Latest / Divorce Dialogues / Why Fairness Is a Trap in Divorce | Katherine Miller on The Emotionally Savvy Divorce
Transcript
- Katherine Miller (00:00): Have you ever caught yourself saying, "This just isn't fair." Most people going through divorce definitely do. The problem isn't that you're wrong. The problem is what happens when fairness becomes the goal? Welcome to the Emotionally Savvy Divorce Series, a special series from Divorce Dialogues. I'm Katherine Miller, and together we'll explore the mindset shifts that help people navigate divorce with greater clarity, confidence, and dignity. Whether you're at the beginning of the process or finding your footing afterward, each episode builds on the last to help you make better decisions and create a stronger path forward through divorce. (00:44): I'm Katherine Miller and welcome back to the Emotionally Savvy Divorce Series. Last time we talked about redefining success in divorce. If you missed that conversation, I encourage you to go back and listen as everything we're talking about in this series builds on the last episode. Today, we're going to talk about something I see almost every single day in mediation and divorce negotiation. Someone says, "But that's not fair," or, "I just want what's fair." And more often than not, the other person thinks exactly the same thing. Well, how could that be? How can two intelligent, well-meaning people experience the exact same situation and both believe they're being treated unfairly? That's what we're exploring today because understanding fairness may be one of the biggest mindset shifts you can make during divorce. Part one, the problem. Everyone wants fairness. I've never met anyone who walked into divorce thinking I want to be treated unfairly. (01:42): And in fact, we are actually hardwired for fairness. Our brains want us to be treated fairly, but we also are hardwired to treat other people fairly for the most part. I'm not saying there are no considerations. So everyone wants fairness. And the challenge is that we all define it differently because we all have our thumb on the scale of what fairness means a little bit slanted toward ourselves. So fairness is obviously emotional. There's an emotional component for it. There's a biological component for it, making sure that we are being treated fairly, our primary concern as human beings, and also that we are being decent people treating the other person fairly. And it's shaped, of course, by our experiences of what's happened during the marriage. And this is true outside of the divorce process as well, but very much the decisions we think we've made, agreements we think we've come to, even though our partner might see those decisions very differently. (02:44): And fairness is definitely influenced by our expectations, what we thought we were getting into, what we thought this was going to be, and feeling separated from our expectations in a negative way that feels bad and it feels unfair. And we often confuse fairness with validation. Fairness isn't an objective fact. It's a personal experience. And in fact, I really discourage people to use the word fair in divorce negotiations. And we often joke in the office that fair is the F word because it's so complicated what it means to each person. It has such a different implication for what the terms might be, and yet it's there in every single one. So when fairness becomes our only measure of success, it becomes almost impossible to move forward because of what it means. So if we can perhaps suspend our desire for fairness and think about what we really need, not in relationship to the other person, but in relationship with ourself, that is a much more successful way to think about it. (03:56): Part two, the trap. Chasing fairness keeps us stuck. People get stuck in divorce because they're chasing fairness. But over the years, I've learned that we're often not arguing about the issue itself. We're arguing about what the issue represents. And when fairness becomes the goal, it can keep us in conflict long after it's serving us. Fairness is a great place to start, but holding on to the principle of the thing because you are right can cost you a ton of money and legal fees, a ton of time, and an awful lot of happiness. Because one thing that I think is a really important thing to think about is whether or not you'd rather be happy or right. Holding onto being right, and listen, I'm telling you, I am a person who likes to be right, just ask my husband. But I sometimes in that fight for rightness, realize that I'd really rather be happy and they're not always in alignment. (04:59): What I'm doing, how I'm acting, what I'm trying to achieve is not necessarily in alignment if I'm fighting to be right or I'm working to be happy. It's also not so great to fight about what something represents, not what it's worth. Again, going back to, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What is it you're fighting for and why? When people are in a conflict over a period of time, and if you're divorcing or divorced, you certainly know what I'm talking about. The same conflict trap that feels incredibly familiar where you each say exactly the same thing, seeking the same acknowledgement from the other that you have sought for months, years, maybe decades, that has not worked. And oftentimes I think if I'm in conflict with you, that if you only understood where I was coming from, you would agree with me and we wouldn't be fighting. (05:55): But the thing is that you both feel that way. You both feel that if the other person just understood where you were coming from, understood what your motivations were and why, they would see