Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Holidays (Pt. 1) | Ep. 10

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Holidays (Pt. 1) | Ep. 10 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Cheryl (2): This is our first episode on holidays.
• 1:05
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 1:06
  Christie: I am so sorry.
• 1:07
  Christie: I was late today.
• 1:09
  Christie: I got a call just a little bit before I was supposed to be here and my daughter locked her keys in her car yet.
• 1:15
  Christie: Again, I hate that.
• 1:17
  Christie: So I'm sitting there wondering, okay, am I going to drop what I'm doing and be late for my plans or make her have to figure it out.
• 1:26
  Christie: And I had this great plan for her to figure it out that fell through.
• 1:30
  Christie: So that gave me.
• 1:32
  Christie: My answer of how my day was going to go,
• 1:35
  Danae: yeah.
• 1:35
  Danae: Well, so did everything work out with your daughter?
• 1:39
  Danae: Cute earrings
• 1:39
  Christie: by the Yeah.
• 1:44
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:44
  Christie: I went to the house, got the extra keys, took the tumor and her Chick-fil-A was cold.
• 1:51
  Christie: So that made me feel a little
• 1:55
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Danae: Well, when I got your text that you were going to be a few minutes late, that gave me what.
• 2:01
  Danae: Last chance to do all these plans that had been in my head all morning, because I wanted to start celebrating the holidays.
• 2:07
  Danae: Um, as you guys
• 2:12
  Ellen: walked in with those giant Christmas tree
• 2:15
  Danae: earrings,
• 2:17
  Ellen: Cause I was going to say, you should have turkeys on your ear.
• 2:20
  Danae: So just for today, I thought I'd celebrate the holidays a little bit.
• 2:23
  Danae: So they are going to be talking
• 2:25
  Cheryl: about.
• 2:25
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 2:26
  Ellen: Because of the pandemic, it seems like people really want to celebrate.
• 2:30
  Ellen: And they're really excited because I mean, everything is ready for Christmas and Thanksgiving is kind of a side thought.
• 2:36
  Ellen: People
• 2:36
  Danae: just want to
• 2:37
  Christie: have fun typically.
• 2:39
  Christie: With my Thanksgiving, don't celebrate Christmas, intellectual, but I'm even ready this year.
• 2:45
  Danae: well, you be a few minutes late.
• 2:47
  Danae: I was actually going to give me more excuse to kind of overdo, which is what I tend to do in the holidays, which is what we're talking about I wanted to today, uh, even more so the Christmas spirit, So as you guys know, I'm in grad school, so I always have a way more work to do than I have.
• 3:07
  Danae: And then I'm sitting and writing my paper and I start having this thought, I know maybe I have enough time to bake some Christmas cookies.
• 3:14
  Danae: And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I can't do that.
• 3:17
  Danae: Or don't have time.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: You mean you were going to do that this morning?
• 3:21
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 3:22
  Danae: Yeah.
• 3:24
  Danae: I know.
• 3:25
  Danae: I know because.
• 3:26
  Danae: You know, overdoing, we always get lots of praise for overdoing.
• 3:30
  Danae: I
• 3:30
  Ellen: nevermind.
• 3:31
  Ellen: If other people are overdue, it involves me
• 3:33
  Danae: getting something out of it.
• 3:37
  Danae: to support each other.
• 3:38
  Danae: So then I'm back to work.
• 3:39
  Danae: I'm back to work.
• 3:40
  Danae: Well, I could run to the store and get some candy canes so we can all have candy.
• 3:47
  Danae: So then after Christy texted that she has me late, I, and I was driving here.
• 3:51
  Danae: I ran, I was going by the grocery store and I had that last.
• 3:56
  Danae: I have five minutes.
• 3:57
  Danae: I could just run it.
• 3:59
  Danae: I'm sure they have something I can
• 4:00
  Christie: grab real quick.
• 4:02
  Danae: Even though I stopped myself say, Denae, you do not have time.
• 4:05
  Christie: Maybe I have another daughter lock another set of keys.
• 4:10
  Danae: It's really good about myself, that I didn't do all of those things.
• 4:13
  Danae: You brought
• 4:14
  Ellen: my expectations up.
• 4:15
  Ellen: So next way you
• 4:16
  Danae: better bring this out.
