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Boundaries: With Family · The Living Freed Podcast

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Hey y 'all, I'm Hannah Liz, a coastal living,
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Jesus living, NC native, and this is the Living
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Free Podcast. Where we discuss intentionally
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living our lives to the fullest that God has
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intended Having those late night open heart friend
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combos not letting others ourselves or ideas
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hold us down Allowing Jesus to free us of the
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chains that we didn't know we were holding on
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to You can see the full show notes attached to
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this episode and if you love this episode, please
0:48
leave me a review Hey y 'all welcome to the weekly
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updates where you get to see a little bit into
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my life and what I've been up to um okay for
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starters this week was my mom's birthday super
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fun don't ask me how old she is i have no idea
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she's in her 50s um and for her birthday this
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year so last year my best friend is a photographer
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she um we took her on a surprise like daya family
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photo shoot my sister came in with the baby and
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her husband and my older brother came in with
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his now ex -girlfriend which was a whole thing
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with the photos, trust me. And we all took photos,
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went to dinner, and it became the longest gift
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in the world for me. It went from just doing
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photos and organizing colors and getting everybody
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there, to then she didn't know which photos to
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pick, so I had to print out, oh, I got to print
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out photos, put them in a frame, give them to
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her for Christmas, and then for, I don't know,
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like Valentine's Day or something, I don't even
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remember what day it was. maybe Easter again
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don't know I went over there as an additional
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gift and put them up on the wall for her so was
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not doing that this year as fun as it was too
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long of a process I have too much going on in
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my life right now so we went for a walk my mom
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loves to walk slash run I love to just walk so
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we went for an eight mile walk on the best day
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ever even though it got really hot towards the
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end of it and it was beautiful so everyone wished
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my mama a happy belated birthday okay what else
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oh so i decided to skip church on sunday this
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past sunday and i have no regrets i love my church
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i love going to church going to church is typically
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the highlight of my week but i really needed
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to just hunker down and spend some quiet time
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and alone time with jesus and i'd had such a
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crazy week that i hadn't had the opportunity
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to really just like sit in his presence So I
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skipped church on Sunday and I got to do that
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and it was honestly so refreshing. I feel like
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I started my week off really strong and I got
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to spend like extra time in my Bible even today.
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So I don't know. I think every once in a while
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it's good to just skip church and be in the quiet
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time with Jesus. It was great. I listened to
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a couple sermons while running errands on Sunday
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and visiting friends. Got to listen to my worship
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music. It was just, I really enjoyed it. It was
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a vibe. And then what I have coming up is my
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roommate is hosting girls from church over for
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dinner. I was supposed to help with this but
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I'm working the day that they're all coming in.
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So I will be coming home to have dinner with
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everybody but I can't wait to have some girls
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over from church just to hang out get to know
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them a little bit more because this is still
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a newish church that I've been going to for the
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last six months. But I'm just pumped. I'm really
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excited. She just made the menu and I think it's
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gonna be a really fun sweet time to just get
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connected. even more in the community i'm really
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pumped uh starting in a new church is always
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hard and finding your people is really hard and
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kind of like weird and insecure but i think it's
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going to be really good to keep just spending
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time with people and getting to know everyone
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okay so what is out oh actually so what is in
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What's in I would say right now is long walks.
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I've gone on a couple long walks. My roommate
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and I got up at 6am the other day and we went
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for a sunrise walk and it was beautiful. She
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was mad at me. She says I walk too fast. I just
4:16
think everybody else walks too slow. And a lot
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of my friends are tall and have long legs so
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maybe that's just like I don't think a lot about
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it. I've had other people tell me I walk too
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fast but then everybody else is like no this
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is a great pace. I don't know I'm just not I'm
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not a leisure walker. And I don't think I ever
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will be. But what's in is long walks. I even
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went for one this morning, and it was beautiful.
