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The Difference In A Healthy Relationship Vs A Toxic Relationship · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So relationships with narcissist versus relationships with a
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  healthier minded person, not a normal person, a healthier
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  minded person work differently. They have different starting
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  points and have different ending points.
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  So that's what we're going to discuss today.
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  The the, the dynamics of these relationships, especially that
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  of a narcissist. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a self aware diagnosed
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  narcissist and I'll give you all the perspective, a look inside
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  the mind of a narcissist. Welcome to another episode of
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  the Narcissist Code. So yes, welcome back folks.
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  Yes, the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist
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  are going to function way different damn near just
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  completely differently than a relationship with a non
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  narcissistic person, a healthier minded person.
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  I was struggling to find a word earlier.
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  I wanted to just say the word normal.
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  But normal just seems so you know, I don't know, normal don't
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  feel like the right word, right. So I know people going to say
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  well, like Lee, it is normal. Narcissist are not normal.
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  So that's why you don't feel normal.
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  You're not normal. Hey, just take it brother.
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  Eat it. Eat it.
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  No, but relationships with a healthier person, with a non
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  narcissistic person start at the bottom of the hill like you,
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  you, you progress forward, right?
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  You start at the bottom and you work your way to the top
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  together. That's how healthy relationship
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  dynamics work. You start at the bottom of this
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  hill together and it's like you have this rock, this
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  relationship rock this. I know it's a sweet Baby Ray's
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  BBQ sauce, but we're going to pretend this is a rock and we're
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  pushing this rock to the top of the hill.
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  We're pushing it together. We're pushing it through saying
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  I love you. We're pushing it up the hill
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  through our first house together, our first apartment,
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  our first car, our first marriage together, our first
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  kids, our first everything. We're going up this hill
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  together. That's how normal relationships
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  work. You start and it's it's a steady
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  pace as well. Y'all work It's a big it's a
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  heavy ass rock yo relationship. Rocks are heavy as hell is it's
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  tough to put the push this rock up the hill right.
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  So we're like we as you pushing this relationship rock up this
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  hill. It takes time you work together.
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  You might stumble, you might have some kind of you might have
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  some have to compromise, you might have some conflicts, but
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  you work through those conflicts in a healthy way.
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  You take your time. Your voice is here.
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  Your voice is heard right. You get to hear your voice, your
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  opinion, feel like it feels like it matters.
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  You work through things together like that's the dynamics of a
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  healthy relationship. Is it damn near just sounds
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  normal, doesn't it sounds kind of boring sometimes, right?
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  But that's the goal. The goal is to find a healthy
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  partner for most people. Not everybody wants to have been
• 2:59
  in a relationship. We we get that.
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  But the goal for most people is to find a healthy partner that
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  you can grow with and you can build with and you can thrive
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  with. So that makes sense for so many
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  people. So as you're moving forward and
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  so we know that you get to the top of this hill together and
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  it's till death do us part, right?
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  So one of us, you know, it's kind of crazy the the ending of
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  a healthy relationship is somebody passes away and this
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  this sucks, right? You know, but y'all grew
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  together. Y'all had a long life together.
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  Whatever time it is, you know, it had to be a long life.
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  You can be a short life together, but like you had that
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  life together and you built up. Now let's get down to the nitty
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  gritty, the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist,
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  right? So it's going to work completely
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  differently. Relationships with narcissist
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  don't seemingly don't start at the bottom of this hill, right?
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  They don't start at the bottom. It'll work your way to the top.
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  Narcissistic people is, is what a relation with a narcissist is
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  damn near like you get airdropped to the top of the
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  mountain, the top of the mountain, and then the rock is
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  already there waiting for you. Because if it's the cycle ends
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  up going backwards, it's still a cycle.
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  It's still a, it's still a relationship dynamic.
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  It's still a path, but it's works differently.
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  You know, it does work differently in these spaces and
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  whatnot. So instead of starting at the
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  bottom, working together, you start at the top.
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  This would be love bombing phase comes into play.
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  The idealization phase. You start the relationship is
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  moving so damn fast and you're going through, you're blowing
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  through this relationship mile markers.
