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Sober Talk SA - Andrew2 · Sober Talk SA

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  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
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  experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
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  struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
• 0:10
  1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot a U
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  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of men and women. We share their experience,
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  strengthen up with each other. They must solve their problems
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  and help others to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
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  drinking. There are no Jews of Feast for A
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  membership. We are self supporting through
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  our own contributions. A is not allied with any sect,
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  denomination, politics, organization or institution.
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  Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
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  oppose any causes. Our primary purpose is stairs.
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  So many other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
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  I'm Andrew, an alcoholic, and I'm a member of Salisbury
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  Saturday Group Milk or economist and Hilton Speakers Group on
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  Tuesday story. I used to drink a lot and they
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  used to like to drink. And I love drinking.
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  I loved that made me feel because it it made me feel
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  different, you know, I grew up always feeling, feeling like I
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  didn't fit in. And I always felt like I was, I
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  was less than, you know, I didn't really fit in at school.
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  I didn't really have the relationship with my dad that my
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  brother had and I and I always felt that there was, there was
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  something wrong with me. It was something different about
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  me. And now when I drank and now
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  when I started drinking, I didn't feel like that anymore.
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  I didn't feel like I was less there and I felt like all that,
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  you know, I feel like a king and you know, I was, I was able to
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  navigate all these social situations, but they were
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  awkward to me when I when I wouldn't drink.
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  And you know, I love the feeling, you know, I chased that
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  feeling. Well, I chased it for a long
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  time and. And in the start there was,
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  there was a lot of good times when I was drinking.
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  You know, I'd have a lot of blackouts.
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  But you know the worst, the worst thing that was happening
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  to me when I was blacking out when I was younger is I just I
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  didn't remember a good night. You know my mates were over
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  telling me about you know a good night that we've had and I just
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  have no recollection of it. But you know as my drinking
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  progressed you know the the good times got less and less and I'm.
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  And in the end of my drinking, there was really no good times.
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  And I was just, I was just drinking because I drank and I
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  was, I was drinking against my own will.
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  You know, I didn't want to. I didn't want to drink anymore.
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  And I just kept doing it. And I because it was there was
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  more solution early on, You know, it made me, it made me who
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  who I wanted to be. And in the end, alcohol wasn't
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  wasn't my solution anymore. And it wasn't.
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  It wasn't making me into that person I wanted to be.
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  It was just making me miserable and depressed.
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  And the more I drank, the more miserable and depressed I got.
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  And the more miserable and depressed I got, the more I
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  drank. You know, in the end, I was
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  just, I was just drinking around the clock, and as soon as I'd
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  get up in the morning, I'd drink.
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  I'd drink all day. And it wasn't.
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  It wasn't a good existence. You know, and I knew for a long
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  time that that alcohol was my problem and that I had to do
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  something about it, but I just couldn't.
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  You know, I just every, every day I had this plan to to not
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  drink anymore you know, and just to give up for good.
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  And every day I'll just get up and I don't have a drink and
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  I'll be like and I've done it again, you know, and and it's
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  because as soon as I have a drink you know that that's it.
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  I've got this. I've got this creating of of.
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  Of this desire to keep drinking. I have one drink and I'll get
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  thirsty, so I have another drink.
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  Then I can get a bit more thirsty and I have a few more
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  drinks, and then I get really thirsty, so I drink more.
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  And then I get so thirsty that I can't quench that first.
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  And I've just gotta keep drinking.
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  And in the end, I wasn't. I wasn't even getting drunk when
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  I was drinking. And I just drink and drink.
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  And then all of a sudden there'd just be this, this switch would
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  get flicked and I'd go into blackout, you know.
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  And then I was, I was losing my moral compass when I was backing
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  out, you know, And I had to do with things that, you know, I
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  wouldn't, I wouldn't even think it through it, you know.
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  And you know, I was putting my, my family in danger.
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  You know, I was, I was drinking over it all the time.
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  You know, I'd come out of blackouts and I'd be behind the
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  wheel in the car if I was not with my family in the car.
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  And I'm not really not proud of that.