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It was just the best way to start my day. And
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what is out? Sleeping in, y 'all. I am done sleeping
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in. I say that, watch me sleep in tomorrow. But
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no, like sleeping in. I've thrown off my sleep
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schedule completely by sleeping in. I've been
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going to bed way too late, waking up way too
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late. Half my morning is ruined or wasted. So
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I started over today getting up at 6 a .m. I'm
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hoping to get myself back up around like 5 30
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in the morning to 5 a .m. But I'm gonna have
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to work up to that the 6 a .m. Is just kind of
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the sweet spot for me, but I'm excited. It will
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be good I've decided that even on my days off.
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I'm gonna wake up at 6 a .m. And get the day
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started Instead of just like sleeping in till
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8 o 'clock. I know some of y 'all are like 8
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o 'clock is sleeping in for you Yes, it is but
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I just wake up tired and I feel like my whole
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morning is gone and I'm missing out on doing
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other things So I am done sleeping in. Yeah,
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that's what's out. Anyways, let's dive into today's
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episode Welcome back to part three of this super
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fun conversation about boundaries. This week,
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we will be talking about if it's possible to
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set boundaries with family and if it's healthy
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to. Obviously, the answer is yes to both of those
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questions, but let's chat about why and possibly
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how. Family is a hard conversation, and that's
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why I saved it for last. There are so many different
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types of families and different relationships
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you have with each member in the family. Personally,
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how I am and what I talk about with my sister
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is different from my younger brother and it's
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different from my mom and different from my older
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brother or my cousins and so on and so forth.
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It's important to understand your family dynamic
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because family creates and builds how you are
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in the world. and sets the standards for her
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boundaries from the get -go. So, if they don't
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teach you boundaries or how to set them or respect
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yours or others like mine did, you were then
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set up for failure. Going into the relationship
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world with friends, coworkers, romantic partners,
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roommates, the list could honestly go on and
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on and on. The idea of setting boundaries with
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family probably sounds daunting or like hard
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work and trust me, It is. It's not an easy thing
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to do. It's rewiring your brain and breaking
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old habits. It's learning to be okay making others
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uncomfortable to set your future self up and
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then for success in the future to be comfortable.
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If you had told teenage me that I'd be having
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this conversation, even talking about my own
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family in it, I'd believe you, but I would think...
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Future Me would be singing our praises, not about
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to point out some major cases for lack of boundaries.
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If you're anything like Younger Me, then you
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don't even see where your family lacks boundaries.
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Like yeah, sure, they could mind their own business
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a lot more, or keep their opinion to themselves,
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but that's just what family is, right? But Shocker,
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it's not. And it's definitely not how it should
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be. My family that y 'all know I love so dearly
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Every single one of them, from my siblings to
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my mom to my cousins, had no idea, no inkling
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of a clue that boundaries exist, and neither
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did I. In my family, everyone knew. You told
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my mom something, our aunt knew by the end of
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the day, and vice versa. If one person in the
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family was having a problem, then the whole family
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had to share in the same problem. Sounds exhausting,
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right? I remember when I first discovered boundaries
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and I thought it was time I enlightened those
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around me, starting with my very own mom. I was
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visiting my parents while they were still together
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and sat her down to talk. My, my, my, how the
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tables had turned. Imagine sitting your parents
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down in their bedroom to talk for once. Anyways,
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I informed my mom that she had a lack of boundaries
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when it came to me, my life, and sharing my business.
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This conversation quickly turned. It went from
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me letting her know I have boundaries and examples
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of the lack of understanding of my boundaries
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to her explaining to me that she understands
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boundaries and has great boundaries and her quickly
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telling me my cousin -in -law's personal business
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that apparently the whole family knew and me
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saying, this is the lack of boundaries exhibit
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A, Pamela. My mom's response was, well, if he
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didn't know, how could we not share the burden
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with her? And you wouldn't know to be praying.
