Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / I Have Everything... So Why Am I Still Single? | Preacher Lawson | 🚨New Podcast Titled/ Meditation podcast | Relax Zone

Transcript

I Have Everything... So Why Am I Still Single? | Preacher Lawson | 🚨New Podcast Titled/ Meditation podcast | Relax Zone · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to share my new podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Meditation Podcast Relax Zone.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can find Meditation Podcast Relax Zone by clicking the link in this episode's description.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or simply search Meditation Podcast Relax Zone on your favorite listening platform.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking for a peaceful space to relax, recharge, and improve your well-being, this podcast is designed for you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode is created to help with stress relief, anxiety reduction, better sleep, a positive mindset, mindfulness, self-care, morning motivation, deep relaxation, and emotional healing.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear your thoughts about the podcast.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: After listening, please take a moment to leave a comment and share your review on any of the episodes.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your feedback helps the podcast grow and allows me to create even better content for you.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, you can find Meditation Podcast RelaxZone by clicking the link in this episode's description.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or simply search Meditation Podcast RelaxZone on your favorite listening platform.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoy the new podcast, please follow the show, rate it, and leave a review.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Every follow, rating, comment, and share makes a huge difference and helps more people discover the benefits of meditation and relaxation.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your support.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I truly appreciate every listener, and I'm grateful to have you as part of the Relax Zone community.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I grew it out during quarantine.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: When it was illegal to touch people, that was a threat touching somebody.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: What you say?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'll hug your whole family, could.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: It was a threat.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: People were dying from drive-by high fives.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Look at us now.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: We feel great.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I got my booster shot last year.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to, but they were like, we're not gonna pay you.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, where are you trying to put a though?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: They gave it to too many white people.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotta be safe.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so I did it.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel good.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Not good, like, ooh, my powers are kicking there.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: I just think I'm not gonna die, but I'm I'm pretty healthy.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't gonna die before.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I know I say that, and some people get mad at me.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you shouldn't say that.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I know people as healthy as you, and they still died.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know how I know they weren't as healthy as me?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: They died.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I've never died in my life, undefeated.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: How you gonna tell me?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even think I can that I'm a vegan, you know what I mean?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Name one vegan that's died.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't, because we don't.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: We just turn the trees, you know.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um Groot, you know, he's just a vegan.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, yeah, man, I grew with that.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like my hair, man.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I like it.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Some people don't like it and they tell me, which I think is weird.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like people feel mad, comfortable comfortable telling me that they don't like my hair.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like they'll be like, oh, I liked your hair when it was shorter.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, all right, well, it's it's not.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know why you're telling me this, man.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Some people don't recognize me with my hair, they'll see me and they'll be like, is that preacher?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: But they don't know for sure, and they don't want to walk over and be like, hey, you preacher, and I'm like, another black dude.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, oh my god, I'm not.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: So some people just they go up and whisper my name, which is the creepiest thing.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you whispering my name?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be chilling in Walgreens, minding my own business out of nowhere, preacher.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, which one of y'all said there?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Who said my name?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Don't whisper my name, that's weird.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's weird to whisper in general.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Unless you're trying to be sexy, you telling a secret or being racist, you should not be whispering.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's weird.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, homeless people know to project.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, man.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Let me get a dollar.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to borrow a dollar.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: You never see a homeless person just walk up to you.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Let me get a dollar.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I wanna borrow dollars off that one.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Mama say, Mama's, I'm my side.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Here's a dollar, sir.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why you did Michael Jackson lyrics.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know what Michael Jackson's saying in that song?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's saying, I'ma say it one more time, I'm not gonna stop.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma say it one more time, I'm not gonna stop.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's what he's saying.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Someone ruined it for me, I'm ruining it for everybody.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was mad too.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: But all of y'all for years, mama said, Mama saw.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Those aren't words, bruh.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: No one said that in life.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Keep on playing on a mock you, sir.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a thing.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: People just believe anything they hear, man.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Someone told me it was African.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, all right, mama said, Mama saw.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I just went along with it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, look at me, I'm bilingual.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Mama said, Mama, I just went along with it.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: People believe anything they hear, and I know that for a fact because some of y'all believe me just now.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I lied.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I made that up, man.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: I lied.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all can't lied.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I lied.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I lied all the time.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even black.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Check it out.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Jeremy.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm black.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm black.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be funny though, if I did that.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've been black the whole time.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I did do I like I did like a 23 of me and said I was 13% Irish.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Where'd that come from?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Are you serious?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's weird.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I do lie.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I do, but I don't, I'm not a liar, okay?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I do regular lies.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'll say stuff like on my way.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or if I'm uh I'm on a plane in emergency X row and the flight attendant's like, hey, are you willing and able to sacrifice your life for a bunch of strangers?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, I'm lying.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm lying.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to do this.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not about to sacrifice nothing.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I want leg room.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not about to sit all the way in the back, people scooting their booty past my neck.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me, sorry.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so sorry.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I just gotta get the road 87.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so sorry.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, did I pass it?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, here I go.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my booty again, stranger.