it your way. Anybody would. And the thing is that we're both in that fight looking for that sense of acknowledgement, sense of being seen, and that feels like a fight for fairness. However, if you can disentangle that and look for something different, break that up, get someone's help, a counselor, a mediator, a coach to help you frame that a little differently, you might actually have better success in achieving the acknowledgement and affirmation even from the other that you have been struggling to achieve all these years. It's also a mistake to expect the legal process to provide emotional closure. When we get the final judgment of divorce back from the court, and it takes months and in some jurisdictions, even over a year for the actual divorce judgment, the piece of paper that means that you're now a single person. (07:02): When that comes in, I always send an email to my clients with it saying, "This is a disorienting time. Even if it's been months, you've been living apart perhaps for years. To have the actual change happen is disorienting because the legal process is not the same as the emotional process." And people usually write back and say, "You're right. I am surprised at how upset or how jarring or how disorienting it was to get your email and to see the actual judgment of divorce or divorce decree." That is really an interesting thing. So think about the emotional process of divorce being on a completely different train path or train track than the legal process itself. Might be longer, might be shorter, but it's definitely different. It's also sometimes people feel the sense of rightness proving their rightness gets in the way of moving forward and thinking through what those two things are, rightness and process, rightness and negotiation, rightness and happiness. (08:12): What is that dichotomy there? What is the juxtaposition of those two things in your own mind and how can you best utilize them both to get you to a result that really works for you? So fairness is not that thing that moves us forward. Well, what is? Part three, from fair to workable. One of the biggest mindset shifts I've learned over the years is this. A solution doesn't have to feel perfectly fair to move your life forward or to work. Sometimes the healthiest agreement is simply workable. Now listen, there is an expression among divorce attorneys. I really don't like this expression, but I'm going to tell it to you because it sort of illustrates the point. And that is that a fair agreement is one that makes both parties equally unhappy. Yeah. What I don't like about that is it really focuses on an achievement of equal unhappiness. (09:03): And yeah, divorce is not necessarily a happy time, although it can be, and it's a difficult negotiation. I think that it would be better to say that a successful agreement is one in which both parties feel they have a workable solution, but this is a conversation about fairness and we can talk about that another time. So if a workable agreement is what we're looking for, what does it actually mean? Well, it has to be one that's sustainable. And this is really an advantage of coming to your own agreement based on your own priorities and your own wishes, hopes, and dreams for what a future successful life looks like, both for yourself and for your partner doing the same thing because that is a sustainable agreement. If an agreement is reached or a judge determines what the divorce is going to be, you are likely to be fighting forever and going back to court, re-litigating, trying to enforce, doing a whole bunch of things that I think mean the agreement is not something that I would define as sustainable. (10:07): It's practical that you think through the practical consequences of what each decision means, what it's going to look like, financial decisions. Can I actually afford the life that I'm planning with this financial plan or what do I need to do in order to make that happen? What changes am I going to make? This is one of the reasons why it's really important to understand the cost of your lifestyle so that you can allocate the resources that you have in a way that really makes sense and move you toward what really matters, not towards something that doesn't matter so much, but you didn't realize how much it costs. Another thing you really want to think about in terms of the practical solution is what is the parenting plan going to look like? Who's going to pick up and drop off? What are we going to do when one kid has soccer, one kid has dance practice, and another one has a birthday party all on my weekend? (10:59): Are we going to share that? Are we going to look at different resources? You really need to talk that through practically and make sure that you really understand it in order to make the transition from living together to living separately as smooth as possible. And does this agreement protect what matters most to you? Are you living somebody else's dream or is this an agreement that really moves you towards a solution and the life that you want to lead because it matters to you, not because it matters to your sister, your coworker, your parents, or even your ex? Sometimes both people compromise and sometimes neither person gets everything they wanted. And by sometimes I mean usually. A lot of times people do walk in thinking they want something and are willing to give that something up in order to achieve something else that's more important. That's not failure. (11:51): That's negotiation. You also need to understand that there is an evolution of priorities that happens during the divorce process itself because it takes months. It does not take weeks or days. And