Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Mindset in Relationships & Divorce

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Mindset in Relationships & Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to be talking all about mindset and particularly mindset when it comes to relationships and divorce.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: This was a podcast episode that was requested on Instagram stories when I ran a poll.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: People expressed a lot of interest in mindset.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's kick off and start with the basics.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: What is mindset?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: A mindset is a set of beliefs that shape how we show up or how we move through the world, how you make sense of the world and make sense of yourself.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And our mindset influences how we think, what we feel, how we respond, and how we behave.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Our beliefs, our mindset play a crucial role in what we want and whether we create it.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And when we relate mindset to relationships, to how we show up in relationships, to separation, to divorce, they can be really powerful in influencing how we behave in our relationships and how we move through a separation and divorce, and even influencing the outcome.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now there are two basic mindsets: a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you are someone who operates from more from a fixed mindset, your beliefs, well, you believe that your traits, your capacity, your talents, your skills, your abilities, you believe that they are fixed.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: That it's this is just something that you're born with, this is just the way I am.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And a fixed mindset can also be a little bit sneaky.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: We might think we don't have a fixed mindset, but often when stressed, hello, relationship challenges or separation, divorce, we revert to a more fixed mindset.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I said, this is just the way I am, I can't change things, I can't change myself, I can't change my ability, I either can do it or I can't do it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's very black and white.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a fixed mindset might show up when one's frustrated or challenged or it gets too hard, we give up.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You won't try because you might fail.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if I stay where I am, if I don't try anything more, then I can't fail.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: A fixed mindset is where feedback, criticism, and suggestions from others tend to make us defensive, tend to make us tip into ego and defend.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: If, however, you operate from more a growth mindset, you believe the opposite.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You believe that your skills and your talents can be developed over time, that everyone has the capacity to grow and learn and change, to become more, to become different with work and persistence.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you apply work, assistance, growth, learning, that is a growth kind of mindset.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You believe that your intelligence, your knowledge, your skills, your emotional intelligence, your relationship skills can be developed, that you have capacity to change and grow.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, that leads to a desire to learn and grow and create change.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you tend to embrace challenges and you keep trying when there are difficulties or setbacks.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are open to learning from mistakes.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you have a greater tendency to accept criticism, constructive criticism and feedback as a learning opportunity because you believe it will make you a better human that feedback and criticism and suggestions from others make you see new ways to grow as a person.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're open to trying new things and you believe that there isn't failure.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you only fail if you don't give it a try, or you don't try for more.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you do, and you find inspiration, I guess, in the learning or you find inspiration and learning in the success of others.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you have that belief that we're all messy, beautiful, imperfect, beautifully, perfectly imperfect humans, but constantly growing, evolving, we are works in progress.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So how does all of this, how does all of this stuff relate to or apply in relationships or relationship breakdown or divorce?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Where divorces go wrong in inverted commas, where they tend to go south is when one person tends to get stuck in resentment, revenge, or bitterness, or even in resignation.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we adopt a fixed mindset, a win-lose mindset that's really fueled by that blame, shame, anger, desire for revenge, resentment, or it can be like a fawn response, fight, flight, freeze, fawn response.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Either because of that intense overwhelm that you just fawn, freeze or fawn, or sometimes because of um intense guilt.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when one party has wronged the other, and infidelity is a really obvious example of this, but not the only example.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when a one person has really wronged the other, they sort of release all control and overgive to compensate the pain that they caused and the and the shame that they that they feel about inflicting such pain on the other person.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So a foreign response is also a mindset issue.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, none of these, neither of these is a really healthy mindset to take into even discussion about divorce.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you already feel like it's if you're already believing it's going to be a disaster, you're operating from a fixed mindset.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: However, if you are open and more curious and more growth mindset oriented, you can look at the divorce, the separation, the relationship issues as challenges to be solved.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So the most common mindset we hear about in media is that fight or battle type mindset.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: When we're when I'm talking separation, divorce, it's a them versus us battle to be won or lost rather than a problem to be solved.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that fight mindset, that battle mindset is really fixed.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's a fixed mindset in that there is only one outcome.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You either win or you lose.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a really fixed mindset.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can, however, choose to lead with a growth mindset, and you can choose your mindset even if your ex-partner is adopting a different mindset.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can lead with curiosity.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this is, I think, a key mindset shift when you are navigating relationship challenges, when you're navigating separation, divorce, lead with curiosity.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Really seek to understand.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And leading with curiosity is key, a key part of a key component of a growth mindset.