• 6:03
  unknown: Here's my booty.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: You ever come back from the restroom on a plane, or someone's going to the restroom, and you're like, oh, there's there's no room at all.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, somebody about to take it to the face.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know which side I'm gonna give them, but didn't you skip me a line earlier?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you gotta pick and choose so you do it to them.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, man.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Planes are weird, man.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: They got like, I don't understand why the seats have flotation devices.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like all of them have flotation devices, but not parachutes, right?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're flying over mostly not water.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So why are these they just have flotation devices?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm bringing a parachute.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Next time I go on a plane, I'm bringing another bag.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, why you got another bag?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about me, player.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about me.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: People are gonna start freaking out.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's table less! Oh, it's tableess.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna look at me.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Why aren't you freaking out?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, don't worry about why I'm not freaking out.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Where's Mercy X Row?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Is it wrong here?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Let me see where's a mercy.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, man.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Good to be alive.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: So um yeah, I was uh my mom named me preacher.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: She called me preacher.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think of it.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: People think I thought of it.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: When I was two weeks old, a bunch of people kept telling my mom they're like, when he gets older, he's gonna be a preacher.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: He's gonna be a pastor.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they seen in me at two weeks old.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I was saying.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: At two weeks old to give the impression I was gonna be a what can I say?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Goo, goo, gay, gay, goo, can't I get a wire?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't know.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I was changing my mom's milk and the wine.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember, you know, but I'll tell people my name is Preacher.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone here is preacher, and they're like, there's no way he should have said preacher.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: So they start to think of different names on their own.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, what's your name?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, preacher.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: They're like Richard, I'm like, nope.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Clearly started with a P.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: They're like Preston, and I'm like, I'm black.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know my name is a Preston.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's no such thing as a black Preston.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And if there is one, there's one, and he's probably called Black Preston because that's how it works.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't make the rules.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's like a white dude named Jamal.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: He's white Jamal.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows that.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: People get mad at my name.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Are you an actual pastor?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not a pastor.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm not calling you that.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, why would I call you that?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: You're not even don't call me that then, but I got news for you.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know Jesus?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: He ain't actually Jesus, okay?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Dr.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Drake, not a doctor.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Surprise.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows that the rock is a human.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why we're doing this.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Preacher's not a weird name.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: I miss some kid named Thevin with a TH.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: You like, oh I'm Thevin.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, your mom has a lisp, okay?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: There's no such thing as a Fevin.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's either her or the doctor's fault.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know who said of her.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: What's his name?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thevin! How many pounds do he weigh?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thevan! You don't see the coincidence?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to go to hell.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I want to go to Thevin.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, clearly, she got braces.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can tell that she's fit when she talks because I used to have braces.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: It flies out your mouth.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can't help it, you know.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, what?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: People get mad at you.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was looking at something earlier.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I can't help.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I got braces, you know.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of braces, anybody ever been to London?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because they don't believe in those.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a myth.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that was a myth, bro.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: All of them just all look like they inhale grenades at the same time.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like they don't, they don't need can openers down there.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: You understand?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's they just all look like Naja Thornberry.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I used to, I had braces.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had Invisalign braces, which are because my teeth were jacked up.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I had a regular amount of jacked up.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had gaps.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like one time I was eating cereal and my spoon was missing.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wait a second.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is the third time, so I decided to get some braces.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I got Invisalign braces, which are great, because you can't see them, but then you had some people that have regular braces growing up.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: They get mad at me as if I invented Invisalign braces.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you didn't go through the struggle.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: My lips were bleeding.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody cares, bruh.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you had braces growing up, you probably had money.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't feel bad for you looking weird at 11.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're supposed to.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: I just stopped looking like a Pokemon three years ago.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let me be happy, man.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: People trying to catch me.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I choose you, Preacher Choo.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Leave me alone.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to live my life.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: You guys laughed at that, but you honestly should have laughed harder.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: But whatever, it's fine.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's cool.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just gonna ruin my special.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: That was hilarious, man.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: You ever you ever see a meme and you're laughing, you're like dying laughing at it.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Then you can show your friend they're not laughing.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I felt just now.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: When y'all done laugh at my joke, and I just tried so hard, none of y'all give me that twin start.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I would never kill myself.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think about it every day.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm not gonna, you know.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: That was dark.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of dark, I'm black.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am, I'm black.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: My whole body's black.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all notice that?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Except this part.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Ain't that weird?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is weird.