• 4:18
  Danae: I'll start planning now.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: One of the things I love about this is the three of you are more that way you are the planners, you are the make it look really beautiful and ambience.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: I want that, but I'm just more practical and I just enjoy it.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: And I can't, I don't have the capacity to do all this.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: And so which leads real well to what we're going to be talking about today, it's exciting because a lot of moms are beginning to send us questions.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so fun.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: And so now we know what they want to talk about.
• 4:50
  Cheryl (2): So actually I've got
• 4:51
  Cheryl: questions here that moms have sent in.
• 4:53
  Cheryl: And I thought if it's okay with y'all, we'll just kind of go down through some of these and talk about them.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: Y'all want to do that.
• 4:58
  Cheryl: Sounds great.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:59
  Cheryl: And the first one.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: Absolutely deals directly with what we just were talking about.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: So let me read that I've put a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect.
• 5:10
  Cheryl: And because I come nowhere close, I feel so defeated all the time.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: I know that's not what it's all about, but I get caught up in the middle of trying to create good family, traditions and memories for our family.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: But not making all the stuff.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: I love the feeling of home and warmly decorated for the holidays, but also that each one knows they're deeply loved and welcomed I just feel a lot of pressure to measure up.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Do y'all in any way?
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Identify with her.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: I mean, this is me.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: When I listen to all that you all do.
• 5:46
  Cheryl: It's my family missing out I understand what she's talking about.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: Oh
• 5:50
  Danae: man.
• 5:51
  Danae: Absolutely.
• 5:51
  Danae: Yes.
• 5:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:54
  Ellen: I think the Pinterest perfect Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever it is, there's Pinterest to make us feel bad that
• 6:02
  Christie: we're not doing as much you do.
• 6:04
  Christie: It seems like somebody else's doing more better.
• 6:08
  Christie: Right.
• 6:08
  Danae: So what are the issues is comparing ourselves and having those expectations we put on ourselves to do it.
• 6:14
  Danae: Yeah.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: So what do we do?
• 6:17
  Cheryl: I mean, that is something I'm so thankful that I'm still.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Just 20 and 30 and 40 years old.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: because the truth is I'm actually more mature than I used to be.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: And so this issue doesn't stab the way it used to.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Um, particularly losing bill, we just had to change in the financial situation.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: I'm not creative.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: I would have to, uh, use a lot of money to do all those things.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: And so then I wondered, are we missing out?
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Am I second rate Christmas?
• 6:57
  Cheryl: Because I can't do what you all could do.
• 6:59
  Cheryl: Ellen, how many different kinds of cookies.
• 7:03
  Cheryl: Dozens.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: How many kinds of cookies did you use to make it?
• 7:06
  Ellen: Well, one time, I think my shop number was 15 types of cookies,
• 7:11
  Danae: but by now you are in charge of bringing cookies but if you ask anybody now I
• 7:17
  Ellen: rarely make cookies.
• 7:18
  Ellen: I've delegated that to everyone else in the family.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: So also you've given me good cookies because you also now go and buy really good.
• 7:29
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:29
  Ellen: I found a place that just does the.
• 7:32
  Ellen: Cut out Christmas cookies, don't have to bake them.
• 7:34
  Ellen: And then my grandchildren come over now and then they get to decorate them.
• 7:38
  Ellen: So, you know, it's one of those things, but I know for us when, um, We were military for 30 years.
• 7:47
  Ellen: And so we were always moving.
• 7:49
  Ellen: We rarely celebrated Christmases in the same home for very many years.
• 7:54
  Ellen: So I felt a really strong drive to make sure that the Christmas traditions we had weren't about where we lived, but they were things that we could take with us.
• 8:05
  Ellen: If we're living in the Philippines.
• 8:07
  Ellen: If we're living in Texas, if we're living in the Dakotas, wherever we lived, it was.
• 8:13
  Ellen: Stuff that what I make sure that would be their Christmas memories, not the fireplace because I've certainly never had a fireplace base housing.
• 8:22
  Ellen: So, you know, that for me was a big motivation.
• 8:25
  Danae: And what was one of your favorite things when you're sitting and talking about all of those, like what's coming into your mind, something that you would take with you and always put up, so you'd have that consistency.
• 8:37
  Ellen: Well, I'm one of those people.
• 8:39
  Ellen: I'd like to do things different all the time.
• 8:42
  Ellen: So, you know, we always had the, the stockings, wherever we could put them up and things like that.
• 8:47
  Ellen: But I have a funny story that just kind of not answering the question, but what, this is one of my favorite Christmas stories.
