Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Only Fans | Matt Rife |(Full Comedy Special) 🤣

Transcript

Only Fans | Matt Rife |(Full Comedy Special) 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: How y'all doing?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all good?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man, thank y'all so much for coming.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh you guys uh ready to be offended?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, don't fucking say that and then go on Twitter afterwards, like oh Matt has some opinions of his own and end my fucking career, okay?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just wanna have a good time tonight, alright?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Comedy almost isn't fun, okay?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Happen to adhere to everybody's sensitivities.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Since when?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: That shit is so new.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Remember like three years ago when no one gave a fuck about how you felt?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like three years ago, if you were in public and we were like, I don't like a stranger would come up and be like, shut up, bitch, and punch you in your chest.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, ah, now I heard on the outside and the inside.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society, man.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: We've gotten so soft.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like fresh out the pool dick, soft.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: All the fellas understand that you get out that cold water, you don't even recognize yourself anymore.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, whose dick is this?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Who put a baby dick on me?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I feel like we are as a society, man.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just on soft.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's exhausting.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm glad we could all come together for a night of laughter.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's good to see y'all.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Black people.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Good to see y'all.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: White people sitting in the back.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: How's it feel?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're smiling.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad you're in a good mood.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Did you say sorry today?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Did you say sorry to a black person today?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Get your Venmo out right now.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Cash App.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Every black person in here, five dollars.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Gets you through the rest of the shit.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna get these reparations one way or another, okay?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry it took so long.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I just got here, alright?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all gotta learn how to take Bitcoin or something, but we're gonna we're gonna figure it out.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: White people been so sorry in 2021, haven't they?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's been my favorite show to watch.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Just white people trying to outwoke each other in front of black people.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because they don't always start reasonable and then just gradually get out of hand.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like white person number one will start low.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, I voted for Obama two times in a row.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, all right, solid politics.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Now white person number two has to top Obama, so he's like, that's crazy.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was just talking about how Jesus was black.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, yeah, well, walked on water, probably couldn't swim.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I check out.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now white person number three is gonna top Obama and Black Jesus.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: He's panicking.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: He says some ignorant shit, like, well, Madea's my favorite franchise.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, gotcha! A liar! Madea is nobody's favorite franchise.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Not even black people's.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're a wee chair.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think it goes soul plain than Madea movies.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's all this white guilt.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's heavy.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: Starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And like every room I enter is like an AA meeting where I gotta plead my case.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I have to enter every situation.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, hey guys, my name is Matt.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Just want to introduce myself, let you know I do identify as a straight white male, and everybody's like, ooh.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know, I'm trash.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I would I would really appreciate it if you used my proper pronoun, the problem.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: What an uncomfortable time to be a straight white male.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tough time for my people.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: For once, you know, it's you gotta know when to fold them.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: We stay in the game too long, we can't be doing that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Coming back to haunt us hard.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Rightfully so.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's just uncomfortable because to be a straight white male in 2021, you're kind of guilty by association, aren't you?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Which is a shitty place to be if you didn't do anything.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I just turned 25.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just got here.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I didn't do anything.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a new white, like, give me a chance.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Give me a chance to wipe my wrongs, you know what I mean?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, just want to sing along to some songs, you know what I mean?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's just give me a chance.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't, it's not my fault.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like I made the conscious decision to be born a straight white male.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I probably would have.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't get to choose.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't my decision, therefore I can't I can't apologize for it.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: That'd be weird.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't have to.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to apologize for it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just be a decent fucking human being.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Is that too much to ask?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to the sound of white guilt.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Music to my ears.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't have to apologize for it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I won't.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'll apologize for being born a straight white male when LeBron James apologizes for being six foot nine.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't choose this life, just happened to be born that way, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: And they both have their own set of perks, don't they?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, sure, he can do a fucking windmill 360 dunk.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I can raise my voice to the police.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's a give and a take, you know what I mean?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'd love to yam on a motherfucker, but I guess I'll just get out of this ticket.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta choose your superpower, man.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Life ain't fair for everybody, okay?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Make white people uncomfortable.
• 5:50
  unknown: Check.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so happy to be shooting this in LA.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I love LA.
• 5:58
  unknown: Woo!