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is not black.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is very weird.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I remember as a kid that like they would ask me questions, like, why are you white on one side, black on the other?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't know.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I didn't fully hit my gross part.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why it's works out though.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Anytime I get pulled over, hey officer, I was I understand you don't want to give me that loan.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: Before you say no, I just no, it just comes in handy.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I was stupid.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was that's what it deserved.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was born in Portland, Oregon.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was that's where I was born, so I think that's where I got it.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um because there's no black people in Oregon.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's none.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: My shadow ain't even black in Oregon.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's like there's like four black people.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: There's three.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: I left.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: So there's like three black people there.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: And uh Portland, Oregon, Portland is the whitest major city in America, and we live in Newburgh, which is like not even, you know, Portland.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And they're not, you know, there was no black people at all.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And uh they weren't racist down there, they just didn't like black people.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it was like, the the kids weren't racist.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: The kids, they would always ask me, why you white?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: They would ask me the questions.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: But some of the parents, like I remember some of the parents, they were like, you can't play with my kid because you're black.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, whoa.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Before you say no, all right.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it I was already a weird kid, and I was already weird because I had like ADH, AD, A, B, C, D, E.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: I had it, you know.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be talking about something like squirrel, threw me off, you know.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people think HGTV isn't real, and that's because they don't experience it.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: So they're like, oh, I think it might be hyper.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I am hyper.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: They try to put me on medication when I was a kid.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was like, he'll grow out of it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: She was wrong.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: I did not.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: I grew into it, baby, became a comedian, but yeah, I was a weird kid, man.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't like suit, I wasn't like I collect rocks.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't like that.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I just, you know, I was just kind of like, I don't got a favorite color, you know.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like most people don't have favorite colors.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this lady is particular.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: She doesn't.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I thought I was the only one.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: You wooed like there was gonna be more people, and they were like, Wow, oh, only me.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I thought there was more.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have a favorite color either?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, why'd you yell?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, that was wrong, you didn't do it right.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: But all right.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: What's your favorite color?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Green.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, cool.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Earth lady.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you okay, we get it.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: We like, he probably clapping, he's like, yeah, yeah, you like green?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't have a favorite color.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all doing opposites.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this is what I feel like.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like it depends.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: What is it for, you know?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because I like wearing yellow, because yellow goes good with chocolate, but I'm not about to have a yellow car, you know.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like if you have a yellow car, you got a Lamborghini or a discount.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't do that on purpose.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: It just depends.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, man, I I was uh, I just knew I like making people laugh.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I liked making people laugh when I was like seven.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was seven years old.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: There was a kid in, and it was in recess.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: There was a kid on the swing, and he was Asian, and he was uh, this has nothing to do with the joke, but he was.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just I'm paying the pen.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, well, where's this going?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Where's this going?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's not going anywhere.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but he was swinging his feet on the you know the swing, and I went in front of him, and I fake it like he kicked me, but not like a karate kick, because that's racist.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: I fake like he regularly kicked me, right?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so exaggerative, I'm like rolling in the bark because I'm like bleeding, and this dude is like cracking up, he's like dying laughing.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's changing colors, he's laughing so hard.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: So him being Asian does have something to do with the story, because he definitely wasn't regular Jamal.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so I remember him laughing, and I was like, this is the coolest feeling ever.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like I knew it was just the best feeling.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love making people laugh.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I just always wanted to make people laugh, you know what I mean?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so anytime I got in class, I would try to make someone laugh.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't like, people think because I'm a comedian, I was the class clown, but I wasn't.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was super quiet, right?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Unless everybody was quiet.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: Then I was like, all right, I'll take it from here.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then I get in there, you know.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I was I was quiet, you know.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was quiet.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I used to get people thought I was weird because I didn't cuss, you know.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: I did not cuss, go.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't start cussing until 2020.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that great?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: I cuss all the time now.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: But before I was not, I was not cussing.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even like the first time I cussed on purpose, I was like 25.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was doing an audition in front of the director, the writer, producer, and um, this is before everyone believed in cooties.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And my line was get the hell out of here, right?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: At 25 years old.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: All I had to say was get the hell out of here.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: I had never said it before, so I couldn't stop giggling, right?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, all right, go ahead and do your line.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: I said, okay.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Get the hell.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, someone died in this scene.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I know.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I just used to say, don't cuss.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember the director saying, okay, um, well, say whatever word that makes you feel comfortable.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, all right, okay, all right.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Get the heck out of here.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember the producer saying, How about um um get your ass out of here?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't feel comfortable saying that.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Yeah, we don't care.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: Get your ass out of here, though.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: We need a 25-year-old that doesn't need cuss words or icky.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Get your ass out of here.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Who the freak you think you talking to?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, it's not working, get out of here.