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Discover the Secret to Healing Your Relationships and Yourself—Understand Your Emotions Now! · Wake Up with Marci

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to Wake Up with Marcy, a deep dive into
0:03
Speaker 1: self discovery. I'm your host, Marcy Hopkins, and this is
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Speaker 1: the space where we get real about life transformation and
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Speaker 1: finding our true selves. Hello all, and welcome back to
0:16
Speaker 1: Wake Up with Marcy, the show where real conversations lead
0:20
Speaker 1: to real transformation. I am so glad that you are
0:23
Speaker 1: here with me today. Today's episode is all about something
0:27
Speaker 1: we crave and that is connection. But not just surface
0:32
Speaker 1: level connection. I'm talking about deep, emotional, authentic connection with
0:37
Speaker 1: ourselves and the people we love. Relationships can be so hard,
0:41
Speaker 1: but there is hope and it starts with understanding yourself. Yes,
0:46
Speaker 1: that's what I said. It's not about changing the other person.
0:49
Speaker 1: It starts with you and that is what we're going
0:52
Speaker 1: to learn about today. If you are looking to grow
0:55
Speaker 1: in all relationships in your life, then this show is
0:58
Speaker 1: for you. Our guest today is someone who's doing truly
1:03
Speaker 1: transformational work in his space, and that's all about relationships.
1:08
Speaker 1: Todd Paine is a seasoned relationship coach with over twenty
1:12
Speaker 1: five years of experience. He's the founder of Connectfully and
1:16
Speaker 1: the creator of Relationship Renewal Program, a powerful process that
1:22
Speaker 1: goes far beyond traditional therapy to address the emotional habits
1:26
Speaker 1: that quietly erode our connections. Todd's journey has taken him
1:31
Speaker 1: from ministry to coaching, and after a wildfire forced him
1:36
Speaker 1: and his family to rebuild their lives, he relocated to Portugal,
1:40
Speaker 1: where he is now and now coaches individuals, couples, and
1:44
Speaker 1: teams across the globe. Today we'll talk about emotional intelligence
1:49
Speaker 1: the enneagram, which that one was new to me, so
1:52
Speaker 1: I'm excited to hear.
1:53
Speaker 2: More about that.
1:55
Speaker 1: And i will tell you I took that test and
1:58
Speaker 1: I'm a people pleaser. Yeah, yeah, it really didn't.
2:05
Speaker 2: I already knew that.
2:07
Speaker 1: And and where we can, you know, stop the same
2:10
Speaker 1: patterns that we have in relationships and start building real
2:14
Speaker 1: relationships that thrive. So let's dive in. Todd, thank you
2:18
Speaker 1: so much for being on the show.
2:20
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me. It is truly
2:22
Speaker 3: an honor to be here with you and to be
2:23
Speaker 3: talking about this wonderful possibility and hope that that is
2:28
Speaker 3: for everyone who is in a relationship with another human being.
2:31
Speaker 1: Right yeah, because you know, spoiler alert, we're all different.
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Speaker 1: Even if we can say like ones of people pleaser
2:42
Speaker 1: and another ones we're different, and then how we perceive
2:46
Speaker 1: things process.
2:49
Speaker 3: We are and and sort of on a cognitive level,
2:52
Speaker 3: we can all consent to that assertion. But on the
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Speaker 3: other hand, we also all kind of operate as though
2:59
Speaker 3: everybody wants what we wanted, thinks what we think, and
3:02
Speaker 3: values what we value, and are surprised when they behave
3:05
Speaker 3: differently than we would behave. So that's one key thing
3:09
Speaker 3: as well, is to not almost right people different, but.
3:13
Speaker 2: Exactly exactly so.
3:17
Speaker 1: For you, though, your journey started with a failure, and
3:23
Speaker 1: I'd love for you to share more about that and
3:26
Speaker 1: what was breaking down in your relationships at that time.
3:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a great question, you know. So I did
3:35
Speaker 3: not grow up in a religious family. I never really
3:38
Speaker 3: went to church of any kind. I did follow a
3:41
Speaker 3: girlfriend in college to church, because that's what boys do.
3:44
Speaker 3: We follow our girlfriends where they want to take us.
3:47
Speaker 3: But while I was there at church, I had really
3:50
Speaker 3: what could be described as a religious experience, and out
3:53
Speaker 3: of that came a calling to serve in the ministry.
3:56
Speaker 3: But when I told my parents that I was going
3:59
Speaker 3: to become a minister, my father said, you can't be
4:01
Speaker 3: a pastor. You're terrible with people, and sure enough after
4:05
Speaker 3: a year long internship. Several years into the training, my
4:08
Speaker 3: supervisor filled out my evaluation with the words, Todd has
4:12
Speaker 3: none of the gifts and skills essential for ministry. The
4:15
Speaker 3: big failure that set me on my journey was that
4:18
Speaker 3: I just was so bad with people. I didn't even
4:21
Speaker 3: know that I was bad with people, And it was
4:24
Speaker 3: a long hard road to understand how to interact with people,
4:28
Speaker 3: how to lead people, how to you know, just be
4:32
Speaker 3: a human being. But that's ultimately what led me to
4:36
Speaker 3: the work I do now in relationship coaching, because when
4:39
Speaker 3: you're failing math class, don't go to the kid who
4:42
Speaker 3: aces without doing the homework for tutoring. Go to the
4:45
Speaker 3: one who failed last year and this year is passing,
4:48
Speaker 3: because they're the ones who can walk you through how
4:50
Speaker 3: to solve the problems. And that's really where I have
4:52
Speaker 3: ended up.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I think it's it's hard to be in
4:58
Speaker 1: relationships anyway, and we bring our baggage it. Communication is
5:04
Speaker 1: really hard. But one of the things that you said
5:09
Speaker 1: was that your father said, and also the gentleman in
5:14
Speaker 1: the ministry, is that you weren't good with people. Why
5:19
Speaker 1: would they say that.
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Speaker 3: I burned bridges I stepped on toes. I remember one
5:28
Speaker 3: instance in particular where I got into a tug of
5:32
Speaker 3: war match over the American flag with a World War
5:36
Speaker 3: two veteran whether it should be on the altar, you know,
5:39
Speaker 3: in the altar space in the church. So just I
5:41
Speaker 3: didn't really have a sense of how my words and
5:43
Speaker 3: actions impacted other people. And like we were talking about earlier,
5:47
Speaker 3: that awareness of the fact that other people are different,
5:49
Speaker 3: that was also not really on my radar. I didn't
5:51
Speaker 3: understand how to read what people were saying or their
5:55
Speaker 3: actions through their own motivations, through their own understanding of
5:59
Speaker 3: the world. Was always taking it in pre very personally.
6:02
Speaker 1: And I've learned so much of this, you know, through
6:05
Speaker 1: all of my healing and my own training, right to
6:09
Speaker 1: be able to understand other people's perceptions and not realizing that,
6:17
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not always right, right, Like we just
6:21
Speaker 1: because we feel strongly about something doesn't mean somebody else does.
