Latest / Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show / Donald Drumpf Theatre #239: Donald Drumpf Puts The Me in Memorial Day

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Donald Drumpf Theatre #239: Donald Drumpf Puts The Me in Memorial Day · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: You have tuned into Donald Trump Theater number 239.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump puts the me in Memorial Day.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: This holiday is for billionaires and trophy wives, he says.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: So let's pull the curtain back.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: We are controlling transmission, if we wish to make it louder.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: We will bring up the body.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:44
  You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance,
• 0:47
  of things and ideas.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_03: You've just crossed over into...
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: I hear it's fake news, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's fake news, okay?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_03: Now, would I do that?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 1:15
  The president of the United States has the authority to do what
• 1:18
  the president has
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: the authority to do.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_03: You will respect my...
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Respect his authority.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I've declared myself as king.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_03: I learned a lot from Richard Nixon.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: I could cause panic much better than even you.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: I could do much.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: I would make you look like a minor league player.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: So, Professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I would, Kent.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: The things that this show has called him,
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: this approach is,
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I guess it's kind of like we're living in the twilight zone.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: Rest easy, Americans.
• 1:51
  If there's one thing we all know,
• 1:53
  it's that first they come for the undocumented migrants.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: And as long as nobody speaks out, they stop.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's been 100 years since I became president.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: Feels longer,
• 2:07
  but people are saying that what I've done so far has
• 2:10
  single-handedly helped win
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: people elections,
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: mostly in Canada.
• 2:26
  I've also signed 147 executive orders,
• 2:32
  everything from banning paper straws to defunding PBS.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: I understand Elmo has now been apprehended by ICE.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: Brought to you by the letter L for El Salvador.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: He's not coming back.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: But we've got a few new executive orders.
• 3:07
  And here to help is Deputy Chief of Staff and Lord of the
• 3:11
  Shadows,
• 3:12
  Stephen Miller.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: Mr. President, it's an absolute pleasure to be here.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: This first order would bring back Columbus Day.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, it's so important.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: We are bringing back Columbus Day back from the ashes.
• 3:45
  We have to protect Columbus Day for our great Italian-American
• 3:48
  friends like Tony
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: Soprano,
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_03: Benny Blanco,
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: and Childish Gambino.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: See your friends, they're in.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_03: See your friends, get under their skin.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: See your friends, get taken in.
• 4:05
  This order would reduce the number of interracial couples in TV
• 4:09
  commercials.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's just too many, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: You see them in the kitchen together making meal from HelloFresh.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: He's wearing loafers.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: She's got tight braids.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, where'd they meet?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: You know?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: What do they even talk about?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's insane.
• 4:32
  This order will make it socially acceptable for a man in his
• 4:35
  70s to date a 24-year-old.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's right.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: We're calling it the Belichick Law.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to make girlfriends young again, okay?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Old men can now date far younger women.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: We like that.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's hot.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: But in reverse, it's quite disgusting, right?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: Very dateline, you know?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Would you say a trophy wife?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: I guess we can say a trophy wife.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: It didn't work out too well.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: And that doesn't work out too well, I must tell you.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of trophy wives, doesn't work out.
• 5:39
  This order I believe forbids all Hispanic babies from getting
• 5:44
  their ears pierced.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: I believe this was Marco's idea.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_03: No, it wasn't.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, it was.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, it was.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, little Maricella.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, Valentina.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's clip-ons for you from now on, all right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: I mean,
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: we got grown white American tweens trying to get into Claire's,
• 6:14
  and they got to wait behind a thousand tiny Latina babies to
• 6:17
  get their ears
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: pierced.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's no bueno, right, Mark?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: Si, sir.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: See your friends walking down the street.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: Let's keep it rolling, Stephen.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: What's next?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: Sir, this order will outlaw ghosts.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: We're sick of the ghosts, right?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_03: We don't like them.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know, every Christmas Eve, I get visited by three ghosts.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, sir, you have to change.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: You have to change.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: You did bad things, and you have to change.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, stop rattling those chains, okay?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: I'm trying to enjoy my dark, lonely Christmas Eve.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Sir, this order will officially shorten the word recession.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's good.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: Recession will now be called recess.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: Fun, right?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: So, America, get ready for a historically long recess.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to freeze you But I'm no good with machinery Oh,
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to freeze you Stop looking at the scenery
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: I just want to be your victim.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how much you die.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how much you are.