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Touche.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Touche.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's Ruben's laugh, everybody.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah, man, I used to get bullied a lot because I didn't, like I said, I didn't cuss.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: They thought it was a snitch.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, what kind of person?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of you don't get the there's no adults here.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: You can cuss now.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, nah, man, it's it's bad.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: I used to get bullied.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody here get bullied?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: All right, nice.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Seven of y'all, the rest of y'all bullies.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: All right, got it.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um I used to get bullied a lot.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: I never got beat up though, because if you can beat me up, I'm not dumb.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna fight you.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I used to get pumped out as a kid all the time.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Kids would be like, ah, knock you out.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I agree.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: Unless there was people around, you couldn't pump me out if there was people around.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: One time there was a kid named Rodney.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Any Rodney's here?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: I hate you.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: So this kid waited till the teacher left the classroom, right?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: We all know teachers leave the classroom, students gotta act up.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: This man took a high school book from the other side of the classroom, through the book at the back of my head.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna act like I didn't notice that.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: Then some kid behind me was like, Oh, snap! He just threw a book at your head.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like I actually didn't notice that.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to get up out my desk like who just threw a book at my head?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: And Rodney was like, I did it.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, since nobody wants to admit it, I'ma let it slide right now.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And Rodney was confused.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I know I was the one who just said, that I threw the book out of your head.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Oh word, it was you, Rodney.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do it again.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Then he did it again.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: Just like I requested, right?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: I love books thrown in my head.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Then he got in my face.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, get out of my face, Rodney, and he goes, or what?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, or Mufasa with a beard in tenth grade, because that's who we sounded like.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: You deliberately disobeyed me.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's what he sounded like.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: I told him, I was like, listen, Rodney, I'ma give you to the count to the 147.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you're gonna find out a what?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't want to find out a what?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna say it one more time, I'm not gonna stop.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, do it.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: I said, oh word.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Want me to do it?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Say less.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: One and a half.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Three, I mean two, dang it.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Guess I gotta start again.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully I finish before I teach a Miss Lisa come back.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Before Miss Lisa come back.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Come back, Lisa! She never came back.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: You just kept throwing books in my head.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't care, man.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because my life is great.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing my second special, and honestly, I heard he's in jail right now.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, baby.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: They locked him up, threw the book at him.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't care what's going on.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was hoping I had superpowers, you know, at the time.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: I tried it too.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: I tried to like choke them.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's tried that.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone in this room has sat down and didn't feel like getting up to grab the remote when they watch TV.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because you look at the remote, you're like, man, that's kind of far right there.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: And you try to look around to see if one was gonna catch you, right?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: You just come.
• 21:38
  unknown: Come to me.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Levitate.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's done it.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not the only kid that walked up the automatic door.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: Circuit said it.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: We've all tried it.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: I remember one time I was I was watching Spider-Man, Tobey McGuire.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: I seen him get bit by a spider turn into Spider-Man.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: I said, That's all it takes.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because I already know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Where the mosquitoes at.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I go over and I get bit by a mosquito on my arm.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, cool, it's only a matter of time before I get these powers.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing about mosquitoes is never one hanging out by itself, so a bunch of them just start attacking me.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, snapper itch.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, too much power.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: My mom came over, she like preacher, what's going on?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: I try to save her.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: Get away.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not preacher anymore.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm suckman.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because mosquitoes suck your blood.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only thing I was thinking.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was not hearing that.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't sucking nothing in this house.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: Better suck up them dishes.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she always gotta ask stuff.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Suck them grades up, you know.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was cool.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: She was strict.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: My mom, my mom told me I couldn't have a girlfriend until I'm 16.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so dumb, I listened to her.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: I remember being 15, some girl approached me.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, next year.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: Same location next year.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18 years old.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: What is that?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: What is that?
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all don't even know why you're clapping.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Someone woo, someone ah, don't ah me.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: I caught up now.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying before.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I was 18, first kiss, playing truth or dare, which is kind of sad.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: But that was, I counted it.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't care, I'm counting this breath.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: 18 years old.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't even want to kiss me.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: They was like, I dare you, Monica, to kiss preacher.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, and I quit.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, hold up.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: I just got dared to suck his toe.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: We can quit.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: We don't gotta do it.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, you ugly.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you ugly too.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to help us out.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like you.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I didn't, I was, this is another reason why I was weird.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because my mom forgot to talk to me about puberty.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: She just forgot to talk about puberty.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: You can't forget to talk to your kids about puberty.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: I just found out, right?
