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It Matters How You Begin Again: Why I Started Mostly Together · Mostly Together

0:00
Hey, everyone.
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So we're changing things up a little bit this week.
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It's just me.
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I wanted to kind of address what this show is all about.
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The name.
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How did I come up with mostly Together and why I am doing this podcast.
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I've had a lot of questions from you guys,
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and I just wanted to answer some of that.
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So let's get into it.
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All right.
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We are let's do this.
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Let's have a conversation with myself.
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Usually these happen in my head. All right.
0:33
You always seem to have it together.
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I've heard a variation of that sentence I feel for most of my adult life.
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And I understand why.
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Now, for more than 15 years, I worked in TV news, local TV news.
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I woke up in some ungodly hours for most of my career when everyone,
0:52
most normal people were sleeping and I've walked onto a live set.
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I've delivered breaking news, I've interviewed people, I've adjusted
1:00
when everything has changed without warning, and I've also
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usually managed to look relatively calm, all doing all of that.
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Then I would go home to try and be present a present wife, partner, mom.
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I answer the emails I'd try and keep on top of
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what was going on in the current day.
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I'd remember the school forms.
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I'd find the whistling water bottle.
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I'd try and figure out what everyone
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was going to be eating for dinner, and I'd most times fail miserably at that.
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So yes, maybe from the outside it looked like I had it all together.
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But I've learned since leaving the news that being
1:39
capable is not the same thing as having everything all figured out.
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And that has been a very hard lesson to because I was just used to going, going,
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going, going.
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There was never an off button. It was always.
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What more can I put onto my plate?
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Because I thrive in chaos.
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And I think that that space, honestly,
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of taking some of the chaos out,
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as in what I did for a career, is kind of where this podcast came from.
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It's where it was born.
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But I did want to talk about the name of the show.
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You know, we're starting to really get our reps in now with the episodes
2:16
and familiarize yourself with the audience and so many different guests.
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And I just I thought that it was important to kind of put this out here
2:24
about why I chose to do this, why I chose to name
2:28
the podcast mostly together, and why I needed to create it when I did
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so, because mostly together, it really isn't just a cutesy name,
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although it's certainly applicable to every single person in one time
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or another in their lives.
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You know, I didn't just write it down. One day.
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I was literally sitting here at this table
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thinking about how badly I wanted to connect with people.
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But yeah, I didn't have the news anymore to do that through.
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So I loved podcasts.
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Gosh, for over a decade.
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I've been listening to them now, and I felt like a podcast
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would be great because I love to learn about people's stories.
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I love to connect and network and kind of like create a community
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and save space where we can kind of like get more into the story.
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Because I feel like when I was in news, we were really just skimming the surface,
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and that was really because that was all we had time for.
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So your typical interview in news,
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like, I hosted a lifestyle show, co-hosted one.
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So it was about maybe
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four minutes, five minutes, maybe if it was like a big interview.
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But even that is not adequate
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time, I think, to get across, get points across and learn about a person.
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It was it was hard.
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I mean, we did a good job and we did what we could with the time we had.
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And you always make it work.
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You know, the show must go on, but I feel as though it was off camera,
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like right
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before the camera went on is really when I started connecting with people,
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you know, finding out where they're from,
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what their story is, where they grew up, how they got into, what they got into.
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And it was funny because I remember my colleagues at the time looking at me like,
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save this for the interview.
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But I was,
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you know, you're pressed for time and you only have
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a certain amount of things you can talk about.
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And then usually more often than not, people were promoting something.
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So you didn't have a time to really ask those questions,
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which is why I just missed that when I left news.
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I missed that interview setting.
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You know, those like intimate conversations, getting to know
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someone and obviously people who have a quite impressive resume, you know?
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So yeah, that's how the podcast came to be.
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It was me being able to continue to do what I loved and why I got into
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journalism.
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It was trying to connect and create that community.
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Like I said, you know, because I think we can be deeply grateful
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for our lives also and still wonder what's next.
