Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / January 10 , 2017 | Expresso - Jennifer Hastert

Transcript

January 10 , 2017 | Expresso - Jennifer Hastert · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Um so uh I am not from Topeka.
0:05
SPEAKER_00: I am from Iowa actually.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: And um I will just start with that first picture actually.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: And this I grew up in a very small town in Iowa.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: We had a dairy suite, we had a stoplight, and we had an IGA.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: I had two loving parents and a bossy older sister.
0:22
SPEAKER_00: That's her right there.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: And uh she actually was smiling for me there with my trophy.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: She usually wasn't wasn't happy about that.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: Um and uh we grew up going to church every Sunday, but it wasn't.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: Can you guys hear me all right?
0:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna move you closer.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: This is your is this your mother?
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: And uh we grew up Lutheran.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: And when I say we were Lutheran, we were Lutheran.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: My dad's uh mother was grew up Catholic, and she had to leave her family to marry my grandfather who was Lutheran, and she was disowned.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: Like my dad never met his grandparents, they never had any relationships whatsoever.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: So we were Lutheran, and I wasn't into it.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I was just really social and I'd go to church and I would get the church bulletin, and I'd be like, get me out of here, check, check, benediction, you know, apostles' creed, check, check, check.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, it just I wasn't didn't have the most biblically driven childhood.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you're not gonna believe this.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: I was really young, but I really, even though I knew Jesus died on the cross, I also thought he died in a plane crash.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: Because we said the Apostles' Creed every Sunday, and it said he suffered under Pontius Pilate.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: So he died in a plane crash by brutal pilot, right?
1:39
SPEAKER_00: But then he also died on the cross.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not sure how that all worked, but just remember that with your kids that they take things very literally, and I was that kid.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, so nonetheless, my parents really I've got, you know, don't wear lip gloss up here or braces.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: I may spit on you guys, but these are all my people right here, so they don't care.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: Uh so at any rate, we had church every Sunday, but my parents just didn't really live it out with us in between uh church services until my freshman year in high school.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: And my dad got saved, which, woo-hoo, right?
2:15
SPEAKER_00: For him.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: The rest of us, whoa, life changed.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: We had weekly family Bible studies.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: We went from church Lutheran, like our Lutheran church was just pretty strict and yeah, all that, to family Bible studies, we're gonna talk about Jesus.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: We all got Jesus, WWJD, what would Jesus do?
2:36
SPEAKER_00: You know, and I'm like, oh my gosh.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: And then my dad would start saying things to us like, Jennifer, we don't say lucky, we say blessed.
2:44
SPEAKER_00: And if my friends and I were all sitting around and talking about the future and college and boyfriends, he would stop and he'd look at us and say, Now, girls, that's if the Lord doesn't return first.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: I mean, wah wah wah.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we were just so over it.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Um, let's see, the worst, uh, what was the best?
3:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: The best was his tracks.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Who here knows about tracks?
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Anybody know about tracks?
3:10
SPEAKER_00: He had these little tracks, cartoon tracks, that he'd hand out to anybody.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: No boundaries, no boundaries.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: We'd be at the mall, my prom.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: He stood at my prom with his camcorder, and then you know that had the strap, you know, and the big box thing and his tracks.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: Jimmy, how's your walk with the Lord?
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Let me give you this track.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: And of course, the track said, Do you want to go to hell?
3:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's really gonna bring us high schoolers to Jesus.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: Um, so one thing I didn't bring up that was a huge part of my childhood was tennis.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: So there's my dad.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: Look at those Sandsabelts, those pants.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: You can't see them there, but they were plaid.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: They were plaid.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: And that's me with my knee knocking, skinny legs, playing tennis.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: And that was a wooden racket, people.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: That's what I grew up playing with was a wooden racket.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so as into Jesus as he was, he was into everything else.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, he was into my tennis, but everything he did was 100%.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: I mean, he was Dave Ramsay before Dave Ramsay was born.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: He saved every bread bag, every grocery bag, every Ziploc bag, every cottage cheese container, every sour cream container.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: Opening our fridge was a game.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: I mean, my friends and I in high school would be like, is it chili or is it butter?
4:24
SPEAKER_00: Is it lasagna or is it sour cream?
4:26
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but we're gonna find out.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: Um The man also, my one of my favorite, favorite stories.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: In fact, I called Melissa the day this happened.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: And there's a whole other story behind this, but I won't even go into it.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: Everybody see what this is right here?