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love it because I'm not from here.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I have perspective.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm actually from Ohio.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's right.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: That that's that that felt as welcoming as it should have.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Man, if you've never been to Ohio, you you don't got them.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: You absolutely don't.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care who died there, send an email.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you do not have to go.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's so trash.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even from like a fun part of Ohio.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get like Cleveland or Cincinnati, nothing fun.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from the middle of nowhere, like our west of Columbus, surrounded by cornfields, country, the sticks, we call it.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Population like 1,500 people.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like the kind of small town where like the gas station is also the grocery store.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking roll get some sandwiches and some diesel.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: You here?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Why not save a trip?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: My hometown was so country, man.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: We used to have uh, we used to have drive your tractor to school day.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Swear to God.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys remember School Spirit Week?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Where like every day of the week would have a theme to it, like pajama day or twin day.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: We would have one day in that week when like the rich kids will pull up and just fucking flex on us.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: John Deere style.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the women in my school would just get wet.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh my lord, he's got land.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's all people cared about where I was from was fucking farming.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like you didn't need eight inches if you had eight acres.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like that was.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: That was the biggest flex you could come with.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: You couldn't compete with a farmer.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: If he's plowing land, he could plow your bitch straight up.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like there's just nothing you could do.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing you could do.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it's the type of small town where like life just kinda dissipates.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like everyone lives the exact same life timeline.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like you you you go to high school, you get pregnant, then you graduate, maybe, and then you get a job, get married, and so on and so forth, and you die in this hometown.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's depressing.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing to do, there's nothing to do for fun there.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody just drinks and does drugs.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: But not cool like we do it, you know?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Theirs is because they're sad.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: So depressing, man.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't realize drugs were as big of a problem when I was living there, but apparently it's gotten worse.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um I found out about three or four weeks ago, this kid who I went to school with, he's like two grades older than me.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't know each other too well.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: There's only like 300 people in a school, so we kinda know each other.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Found out like three or four weeks ago, this kid um OD'd from heroin in this town at his job.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: The same job he got when we were in high school.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: He lived and died there, and obviously the whole town got together and they mourned the loss of their dealer.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, guys, don't get weird.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, there was no there's a silver lining moment.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: The whole town, I swear to god, they started to go fund me and they raised enough money so that they could get him a memorial bench at his favorite park.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Which I thought was a really sweet memento, you know, to provide other people seating to do their heroin.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: I've never done heroin, but I imagine you want to sit down.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, whatever.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: You guys don't know him.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm just giving you a little perspective.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: That I I could have been a bench, okay?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm not.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing like where I'm from.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's so weird.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm good looking.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like it any more than you guys do, okay?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: This is not good for comedy, okay?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so weird for me.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: My looks are so confusing to me because you guys haven't known me my entire life, so you have no context of this, but this shit just happened.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Puberty hit me so disrespectfully late.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was ugly as shit for the first 22 years of my life.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was so ugly for so long.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: If I would have been on Wayfair, they would have returned me immediately.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was so ugly.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now don't owe, okay?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I spent the first 22 years of my life building a personality for what?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: You think I need to be funny now?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's a fucking waste of my time, to be honest.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotten me nowhere.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And it and it's so weird because when you spend so much of your life as one thing and then you're drastically changing to something else overnight, it fucks with you emotionally.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like I still, it's still so new to me that I don't quite grasp it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't, I don't see myself that way.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like I know I look like every fuck boy ever, but I do identify as an ugly person.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I I think that does technically make me trans.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, trans-handsome, transome.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we wait till we get our bathrooms.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be all mirrors, a bunch of pretty people doing cocaine, it's gonna be dope, and y'all can't come.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's so weird, man.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's such a drastic lifestyle change, too, because people treat you so differently.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, nobody likes attractive people, right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: You assume their lives are easier.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's no sympathy for pretty people at all.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Which is another thing you guys might not know about me is I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And you guys are just waiting for the punchline.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's how fucked up it is that I can that I can come up here and vent to y'all, basically being like, help! And y'all are like, get your cute ass out of here.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not funny.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it's so weird.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: There's no sympathy for pretty people.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: No one gives a fuck how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: People act like I don't have any problems at all.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: I could be crying my eyes out in bed, and people are just like, what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: I bet you're just swimming in pussy.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, yeah.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what I'm not swimming in?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Self-confidence.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Security, believe it or not.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Someone who listens to me.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even hang myself because my jawline will cut the fucking rope.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm just on the ground, handsome.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Even if I did die, it's gotta be an open casket.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: People are like, God, damn, he looks good in a suit.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's really nice.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's blue is his color.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: That is nice.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's no sympathy for pretty people.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are lucky.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Count your blessings, ughs.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: Shit ain't sweet up here either, okay?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's dealing with shit.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: I just want you to remember that.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Next time you're in bed, having the worst day, crying your eyes out, and your friends are by your bedside or blowing up your phone.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh my god, are you okay?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Just remember.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Means you're ugly.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't make up the rules, okay?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you were cute, they'd be like, get up, bitch, we're going to the club.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Three millirocks.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Be right back to it.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: No problem.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: But rules are rules.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's weird because it's giving me, um it's giving me the perspective of not judging people based on how they look.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a big fan of that.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I like the masks.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know who's ugly with a mask on, do you?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of a fun game to play, isn't it?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Just walking through the grocery store, like, does this bitch have a beak?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like you don't know, you don't know what people's situations are.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta get to know them before you can judge.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you wouldn't be able to just assume I'm a douchebag if I had my mask on.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: You'd have no basis.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: I could walk into any Starbucks with my mask on.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: They would just think I'm any random lesbian.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: I could be anybody.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Could be anybody.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Go in, they're like, what's your name?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like Matt.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you are so brave.