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Transcript

S1 Ep22: The Hilarious Reality of Motherhood 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_06: My boy is 24 years old and he is married.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_06: He got out of college.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_06: He met his college sweetheart his freshman year.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_06: He never he said he would never marry young, but he did.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_06: And he brought her home.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_06: And I alright, who in here has had boys and girls?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_06: Can you clap?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_06: Who do you think okay, who do you think is easier to raise?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, just yell it out.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_06: Boys or girls.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_06: Boys.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_06: Every once in a while a little frail woman will yell, girl.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_06: She's probably being threatened.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_06: But anyway, no.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_06: We love our girls.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_06: I love my girls.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_06: I truly do.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_06: And I know that when I'm in the nursing home, they'll be the ones to come and pluck my chin hairs.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_06: Because my boy will be off with his wife and her people.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_06: Because he said to me, he brought her home and he said, You got a terrible look on your forehead.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_06: And I said, Oh, it's nothing against her.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_06: It's just I'm jealous.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_06: Because I thought you would only love me.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_06: I know that's twisted, I know it is, but he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, my kids all yell at me, and my husband, everybody's in a bad mood all the time, and he's the only one that's never fussed at me.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_06: And he was just the sweetest child growing up.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_06: And so when he said he was gonna marry somebody and move off, it was awful.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_06: But let me say that I love her and they live near us, and she's like another child to me, and it has been a blessing.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_06: She is very sweet and has forgiven me for my forehead looks.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_06: But anyway, but he said to me right before they got married, he goes, Mom, she's gonna be my immediate family.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_06: You're now my extended family.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_06: He said, Mom, that's biblical.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_06: I thought, why did I show him the Bible?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_06: Let me tell y'all about him.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_06: He's an old soul.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_06: Have you ever met anybody that was an old soul?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_06: He was born an 80-year-old man.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_06: He has had a garden since he was in sixth grade.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_06: He plays the mountain dulcimer in the banjo.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_06: He woodwork.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_06: He makes spoons.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_06: He makes spoons.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, he is so yummy.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, his favorite music is gospel bluegrass.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_06: His favorite well no?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_06: Ding-a-ding-a-ding.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_06: Alright.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_06: His favorite artist was Dr.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph Stanley.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_06: Dr.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph, look at you.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_06: Look at you! Knowing who Dr.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph Stanley is.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, for those of you who don't, he was on the Oath Brother War Thal.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_06: That is probably the most famous thing he did.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_06: But he was the godfather of Mountain Soul.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_06: He ended up dying at like 92.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_06: And had a little cowboy hat propped on his head.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_06: Yummy.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, he would come through Knoxville and I would take my son to see Dr.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph when my son couldn't drive.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_06: They propped little Dr.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph up on stage because he was so old.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_06: I almost threw my panties at him because that's what you do to Tom Jones.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_06: And I love him.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_06: But anyway, I'm standing there listening to Dr.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_06: Ralph Stanley singing Gospel Bluegrass, and I think to myself, how many teenage boys are listening to this?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_06: What are teenage boys listening to?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_06: Rihanna?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_06: Walk a flock a flame.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_06: Some of that nasty goings on.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_06: I thought, wouldn't it be funny if I had to yell at my boy, turn that gospel bluegrass down?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_06: You're out of control.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_06: If I hear I saw the light one more time.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think I gravitate towards Filipinos because we're very similar.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Mexicans and Filipinos are very similar.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have big families, y'all have big families.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: We live at the same house, y'all live at the same house.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Very similar.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: One of my good friends, she's Filipino, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh one day her grandma was driving, and she probably shouldn't have been.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And uh you may think you know where I'm going with a joke, but you don't, so just wait for it.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So her little Filipino grandma, she's driving, and all of a sudden she hit a dog.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know, it was really sad.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: But her response to that was a slutty dog.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So at least she apologized.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now I just use that in everyday life.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I trip over something, I'm like, oh yeah, slutty dog.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like all my Filipino friends are real jumpy.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like they get scared real easily.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like my friend Penny, she's Filipino, she gets scared of everything.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything scary, you just walk around the corner unannounced.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You scare me, huh?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, oh yeah.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Filipinos go through like ten different scared facial expressions.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: One time I was at the mall at like Orange Julia's or something, and there's a little Filipino lady working the register, right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And she went to hand me my receipt, but it drops, and she goes, Just a receipt, I got it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so we don't want no kids.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband and I we're still real new, right?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like we just got married last summer, we had just moved in together, so we're still like figuring each other out, right?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like our little things we do, our little rules we have, right?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like for instance, like I'm a toothbrush, right?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I like to be the only one that uses my toothbrush.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_06: My second baby is my oldest daughter who's about to graduate from the University of Tennessee.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_06: She's 22, and let me tell y'all, I know every crow thinks theirs is the blackest, but let me say that she is a beauty.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_06: And she is smart, and um, she's done very well in school, and she's in a sorority and done well with her sorority, and she's um athletic, and uh she's mean, and um we're scared to death of her.