• 8:52
  Ellen: When my son, John was probably.
• 8:55
  Ellen: Five or six way central.
• 8:58
  Ellen: You cannot touch a Christmas tree.
• 8:59
  Ellen: Don't touch the Christmas tree.
• 9:01
  Ellen: It'll fall down.
• 9:02
  Ellen: You can stand right next to it and looking at, but don't touch it.
• 9:05
  Ellen: So I left the room, came back a little later and he was licking.
• 9:12
  Ellen: And he said, John, you're not supposed to touch the Christmas tree.
• 9:15
  Ellen: He goes, I'm not, I'm touching it
• 9:17
  Danae: with my tongue.
• 9:20
  Danae: He was like, probably about six.
• 9:22
  Danae: Oh know.
• 9:23
  Ellen: And he sort of thought it through between four and six.
• 9:25
  Ellen: I think
• 9:25
  Cheryl: All right.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: But let's, let's go back to this mom though.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: I'm the words I heard from her is she wants to make it perfect.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: There's that word again?
• 9:33
  Cheryl: She feels so defeated.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: She wants that heart, the Pinterest heart, the perfect thing, but she can't get all of this.
• 9:44
  Danae: Yeah.
• 9:44
  Danae: It's like, we think that if we have everything perfect, then that's what will give.
• 9:50
  Danae: The warmth and the connection with our family.
• 9:54
  Danae: And that can just be such a lie.
• 9:56
  Danae: I know Ellen's been talking a lot about how much she loves doing all the different things.
• 10:00
  Danae: And that's great that if her motivation was, if I do these perfect things, then I'll feel connected and love from my family, then that may not work
• 10:11
  Cheryl: out.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: So let me ask you when you were young.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: Was that kind of your thought, if I do all of this, it will give me the holiday memories that I.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: I don't
• 10:24
  Ellen: think I thought that deeply.
• 10:27
  Ellen: No, I mean, I don't know.
• 10:28
  Ellen: I just, I liked that, you know, I liked making stuff.
• 10:32
  Ellen: Well, I was going to say, when we were young enlisted in the military, we didn't have any money.
• 10:37
  Ellen: We were legally in financially the poverty level.
• 10:40
  Ellen: So it was kind of the mother of necessity.
• 10:43
  Ellen: I made a lot of things.
• 10:45
  Ellen: Most of the ornaments and the things I did were things we could do very inexpensively, but I could use my creativity.
• 10:53
  Ellen: And so I'm naturally a very creative person.
• 10:56
  Ellen: So that was one way I could express it during the holidays.
• 10:59
  Ellen: But most people got homemade gifts from me, home-baked gifts from me.
• 11:04
  Ellen: And then, you know, that's how we decorated our tree.
• 11:06
  Ellen: We made
• 11:07
  Cheryl: ornaments.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: I mean, here we are three quarters of you are good at that.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: I mean, I've seen your decorations, your cookies.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Do you still make cookies?
• 11:16
  Christie: No short, short, short answers.
• 11:19
  Christie: No, it's a lot of work
• 11:21
  Ellen: maybe next week.
• 11:24
  Danae: You know what this makes me think of is a phrase I tell myself often and it's really freed me a lot.
• 11:30
  Danae: Just because I can doesn't mean I should.
• 11:34
  Danae: And that'll just come into my mind that just when you said that, just because I can make beautiful cookies, just because I could have run into the store.
• 11:42
  Danae: And within five minutes had some really fun, you know, festive things for us to enjoy.
• 11:47
  Danae: I had to stop and think is that really the best use of
• 11:50
  Christie: my time?
• 11:51
  Christie: In fact, we have yearly a baking day.
• 11:54
  Christie: My mom, my sister.
• 11:55
  Christie: Um, my, my girls and we will spend the whole day making cookies and we come out with, you know, I don't know, 20, 30 dozen cookies.
• 12:06
  Christie: Uh, a variety of kind, but the other option is for me to make the cookies that Cheryl's referencing, I could spend all day, actually three days and come out with two dozen beautiful cookies, but it's much better to have the memories and the meaning behind, you know, a messy kitchen with flour everywhere, and a lot of people rolling out dough.
• 12:25
  Cheryl: and so y'all understand some of the measuring up in the concept.