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the code to your bathroom is for some.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Man, the masks made it so hard to holler at people, didn't it?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because you don't know what 60% of their face looks like.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: That shit was so dangerous.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: You ever talk to somebody for a while and you're like, I gotta know.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta come up with some like cute, clever way to give them to pull their mask down.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Say some dumb shit like, have you smiled today?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like you have a cute smile.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: We can give you a smile real quick, and you've been chatting forever, and she's been all eyes, and she's like, I don't know, I guess they could give you a little blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, god damn it! Oh my god, I talked to you for an hour.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: I gave you my time.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I like it.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a big fan of not judging people based on how they look.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because if there's one thing we all have in common, every single person in this room is everybody's going through something.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody in here is dealing with some shit that nobody else has any idea about.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I go through shit all the time.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: You guys would have no clue.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like one thing you might not know is uh I have terrible luck.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Bad random shit happens to me all the time.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing and humbling story in a moment.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh last year I had to have surgery on my nipples.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: They're fine now.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can stop looking.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Last year I ended up developing this freak medical condition.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this shit is so rare, it only happens to like 12-year-old boys and 80-year-old men, and somehow I'm both.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's so rare.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: My doctor looked me in my eyes and was like, I don't know why this happened to you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, first of all, I'm up here.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Second, don't not give me an answer, okay?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's not very professional.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: It was this freak condition that was causing the breast tissue, um, the breast tissue under my pecs that bench about 285, 8 to 10 reps.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's neither here nor there.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it was causing the breast tissue to grow incongruently under my nipples.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, before your imaginations start running fucking wild, let me shut that down right now, okay?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever image you're drawing up in your head, get it out of there.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't anything drastic at all.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you had never seen me shirtless before, you would never even know the difference.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: But you know your body, right?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: If something's off, just the littlest bit, you notice it more than anybody else ever would.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: So it was it was just messing with me mentally.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like I wasn't, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off, my Instagram was suffering.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's messing with business, you gotta get checked out.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I go to the doctor, and he's like, Yeah, I got it.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, up.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: I said, what do we what do we do?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: And he explains to me that it's actually an irreversible condition, meaning it'll never just go away, you can't take medicine for it, you have you have to have it surgically removed from your body.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, alright man, what's what's the damage on something like that?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And he explains to me that this surgery is gonna be$9,000.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Nine racks.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: Out of pocket, mind you, because technically it's cosmetic, it's not life-threatening, so insurance doesn't cover it.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: $9,000 in the middle of the pandemic, which I don't know how much you guys know about stand-up comedy, but this is the first time I've been inside in like two years, man.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: I've been performing in pickup trucks and Kmart parking lots.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Money has not been good to me.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I definitely didn't have$9,000 to drop on something that wasn't gonna kill me.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Breast implants are$10,000.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: So if you think my life is just oh so easy and I have no problems at all, you go home and you think about the dilemma that I had to sit with by myself every night leading up to this, like, goddamn.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Am I about to drop$9,000 on something that's ultimately cosmetic and really only affects how I feel about myself and whoever it is that I'm intimate with?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do I drop$10,000?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Get these titties and clean up at the Women's Olympics.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: If I go full transition, it is over for you bitches.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even run track and field.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm placing bronze, guaranteed, okay?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a decent looking dude, but I'm a bad bitch, straight up.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't need to tell you all that.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a sponsorship.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody gonna buy this a white clock and be like, yeah, sixty gram.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be like, it's all here, bro.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'll let you suck one for thirty seconds.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's about all.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: That was weird.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um when I got this chin, I thought things would be different.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: I thought things would be easier.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: I thought dating would be easier.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's me.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm very picky.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so hard to date.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I have such a specific type.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: I I predominantly only date older women, which is personal preference.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like late 30s, early 40s.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Such a sweet spot.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, not ones who sit in the back.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: This bitch is wooing from her handicap spot in the parking lot.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: I also don't know if you match the criteria.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotta be late 30s, early 40s, man.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because women are kind of like Captain Crunch.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're the best right before they're gross.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck y'all, that's a solid cereal joke, okay?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you fuck with Captain Crunch, if you fuck with Captain Crunch, you know it's a very fine window.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: If it tears your mouth up and it's oatmeal, okay?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's a very fine line.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's like 42.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, who knew?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: Some of y'all not laughing because you're sitting there with some grits, and that's fine.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's snitch on yourself if you want to.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe a little brown sugar in the front row.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: Put your dash on.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you holler.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: No verbal communication needed.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: I knew what that meant.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, older women are so dope, man.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes they got kids, which means they got snacks.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so easy, man.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: I can't cook at all.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'll fuck you for a lunchable.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's a fact.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so easy.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a crock pot, I will shut shit down.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: To the best of my I don't know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know who you were dating before me or what they were doing, but I don't want to make false promises.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because sex is hard.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, y'all have it so easy.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh oh, never heard that before.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: I fully believe, I fully believe women have sex so much easier than men.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: One hoe in the back, just like, yeah, it just opens up.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: It just does its own thing.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Dudes come out of her pussy like this.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's so true.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's so much less work.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: All you technically have to do is like.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's all you just be punctual.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's your only responsibility, is to be on time.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because we will start without you.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only requirement.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize as a man, like, there's a certain level of excitement I have to get, and I have to maintain this excitement the entire time while I'm focusing on a million things.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm focusing on me, I'm focusing on you, I'm switching positions.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's a full court press the entire time.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: You focus on so much that sometimes, sometimes you go quick.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: You fuckers leave me hanging on this right now, like I'm the only dude who's at my special.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all gonna disrespect me like this.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all ain't shit, man.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh, I'm the only person ever to bust that.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hilarious, you guys.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all ain't shit.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know that?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: It happens to the best of us, okay?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: There's no need to be a big deal, be a big problem about it.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: Would you be mad if your food came out early at a restaurant?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, the chef is killing it.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: I got all this time for activities.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't come fast, I just respect your schedule.