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_06: We walk on egg channels around her.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_06: She's not mean to other people or in public, she holds it in so that she can come home and like spew it out onto me.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_06: That's okay.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_06: That's God's way.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_06: But this is what I think happens when she was a junior, her somewhere between her junior and senior year.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_06: I think that God allows this to happen.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_06: And you little girls that your babies aren't this old, let's just listen to me.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_06: All right, one day they'll just turn on you.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_06: And you'll think, who in the world is this?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_06: Who's coming down the steps in the morning?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_06: We don't know who this is.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_06: I think that God allows that because he knows that you're about to let your baby go off to college or whatever they're gonna do, and he knows that you're grieving.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_06: So he makes them just as mean as he can so that you can let them go.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_06: And I believe that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_06: That summer, the very breath that I breathed out of my nostrils made her so angry.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_06: We were not allowed to eat cereal in our own home because she couldn't stand to hear us chew.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_06: I don't mean to talk about her because she had a lot on her.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_06: She had to empty the dishwasher.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_06: Stuff like that.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_06: That's so hard.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_06: Okay, let me tell you about an example when she was probably your baby's age, your y'all, y'all's little children, because y'all are so cute.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_06: Look, they their thyroid's still functioning, y'all still got hair.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_06: Good for y'all.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_06: Um, y'all got on little britches.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_06: Yay! Okay, when my baby, when my middle one, when she was in elementary school, I was so blessed that I got to pick take them to school and pick them up every day in my minivan.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_06: And I would watch them come out, my girls, and I saw them.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_06: They were in a good mood.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_06: I saw it.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_06: All right, they would be goosing each other and waving to all the little children and the principal, see you tomorrow.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_06: Then they'd come over to my minivan.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_06: Get in, slam the door.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_06: That middle woman take her backpack and sling me in the back of the head with it.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_06: She'd say every day, something like, I'm starving to death.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_06: You don't have a piece of cheese in this car.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_06: Your driving's making me car sick.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_06: I hate her.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_06: Why did you have her?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_06: And the baby be sitting over the bank, she be going, mom, ma, mom, mom, mom.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_06: And I say, what?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_06: And she go, mom, mom, mom, mom.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_06: I go, what?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_06: I'm listening.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_06: She could say some of the craziest things.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_06: She said to me one day, did Jesus ever have headlines?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_06: How do you answer that?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_06: I said, Well, maybe I don't.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_06: But if he did, I know we healed him.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_05: I haven't been doing television for a while because I've been living and working in Las Vegas for the past 16 years.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_05: I know people say, why did you do that?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_05: Why did you live in Las Vegas?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_05: And you know what?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_05: I have to tell you, strangely, it's one of the only places a comedian can have a normal life.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_05: Isn't that weird?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_05: Because I took a car to my show and the audience took a plane.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_05: And since I haven't been very visible for a while, whenever I'm walking around, people they kind of look at me and they think they think they recognize me, but they're not sure from where.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_05: And I can see their brains going, and and they're thinking, is she a math teacher who failed me in high school?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_05: Is she a meter maid who gave me a ticket?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_05: And finally this one guy stopped me and said, I know you from television.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, Oh, you do.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_05: And he said, Yes, you were a juror on law and order.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, Yes, I was, because you know what, I'm a people pleaser.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_05: I don't want to tell anyone they're wrong.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_05: And he continued on and said, Well, I thought you were right, I also thought he was guilty.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, Well, the evidence was was overwhelming.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_05: And I continued on, and another lady stopped me and said, I don't want to insult you, but you look a lot like Rita Rugner.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_05: What do you say to that?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_05: I said, Well, I'm not, I was a juror on law and order.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_05: And another reason I wanted to stop traveling was I have a daughter, and uh my husband and I wanted to raise our daughter together.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_05: Strange concept.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_05: And she's 15 now.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_05: Yes, I have to say it's not easy being a teenager.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_05: I kind of feel sorry for her.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_05: She recently sprained both of her optic nerves by rolling her eyes at me.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_05: And she used to listen to me.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_05: What happened to that?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_05: Now she only takes the advice of her peers.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_05: So um I give her friend Isabella$10 a week to tell her to stand up straight.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_05: And boys are starting to come into the picture.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_05: That's gonna be such a nightmare.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_05: She always had bad taste.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_05: Really, even in Jimbury, she liked the little boy with the low diapers.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_05: And all these things are going on in high school.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_05: The sexting?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_05: Hmm, well, I know, but it's hard to tell someone not to do something when you've done it yourself.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_05: Well, it was a long, long time ago, and it was on an etch a sketch.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_05: But I'm trying to not make the same mistakes my parents made.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_05: They were so overprotective.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my gosh, my tricycle had seven wheels, you know, and a driver.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_05: My parents wouldn't even push me on the swing.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_05: They'd just sit me on the swing and run back and forth and say, it looks similar to this.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: Since when did society get to tell you what to do with a kid?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: I had my kid.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: I had never told anybody what to do with their kid.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: Within an hour of coming home from the hospital, I received four phone calls from a Nazi breastfeeding organization that found out I was gonna give my son a bottle.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: I said, What do you people want?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: The lady goes, we'd like to come over and nurse your baby.