4:42
SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is a garage door opener.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: This is one of the old genie garage door openers.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: And the uh button on it had gotten so worn down that it wouldn't click.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: That's my dad.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Bless his heart, he's not with us anymore.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: And I'm in his Prius, by the way, that he bought not to save the environment, but to save gas.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Um and my knees are like up to here on me because it's this big.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Dad, what is that up there?
5:10
SPEAKER_00: He's like, Well, that's my garage door opener.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: I said, Why does it have a wooden whittled button on it?
5:15
SPEAKER_00: He's like, Well, the button wore down, so I whittled out some wood and I glued it on there.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what are these?
5:22
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Well, that's duct tape.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: But then the duct tape quit working, so I used my bread ties to hold it all together.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: And notice, notice, notice the coupons.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: That's him.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: We never ate out anywhere unless it came out of the coupon book.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: So that was um, that was my dad.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: Um, so with that being said, as intense as he was, imagine what he was like when he saw his daughter have some true God-given talent in tennis.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: So I'm eight years old, and this was my schedule, 6 a.m.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: We get up, I either run three miles, let's go back to, let's go back to how much I needed to be running three miles.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: I was either running three miles or I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, jump ropes, 6 a.m.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: 10 a.m., it's time to go down to the local tennis courts in my little town, and we're gonna drill for two hours, work on forehands, backhands, sirs, over and over.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: Go home, eat lunch, relax a little bit.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: Then we're gonna drive into Des Moines, which was about 20 minutes from where we lived, to the public, the biggest public facility he could find, where he would walk around and stalk all the adult tennis players to find out who who was good enough for his eight-year-old daughter to play a match with.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: I was mortified.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: He would go up and he would approach them and he would say, Would you like to play a match against my eight-year-old daughter?
6:40
SPEAKER_00: And they'd be like, Well, yeah, I'm gonna whoop up on her.
6:43
SPEAKER_00: So I'd go out there and we'd play, and then I would beat him.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: But I would be mortified because I didn't want to beat him, and then my dad would go up and hand him a track and ask him if they wanted to go to hell.
6:53
SPEAKER_00: And they're like, I'm in hell.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And I would go home bawling and crying, and we'd wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: So I don't want to leave out my mom here.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: So let's get to my mom.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: This picture, I don't even have to say anything more.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: This picture says it all.
7:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm blowing out the candles, and she's changing the trash.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: She was the Martha.
7:14
SPEAKER_00: I mean, my dad's behind the camera, he's all in it.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: She's like, why?
7:20
SPEAKER_00: She's blowing out her candles.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: I gotta take this trash out.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it just has to happen.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: But I mean, she probably did bake the cake, and you know, I mean, my dad and I were gone all the time, so somebody had to run the household, and she was just the Martha, and like we all are.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: So she really was a great mom.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: But I just had to share that picture because that's hysterical.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I can't even, yeah, that's that.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: So um, long story short short, oh, that's we don't need to go there yet.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: Look at that.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: I want to go backwards.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, long story short, I got good fast with tennis, but I was playing like 10 hours a day.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: So everybody's, you know, you're gonna get good.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: And my dad was ready to ship me off to Florida to Nick Boloteri's Tennis Academy.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: And like, I was gonna play full-time tennis all year long.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: And um, I just wasn't into it.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to go.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to have a normal childhood and I wanted to quit, but I was scared to tell him because he was he was really into me playing.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: And then I had a seizure and um got rushed to the hospital.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: And I can remember waking up the next morning and my dad was to my right and my mom was to my left, and I just looked at my dad and he had tears in his eyes, and then I didn't even think about it.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: The first thing that came out of my mouth was, Dad, I don't ever want to play tennis again.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: And he looked at me and he said, Sweetie, you don't ever have to play tennis again.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, there is a God.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: Did this really happen?