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I was like, Pamela, please! This conversation
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ended with me crying in frustration and her crying
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because I was crying. Now, you might be thinking,
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your mom just cares about you, Hannah Liz, and
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family shares burdens, but I'm about to give
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some really great examples of my boundaries being
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crossed, so mom, if you're listening, skip the
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next few minutes so you don't relive mom guilt,
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okay? The first story. I was getting ready to
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move out of my parents' house and there was a
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little park across the street from the neighborhood
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they had moved into. And I thought the whole
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time I lived there, how nice would it be to grab
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a book or grab my Bible and go sit by that little
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pond and read in the sunshine and just enjoy
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the nature around me. So because I was getting
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ready to move out for the first time by myself,
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I grabbed my Bible. I went and sat out by the
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pond. Pretty much directly across from their
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house and was enjoying my time when all of a
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sudden I heard the crunching of leaves behind
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me and if you're a girl even in the daylight
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You turn around pretty quick when you hear crunching
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of leaves behind you and I whipped around and
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who was it my mom I looked at her I said, oh,
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what are you doing? And she goes I saw your location
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was over here by the park and I wanted to make
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sure you were okay Cuz this is unusual for you.
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So I came over to check on you. Is everything
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all right? I was like, yeah, mom, everything
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is great. Just always wanted to read my Bible
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over here. Sorry, I never shared that with you
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in the first place. I thought 21 year old me
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could handle reading by herself across the street
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from the house in the middle of the day, but
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apparently that's not allowed. Okay, so next.
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This one's gonna be really hard to hear. When
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I was engaged, my mom... and my ex -fiance were
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constantly making decisions about my future.
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and they would never consult me. I'd be sitting
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in the living room, watching a TV, and they'd
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be whispering in the kitchen, talking about something,
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or how I didn't do this, or I needed to do this,
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or I needed to plan for this, but it was always
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a conversation between the two of them. Never
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once did someone say, hey, Hannah Liz, we're
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gonna talk about our future, let's go talk with
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your mom, or hey, babe, me and your fiance are
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talking, how about you come in the kitchen and
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have this conversation with us? It was constantly
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planned around me, but not with me. All right,
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last one. This one is going to make her cringe,
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so I really recommend you skipping mom if you're
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still listening. Okay, when I caught off my engagement,
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as y 'all don't know because I haven't talked
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a lot about the details, my ex and I were playing
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with the idea of getting back together. It was
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a really emotionally abusive relationship according
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to my therapist, yada yada yada, so I was having
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a hard time separating myself from the relationship.
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But as y 'all know from a previous episode, I
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did decide to end things with really strong encouragement
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from my friends and really great support from
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my roommates. Well, at the time when I originally
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called off the engagement, I did not give him
12:01
back the ring, but I had given the ring to my
12:03
mom because I was being kind of petty and it's
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a gift. An engagement ring is a gift. And if
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that person is not faithful on their end, you
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should get to keep your gift. And I stand firm
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on that ground. Anyways, I gave my ring to my
12:17
mom to keep it. because I didn't want to look
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at it, but I wanted to have it for the sake,
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excuse me, for the sake of having it. Anyways,
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when my mom thought me and my ex could be getting
12:28
back together without talking to me, without
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consulting me, without having a conversation
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with me, this woman met him for coffee and gave
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him the ring back so he could re -propose in
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the future. Yeah, she did y 'all. She really
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did. He told me. She never told me. He told me.
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He was like, yeah, your mom gave me the ring
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back. I was dumbfounded. I was dumbstruck. Your
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girl was speechless. Speechless. I couldn't believe
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she had done that. So when I called her and I
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was like, yo, what? WTF? She was like, oh, yeah,
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I did do that. But I wanted to show you that
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I was supportive of you guys getting back together
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if that was a choice you're going to make. OK.
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All right. Anyways, so. Those are the three major
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times, because I won't get into every time my
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boundaries were overlooked, overstepped, that
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my amazing mother, who I love dearly, did not
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understand or respect boundaries whatsoever.
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And again, each time she was trying to care about
13:27
me or be supportive, I understand. But those
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are my boundaries and that's where I stand. So,
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hearing all of this, you might have a few thoughts.
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Wow, I wish my mom cared that much about me.
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Wow, I'm glad my mom isn't that invested in my
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life. Or yeah, y 'all definitely need a boundaries.