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_02: Said, my baby's fine, but my husband could use some attention.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_02: I'm tired and I see how this works out.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: And he doesn't want to let any of them go to waste.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: It was a long time ago, it's alright.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: People tell you what to do with that's to do with your kids.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know why people tell you what to do with the kid.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: We're ruining kids.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: I signed my son up for t-ball.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: All I ever wanted was a little boy to play sports.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_02: They don't even keep score t-ball anymore.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: Because everybody's a winner.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_02: Not really.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: Look around.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: Some people are losers.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: Innately.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: And if you don't teach your kid how to lose and figure out a way to come back and win, then he's gonna live with you in his underwear and cowboy boots behind the screen door for the rest of his life.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: Crazy.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: There's no incentive for success anymore.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_02: Sports is over.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: I told you, I'm a daughter of a former pro football player.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: I am so sad for sports.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: You can thank Southern California.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's over.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: Ten years, no more sports.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_02: Because they just passed a law.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: Every kid who tries out for a sports team in Southern California automatically makes the team.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Then who the hell is in the band?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's how you get the band.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: That is how you get the band.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: No one wants to play the tuba.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_02: There is no Justin Bieber tuba player to inspire kids.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's just a big so chooch who can't get off the line fast enough.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, hey, you want to be on the field?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_02: Put these white boots on and carry this horn.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go march.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_02: Tuss.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: Tuss.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: It's a matter of hitting a little too close to home for some reason.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: Su it up.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: Crazy.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: You find the funny, it's there.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: Every day.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: Every day something.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was in Florida, a woman got eaten by an alligator.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing funny about that.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: At first.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: This woman was a jogger.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: And they believed that she was jogging this canal where this gator lived.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: Well, duh.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not even from Florida.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: I know if it rains and there's a puddle, probably a gator.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_02: I get off the plane and start running in a zigzag formation at the airport.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: Some more useless information from the Discovery Channel.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_02: She was a jogger.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: They believe two weeks prior to eating her, this gator actually jumped up out of the canal and nipped her on the ankle.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: Nipped her on the ankle.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yet she continued to jog the canal.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_02: What more would a gator need to do to keep you out of his yard?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_02: And he had to eat her.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: Because he was getting shit from his gator boys.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_02: Every day she showed up post-nip, they're like, what are you gonna do?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: Gummer like the no-tooth hooker?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: Here's where we learned everything.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: ABC after school special.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_02: Because you right, that was it.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: They're the ones who cared about us enough to talk to us about topics.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: They talk to us about topics that are so controversial that if you talk to your child about it tonight, they'd have an investigation started on you on Monday.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: Stuff that literally, and they would trick us.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_02: For you who don't know millennials, they would trick us.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: They would take the popular child actors of the day and then put them in the afterschool special in these horrible situations.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like Jodie Foster was playing baseball in a Disney film on the weekend, and she was a heroin addict on Wednesday afternoon in the after school special.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: She was so bad of a heroin addict.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: She would go into her room after school, she'd go upstairs into the back of her closet, and she'd shoot up in all the 70s lava lamp weirdo things that come on.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: And she'd come out of the closet, which I still find ironic.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um that was another after school special.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_02: I think starring Robbie Benson, I'm not sure.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um and her parents had moved.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: Moved.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: It wasn't just say no, it was your people will go.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's why no one of our generation does heroin, because we saw what the hell happened to Jody Fox.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: That's why.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'll never forget this one.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: This one, I'll this one.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: If you saw this, it changed your life, changed mine.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: There were these kids that were playing on the playground.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: Just playing swinging on swing, sliding down slide by themselves, by the way.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Because you could back then.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: There are play dates now.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's what they do with kids.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_02: That was that was a whole thing for me when I became a parent.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know about that.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_02: My son was five, he wanted to have a play date with his little boy, Justin.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_02: Uh but that meant I had to call Justin's mother and coordinate their schedules so they could pick boogers simultaneously.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: Justin's mother was one of those tiger mothers, and she had him, uh, she was just, oh, Justin's not available on Tuesday.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_02: He's not, that's when he has Chinese and Shallow.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, you need to, yeah, what are we, negotiating trade deals?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, you need to let Justin come over.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_02: Let the neighbor kids beat the hell out of him because that's a life you're setting Justin up for over there.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Finally, Justin's mother found a date that was open in his schedule.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: And uh she came over and she walked in and she sat down on my couch and she stayed.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_02: Now, some of you don't understand why that's even funny.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_02: But I did not invite her over.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_02: I invited her child over to play with my child because I'm busy.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_02: I only have one kid.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_02: You're supposed to have two so they can play together, plus case one's An idiot, you have somewhere else to live when you get old.