• 12:28
  Cheryl: She's talking here.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: I identify because I'm the outlier here.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: My Christmas cookies look like, you know, a 10 year old I'm not artistic.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: And you said the creativity, my creativity is developing relationships and having fun.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: And what do y'all want to do and investing there.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: And it just took me a long time to grow up enough where that pressure of the three of you and all of your worlds.
• 13:00
  Cheryl: I didn't feel that.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: And I wasn't in a position to go out and purchase all of it.
• 13:05
  Danae: I hear what you're saying, Cheryl, but.
• 13:07
  Danae: I'll speak for me.
• 13:08
  Danae: I mean, I always put so much pressure on myself.
• 13:12
  Danae: I have to reevaluate and talk to myself about it every year.
• 13:16
  Christie: I think the important thing is to consider your family and their, their needs and their desires.
• 13:21
  Christie: My daughter, um, recently found out she needs to follow a gluten-free diet.
• 13:26
  Christie: Oh, that's so it is hard.
• 13:28
  Christie: And so I was asking her and I've been looking at recipes and thinking all the things I can do.
• 13:33
  Christie: So I asked her, you know, what are some of the dishes that you are really, that are really important to you that we could, I could replace.
• 13:38
  Christie: And so I'm showing her all these elaborate recipes.
• 13:41
  Christie: She said, I'm fine with a scoop of ice cream for my dessert.
• 13:44
  Christie: Like I said, I don't need all of that.
• 13:46
  Christie: You need all of that.
• 13:48
  Christie: That's really made me look at my motives.
• 13:51
  Christie: You know, is it that I have a beautiful table and impressive desserts?
• 13:54
  Christie: Or is it that I want to love my family?
• 13:56
  Christie: Well, and so learning what her, her preferences were, were important there.
• 14:02
  Danae: Yeah.
• 14:02
  Danae: That happened to my family several years ago.
• 14:05
  Danae: And it's really hard.
• 14:06
  Danae: It's been a journey.
• 14:08
  Danae: Uh, we'll have to talk about that
• 14:09
  Christie: later for sure.
• 14:12
  Christie: And I
• 14:12
  Ellen: told my kids.
• 14:13
  Ellen: Especially, my daughters don't do as much as I did, you know, so they could kind of not feel that pressure.
• 14:19
  Ellen: And many times I hear them say, oh, we're just go my mom's house.
• 14:22
  Ellen: She'll do it, but it's not, uh, you know, letting them know that they don't have to follow.
• 14:33
  Ellen: Um, footstep of doing all that stuff, they can make it their
• 14:36
  Cheryl: own.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: But what I heard from you though, cause now we're talking about our children aging and how there's so many aspects of the holidays of things changing.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: And so there are some more serious changes which maybe we can talk about, but just as your children age, it changes.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Uh, holidays are fun from four to eight because everything is magical and, and you can, you know, just all of it.
• 15:03
  Cheryl: There's so much energy and it's a delight and then it kind of changes.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: And you were saying, Alan, how you do that, but that it's hard for you because this year your son wants to host and.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: You're feeling a loss in that.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: A
• 15:18
  Ellen: little bit, you know, and then my practical psychos, oh, I don't have to do too
• 15:22
  Cheryl: much.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: That's what
• 15:24
  Ellen: I would pay now.
• 15:25
  Ellen: So it's just, I think we forget that life changes and it doesn't stay the same.
• 15:32
  Ellen: And especially being a military wife where we move so much, you know, we, we never were in the same place and doing the same thing.
• 15:39
  Ellen: So when sometimes we were near family, sometimes we weren't.
• 15:41
  Ellen: So we kind of had to figure out how to do.
• 15:44
  Ellen: What works for us,
• 15:46
  Danae: kind of going back to her question about the expectations that it makes me think about.
• 15:52
  Danae: I'm thinking of the things that are important to us, what our priorities are, are the, our big rocks.
• 15:58
  Danae: And I was shown that.
• 16:00
  Danae: You know, I think back when I was a kid in children's church, actually, um, where someone had a big glass vase and there were rocks and there were pebbles and there was sand lying by the vase.
• 16:17
  Danae: And the first time they put all the sand in and they put all the pebbles in and then they tried to fit these big three rocks in and they wouldn't.
• 16:28
  Danae: Into the container.
• 16:30
  Danae: And so then they dumped it all out and they started over and they put the three big rocks in the container first, then put in the pebbles and then if you can see it in your mind that sand, they poured it in and it shifted down and they got everything in the container.