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  So sometimes it's not like getting air dropped to the top
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  of the mountain, right? You can be at the bottom of the
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  mountain together, but it's just like you're you have a pulley or
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  something helping you pull it to the top or it's a false rock.
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  It's not even a real boulder. It's like Styrofoam.
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  You got a Styrofoam rock with a healthy with healthy with a
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  healthy relationship has a big ass boulder that they have to
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  push together. You have this Styrofoam rock and
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  you're just like, hey, this it look like a rock, but we're
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  pushing it together, right? You're blowing through
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  relationship mile markers very fast.
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  You're saying I love you sometime on the first damn date?
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  Y'all y'all? Y'all What?
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  I'm. I talk to people and I've heard
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  this before. The first time we met, they told
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  me they loved me. I knew I should have left at
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  that moment. Yeah, you probably should,
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  y'all. So going forward, if this hasn't
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  happened to you before or it has happened to you before, like
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  they tell you they love you on the first date, the first week,
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  the first, whatever, y'all. When it's if it feels too quick,
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  it feels too quick. If it feels too quick, it
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  probably one of these. You know, I say trust your
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  intuition. Well, Lee, my mom and dad, they
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  fell in love on the first night and they've been together
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  forever. Good for them.
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  Great for them. Your grandma and your grandpa
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  might have done the same thing, right?
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  But this, this might not work out the same way for you.
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  So this is something you got to consider, right?
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  So take your time. If it's uncomfortable, take take
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  your time. We'll leave.
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  How do we know if it's love, mom and the real love?
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  Ask yourself, is this sustainable?
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  If we're going to be together for a long time, why the hell
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  are we moving so quickly? And can you hold it?
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  Can you keep this up because we've been like we've been,
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  we've been bumping so quick. Can you keep this up?
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  Is this going like it? Can we work together for a long
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  time? How the hell are we going to do
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  this? What are we going to do moving
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  forward? There's so many different
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  questions and so many different scenarios that people face.
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  So you're going to have to slow things down.
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  Narcissist The the dynamics in relation with a narcissist is
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  speed. Speed is the weapon of a
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  narcissist. Y'all, it is.
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  Narcissist like to move very fast.
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  So you instead of starting at the bottom, they like to start
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  at the top. You're, you're saying I love you
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  very quickly. You're saying I want you very
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  quickly. You're living together very
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  quickly. You're engaged very quickly.
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  You're pregnant. Y'all, one of y'all get pregnant
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  very quickly. You get them pregnant very
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  quickly, whatever the situation may be.
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  You buy a house together very quickly.
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  Everything moves fast as shit. Now this is where does every
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  relationship with a narcissist move fast?
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  No, but most of them do. That's why that's why love
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  bombing is a real thing. So many people get love bombing.
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  You don't know where the hell you are right now in a
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  relationship. And this thing moves so quickly.
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  Like damn, I'm, I'm just this, I'm all discombobulated right
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  here. I'm all messed up, Lee.
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  I don't know what the hell. I don't know if I'm coming or
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  going. Like, so you start at the top of
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  this mountain and you're pushing it downhill because the best
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  part of a relationship with a narcissist is typically the it's
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  typically the beginning. Have you ever heard somebody say
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  this right here? Y'all?
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  The reason I kept going back into this toxic relationship is
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  because they felt so amazing at the beginning.
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  I wanted to get that feeling back, Lee.
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  I wanted to get that amazing feeling that I used to have back
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  if possible with this person, right?
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  Even though this person might have hurt me, this person might
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  have lied to me. This person might be
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  manipulative, just a lying, cheating bastard.
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  This person might be all of the above, but this is my person.
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  I love them, Lee. I want them.
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  I get that right? I understand how your mind works
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  in that situation, but sometimes you got to take a step back and
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  ask yourself those questions that is this moving too quickly.
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  You know, it might are the red flags flying around and I'm just
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  ignoring them. What is going on in this
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  situation? Because again, most narcissists
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  are going to try to take their time and not not trying to take
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  their time, they're going to try to blow through these
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  relationship mile markers. And so you want to get back to
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  the beginning of the relationship because that's when
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  things felt the best. That's when things felt amazing.
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  That's when you wanted to go back to it.