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're curious about options, solutions, and resolution rather than win-lose, black-white.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Seeking to understand what's going on for your partner is really, really critical here.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Leading with curiosity, seeking to understand what's going on for them, what their story is, what are they most afraid of?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because oftentimes we're operating from fear, which is fixed mindset, but we're operating from a space of fear.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can lead with curiosity, seek to understand what they are most afraid of, be curious about their why, their motivations, their fears, and open yourself up to the possibility of showing empathy, showing compassion, and a really honest desire to be fair and take care of one another.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It can totally change things.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Totally change things.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Leading with curiosity also when it comes to finding solutions to the problems.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, divorce is a problem.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a problem to be solved.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can lead with curiosity, it opens you to possibilities that you might never have considered if you're sitting in a fixed mindset.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when you are separating or divorcing, this is not easy stuff to do.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's hard enough to do when we're in somewhere in a space in life that feels calm and even and welcoming and all you know, all the lovely things.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: When we're in a really challenging situation, like a relationship breaking down around us, moving through, navigating, negotiating a divorce, it's really, really hard.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Seeking to understand one another can be really really hard.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Leading with curiosity can be hard.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Find common ground, see if you can find one thing you can agree on, even if it's something really, really, really tiny.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a start.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Lead with curiosity to find one small thing you can agree on and start from there.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to lead with curiosity about what's going on for the other person.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they so stuck?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they so resistant?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they so hesitant?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's coming up for them?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: What's their story?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I'm going to step through some really simple ways to start to unfix your mindset or to start to stretch yourself or move yourself from a more fixed mindset to a more growth-based mindset.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to relate it particularly to relationships and divorce.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, firstly, focus on the journey and on the destination.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the journey and the destination both.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: See the value, the learning, the growth, all the joy, all the celebration, all the release in the journey rather than only being focused on the end result, only focused on the outcome, only focused on that win-loss.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrate every small, seemingly insignificant learning or growth or achievement along the way.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, acknowledge those sidesteps or mistakes, but don't hold on tightly to them.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're just one small part of the story, they're part of the learning.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: When you're moving through a separation, negotiating or navigating the divorce, you can be focused on a win-win solution or outcome rather than adopting that single fight-based mindset.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So win-win rather than win-lose.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And to do that, you need to be open and curious and explorative and collaborative and open to possibility rather than having that fixed number or fixed outcome as your goal.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the solution and finding a solution rather than a fight that needs to be won or lost.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Also, as well as focusing on the journey and things along the way, do focus on the future.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Know that where you are is not the end.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it feels like it, even if it feels like it's never ending, this bit, this messy middle bit, is not the end.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So stay focused on the future you're creating for yourself.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Choose options, make decisions, make choices that step you closer to the future.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So focusing on the journey as well as the destination can help you unfix your mindset, knowing that this is not the end.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is a process that you're moving through.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Next is to focus on the gain.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: The glass half full mindset is really, really powerful.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, divorce, separation, relationship change means things get divided.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: There is less, but there's also more.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So can you shift your mindset from one of scarcity, one of lack and loss to one of abundance?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Focusing on the gain.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there'll be things that you have lost or will lose, that things will change things that will change, things that you'll be required to release, let go of.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you will grieve.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you'll miss.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not sugarcoat it, but others maybe not so much.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your toxic ex-mother-in-law, the wet towels on the bed, whatever it is, there will be things that you can look to as a gain rather than a loss.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge, release, grieve the things that you will lose, that you will miss, and then acknowledge or explore what you'll gain.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: What have you or what will you gain?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on those things: freedom, new opportunities, new possibilities, choice, agency, power, independence, being free to travel and holiday wherever you choose, whenever you choose to eat what you want, when you want, where you want.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Choose who you spend time with, who you date, who you play with, who you play intimately with, even who you have sex with.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You get to spend your time, your energy, your money where you choose.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Focusing on the gain of divorce, focusing on the gain moves your mindset about the divorce, moves your mindset to being an opening, an expansion, which can even be quite exciting.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: So focusing on the gain can shift your mindset to opening expansion possibility, growth mindset.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And also practice gratitude.