• 22:02
  unknown: Okay.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_05: It's good to be an older mother as I watch my friends make mistakes.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_05: I don't make them.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_05: They take their kids to Disneyland.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_05: When they're two and three years old, the kids don't remember it.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_05: I waited till Molly was ten.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_05: And she said, Mommy, will you take me to Disneyland?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, I took you.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_05: You didn't like it.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_05: And now they're learning about the world in school.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_05: She asked me about terrorists, and oh gosh.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_05: I said, All I know about terrorists is they know they're doing something wrong.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_05: Otherwise, they wouldn't cover their faces while they were doing it.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_05: When men do something they're proud of, they very rarely want to remain incognito.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_05: Here's something I've never seen.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_05: Touchdown.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_05: Can I tell you something about that joke?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_05: Okay, here's the backstory to the joke.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_05: I used to do it about the KKK, but then they marched in Charlottesville and they took off their sheets.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_05: Not only did they disgrace America, they ruined my joke.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_05: And they said we took our sheets off because we wanted everyone to see we're not scary, we're good-looking people.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_05: And I had a look at the footage, and maybe they should put the sheets back on.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_05: I have to tell you, I'm a little obsessed with the sheets.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_05: And I I was wondering if wealthy white supremacists wear sheets with a higher thread count.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_05: Just wondering.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_05: Do lazy white supremacists wear the no-iron?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_05: And in the winter, do they put blankets over their sheets?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_05: These are things I need to know.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_05: And I don't do a lot of politics in my app, but if we can't stand up against white supremacy and anti-Semitism, who are we?
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_05: And who am I?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_05: However, hatred.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_05: Hatred is another story.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_05: Because I've hated.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_05: I have, I've hated.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_05: I hated my neighbor.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_05: Not because of racist skin color.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_05: He was just a creep.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_05: And he was inconsiderate, and he used to have pool parties till 3 a.m.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_05: in my pool.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_05: And my dad hated too, but he kept his hatred confined to our family.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_05: My dad hated his sister and didn't talk to her for about 40 years, and my dad wasn't well, and I knew he was gonna pass away.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, Why do you hate Aunt Sylvie?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_05: And you know what he said, I can't remember.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, so before he died, I got them together and they were able to talk, and I was so happy that I did because before my dad died, he was he was able to remember why he hated her.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: There was actually a sign-up in one of the vegetarian restaurants I used to go to that said, if animals could speak, we would all be vegetarians.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true because people can speak, we still hate them, so why wouldn't it work for animals too?
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Some animals are gonna have an attitude problem.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, cat people.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: I just feel like if animals get dog, you would walk into a diva fit every day.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: You would just walk in, your cat's like, excuse me, excuse me.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't approve of the new food you bought, that kitty litter is disgusting, and your presence is annoying me.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go lick my butt for 20 minutes.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: I expect you to be gone by the time I return.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know what's great about being an animal person is that when you have a pet, when you have an animal, people with kids always try to remind you that you don't have a baby.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: All your friends with kids are like, oh my god, he's your baby.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: He's your baby, because you don't have a real one.
• 26:15
  unknown: So sad.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: And don't get me wrong, I would love, love to have a baby.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, not physically, because it looks uncomfortable.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to acquire a baby.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like leave a trail of Skittles or something.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: Just have one follow me home.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Kid baby.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think they're awesome.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: I really do.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think my favorite age for kids is that toddler age.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right?