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  And I'm, I'm really glad that, you know, nothing, nothing
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  happened to harm them, you know? And yeah, I remember like, I had
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  this red hot idea just before my 41st birthday that.
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  You know really to to give up drinking like all I really
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  needed was was what last spender and and that would that would
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  kill me you know because if I just had one little heart
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  drinking session you know that I wouldn't have to drink anymore
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  and that made so much sense at the time.
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  You know, I look back on that now and that's just that's just
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  that Saturday, you know and so although I was the four day
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  weekend for my birthday and. My son's birthdays, the day
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  before my and I drank and and blackout for four days and we
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  upset all the people that were around me and and after that
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  weekend I just, I just couldn't do it anymore and I just, I just
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  couldn't come to the party anymore.
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  I just, I just didn't want to be here anymore.
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  I didn't want to live and I didn't know what to do.
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  I knew that I just couldn't stop drinking and.
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  I didn't didn't know what the solution was going to be so I
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  did what anyone would do and now or any alcoholic would do or
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  texted my boss and told him I was sick and turned my phone off
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  and just sat out drinking. Now I did that for a few days
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  and on the Wednesday I actually put my work clothes on and
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  caught the bus to work and I went straight past work and I
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  went down there. I went down to the pubs at when
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  I laden. When they opened, I started
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  drinking there and I caught the train at the city and I drank
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  some more there. And then I caught a bus near
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  home and they'll have drank some more up there.
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  And then came home and tell them all, like how tired I was from
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  the hard day that I'd had at work, you know?
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  And about the next morning I'd had a voicemail from my boss.
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  So it just said, look, Andrew, where where are you?
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  And I thought, this is it. It keeps up, you know.
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  Not need a job, you know. But you know, I just can't.
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  I didn't know what to do, you know.
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  So I thought all the best thing I could probably do is this to
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  take my life, you know? And so anyway, I'm not going to
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  feel like this anymore. And yeah, I thought that my kids
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  might be a bit disappointed, you know, if I did that, that's
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  those and everything and I would risk me, but I thought they
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  might be disappointed of doing that.
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  So I'm trying to work out ways. So that I could do it and make
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  it look like an accident. So thinking about, you know,
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  dog, dog going swimming out of the ocean and not come back or
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  dog trip over in front of a bus, you know, and to get one over.
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  And while I was thinking all that, you know, this thought
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  came into my head just a just a Google AA, you know, like I
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  didn't know the time where that came from because I don't even
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  think I knew what AA was about. You know, and I've did that.
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  I got Googled and I found a list of meetings and you know,
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  there's a phone number next to it next to this meeting that was
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  on that night. And so yeah, I thought I'll give
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  this, I'll give this number, I'll call, I put my phone up to
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  private number so that just in case that person didn't answer
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  because, you know, they won't call back.
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  And then then what would I do? Well, this person answered.
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  You know answer the private number.
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  He answers the private number and and they said, yeah come
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  along to to a meeting tonight and see what it's about.
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  Yeah I'll do that you know. And I'll drive into the city, to
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  Adelaide City beginners meeting and hit up, pick up some beers
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  on the way. And I sat outside that meeting
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  in my car drinking just to. I thought the courage didn't to
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  come in and you know when I first come in up I thought of
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  that she hadn't got the wrong place.
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  So that was in a it was in a church and you know there was
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  people there that were dressed nice and they were smiling.
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  And you know I thought, yeah, I've got the church group I
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  turned down at the right AA and AA.
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  And you know, I was honest about my drinking for the first time
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  that night I was asked me if I'd been.
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  I'd been drinking and. You know, I lied a lot about my
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  drinking. And in the last few years, if
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  you ask me questions a lot, I'd say I've only had one drink or I
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  haven't, haven't been drinking or it's none of your business.
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  And I, yeah, I've set you up and sitting out on my car drinking
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  and then, you know, I want some help, you know, I don't want to
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  drink anymore, you know. And you guys said, yeah, just
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  just keep coming back, you know? And I wasn't.
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  I wasn't hearing too much of that.
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  Down by that stage of my drinking but but I did I just
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  kept coming back you know and I Lang my boss the next day.