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can't let your kids just find out.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like in class one day, just sitting there like, yo.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Why every time Miss Lisa walked by, I'ma blow up.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on right now?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I just watched the movie Aliens.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, am I pregnant right now?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm being so bad.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: I wanna get better, better.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: My teacher walking by, she was like, hey, preacher, um, everyone got up and left.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: You can you can get up now.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, No, I can't.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Yes, you can, preacher.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm not a preacher anymore.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm suck, man.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, What?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't know why.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: I said that.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was 16, I went to this program called Job Corps.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: I thought it was like some type of summer camp.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it wasn't.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was like jail.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it was.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: I know it was like jail because every kid there with me was like, this is better than jail.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, didn't make me feel safe.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: One kid got kicked out for selling drugs, right?
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: He got kicked out, and they was like, who snitched?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Probably that one kid they call pastor.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that doesn't, that guy that doesn't cuss and has never masturbated before.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he's a snitch.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of 16-year-old don't masturbate?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, first off, I've never masturbated before because it's against the Bible, all right?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it's gay, you know?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: Then I turned 17, tried it out.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'll snap, I'm gay.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I didn't not know.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't all the gay, you know.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm not gay.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: I just, no, I'm not gay.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: I just need to clarify, I don't even want to have the show.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: Was that a joke or was that a joke?
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't, I'm not, I'm not.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: I did have a couple gay roommates, not at the same time.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't like living in a gay house, but I had a gay roommate.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: I had a gay roommate when I was living in Orlando, Florida, and when I first moved to LA, I had a gay roommate, and we shared a room, it's expensive.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell some guys that, and they're like, you shared a room with a gay dude?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can't share a room with no gay dude.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, why?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: You don't trust yourself?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what do you think's gonna happen?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like it's not COVID, he's not gonna cough and get it on me.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's not how it works.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's gotta be on me, you know, so but I had no issues with him.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: I hated him because he he kept stealing my money.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: I would leave money on my bed, I would leave, come back.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, where's my money?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, my money gone too.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, we're the only ones here, you know, like you know.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: He kept trying to convince me I was also gay, you know.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, come on, man, everybody's a little gay.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, not everybody, you know.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a 23 and me and I get my test results back.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, snap! Nigeria, they're gay.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't that's great.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even realize.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, my oldest brother's gay, and I'm vegan, so we get mixed up a lot for some reason.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: I told my mom's a vegan, she goes, ah, you too.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, that is not how it works.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_01: I just told you I don't eat meat, I'm the least gay in the family.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's how kids drink water.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, kids forget they can breathe when they drink water.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's like breathe, stupid.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: How you forget something?
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: You do on autopilot.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna put this back for continuity, so I don't need I don't need people laughing.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha ha! Wait a second, that cap wasn't there.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: This is hilarious, but wait a second.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: This is uh bothering me, man.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: I got my OC I got my MSNBC is over.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to ruin it for anyone else, but uh it's tangled.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because now now y'all gonna be like, ha ha ha.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's annoying though.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: It is a little bit.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm sorry I get distracted.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: I told you I got LGBTQ, man.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_01: I really I was I I know what I was talking about.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was drinking water.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: I keep drinking water and already got a pee, you know?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't know why y'all laughing, y'all in the splash zone.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_01: You better hope I make it.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you ever have to use the bathroom round?
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: You real bad.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: You at a public restroom, right?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of it saying men and women, they try to be creative, it's like a boat and a fish.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: You like, which one?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's walked to the wrong restroom.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: Every woman in here has walked in and been like, when they put urinals inside the restroom, and every dude has walked in, like, is that a couch?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: They got a couch inside the is that a vending machine?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of candy is that?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: They got lotion inside the replica.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can't have a lotion in the man's restroom.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: Cause we're not gonna use it.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's the wide, why y'all laughing?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're gonna pee on my special?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is my second special, and you can't even pee on yourself for me.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: You do not love me.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: You do not don't even come back.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: I did my first special without you.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do my second special without you.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I wrote I wrote like three, five jokes without you.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't I do good?
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, to hell with you.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't she want me, man?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's a Will Smith.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, look at you using her as a sacrifice.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: Look at you.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Using her sacrifice.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: You sitting down on the stairs?
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, your phone?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you getting her phone?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, now, okay, okay, all right.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: See you later.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, see you later.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, see you later.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, do they got speakers in the bathroom?