6:25
Speaker 1: And why do we so inherently believe like we believe
6:29
Speaker 1: something that someone else must believe that and if they don't,
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Speaker 1: they are wrong.
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Speaker 3: Right, you just put your finger. I was going to say,
6:37
Speaker 3: there's two pieces to that, and that's the second one
6:39
Speaker 3: is is a false sense of black and white, right
6:43
Speaker 3: and wrong. You can feel the way you feel about it,
6:47
Speaker 3: I can feel the way I feel about it, and
6:48
Speaker 3: we can both be completely valid and have a sort
6:52
Speaker 3: of emotional integrity and internal logic that makes sense and
6:56
Speaker 3: is coherent, and yet they don't have to agree. And
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Speaker 3: that is a very difficult space to mature into, a
7:04
Speaker 3: sort of holding open multiple perspectives, being comfortable with gray
7:09
Speaker 3: or with lack of resolution. So that's certainly one part.
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Speaker 3: But the simpler explanation is that that's just what it
7:18
Speaker 3: means to grow up. It's just what it means to
7:19
Speaker 3: be a child in a human body and a teenager
7:22
Speaker 3: in a human body, and we grow into adulthood and
7:25
Speaker 3: we really don't even have the capacity to understand what
7:29
Speaker 3: you and I were talking about until our brains are
7:31
Speaker 3: twenty years developed. And then we've got to go on
7:34
Speaker 3: the journey of discovery because it's not intuitive. As I
7:38
Speaker 3: said before, we kind of graduate childhood with the belief
7:42
Speaker 3: that everybody's like we are, but it's a process of
7:45
Speaker 3: discovery to, you know, to learn that they're not, and
7:49
Speaker 3: how to integrate what we discover about other people of our.
7:52
Speaker 1: Own experience, right, right, So you yourself went through a huge, huge,
8:00
Speaker 1: trial and error, you know, learning period. But let's let's
8:06
Speaker 1: talk about this this enneagram that you found. Share with
8:12
Speaker 1: us exactly what that is and about the framework and
8:17
Speaker 1: how did that work for you?
8:18
Speaker 2: How did that create the shift for you?
8:20
Speaker 3: Yeah? Great question. You know, after fifteen years of professional ministry,
8:27
Speaker 3: I had my feet under me. I understood a lot.
8:29
Speaker 3: I had, you know, as you said, learned the hard way,
8:31
Speaker 3: trial and error. Sometimes I call it the rock tumbler.
8:35
Speaker 3: When I got a sabbatical, a three month sabbatical, and
8:38
Speaker 3: my bishop said to me, well, this isn't just a
8:40
Speaker 3: chance to sleep in on Sunday. What are you going
8:42
Speaker 3: to do to improve yourself to learn and grow over
8:44
Speaker 3: the sabbatical? And I didn't have a good answer, and
8:47
Speaker 3: so he said, I think you should learn about the enneagram.
8:50
Speaker 3: And he sent me to a coach and he gave
8:52
Speaker 3: me some materials. And what I discovered in the enneagram
8:56
Speaker 3: was all that all those lessons I had learned the
8:58
Speaker 3: hard way, all those anecdotes, all those rules, there was
9:02
Speaker 3: a structure and a framework that I could put them in,
9:05
Speaker 3: and everything made sense. It was as if I was
9:08
Speaker 3: sort of looking through the trees, and all of a
9:10
Speaker 3: sudden was thirty thousand feet up looking at the whole landscape,
9:14
Speaker 3: and everything really made sense. And I came back from
9:17
Speaker 3: that sabbatical and I used it with my staff, with
9:19
Speaker 3: my committees, my volunteers, with my parishioners, and discovered the
9:23
Speaker 3: power that it holds for transforming the way that we
9:27
Speaker 3: interact with one another. So that's how it came to
9:29
Speaker 3: be my main focus. Eventually, I decided I'd had enough
9:34
Speaker 3: we evenings and weekends, and I retired from the ministry
9:37
Speaker 3: and now I do this full time. But to answer
9:40
Speaker 3: your question, what is it. It's an ancient system of
9:44
Speaker 3: understanding what motivates human beings and it goes back two
9:49
Speaker 3: and a half thousand years or more. And what separates
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Speaker 3: it from other systems of personality like Myers Briggs disc
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Speaker 3: Big five is that it's really less about observable behavior traits.
10:01
Speaker 3: It's not about what we do out in the world
10:05
Speaker 3: as it is about the story we tell ourselves, because
10:08
Speaker 3: we all walk around all day long saying I deserve this,
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Speaker 3: I was wronged in this way, I should be doing this,
10:13
Speaker 3: I'm a bad person for doing this, and that inner
10:16
Speaker 3: narrative we sort of feel like is organic and it's
10:19
Speaker 3: who we are. But in truth, there are sort of
10:22
Speaker 3: only nine stories that human beings tell themselves, and there's
10:27
Speaker 3: survival strategies. They're the ways that we have succeeded in
10:30
Speaker 3: the world, but we tend to rely on them as
10:34
Speaker 3: the only tool in our tool belt, and they're not
10:37
Speaker 3: applicable in every time and place and situation. So it's
10:40
Speaker 3: really about learning what are my patterns, how do they
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Speaker 3: serve me, how do they get in my way or
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Speaker 3: hinder me? And what do I do in those instances?
10:50
Speaker 3: And then I also use it. You know, you made
10:53
Speaker 3: an excellent point in the opening about that the change
10:55
Speaker 3: we can't change our partner, can only change ourselves. But
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Speaker 3: one thing the enneagram does I haven't found anywhere else
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Speaker 3: is it reveals our partner to us. It gives us
11:05
Speaker 3: a backstage view why they perceive the world the way
11:09
Speaker 3: they do, why they respond in the ways they do.
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Speaker 3: And when we have this backstage view, when we see
11:15
Speaker 3: the suffering our partner goes through just being who they
11:18
Speaker 3: are in the same way we suffer for being who
11:20
Speaker 3: we are, there's this beautiful empathy that blossoms there's this
11:25
Speaker 3: space that grows between us that we can now be
11:29
Speaker 3: in that connection begins and grows.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and let me tell you. I listen, I brought
11:37
Speaker 1: so much baggage into my relationship with and I'll just
11:41
Speaker 1: say my husband. Right, we'll just talk about that right now,
11:43
Speaker 1: because a lot of times our love relationships are i
11:47
Speaker 1: don't know, priority for some reason.
11:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, but of course I used to be.
