would have
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: destroyed the little healthy tissue Lars had left.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: A different doctor came in and asked if he could
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: speak to Lars's mother and I. We went into his
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: room and I said, what is going to happen? And
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: he said, well, this could kill him, and as what
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: do we tell him? He doesn't really know, and he said,
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: I don't think you tell him anything. He's twenty one
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: turning twenty two year old young man. You know, if
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: he survives for a while, why destroy the time that
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: he has has left. I couldn't quite get my head
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: around whether he should be told or not, so his
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: mother and I went back in to sit with him.
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: The same doctor familiar on just came over to us
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: and said, I'm just going to show you a chart here, Lars.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: This shows the number of people with your type of
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: brain tumor that survived to five years of having the
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: timber from start to go, and it was about two
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: percent that survived five years. And so, in one way,
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: Lars was he said to me, In one way, I'm
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: relieved it wasn't all in my head like people had
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: me believing. It actually is something that's caused this. We
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: did look into alternative therapies. There were books that said,
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: if you follow every step in this book, no matter
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: you're cancer, no matter the stage, you can recover. But
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: you can't it's impossible to follow all the steps in
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: the book. Robert had looked into a clinic in South
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: America with alternate sort of therapies and was ready to
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: get our airfares together for that. Just said we might
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: as well try everything. I just stayed with him. Then.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: It might have been about three weeks he was at home,
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: and it is true that the release of pressure in
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: the brain, he could actually get out of bed, he
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: could go to the front door, we walked down the street,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: we went to a movie, we went and did things
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: that we could never do before. And he was saying,
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: isn't this just amazing? Isn't this amazing?
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: Look at me?
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: Look at me? And I was saying, I know. And
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: he was saying, what if we can beat this? What
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: if we can beat this? Look see, without the pressure
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: in my brain, I can do anything. And I was saying, yeah, no,
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: it's incredible. And we actually did have hope. So it
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: might have been about three weeks after the biopsy on
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: the brain, we went to the GP just to get
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: the stitches out and to be checked on. He'd been
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: put on some fairly strong medications. Las had a sort
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: of said to the GP, you see, there's this one
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: thing I'm worried about. One of these medicines i'm on
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: says one of the side effects is that your gums
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: start growing down over your teeth. And he said, I'm
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: just I'm a little bit worried about that. That doesn't
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: sound too good. And the GP said to him, oh,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: don't worry. That takes about six months before that starts happening.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: And Lars said to him, oh, well, how long am
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: I going to be taking it for and the GP said,
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: well for the rest of your life. Lars looked at
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: me again. His eyes were huge and frightened, and it
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: was dawning on him. Then. Oh. We hadn't explicitly said
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: to him, doesn't look like you will survive, but we
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: were beginning to get the idea. It was strained because
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: we still didn't really know. Nobody had really explicitly sat
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: us down and said, look, he's not long for the world.
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: We went home that day and I was sitting on
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: his bed and he was looking at me, and she
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: used to hold my face in his hands, and he
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: was sitting up. He said, he was just looking in
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: my eyes, and he said, you know that you are
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: the best friend I've ever had in my life. And
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: I said, you're You're my best friend too. He said,
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: I mean that with everything in my heart. I love
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: you more than anything. I said, thank you, I love
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: you too the same. I just laid on the bed
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: with him and he helped me for ages. I think
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: he was much braver than I was. His mother came
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: over later that day and we'd cooked dinner. We tried
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: to give him dinner, but he was starting to say
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: that day that I'm actually starting to feel quite a
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: bit of pain again. He started going down here really
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: quickly that day and he was saying, oh, I've got
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: a splitting headache. And I was saying, okay, okay, you
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: just need rest. You know, we've probably been doing a
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: lot in the last three weeks while he's been able
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: to enjoy life a little bit. And then his mother
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: and I were sitting in the living room and we
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: heard a terrible noise. We could hear his bed shaking
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: around a lot, and his mother immediately jumped up and said,
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: he's having a seizure. We ran in and then we
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: called the GP that we had seen and he said,
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: I'll come straight up. It was sort of seven at
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: night or something. He said, I'll come straight up, and
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: he was in the bedroom with myself and Lahs and
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: he said, just just be with him. I'm going to
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: give him an injection. I'm going to give him a
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: good dose of morphine. And I said okay, And then
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: he just looked at me and he said, have they
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: told you what to expect? And I said no, I'm
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: not really sure what you mean. And he said, all right, well,
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to give him this big dose now,
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: a really good dose. It means he'll be comfortable. And
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: I said okay, and he did that, and then he
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: said if anything changes, call an ambulance. Immediately. Lars went
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: to sleep, and then he started vomiting and his mother
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: said call an ambulance. So we did, and the ambulance came.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: They sat in the front with the ambulance driver while
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: the other paramedic was in the back trying to work
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: on him. And when we got to the hospital, they
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: told me to wait in the waiting area. His mother
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: joined me in the waiting area. Then they called us
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: into a little room and a doctor met us and
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: she sat us down, and it was strange. She said,
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: you know, we're sorting him out, but we think he's
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: probably dying now. It was just the most surreal thing.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: I kept saying, can I see him? Please? Can we go?