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: You got this.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: Just breathe.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let it out.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody start clapping.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: Loud, like it's super loud, like, yeah, you pooch.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like be super supportive and look at her the whole time, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: Whole time.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, that's why I don't like dolphins, you know.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: Dolphins are smart.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, dolphins have like two brains.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like one brain is like working while the other one is sleeping.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're super smart.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_01: Dolphins apparently are smarter than like people.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: They just don't have thumbs to build colonies.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like you just can't.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: The whole time they're like, I'm way smarter than you.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: You don't understand.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: They just can't.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I drink some more water.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: I drink a lot of water because I'm thirsty.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of thirsty, I'm single.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I've been single.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, cool.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma I'ma wait till the lights come off.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_01: But um, I've been um I've been uh I've been single for like I think three years.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh wait, five years, five years, two months, eight days, nine hours.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't fully remember.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: But we broke up, and my ex is great.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: I pick really good exes.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: All my exes are beautiful, smart, they're kind, they're great, man.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna trash my ex.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: You ever meet that dude?
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it is.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: Every girl I meet, crazy.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: You, you're the reason that they're crazy.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, everyone clapping is crazy, but uh, I'm just crazy.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: I dated one girl that was crazy, and I knew it the whole time.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: The whole time.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: I remember the first date we went on, I was like, oh, I'ma try it out.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_01: It was amazing, man.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_01: We broke up like 40 times, super toxic.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_01: I loved it.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: One of the times we broke up, right?
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: We was uh I was in the kitchen and she walked up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_01: I turned around, she had like sleeping pills in the hand.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, if you break up with me one more time, I'm gonna take all these pills.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, babe.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_01: There's only three pills in your hand.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna wake up at noon.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you're trying to threaten me.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, there was only three left.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yeah, but we live next to Walgreens.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't even try.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's that's the problem of this relationship.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm the only one trying, and you're not even putting any effort in me.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta walk you to Walgreens.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's cool, man.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah, so uh when I was uh when I was I I lived in Memphis for went from Oregon to Memphis, and my last uh when I decided to leave Memphis, I was actually uh it was around my birthday.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um anybody got a birthday?
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know it's some anybody got a birthday?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's cool.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I have a birthday every year, and and I had a, you know, I've had uh I've only had like one bad birthday.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was my 19th.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone forgot it was my birthday.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone, except my mom and my brother.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_01: My mom, she got me a hundred dollar Applebee's gift card, right?
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, that's right, left me 11, and then my brother, he um he was uh he was like, I realize everyone forgot about your birthday, so I'm gonna take you out to eat.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: You hungry?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm always hungry.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, cool, because I heard mom gave you an Applebee's gift card or something.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: I said, You want me to take you out with my birthday gift to my birthday?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I was angry and I was driving.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: When you're angry and you're driving, what do you do?
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: You crash every time you're angry, you're just driving.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why'd you say that was weird?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't expecting, no.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, everyone else says speed, you the only one.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_01: You die every time.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's weird.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: He was very confident.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's not what happens.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: But um Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: What are y'all doing?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, y'all clap?
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, because she got back from the restroom or something?
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: Why would y'all do that?
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: That was weird.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: All right, welcome back, I guess.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_01: Is it like a bourbon thing?
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: Why would y'all start clapping?
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: This is very weird.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back, welcome back.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all wash your hands?
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_01: You did?
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: I believe you.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: I believe.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: Lick your hand then.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a lick.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't lick it, you nasty.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody high-five her at all, bruh.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: I like how y'all came back, you know.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_01: Same exact time.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_01: You done, girl?
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: Me too.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: You just walk out.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: Women are the only people that go to the restaurant groups.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: You rarely see dudes.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: I got a pee, brand.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: Let's roll, brother.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_01: Should I stand some early?
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get out of here, man.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_01: Where's Tyler at?
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: Tyler here?
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_01: All three of us, we can go together, you know.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully, they got a couch.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_01: We could take selfies, you know, that'd be great.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is that lotion?
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so all right, so we're gonna edit this.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so uh, so um uh so my birthday, so I'm just gonna go back.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_01: So my birthday, um, I was I was angry and I was driving.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knows when you're angry and you're driving, you crash.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I was uh speeding really hard.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_01: I get pulled over, right?
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: The cop gets out of the car, it's a black cop, so immediately I'm like, yeah, about to get a discount.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_01: So he walks over, right?
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: He was let me see your license registration, please.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: I panicked and I gave him my Applebee's gift card.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, he trying to bribe me with an Applebee's gift card?
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_01: Get out the car.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: And when he said that on the inside, I was like, it's my birthday.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: But on the outside, I just turned 19.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to be tough in front of my brother.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, pff, I got a car, don't matter me, cub.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you gonna put cuffs on me?
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you think it's the first time I've been in cuffs?