• 16:46
  Danae: So I know, I, I think about that a lot about like, Big rocks, because if I'm trying to fill, you know, I only have so much time.
• 16:53
  Danae: I only have so much energy and I only have so much money.
• 16:56
  Danae: And if I am pitting in, you know, the little itty bitty things first that maybe don't matter to my kids as much my extended family or.
• 17:05
  Danae: I, I may not get those few things that are the most
• 17:08
  Cheryl: important.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: Well, in addition, you're exhausted the pressure and by the time, how can you enjoy it?
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Because you're exhausted.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: I really liked that.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: That's such an excellent visual.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Um, and as we're talking about our older kids, we alluded to it, but asking the, my older children, do you care about that?
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Because it's surprising what comes up uh, When we moved back to Oklahoma city, we had lived away from family.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: And for the first time ever, we moved back here where Bill's family lived and their style and way of celebrating holidays and things was radically different from what I grew up with.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: And, you know, that just influences you so much.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: And, and then the way we had done with our family, for example, they actually had Christmas celebrate on Christmas Eve.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: And then they would go to a movie or do something on Christmas day.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: To me that was like, there's no way, how can you consider that a holiday?
• 18:09
  Cheryl: You know?
• 18:10
  Cheryl: And so when it came to the Thanksgiving, My mother-in-law would host it at her home and she would fix the main things.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: And then we brought side dishes and things like that.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: And so I thought, okay, well, I'm getting off a little easy here.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: And the kids just drew a line in the sand and said, oh no, we have to start all over again tomorrow.
• 18:32
  Cheryl: So all those years we did our Thanksgiving.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: That was our way that the other was sharing it with extended family, but this was ours and I didn't regret it because that said how much it meant to them.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: And I go all of it, they go, yes, all of it, mom.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: Because you're talking about big rocks, it was my family.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: That was my big rock.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: So I didn't mind coming back around and doing all of it again.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: And the same thing with, um, on Christmas morning, all these years.
• 19:06
  Ellen: And I think that's a really important point that you're making because for the younger moms that are out there that are just starting their traditions, think through your traditions because your kids are going to want you to do those traditions for years and years and years, because that will mean Christmas or the holiday to them.
• 19:24
  Ellen: And so think through how much you can do, how much you want to do, what's the most meaningful because you don't want to be.
• 19:33
  Ellen: Feeling like you're the bad mom.
• 19:35
  Ellen: Cause you can't do the 20 things you did when you were a little younger,
• 19:40
  Danae: you know, I agree with you.
• 19:41
  Danae: But I think there, there also is a place to.
• 19:44
  Danae: To new renegotiate and to start over, I think we have to do that.
• 19:47
  Danae: I know with my circumstance,
• 19:50
  Cheryl: you know, didn't I explain because we had to do the same thing.
• 19:53
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Danae: So, um, after, um, my divorce finances were very different and, and also just emotional capacity for myself and for my kids.
• 20:05
  Danae: And so I had.
• 20:07
  Danae: You know, strong desire to make everything maybe even better than it was before thinking that would, would solve the hurt.
• 20:16
  Danae: And, and I couldn't, you know, I, I could not physically, emotionally, financially, and, um, when I went to my kids and asked them, okay, so what, what is one of your, or maybe a couple of your favorite things?
• 20:29
  Danae: And they all said the stock.
• 20:32
  Danae: And I think I just kind of crumbled a little bit because I thought, oh no, you know, the stocking is the one that takes all the time and all the planning it's been fun in the past.
• 20:41
  Danae: You know, as you were saying, um, Alan, that, you know, this Ben traditions will all of a sudden it.
• 20:47
  Danae: It didn't seem fun anymore.
• 20:49
  Danae: And it was a lot of money that, um, you know, to fill those big stockings and that expectation was there, but because they were older, some of them, I was able to go to them and say, Hey, oh, it took, so it was so hard for me, but I went to them and said, Hey, you know, it can't be like it was.
• 21:07
  Danae: And they, I couldn't believe it.
• 21:09
  Danae: I'm getting chill bumps since I'm talking about.
• 21:10
  Danae: They said, mom that's okay.
• 21:12
  Danae: We, we, we just want the stockings filled.
• 21:14
  Danae: It doesn't have to be all of that.
• 21:16
  Danae: It could be a pair of socks and a pen, you know?
• 21:18
  Danae: And, um, that really let me off the hook with that.