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: And they said, no, you don't see him at the moment.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: He's got a lot of tubes going in and out
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: at the moment. But you know, when we get him
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: sort of cleaned up a bit and sorted, you'll be
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: able to be with him. So they eventually said we
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: can take him upstairs to a room. I was quite amazed.
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: We went upstairs. They had him in a room. They
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: had a little sort of warm lamp on in the
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: corner rather than the big hospital lights, and they also
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: had an in a room one of his own as well,
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: which was I was amazed that the nurses did that
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: for us, and I immediately laid on the bed with
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: him with my head on his chest, and his mum
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: put his arm over me. I started feeling like he
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: wasn't in there. Eventually I felt his hand going really cold,
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: his hand on me and his arm was going really cold.
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: I kept during the night, I was having breaks and
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: getting up and walking around and going back and laying
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: with him, and I noticed his hand going blue, and
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: I noticed various other parts of him changing color. I
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: knew he was around me then, and he wasn't in
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: his body anymore. Heartpit grew really really strong, and then
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: it just stopped. It was very hard to leave. It
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: was really hard to walk away.
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: Lars was just twenty two years old when he passed away,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: a mere three and a half weeks after his diagnosis.
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: And then in the quiet that followed, strange and inexplicable
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: things began to happen. Moments that made Lucy feel as
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: though Lars hadn't completely left her side just yet.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: We had some stranger electrical disturbances at home. I moved
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: into his room and I lived with Eric, his best friend,
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: and we were just so close for the next six months.
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: We really got each other through. Lars used to crack
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: his knuckles several times. I woke up in those first
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: few days and I could hear us cracking his knuckles,
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: and I thought, that can't be happening. And I dreamt
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: about him a lot. I would have dreams where I
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: might be in the city somewhere and I would hear
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: as voice and I'd turn and I'd see him in
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: a crowd, and you'd be saying, quick, quick, I don't
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: have long. Quick. I would run over to him and
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: he would just sort of fold me into his chest
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: and he would say, it's all right, Bob, it's all right.
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: I'm here, and it's all right. You could go back now.
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: I don't have long have to go, but it's all right.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: That would be the end of the dream. Used to
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: waking up from them. I belong to the skeptic society.
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: I don't believe in anything supernatural. I have no faith religion.
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: But about maybe eight months after Lars died, a friend
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: of mine who was also a friend of Las, said
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: to me, Lucy girl, there's this amazing Cleavoyan. You've got
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: to come and see hi. My Winnesstor and the other day.
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: You've got to come and see him. And I'm like, oh,
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: I don't do you don't do that stuff. Come on,
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: come on and then we can have a coffee and
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: we'll have lunch afterwards. He's like my best gay boyfriend.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: And I said, oh, all right. I went and this
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: fellow was in a dark room, all the incense and
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: everything else that I don't have a very good attitude
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: about sometimes. But I sat down and he said, he
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: said there is someone around. There's a boy and I said,
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: oh yeah. And he said it's a man and I
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: said yeah. And he said, or he's indicating that he
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: won't leave until you're ready for him to leave. But
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: he does have to leave, but he can't do it
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: until you let him go. He's not going to go
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: until you're ready, saying this to me, and I said okay,
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: and then he said then he just said to me,
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: this man is someone you cared about or cared for
• 46:53
  Speaker 2: did you have to care for him? And I said,
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: I did have to care for someone recently, and he said, well,
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: it will come back to you in a different way.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: It will come back to you in the way it
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: should be. And who you care for in the future
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: is the correct relationship of carer forth somebody. It's funny
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: to me because at the age of forty five, completely accidentally,
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: I had a son and I look at him and
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: his big blue eyes. He comes from a long line
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: of brown eyed people. But I do look at him
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: and his big blue eyes, and I feel like I
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: see Las just a little bit sometimes.