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  I'm sorry I haven't been at work for a week but you know I've got
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  a problem with alcohol and he said the other what do you what
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  he gonna do about it. I know I told him a bunch of and
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  I had a meeting and that I was planning on going to some ball
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  and I know that I wanted to keep my job and.
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  I know that I was just wanted to get better, you know, And I just
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  started going to meetings every day, still drinking before and
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  after the meetings, but just kept coming back.
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  And I remember, like my first, my first day back at work, you
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  know, I went, I went to work and I had another drink that morning
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  and I went to a meeting straight up to work.
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  I don't remember sitting in that meeting and then all of a sudden
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  it was like my head exploded and I was like, I haven't had a
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  drink today and I couldn't believe it and I'm not man I
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  haven't had a drink. I was just I got really excited
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  inside the wow spent a whole day and I haven't drank as I
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  couldn't do that by myself. I had a feeling then that you
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  know, I just keep coming back, keep going to meetings every day
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  and don't drink. But I was, I was going to be a
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  lot and. You know, I thought that was the
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  case. I thought, you know, once I put
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  down the alcohol, that's that's, that's it.
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  Let's hear the my problems. And it was for a little while,
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  you know, But after about three months of I bought drinking and
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  going on meetings every day, you know, I was, I was going a
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  little bit crazy and I was going on ventral.
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  I was worse than I was when I was drinking and that's when I
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  had to look a bit deeper and and do some of the suggested things
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  and over that. You know I've been a sponsor and
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  started working working the steps and and I started to feel
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  a bit better anyway but but I wasn't I wasn't working the
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  program hard. You know I was I was sweeping a
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  surface you know and just doing what I what I needed three to
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  get by and it was probably right for me at that time.
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  Yeah I started there. I started not feel, feel too
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  well again. And you know start to run a bit
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  rough and there was a guy that came in the rooms the same the
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  same time as me. And you know I'm watching him
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  get well and I'm and I'm asking him all these things he's doing
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  and and his sponsor us getting into do all these.
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  There's other things like call calling Metlis a valley every
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  day and you know, play the eye power every day and you know.
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  I'll read the big book every day and call this sponsor every day.
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  And I'm doing those things. I could do those things, but I'm
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  probably not going to do them if I'm not prompted, but something
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  else to do. So I asked this sponsor to start
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  sponsoring me. And I thought it'd just be like
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  a yes, a yes, no thing when everybody said, oh, we'll have
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  a. We'll catch up and have a chat
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  and I'll tell you what what's expected of you as a sponsor.
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  And I thought I might wanna have done a bit of more that the
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  children. And he laid out all the things
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  that he expected me to do each day.
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  And I've been doing those things and you know, some of them, some
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  of those things are uncomfortable to do for me.
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  I find the more I do them, the better I'm getting and the
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  better I feel. Sorry every day I'm I'm calling
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  up a couple of members then I talk to my sponsor every day
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  yeah I'm I'm praying to to more a pair of my understanding of
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  God of my understanding and each day and and I'm working the the
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  steps again I'm working the 12 steps and this time I'm not just
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  sweep on the surface I'm digging deeper well just I'm just in the
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  process of finishing up on step four and.
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  That's a lot different than the first one that I've done and
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  down and I know that the program I'm working today is is one that
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  I've got to work. You know what if I've been
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  working this program when I first came into the rooms I
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  wouldn't have stayed around it. I think you know it would have
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  been it would have been too much you know.
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  But today I'm spiritually well enough to be able to to better
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  look at all my character defects and and to be able to work work
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  through these things and. Yeah, I know that.
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  Yeah. The more, the more I do the
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  things that I don't want to do the better I'm gonna get all
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  that And yeah, so it's for me.
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  It's a it's a program that's that's saved my life.
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  I've got. I've got a lot of gratitude from
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  my first sponsor. They really like.
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  I will be away from the gates of hell, I believe And you know,
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  here's the little what sponsor for me at the right time, you
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  know, and I was really nervous about about changing sponsors
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  because I thought this guy wouldn't like me anymore or he
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  wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't want to be my friend anymore
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  because I've got a really good relationship with him and.