8:37
SPEAKER_00: And so I looked at him and I said, Dad, I don't ever want to go to school again.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: And he said, No, no.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: So long, long story short, I had nocturnal epilepsy that was controlled through medication, and my next four years were blissful.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I didn't play tennis, I had summer um summers at the pool with my friends, and I got to run track and I played basketball and I played volleyball and I got to work at the dairy suite and have free ice cream and life was good.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: And so then when I turned 16, I thought, you know, I think I want to play tennis again.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: My dad agreed he wouldn't be my coach, and so I gotta go into Des Moines to drive my car to a local tennis club.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: And um, long story short, I ended up getting a scholarship to Washburn, and that's how I got to Topeka.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: And so that was me when I got to Washburn.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: I joined a sorority, and I was on the tennis team, and I was loving life, and I really just spread my wings and flew.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: Once I got, and my dad was great, but I just needed to get away.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: So um get down here, and it is uh great, my freshman year goes great, go back home, come back, get to practice, and there he is.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: He is tan, he is blonde, he is athletic, he is funny, and we strike up this quick friendship that turns into a romance, and we were in love, and it was it was really, really a sweet young love kind of, but you know, it was it was what it was.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: And um, we were together for about a year, and he was my first love, so it was it was everything to me.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: But uh, you know, it wasn't to him, and after about a year, he broke it off with me, and you know, college continued, whatever.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: I was always smitten with him, but we graduate, we move on, I get a job in advertising, he moves on.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: But after about two years in advertising, I thought, I don't want to do this corporate thing, it's a grind, it's not for me.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: I want to get back into tennis.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: And at about the same time I was having those thoughts, I get a call from a gal I used to work for here in Topeka who had gotten the director's um job at a tennis facility down in Texas, and she's like, I have this position for you if you want it, and um this is your chance to get out of get back out of advertising into tennis.
10:44
SPEAKER_00: So I take it, but here's the catch.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: He worked down there too.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: So I'd like to say that I went down there because of the job, but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking maybe this is it, maybe we're supposed to be together.
10:55
SPEAKER_00: So sure enough, I um move down there, go to work, get back into tennis, and within about six to eight weeks, we are back together.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: And but we are back together in the most sleazy, pathetic way possible.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: And I would just, I was still just so in love with him, I guess.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: Now I can look at it and say it wasn't that, I don't think, but at the time I was, and I would just take anything I could get from him, and I really got it.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: I got pregnant.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: And uh we had a lot of long talks about what we were going to do, and I just I just wanted to be with him and I wanted him to love me the way that I loved him, and he uh convinced me that if we had an abortion um that we would be able to move forward and that that wouldn't if we had the baby, we wouldn't be able to be together, you know.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: He just didn't see how that would happen.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: So I agreed and he drove me to the clinic and we had the abortion and he stayed with me that whole day, and it was really brutal.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: He um not he, I was just really sick, the physical cramping from it all was horrendous, the bleeding was horrendous, and mentally what I had just done was starting to sink in.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: And uh but you know, I got through the day and in my sordid, pathetic mind, he was with me, and that was all that mattered, you know.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: Well, he goes home for the night, I try to get some sleep, I don't get much sleep.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: The next day I I I need to talk to somebody.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: I am it is real now to me what I've just I've just taken my baby's life, but I I don't have anybody to talk to about.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: I hadn't told anybody's really, so I'm trying to call him.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't get a hold of him all day.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: Now we didn't have cell phones then, but he just wouldn't return my calls.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: By the like 50th call that night at 10 p.m., his roommate tells me he was out with another girl and I needed to move on.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: So there I am in my bed.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: I am cramping still.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: I am sick to my stomach at what I just did, and I'm just feeling abandoned and heartbroken again from the same boy who had done it to me before.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: And um I remembered, I sat there and I thought, you know what?
13:13
SPEAKER_00: I think I brought all of my dad's poems with me, and that was something I didn't tell you guys.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: He started writing poetry based on scripture, you know, back when he got saved.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: And when he first started writing poems, it was kind of like cat in the hat, you know.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, come on, dad, let's get it together.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: You know, it was but it got a lot better.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: And uh here's a little another picture of dad and I.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: This was actually at my wedding, but it was a good picture of us.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: Isn't he sweet?
13:39
SPEAKER_00: He was so sweet.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so this one poem that really popped off uh the page for me that night was based off of Psalm 23, 4, which we all know.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: Um, even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they will comfort me.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: So here was his poem.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, he says, Be not afraid, for Jesus is here.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are, he'll free you from fear.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: His arms are around you, his love is right there, with all of his comfort, with all of his care.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: So pray to the Lord when you're worried and sad.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: Remember, he loves you, he's not just a fad.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: He tells you quite clearly that you're not to fear.
14:16
SPEAKER_00: Christ lives in your heart, he's closer than near.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: When the depths of despair weigh heavy on you, his love and compassion, your heart he'll repair.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: Just give to the Lord each one of your sorrows.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: He's with you today and all your tomorrows.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: You know, my dad, he he loved me so much, and even though he annoyed me and a lot of people with his lack of boundaries when sharing the good news, it was exactly what God wants from us.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: I mean, God could care less what the world thinks, right?