11:53
Speaker 1: A victim and I had all the pain that I had,
11:55
Speaker 1: and I was always like, you know, he was wronging me,
11:59
Speaker 1: and and he had what he brought into the relationship
12:03
Speaker 1: and how his parents raised him. And I always said
12:07
Speaker 1: like he had his head in the clouds all the
12:08
Speaker 1: time because he thought he came from this perfect background,
12:11
Speaker 1: and hey, good for him. But I also like today
12:17
Speaker 1: just because of how far I've become, you know, I've
12:20
Speaker 1: come in my in my healing and learning about emotional
12:24
Speaker 1: intelligence and these things that you're talking about, and having
12:27
Speaker 1: empathy for others, and just an understanding that he handles
12:33
Speaker 1: the way that things that he does, like in our
12:37
Speaker 1: relationship or in parenting, because that's how he was parented
12:43
Speaker 1: and so these are things he's learned. It doesn't mean
12:48
Speaker 1: that we can't talk about them or now that I
12:51
Speaker 1: you know, I can share, like my perspective, understand his perspective,
12:55
Speaker 1: and we maybe meet in the middle instead of just
12:59
Speaker 1: like you're wrong, right, And it does create this like
13:06
Speaker 1: my relationship with my husband today is completely different. I mean,
13:11
Speaker 1: of course, you know, nothing's perfect, and we have our moments,
13:13
Speaker 1: but at least where we even if we act in
13:18
Speaker 1: a way that is not so nice, we can quickly
13:22
Speaker 1: turn it around and go, wait a minute, you know,
13:25
Speaker 1: like that was not a good way to respond. I reacted,
13:30
Speaker 1: you know. So there is so much power in what
13:34
Speaker 1: you are talking about and creating this change, and let's
13:38
Speaker 1: talk about that, the emotional intelligence element of this. Can
13:43
Speaker 1: you share more about that?
13:45
Speaker 3: Absolutely? Absolutely. I wanted to just to piggyback quickly on
13:50
Speaker 3: the last comment that you made and say that it's
13:54
Speaker 3: often a moment where chains fall off relationships when we
13:59
Speaker 3: come to the realization that our partner's words and actions
14:03
Speaker 3: frequently say more about what's going on with our partner
14:07
Speaker 3: than they do about us, and it depersonalizes and it's
14:12
Speaker 3: not he's not attacking me, he's just responding the way
14:15
Speaker 3: his brain responds. And then there's this this this space
14:19
Speaker 3: that opens up. So I just I think you really
14:22
Speaker 3: touched on it beautifully. To your question emotional intelligence, I
14:27
Speaker 3: like to say, the enneagram is the car that we're
14:29
Speaker 3: going to ride in, but emotional intelligence is the road
14:33
Speaker 3: we're going to drive down. And as I work with
14:38
Speaker 3: my with my clients, I tell them that there's four
14:43
Speaker 3: pillars to emotional intelligence and think of them like staves
14:46
Speaker 3: of a barrel. Whichever of the staves is the shortest
14:49
Speaker 3: is where all the water pours out. So we've got
14:52
Speaker 3: to kind of make sure we build up all of
14:54
Speaker 3: four of these pillars of emotional intelligence. And they are
14:58
Speaker 3: self awareness, which the end reveals our patterns to us
15:03
Speaker 3: so that we don't have to hunt around in the
15:04
Speaker 3: dark and do trial and error to discover them. Self management,
15:10
Speaker 3: and the enneagram again gives us pointers by saying, this
15:13
Speaker 3: is what the path of growth for your type looks like.
15:17
Speaker 3: Partner awareness or other awareness, and that's where that empathy
15:20
Speaker 3: comes in where I can see, wow, my wife, this
15:23
Speaker 3: is how she perceives the world, this is how she
15:25
Speaker 3: reacts to the world. And then the fourth is interaction
15:29
Speaker 3: management or relationship management. We can't manage our partner obviously,
15:34
Speaker 3: but we can be aware in the ways you were
15:36
Speaker 3: just describing with your husband of how we interact, how
15:39
Speaker 3: it affects our partner, how to recover from missteps, of
15:43
Speaker 3: that sort of stuff. So those are the four key
15:45
Speaker 3: pillars that emotional intelligence can equip us, and the aneagram
15:50
Speaker 3: can help us along the way.
15:52
Speaker 2: Yeah. I like that. I like that.
15:53
Speaker 1: That's the car and then the road the journey. I
15:56
Speaker 1: like that. So let's talk about I mean, you're speaking
16:01
Speaker 1: my language right now, and I'm one hundred percent behind,
16:06
Speaker 1: and I don't just believe, I.
16:09
Speaker 2: Know that it that it works. Yeah, yeah, but let's
16:11
Speaker 2: talk Let's talk.
16:12
Speaker 1: About like traditional therapy because most times, right like we go,
16:17
Speaker 1: we have our own therapist, or maybe if we're lucky,
16:21
Speaker 1: our partner will agree to go to therapy with you,
16:24
Speaker 1: you know, and what do what you're feeling on traditional therapy?
16:30
Speaker 3: Well, I certainly think therapy has its place, and I
16:33
Speaker 3: have been in behavioral therapy of various kinds since I
16:36
Speaker 3: was a child. I endorse it fully as part of
16:40
Speaker 3: mental health. But coaching is a different thing than therapy,
16:44
Speaker 3: and I'm not a therapist. I'm a coach, and coaching
16:47
Speaker 3: is really where are we now, where do we want
16:51
Speaker 3: to be? And sometimes therapy is where are we now?
16:55
Speaker 3: How did we get here? And the coaching paradise is
17:00
Speaker 3: less concerned about how we get here. We still have
17:03
Speaker 3: to visit that stuff because it informs what our choices
17:05
Speaker 3: are moving forward, but we don't try to unpack it
17:09
Speaker 3: and solve it. Instead, we begin with a lay of
17:12
Speaker 3: the land and a vision of the future and begin
17:16
Speaker 3: to construct a plan to get us from where we
17:18
Speaker 3: are to where we want to be.
17:21
Speaker 1: Right right, So, I've done therapy a lot for myself,
17:28
Speaker 1: and I think it is important. But I will say,
17:33
Speaker 1: like a coach, the things that you're doing it just
17:37
Speaker 1: it helps to create change in your life in a
17:41
Speaker 1: way that a therapist cannot.
17:44
Speaker 3: And yeah, at times that's true.
17:48
Speaker 1: And again I'm a huge fan of therapy. And you've
17:51
Speaker 1: brought up behavioral therapy. I mean there's all different types
17:53
Speaker 1: of therapy, right of course, And in relationship therapy that
17:59
Speaker 1: I had with my husband and it was good because
18:02
Speaker 1: it allowed him to hear why I am the way
18:06
Speaker 1: that I am. Yes, and with with abuse, you know,
18:11
Speaker 1: like when somebody has abuse in their childhood and abandonment
18:16
Speaker 1: and all of these different things and raised by an
18:19
Speaker 1: alcoholic mother, and yeah, there's there's a lot of pain
18:26
Speaker 1: that is there. And when you come from a much
18:30
Speaker 1: better background, it's it's hard to understand, right, there's so
18:35
Speaker 1: much more than just the surface. Uh, you know how
18:41
Speaker 1: things start, right, so you bring in your best self
18:43
Speaker 1: and then everything starts you start to see, uh you
18:48
Speaker 1: know through that, you know, because life happens and and
18:52
Speaker 1: more responsibilities happen and such. So again hand in hand,
18:58
Speaker 1: I think very very much.