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And I was really grateful for my time that I had, you know,
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obviously working for the news for over 15 years.
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I was grateful for every opportunity, even though there was this massive
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whole career wise that I was feeling and this grief that was starting to set in
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because my identity was tied so much to this public persona that I had.
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And I truly, to this day, I mean, I was myself who you saw on the news.
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That was who I was.
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You know, I laughed a lot.
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I am very talkative, could talk to wallpaper off a wall.
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I love to sing, you know,
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just I don't know, I, I put that out there.
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But then I realized when I didn't have that anymore.
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There were so many parts of who I was that were still here.
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I just didn't know how I could tap into it and, like, still do that in my own way.
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And again, that's how the podcast was born.
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And I think that now that I'm being completely honest with you, I, I,
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I feel as though I'm still it was a big learning curve,
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trying to kind of unus myself in the sense
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that I did have some more time to ask people questions.
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I got I'm getting to have people on my show
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that I've always wanted to interview and ask them questions that like,
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we never had time for.
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If I did have them on, you know, in the news setting.
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So yeah, it's been a huge learning curve these past.
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What is it?
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I think it's been nine months now and I've been learning more about myself
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and things are starting to come back and I'm starting to connect with even
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people that I haven't really connected with since, like I first
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got into the business or even like right before I got into the business.
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And that's like a really cool, full circle moment, you know?
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And a lot of the guests, if you've been following the show,
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you know, I, I had someone on from high school that I didn't
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realize, like was a huge name in the CrossFit world,
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you know, like, so it's so interesting to see the path that we all take.
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And I think it's okay to, you know,
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love doing what you're doing, but still feeling that, you know,
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maybe there are parts of yourself that are missing.
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And I think that that now as I reflect back, I did love,
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you know, working in the news industry, but it also realized
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that there were some parts of me that were missing when I was doing that.
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My whole life balance thing is really, really hard.
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You know, I want to feel confident in one area,
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but it's okay if you feel completely unsure in another.
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You know, we can look perfectly from the outside
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while quietly we're trying to understand who we're becoming.
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And that is what I keep saying.
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I feel like this show is all about coming home to myself and really realizing
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that I don't have to reinvent myself like the answers are.
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Literally, they lie within, you know what I mean?
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All I have to do is just tap into what I really love to do
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now that everything else is stripped away and just keep doing it,
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you know,
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keep enjoying those conversations, keep showing people the real side
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and that life is messy and we're all living in this messy middle
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at one time or another.
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You know, we're we're not completely falling apart.
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We're mostly together.
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And maybe that's not the problem we need to fix either.
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I think that it's simply what
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it looks like to be a person who's still growing, right?
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We're all growing. We will never stop growing.
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Maybe sometimes, like your growth will be a little stunted,
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depending on where in life you're at or if something happens to you.
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And I think that that was the thing I was really adamant about after the news
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was, I don't want to just stop.
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Though I did have to take a quick pause button.
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You know, I could have gone back into the news.
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But did I want to?
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And my husband and my parents kept saying, take this breath,
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take this moment that the universe is literally handing to you
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on a silver platter that you've never gotten before,
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and ask yourself who you are, what it is truly you want to do.
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And that's all part of the reconnecting.
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And that's all part of the being mostly together.
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So I did take that pause, you know, and I did find some things
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that I really connected with that I always loved, but never found the time for.
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Another big thing that was really funny is a lot of people,
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because I have two kids, I don't want to, like,
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lose part of who I am just because I am a mom.
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I want to continue to like, build
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and continue on this path while I am still continuing to be a mom.
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Is it hard?
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Of course it is.
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Do I have my things together?
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No, not all the time.
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Not most of the time. I feel mostly maybe.
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But I think that I can't stop.
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You can't stop your growth.
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You still have to work on who you are.
