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Transcript

Grace After The Detour · Pastor Plek's Podcast

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: And welcome back to Pastor Plex Podcast.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm your host, Pastor Pleck, and my guest today is none other than Bobby Schneeburger.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: Is that right?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, I'm so proud of myself for nailing the pronunciation.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_03: As one who has a challenging last name that I had to abbreviate, we can always call you Bobby Schnee.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that would be fine.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I've been known as uh like Mr.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Schnee's kid my whole life, so that would totally be fine.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: All right, let's talk.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: Let's just jump right into how did you end up at Wells Branch Community Church now, Breakwatch Church.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so um I um came back to my faith.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: October 26th was like is what I want to say is my official comeback day.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um I went to a couple churches in town, um, and I just wasn't kind of feeling them.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew um Christine Lee.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: How'd you know Christine?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um we both worked uh or not worked, but volunteered at uh Magnolia Montessori on the PTA.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: Oh fun.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: So East Side.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, East Side.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, like the H E V by my house doesn't even have curbside, so I don't know what that says about the East Side, but we're we're rough over there.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, so I knew Christine and so I reached out to her from Facebook and um because I didn't even have her number still.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but she responded and um I kind of just told her everything.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: Did you know that she was a Christian or did how did you Yeah, I don't actually really fully remember.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um I know I knew she had gone to Austin Stone in the past.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I I don't remember having like a conversation about it or or what exactly, but there was just I somehow knew.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I grew up in a Christian family, so maybe it was just the way she carried herself or you can just tell someone's Christian because they're the language they use, the way that's yeah, yeah.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even though not too many people are like super gung-ho for fostering kids that aren't that aren't Christian.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's just I mean, who does that?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, oh, it must be a Christian.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of, maybe, I don't know.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: So you stopped her coughing, she met you.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, and I kind of just told her everything that had been going on in my life, and I was like, I don't know what church to go to.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know you went to Austin Stone.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Did you like it?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Do you still go there?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you go?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because Christine does her research.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So she she does her research.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: So she told me about Wales Branch, and I was like, great, I'll try it out on Sunday.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then like one of my biggest fears um of coming in back into church, aside from like, you know, the I know I'm not gonna just like walk into a church and light on fire, and you know, that'll be the end.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: But one of my biggest fears is crying in church, um, which I now do like on on an almost weekly basis anyway.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: So first time.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I was like just a puddle of tears.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um tell me what happened on that first day.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Because I think it was about when Holland was preaching.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: So Holland was preaching, yeah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: I think it was Hebrews 11, and you're just sitting there, and what struck you?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was definitely uh the the lineage um going through um the heroes of faith.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and when he's especially when he's talking about like Rahab, um and just like you know, anyone would be like a prostitute, completely disgusting and you know, very lowly and all of that.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just like I I feel seen.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know, if God can include Rahab into Jesus' lineage, uh like that that is just an overwhelming amount of grace that he's been also bestowed to me.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so let's talk about why you would relate to Rahab, were you a prostitute?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, um but um so I just finished reading the Old Testament.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm doing like a Bible recap.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um Ezekiel and Daniel were my two favorite books.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um Ezekiel 16, um, s where is a fairly graphic yeah, description of the Egyptian people they're running after with their long members.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So um but life verse.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's the NIV version, but um so the whole thing is talking about how Israel is this uh orphaned child that nobody wants, and God took it and cared for it, and she grew up and became a beautiful woman, and God married her, and then she basically had an affair and lost all her money because she was essentially becoming a prostitute in the means of having to pay her lovers to stay around.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then became just so completely broken, and it's it is I just resonated with that a lot, um, of being broke and broken, and um but then at the end of Ezekiel 16, God creates a new covenant with her, and it's a covenant that like you don't have to do anything, you just have to accept it and to feel it it just really hit me.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, so okay, so let's talk about your life.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so there you are.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: You grew up in church, somewhere you deviated.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: Where where did the deviation come?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think yeah, so I grew up in church, I don't think I got it fully.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I understood that Jesus died for my sins, and if you say this prayer and you accept that, you get to go to heaven.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said the sinner's prayer when I was like three or something.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um like yeah, went to youth group um in middle school and really loved it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um the two things that I struggled with was baptism and evangelism because one, I felt like y'all told me I need to accept Jesus' love, and that was all I needed to do.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to say that prayer and just believe, and we're good.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you telling me to get baptized?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, well, you don't have to, but it's a good way to show people that you believe and whatever.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Yeah, but why baptism?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I just didn't really feel like I could get the answers that made sense to me.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: And then with evangelism, I always felt like my um So you were processing processing that thought like at 10 years old, 11 years old?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: Um really you're a deep thinker.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, probably too deep.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I think way too much.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um but um yeah, and then evangelism didn't make sense to me either because I went to church and I went to a Christian school.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so everybody I knew was Christian was Christian.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like, who am I evangelizing to?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, I'm not a missionary, I'm 10.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't I don't get this.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um when I was going into ninth grade, we moved.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that was a big move.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, took me away from my school, my church, my family.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, your family.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not my immediate family.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Extended family.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Extended family.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So like my whole support system was kind of gone, other than my immediate family.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I had to go to public school, and that was a big shock.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: How was that?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So um, well, the easiest people to make friends with are potheads.