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I know you.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: I know you gotta take your kids to school in the morning, so.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sex is hard.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: The build-up is fun, though.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like sexting.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Sexting is the most fun.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Dudes love sexting.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're so good at it.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're just lying the whole time.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's so easy.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: We lie so much.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: We talk so much game of what we can't wait to do to y'all when we see it.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: We ain't doing none of that ever at all.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: We're like the JK rallying of dick pics.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we just writing fairy tales.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Shit we are never gonna do to y'all ever.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: We set the bar too high.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: We say crazy stuff.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, girl, when I see you, I'm gonna I'ma put you up against the wall.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna I'ma fuck you in the curtains.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you ain't fucking nobody in the curtains.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: You've been to my house.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: I got blinds.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to scratch my back up?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: Not very practical.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: I lied recently.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's how the game goes.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was sexing with this girl and like I could see where she was going with it, but like it was just rude of her to assume.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was sexing with this girl, she was like, I'm only 103 pounds.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: You could throw me around.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I responded as a dude.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, that's right.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: But on the inside, I was like, that's more than you think it is.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's fellas.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Back me up on this.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: 103?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: Get the fuck out.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's nothing?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's light work?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Pick me up then.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: How about how about fuck your lower back?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: How about that?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't done a deadlift since 10th grade.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now fucking you've gotta be leg day.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta fuck you with one of those weight trainer belts the Mexicans wear in the gym for no reason.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Mexicans be in the gym doing all arms, gonna hold back brace.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why you got jeans on?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: You said some people didn't like that?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it is what it is.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: I talk a lot of shit, but I'm the problem.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm I'm well aware.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so I'm so picky.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have a lot of red flags that I look for.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's why, like, the first date's always the hardest because you're like you're looking, I feel like you're looking for things to not like.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's so tough because there's a lot of shit I don't like.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'll list a couple of red flags for it.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: And feel free to tell me if I'm out of pocket for not being okay with some of these things.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um red flag number one.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't fuck with girls who go on boats.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's hoe shit.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like a lot of people in here have been cheated on.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_01: Not on land.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it feels like.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm happy to have y'all support.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's because it's insanity to me.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: If you live in LA and you date a hot girl for long enough, at some point this chip will come to you and say something like, babe, there's just this guy, a friend of mine, who wants to just take me and my eight hot girlfriends into the abyss.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Are you out of your fucking mind?
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: What stay drive?
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, people get fucked on boats.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Boats were built for fucking.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Since the beginning of boats, people been fucking on them.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: B-O-A-T, bring out ass and titties.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's been in front of us the whole time.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's always been an acronym.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: My girl not getting on no boats.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: No kayaks.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: No canoes, no, no, no paddle boats.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: You're not working up a sweat next to another man.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: Not dealing with it.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's why women love Titanics so much.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's a beautiful story about a chick who cheats on her man with a scrub while her boyfriend is on the ship.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: You say you like boats?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: Get out.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: Get out right now.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: You got big boat energy right now, and I'm not fucking real quick.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_01: So that's the big one.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um red flag number two.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't fuck with Ouija boards.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, this only pertains to white women.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um and you know what?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: This shouldn't even be a story that I have to tell.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: But it's been weighing heavy on my soul lately, so I'll I'll let y'all in.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: A couple of years ago, I was doing a show at a comedy club in Hollywood, and I get off stage, and this beautiful girl comes up to me, gives me her number.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: This happens all the time.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: And kidding.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she comes up to me, gives me her number, she's beautiful, we go our separate ways for the evening.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: The very next day, she texts me and was like, hey, I want to come over.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I bet still got it.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: So she comes over, I let her in, go sit on the couch, and it's me and her on the couch, and then my roommate is down the hall in his room.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: His door's open.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: You can't see into the living room from his room, but he hears all of it.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's a witness.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we sit on the couch, and for the first two minutes, I'm asking all the questions that guys don't care about.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um but you don't we don't want to come across so too eager.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: So we ask silly questions, like, you know, you gotta family or you know, those your real ears?
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't get your ears done.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like sh vague shit that we don't really care about at all.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we're talking for like two minutes, and then she hits me with yeah, um Do you have a Ouija board?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't even have a headboard.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, don't don't got that on me.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, well, can we go to Target and get one?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, no, I I've got Disney Plus.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we're doing.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: And she's not giving up.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, what well can I make one?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what in the demonic charcuterie are you trying to bring into my home right now?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm trying to hit.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, yeah, sure.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: If you can find the things in my apartment to make a Ouija board, go ahead.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: Biggest mistake of my life.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: This stranger who I just met starts ransacking my apartment.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: She's opening every cabinet, every cover, every closet, going through everything.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you guys have ever seen a video of when a deer accidentally gets inside and it starts hitting everything like it's never seen walls before.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: But she's going crazy.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_01: She finds a couple of markers to write stuff down.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: She finds this little glass piece to be like the centerpiece, and she's like, that's how hard she's working.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: She's out of breath.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, We don't have something to make the board.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, damn.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: Guess we gotta watch Monsters Inc.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, she just sit on down and she goes, hold on a second.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: So she gets up and she goes over to the front door.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_01: She opens the front door and she goes outside.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: And my roommate comes down the hallway and is like, and I'm like, so he goes over and slams the door shut behind her.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: I laughed so hard, but again, there's a mission at hand.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, alright, stop playing.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I get up, I go open the door.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's been four seconds.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: I go, I open the door, there's nobody out there.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: She's gone.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, hey.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Ashley.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna shut the door.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: And once it's shut, it's gonna stay shut.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be stuck out here.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm serious, Amanda.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I go, I swing the door and turn around and straight out of the scary movie.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: This chick's foot, bah, stops it right before it closes on the frame.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Jesus Christ! And here comes this chick lugging in this giant piece of cardboard.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, where did you get that?