19:01
Speaker 3: I find a lot of couples when they come to me,
19:05
Speaker 3: really are interested in a shift that's measurable, that's sustainable,
19:11
Speaker 3: and often they really want to experience it quickly. And
19:14
Speaker 3: coaching really can leverage those points. And using the enneagram
19:19
Speaker 3: gives us, you know, the heart of the matter in
19:22
Speaker 3: a just a few sessions. So people are feeling the
19:25
Speaker 3: difference in fourteen days twenty one days, sometimes feeling like
19:31
Speaker 3: they have to go months of therapy to really dig
19:33
Speaker 3: in and get behind what's happening.
19:36
Speaker 1: Well, in the way that we are today, we need
19:37
Speaker 1: that quick quick fit.
19:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is, it is. It's the social media revolution,
19:44
Speaker 3: isn't it? Six seconds or less?
19:48
Speaker 1: So let's talk about your program. I mean you've touched
19:51
Speaker 1: on it. Collective connect, let's see connect phalise right, connectfullies,
19:57
Speaker 1: relationship renewal. Yes, yes, tell us tell us a little bit,
20:02
Speaker 1: like what's the process and what all do you share
20:05
Speaker 1: within your program.
20:08
Speaker 3: That's a great question, thank you. It's a sixteen week program,
20:12
Speaker 3: sort of a boot camp. A lot of the folks
20:14
Speaker 3: I work with continue with me after that sixteen weeks,
20:17
Speaker 3: but the nature changes, and in that sixteen weeks we
20:21
Speaker 3: do learning about what the enneagram is and how it
20:24
Speaker 3: understands people, which gives us some common language and sort
20:28
Speaker 3: of neutral ground to talk about one another. In the enneagram,
20:32
Speaker 3: there are nine personality types and we simply use numbers.
20:35
Speaker 3: So instead of saying about my wife, I don't like
20:38
Speaker 3: when you x y Z, I can say, you know,
20:41
Speaker 3: it's a tendency of type two. That's my wife's type.
20:44
Speaker 3: It's a tendency of type two to do these things
20:46
Speaker 3: which I don't know how to handle, and now I'm
20:48
Speaker 3: not attacking her. Yes, it creates that neutral ground, so
20:52
Speaker 3: we learn about that. Oh yeah, and then we do
20:56
Speaker 3: a deep dive. You So I meet with the couple together,
21:00
Speaker 3: but I also meet one on one with each partner
21:02
Speaker 3: and we do a deep dive into your type and
21:04
Speaker 3: your partner and I do a deep dive into their type.
21:06
Speaker 3: And then we come back together and we talk about
21:08
Speaker 3: who we are and why and share with our partner
21:10
Speaker 3: and learn and insight. Then we split up again and
21:13
Speaker 3: I do a deep dive with you about your partner,
21:16
Speaker 3: with your partner about you, so that we can really
21:20
Speaker 3: understand that behind the stage or behind the curtain view
21:24
Speaker 3: and learn tips and tricks. How do I speak to
21:26
Speaker 3: a type two so that they hear me when I'm
21:28
Speaker 3: listening to a type two? What should I be listening for.
21:32
Speaker 3: Then that brings us to about the halfway point in
21:34
Speaker 3: the program, And now we've got the structure in place,
21:37
Speaker 3: the language in place. We've been doing exercises to build
21:40
Speaker 3: trust and safety, emotional safety with one another. Now we
21:45
Speaker 3: begin to address the issues that really brought you to
21:49
Speaker 3: me to begin with, and in a bespoke fashion. Knowing
21:52
Speaker 3: what your type is, knowing what your partner's type is,
21:54
Speaker 3: knowing what those interactions look like, and now we can
21:57
Speaker 3: begin to sort of shift the the weight around, have
22:01
Speaker 3: important conversations, and that's where the real blossoming the transformation
22:06
Speaker 3: can take place. Is everything solved at the end of
22:09
Speaker 3: sixteen weeks by no stretch. But are you now equipped
22:13
Speaker 3: with confidence, with tools, with a little bit of experience
22:18
Speaker 3: under your belt to handle the conversations that are to come. Yeah?
22:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. So let's what about somebody that's just they're exhausted,
22:29
Speaker 1: they think that they're at the end of their relationship,
22:34
Speaker 1: that they don't see a way out. Is there a
22:36
Speaker 1: way out? Is there a way to change that?
22:40
Speaker 3: I would love to say always, forever, of course there is.
22:44
Speaker 3: But I have also been a partner to conscious uncouplings,
22:47
Speaker 3: which is sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone involved. But
22:53
Speaker 3: I would like to say that hope is probably the
22:57
Speaker 3: most powerful human motivator. Fear there is a strong one,
23:01
Speaker 3: and a lot of us get trapped in cycles of
23:03
Speaker 3: fear or respond out of fear. But hope is stronger
23:07
Speaker 3: even still than fear, and even for those who are exhausted,
23:11
Speaker 3: who don't see a way out, I like to lift
23:13
Speaker 3: up that we can only think of the options that
23:17
Speaker 3: we can think of. One of the reasons we go
23:20
Speaker 3: to a coach or a guide is because they have
23:23
Speaker 3: a different perspective. They can bring a different language or
23:26
Speaker 3: a different set of tools, and those can often make
23:29
Speaker 3: the difference because they're new, because they're alternative, they come
23:34
Speaker 3: at things in a different way. So I like to
23:37
Speaker 3: lift up that if you haven't done this particular way
23:41
Speaker 3: of seeing yourself and your partner, that is the enneagram,
23:44
Speaker 3: if you haven't done work in emotional intelligence, then all
23:47
Speaker 3: hope is not lost. There is plenty of things that
23:50
Speaker 3: we can still be doing to save You know what
23:54
Speaker 3: is meaningful, and you know deep and exactly.
23:58
Speaker 1: And I'm going to go back to before I started
24:02
Speaker 1: my work on myself, right, because the only thing we
24:04
Speaker 1: can change is ourselves.
24:06
Speaker 3: That's right.
24:07
Speaker 1: Is I did not think I wanted to be married
24:10
Speaker 1: to my husband anymore, and we now are at the
24:14
Speaker 1: most beautiful place and I'm in the best relationship, and
24:17
Speaker 1: I never thought that that would be possible. So I'm
24:20
Speaker 1: telling you.
24:21
Speaker 2: That it is. But there is work involved.
24:25
Speaker 1: You've got to get educated, you've got to create change
24:28
Speaker 1: within yourself, and you've got to change how you respond
24:32
Speaker 1: and understand your partner.
24:34
Speaker 3: So and I like to say that we all human
24:38
Speaker 3: beings grow we as we live. That's just how we
24:41
Speaker 3: are in the world. So the choice as a relationship
24:44
Speaker 3: is are we going to grow together or are we
24:46
Speaker 3: going to grow apart?
24:48
Speaker 2: And that's okay to grow Yeah, sometimes it doesn't.
24:52
Speaker 3: But with intentionality, with awareness and intentionality, we can grow
24:56
Speaker 3: together and have that beautiful vision you've just painted that choice.
25:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, So can you give us like two tools that
25:04
Speaker 1: maybe couples somebody's out there listening right now, that could
25:08
Speaker 1: help maybe to interrupt some of their unhelpful patterns with
25:13
Speaker 1: their partners.