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I want to be extremely clear. My mom has boundaries
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and respects my noun. She is super clear with
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me that she doesn't want to overstep and will
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ask if she is. She doesn't overshare other family
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members' business anymore. She doesn't hunt me
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down at the park while I'm reading. My dear,
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sweet, caring Italian mother wasn't the only
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one in the family that didn't understand that
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we all had and needed more boundaries. Here are
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a few more instances where we should have had
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clearer lines drawn, not even in sand, in concrete,
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straight concrete we needed that line drawn.
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okay um wow so the first one is I am a name dropper
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so I'm gonna talk about my favorite cousin Zach
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when my ex and I had broken up the family did
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not take it well I wasn't taking it well but
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I was being strong I was a strong girl um and
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The men in my family are very protective and
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I love it and I appreciate it and I know that
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they always have my back and they made that super
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clear this time because I was definitely wronged
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leading up to the wedding and one of my cousins
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didn't handle it very well. Zach did not handle
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it well at all. Zach showed up to my church early
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afternoon while service was just ending, cornered
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my ex -fiance in the parking lot, threatened
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to beat the crap out of him because no one should
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ever do someone in our family that badly and
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it got to a point where like cops were called
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on a very dramatic scene and I quite literally
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was standing there in my Sunday best dress clutching
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my physical pearls because I was so distraught
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emotionally over the situation happening. Now,
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did I appreciate being loved so much by my cousin?
15:41
110%. Instead, six months later, I wish someone
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would do it then when I was emotionally stronger
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and prepared for a situation like that. Also
15:48
110%. But in that moment, I was not ready. In
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that moment, I was trying to make sense of my
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life. At that time period, I was emotionally
15:58
not secure as a person because I just called
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off, again, a wedding and was trying to figure
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out how to explain or not explain the situation
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to everyone around me. And then Zach didn't go
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to my church. Zach went to a different church.
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So he had to drive from his church, his kids
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were in the car, his wife was with them, to then
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go and threaten my ex in front of all my other
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friends. And I was already, again, y 'all know
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how much I cared about people's opinions of me
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at the time, it was already an embarrassing situation.
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So then to have the situation escalated and brought
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to everyone's attention for me was even worse.
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On top of that, apparently my whole family knew
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he was going. They all were like... uh yeah someone
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should stand up for her someone should protect
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her someone should do that and no one warned
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me not a single person thought to text me that
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my cousin was on his way to defend my honor which
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again appreciated it just wish it had happened
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later when i was could handle it emotionally
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or if someone had consulted me and asked okay
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two i had a lack of boundaries in my own time
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when I got in trouble for talking too much ish
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about my cousin's girlfriend that y 'all um know
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when I talked about discernment this is the one
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I was talking a lot of crap about this girl y
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'all a lot and I didn't like it and Jacob had
17:12
to pull me aside or like her and Jacob had to
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pull me aside and set me straight and say one
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stop talking crap about my girlfriend to anybody
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who will listen in in public and two like She's
17:23
gonna be more stop talking crap about her. So
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Was I right in the end? Yes, that doesn't justify
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my lack of boundaries and my lack of respect
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For my cousin's girlfriend at the time that's
17:35
on me Okay, finally lastly y 'all my father This
17:41
man has such a lack of respect not only for his
17:45
children, but other people's children There was
17:49
a time that he would tell me to leave the room
17:52
so that he could yell at his nephews and my other
17:56
siblings or any other kids that were over at
17:58
the house when someone did something he didn't
18:00
like. He would purposely try to instigate a fight
18:05
with my siblings and taunt them and then would
18:09
tell them how disrespectful they are. He would
18:13
berate my younger brother and had no respect
18:17
for his emotions or his intelligence or him as
18:22
a person. My father has no respect of physical
18:26
boundaries. I was not allowed to have a bedroom
18:30
door that locked ever. I've never lived in a
18:32
house until I moved out on my own where my bedroom
18:34
door locked. And my dad will physically show,
18:37
if he knows where you live, he will show up out
18:39
of the blue at your house. And he'll use it as
18:41
a, oh, I'm just gonna fix this for you. Or like
18:43
my sister. was pregnant and he decided to show
18:46
up at her house and knock on the door when she
18:49
was home alone. This is not good behavior. This
18:51
is not normal behavior. This is not justified
18:53
behavior. My father has zero boundaries because
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one, I blame him and his childhood trauma, but
19:00
two, he also feels he doesn't owe us and you
19:04
respect your boundaries. So yeah, zero boundaries
19:07
when it comes to my own father. Hence why I was
19:09
not set up for success going into the real world.