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So um, like I didn't the church we went to, I didn't connect with anybody at the youth group there.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anybody at that church went to my school.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, I just hung out with potheads and sort, you know, all they care about is like, do you have$10?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's all they care about.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um so yeah.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, started smoking weed and um drinking on the weekends, and um just all I wanted was a boyfriend, and then got a boyfriend, and I was like, okay, cool, I'm okay, I'm settled and whatever.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, and then we moved again.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So two years later we moved again.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: This time we moved to another state where also didn't know anybody, and this time I had to go to a Christian school, and I was like, this is a lot.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sick of moving, I'm sick of like feeling like I've settled somewhere, and then you know, uprooting and all of that.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I don't like the Christian school was a small school, and I was just like, I just want to get my degree and get the heck out of here.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I am going to graduate and then peace out, never see anybody ever again.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm done.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it was somewhere in there and then going to college.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I first went to college at the University of Northern Iowa, and then I went to Iowa State University.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I met my now ex-husband my freshman year, and then I was like, Well, I'm gonna transfer to your school because that's what I do.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: I and it was he a Christian at all, or like by this time you're like, I'm out of Christian.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um no, he grew up Lutheran, but he wasn't going to church.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we never went to church unless we went to his parents.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I think I went to church with him and his parents like once or twice.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yeah, so um, and when I met him, I was like, great, check.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to try anymore with anything really, because this is a decent relationship on paper, and you've got a good head on your shoulders.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: You've got a degree, he's got a degree.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let's do this.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we both wanted like just start a family, and yeah, like it just made sense.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, so we got married, and then um at um I was my parents had moved up to Iowa.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I ended up going to all these Iowa schools.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I kind of got stuck in Iowa because at some point my parents cornfield somewhere.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And my parents, their goal was always to get back to Kansas City, and so they've been on their own sort of journey, Kansas tour journey thing.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but they basically like abandoned me in Iowa, I felt like, because they were I mean, by that point I was already like in college and whatever.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: We're like, deuce, we're out.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I was like, now I'm stuck here.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I so I got married and was had kids and was a stay-at-home mom, which is the most thankless job in the world.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: And very much thankless job.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so I got really tired of being not thanked.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not thanked.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that, but also just being um in a state where I had no family.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: Um What did you do during the day when you're I mean, just raising kids?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just with kids, just going to the park and going back to the thing and finding going to the park to watch your kids play is the most boring thing a mother can do.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: It is so boring.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: And then you didn't have like friends.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I did actually.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but they were all very liberal.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: Um were you like a conservative person there?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, I was veering towards more liberal.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my ex-husband always said he was libertarian.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, I was veering towards the more liberal side.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Some of my friends were like academics who had kids um because we were still in this like college town.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: So stay-at-home mom and liberals don't actually mix.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're like Yeah, I was kinda it was weird.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing like a lot of like sort of trad wifey things, like making my own yogurt and things like that.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you were trad wife before trad wife was cool.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I was just like didn't feel fulfilled.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I like it snows a lot in Iowa.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're stuck at home with small children and you can't get out of the house, it's it's a lot.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I we gotta move.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um and would you just like just go to the hottest place possible?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: We had other options, but Austin just made the most sense.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And did he have a job that was like remote or he's uh uh in tech okay, so it's like, oh yeah, Austin makes sense.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Austin made complete sense.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um so we moved to Austin in 2015.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And one of my um two of my goals, I guess, when I came to Austin was I wanted to become a yoga teacher and I wanted to um it really started with one, but I wanted to get a tattoo.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: But you didn't have any tattoos at this point.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I had one tattoo.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I got one tattoo my freshman year of college, and then I see a lot of tattoos.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Which tattoo was the only one you had?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that one's covered up at this point.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: So as you do.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: As one does.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: You eventually start covering them up because you're like, oh, that was a bad decision.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're just gonna cover it up.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to, yeah, um, become a yoga teacher, and I really wanted to get a tattoo or start getting tattoos.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was just, I don't know what was interesting about tattoos exactly, but it was something that I really desired.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and my ex-husband wasn't too keen on it, but we did not communicate very well.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So um he wasn't excited about tattoos.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, interesting.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so that kind of became um well, okay.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: So at one point he asked me, when does it stop?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: When does tattoos stop?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't know.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you that because I mean they're so awesome.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just also don't know.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I'm looking at one that's like uh yoga pose here.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, um, that has some dumb saying about those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should know what my own stuff is.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's good though.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I have no idea who said that.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: It could be related to those berserker mushrooms that make people go crazy.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea, but like why I wanted to get that.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I really I had a reason at one point, and now I'm just like Yeah, there it is.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm not Jewish, I can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's good, it's good.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, it became kind of a contentious thing.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: The more tattoos that I got.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: Is it addicting getting the tattoos?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_03: Do you have them like all over?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think I have less than 30.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Less than 30.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, barely any.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's in the tattoo world, it's not that many.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but for him, anything more than one was too many.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So did he have any tattoos?