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because they have this cute, they they have no filter, first of all.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: They have no filter, and that's that's what I connect with.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because I struggle with that.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: I struggle a lot with not having a filter, but I get in way more trouble than kids do.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: Kids say whatever they want, we think it's adorable.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: I say something wrong, and my brain is like, you really should have checked with me.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: Before you let that one slip out.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's the beauty of being a kid.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: They can test the waters, they can say whatever, and they will, because kids don't have a filter until you put it in as a grown-up.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like you ever been insulted by a kid?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it legitimately hurts your feelings, doesn't it?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: But you can't say anything about it.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because they'll just walk right up to you and be like, you're ugly, and then walk away.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you just gotta stand there like, he's so cute.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanna hug him around the neck.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's adorable.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: But when you think about it, you know what I mean?
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: That kid isn't trying to mess with you.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if that kid said you're ugly, it's because he genuinely thinks you're ugly.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: But like so ugly, he had to stop whatever he was doing.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: And inform you of the situation.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like he was doing something and he was like, no, put the Legos away.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: What is that?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: Get it fixed.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with you?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: I can barely keep my lunchables down, guys.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if girls want to hear this, but the truth is 90% of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy's attention, okay?
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: And it's just the way we're built biologically.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: This is just something we do.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_03: We love to get your attention.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's part of the sport of it, alright?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_03: You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky bar stools?
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: I go because there's guys there.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_03: You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_03: I go because there's guys there.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: We don't wear heels for our circulation.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_03: We do it to prop up our butt so you'll look at me and want to mate with me.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's why we do it.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_03: This isn't a fucking game, alright?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: This isn't a push-up bra.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_03: It's body armor.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_03: And this ain't makeup, sweetheart, it's war paint.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_03: Let's make a baby.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: Girls know exactly what they're doing.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_03: We know exactly what you like, what you don't like.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: We do our research when we like a guy, and by research I mean we Facebook stalk you, but we do it.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_03: I know your favorite foods, I know where you went on vacation, I know that your favorite team is the cowboys.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_03: I know all about that.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm totally into you.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_03: They say men are hunters and women are gatherers.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: Well, kind of.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_03: Women are gatherers.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: We like to gather information about you and then we hunt you.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_03: You think when I bring you home to meet mom on Christmas, it's because I want her to meet you?
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's so I can be like, Mom, look what I caught.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_03: We have to, because guys are kind of passive when it comes to meeting women.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_03: Sure they go out, but girls make a sport of it.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_03: My guy friends don't care.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: If they had their way, they spend every Saturday night with each other, which is weird, watching A Thousand Ways to Die, eating sandwiches, ragging on their one friend that has a huge nutsack for no reason.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's what they would do.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_03: Going out's very important.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: You got a real job, your weekend is very important to you because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life that you work so hard for all week.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's what your weekend is.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: If you're a real professional, your weekend starts Thursday at like 5 p.m.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: You go to happy hour, happy hour trickles into like nighttime, you drink a little bit, because you can go to work a little hungover, right?
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_03: No one's doing real work on Friday.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's working on a Friday.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's working on a Friday because it's what?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_03: Shabbat.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_03: No, because it's Friday and nobody cares.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_03: You ever been at work?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_03: Your boss is never gonna be like, let's get in those reports and start brainstorming.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, okay, I'll be there.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you're serious.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, little hand job, I'll be at my desk.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's fine.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_03: Girls take going out very seriously, because that's our hunting grounds.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_03: Going out.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_03: Let's do it.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do like a girls' night?
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do that?
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: Every weekend I get calls from my girlfriends.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do like just girls?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do like a fun girls' night?
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: Eliza, I'm talking to you.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_03: Eliza, uh-uh, do you want to do that?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do like a girl night?
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: We'll just do like they'll all wear like fun shoes and we'll all get like appies, and then we'll do like a fun girl's night.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: Do you want to do that?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: I want to do a girls' night.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_03: I made an evite for the four of us.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_03: You didn't answer, because I'm standing right here.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: You're such a bitch.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: Let's do a girls' night.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: Let's do just girls, no boys.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just all wear wedges and no boys.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_03: Let's not do boys, just girls, just the girls.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, why?
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: We hate each other.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_03: Girls hate each other.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_03: She hates you, especially during the day.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_03: But when the moon comes up and there's white wine involved, oh my god, Stacey, you look amazing.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: I fucking love you.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_03: And you notice the drunker you get, the more Spanish you start speaking.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, Mamma Cita, mui caliente.
• 32:05
  unknown: Woo!
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: Fucking love you, Chica.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_03: But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must take away from another girlfriend.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's how we keep balance in the girl universe.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_03: I love you, can I just tell you?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_03: I love you, I do, but you know who I hate?
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_04: Becky.