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So, if you're wondering, and I hope you're wondering,
19:17
if I ever fixed these issues and how, let me
19:21
tell ya, I wish it was an easy one. With my mom,
19:24
I would inform her every time she crossed a boundary.
19:27
I would say something like, see, that was my
19:30
boundary, but you did XYZ, so now I feel this
19:32
way towards you, and I won't be sharing with
19:35
you again until you can prove to me otherwise.
19:37
The rest of the family, it was a lot harder.
19:40
Unfortunately, I had to pull all the way back
19:42
from them. I stopped going to every single family
19:45
event. I stopped allowing certain conversations
19:47
and would just walk away from them. And if it
19:50
was my dad, I would have to call him out on his
19:52
behavior. Truthfully, the relationships with
19:56
my family never fully recovered from me pulling
19:59
back and slowly trying to reset those boundaries.
20:02
The cousin I was closest to took it really hard.
20:07
and never really tried to rebuild that relationship
20:10
even though I felt like I had been trying and
20:15
am trying to do. People are more careful with
20:18
their actions and words and careful about sharing
20:21
family business which are other family members'
20:25
business and I really love that. I love seeing
20:27
people being more protective of individuals and
20:30
not just being like, this is their business and
20:32
this is why we're all so worried about them type
20:34
of deal. um and they're more protective over
20:39
each other's individual problems and not trying
20:43
to make it everybody else's my father oh he will
20:48
never truly change but he has learned that i
20:51
have no problem either standing my ground or
20:54
completely walking away i have gone up to six
20:57
months without talking to him at a time so setting
21:00
those boundaries even though it might not be
21:03
fully authentic on their side of respecting them,
21:06
it can be done, but it's really hard. I wish
21:09
I could say it was easy and your relationships
21:11
just won't ever look the same, but sometimes
21:13
that's for the best. My father doesn't fully
21:15
respect my boundaries, but he does know that
21:17
if he crosses them that he won't be hearing from
21:19
me for a long time, so he does walk on eggshells
21:22
around me. And is that uncomfortable for both
21:25
of us? Absolutely, but at the same time, it's
21:27
better than how he would behave and had behaved
21:30
and would talk around me. Let's take a second
21:34
though and look at what the Bible says about
21:35
boundaries with family members. In Genesis 2,
21:39
24, it talks about how a man will leave and cling
21:42
to his wife. Look, I'm not married, but I think
21:45
we can all have health benefits from a marriage
21:48
in that case. I know a few girls married to men
21:51
whose mothers are way too involved in their son's
21:54
marriage. And I think that that's not healthy
21:56
for anyone. So for the married girl who's not
21:59
sure how to set boundaries with her in -laws
22:02
or with her direct family, cling to this verse.
22:06
You guys are supposed to become one. Yes, it's
22:08
good to have family and be close to them, but
22:10
maybe your mother -in -law or your mother shouldn't
22:12
be so heavily invested or involved in y 'all's
22:17
relationship like mine was. In Ephesians 6, it
22:20
says, children obey your parents because you
22:22
belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing
22:24
to do, honor your father and mother. Now, if
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you grew up with a father like mine who demanded
22:30
respect and would be seen a tyrant to his family
22:34
behind closed doors, then you know this verse
22:36
very well. It was misquoted and preached at you
22:40
all too often, because here's the thing. Yes,
22:43
we should respect our parents, and boundaries
22:45
will naturally align with that respect. But what
22:48
about boundaries for our parents? Well, verse
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4 says, fathers do not provoke your children
22:54
to anger by the way you treat them. This means
22:57
that your parents shouldn't cross boundaries
22:58
to a place that makes you angry for how we are
23:01
treated or how things are handled. Verse Corinthians
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13, 5 says, love does not insist on its own way.