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: So um, and I was just very like my body, my choice, sort of a thing.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, I'm libertarian, I'm down with that.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, maybe I don't know.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um he was kind of floating more towards like stoicism.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, nice, and I was floating more towards like Eastern philosophy and whatever.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And um at some point he was like, Well, you're spending my money on this, and I was like, Well, that's hurtful because as a stay-at-home mom, you don't get paid.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that I think that really I think that was where it caused like a little rift for me.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, where I was then like, I don't feel seen and I don't know how to communicate this, and I don't know where to go.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So in my head, my thought was, okay, if this is about money, I guess I need a job.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I was teaching yoga and I decided to um get another job at a restaurant.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I thought, like, you know, I could be a barista or something during the day or whatever.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and ended up getting a job at um a nice Thai place as a hostess.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was like, this is great.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I get to be out at night with uh I'm gonna say adults, in quotes, because people that work at restaurants aren't all adults, but anyway, um the restaurant world is an interesting beast and um yeah.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: So um the more I worked there, I ended up meeting someone um and had an affair.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: So like how do you go?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: How do you go from like, hey, would you here's your table, um, have a nice day or whatever, like enjoy your meal and your waiter will be with you in one second, to an affair.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh well, he was the bartender, so we worked together.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that that okay.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't like someone you just Yeah, no, so we were like together all day Monday and we had a lot of downtime and everybody in the restaurant world does terrible things.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yeah.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: So um so was it like he took you on a date, or you like it was just like No, um, it was more of it just kind of started as a crush of like I have feelings.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: I like being around you.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: I like being around you, and I'm I'm unhappy when I'm at home and I don't know how to express that.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And you made me happier.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you paid attention to my tattoos.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: Nice, and you didn't judge my tattoos.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't, you liked them and you asked me questions and you flirted with me.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you're doing, um unfortunately, and you don't have a good moral compass.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Me being um being kind of dumb, um, and just kind of thinking I'm in my own sort of world, main character world here.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I was kind of thinking like this is meant to be, like this is how my life is supposed to go.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is the way the movie goes.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is the way the movie goes.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so um it was I never crossed any like real physical boundaries until after I told my ex-husband that I wanted to have a or wanted to break up the marriage.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um but and what did he say?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: What was his response to that?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, his response first was um, well, I want the kids.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not I'm gonna fight for you or anything.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was just uh like I want the kids.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that was just kind of just another, I don't know, another hurtful thing that just kind of were you kind of hoping like, no, I love you.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: What are you doing?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it would have been nice to have been loved.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, have felt like I like it almost felt like he was okay with it.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And like maybe this is where we're going, so I'm just gonna let this happen.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um and there wasn't like a lot of fight.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, so I just like took a grenade and just threw it behind me and walked away.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I didn't want to like we took our time to fully separate and uh figure out what we were doing with the kids.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: Other than back the kids.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um for the first year or so, I saw them every week.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I made sure that I was seeing them on a regular basis.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um I um how old were they five and seven, I think.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, and so it was hard.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like the first year was was hard.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I ended up getting an apartment with some person, um, and not that partner um right away.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: But um, and it was just a small situation where I just couldn't really have them around.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: We just didn't have enough space.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I would see them every week.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and eventually, I mean, it's gotten better.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's just always gotten better.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um And I've never not been in their lives.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I made a point of making sure that they felt like I wasn't leaving them.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: So um, but yeah, it was it was hard.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and for a long time my daughter would text me whenever she's at her dad's that like she missed me and she wanted to be with me.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so it was it was pretty hard.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, after um a couple of months after I like told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce, I found out that the guy that I had had the affair with was going to jail.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: Or for what?
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: Jail for what?
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um he was a coke addict.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, yeah.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: So he had a couple of DWIs and had violated his probation.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that's what happens when you work in the restaurant world.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: They literally like hand you a plate of Coke and they're like, Do you want some?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I that's a world that I don't understand.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah, it's a world of like your day starts at like 9 p.m.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: and doesn't stop until 4 a.m.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: or something, and I just don't understand.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't know how that industry exists.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't I just don't even I don't know how I found myself there.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those things where I'm just like how did I get there?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: And this is at the Thai restaurant.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was at a Thai restaurant.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um and eventually, um yeah, so there definitely were times where I should have been and could have been like uh, you know, I'm done.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm done with messing, like like this is clearly not going well.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: Not right.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_03: But he goes to jail, and that was that your sign like to double down, like I would love you and follow you to prison.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: Or was that like a pretty much okay?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: So you're like, I'm I'm in.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a prison wife.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, I threw the grenade behind me, walked away, and I was like, this is uh we gotta make this work.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you do your time, go to timeout, calm down, do your time, and then you know, we'll figure it out when you get back.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not how it happened.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: What happened when he got out?
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Um or how long was he in?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so he was gone for about six months.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Six or seven months.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: Um just a short stint.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I visited him, which is very I wouldn't recommend doing that.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a really odd situation to go visit people in prison.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or not prison, but jail.