14:41
SPEAKER_00: I mean, he had this boldness for Jesus that I can only dream of having to this day.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And um, so after I read that poem, I mean, it just made sense.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: I opened my Bible and it all made sense, and I'm like, this is what he meant.
14:53
SPEAKER_00: I thought all this time God just didn't want me to have fun.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm like, I'm not out sleeping around with everybody.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what's the big deal?
15:00
SPEAKER_00: The big deal is protection.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: He's trying to protect me from a situation such as this.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: And so I prayed.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember what the prayer was.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't anything formal, but I just asked Jesus to come into my heart and help me that night.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: And I felt his physical presence.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: It was a hot, heating blanket that wrapped me up.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: I got 12 hours of sleep.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: I woke up refreshed, I called my parents, I told them everything that happened, and they showed me the same love and grace and forgiveness that I'd experienced the night before, and I packed up my stuff and I got the heck out of there, and I moved back to Kansas.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: So now I'm in Kansas, and I'd like to say that I had the same gumption that my dad did right after he got saved, and I was out to just spread the word of Jesus, but I was kind of more like in mud.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: But I was moving forward, it was just a little slower.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: I found myself back with my group of friends, and I would go to church on occasion, but then I'd stay out Saturday night a little too late, and then maybe not go.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: But I was convicted on things I had never been convicted on before, so I knew something was happening.
16:02
SPEAKER_00: And during this time frame, God was uh with me, of course, now, and the Holy Spirit was in me, and I met my cute little hubby up here.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Stephen, and uh we dated and um got serious pretty quick, and I knew I had to tell him about what happened before we could move forward.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: And so I told him, I told him the the whole story about the abortion and um what had happened, and that I, you know, there was somebody else I was actually thinking about marrying, and he didn't care, he didn't judge me for my uh poor choices or for any of that.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: He just loved me through it.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: And so we, you know, we had some ups and downs and a few breakups, but dated for two years, got married, and um I got the job here at Washburn, and we got pregnant with Noah.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: That's baby Noah down there, he's now 13.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: He asked me why at 42 I care to have braces.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, mom, why do you care?
17:00
SPEAKER_00: And I looked at him, I was telling Patty this.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, You're 13 and you stink.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: You should care.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, anyway, that's him.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: He was a lot cuter then.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: And um at so I was pregnant and I was like, this is it.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: I am living the life.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm 30, I have my dream job, I'm coaching at my alma mater, I'm married, I'm pregnant.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: This is exactly where I thought I would be when I turned 30 until I had him.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: And then all hell broke loose.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: And when I say all hell broke loose, I don't mean it in a um frivolous way.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: I mean Satan got a hold of me and he took that abortion and he just started playing games with my head.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't look at my baby for six months.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't tell a soul because that was the same time there was a mom down in Oklahoma who drowned her two babies in the bathtub.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, I could be capable of that.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: Even though I didn't think about doing that, I just looked at him and I saw death, I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw the baby that I had killed.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that sounds harsh, but I knew what I had done that day.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: And when I saw him, that's what I saw.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: And I got to um I got to a point where I don't want to say I was suicidal, but I just had a cry session with God that I said, I don't, I can't live like this.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: I can't live and look at my baby boy and and not see him for the beautiful baby that he is and person that he is.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: And I would sit and I would meditate over that verse about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, think of those things.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: And and he finally, he finally helped me get through it.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: I'd been volunteering at Crisis Pregnancy Outreach here in town.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: And um, there was a woman in the back, and she was about ready to open up another clinic like that called um the Abortion Recovery Center for post-abortive women.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: So she's just in the back room and she's talking to somebody, kind of giving her testimony, but you know, in just more of an intimate setting and telling about this new um facility she wants to open up.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: And I was like a zombie.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: I just, you know, Satan had just gotten a hold of me.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: I I hadn't told a soul.
19:10
SPEAKER_00: I thought if I told anybody, they'd put me in a mental ward.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: And so I I just started like going back there and I'm like, can you tell me more about what you're saying, please?