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And I keep saying, even though it is really hard
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and I have severe mom guilt and FOMO at times,
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I have to remind myself that my kids are looking to see
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the person I am and who I'm becoming still at all times, and I want them to
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understand that you can do things for yourself, and it's not being selfish,
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you know what I mean?
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I am a human being and was before I had kids and I had dreams and aspirations,
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and I still have those, and
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I still want to see where those take me and work on those.
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And that's okay.
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You can do both. You don't need permission.
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I think of all these questions that I've been answering my for myself.
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I want to start answering them on the podcast,
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because I feel like so many people I've been chatting with
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have gone through these periods where something unexpected happens
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and you really have to pivot and figure out, okay, what am I going to do now?
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Who am I?
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So that's kind of how that all came about in the podcast was born.
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So now I want to talk about the identity factor, because that is a huge part
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of why I started this podcast, as I was trying to sift through who
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I was not being Nicole Lepa on the news.
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So, you know, I mean, more than 15 years,
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I was in a career that I, I knew what my purpose was.
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I had a clear professional identity.
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I had a routine and external structure, something that I'm
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still struggling with not having right now, leaving the house.
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And that's. Yeah, that's another story.
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I had something that used
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my curiosity and my communication skills when I worked in the news.
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I had a visible role that people immediately understood
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right away, and I had a sense of what I was doing
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and what I was working towards for so long.
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So when that is no more,
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you can feel very lost.
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And that unexpected area
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of feeling like, oh my gosh, I what do I do now?
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It's scary.
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It's again, there's like this grief that's tied to it also.
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But also I didn't want to wallow in it too long
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because there was this opportunity at the same time.
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And I say this like nine times out of ten, I feel, and every episode,
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because so many of the guests come on and say, I was so fearful of this,
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or I was so scared.
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And whenever I hear that, I can really connect with that,
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because every single big decision I've ever made in my life or goal
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that I've chased, I was always so scared of.
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So my favorite quote is, if your dreams aren't big enough, or I'm
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sorry if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.
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Favorite quote ever.
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And I live by that because I am scared every day of going out and doing something
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that is not part of the plan that I thought I had.
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You know, there is no clear cut path because in any day
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something could happen unexpectedly and it will all go away.
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And that's what happened to me.
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And I'm realizing that it was actually like
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the best thing that could have happened to me.
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I needed a fresh start so I could kind of recalibrate
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and get back on a path, probably that I always wanted to do.
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But I was hiding in that fear and never acted on it.
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And I think that my years in the news
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really prepped me and primed me for this next chapter.
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So again, no hard feelings.
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I am so grateful for every moment I've had in my career thus far.
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Now it's just again, a new chapter, a new beginning
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in which I'm just doing it on my own right now.
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And it's all coming from here, because I can do it that way.
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And it's refreshing and it's scary
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and it's exciting, and it just opens the door to, like, so much more.
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And I remember when I downshifting my hours last year, two years ago.
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So my typical morning routine,
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being on a morning show as you would get up around 2:00, probably
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because I had to be in for 330 and I was slow waking up in the morning.
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You know, we have to do our hair, we have to do our makeup, figure out
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what you're going to wear for the day you show up.
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Obviously, you're trying to prep yourself with the world
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and what's going on and read all your scripts.
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You have to tweak some things sometimes, you know, make it sound
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more like you're coming from your voice, you know, because those producers
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are up all hours of the night writing this and working really hard.
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So, you know, you're trying to work with them as well.
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Like, what do they need help with?
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If they do,
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there's breaking news that can come into play
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and completely derail, like everything that was planned from overnight.
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So it's just a lot of unexpectedness.
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And again, an environment that I've always thrived in.
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I thrive in chaos.
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I can handle it.
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It's when it's like easy and quiet.
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That's when I struggle.
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So but you're tired.
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You're exhausted.
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But I could turn it on.
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And I realized that I've always been a night owl.
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Even when I had that old shift, I never went to bed at 6:00,
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like some of my other colleagues did.
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I wanted to eat dinner with my husband.