• 24:46
  unknown: Yeah.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: Travis County or what?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whichever one's down by the airport.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I know.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: Nice.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um like Dell Valley.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's a good place.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: I've done prison ministry there.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's wow.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: All right, good.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think prison ministry would be interesting, but I don't really want to go like visit my loved ones.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um That's good.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: So you visit him and he's like, I love you.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for waiting.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, kind of, yeah.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, a lot of like gaslighting and love bombing and just all all of the typical things.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um and when he got out, I was like, let's just move in together.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Then I guess in my mind, I was like, I can keep us, I can hold us together here.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can keep an eye on you.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have a safe place to land, and we'll figure this out.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: How much anxiety do you have during this time?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so much.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't think I was registering it.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_03: Oh man, I just like when I hear that, I'm like, anxiety levels had to been through the roof.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: The amount of control you had to exert over everybody around you.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: The amount of control I had to have just to like be in my own home was ridiculous.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_03: And you never went to Coke.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: No, because I think he could stay up longer and do more coke, and then like, wow, it's amazing.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it was actually it was a good thing that he was on probation.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because he couldn't really do anything at first.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: So um, so I don't he d we definitely wasn't sober, but uh we weren't smoking a ton of weed or anything at that time.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: But um he yeah.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um but then COVID happened.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I don't know if this was a smart thing for the people in the prison jail industry, but the they couldn't test people anymore because we couldn't contact, like we couldn't be in the same rooms with people, so then they weren't doing any testing.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: So then he wasn't having his weekly drug test.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: So then it was like a free-for-all.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um, thankfully, as far as I know, he was not doing any coke at that time, but it was we were smoking weed all the time, and neither one of us had jobs because we were on unemployment because we both worked at restaurants, and you couldn't work, so just smoke weed all day.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: So we were just hanging out, smoking weed.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: And was it a big cloud in your apartment?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Probably because the neighbors we were in a duplex and the neighbors also smoked a lot of weed too.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it was just probably uh just a big cloud.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like your street must have been awesome to drive down.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Probably.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it wasn't fun.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was like it would be fun for about 20 minutes and then we'd start arguing about it.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're I have no idea.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: So um you it's just it's you I would just really check out.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_03: So that was like the antithesis of anxiety is I could smoke weed and then I could melt into the couch, and then you're like, I can finally feel my body or whatever.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I can't finally relax.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel every muscle relaxing.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um were you still doing yoga and stuff?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would maybe do it a little bit at home, but at some point, between him being in jail and then COVID stuff, I quit teaching.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: And um, because between COVID, like between having the kids kind of home occasionally for like distance learning and stuff, and then we had just gotten a new dog.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: And him being home, I was like, we did not live in a big enough place, and I did not have the bandwidth to do any online yoga stuff, and that's where everything turned during that time.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I'm out, I'm not doing this anymore.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't have my that was like my morning spiritual practice, right?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_03: So that's gone.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to get up and pull a tarot card and meditate for whatever.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_03: Pull a tarot card.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that was one thing that I was into.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, so witchcraft was a part of yoga?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um or is it just happened?
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_03: It just happened to be like, I know, I will how do you do tarot cards?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the thing the thing that yoga did for me was that it allowed me to have something to like a concrete morality sort of a thing, because I got wait, yoga gives you morality.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, it doesn't, but it gave you a false because you get to learn about Hinduism and Buddhism, and they have their own form of like the Ten Commandments, sort of.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but like different.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: Their Ten Commandments are like don't kill animals and things like that.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stuff like stuff like that.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do no harm, whatever.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so I was like, okay, cool, this is great.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I now have something that I can like a reason that I can give to my kids for why we don't murder.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_03: So hold on, hold on.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: So like instead of going back to Christianity roots, you're like, I'm gonna lean into this new thing that I just figured out because it connects to yoga.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because for me, yoga like opened the door to um learning about other religions for one.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because I think as a kid, I always kind of thought like if Christianity is the the one true religion or whatever, then why are these other religions here?
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do Hindus think that they have the one true religion?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why does why do Buddhists think that?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't really get any answers from that.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so yeah, I it kind of finally gave me a way to learn about anything new agey.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so with yoga comes like chakras and tarot cards and energy and crystals, and essential oils and uh yeah, sort of.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, it's just it's kind of like all of those things kind of get pulled into that.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I dabbled in in everything.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_03: Did you ever like go to like a coven meeting or anything?
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: Was it oh what is that like?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: So um that um they're really dumb.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's all really dumb.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bunch of like, I don't know, it was just a bunch of women, and we're sitting together and like, you know, talking about your feelings and stuff, but also like just a lot of like the universe doesn't want the door to close, and so the door's gonna stay open, and whatever.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of like mumbo jobbo meditating on opening portals and whatever.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's just it was all anybody like do some transcendental, like what is it called when you when you fly to a different part?