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not always the easiest thing to do, especially if you are right in the thick of it, and especially if you are currently feeling unfairly treated by your ex, whether that's in the process, in the negotiation of separation, divorce, or throughout the relationship.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: But practicing gratitude is really, really powerful in shifting our mindset.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us, whatever the reasons for our relationship breaking down, we still have a lot to be grateful for.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be simple things like health, housing, food, friends, and of course, our kids.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: We are we we have a lot of to be grateful for.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you can shift it to three things that went well today, or three things that made me smile today, something that made me think positively, something that helped shift my mindset.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning into gratitude is really helpful to shift our mindset from scarcity and lack to one of abundance because we already have a lot of what we need if we just stop to recognize what that is.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Another way we can shift our mindset is to embrace challenges and allow mistakes.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Again, being open and curious and adventurous and exploratory, that's a growth mindset.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: So embracing challenges, allowing mistakes, allowing ourselves to make mistakes, allowing ourselves to fail in inverted commas, trying new things, stretching yourself, stepping outside of your comfort zone, and knowing that when you do, you're not going to get it right every time.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to get it exactly perfectly right the first time or even every time.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: So graciously, gently, compassionately, allowing yourself to make mistakes because it is through mistakes that we learn.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than so, rather than avoiding the challenges that come up through divorce, through relationship challenge, embrace them as opportunities to grow and learn.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: It might not feel like something that you want to do when you are negotiating and navigating your way through a divorce, but embrace those challenges as opportunities to grow and learn.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: What is this teaching me?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: What is this teaching me?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: What can I learn from this?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: How can I shift and change to move through this?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're also going to make mistakes as you negotiate and navigate your way through the separation and then this new way of being in the world, whether that be in communications with your ex, whether that be in your single parenting, whatever it is, stepping outside your comfort zone, which stepping out of a relationship can actually be fully stepping out of your comfort zone.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping out of your comfort zone inevitably means new things, new stuff.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: So approaching the new stuff with curiosity and kindness for yourself is really really important.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have all the answers or know everything.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just be open and allow exploration, allow discovery, and accept that that means you're probably going to make mistakes along the way.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And whether that is, as I said, within the discussion and negotiation around your separation, your divorce, your settlement, or afterwards when you're dealing with your ex, you're navigating the single parent journey, allow yourself to make mistakes.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's learning its growth, it's adopting that curious, open growth mindset rather than staying fixed, staying where you are.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Another really powerful way to shift your mindset from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset is when you hear yourself saying no or never or not or can't, switch it up a bit.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not yet becomes not, sorry, I can't, I should say, becomes I can't yet.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you just add yet to the end.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you're challenged in telling yourself you'll never get or do or be or have X, Y, or Z, reframing it you by using not yet is super, super powerful.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: By adding yet, you're adding that, you're acknowledging that you can change, things can change.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're opening yourself to a possibility that with time, with persistence, with learning, with experience, you can achieve whatever it is, you can do whatever it is you're feeling challenged by.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do that yet.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not ready for that yet.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: So adding yet to the end of your sentence is a really powerful mindset, mind shift, mindset switch.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Also being mindful of your inner voice, noticing how you're speaking to yourself and how you're speaking about your divorce, about your ex, can you shift your inner voice?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can you shift that narrative to being more positive about your ex, about your divorce, and especially about yourself?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, regarding your ex, if you're hurt and feeling all the big feelings about him or her, the inner chatter, and sometimes even the outer chatter, the external language we choose, can be really negative, really heavy, really loaded, even toxic.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And carrying that around in your head, in your heart, repeating it on loop actually fuels it.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: It weighs you down, it weighs down your heart and your spirit.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, can you catch yourself and can you challenge yourself to shift the way you think and the way you speak about your ex?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't go full positive, can you at least shift your language?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Either the internal probably both the internal and the the verbal, the external, the stuff that comes out of your mouth, can you at least shift it from negative to neutral?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: How can you neutralize the way you think and speak about your ex?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And similarly, about the divorce, telling yourself it's all terrible, it's disastrous, it's destructive actually feeds that fire.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Telling your story over and over and over to yourself and to others feeds it rather than releases you from it.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sure, we all need validation, we all need to tell our story, we all need a voice, we all need to voice our story and be heard.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm definitely not suggesting silencing yourself here, but there comes a time when it's unhelpful and unhealthy to keep retelling and reliving and re traumatizing yourself with the story.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: How can you shift that?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: How can you reframe all Retell the story, releasing yourself from the negative, releasing yourself from the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, all the heavy stuff.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't use positive, how can you at least use neutral language about it?