• 8:09
  thanks to me there's gonna be not too many wars a lot of people
• 8:14
  dying of starvation
• 8:15
  and in other wars that because we're not defending them but
• 8:20
  we're not gonna die
• 8:40
  Like a stranger We'll see a friend Despite all the arrangements
• 8:45
  We'll see a friend
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I know he has changed
• 8:49
  President Trump is set to pardon reality stars Todd and Julie
• 8:53
  Chrisley today.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: Both were convicted of tax evasion and bank fraud.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Roughly two years into their prison sentences.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Their daughter,
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Savannah,
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: made a plea for her parents pardon,
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: is a staunch supporter of President Trump,
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: and spoke at the Republican National Convention last year.
• 9:08
  The Chrisleys were indicted during the first Trump
• 9:10
  administration in 2019.
• 9:13
  After their convictions,
• 9:14
  Todd was sentenced to 12 years in prison,
• 9:16
  Julie to seven years.
• 9:18
  This is one of several recent presidential pardons Trump has
• 9:22
  used on family members
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: of supporters.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: Mounting criticism over a new directive today,
• 9:36
  as the Pentagon has banned men with girl names from serving in
• 9:39
  the military.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced a new policy today,
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: officially banning all men with names like Jamie,
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: Shannon,
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: and Terry from participating in combat roles effective immediately.
• 9:51
  The ban has already led to the termination of several officers
• 9:54
  in high command,
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: such as Vice Admiral Mackenzie White,
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Brigadier General Peyton Littlefield,
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: and Chief of Naval Operations Sage Hoffman.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: President Trump pledged his full support of the ban,
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: posting this to Truth Social,
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: Bye bye,
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: Bailey.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: We've got to leave the fighting to Gus.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yesterday was Memorial Day,
• 10:30
  the day on which we remember the sacrifices our fellow
• 10:33
  Americans made to protect
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: the freedoms we now willingly give up in exchange for a red baseball cap.
• 11:12
  Our president celebrated the first two letters of Memorial Day
• 11:16
  this weekend.
• 11:18
  Do you remember?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: You're not supposed to say happy Memorial Day.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's a day of remembrance and respect.
• 11:27
  So,
• 11:27
  of course,
• 11:28
  our hippopotamus began the day by wishing a happy Memorial Day
• 11:33
  to all.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: Which, OK, at least it was positive for a change.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: What's that?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh,
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: there's more,
• 11:39
  including the scum that spent the last four years trying to
• 11:42
  destroy our country.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: Any subject, he connects it to the previous administration.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_03: Would you like some ketchup, Mr. President?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: Ketchup?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: If Biden was still in charge, we'd never ketchup.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: He's a loser.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: Trump gave the commencement speech at West Point on Saturday.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: West Point,
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: if you don't know,
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: is where the brightest and sharpest go to learn to lead military people.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: When it comes to speaking to young future leaders,
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: most of them around 22 years old,
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: no one knows how to motivate and inspire like our commander-in-chief.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: To be really successful, you're always going to have to work hard.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: An example is a great athlete, Gary Player, great golfer.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: He wasn't as big as the other men that were playing against him.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: Great, big, strong guys.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: Gary was a smaller guy.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to say too small.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: He's a friend of mine.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_03: He gets a little angry at people because he hits the ball just as far.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: He said, I hit the ball further than them.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I small?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: Now choose a club.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: You have chosen a three wood.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: May I suggest a putter?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: Three wood.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: Now enter the force of your swing.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: I suggest feather touch.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: You have entered power drive.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: Now push seven, eight, seven to swing.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: Ball is in.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: Parking lot.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Would you like to play again?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: You have selected no.
• 13:20
  Nothing lights up a crowd of young people like a story about
• 13:23
  89-year-old golf
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: legend Gary Player.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Except maybe for a warning about trophy wives.
• 13:31
  I tell a story sometimes about a man who was a great,
• 13:35
  great real estate man.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: He ended up getting a divorce.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: Found a new wife.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_03: Could you say a trophy wife?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: I guess we can say a trophy wife.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_03: It didn't work out too well.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: And that doesn't work out too well, I must tell you.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of trophy wives, doesn't work out.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: But it made them happy for a little while at least.
• 13:58
  I think we just found out what it would be like to take a whole
• 14:00
  graduating class to
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: visit grandpa in the home.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks.