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, it was just out there.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_01: Bitch, no, it wasn't.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: No, it was not just out there.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: So she brings it in, she sets it on the coffee table, and we both sit on the couch, and I'm I don't know where it came from.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta I I I lift it up.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's from the TV box I threw in the dumpster four days prior.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: This chick brought garbage back into my home to summon the devil.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: So you know the sex is gonna be dope.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: She's fucking crazy.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in, I gotta do it now, you know what I mean?
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've never smashed a homeless chick before, but she clearly brought all of her things.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, alright, you ready to make one?
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I guess, yeah.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_01: So she draws it out, and but before I continue, does anybody not know what a Ouija board is?
• 34:35
  unknown: Yeah.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: You really don't know?
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man, okay.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, first of all, God bless you.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're so naive.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um a Ouija board is essentially it's it's a it's a toy board that you can get from any store like Walmart or Target or whatever.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh and people use it to drunk text the dead, essentially.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's all it's good for.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a very simple layout.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh it has the the alphabet right here, close center, middle of the boards.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's where um the centerpiece is supposed to be guided by a spirit to spell out certain words to answers that you ask.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: So the middle is the alphabet, right corner is no, left corner is yes.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: Alphabet, left yes, no.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, alphabet, no.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: So she draws the whole thing up, and she's like, Alright, so there's a couple of rules you have to know when you're gonna play with a Ouija board.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yeah, duh.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, everybody knows that.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: But uh refresh me again.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Alright, rule number one, you never play with it by yourself.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_01: Ever.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: Rule number two, you have to remember to say goodbye.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because apparently you can't ghost the ghosts.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: So she's like, alright, let's play.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, got our hands on the piece, and she's like, alright, we gotta ask it a question.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, go ahead.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, alright, um, okay.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anybody here with us?
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you just hear my roommate down the hallway go, yeah, his name is Brandon, and he fucking lives here.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, touche, he pays rent.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, which do you know?
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: So she's like, alright, I'll ask it another question.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: Did anybody die here?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't move.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, this is crazy.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh well then you ask it something.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, um, should we go lay down in my room?
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want to piss off the dead, do we?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, you're right, so we go lay down.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: This chick brings the cardboard in the room with her.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: She sets it at the foot of the bed like it's a golden retriever.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're under the covers.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing more makeshift conversation.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm like, you know, you got dreams, or you know, what's your favorite picture?
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, just vague shit I don't care about.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: And about like four or five minutes after this, she just knocks out.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not a subtle, like, I'm starting to feel a little bit tired.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, just straight, yeah, and then I'm like, she is slumped.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: And now it's her asleep, me under the covers, and I'm staring down, just terrified of this Samsung TV box.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_01: And all I can think is this bitch didn't say goodbye.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm terrified by myself.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to wake her up.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, hey, hey, Allison.
• 38:24
  unknown: Hey.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: Great.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: She's asleep.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta play with it by myself.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I start jerking off, and she wakes up straight out of an exorcism and was like, what are you doing?
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh god! And I swear to God, a spirit left my body and hit her right in the face.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_01: Oh God.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_01: I never saw her again.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: I never saw.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm to this day, I'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't surprise me.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's why I can't mess with young people.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: I really can't.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: She was 25, 26, just put off of it.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: It makes me feel so much older dealing with somebody like that.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_01: I do feel older.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_01: I date older women, all my friends are older.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_01: I fucking hate kids so much.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: Kids fucking suck, man.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're so garbage.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like young people at all, man.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: We just don't click.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not on I don't know the apps that they're on.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: What's the what's the one app that literally every kid is on it?
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, no.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: Amber Alert?
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: Every kid is on Amber Alert, aren't they?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, man, nobody looking for you.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: How many followers you got?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: Enough for a search party, I hope.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: See, this is hilarious to me because I can feel the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right now.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm the asshole.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's adorable.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time you got an Amber Alert on your phone and your first reaction wasn't, oh shit.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: How do I turn this off?
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: How do I none of y'all are like, we gotta find these kids! Not one person.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all haven't found a kid since Milk was in a carton.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, judge me.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's a terrible app.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's the worst app.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's vague.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be on the lookout for a 2015 Silver Prius.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is he in my Uber?
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_01: Is this a ride share?
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_01: Did I hit pool?
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: The alarm's the worst part by far.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: They haven't changed the alarm in like 30 years.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's still the same.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: I get so mad when that shit goes off on my phone.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: I could be standing next to the kidnapper and be like, hey! Is it in the settings?
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: I go to general notification.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: I closed out the Wayfair app.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you guys remember that?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: You guys remember when Wayfair was selling other stuff?
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: For any of you guys who might not remember, Wayfair, the uh furniture company in 2020, was accused of allegedly being involved in human trafficking.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_01: And we forgave them pretty quick, didn't we?
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're killing it.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: Their business is booming right now.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_01: Supply the chairs y'all sitting on right now.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: So if you could please give a warm round of applause for our sponsor.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, they came back hot with some deals too.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, I'm sorry, five, our bad ten.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, these are the ages of the discounts.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I just don't trust you anymore.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't trust you.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_01: It was bad, man.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_01: We found out as a people, we hate human trafficking.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_01: But not as much as we hate an unfurnished patio.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Am I right?