19:18
SPEAKER_00: And she told me everything.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: She told me about her story.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: I told her what I was feeling, and she said, You're not crazy.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: You're not crazy, and this is normal.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: This is a consequence of sin, but it's normal and you're gonna be okay, and I'm gonna help you get through it.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: And um, and so I was on a mission after that.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I flew out of there on the wings of an eagle or an angel or whatever, but I was free.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: I went home, I told my husband, and I was um ready to change some laws.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: I was ready to help women, I was ready to change the world, and it got obnoxious.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it sounds great, and it sounds like wow, she really took this sin and was gonna turn it around.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: But I mean, good grief.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: I got a little psychotic about it.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was sharing my testimony with anybody, whether whether they wanted to hear it or not.
20:04
SPEAKER_00: And I didn't care what you had to say, I didn't care if you had the exact same experience, but your experience made you feel something different.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I was right, and you're gonna listen to what I had to say, and I was gonna win because it was all about me.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: And it cost me some friendships, it put a wedge um between God and I, and he eventually just told me to shut my mouth.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: And he said, you know what, minds aren't people's hearts aren't going to change, um, or their minds aren't going to change until their hearts change and until they accept Jesus.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: And they're not gonna learn to to accept Jesus or even learn about him by you shoving your opinions down everybody's throat.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: And so I just I just waited for God's prompting.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: And when I did, usually I wasn't prepared, which meant I was humble, and which meant my delivery was softer, and which meant the person I was talking to heard it, I was more able to listen.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, so once I simmered down with all of that and got back into the groove of life, it was really good.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Um and we started trying for baby number two, and uh didn't get pregnant, had two years of infertility, six months of fertility treatments, and then we finally got pregnant with little baby Carson.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: I know it sounds like a boy, but it's a girl.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: She looks sweet.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: You know, Jadobson, she looks very sweet here.
21:27
SPEAKER_00: Um Dobson talks about in Strong Will Child about, you know, there's some babies that come out of the womb with a cigar in their mouth, demanding orders at the doctors.
21:37
SPEAKER_00: That's Carson.
21:38
SPEAKER_00: I I had a name for her, but my friends told me I had to start calling her spicy because it was it probably wasn't as pleasing.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: But I loved her.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
21:46
SPEAKER_00: God's timing was perfect because I got to stay home with this one.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: I was coaching and Noah was in daycare.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: This time I got to stay home and enjoy her.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: And despite all the collikiness and the crying and the sleepless nights, we really did.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: Um Enjoy her.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: And by the time she turned one, we found out we were pregnant with baby number three.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yay.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: With no money, no thousands of dollars being spent in tears, we just found out we were pregnant.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: And so we had Carson's first birthday party, and we got to tell all our friends and our family that we were pregnant.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: And a friend of mine comes up to me and it's like, you know what?
22:19
SPEAKER_00: Carson's left eye isn't tracking right.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Did you notice that?
22:22
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, well, not really, but I'll keep an eye on it.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: And so I did.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: And um, I don't know, talked to the doctor, and the doctor's like, well, it's probably a muscle term problem.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: Let's just keep an eye on it.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: And we did, and then it eventually got worse.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: And so I, by this point, was probably eight and a half months pregnant, eight months pregnant, and I took her in and she failed a red reflex test, which at the time I thankfully didn't really understand the severity of that, but that basically means your retina is detached.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: And so um the doctor just said, Yeah, um, I'm not getting any red reflex here.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: I think you need to get into a specialist sooner than later.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: So I got on the horn and I got us up to Kansas City, I don't know, maybe two or three weeks later, but by this point I was nine months pregnant.
23:07
SPEAKER_00: So we're heading up to Kansas City, we've got Carson.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking we're gonna go up, we're gonna come home with a patch over one eye, you know, the good eye, so that her strong eye, so that the muscle will be better.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: And I get a call on the way up there from a friend saying, Oh, this guy that we worked with, he's dying of colon cancer.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: I mean, he was in his 30s, and Stephen and I have this long conversation about can you imagine being our age and dealing with cancer?
23:30
SPEAKER_00: I can't even imagine that.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: Two hours later, we were told our baby had a malignant tumor in her eye that could possibly be spread to the brain.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: And I was nine months pregnant with Chase.
23:42
SPEAKER_00: So um I don't remember a whole lot.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: Uh we got home and it was just really crazy.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: But one of um one of my most vivid memories was another encounter I had with God.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, we all look at these times.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: We were just talking about the trials, and um we all look at these times as such awful, low, miserable times, and they are, and they're so hard.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: But you know, it's it's these two lowest times of my life that I felt either God's physical or verbal presence.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: And um this time I was just in tears, and I was crying out to him, and I'm like, How can you how can you take my baby girl?