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I wanted to be with my family,
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and the thing that suffered the most was sleep and self-care.
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Every day, every day.
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And then it kind of got to the point where after I started having kids, I realized
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in the back of my head like, oh, this is really hard.
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I don't know how much longer I can do this, but it's almost like
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if I gave in and stopped doing it.
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There was there were three things going on.
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A what the hell would I do?
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Because this is all I've ever known, and I feel like I've worked so hard
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to do this now, and I should be grateful
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that I worked this hard to be in the position I'm in.
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The other big thing is
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I would like, give in and fail, you know what I mean?
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Because I did see some working moms in that industry get out.
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And, you know, the cliche is like more time with family.
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Which side note is such so funny because when I did leave,
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everyone said, oh, you'll have more time with your kids.
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And the funny thing is,
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I mean, yes, while that is true, I would say I'm more awake with my kids,
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but my kids are both in school now, so I actually had more time with me
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to get to
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know myself again, which is again, I'm so grateful for that time and that gift
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because I, I don't think I would have taken that time otherwise.
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And then the third part is, if I stay in this, maybe more things will come to me.
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So I'm just going to kind of float here and not color outside the lines
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and just struggle living in the complicity that I was in.
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And I feel that whenever I'm like complicit in life,
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that never serves me and I'm not happy.
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So it's funny, like when I'm always challenging myself or
17:03
and that's why I would always take on like new projects, like I had this
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mom podcast that I had started when I was there at the station.
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I was like doing a ton of events still and burning out constantly.
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And by the way, I experienced burnout before I had kids.
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I know that obviously burnout is a very normal thing after children,
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but no, I was doing 50 to 70 events, which is literally outside
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of my work hours when I was getting probably four hours of sleep on average.
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And then when I had kids,
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I was getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep on average, and that was not sustainable.
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And when I'm like starting to doze behind the wheel, driving into work
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at three in the morning, that was when I said to myself,
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I don't think I can do this right now, and maybe
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I never said I can't do it ever, just right now.
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So I ended up.
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I was so grateful. I down shifted my hours.
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I was working 9 to 4, which is not normal news hours, but my gosh,
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my bosses were so incredibly understanding
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and I just I love them forever for that.
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And they they were like, we will figure it out.
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And we did for a time.
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And I got to have a taste of
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like what it was like to kind of be normal on these normal hours.
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Still having my foot in an industry in, in a, in a job
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where it's like not normal, if you will.
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So that was really nice.
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And I remember thinking to myself, wow, like this is great.
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But I think that even then
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I was probably still playing it safe and I still was.
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Had to be on all the time and things suffer sometimes, you know,
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I was not always present at home, but
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again, sometimes chapters and not the way that you planned.
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Sometimes they end the way that you planned.
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But I think it doesn't matter how it ends.
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I think the point is it matters how you begin again.
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And that's why I started this podcast.
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And I think also, I knew I had something to say.
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I just didn't yet know what shape it was supposed to take.
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But again, I love podcasts.
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That's long form conversation.
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You can really get to learn and talk with someone for a little while. So.
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And while I was trying to figure out what came next professionally during
19:23
that time, I was also wrestling with a much bigger question.
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And that was who was I allowed to become now?
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And my husband and I joke around about this, but
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that's where that unused myself comes from, you know?
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While I still felt like I was being myself on air,
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there are certain things that I can kind of I can dress a certain way, you know,
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I can put my cartilage earring back in and not feel weird about it.
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There are little things that I'm like, that is me all along.
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And I just I had to kind of strip some of that away
19:57
to fit the mold of the career that I created for myself.
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And I think that now there's a bigger lesson there in general,
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and I hope my kids pick up on this or look back someday like, oh, wow.
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Like, mom did that for a while,
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and then she got out of it, and then she really found herself.
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And I think that I see so many people who are struggling with that
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and they are unhappy.
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And it doesn't mean that they're unhappy with their relationship they're in.