25:14
Speaker 3: Sure. The first tool I give to everybody in my
25:18
Speaker 3: first session when we get together. It's a very simple tool.
25:21
Speaker 3: It's just a horizontal line. Just think of a horizontal
25:25
Speaker 3: line in your mind. At any point in time, every
25:28
Speaker 3: human being is either above the line or below the line.
25:31
Speaker 3: When we're above the line, we're curious, we're open, we're
25:34
Speaker 3: willing to question our beliefs, we're playful. When we're below
25:38
Speaker 3: the line, we're committed to being right. We are defensive,
25:41
Speaker 3: we're closed off. It is the default nature of the
25:44
Speaker 3: human brain to be below the line. It has evolved
25:46
Speaker 3: as a threat detection system, So being on alert is
25:50
Speaker 3: the way the brain is. But it's tough to be
25:52
Speaker 3: in dialogue. It's tough to have meaningful connection. It's tough
25:55
Speaker 3: to make positive change when we're below the line. So
25:58
Speaker 3: a simple tool I teach out of the gate is
26:01
Speaker 3: just to ask your partner and to ask yourself, am
26:04
Speaker 3: I above the line or am I below the line?
26:06
Speaker 3: You're not a good person or a bad person for
26:07
Speaker 3: being in one place or the other. It's not right
26:09
Speaker 3: or wrong. But what it does do is it informs
26:12
Speaker 3: whether or not this is the right time to have
26:14
Speaker 3: a conversation, or this is the right time to reach
26:16
Speaker 3: out and make a connection or not. And it spares
26:19
Speaker 3: a lot of pain and heartache, a lot of that
26:20
Speaker 3: personal insult from your partner snapping at you or whatever.
26:24
Speaker 3: Just do a quick check in with yourself and with
26:26
Speaker 3: your partner. So that's that's the first tool I would recommend.
26:30
Speaker 1: And yeah, so I asked for two, Can we have
26:33
Speaker 1: another one?
26:33
Speaker 3: No, I know you did the other one. I'm just
26:36
Speaker 3: going to sort of touch on briefly. It's a little
26:38
Speaker 3: bit more complicated, but I think people who can appreciate
26:40
Speaker 3: where it's coming from. It's about slowing down the process
26:43
Speaker 3: of conversation. And I call it the three time rule.
26:46
Speaker 3: And what we do is that in the first time
26:49
Speaker 3: I come to you and I say, Marci, I've been
26:52
Speaker 3: thinking about this. Are you in a place that you
26:54
Speaker 3: can hear my thoughts and your job is just to
26:57
Speaker 3: hold the space open and ask curious or clarifying questions
27:00
Speaker 3: and let me share where I'm at. Then we allow
27:04
Speaker 3: at least twenty four hours to pass before we have
27:06
Speaker 3: the second time, and the second time the roles are reversed.
27:09
Speaker 3: You're going to come to me and say, Todd, I
27:10
Speaker 3: thought about what you said, and here's where I'm at.
27:13
Speaker 3: I'm going to hold the space open with only curious
27:15
Speaker 3: or clarifying questions and allow you to really share. Then
27:19
Speaker 3: twenty four more hours past we come to the third time,
27:22
Speaker 3: and now we've both had a chance to be heard
27:24
Speaker 3: in full, We've both had a chance to reflect them
27:27
Speaker 3: what the other said. Now we can really enter into
27:30
Speaker 3: meaningful conversation that isn't reactive. And I find that just
27:34
Speaker 3: slowing the process down intentionally in those ways, being sure
27:37
Speaker 3: that everybody gets hurt, can really make that third conversation
27:41
Speaker 3: quite productive.
27:43
Speaker 1: Well, that sounds amazing. You have to make a lot
27:47
Speaker 1: of changes, right To do something like that and hold.
27:52
Speaker 3: That space open requires some skills and some practice.
27:55
Speaker 1: Yes, exactly, you got to take a little work on that.
27:58
Speaker 1: So let's just say somebody's not at that place yet.
28:04
Speaker 1: What are just some easy little things like they could
28:07
Speaker 1: do to respond instead of react? Right, Like you get
28:12
Speaker 1: the email that ticks you off. You know somebody has
28:16
Speaker 1: said something that you've taken in a certain way, even
28:20
Speaker 1: if they maybe didn't intend it that way.
28:23
Speaker 2: Or your kid pisses you off, Like, what.
28:27
Speaker 3: Can you do? So a tiny little three steps that
28:36
Speaker 3: I invite folks into I call it rd R, which
28:39
Speaker 3: is recognized disengage redirect. The first thing that I invite
28:44
Speaker 3: everybody to do is to become more in tune with
28:47
Speaker 3: our bodies. Our hearts are always looking to the past
28:50
Speaker 3: and how things were and how they might have been.
28:52
Speaker 3: Our brains are always looking at the future but the
28:55
Speaker 3: threat and concern and worry. But our physical body is
28:58
Speaker 3: always in the present. I like to say, you don't
29:01
Speaker 3: have to pee next week, you weren't hungry yesterday. So
29:04
Speaker 3: we learn all of this great information about what's going
29:08
Speaker 3: on with us from our bodies. So we have to
29:10
Speaker 3: first learn what does being ticked off do to me?
29:13
Speaker 3: Do I clench my job, I do I palms get sweaty?
29:16
Speaker 3: Do our voice get loud? So that we can recognize
29:18
Speaker 3: when we're triggered, then we want to disengage, take a walk,
29:22
Speaker 3: do a breathing meditation, write a note, somehow get yourself
29:27
Speaker 3: out of that situation, because rarely is it as urgent
29:30
Speaker 3: as it seems. It doesn't have to be resolved in
29:32
Speaker 3: this minute. We can just break and allow our system
29:35
Speaker 3: to reset, the nervous system. You know that those chemicals
29:39
Speaker 3: that go through our mind because we get worked up,
29:42
Speaker 3: they have a half life, and if we can just
29:44
Speaker 3: breathe through it, we will return to a better state.
29:47
Speaker 3: And then redirect, which is pick a different way to
29:50
Speaker 3: approach the issue that you're struggling with now that you're
29:53
Speaker 3: in a new space, a.
29:55
Speaker 1: Different way to react and approach it. But another one
30:00
Speaker 1: that was a big one for me to learn was
30:03
Speaker 1: when you approach a conversation.
30:06
Speaker 3: Yes, that's the above line below the line that's everything?
30:09
Speaker 3: When when is everything?
30:12
Speaker 2: Yeah?
30:12
Speaker 1: Because it's like if somebody is not in a good headspace,
30:16
Speaker 1: so they're busy or frantic, like and then you're you're
30:19
Speaker 1: trying to like load them up with something that you
30:22
Speaker 1: want to talk about, it's not going to go well.
30:25
Speaker 3: I know, I'm saying to my teenage children all the time.
30:28
Speaker 3: Timing Timing bad? Can I have timing? You're asking it
30:31
Speaker 3: the wrong time?
30:33
Speaker 2: Right?