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's a portaling thing.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, um, no, I like astro astro projection.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, astrop projection.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, I never experienced that.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: So anybody you know experience?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um the last boyfriend I dated claims he did, but that's a whole different experience.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_03: He might have been a poser, astro projection.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, he also was on a lot of drugs.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: So drugs can also do the same thing.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right, fair enough.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of the point of them, I think, is to enhance the experience.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_03: Did you experience anything demonic?
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um possibly.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um well, yes, for sure.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_03: Um because you're dabbling in all this like witchcraft and darkness and false religions, and I mean I I can't imagine the the demonic realm not being excited about you.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think anxiety can sometimes be its own demon.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: Its own demon.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would have a lot of anxiety and a lot of panic attacks.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, tell me about the panic attack.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I was going.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would get ruminating thoughts and panicky and just anxiety, and I would start just like pacing my house, um, and just not being able to relax, um, not being um yeah, having trouble breathing, things like that.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um never to that extreme.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's it's kind of like all all of the things kind of converge at once because there are so many different aspects to to all of this.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: We've you've got like if you're dabbling in anything, energy, new agey, all of that, you're you're you're opening yourself.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you're really opening up a portal, but you're just you're opening up yourself to the spiritual realm that's darkness.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then you have um to consider too your living environment, uh, what kind of things you're putting into your body.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not only was I smoking weed, I was occasionally doing mushrooms, or I was also give you like more of a um hallucination vibe?
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_03: What would you hallucinate about?
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_03: Um I This is like psychedelics, right?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean psychedelics can just be like you're just things are being shown in like funny colors and things like that.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um but um the biggest sort of um I guess you could call it a hallucination.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um so my grandmother died in 2021.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um my grandmother was like the most Christian woman I have probably ever known.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um to almost like an annoying amount.
• 35:06
  unknown: Okay.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um she was just a very like one, she was a wonderful woman, but she just was like get your life together.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we could just not talk about Jesus every single second of the day.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, um, you know, when you're in your teens and twenties, you're like, grandma, please, um, I'm fine.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I'm doing.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um but um one thing that's funny that I a distinct memory I have from when I was younger, um, I was probably in like sixth grade.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: She took me to the library and she was like, you can get any CDs you want, but just stay away from the new age section, which makes me laugh because I'm like, I don't think Enya ever like pushed anybody over the edge.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, right.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: Enya's not getting people.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but um, but the last couple of years of my life was all new age music.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, I guess there's probably something to this.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um but um yeah, so she died in 2021.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: And in 2022 was when I started doing a lot of energy work.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: I um started um receiving Reiki.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_03: What explain that to me?
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_03: I've heard the term, I wouldn't really know what it means.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter, it's it's a bunch of malarkey.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh so if you've ever seen um like it looks like someone's getting a massage, they're on a table, oh yeah, yeah.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then they just have their hands like like this, or they're just like superpowering, like kind of, yeah.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: So um that is Reiki.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so all it is is someone it's the forces with them.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's really you're just kind of you're you're you're supposed to be like channeling whatever.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know what you're supposed to be channeling, but you're supposed to be channeling things.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you're basically opening yourself up for whatever the client on the table needs.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so I'm doing Reiki.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm receiving a lot of Reiki.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am paying this woman to Reiki so that I can, well, yeah, but also so that I can become a Reiki.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna learn too.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_03: And she teaches you like feel the power.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's not even really a teaching, it's an attunement.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: So they like come and she You are now attuned.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, is pretty much small fee.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for a small fee.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so she um so I was doing all of that, and um I was also questioning my sexuality and trying to figure out okay.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh talk to me how you start questioning your sexuality.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when you date enough men that are like aren't just no, that are just jerks, and then you're like also when your Instagram is telling you that like Black Lives Matter, and you start listening to a lot of Glenn and Doyle, and you just get into this like very liberal, woke trans things are everywhere, and like it doesn't matter what kind of relationship you're in, your sexual identity is different from what the relationship you're in, and all of all of these very confusing things.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_03: So your sexual identity is different from the relationship you're in.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_03: So you have a relationship with a woman that'll take care of that relationship, and then your sexual needs will be taken care of by another relationship.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, I mean the the the in the LGBTQ world, they could make that make sense for sure.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: But it for me it was more I was dating a man, but then I was like, I am having feelings and I don't know if maybe I'm bisexual or whatever, and I'm not necessarily saying I want to act on that.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying that's where I'm at.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: Can we meet somewhere in the middle?
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: Can we figure this out together?
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_03: Can you be non-binary?
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: And no, I never felt that way.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um no, because that would be a different thing.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I sorry.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_03: I probably mean world, I don't even know the terminology.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_03: Go ahead.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's a that's a that's a different thing.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because that could have been added on of like, oh, I'm actually non-binary and I'm bisexual and I'm gender fluid with a man.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's so confusing.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, um, so basically that ended my relationship with the guy that I was dating at that time.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: And um I was just like, screw it.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to help me figure this out, I'll figure it out on my own.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe dating women is the way to go.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: So try dating women.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_00: How'd that go?