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: Mind also how you speak to yourself.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Catch yourself.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Would you use that tone, those words, that language with a girlfriend who's going through what you're going through?
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Try speaking with kindness and compassion to yourself.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Be a friend to yourself.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Which sounds really basic and a little bit twee, I know, but it can be really, really powerful.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Speak to yourself as you would to a small child, as you would to your four-year-old self.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Use gentle language, even a pet name.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Speak with kindness, compassion, honoring that you are on a journey.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is a ride.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you need all the kindness, all the compassion, all the friends that you can get, including being that to and for yourself.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: So really mind how you speak to yourself.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's also an Inner Critic podcast episode.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's it's way back in the early episodes five or six about there.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Go back and listen to that if inner critic and that that nasty voice in your head is loud for you.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can also start to notice the I statements and the I stories that you're using in your day about yourself, about your divorce, your experience, your relationship, because I am statements are really powerful influences of our mindset.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: The stories we tell ourselves are the stories that we start to believe, the stories that our mind believes, and they become a part of our mindset, and it is our beliefs and our mindset that drive our behavior, and the behavior and our behavior therefore determines our lived experience, our life, our relationships, our connections.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are the stories you're telling yourself?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Start to notice the I statements you're using in your day and how they make you feel.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: I am, I'm not, I can't, I don't, I won't.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: So starting to really shift that language, notice them first and shift them.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Add the yet on, I'm not yet, I can't yet, I don't yet, I won't yet.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Start to shift those.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Believe in yourself, even if you have to fake it till you make it.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Shifting your thoughts from the I'm not enough to I'm good enough to I'm amazing, you know, and you can do this incrementally.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: If one of your I am statements is I'm not enough, for example, you can you can move that gently to I'm doing okay.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: I am good enough.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: I am good, I'm amazing.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you can do it in steps.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Watch your I am stuck or watch your I statements and see if you can shift them.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: The next part of moving your mindset is really accepting and letting go.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Accepting and letting go of what you can't control.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Accepting and letting go your anger, your pain, your sadness, your grief, guilt, shame, frustration, resentment, bitterness, whatever it is.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Accept it, let it go.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: It can be really empowering and exhilarating to let go of all that crap you've been holding, release all the anger to actually feel forgiveness of for your ex and for yourself and for whatever happened between you in your marriage.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: So shifting your mindset, changing your mindset from one of again, sort of win-lose, good cop, bad cop in the relationship, shifting your mindset from one that's steeped in blame and shame or anger to one of forgiveness actually saves you.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: It saves your time, it saves your energy, it saves your heartache.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Releasing, letting go means you've just saved yourself months or years of unhealthy emotions attached to your ex, unhealthy emotional wounding, unhealthy emotional engagement, and you can really, really allow yourself to focus forward and move forward at peace in yourself, content, free from anger or bitterness with a growth mindset.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is that old old there's that quote from Buddha that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: So accept and release.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: Accept in every cell of your body, not just in your head, but on a soul-cellular type level, that the only control you absolutely have is how you react, how you react to your divorce.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Adopting a more accepting mindset in itself can cause a shift to feeling more in control and empowered, even when you're dealing with a challenging ex.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because your ex only has that power to cause you hurt or cause you angst if you allow it.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can control your reaction, you can control your response, and acknowledging and really accepting this is a massive, massive mindset shift.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: You do have control, just not over other.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have control over other, but not over what your ex says or what they do or even how he or she shows up for your kids.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: You do have control just not over the other, and there is power in accepting and letting go of that.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, your ex is your ex for a reason, and probably quite a lot of reasons.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, your relationship, your marriage might not have been all bad or all that bad, but he or she is your ex for lots of really, really strong reasons.