30:34
Speaker 3: Right?
30:35
Speaker 1: And but I think that that's just you know, somebody
30:38
Speaker 1: has this guttural feeling all of a sudden and then
30:41
Speaker 1: they're just like right at it and and yeah.
30:45
Speaker 3: You know a lot of the work that I do
30:47
Speaker 3: with folks is around emotional resilience, which is the capacity
30:52
Speaker 3: to sit with your negative feelings and not be controlled
30:55
Speaker 3: or driven by them. And that's a big part of
31:00
Speaker 3: the relationship getting better is not you know, being triggered
31:04
Speaker 3: so so quickly and knowing when I'm triggered, Okay, this
31:09
Speaker 3: is how I change that rather than those patterns that
31:15
Speaker 3: happen when I respond reactively and then you respond reactively.
31:18
Speaker 3: And that's that's what we're trying to interrupt.
31:21
Speaker 1: So we've talked about I feel like we've talked a
31:23
Speaker 1: lot about relationships, right and changing that. But you know,
31:27
Speaker 1: one of the things that I did bring up, it's
31:30
Speaker 1: about changing yourself. How can we even become somewhat self
31:35
Speaker 1: aware that, like I have someone in my life, they
31:40
Speaker 1: can't keep a job, they can't stay in a relationship,
31:42
Speaker 1: and it's everyone else's fault. When do you become aware, like,
31:49
Speaker 1: what's the one thing not changing?
31:50
Speaker 2: Right?
31:52
Speaker 3: Is the common denominator?
31:54
Speaker 2: Yeah?
31:54
Speaker 1: The common denominator? Right, the common denominator? And and so
31:59
Speaker 1: like like even with me and trying to change my life,
32:03
Speaker 1: I kept changing and moving and doing all these different things,
32:06
Speaker 1: and things would fall apart, and then finally I would
32:09
Speaker 1: be like, what's the one thing I'm always taking with me?
32:12
Speaker 1: It's never changing me, you know, so that's why it's changing. Yeah, yeah,
32:17
Speaker 1: So how can we start to become self aware? Like
32:22
Speaker 1: is there a way for us to start, you know,
32:25
Speaker 1: like having some sort of questions.
32:28
Speaker 2: We ask ourselves for thought process or.
32:31
Speaker 1: Mean, I know not everybody's going to do it, but
32:33
Speaker 1: is there a way?
32:34
Speaker 3: Well? Yeah, And I'll begin by saying I'm a firm
32:36
Speaker 3: believer when the teacher, When the student is ready, the
32:38
Speaker 3: teacher appears. So, you know, curiosity about maybe this podcast,
32:45
Speaker 3: this conversation, that might be the sign that you're like, okay,
32:48
Speaker 3: maybe I'm ready to learn some more. So just be
32:51
Speaker 3: open to little curiosities. But to answer your question about
32:55
Speaker 3: how that's really where the enneagram comes in, I just
33:00
Speaker 3: encourage people from taking tests, because when we take an
33:03
Speaker 3: anagram test, then it becomes about how accurate the report
33:07
Speaker 3: is or how accurate the profile is. When we learn
33:10
Speaker 3: about the system, then what we do is we find
33:13
Speaker 3: ourselves in it, and it almost becomes an act of confession.
33:17
Speaker 3: I am a Type five. That means these wonderful things,
33:21
Speaker 3: but it also means this shadow side, I own it.
33:24
Speaker 3: One of the ways that I discovered that I am
33:26
Speaker 3: a Type five is that as I was reading one
33:28
Speaker 3: of the Enneagram books, there was a line in print
33:30
Speaker 3: that I swear. As I read it, I thought to myself,
33:33
Speaker 3: I have never told anybody this, and there it is
33:36
Speaker 3: in print. So clearly this thing knows how I function,
33:41
Speaker 3: how my brain works. And it was get feels just
33:44
Speaker 3: talking about it. But those are the moments that bring
33:47
Speaker 3: self awareness about. But it starts with a curiosity and
33:49
Speaker 3: the desire, and then this system will give you tools
33:53
Speaker 3: and finger holds and footholds to you know, crack that
33:57
Speaker 3: that shell and emerge with the new self awareness.
34:02
Speaker 1: So when you started doing this work and seeing these changes,
34:06
Speaker 1: and you're a type five, which I guess if you
34:09
Speaker 1: do this work, you'll figure out what that is. How
34:11
Speaker 1: many times are there nine?
34:13
Speaker 3: You said nine?
34:14
Speaker 1: Nine?
34:14
Speaker 3: That any means nine in Greek.
34:19
Speaker 2: Oh I got you, I got you?
34:20
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you?
34:23
Speaker 2: Yeah.
34:23
Speaker 1: But like when you when you start figuring out about
34:28
Speaker 1: yourself and then you start figuring out about your partner,
34:35
Speaker 1: Like what.
34:38
Speaker 3: Let me tell you.
34:39
Speaker 1: Can you discover through that if you if you are
34:42
Speaker 1: even adaptable or is like, are there more adaptable people
34:47
Speaker 1: for each other that you could learn that through the enneagram?
34:50
Speaker 1: Or is it just how Yeah?
34:53
Speaker 3: Yeah, everybody has a difficult road to hope. One of
34:56
Speaker 3: the interesting things about the enneagram is that it paints
34:58
Speaker 3: a picture of of maturity. We know what an unhealthy
35:02
Speaker 3: immature type five looks like. We know what an average
35:05
Speaker 3: type five looks like. We know what a self actualized
35:07
Speaker 3: type five looks like. And that's part of how it
35:09
Speaker 3: helps you grow, is it shows you the arc, what's next,
35:12
Speaker 3: where to go, how to get there. But I'll share
35:15
Speaker 3: a quick story. So as a type five, I'm a
35:18
Speaker 3: head center type I take the world in as data.
35:20
Speaker 3: Everything must be tested and proved. My wife is a
35:23
Speaker 3: heart center type type two. Everything is about relationship. Everything
35:26
Speaker 3: is about connection. And as we're raising our children when
35:29
Speaker 3: they were very little, and she has a degree in
35:31
Speaker 3: human development. By the way she says this is the
35:33
Speaker 3: better way to parent. This is the better way for
35:35
Speaker 3: us to handle this particular situation. And I said, no, no, no,
35:39
Speaker 3: I know better. But why why didn't I listen to
35:42
Speaker 3: I don't know, But because of the enneagram? She said, Ah,
35:46
Speaker 3: my husband takes things in through data. So she found
35:49
Speaker 3: an article in psychology today and she sent it to me.
35:51
Speaker 3: And when I saw the data, when I read it
35:54
Speaker 3: and processed it that way, I was like, oh, thank
35:56
Speaker 3: you for sending me that. And now I'm totally on
35:58
Speaker 3: board with the things that she wants to do. So
36:00
Speaker 3: she just had to talk to me in a different
36:02
Speaker 3: way rather than saying, hey, trust me, because I don't
36:06
Speaker 3: do things in that way. I do things with that
36:08
Speaker 3: she does things in relationships. So learning each other's vocab,
36:13
Speaker 3: learning each other's points of of you know, importance or
36:18
Speaker 3: priority is really a key to using the enneagram and relationships.