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: It did not go well because I'm not a lesbian.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_03: Uh how'd you find that out?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: I dated women.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like, tell me like what like so you're at you're with a woman and you're like talking, and then you're just like, oh my gosh, you won't stop.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh kind of basically.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: Women are a lot.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to, I don't want to date women.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a there, it's there's a reason that men and women work so well together.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's a balance that just has to happen and it just it works so much better.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, okay.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um can you tell me?
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_03: Give me a description of like how do you first how'd you meet a girl?
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh, there's apps.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_03: So you you like you're on the app, you swipe right, I guess.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: Left or right, whatever the other.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_03: And then you go and you go meet them at a coffee shop, her at a coffee shop.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there was also a um speed dating um thing going around for a little while that was like only queer people or like only lesbians.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, yeah, so I went to that a couple of times.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_03: So how was I mean when you sat down and you're like like would would they be like, was there any like gay test?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, are you really gay or lesbians?
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think they might have questioned me.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_03: Because you seem too feminine?
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, because I don't seem gay enough.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think they wanted me to be gay, but I wasn't gay, and they were like, I'm willing to try this out, and but I don't know if you're actually gay.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't know either.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I'm here.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you know until you know?
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's what my mindset was.
• 41:21
  unknown: Wow.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_03: So I mean like this is a lot going on.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_03: There, I mean, like your brain, the anxiousness, the yeah, yeah.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_03: I don't even know, like this.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_03: So there's level one anxiety, is like, I gotta make sure my kids' needs are met.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I gotta make sure like I have food and all that.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_03: Level two is like, I'm doing drugs, and so I gotta figure out how much more drugs.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_03: And then level three is like, I don't even know if I am like a woman or a man or what should I do?
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I have no like it's so you had to had suicidal ideation.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_03: So tell me about that.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what what were your thinking?
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was also at this point, um at this point too, all of the mental health professionals that I saw were like, just take Zoloft or take Prozac, and we'll see how it goes.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that would help a little bit, but then it would stop helping, or would you like get used to it, I guess?
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it takes a few weeks to get used to an SSRI.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um sorry.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: So an SSRI is like Prozac or I got it.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_03: What's that stand for?
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_03: Something, something really interesting?
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: Something in the mental health world that they don't tell you.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um, but it just dulls everything.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: So then like, and nobody and nobody was like, maybe you should stop smoking weed.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, nobody said that.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: They were just like, let's give you this on top of it.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_03: So so they were like, you say, yeah, I smoke weed.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, how much weed you like a bowl or two or three a day?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_03: Um it really I don't even know what a bowl is, but I'm just I just know the term.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say one joint a day.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_03: One joint a day.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, is that a lot?
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh probably a lot, yeah.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's not a lot in the city.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like when I I remember my mom smoking like a pack a day of cigarettes.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't does that correlate at all?
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or um I don't know.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: I never really smoked a ton of cigarettes.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um I would say I was a functioning weedaholic.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_03: Weedaholic.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: So you I could go to work and I would give you the best massage of your life, and it was because I was high.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's the level that I was on.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_03: So, okay, so you're smoking weed.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_03: They give you, you know, you need some more meds.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_03: Some drug, drug, drug, drug, drug, drug.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and you're in your relationship with your prison partner.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um yes.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: So at some point he it got that got to be just pretty, pretty bad.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um it never escalated to physical abuse, but it was definitely emotional and threatening.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_03: Were you dating women while No, no, that was later.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you break it off with him eventually.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_03: How do you break it off?
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, he called me a bad mom.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like the day before Mother's Day.
• 44:11
  unknown: Oh.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, and it was just because he was mad at me.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: So.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, oh.
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, that's the one thing.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nope, I'm done.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_03: You could like beat me down.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_03: But you can't call me a bad mom.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that was the the end of it for me.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was like, I my kids are loved.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: My kids are happy.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: My kids have what they need.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: They might not be with me every single moment of the day, but like I love my kids.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_00: Did he know that that would Oh, I'm sure I'm sure he did.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_03: So so he's out.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_03: So how do you get him out of the house?
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just Oh, I just told him he had to leave.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then I called the cops.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_03: Nice.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_03: The cops.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I was like, there's no way this guy just leaves.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, the cops.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: He probably actually would have.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: But um he, I was like, I know that'll get his attention.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: So called the cops on him.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: And um he was very cordial with the cops, um, because he knows how to smooth things over very well, and he knows just he knows what he's doing.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: So um, and the cops were like, Well, he's been getting mail here for over a month, so that means he lives here, because that's how Texas works.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even if you're not on a lease, if you're getting mail somewhere for over a month, you I don't know if it's squatters' rights, but that's what it is.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: So they were like, You can ask him to leave.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can't like officially evict him because he's well, I think I could have You'd have to give an eviction notice.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think I could do the eviction notice, but either way, they were like, you can't just kick him out and tell him to leave.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he has to leave willingly.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_03: So And so did he leave.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he did.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, nice.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_00: He did.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_00: I I moved out for a couple of days in with a friend just to like calm things down a little bit, and then he um talked to his parents and like got something figured out or whatever, and he moved out like a week or two later.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so how old are you at this point?