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: So accept the reasons, know that they are valid and release yourself from them.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean to completely excuse you for your part, your contribution in the relationship breakdown.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: We all need to own what is ours to step forward into the healing and do what do the work, but accepting and releasing is really powerful from shifting you in shifting you from a fixed this really bad thing happened to me kind of mindset to okay, this thing happened, these are the contributing factors, these are the reasons, and now I'm choosing to grow and change because of it.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, exes are exes for really good reasons, accept the reasons and release yourself from them.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you are someone that really still feels deep love, or you were in feel that you're still in love with your ex and you're hoping they might come back to you, the healthiest mindset you can adopt here is to remember your ex is your ex for a reason.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they did something unforgivable, they chose to leave, or it was the relationship was death by a thousand cuts over a long time.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: They've stopped showing up for you, and they've stopped showing up for the relationship they've shown you, they've shown you.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: So accept and release.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Accept what they're showing you by their actions, by their behavior, and by their words.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing you can do here is deeply fully love yourself, accept their decision, accept their behavior, and release yourself from holding on to something and someone that does not hold you.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Release yourself from holding on, release yourself.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve more, you are worthy of more.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: If this is where you where you're at right now, practice huge daily doses of self-love until you really comprehend, embody, and believe that you deserve better, you are enough.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you if you're at the point where you feel you can't see a way forward, you're asking all the hard questions and not seeming to find answers or solutions, again, lead with curiosity, be open.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: A curious, open growth mindset can really help, even when you think there's there's no other way.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: So a little bit of faking it till you make it can work.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Small incremental shifts, small steps that you can build on.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in a space where you're filled with all the doubts, all the questions, all the fears, challenge yourself.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: Be curious about yourself.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself what if.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of focusing on all the things that are going wrong, or the things that are bad, or the things that are negative, focus on what we talked about gratitude before, focus on what you do have.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you're thinking scarcity, focus on what you already have where your life is already an abundant, rich life.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on what could go right rather than all the things that you feel are going wrong.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Swap out what if I fail to what if I fly?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: What if I succeed?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: What if I succeed beyond my wildest dreams?
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: So switching from what's the worst can happen to what's the best that can happen can be powerful.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can go through a process that I often lead clients through, which is all right, what's the worst that can happen if I don't do or choose or be X, Y, or Z?
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what's the best that can happen if I don't choose, do or be X, Y, or Z?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's the worst that can happen if I do choose XYZ?
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: And what's the best thing that can happen if I choose if I do?
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: If I what's the what's the worst thing that can happen if I do?
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: What's the best thing that can happen if I do?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself what if ask yourself what if the most amazing life is out there waiting for me beyond this.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: By far the most powerful mindset shift you can make about moving through separation, divorce, relationship breakdown, the most powerful mindset shift you can make is to believe with everything you have on a soul core level with every cell of your body.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Believe that things will get better, that this messy middle that you're in is exactly that.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's the middle, it's not the end.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: So believe, believe in every cell of your body that things will get better and that good things are coming for you, that you have the capacity to lead with curiosity, to lead with an open growth mindset, to show up for yourself and to embrace challenge, embrace adventure, embrace the learning and the growth, and go out and create the life and the love that you most desire for yourself.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you found something in this episode that can really support you to expand into a more open growth type mindset, particularly if you're in that messy middle.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really hard space to sit in, and it can be really hard to see expansion and possibility.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: But that's what I believe divorce is separation, relationship breakdown, shifting, changing, divorce.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity, it's giving you the opportunity to step into something, to create something that you really, really want for yourself.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's an expansion, it's an offering, it's a possibility, it's it's opening yourself to possibility.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you so much for sharing time and space with me.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.