36:25
Speaker 1: So what if you have a lot of trauma from your.
36:28
Speaker 3: Past and everything difficult, doesn't it?
36:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's not just about discovering like this is
36:36
Speaker 1: how I process information. I mean, you do, but like
36:39
Speaker 1: in a yeah, in a very well I I believe
36:44
Speaker 1: in a in a even a more warp warped way,
36:47
Speaker 1: because like your brain is has changed, and so how
36:54
Speaker 1: do we change our brains? Because you know, I had
36:56
Speaker 1: to rewire my brain and there were many things that
36:59
Speaker 1: I had to do.
37:00
Speaker 3: It's one of the beautiful things about the human brain
37:02
Speaker 3: that we are now discovering that the neuroplasticity lasts all
37:06
Speaker 3: the way to the end, and it seems like perhaps
37:09
Speaker 3: even beyond the end somehow. So there is never a
37:13
Speaker 3: point where we can say, well, I'm too old, my
37:16
Speaker 3: brain won't do new things. But as I understand it,
37:19
Speaker 3: neuropathways are like ski runs. The more we go down them,
37:23
Speaker 3: the more compacted the snow gets, the faster the terms become.
37:27
Speaker 3: And doing things in new ways is like cutting through
37:31
Speaker 3: fresh snow. It's hard to do, it's physically exhausting. And
37:36
Speaker 3: that's the case that when we want change, the probably
37:41
Speaker 3: the most important ingredient is being gracious with ourselves, is
37:45
Speaker 3: being patient and forgiving and recognizing this is not a
37:49
Speaker 3: linear journey from A to B, two, C, T D.
37:52
Speaker 3: This is a journey of fits and starts. This is
37:54
Speaker 3: a journey of successes and setbacks. And when we are
37:57
Speaker 3: patient and gracious with ourselves, then we have the fertile
38:01
Speaker 3: ground to do the work that that lay ahead and
38:05
Speaker 3: it and it takes years. Took me years. I'm sure
38:07
Speaker 3: it took your you years too. But that doesn't mean
38:10
Speaker 3: there aren't things we can get going, get going on
38:12
Speaker 3: right away to begin to feel some relief.
38:19
Speaker 1: Do you think that within a job? I was just
38:21
Speaker 1: thinking about. You know, someone in a job and they're
38:24
Speaker 1: really unhappy in their job and they say they can't
38:27
Speaker 1: get along with their boss right and again, you know
38:33
Speaker 1: this is I think about it today, like as someone
38:37
Speaker 1: in a role that is over let's say a department.
38:42
Speaker 1: You know, they're answering to the higher ups and they
38:45
Speaker 1: have a lot of stress to perform, and someone under
38:49
Speaker 1: them may not understand what what their perspective or why
38:54
Speaker 1: they are digually the way that they are. Not saying
38:56
Speaker 1: that they shouldn't manage better, because that's also a skill
39:01
Speaker 1: learning how to mean. Yeah, And there's a lot of
39:05
Speaker 1: people out there managing people that are not good. I
39:08
Speaker 1: at one time was one of those people because I
39:10
Speaker 1: was I was thrown into a job that I had
39:14
Speaker 1: no idea what I was doing and I had to
39:17
Speaker 1: learn everything, and I was an utter nightmare to other people.
39:21
Speaker 1: So I own it. I own it. But so you
39:26
Speaker 1: think you think that you you're so unhappy in your job,
39:30
Speaker 1: right and I hate my boss, and this is that, Like,
39:34
Speaker 1: what can we do because you're not you're not going
39:37
Speaker 1: to therapy with your boss. What can you do to
39:40
Speaker 1: try to shift things to try to help it to
39:43
Speaker 1: be better for you in a way, like to rethink it,
39:48
Speaker 1: not take it personally, and and and maybe if you
39:52
Speaker 1: can make some shifts for yourself, maybe the job wouldn't
39:56
Speaker 1: be as bad as you think it is.
40:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, there's a longitudinal study that Harvard has done.
40:02
Speaker 3: I think it goes back maybe seventy years now about
40:05
Speaker 3: what is the what makes people happy? And what they've
40:07
Speaker 3: discovered is the quality of our relationships is the number
40:11
Speaker 3: one indicator of our happiness. So you really put your
40:13
Speaker 3: finger right on it. I think there's a couple of
40:16
Speaker 3: things I would lift up first and foremost is we tend,
40:19
Speaker 3: I think, in our modern culture to put a lot
40:21
Speaker 3: of eggs in one basket. And there's a good science
40:25
Speaker 3: that shows the more areas that we have social connections
40:31
Speaker 3: than when they go south in one of those areas,
40:34
Speaker 3: we are more resilient. So having a club or a
40:38
Speaker 3: hobby that you know you meet with people, or a
40:40
Speaker 3: trivia team or a train building club, whatever, I don't know,
40:43
Speaker 3: having your family, being in a church community or in
40:48
Speaker 3: a choir or in some sort. And then there's work.
40:52
Speaker 3: When all we do is work. When I see my
40:54
Speaker 3: wife for a couple of hour minutes in a day
40:56
Speaker 3: and I'm with my boss for ten hours, five days
40:58
Speaker 3: a week, then it like it's my everything, and it
41:01
Speaker 3: can really dampen my whole life. So diversify, almost like
41:05
Speaker 3: a financial advice. Diversify is one of the ways that
41:09
Speaker 3: we can find some of that joy and happiness. The
41:12
Speaker 3: other is that when we do understand, like maybe what
41:16
Speaker 3: our boss's Aneagram type might be, it really can reveal
41:20
Speaker 3: why they do things the way they do. And again
41:22
Speaker 3: it depersonalizes it and it can give you some tools.
41:26
Speaker 3: Like you know, if your boss happens to be an eight,
41:29
Speaker 3: the eights value strength, so when you talk to him,
41:32
Speaker 3: talk to him strong instead of being polite and kind.
41:35
Speaker 3: Or maybe he's a four, any values creativity. All right, well,
41:38
Speaker 3: let's come to him with unique things. Like we can
41:41
Speaker 3: sort of meet people where they're at by recognizing what
41:43
Speaker 3: they value, what moves them what motivates them.
41:49
Speaker 1: So if you can't do that, though, is there something
41:51
Speaker 1: like can you do take the enneagram yourself and then
41:55
Speaker 1: like try to make changes for yourself so you can
41:58
Speaker 1: help yourself nesturely, it's sort of.
42:01
Speaker 3: It has large categories and they get ever more refined.
42:05
Speaker 3: So even if we don't know what our boss or
42:08
Speaker 3: our partner or our neighbor's type is, we can begin
42:11
Speaker 3: with large scale questions like heart center, head center, body center,
42:15
Speaker 3: and we try different tactics and see and then and
42:18
Speaker 3: then narrow and then see and then narrow. So for me,
42:22
Speaker 3: at least, this is how I do it. But again,
42:24
Speaker 3: I've been studying the system for a while. But when
42:26
Speaker 3: you have the system in hand, you you can begin
42:28
Speaker 3: to spot it. You recognize people will behave in these ways.