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  So you just like that, Lee. I need to go back into it.
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  I need to, I need that person that I had or I met in the
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  beginning. I need them back.
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  Like it felt so amazing to me. They this person loved me.
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  This person cared about me. This person did this, this
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  person did that. And I understand all of that.
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  Y'all. I yeah, when I say I get that,
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  trust me, I understand that. I absolutely get that.
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  But as you are moving with a narcissistic person, this is
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  something you have to understand as well that that person is
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  going to always choose them, right?
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  They're going to choose their happiness.
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  So they're not going to go back to the beginning of the
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  relationship because they might, even though it might have seemed
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  like they were happy to be in a relationship, a lot of times
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  they're faking the funk to get you to fall for them.
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  They're faking they're, they're faking it to get you in love
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  with them, to get you in thrall with them.
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  So you don't want to leave them. This is what happens to so many
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  people. Like they do get you, get you do
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  get caught up with these people. You do get caught up in these
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  relationships and it gets very difficult to just leave.
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  It really does because you have because they showed you the
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  potential of who they can be. So now instead of working your
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  way up to the end of the relationship, you started off at
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  the you started off at the end. You started off at the best
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  part. So you put instead of pushing
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  your rock uphill together, this damn thing is rolling downhill
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  at the speed of light. The the fast, as fast as it was
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  going at the beginning, as fast as it is on the way out, instead
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  of like moving forward now you're going backwards.
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  Now they take the love away. The stuff that they were doing
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  for you in the beginning, they now are removing.
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  They're now treating you like they're now treating you like
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  crap. They're now, you know, making it
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  seem like you're the aggressor. You're you're a bad person.
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  They devalue you. Then guess what happened?
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  Y'all know the cycle? Y'all know the cycle of
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  narcissistic abuse, love bombing, devaluation, discard
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  and Hoover? Now I have a course called
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  Understanding the Seven Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship.
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  While going more into detail about the cycle of a
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  narcissistic relationship, you can find
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  everything@mentalillness.net. But you now you're going through
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  these stages just as fast as you going through the love bombing
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  phase. Love bombing, Then they start to
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  devalue you. Now you're pushing the rock
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  downhill. Then they start to discard you.
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  You know, emotional discard goes first.
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  They emotionally discard you. They get rid of you emotionally
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  first. They emotionally disconnect from
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  you. And then sometimes they
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  physically discard you. They physically get rid of you
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  and then of course, at the end they discard you and maybe maybe
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  they Hoover you, Hoover remains. They try to come back, they try
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  to suck you back into the relationship.
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  And like I said, again, it might not get, you're not going to get
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  air dropped to the top of the mountain.
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  You're going to start this one off at the bottom and you're
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  going to take the scraps. You going to be, you're going to
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  be able to see the top of the mountain and, and, and want to
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  get back there, but you're never going to, it's never going to
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  feel their way again because you now you're at the bottom and the
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  narcissist, they, we thrive at the bottom.
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  Narcissistic people thrive at the bottom of the hill.
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  This is our comfort zone, not at the top.
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  We are comfortable at the bottom.
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  Now you are trying to push that rock back up to the top of the
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  mountain because you want to get back to the beginning and it
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  just doesn't work out. Narcissist, they come up here,
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  they'll trip you up, they'll push you downhill and all that
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  other good stuff. Y'all anyways, y'all hope this
• 11:39
  video brushes some clarity versus a healthy relationship
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  cycle and a narcissistic relationship cycle.
• 11:44
  Hit the subscribe button if you haven't and then after you
• 11:46
  subscribe, turn on all notifications so you don't miss
• 11:48
  a beat. Y'all, thank you so much for the
• 11:50
  support and it's always y'all maintenance is that peace.
• 11:53
  Before you go, make sure that you hit the subscribe button if
• 11:56
  you haven't already. Y'all you already here just hit
• 11:58
  the button. Also you can find my coaching,
• 12:00
  my courses, my one on ones, everything is available at my
• 12:03
  website, mentalillness.net, kids book, self love journal.
• 12:07
  Also check out joining the channel memberships as well.
• 12:09
  Y'all thank you so much for being here.
• 12:11
  I'm super grateful I'm out. Peace.