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um 34, 35.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and he how old was he?
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: A little bit younger, 30, 31, 32, something like that.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so yeah, you kick him out.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_03: You're now dating girls-ish.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_03: You're figuring it out.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I dated a guy in between there, but um that was not that important.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_03: But okay, so he so then started dating women.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_03: Started dating women, and then you're like, I can't stand women.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_03: Um how old did you ever have like a relationship or did it like go for like a week or um or just one one at one night?
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, with the with women?
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 46:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um was like one night stands?
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, more like one night stands.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but also uh like I would maybe like date someone for like a month and then they would be like, I want to put a ring on it, and I'm like, uh, excuse me.
• 46:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I mean, not necessarily want to put a ring on it, but like, I want to define it, DTR it.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's called U-hauling in the lesbian world.
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: They want to they want to move fast.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: So um wait, yeah, give me okay.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's called U-hauling.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because lesbians move in very quickly.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's lesbians move very, very quickly.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_03: Well, of course they do.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_03: That makes total sense.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like you usually dudes are fair commitment, they're like, We're committing.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's great.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_00: So they would be like a month in, we'd have gone on like, you know, X amount of dates or whatever, and then they're like, Can we define this and whatever?
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't actually know.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then they're like, Okay, well, I don't think you're a lesbian, so I'm out.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, I guess whatever.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the last, the last what would you do on dates?
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we'd go to there's gay bars, um, and we'd go to go on walks, go to coffee shops.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean normal dates that you'd like.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a comedy show.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was a lesbian comedy show, but normal-ish things, yeah.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: But but okay, that's good.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_03: What would you wear?
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_00: Clothes.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_03: No, I mean like, are you wearing a dress?
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_03: Are you wearing, are you going like you shaving the side of your head?
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_03: What's going on?
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, well, okay.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I did shave my head a couple of times.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't make sure that like when you're in a bad relationship, that is one sign of either being just out or being on the way out, is you shave your head.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: So did you full?
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_03: Full thing.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_03: You full shave.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it wasn't like Connor back in the day.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_03: Shit.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, wow.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and like dyed my hair various different colors and so they're always blue.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, green, blue, pink.
• 48:35
  unknown: Yeah.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_03: Standard.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_00: At one point I did the whole like kind of longer on top, shaved around is not none of these are good looks.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_03: But but at least identifies you with a certain culture and like you are definitely gay.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or lesbian.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or trying to be.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I fit the the label.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so yeah.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 48:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the last woman that I that I dated, she broke up with me via text message right before we were supposed to meet up, and that was the end of it for me.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm done with this.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm done with women.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done with, and it wasn't necessarily done with women, but I was like, I am done with like trying to make a relationship happen.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: I am quite frankly, I was like, I'm gonna have a hoe face.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not that that wasn't a hoe face before, but I was like, I'm gonna have a hoe face.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_03: So all right, so then you did you go back to dudes?
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh well, I went on Tinder and I was it was open to anyone.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the first person I met was my last boyfriend who I dated for two years.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_03: Oh.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_03: So you're like, I'm gonna be a hoe, but then you ended up dating for two years.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's funny.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_03: So okay, so then, all right, so you're going through this insane part of your life.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 49:46
  SPEAKER_03: Any part where Jesus like goes like, hey, remember me?
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um not specifically, although, as I said, my grandma had died.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_00: In 2022, I started hearing a voice, and the voice was just saying, I am here to help.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: And because I was doing all of that Reiki and all that energy work and everything, and I'm like hopped up on weed and mushrooms and whatever.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I think this is my grandma.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's my grandma.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: I talked to a tarot reader who was really bad.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_00: She was a really bad tarot reader.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean she was like fake or something, or she just gave me really bad information and like wrong stuff.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, ah, you're magic works.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_03: But she always works some of the time.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: She told me at one point, she was like, Yeah, you're that's that's your grandma.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's saying that it that she's on the other side and she was wrong and whatever.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, uh maybe, maybe, I don't know.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_00: But um I just always attributed this voice to my grandma.
• 50:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it would just say, I'm here to help.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I'm here to help.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: And through Reiki, I would try to talk to the voice, and I would never get any other answers.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like never got anything other than I'm here to help.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that was it.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then kind of stopped um for a little while and then started hearing that voice again in 2025.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_03: So you start hearing that voice again.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_03: Anything prompt that?
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: So um, like I said, I started dating um that guy that I met on Tinder.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what attracted me to him uh was that um, like the first thing he told me about himself was that he had spent three months at an ayahuasca retreat um earlier that year.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_03: Like is that where they do like the hut or whatever and you sweat it out?