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_01: Them umbrellas ain't cheap, man.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not funny.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not funny.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's very serious, and I do feel very bad for all the families affected by that, obviously.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_01: Feel terrible about it.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: But I especially feel bad for the dude who just wanted a desk.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_01: How many times have you got the wrong order in the mail?
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now you gotta get a crib too?
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of money out of pocket.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's messed up, man.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: You can't support them.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: Don't don't support Wayfair.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're terrible.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_01: Not as bad as IKEA.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck Ikea.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_01: You kidding me?
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_01: They're way worse.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ikea needs to come with a kid just to help put that shit together.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody gotta hold these sides, bro.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_01: God damn.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: Can I go home now?
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, man.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of leftover pieces.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_01: You sure you didn't skip any steps?
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's always so many leftover pieces after an IKEA project, isn't there?
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_01: You look at a final IKEA piece like, I guess that's it.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: I guess we just don't have a bottom shelf.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: It is what it is.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_01: We'll we'll put tall stuff there.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, relax.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: Still me.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: Remember the dude who's been telling jokes for 45 minutes?
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_01: Still just a joke.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: This is why comedy is the most frustrating job in the world.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's because this is the only job in the world that I would have to reiterate to y'all what I'm doing.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_01: That I'm just kidding.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mean this shit that comes out of my mouth.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: Rappers don't have to do that.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_01: Rappers are literally like, I fucked your bitch and killed your family.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_01: And y'all are just like, ah.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: They don't gotta be like, I'm just rapping.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just rapping, y'all.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't do nothing like that.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm David.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know me.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't do nothing like that.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: So hypocritical, man.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's the one thing comedians do have over rappers, is freedom of speech.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy, right?
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can joke about messed up stuff as long as it's funnier than it is messed up.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: And rappers don't get that kind of leeway.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's not fair.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like if they admit to a crime they did on beat, they still go to jail.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's fair.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_01: Respect the artistry.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_01: Give them a chance, okay?
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think if you can make a doper song than the charges you're trying to beat, you get to go home.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's fair.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's fair.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_01: All spectrums of crime, too.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine Ted Bundy in court?
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, you're going to jail forever.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, well, wait till you hear this shit.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's a little song I call I Eat the Pussy Up, starring Jay Doms.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because he's a cannibal.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: That one was a tough sell.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_01: I understand.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: See if we can get y'all back with something a little bit more level-headed that we can all kind of get on board with.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_01: Gun control?
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_01: Why not?
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_01: Can't be worse than the Wayfarer shit.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: It is.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_01: This is way worse.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_01: If that one wasn't your shit, buckle up.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh this is a lot harder one to tackle.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_01: Gun control is so tricky because I I see both sides.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_01: I do understand.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_01: I I understand the amendment, everyone's rights to have a gun.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: That makes sense to me, especially when it comes to things like protection or providing for your family.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_01: But at the same time.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody, every not everybody gets a gun, right?
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_01: You all know somebody that you're like, this motherfucker should not have a gun, right?
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time you held a gun and didn't do this shit?
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_01: People freak out every time.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_01: But no, don't.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I wouldn't, but would I?
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's a timeless bit.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_01: That shit has been funny for centuries.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun that I think a simple interim solution would be it just needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I suggest.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's so many tiers to responsibility you should have to surpass before you can have a gun.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I suggest.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not even proposing anything difficult.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_01: Simple shit.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you haven't had sex yet, straight up, no gun.
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that is way too much power for you.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_01: How are you gonna pull a trigger before you've had to pull out?
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that takes discipline, and I need to see you in a moment of crisis, okay?
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can you handle the power?
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize if something as simple as that was implemented, if something as simple as having sex was a requirement for getting a registered firearm, what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem?
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_01: School shootings would drop off almost completely.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen pictures of these kids who shoot up schools?
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_01: They are so fucking ugly.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_01: You kind of get it a little bit.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like they weren't fucking, there has never been a handsome school shooter that they were like, ah, he was gonna be prom king.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like never once.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_01: Never.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_01: No one has time to write a manifesto and get pussy.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's science, okay?
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's too much detail.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I I'm well aware that school shootings is a very hard thing to try to make funny.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_01: But we're gonna try.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like I owe the explanation as to like why why would I joke about something this fucked up?
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason being is it's sort of my coping mechanism.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: I try to make light of terrible situations, luckily through humor, so that I'm not sad every fucking day.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because what's the first thing you do when you wake up every morning?
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: Check your phone, right?
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_01: Probably get on Twitter, there's some some sort of news, yeah, you get caught up.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't feel like there's something negative immediately.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_01: There's so much negativity in front of our faces daily that I can't imagine living any kind of life where I don't have an outlet for that negativity.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: It just festers inside of me and makes me a miserable human being.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: If I have an outlet through humor, I'm gonna use it.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: You be miserable.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_01: Not me.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now I respect that that's not for everybody.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's not how everybody's brain works.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had a woman furious one time.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_01: She stood up in the middle of a show one time when I was doing some other school shooting material.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_01: And she was furious.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_01: She stood up and was like, You shouldn't do jokes about school shootings.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, why?
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Because what if it happened to you?
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_01: What if you lost your kid in a school shooting incident?
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_01: Could you make jokes about it then?
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, this bitch.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like context, you know what I mean?
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's a comedy show.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: Clearly, everything I'm saying is hypothetical.
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not talking about this in a literal sense, especially because I don't have any fucking kids, okay?