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It doesn't mean that they're unhappy by being a parent or,
20:26
you know, having a certain lane that they chose.
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But it's like there's a part of them that they know is missing.
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And I feel like that part is becoming whole again in me.
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So, yes, I am genuinely grateful to have more time
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with my children and not be falling asleep reading a book to them at 4:00.
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I'm grateful to sit down at dinner and not be stressed out about, oh,
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what time am I going to be falling asleep tonight?
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Because melatonin doesn't work and I can't shut my brain off.
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I'm grateful that I can pivot, and if they're sick from school,
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I can go pick them up and snuggle with them at home.
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There are so many parts.
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That I'm grateful for, and I'm grateful for this time
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and space to, like, explore where this is all going to go.
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But it doesn't mean I don't struggle, you know?
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Doesn't mean my kids are not hard at times,
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and I'm really struggling with that.
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It doesn't mean that I struggle still with self-care and getting to bed
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at a reasonable time, because I'm working now with this stuff at night.
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There are parts that you still struggle with.
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It doesn't mean that things are perfect.
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It just means that, you know, there are little things
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like waking up with my kids in the morning, taking them to school.
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I never did that.
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I never knew what that was like.
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Yes, they can be hard sometimes, but those tiny little things
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that, you know, maybe sometimes we take for granted, right?
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If we do have a normal shift and a, textbook job,
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those little things, I'm like, wow, I never had this.
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Now I do, and I am just in it.
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I think the season I'm in now is, you know, I want a professional life,
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but I don't want one that requires giving up the parts of family life
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that I've only recently been able to experience more fully. And
22:24
starting a podcast created
22:25
that flexibility, but it didn't magically create balance.
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You know, I'm often building this podcast around school schedules,
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childcare, summer breaks have been really hard.
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So yeah, there are parts that are still hard.
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Don't get me wrong.
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Just because I'm not doing what I used to do, it doesn't mean
22:44
everything is easy and there are no problems.
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But I think that wanting
22:51
meaningful work sometimes makes people feel guilty.
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In particular, I'm probably speaking to
22:57
all you moms out there and you should not feel guilty.
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And I didn't want my next chapter to be returning
23:04
to the exact life that I had before, even though I knew it that looked like.
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And even though it was scary to not return to that exact life,
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I also was not ready to put away the parts of me that wanted
23:16
to create and contribute and to build something meaningful.
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So once I admitted that both of those things were true
23:25
and that I wanted to be present and I still wanted more for myself,
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I started thinking about the part of my old career that I genuinely missed,
23:33
hence the conversation, you know, and being able to go deeper.
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So I asked this question at the end of every episode
23:42
with all of my guests, and I love their answers.
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And what I love to is sometimes this answer comes before I even ask it.
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People love the title mostly together.
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So what is mostly together mean to me?
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You can be accomplished and uncertain.
23:56
You can still be healing and you can have hard days.
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That means that you can make a brave decision and then question it afterwards.
24:03
That means that you can love your life and you could still want to change
24:06
parts of it.
24:07
That means that you can share what you've learned without pretending
24:11
that you've mastered it.
24:12
And by the way, the more that you pretend and put out there
24:16
when it's really not you or not parts of you,
24:20
that is not only a disservice to yourself, but it's a disservice to other people.
24:25
So what is the show?
24:27
Not it is not celebrating chaos for the sake of chaos.
24:31
It is not glorifying burnout.
24:34
It is not pretending that everything's funny when it is painful.
24:38
And it's not offering a formula for getting life right.
24:43
There is no such thing.
24:44
And each and every one of us are so unique.
24:47
And one one way does not always apply to another person.
24:52
We got to stop comparing ourselves.
24:54
It's about telling the truth
24:57
when there are still loose ends and there are still those messy middles.
25:01
That is what the show is about.
25:03
And I didn't want to show where people came on after the hard
25:06
season was over, and then delivered a perfectly packaged lesson.