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, he's not so called.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, What's up with your attitude?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I ain't got no attitude, but I said it like that.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_01: So he starts to put me in the back of the cop car.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_01: As he's doing that on the inside, I was like, It's my birthday.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_01: But on the outside, I'm like, it's my birthday.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I pee to myself a little bit.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't like a full amount of pee.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_01: It was right before the cutoff point.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, ooh, that was almost unstoppable.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so I get inside the back of the cop car because he wouldn't let me in the front.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, hey man, what's going on?
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, it's my birthday.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody forgot.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then he checks my ID, sees it's my birthday, and says, Alright, man, get out of here.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Are you serious?
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Yes, I'm serious.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: Hurry up and get out before I change my mind.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, snap, man, but like I'm, you know, I'm in cuffs right now.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: And he says, Oh yeah, my bad.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: Let me get out.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_01: And he gets out, he unlocks the door, he uncuffs me, goes, hey man, just slow down.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Thank you so much, officer.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_01: I start walking back to the car, hit that little spin move.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know that spin move where you try to wipe all the tears before your brother sees you crying?
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_01: I did that one.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I get in the car, my brother's like, I already heard you crying.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't care, it's my birthday.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'll cry if I want to.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, you would cry too if it happened to you.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the the cop, he pulled up right next to me and he uh rolled down the window and says, Hey man, happy birthday.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: Pulls off.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, wow, this man just stole my Apple V's gift card.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: The worst birthday ever, man.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_01: I left Memphis after that.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_01: I left Memphis.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_01: I went back to Cornell for a little bit, then I went to Orlando.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Orlando's pretty cool.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_01: Orlando was pretty cool.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: I got a dog when I was in Orlando.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody?
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I had a dog.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what kind of dog I had?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_01: A golden register?
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, that wasn't it.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: A lab?
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: Nope.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are bad.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: Who said pit bull?
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: Racist! No, I'm joking.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm joking.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't a pit.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are chihuahua.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_01: You guys were way off.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was a chihuahua.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: He was a chihuahua.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, stop guessing.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're wrong.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_01: I already I told you the answer.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's like if I was like in class and I was like, C, you're like, I'm gonna try B.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let me get I I told you.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_01: So it was a Chihuahua, he's a Chihuahua Yorkie.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: He was super cute, man.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_01: He was super cute.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, he was uh his name was Tank, he was 12 pounds.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the way I got him was this girl like she was like, hey, you want a dog?
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this is my chance.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't, she just left me.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_01: Single parent father.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_01: I used to call him my son.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, this is like my son.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: Then one day he started humping my leg, and I was like, never mind, you cannot, you cannot be my son and my baby daddy.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I just stopped calling him my son.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: He'd be on the other side of the living room getting started, like, oh snap, there's some new jeans, preacher.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_01: I I ain't never seen no jeans like that in my life.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no, yes, yes, the new jeans, because you keep ruining them.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_01: So, but he was super cute, man.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_01: He was adorable.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody wanted to pet him.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, one time I was walking him in my neighborhood, and this homeless dude, I didn't know he was homeless, he was on the cover.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: But he walks up and he goes, That's a good looking dog right there.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Yeah, his name is Tank.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Yeah, yeah.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, whoa, whoa, don't pet him.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't like new people.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_01: If he if it's the new person tries to pet him, he's gonna bite you.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, no, no, trust me, trust me.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm good with dogs.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_01: I say, I don't care how good you are with dogs, all right?
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you yeah, thank you.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's my she she like I like this 4D experience.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go ahead and yell out, I'm gonna yell out my part of the joke.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_01: But you're right, you're right.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, when I was writing the joke, I don't remember putting you in it, but I appreciate you ad lipping right there.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_01: Your extra loud self.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, who gave you a microphone?
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even understand.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_01: You the same one that knocks someone's iPhone down, but your booty, like, sorry, I gotta go to the bathroom.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go to the bathroom.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: That ain't your dog.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, so uh dogs have personalities like humans.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_01: You can't go up to a human, like, hey, that's a good looking uh human right there.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really like people, no, trust me.
• 42:18
  unknown: I'm good with people.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_01: You can't do that.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_01: He tries to pet him anyway, bro.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, your dog bit me.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm so sorry.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was trying to warn you, he doesn't like new people.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, I can't believe your dog bit me.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I'm sorry.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, give me$10.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, your dog bit me, give me$10.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: He said it in a way like everybody knows.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: If the dog bites you was ten dollars.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: He was so confident, I was like, Yeah, I forgot about that rule.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_01: I just gave him ten dollars.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Thank you, brother, God bless.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_01: He just walks off.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this man scammed me for ten dollars.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_01: There's better ways to make money besides getting bit by dogs ten dollars at a time.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_01: How was work, baby?