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not something I have to think about on a daily basis.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_01: But it's something I I had never taken into consideration.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: So it did fuck me up a little bit.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: I had to take a step back as a man and as a comedian and actually ask myself like if I lost my kid in a school shooting incident, could I ever make jokes about it?
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the answer is yeah.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's a hard yes for me.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that that is for sure how I would heal through that traumatic experience.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_01: Second of all, it's my kid.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's fucking fair game, okay?
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_00: There is no way I'm not killing it at that funeral.
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he was never good at hide and seek.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come on, man, that shit is too easy, bro.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_01: The kids don't play the games anymore, it's easier targets.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: Hashtag bring back hide and seek.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: I like this topic only because it's it creates such a divide racially between black people and white people when it comes to the topic of school shootings, because it's usually us.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_01: And black people love to joke all the time.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: They love to be like, oh, you know, it's all the white kids shooting up all the schools.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: Shooting up the school is a white kid's sport.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: I hear that joke all the time.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: Shooting up the school is a white kid's sport.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny, it's it's a good joke.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: Until you think about the history of sports.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I know anything about the history of sports, it's that if white people are good at it now, black people are gonna be way better at it someday.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody gotta be willed, somebody gotta come in and change the game.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you aren't laughing at this fucked up, and some of you aren't because you're like, he's he's right.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna be faster, they're gonna be stronger.
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_01: And cancel.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_01: Awesome.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, cancel culture.
• 51:36
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta chill out.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_01: With the cancel culture stuff, we gotta chill out.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: The spectrum's too broad.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have time to care about everything because you make such a big deal about nothing that it takes all of my attention away from the stuff we actually should be canceling and actually should be upset about.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's so frustrating.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like just pick and choose, man.
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_01: And stop digging up people's old tweets and shit.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: Straight up.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's the most bitch-made thing you could possibly do.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm a big believer that as times change, people change.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of time for the better.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: Not always, obviously, there's exceptions, but a lot of the times.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's so many examples of it in American history in and of itself.
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can look at someone like Malcolm X.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: Malcolm X spent 10 years in prison for robbery and larcen, got out, went on to become a civil rights activist that literally changed the fucking world.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_01: Maya Angelo used to be a prostitute.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_01: Went on to be the fuck is so funny about that.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_01: What white motherfucker in the back?
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: Laughing at what I read in February, huh?
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_01: He laughed like he hit.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like you know what I mean?
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: God damn.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_01: She was a prostitute.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_01: She went on to become a poet, an author, another civil rights activist that again changed the fucking world.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: Chanced the rapper.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_01: Used to make good music.
• 53:19
  SPEAKER_01: As times change, people change, right?
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_01: Not always for the bad.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_01: I miss acid rap.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I'm saying.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um and the reason I wanted to talk about this is because it happened to me.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_01: A few years ago, um, somebody who didn't like me went online and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when I was 15 years old.
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was 15 years old, uh, as I mentioned, I was born and raised in the middle of bum fuck nowhere, Ohio.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't know shit about shit.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't have been more ignorant.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_01: And anybody who says they didn't do or say some shit when they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that's the time in your life you're supposed to make mistakes, so you learn from them, you grow from them, you don't go on to make those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was 15 years old, I was going back and forth on Twitter with my best friend Brendan.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now, Brendan and I have been best friends since preschool, four years old, he's my next door neighbor, and Brendan also happened to be black.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_01: So Brendan and I were going back and forth on Twitter one day.
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_01: And this is when Twitter was like the group chat.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_01: You were just saying crazy shit in there.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was just y'all.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't think anybody's gonna care eight years later.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we were going back and forth on Twitter, just roasting each other, right?
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_01: He would say something, I would say something, he would say something, I would say something.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then he said some shit that really had me fucked up.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because when uh when I was 15, I also had Ohio teeth.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had a big gap in the middle, I had little gaps on the side.
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_01: My teeth were fucked up.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_01: And Brendan says some shit like, you're the only person I know who can eat food without opening their mouth.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_01: And 15-year-old me was shook.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, God damn, that's you know, that's a finisher right there.
• 54:58
  SPEAKER_01: So the rose battle was clearly over, so I conceded, and I had responded back with a very famous chief keeps lyric at the time from the song Don't Like.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_01: So the conversation went, You're the only person I know who can eat food without opening their mouth.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I responded, fuck.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's that shit I don't like.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're familiar with the song, you would know I had tweeted the N-word in the song lyrics to my friend.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_01: And this was incredibly wrong.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_01: This was ignorant, naive, and stupid.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I had never done it.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_01: And when this resurfaced, people lost their fucking mind.
• 55:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_01: White people lost their fucking mind.
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_00: They couldn't believe it.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_00: They thought I had just gotten away with being racist for eight years.
• 55:52
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, what?
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can't say that.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're not black, you're not in the car by yourself.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like they had thought I had just found a loophole in racism and squeaked through the cracks.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_01: And black people couldn't believe that I knew who Chief Keefe was.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_01: That was the biggest uproar amongst the black community.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, he fucks with Sosa, I had no idea.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was instant outrage amongst the whites, okay?
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: And this was such an uncomfortable situation because white people love to be offended for other people.
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's our favorite extracurricular activity to be like, oh, oh, did you did you did you see?
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_01: They want you to be upset about stuff you didn't, you weren't even initial initially upset about.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_01: White people are like PC gladiators.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_01: Just are you not outraged?