25:10
I wanted to understand what it felt like while they were living through
25:13
that change, or what they can see now that they could not see,
25:17
then, you know, there's always something that we can learn from one another.
25:20
But what I did not fully expect
25:22
was how much I would personally need these conversations that followed.
25:26
And I'm realizing that common through line of why I created this show
25:30
and how it really is connecting this common theme of how we're not all perfect.
25:36
So hey, a pause is not the same as disappearing everyone.
25:40
That is a that is a lesson I have learned.
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Let's go over like some really quick lessons, a little rundown.
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All right.
25:46
Lesson one A pause is not the same as disappearing.
25:49
Lesson two constantly taking care of everyone else is not proof
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that you're okay.
25:55
So so many people are functioning at such a very high level while quietly
25:59
running on empty.
26:00
And I did that for most of my life,
26:03
and I know how easy it is to mistake the functioning for thriving.
26:07
Lesson three reinvention rarely begins when you feel ready.
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I repeat, reinvention rarely begins when you feel ready.
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Okay.
26:19
Most people do not make a major change without complete confidence,
26:23
and they make that next decision that I'm learning through all these guests
26:27
with the information and the courage that they have at at the time.
26:31
So that's what we have to tap into the courage and information.
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You can do it.
26:36
And also I want to say, I wish I could tell you that creating
26:39
this show answered all of the questions that I have, but it hasn't.
26:43
So what am I still figuring out right now?
26:45
I'm still figuring out what this podcast
26:47
is becoming in a way, how to grow it sustainably
26:51
and reach the people that really need it and want to more of it.
26:55
How it fits into my larger professional life.
26:59
But I keep returning to the same thing.
27:01
I feel like these conversations feel meaningful, and
27:04
I feel like building something meaningful rarely comes with a map.
27:08
You have to just show up and do it every day.
27:11
And I think my kids are home.
27:15
So in closing, that is what I want the show to be.
27:18
It's not a place where people come to prove
27:20
that they have conquered every hard thing.
27:22
They've figured it out.
27:23
It's a place where we can talk
27:25
honestly about what changes us, about the identities that we outgrow,
27:29
about the high honey, about the plans that fall apart,
27:33
and about the parts of ourselves that we're trying to recover,
27:37
and the new parts that we're still getting to know.
27:39
And I want mostly together, to make room for the woman who is proud
27:43
of what she has built but knows that she's not finished.
27:47
The mother who loves her family deeply.
27:53
And still wants something that belongs to her, and the person
27:57
whose life looks good on paper but still feels different on the inside.
28:01
And I want to make room for the fact that I am that person to.
28:04
And I'm still learning how to build a career that fits the life I have now.
28:10
So I keep
28:11
returning back to this thing that these conversations
28:15
are meaningful, and building something meaningful rarely comes with the map.
28:19
And when you're doing something meaningful
28:20
and intentional and intentionality is like, really been the word
28:25
I feel like I've been leaning into since I got out of the news.
28:28
You can't go wrong.
28:30
You're doing it. You're being yourself.
28:32
You're putting good out there.
28:34
Like there's nothing wrong with that.
28:35
And the world needs, I think more of that. Right?
28:37
So, you know,
28:38
I'm not recording this episode from the other side of reinvention at all.
28:42
I am recording it from the middle of it, and that's what I want this show to be.
28:48
And I also want mostly together, to make room for the person
28:52
who is proud of what they have built, but knows that they're not finished.
28:57
That is huge.
28:58
And some days I feel grounded and clear.
29:00
Some days I drink the same cup of coffee for the entire day, and I've reheated it
29:06
5 million times in the microwave and I'm wondering what am I doing?
29:10
But most days it's a little bit of both.
29:12
I do not have all the answers, nor do any of my guests, but that's
29:17
what makes this conversation so meaningful, is we're all figuring
29:20
it out together at the same time.
29:22
So thanks for being here and coming along for the ride here.
29:24
I'm mostly together and I'll see you next week.