24:27
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we tried so hard for her, and then of course Satan would get in there, and um he would say, Well, why do you even think you deserve her?
24:36
SPEAKER_00: You could you were you were so frivolous with life before.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Why do you even think you deserve this baby girl?
24:41
SPEAKER_00: And um, so we uh I was on my knees, I couldn't sleep, I went into the I was in the bed, and then I went out to the living room and sat on the chair, and then I ended up on my knees in the Ottoman, in front of the Ottoman, just crying.
24:57
SPEAKER_00: And and I heard his verbal voice and he said, Jennifer, do you believe the life you took 11 years ago wasn't yours to take?
25:04
SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yeah, I do believe that.
25:06
SPEAKER_00: It was yours.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: And I 100% did.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: I mean, no doubt about it.
25:10
SPEAKER_00: And he looked at he looked at me, and he didn't look at me, but he said, Then you have to believe Carson's isn't yours to claim.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: She's mine.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: And I just was like, Oh my gosh.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: Only a perfect and loving God can take a sin as awful and ugly as abortion and turn it upside down and inside out to teach me such an amazing lesson.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: Um so here is her the night before the surgery.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if everybody can see me, but that eye there is 100% full of cancer.
25:46
SPEAKER_00: Can't even tell it, can you?
25:48
SPEAKER_00: And we were just taking so many pictures, trying to just catch every moment.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: There's my big belly with Chase.
25:56
SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, that night, that was before my encounter with God that night.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: And we had no idea what was what was gonna happen with her and whether she was going to live or die right there.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I, you know, and it really, and it wasn't that easy either, him just telling me that.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: I had to get real with myself, and I had to say, what is my greatest fear here?
26:21
SPEAKER_00: My greatest fear is that my daughter's going to die.
26:23
SPEAKER_00: So what does that mean?
26:24
SPEAKER_00: Does that mean I don't trust God's promises about eternity in heaven?
26:28
SPEAKER_00: And why am I, you know, what am I gonna do?
26:32
SPEAKER_00: How am I gonna live on if I lose my baby?
26:34
SPEAKER_00: Does that mean I don't trust his promises for me here on earth?
26:37
SPEAKER_00: And is God punishing me because I took the life of my child?
26:40
SPEAKER_00: Well, then that means I don't even believe why Jesus died on the cross for my sins.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: You know, I had to get over it.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I was yelling, Lord, I believe, help my un my unbelief.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: And um, so with that, um, I started to move forward and he carried me through this journey.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: And I still cried and I prayed a lot that he'd save her life.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I was okay.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: I I don't want to say I was okay.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: I had peace about it if he didn't.
27:06
SPEAKER_00: And so we uh the next day after this, we went to Kansas City and she had her um, they had to go in for surgery to just see if the cancer had gone into her brain.
27:19
SPEAKER_00: And after surgery, they were pretty sure it hadn't, but they had to send the eye off for um pathology.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: So this was her right after surgery, and then this is her as it started to heal, and then here you can't really see it too well.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: Um, but you can in this next picture.
27:39
SPEAKER_00: She's got a clear spacer in there so that when the eye is healing, when it comes, when you have your eye removed, they put a clear spacer in there that is basically a prosthetic eye that doesn't have an eye painted on it.
27:50
SPEAKER_00: And so that way your eye heals with it open, so that when you get the prosthetic eye, um you can wear it and your eye doesn't heal, you know, grow shut.
28:00
SPEAKER_00: Uh so you know, with all this serious talk though, um hold on, let me go back, let me move forward.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: This was her then, that's her with her prosthetic eye.
28:11
SPEAKER_00: Look at how perfect that is.
28:13
SPEAKER_00: There are like how many ocularists are there in the country?
28:17
SPEAKER_00: Not many.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, hardly any.
28:19
SPEAKER_00: And there's one of the best is in Kansas City.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: He's like an artist and amazing.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that was her first prosthetic guy.
28:25
SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, I'm gonna move it back to this one, just so you can kind of have an idea of some of these stories I'm about to share.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: Uh so, with all the serious talk, though, just like you said, I really believe God has a sense of humor, and especially with me, he uses it just because I'm one that relates to laughter.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: And, you know, as a mother, I just never thought in a million years I'd say things like, Carson, don't drink milk out of your eye.