• 21:22
  Danae: And now actually with stockings, we, everybody contributes to the stockings I had to let go of.
• 21:28
  Danae: Just all of that control.
• 21:29
  Danae: I think back to the question that the listener sent in, a lot of those expectations were about me feeling like I needed to do it all that I was in control of this whole household and everything that happened.
• 21:43
  Danae: And this has been part of it is relinquishing that to my kids has helped a lot.
• 21:48
  Christie: I love that.
• 21:48
  Christie: I love that example of just, you know, family coming together.
• 21:53
  Christie: And you being honest with your kids.
• 21:55
  Christie: And then deciding, okay.
• 21:56
  Christie: The goal is that we all celebrate together, that we all feel loved and, and we can.
• 22:02
  Christie: Prioritize just being together.
• 22:04
  Christie: Not that mom carries this heavy burden alone and that they came alongside
• 22:09
  Cheryl: and I'm thinking of moms that are listening, that either they're in a financial place that can do what they would like to do, Pinterest or any hallmark movie or whatever it is.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: This imaginary.
• 22:23
  Cheryl: Christmas and either their circumstances have changed or they can't do it.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: So I love the big rocks.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: I liked what you said, Alan, about thinking through it and having reasonable plan for let's start doing this in your case.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: And in my case, we kind of tried to come up with some new, um, traditions because when we lost bill, that was it.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: The holidays.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: Gray and it was really hard.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: And then another thing that's changed it, not only that losing bill, but as my kids grew, the.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: They wouldn't be as involved all of that.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: And so we came back and that's what we now do because they love the stockings too.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: And if you had pulled me, I would have not known that stockings were such a big deal.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: And now what everybody does is they bring their own stuff and we have the stockings down.
• 23:19
  Cheryl: And when nobody's noticing, then you go in and we're putting things in each other's stockings and there it's just become a really good tradition.
• 23:29
  Cheryl: But we had to talk about.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: And then start a new tradition.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: You know,
• 23:33
  Christie: you talk about the kids getting older and we've always loved having just things sprinkled through the whole holiday season.
• 23:40
  Christie: And my girls, two of my girls are now out of the house and I've been just trying to think, what are, you know, how are we going to feel connected?
• 23:47
  Christie: Like we're celebrating the whole month and because some of them won't be here until the day of, and so.
• 23:54
  Christie: Kind of fun idea and we'll, I'll let you know how it, if it actually turns out to be as great as I hoped it will be, but, um, everyone's going to write some little note for each family member, like a little encouragement or prayer, you know, wish for the, the new year and put those in their stockings this year.
• 24:13
  Christie: So my thought was that keeps us connected in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
• 24:18
  Christie: So yeah, it really does have to adapt.
• 24:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:21
  Christie: Circumstances change.
• 24:23
  Ellen: And you know, I know you've done this, but for younger moms, as you're starting your tradition, you stay away from materialism.
• 24:30
  Ellen: If you can help it, there's so much pressure for kids to think they should get all this.
• 24:37
  Ellen: And their lists are really long and things like that.
• 24:40
  Ellen: But if you start really in the beginning, start teaching them.
• 24:43
  Ellen: Now this is for other people and we've always.
• 24:47
  Ellen: Not made the gift giving at Christmas very big.
• 24:50
  Ellen: We do more of their birthdays.
• 24:52
  Ellen: Okay.
• 24:52
  Ellen: And so Christmas time is pretty mellow on gift giving.
• 24:56
  Ellen: And it's really about bringing lots of people into our home and doing
• 25:00
  Cheryl: things with people and Ellen, there are several moms that, that's what they said.
• 25:04
  Cheryl: What do we do with the materialism?
• 25:06
  Cheryl: And it's not just Christmas because we're talking about the whole holidays, including Thanksgiving, or if someone celebrates Hanukkah, all of these because I don't know, it's Western culture, but also because of electronic media and all the devices, we see all of this and it just ramps up and they're all kind of, you know, studies, you see things and it makes you discontent.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: I like the word Thanksgiving is to give thanks and to.
• 25:37
  Cheryl: Refocus my children while I can to the thankfulness.
• 25:41
  Cheryl: And, um, when we were little, we would do.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: Uh, get someone else to draw it because I can't, but we put a huge tree, uh, draw a tree that just branches and then every day they would write something.
• 25:54
  Cheryl: Everybody would pass out and everybody write a thing, something they're thankful for.