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now I am.
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_01: And again, this is a very tough position to be put in because white people have ruined every excuse in the book to get out of being called racist.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_01: They ruined all of them.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_01: And fortunately but unfortunately, I fit a massive cliche.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_01: If you or anybody watching were to take the slightest glimpse into my life, you wouldn't have to look far at all.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_01: You would see that all of my friends are black.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_01: All of them.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's one.
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's others, I swear.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_01: All of them are black.
• 57:36
  SPEAKER_01: I have one white friend and he's Russian.
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_01: His name is Vladislav.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know how much y'all know about Russians, but they're the black people of white people, okay?
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_01: They're so dope.
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_01: So to my naivety, I'm trying to state my case to these strangers online who don't know who I am or know anything about me, because from my perspective, I'm like, no, like, what are you talking about?
• 58:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not racist.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you look at the people who I hold closest in my life, the people who mean more to me than my actual blood family, the people I love most who would probably fucking die for, you would see that they're black.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like what I did was obviously stupid and wrong, but I didn't mean anything malicious by it.
• 58:17
  SPEAKER_01: I would never in my fucking life meet anybody any hate or harm based on the color of their skin.
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's outrageous to me.
• 58:24
  SPEAKER_01: And the most frustrating thing about the entire experience and arguing with these people online was that there's still people who don't believe me.
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's people right now, I'm sure, are watching B on live.
• 58:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is just another white dude trying to get out of another sticky situation.
• 58:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I understand that.
• 58:40
  SPEAKER_01: But at the same time, I also don't have to convince you of a single fucking thing.
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_01: I know who I am.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know I'm not racist.
• 58:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know how many times I've jacked off the Queen Latifah's beauty shop.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all sleep?
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, y'all sleeping, man.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_01: That shit is a classic.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_01: They so goddamn fine in that movie.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_01: Whew! So this is when the conversation got really interesting because the problem shifted subjects.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_01: The issue started with a stupid mistake I made when I was 15 years old, and it shifted to white people now being uncomfortable with my comfortability with black people.
• 59:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like they were they were very uncomfortable with it.
• 59:30
  SPEAKER_01: They were saying outrageous shit.
• 59:31
  SPEAKER_01: They would be like, uh, oh, I bet you hang out with so many black people so that you can justify saying racist shit like that.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_01: For real?
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you think racism and discrimination works?
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, bet.
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_01: So if I hate gay people, I'm out here sucking so much dick.
• 59:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just so I can be like, oh, these homos are disgusting.
• 59:52
  SPEAKER_01: Am I right?
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_01: Off top.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 59:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how racism and discrimination works.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't put myself in that situation.
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_01: But they kept going.
• 1:00:04
  SPEAKER_01: It got more and more ignorant.
• 1:00:05
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, why do you hang out with so many black people then, huh?
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_01: What do you wanna?
• 1:00:10
  SPEAKER_01: Be black?
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking a little bit, a little bit.
• 1:00:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's so much cooler some of the time, okay?
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_01: Every white person wishes they were black a little bit.
• 1:00:20
  SPEAKER_01: Any white person who says they don't is a fucking liar or a cop.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, do not believe that for even a second, okay?
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_01: But the silver lining of all of this is it made me do so much reflecting.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like things that I had never had to put any thought into because they were such first nature to me.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_01: I actually thought about.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had never thought about why all of my friends are black.
• 1:00:46
  SPEAKER_01: I had never thought about why I'm so comfortable with black people or why I appreciate black people so much.
• 1:00:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I did a lot of self-reflecting on it, and the conclusion I came to is that nobody goes through more shit and still enjoys life to the fullest more than black people.
• 1:01:08
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody.
• 1:01:53
  SPEAKER_01: You had such a head start.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's absolutely amazing.
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_01: At its simplest form, it just comes down to common interest and common opinion.
• 1:02:06
  SPEAKER_01: The people who you have in common interest and opinion, those are the people you surround yourself with.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_01: Those are your real friends, those are your real family.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_01: The world should not be split into like, oh, white people do this, black people do this.
• 1:02:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you're trying to do something another culture does, you're trying to do something that you're not.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like that divides us.
• 1:02:22
  SPEAKER_01: That does not bring us together.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't even need to be so cut and dry.
• 1:02:26
  SPEAKER_01: It goes through all aspects of life.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_01: Comedy is like that.
• 1:02:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm supposed to come up here, say some relatable shit that y'all probably kind of already thought about.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_01: We make it funny.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now we have that bond together, right?
• 1:02:37
  SPEAKER_01: But there's still that judgment until we have that bond.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like every time I walk on stage, every dude watching is like, mm-mm.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely not.
• 1:02:45
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't got nothing in common with this dude.
• 1:02:47
  SPEAKER_01: He got bangs.
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not gonna think he's funny.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_01: But as soon as I come up here and say some relatable shit that we can agree on, like, who in here like big titties?
• 1:02:56
  SPEAKER_01: All those dudes are like, well, let's give him a chance.
• 1:02:59
  SPEAKER_01: You see, see what these titties are talking about.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're not that fucking different, man.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_01: Stop dividing people just because you're uneducated or inexperienced.
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you're uncomfortable.
• 1:03:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's why you come across as so fucking corny, and that's why you're not invited to the cookout.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'll bring the potato salad.
• 1:03:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'll I'll I'll I'll bring chairs.
• 1:03:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much, my name is Matt Right.
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.