so what you think is most important to you walking into your lawyer's office the first day or walking into mediation or even walking into a do-it-yourself conversation with your ex, that's going to change. It's going to change as you have these conversations, as you realize what's going on. You are going to change as you accept the decision to divorce and start to think about the future and what matters most to you. Accept that evolution and be willing to shift with it because that is going to lead you to the most successful divorce more than feeling like you're holding onto this sense of fairness. Stop asking, is this fair? And start asking, will this help build the life I want? (12:49): Part four, a real life example. One of the times in which fairness often comes up is when there's been an affair. The person who has stayed committed to the marriage feels that it would be really unfair for anything in their life to change because the other person has decided to pursue a relationship with someone else. I remember having a number of clients, but one in particular sticks in my mind who came into my office weeks after finding out not only that her husband was having an affair, but that he had been a serial adulterer throughout their marriage. And this was a woman who thought they had a great marriage. They had a great partnership, they had an active sex life, they enjoyed similar activities and spent a lot of time together. And she was shocked and devastated to learn that this was the history of her marriage, of her relationship. (13:51): And it felt to her like her whole life was a lie and that felt really, really unfair. And while I'm thinking of one person in particular as I tell you this story, I realize I've had so many people come in to the office and tell me the same story, serial adultery, the feeling that my life is a lie because I learned something that I didn't know. And that betrayal can be financial. It could be emotional. It doesn't have to be physical. It could happen in so many ways that make you wonder, what have I been doing? Who am I? Who even am I? And that feels incredibly unfair. And so originally that woman really was just like, "I am going to live the life that we built together. I'm going to have the children. I'm going to have the house. I'm going to have the golf membership. (14:44): I'm going to drive the car and you are just going to pay for everything and move out. " Well, obviously that's not sustainable. Very few people can afford to do that. And through the divorce negotiation, we were able to deal with her own sense of betrayal. And she was able to work with a therapist on redefining herself and coming to grips with her life not being alive, being her only identity, regardless of the choices of her husband, which were not her fault and not her responsibility and build a life where she's able to successfully co-parent with her ex-husband. They've both re-partnered and moved on. She sold the house, moved into a place that was much more appropriate to her situation and didn't constantly remind her of the life that they led before. Constantly remind her of him. This was all her place. Is that fair that that happened to her? (15:45): Of course it's not. That's interesting, but not necessarily relevant to the best possible result for her or for you or for anyone in that situation. I think that story and many others like it show that people move forward in their divorce when they stop trying to prove who's right and start deciding what's next for the life they want to lead. So if you ask me what fairness really looks like after all these years, here's my answer. Fairness isn't about everyone getting exactly what they want. It's about making thoughtful decisions that allow everyone to move forward because in the end, your future will always matter more than proving you are right. So here's the reframe for this episode. The assumption is if things were fair, I'd be okay. The reframe is the goal is not perfect fairness. The goal is finding a solution you can move forward toward your best life with. (16:49): Take five minutes and think about how you'd answer these three questions. One, what am I hoping that fairness will give me? An apology, validation, control, closure. Two, is there a difference between feeling heard and getting my way? And three, if I let go of proving what's fair, what would actually become possible? Write down your answers. Then before every difficult conversation this week, ask yourself, am I trying to be right or am I trying to move forward in the best way possible? Forward movement almost always requires letting go of perfect fairness. (17:35): Thank you for joining me for this episode of the Emotionally Savvy Divorce Series. I hope that today's conversation gave you a different way to think about one of the most emotionally charged words in divorce, fairness. Next time we're going to explore another important mindset shift by asking a simple question, what do you really want? Because very often the thing we're fighting for isn't actually the thing we need. If you found this conversation helpful, I'd love for you to subscribe to Divorce Dialogues podcast, share this episode with someone who might need it and visit Miller Law Group to explore more resources including my book, The Emotionally Savvy Divorce. Until next time, remember, the goal isn't simply to get through divorce, it's to create a stronger path forward. If this conversation was helpful, share it with someone who might need it. And if you're navigating divorce yourself, you'll find more resources and episodes at miller-law.com. (18:36): Make sure to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.