42:33
Speaker 3: There's there's only really truly, it's archetypal, you know what
42:37
Speaker 3: I mean. So you're looking for archetypes, and when you
42:41
Speaker 3: have an understanding of them, you can begin to spot them.
42:45
Speaker 3: You know, Yeah, I spot people pretty quickly.
42:47
Speaker 1: So oh okay, So if you if you kind of
42:51
Speaker 1: understand the whole program or that that formula in the
42:55
Speaker 1: different types of the system, you can actually manage how
43:00
Speaker 1: you'll identify, like maybe who somebody is like they're not,
43:04
Speaker 1: so this is how maybe I should manage that personally.
43:08
Speaker 3: I like to think about it like musical scales. If
43:11
Speaker 3: I don't know if you know much about music, but
43:13
Speaker 3: there's A and A sharp and B C and C sharp.
43:18
Speaker 3: So if you think about the personality types, like each
43:20
Speaker 3: of us being a different key, then what I do
43:23
Speaker 3: is I play in your key. So I might talk
43:26
Speaker 3: to my child who's a six in one way, and
43:29
Speaker 3: then my wife, who's a two in another way. You
43:32
Speaker 3: get same message, same content, but played in a different
43:35
Speaker 3: key so that they heard me. And that's what you
43:38
Speaker 3: begin to recognize is the key that the other person
43:41
Speaker 3: is playing in. And I can talk to you for
43:43
Speaker 3: an hour and at the end of that, I'm like, oh,
43:45
Speaker 3: I know you're playing in the key of three, like
43:46
Speaker 3: that's who you are, and that's fine, that's great. I
43:51
Speaker 3: don't know, I don't know.
43:55
Speaker 1: Well, I like what you're saying, and I really want
43:58
Speaker 1: people to hear this outside to everyone listening, is that
44:02
Speaker 1: remember when parenting our children, you can't parent them the same.
44:09
Speaker 1: They're not no.
44:12
Speaker 3: No, and they don't necessarily grasp that.
44:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's hard and it's just And I also
44:20
Speaker 1: like and this is for me and I God, hopefully
44:24
Speaker 1: no one hates me. But I can't stand it when
44:26
Speaker 1: somebody says, well I had to do it this way
44:30
Speaker 1: when I was ten, like we are like in a
44:32
Speaker 1: different iteration. Everything's changed. We have to evolve, and you
44:37
Speaker 1: know it's it's varies six years between my oldest and
44:40
Speaker 1: my youngest.
44:41
Speaker 3: I've had to evolve as a parent as the world
44:43
Speaker 3: has changed. And they'll say, why did my sister get
44:46
Speaker 3: something I didn't get? And said, well, you and your
44:47
Speaker 3: sister are different people. You're going to be parented differently.
44:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, and and and I like what you said. Also,
44:53
Speaker 1: like finding things that you enjoy that's so important. Don't
44:58
Speaker 1: live for somebody else else. And because I did that myself,
45:02
Speaker 1: I got lost in everybody else. And because I didn't
45:05
Speaker 1: know who I was. I mean, that was part of
45:08
Speaker 1: my trauma. And I had lost myself. And you know,
45:11
Speaker 1: I was always trying to find happiness and validation through
45:14
Speaker 1: other people. And it's really when I found the love
45:18
Speaker 1: and connection with myself, my inner self, like going within
45:21
Speaker 1: instead of outside of myself. That's so much changed. But
45:25
Speaker 1: I'm just fascinated because it's just, you know, there's I
45:29
Speaker 1: just feel.
45:30
Speaker 4: Like it's hard to have good relationships. It's hard to communicate,
45:37
Speaker 4: it's hard to understand other people, and just even in
45:41
Speaker 4: society and politically, everything's so divided instead of like just understanding,
45:46
Speaker 4: we can have different ideology and you know, just different
45:52
Speaker 4: ways of thinking. So it's it's just so important to
45:55
Speaker 4: have these conversations. So, you know, hopefully, like you said,
45:59
Speaker 4: whenever that student is ready to be taught, the teacher
46:03
Speaker 4: is there, right, And you can't make anyone listener be ready.
46:07
Speaker 1: They have to be ready for themselves, you know.
46:10
Speaker 3: So, But it only takes just a desire, that's it.
46:14
Speaker 3: Any skill, doesn't take any experience, doesn't take any readiness,
46:18
Speaker 3: just desire.
46:19
Speaker 2: All right.
46:20
Speaker 1: So for those that are ready to dive in right now,
46:24
Speaker 1: So where can they find you and learn more?
46:27
Speaker 3: So, as you've mentioned, my company I found it is
46:31
Speaker 3: called connect fully, and we live in a world where
46:34
Speaker 3: you can spell things however you like. So it's spelled
46:36
Speaker 3: with the ko at k O n n e z
46:40
Speaker 3: t f u l l Y. You can reach me
46:42
Speaker 3: connectfully dot com. You just shoot me an email Todd
46:45
Speaker 3: at connectually dot com. I'm on Facebook, I'm on Instagram.
46:48
Speaker 3: You'll find me all over. But I like to hear
46:50
Speaker 3: from people I'm learning. I certainly don't have a corner
46:54
Speaker 3: on knowledge, and I find every couple brings unique stories
46:57
Speaker 3: of success and challenge and how they've overcome it. So
47:00
Speaker 3: I would love to hear where people are at, what
47:02
Speaker 3: where their wins are, where their struggles are, So you
47:05
Speaker 3: reach out to me connectfully.
47:08
Speaker 1: Dot com Connectfully.
47:10
Speaker 2: I made that a little difficult for myself earlier.
47:14
Speaker 1: But thank you all so much for joining us today,
47:18
Speaker 1: and thank you Todd for joining Wake Up with Marcy.
47:22
Speaker 1: And this episode has brought you clarity, hope, or a
47:25
Speaker 1: new perspective. It would means so much of you could
47:28
Speaker 1: share it to somebody that needs it, a friend, a partner,
47:31
Speaker 1: a family member, anyone that needs this message, because here's
47:36
Speaker 1: the truth. Working on relationships doesn't mean that it's broken.
47:42
Speaker 1: It means that you love yourself that relationship, that person
47:47
Speaker 1: enough to grow, and often that growth begins with yourself.
47:52
Speaker 1: So thank you again Todd for coming on the show,
47:55
Speaker 1: thank you for having me, and thank you all for listening,
47:59
Speaker 1: why sharing this episode and helping to spread the message
48:04
Speaker 1: to others. That may need it. You never know whose
48:07
Speaker 1: life you're going to change just by pressing that share button,
48:11
Speaker 1: so thank you again for joining me today. It is
48:15
Speaker 1: time to wake up to your worth because your past
48:18
Speaker 1: doesn't define you. You are not alone, and it's never
48:22
Speaker 1: too late to become who you are meant to be.
48:25
Speaker 1: So I'll see you next time on Wake Up with
48:27
Speaker 1: Marcy