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Again, this means that you and your family should
23:11
be able to respect each other's boundaries Just
23:13
like I said in the episode about friends and
23:16
how boundaries will change from person to person.
23:18
It's the same for family Again, the boundaries
23:20
I have with my sister are different than the
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ones I have with my mom are different than the
23:24
ones I have with one of my male cousins And it
23:27
should be that way Galatians 6 5 says for every
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man shall bear his own burden We're not responsible
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for others' burdens and we definitely are not
23:35
responsible for how others feel. You can't make
23:38
someone feel a type of way, but family especially
23:41
likes to blame others for their feelings or their
23:44
burdens. I've said it before and I'll say it
23:48
again. Setting boundaries is not easy or comfortable,
23:51
but we have to be uncomfortable to grow and to
23:54
heal. Kind of like an itchy scab. So, if you
23:58
need to set boundaries with your family, do it.
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Will it be easy? No. Will you maintain the same
24:03
relationship you have now with that family member?
24:05
No. You won't. But truthfully, doesn't it need
24:08
to change anyways? Biblically, are boundaries
24:11
good for your family? Yes. Is it doable? Yes.
24:16
Will you have a new piece in your life after
24:18
the matter? Also, yes. I hope you hear this today
24:25
and feel encouraged. or guided on how to set
24:27
boundaries with whoever in your family you need
24:29
to. I hope, unlike me, it's not your whole family
24:32
and maybe just one or two members. If you want
24:36
to do a deeper dive into the subject before taking
24:38
a healthy stand for yourself and boundaries,
24:42
I highly recommend reading Boundaries by Dr.
24:45
Henry Cloud or Lisa Terker's book, Good Boundaries
24:48
and Goodbyes. Both those books had a huge impact
24:51
on how I took on the challenge of setting boundaries.
24:54
with my family, with my friends, with my coworkers
24:57
in my day to day life because you're never going
25:00
to be too strong on your boundaries. You're never
25:02
going to be too set and we can always keep learning.
25:04
So if you're ready to take on that challenge
25:07
and set yourself free of whatever burdens you're
25:09
carrying from your family and the lack of respect
25:12
you don't feel like you have from them and the
25:14
lack of respect that they give you, then I highly
25:16
recommend reading those books and setting yourself
25:18
up for success. OK, I know I gave you a lot today.
25:22
So I'm going to end it there. And I hope that
25:25
if this is a challenge you need to take on that
25:27
you find the strength and the courage to do so.
25:29
Let's go ahead and pray. Dear Jesus, thank you
25:32
for boundaries. Thank you for your step -by -step
25:35
guide in the Bible for boundaries. Thank you
25:38
for making clear that we deserve to have boundaries
25:40
as children, as parents that lack them, as sisters
25:44
or brothers, as siblings, as cousins, as nieces
25:49
and nephews. As grandchildren, thank you for
25:51
showing us that we deserve to have boundaries
25:53
and that our boundaries can honor you and can
25:55
honor the life we live here on this earth, and
25:58
will set us up for success living a freer life
26:00
on this earth. I ask that whoever is listening
26:02
to this episode that they feel encouraged, that
26:05
they feel ready to take on whatever is going
26:07
on in their life, and that you give them the
26:10
strength and the wisdom to handle this situation
26:13
and to feel freer at the end of it. And in Jesus'
26:16
name, amen. All right, that's all I have for
26:29
you today. Thank you so much for listening to
26:31
the Living Freed podcast. Let's get connected
26:34
on Instagram at HannahLizD or you can email me
26:37
at livingfreedpod at gmail .com. If you're loving
26:41
the podcast, I'd be so honored if you go ahead
26:44
and hit that subscribe button and leave me a
26:46
review. If you have feedback or a subject you'd
26:49
like me to cover, please DM me or email me. Again,
26:52
thank you so much for listening. I hope you feel
26:54
encouraged and lighter today. Bye y 'all! you