• 14:06
  I mean,
• 14:06
  how long before we find him wandering in his bathrobe along the
• 14:09
  side of the road?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: In fairness,
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: he did get into military stuff at one point,
• 14:14
  dazzling the graduates with insight into some of the new
• 14:16
  technology and weaponry
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_03: that awaits them.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's a very different warfare out there today.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_03: Now they've introduced a thing called drone technology.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: It's controlled by a thing called computer.
• 14:33
  He always sounds like a caveman who just got thawed out of a
• 14:36
  block of ice.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: As far as I know, Trump didn't charge the cadets for the speech.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: That was a freebie,
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: unlike the event he had at his golf course,
• 14:44
  an exclusive dinner with the president for the top 220 grifties
• 14:49
  who purchased his
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_03: cryptocurrency in large amounts.
• 14:52
  The VIP guest list reportedly shelled out a total of $148
• 14:56
  million for the chance to
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: dine with the president of the United States,
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: just as our founding fathers intended.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: Some of these people...
• 15:04
  Paid tens of millions of dollars to be there,
• 15:06
  expecting to get the chance to talk to Trump.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_03: Instead, he showed up.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: He spoke for about 15 or 20 minutes.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_03: He danced his way offstage to YMCA.
• 15:15
  He danced out of the room and all the way to the bank and said
• 15:18
  he treated these
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: crypto bros like they were his own sons.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_03: Didn't meet personally with any of them.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: Didn't take photos.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: They said the dinner was bad.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of them left disappointed.
• 15:28
  You know,
• 15:28
  we talk a lot about how much Trump hates people who don't agree
• 15:31
  with him.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: He also doesn't seem to be too fond of the ones who do.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: Quite an celebration.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_03: There are about 200 people in this photo.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: I think about four of them are women.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: The number one token holder was Chinese-born crypto mogul Justin Sun.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, even Chinese crypto bros are named Justin.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that something?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_03: And if that name sounds familiar,
• 16:13
  it's because you remember that dope who blew $6.2 million on a
• 16:17
  banana duct taped to
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: a wall?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: That's Justin Sun.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: So you got some savvy investors here.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: It was a turbulent weekend for Donald Trump.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: You know how he promised he would end the war in Ukraine in 24 hours?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: Well,
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: it turns out he hasn't,
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: and he's starting to now realize that he may have misjudged his KGBFF.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'll give you an update.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not happy with what Putin's doing.
• 17:02
  He's killing a lot of people,
• 17:03
  and I don't know what the hell happened to Putin.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: I've known him a long time,
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: always gotten along with him,
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: but he's sending rockets into cities and killing people,
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: and I don't like it at all,
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_03: okay?
• 17:15
  we're in the middle of talking and he's shooting rockets into
• 17:18
  kiev and other cities
• 17:20
  i don't like it at all he doesn't like it at all i mean what
• 17:24
  happened he used to be
• 17:25
  such a sweet guy now he's firing rocket trump has two modes
• 17:28
  there's the i know more
• 17:30
  than everyone mode and the i'm just finding out what everyone
• 17:33
  already knew
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm surprised.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm very surprised.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: We'll see what we're going to do.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: What am I going to tell you?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: You're the fake news, aren't you?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_03: You're totally fake.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: Any other questions?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: I don't like what Putin is doing, not even a little bit.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: He's killing people.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: And something happened to this guy, and I don't like it.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: Something happened.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: This is not the Putin I married.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_03: So this morning, Trump issued a sternly worded something.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: He wrote,
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_03: what Vladimir Putin doesn't realize is that if it weren't for me,
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: And I mean really bad.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_03: He's playing with fire.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that should do it.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_03: That should.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_03: Vladimir Putin poisons people and throws them out windows.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: You think you're going to scare him with the title of a John Cena movie?
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks this week for the songs from Golden Earring,
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_03: Elvis Costello,
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: John Lennon,
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: and the Young Fresh Fellow.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for the clips and excerpts from James Austin Johnson,
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: Mikey Day,
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: and Marcelo Hernandez from Saturday Night Live.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: JL Colvin,
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_03: The Onion,
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_03: Jimmy Kimmel,
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: Lee Carvella's Putting Challenge,
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: Bart Simpson,
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: and Abe Simpson from The Simpsons.
• 20:19
  Tune in next week for episode 240,
• 20:22
  unless ICE agents whisk me off to El Salvador.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Are we done?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no, no.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: So you will come to know when the bone hits the bone So you will come
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: When the blood of this fall