• 25:57
  Cheryl: We would do that.
• 25:58
  Cheryl: Well, a little bit corny now that everybody's grown.
• 26:01
  Cheryl: But we still do it.
• 26:03
  Cheryl: Try to go around the table and talk about what we're thankful for and if somebody is comfortable, but bringing it in.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: And it's just what you set out on.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: Very different.
• 26:11
  Ellen: And we tried to keep the materialism down at Christmas, having five children.
• 26:16
  Ellen: We w always drew names once I kind of got old enough so that we didn't have everybody had to buy everybody a gift.
• 26:23
  Ellen: You just got that person's name.
• 26:24
  Ellen: And obviously when they were young, we helped him pick what.
• 26:28
  Ellen: With the gift would be or whatever, but that kept like really simple too.
• 26:31
  Ellen: And it took the focus off themselves and they got to delight in what they were going to get their brother, their sister, or their mom or their dad or whatever.
• 26:38
  Ellen: And we just tried to keep that part simple.
• 26:40
  Ellen: I mean, I liked doing all the foofy stuff, but they participated in all that.
• 26:45
  Ellen: I wasn't like over in a corner doing it alone.
• 26:48
  Ellen: They were, you know, they were decorating Christmas ornaments and Christmas cookies and things like that.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: So we're saying.
• 26:56
  Cheryl: Expectations and perfection and materialism.
• 27:01
  Cheryl: Were you seeing your style and find all of that wherever you are, because if you are a.
• 27:09
  Cheryl: Working mom, you're a student as well as having children at home and a full life, whatever it is, getting old
• 27:17
  Ellen: and tired
• 27:23
  Cheryl: I would love for us to give moms the gift, the freedom to be themselves, and to enjoy what they have.
• 27:31
  Cheryl: And what you're saying is simplified.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: And start working on your big rocks, even if it's that we always have Coco something, on Thanksgiving.
• 27:43
  Cheryl: Oh, I'll tell you one example.
• 27:46
  Cheryl: Our family, a few years ago, one of my children said,, okay, there's Christmas day.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: Well, what comes before that is Christmas Eve.
• 27:55
  Cheryl: Well, what became before Eve in the biblical story is Adam.
• 27:59
  Cheryl: So we invented our own.
• 28:02
  Cheryl: Celebration of Christmas, Adam.
• 28:04
  Cheryl: And then we have just weird things that we do.
• 28:06
  Cheryl: We go out for Vietnamese, for soup, which doesn't make any sense, but it's what is a traditional enemy.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: And so.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: Invent fun things on a tiny budget or a tiny time budget.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: That's what I wish moms could get from this.
• 28:23
  Cheryl: And I
• 28:24
  Danae: love that because you know, there's not a Pinterest board on Christmas, Adam.
• 28:28
  Danae: Yeah.
• 28:30
  Cheryl: But it's fun because actually two years ago We went to get it.
• 28:34
  Cheryl: And our family was there and there was another family who had heard from us about it.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: And they said, we're here.
• 28:40
  Cheryl: We're celebrating Christmas Adams.
• 28:42
  Cheryl: Oh my goodness.
• 28:43
  Danae: All the restaurants are so happy right now.
• 28:48
  Cheryl: Okay ladies.
• 28:49
  Cheryl: Again, our time has run out here, but we have just begun discussing list.
• 28:54
  Cheryl: So come back and let's go again.
• 28:56
  Cheryl: Talk about, the holidays and address some what we have so many questions at moms.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: You'd love to hear
• 29:04
  Danae: more.
• 29:05
  Danae: And
• 29:05
  Ellen: I want some Christmas cookies.
• 29:13
  Danae: make them for
• 29:14
  Cheryl: me.
• 29:15
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: moms Why don't you start some Neisha questions?
• 29:19
  Cheryl: Speak into this DMS?
• 29:22
  Cheryl: you can email us at connect.
• 29:26
  Cheryl: At the parenting podcast.com you can go to our website or anywhere else.
• 29:32
  Cheryl: You want to get ahold of us.
• 29:33
  Cheryl: We want to hear, questions from real moms, and we want to do what we just done today.
• 29:39
  Cheryl: So get in touch with.
• 29:40
  Cheryl: But moms don't forget.
• 29:41
  Cheryl: Remember, hang in there.
• 29:43
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's.
• 29:47
  Cheryl: Yes, it is.