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: It was great.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: I made$115.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_01: $15?
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get fully bit by the last one they gave me.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_01: They gave me$5.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_01: He was so cute.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: People didn't think it was my dog.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: One lady thought I stole him.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna say what race she was because it doesn't matter that she was white.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_01: And she she walked up to me, she was like, is that the dog they went missing yesterday?
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, No, it's my dog.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Are you sure?
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yep, why would I steal the dog and lie about it, then be like the second time, you know what?
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was lying.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_01: I stole the dog, then walked it in the same neighborhood.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just stole it from.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's like robbing a bank.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_01: Put all the money in the bag.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_01: And let me open the savings real quick, all right?
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my birth certificate.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all got a rewards program?
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to build my credit up.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you gonna you guys can do that real quick.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's my dog.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, I'm sorry.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's just he's so cute.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I get it.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, he's super cute.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_01: Super cute.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_01: I get it.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: You want to pet him?
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: He's my secret weapon.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_01: He was a secret weapon.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: He was so cool.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love the man.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like people like, I remember people talking about dogs, like, this is my best friend.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, that's because you don't have any friends.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I used to, he was just annoying at first.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had to pay$500 for him to stay in my apartment complex.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't pay it.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_01: I just convinced the apartment complex I was the one barking.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: But he was, you know, he was he was expensive and he was just, you know, but then I he became like my best friend for real.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew he was my best friend, you know, one day when I was like, all my roommates were gone, I waited until they were gone because I was having like a bad day.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I started ugly crying, which is the only way to cry.
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_01: No one, you know, no one looks sexy crying, you know.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_01: And if you if you think someone looks sexy crying, then you need help because that's weird.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_01: Very weird.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you had a funeral, yeah, get it out.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that face.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: Don't wipe it.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, look at that face so wet.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_01: I like them cheeks.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's weird, you know.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I was uh I was crying, and I remember a tanky ran over, and he got on his hind legs and he started licking my tears.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, it worked.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_01: I just stopped crying immediately.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it works.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: Any girl I've ever dated after that, if they start crying, ah, I lick their tears.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_01: They just stop.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_01: They can't believe I'm in there.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're not happy, they're kind of confused, but they they stop.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, are you licking my face right now?
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you stop though.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_01: I just got fired.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_01: But you look, come on now.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: You stopped.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I went.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, I remember I was kind of sad because everything I did in Orlando, it was it was tailored towards comedy.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: Any job I had, any relationship, I always did it for comedy.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I'm just gonna make it as a comedian in Orlando, Florida.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to move to LA.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I saved up a bunch of money, and no matter how much money I saved up, LA's expensive.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't gonna be able to take tank initially, so I had to sit tank down like a psycho, because that's what you do when you have a dog.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_01: You kind of just talk to them like a human when you have them too long.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go save up a bunch of money for like a couple months.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna ship you out, then you can get your home bed, even though he keeps jumping in mine.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, the whole time I'm talking to him, he like, Woman going outside, you know, like he doesn't know.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: I can leave for 10 minutes, and Tank's like, I thought you were dead, right?
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, so I I you know I I talked to him and I was like, I it was it was kind of sad because I was like, he doesn't realize I'm leaving for two months, and I started, I just I broke down, started sexy crying, and I did.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it was sexy because he started humping my leg again, and I I let him get it out.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you know, this is the last time, get it out of my child.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I moved to LA in uh 2016, and I wasn't like homeless, but I was flirting with it, you know.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I was like, what's your name, homeless, you know?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I uh found a place on Crazis Park LaBrea mistake, and I moved in.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_01: I had five roommates, six dudes in a two-bedroom.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_01: One dude slept in his own room, another guy in the hallway, another guy in the fridge or something, another guy, another guy in the closet, another guy out of the closet.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_01: That was my roommate.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_01: And this dude was an alcoholic, man.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_01: We got in a fight one day.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_01: We got in a fight one day because he was coming home drunk all the time.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_01: He kept waking me up, and then I was fed up.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_01: Three o'clock in the morning, he's drunk, coming in, talking on the phone, and I'm like, hey man, take that outside.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_01: He throws his phone down.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, What you gonna do about it, man?
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_01: What you gonna do about it?
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't gonna do nothing about it.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, You don't want to find out what I'm gonna do.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: He gets in my face, he's like, do something about it.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like 15 pounds bigger than I am now.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was just in jail, went up the hill to get some more protein, baby.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I started choking this dude immediately, and I was squeezing his neck, and I remember him not fighting it, and I was like, that's kind of weird because I'm squeezing hard.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember him not fighting it, and I remember him going, Yes, daddy.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, whoa, wait,