28:50
SPEAKER_00: Carson, did you just spit your eye out of your mouth?
28:54
SPEAKER_00: And Carson, did you just throw your eye on Chase's poopy diaper?
28:58
SPEAKER_00: All those things happened to me.
29:00
SPEAKER_00: You know, she was not even two yet when she got her prosthetic eye.
29:05
SPEAKER_00: She was 21 months when she got that prosthetic eye, and it's not, it's not a glass ball.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: You know, people think a prosthetic eye is this round, and some people even think a prosthetic eye is surgically implanted.
29:17
SPEAKER_00: That's not how it works.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: It is, yeah, I mean, you the inside of your eye looks like the inside of your mouth.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: It's pink, and when your other eye moves, when she has her eye out, because it comes out, she has to wash it and whatnot.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: When it's out and her her good eye is moving, you can see the muscles in there move.
29:36
SPEAKER_00: So when you put your prosthetic eye in there, it actually moves them.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: Well, the prosthetic eye now is acrylic and it's shaped like a lens almost, but a thick lens, and it goes in like this, right?
29:48
SPEAKER_00: And then it just moves better since it's not a ball.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: So with that being said, it's you know, you finish your cereal and you're like, I don't, my spoon's kind of crusty.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna pop it out and start slurping my milk out.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what else do you do?
30:02
SPEAKER_00: You're 20 months old.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, you're we're driving, we're driving down the road, and let me tell you, these prosthetic eyes are like$3,500, and I had to fight tooth and nail to get insurance to cover it because they said it was for cosmetic reasons.
30:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, whatever.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so we're driving, I'm driving, and I hear this in the back seat.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: And then and I'm like, Carson, did you just loogie your eye out of your mouth?
30:31
SPEAKER_00: She's like, I mean, we couldn't find it, we had to take all the seats out.
30:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, it was awful.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: It was awful.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: Um, we're down at Applemart in Auburn, because at this point I live down closer to Auburn than I did to Pika.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: And she's in her cart and we're checking out, and she would get goopies, and she still does.
30:49
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you have an artificial thing in your eye, and matter's gonna build up because your body just reacts to it as something foreign.
30:57
SPEAKER_00: And so she looks up at me and she's like, Mommy, I have goopies in my eye, and she hands me her eyeball.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: Cashier's there, farmers behind me, and I'm like, what do I say here?
31:07
SPEAKER_00: Do I turn around and say, Here's the whole cancer story, or do I look at her and say, now, Carson, mommy told you to keep your eyeball in your eye socket at the grocery store.
31:17
SPEAKER_00: And that's what I did.
31:17
SPEAKER_00: And I think the farmer passed out.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: The worst, not the worst, the best story.
31:24
SPEAKER_00: And Melissa might was my neighbor then, gostered.
31:26
SPEAKER_00: She might remember this.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: I had just changed the worst poopy diaper ever.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I am on the floor.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: I've got Chase's legs underneath my legs, I've got poop everywhere.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to clean him up.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: Carson walks over to me and she says, Mommy, I think I'm gonna be sick.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: And she barfs all about me, pops her eye out, pops it down in there.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how all of you deal with stress.
31:50
SPEAKER_00: Mine's in my upper stomach.
31:51
SPEAKER_00: And so I just like laid back and I'm like, I need a Tums.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: And I think I even tried to call you when I couldn't get a hold of you, and it was awful.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: Um, so at any rate, with all of these funny stories, um that's the three of them now.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: Look at her, she's still and she's cute, but she's on re so that's Noah, and that's Chase.
32:14
SPEAKER_00: That's my youngest, that's Carson.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: But as fun as these stories are, God really just wove all these experiences in my life together to bring him glory and to bring me wisdom.
32:24
SPEAKER_00: And what more could I ask for?
32:26
SPEAKER_00: I would like to say that I have stayed so deeply entrenched in my Bible and in my prayer life since then.
32:32
SPEAKER_00: Um but like most of us, I've had my peaks and my valleys with that.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: And it makes me so mad that I can't be humbled in the normal sea of life and even in the highs to feel his presence like I did in the lows.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: But I guess that's why he says the hardships are special, right?
32:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't know how many of you were at church last Sunday, but Jim spoke on this very thing.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: And as I walked out of church, one of his quotes has just really stuck with me.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: And he said, suffering is an opportunity to grow, to become better, not bitter.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: And it feels good to be better.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: And I pray that for all of you.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.