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: But beneath it all, the grief was overwhelming at times,
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: heavy and all consuming, and the road to emotional recovery
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: was long and anything but simple.
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: It was so painful. I didn't know that emotional grief
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: could cause so much physical pain. Just the pain in
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: my chest, in my heart. It was just so intolerable.
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: Sometimes became quite unwell. But I painted a lot. I
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: got really into my painting, and when I painted, I
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: felt like he was with me. That you know, if
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: I could say there was a time when he was me,
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: it was when I was painting. I also eventually did
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: quite a bit of traveling, and I often felt like
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: he was with me then as well. I felt like
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: I would hear him in my mind say, look at that,
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: Look at where you are, feeling like he was very
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: happy for me as well at those times, feeling like
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: he was loving for me to recover. I feel like
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: seven years after I felt like I reached a good
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: turning point. I think I probably remained vulnerable for quite
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: some time even after that seven years, but I think
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: the last few years have been some of the best
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: years of my life, and I don't think I would
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: have as wonderful a life if that had never happened.
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: I am so pleased that I met him, that I
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: knew him, that I was there with him at the end.
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: I mean, it'd be great if he didn't have a
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: brain tumor, but he didn't, and it's nothing that can
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: be done about that. Nobody knows what causes them. It's
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: just an indiscriminate thing. And I'm just very grateful that
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: I was there even as he changed from being who
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: he was or what he appeared to be when I
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: first met him, to what he became towards the end.
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: My love was unwavering. It never it never changed, It
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: just grew and grew around him. The biggest takeaway for
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: me was that sometimes the worst thing that can happen
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: to you can also be the very best thing that
• 49:58
  Speaker 2: happened to you. It sounds strange, it's a juxtaposition, but yeah,
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: life is awful, and life is very beautiful. It's very fragile,
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: and it's very strong. Definitely better to have loved and
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: lost than to never have loved at all. And also
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: that you can get through. When I listen to other
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: stories and are you here, that people are in the
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: depths of despair, but they do, they do get through.
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: I remember the funeral director saying to me the day
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: we buried Lars, I know what you're going through right now.
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: I had a similar experience. And you feel like this
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: can never ever get better. But it does. I promise
• 50:41
  Speaker 2: you it does. And I was a bit irritated. I thought,
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: you just don't know. You don't know how I love him.
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: I can't. But it did. It does get better eventually.
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: I still think of him every day, so many, I
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: mean decades now. I'm really glad I have that. I
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: used to be terrified of my own mortality, but I'm
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: not so much anymore. It's okay, it's okay. Everyone does it,
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: and it just yeah, I'd like to be here for
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: as long as I can, but it's all right. And
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: if there's nothing after this, I'm fine with that too.
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: The most important thing for me going forward is that
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: my children will be okay. And also the way I
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: know Lars lives fond in me. I hear him laugh
• 51:29
  Speaker 2: all the time at certain situations, and I know he
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: would find that's so funny. He had a great sense
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: of humor. He was very witty, very quick, and yeah,
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: I just I love that he's living through me in
• 51:42
  Speaker 2: that way. And I'll even say to my son sometimes, oh,
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: Lars would have laughed so much, or I'll tell him
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: stories that Lars told me that are really funny, you know,
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: and it's like, that's how we live on.
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: Everyone has an ex It's a Minti Media production and
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: proudly part of the Mum and mea Network. This interview
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: was conducted and episode narrated by me Georgia Love and
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: written and produced by Linda Scott. If you have a
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: com dot You. You can support us by following the
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: show in your favorite podcast app and leaving a five
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: star review. We'll see you for the next episode.