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  It turns out that now that he's not sponsoring me and someone
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  else's, we're actually talking a lot more and and catching up a
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  bit more and you know, we'll go fishing together and it's, yeah,
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  I've got a really good relationship with this land.
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  And yeah, I found there's a lot of, there's a lot of good
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  support in the rooms and I've got a I've got a lot of male
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  role models today. But I didn't really ask while I
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  was out there drinking. I've got, I've got friends
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  today. You know, I've got, I've got
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  little friends that I can count on and then I've got my back no
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  matter what. And yeah, and it's just a matter
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  of just just keeping on keeping on showing up.
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  And I'll just, I'll just keep coming back no matter, no matter
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  what. I'll just keep coming back.
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  And some of the meetings means by themselves won't keep me
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  sober. But I think they they keep me
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  constantly reminded of. The fact that I'm an alcoholic
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  and and I've got a disease needs to be treated on a daily basis.
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  You know, a couple of weeks ago I got, I got a bit sick and now
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  I stayed away from meetings for a week, you know, because I
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  didn't want to make anyone else sick.
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  And after that week, I start to, I started to tell myself
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  stories. And I heard that, you know,
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  maybe, maybe I don't belong in AA.
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  You know, maybe maybe I overreacted a little bit.
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  And maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not as bad as as as
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  the other Alcoholics that I've been listening to in the rooms
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  And you know, maybe I'd go out, I'd be all right to just go out
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  there and just, you know, drink, drink a couple of couple of
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  drinks and I'll be OK And yeah, I remember when I went, went
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  back to that meeting after after a week.
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  I'm not going to meetings and. So in that room and I had a few
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  shares and I was reminded that yeah I'm I'm where below you
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  know I'm under the lock place I don't know that if I drink again
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  I might not come back and act as I haven't had a drink for a
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  little while. And I know that when I drink I'm
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  going to be thirsty and there's a good chance that when I drink
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  I'm going to black out. And you know, I don't know what
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  I'd do. I don't know how it behaves.
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  I don't know how it act and. And I've got a bit of fear
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  behind that, You know, I've been a bit of fear, like I've not
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  been able to be in control of my actions.
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  You know, everything could happen.
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  You know, there's a good chance of it behind the wheel.
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  You know, I could cause an accident, you know, I could end
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  up in jail, would hurt someone that you know that I don't know
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  all that I do know. I know this.
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  The safest thing for me is just to just to not pick up that
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  first string. And really all, all I've got to
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  do it, I've just got to do it on a daily basis is just wake up in
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  the morning and not drink until I go to bed at night.
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  You know, that's that's the start of my program.
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  It's just just not drinking that, that one day at a time.
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  I've got to do all these other things to treat my illness.
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  But that's that's the number one thing.
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  And if there's a fucking at that first drink, then I'm not, then
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  I'm not going to get trouble. You know, that's what I learned
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  in the room. So it's the first string that
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  did the damage. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't really
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  understand that. I always thought it was the, it
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  was one of the last few that I drank that did the damage.
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  But it turns out if I don't have that first drink and you know,
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  I'm not going to have any other drinks, so I'm going to be OK
• 19:47
  and yeah, I'll probably run out of.
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  Things to say there so I'm not just just leave it at that and
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  just yeah say that I'm I'm a grateful quite for recovering
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  alcoholic but no though I've just got to keep coming back
• 20:04
  thanks for this. Thanks, Sandy.
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  Good share, Matt, thank you. Fantastic share.
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  Thank you, man. We have local meetings for the
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  full week in the local area. Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00,
• 20:21
  Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth E at
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  8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at
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  8:00. There's a meeting at Devon Park
• 20:35
  at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a maintenance Salisbury at 7:00
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  and many of the maintenance in the area.
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  For details of your local maintenance, please phone 1300
• 20:49
  double 22222. And once again, if anyone you
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  know is struggling with alcohol issues, police call Alcoholics
• 20:56
  Anonymous on 1300 double 22222, the website isaasa.org dot a U.