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um he's done a sweat lodge before, but so ayahuasca.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so like in the plant medicine world.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, the your your school, so go for it.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_00: In the plant medicine world, you've got like your mushrooms down here, and then you've got there's other ones.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's like San Pedro is a cactus that you can drink, and then there's like ayahuasca is up in here, and then you've got Iboga, which you might have heard of Ibogaine because of the vet world.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Ibogaine is becoming a popular thing because it's supposed to be uh real the synthetic version is ibogaine, and that is what they're like Rick Perry is pushing this for uh vet uh PTSD and things like that.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_03: So oh, veterans.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, when when you first said vet, I thought we were on animals.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_03: So no, I appreciate yes, got it.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm fully aware.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_03: Got it, got it, thank you.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_03: So I was like, man, they have vets that are like really into it go ahead, sorry.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, um, and like somewhere in there is like the the the frog venom one or what like the the toad lick and stuff and like all of this.
• 52:53
  SPEAKER_03: South African, like this is all there's all these different levels.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_03: So he was like an ayahuasca, like level three.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so he was like ayahuasca, which is like in my opinion, I'm like that's like the grandfather, and then like Iboga and Ibegain is like the great grandfather.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so um I met him and he was like into that, and he was into yoga, um, and he also um went to um a weekly or he went a couple of times a week um to a Kirtan group, which um the wildest story.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like Kirtan, I have no idea what that word means.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like that has never come out of it.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_03: My lips or heard anything come out of it.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: So um a Kirtan is um through it's kind of a branch of the Hari Krishna's.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um so if you've ever heard anybody do the Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hari, Hari, Hari Rama, Hari Rama, Rama, Rama, Hari, Hari, that is the one main chant chant that this particular group would do in a kirton.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and a kirtan is just you just chanting meditation.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_03: Um you say something long enough, then you've your brain sort of floats away to kind of yep, and it's really fun.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like it there's music and you're like getting into it, and like sometimes they'll like change the song to be like a credence clear water revival theme, but it's Hare Krishna, and it's just it's fun.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's really fun.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you get food too.
• 54:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're really good Indian food.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um so but the branch that he was part of is the um Krishna Kant.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, no.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's the okay, so um Tulsi Gabbard.
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um she is a guru.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: Her guru, um, like people are like up in arms a little bit about her guru because he's a cult leader.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so he is of course, like this is all the same lineage, they say, of um, and so his is a whole branch off of the like main Hare Krishna group.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's the um, oh science of identity of science of identity foundation is the group.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yeah, it's a cult.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_03: Um case you were wondering where you stood on that, yeah.
• 55:19
  SPEAKER_03: Definitely cult.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um what's funny is that the people that are mad about Tulsi Gabbard having this guru is they're mad because he is anti-Muslim and anti-LGBTQ.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, those are like the least of the problems.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like it he's worshiping the wrong god, all whatever.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, people in the world are mad about the wrong thing.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_01: So there you go.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so he was doing that, and I was like, that's cool.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do that.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I would go do that.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and yeah, you could go and do just the chanting, the Hare Krishna, and you know, eat the food and um go home and go on your way and have a nice little meditation or whatever.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but he took it further and he would go to um if you've ever seen the like the beaded necklaces that people wear, that it's not a rosary, but it like a lot of yoga people wear them.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, yeah.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's called a mala or a joppa.
• 56:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um wow.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those are prayer beads.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so kind of like doing a rosary, you have one prayer per um per bead.
• 56:34
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but when you would go, he'd go Sunday nights to um see his spiritual teacher talk about stuff from the Baiba Bhagita or something.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and they would do uh a bunch of rounds of Japa meditation.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you're just in a room with a bunch of people doing Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hari, Hari, Hari Rama, Hari Rama, Rama, Rama, Hari, Hari, as fast as you can for each bead.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're just trying to do that over and over and over again because the whole point is if you say Krishna's name enough, you will reach enlightenment and Krishna consciousness, and that I that's the end or something.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah, that is wild.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you're in the midst of all this.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_03: You're you're getting a voice that says, I'm here to help.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_03: How in the world do you get like, I'm ready to go find a church?
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like, uh, that's the part that I'm like, yeah, because you're in East Austin, which isn't exactly like just having evangelists all over the place, and you're and I don't know anybody either.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know anybody.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_03: How in the world do you go?
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_03: I know the person I was on the PTA board how many years ago?
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_03: She's a Christian.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna go uh go to whatever church she goes to.
• 57:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_00: So um I'm in this relationship and we're constantly kind of like fighting and like you know, breaking up for a day and back together or whatever, and just like trying to figure things out, and it's not working.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um his boss gave him a couple books that were from different gurus or something.
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I started reading one, and it literally said, I am here to bring the cult of Krishna to the US.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, I'm not reading this book anymore.
• 58:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I was like, Well, if I'm gonna read something that has to be as a spiritual thing, then I'm going to read something that I understand and that I'm familiar with.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_00: So um I and I started thinking, if this voice is my grandma, what would my grandma want me to do?
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_00: And because I wasn't getting any answers from the voice, and the voice wasn't going away.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even when I would ask it nicely, it would not go away, just wouldn't stop.
• 58:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it would never elaborate on here to help.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to help.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to help.
• 59:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to help.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_03: Just always there.
• 59:06
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much.
• 59:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I had even tried like incorporating in my grandma into like a Reiki session or whatever.
• 59:14
  SPEAKER_00: And like that wasn't doing anything, and uh none of nothing was working.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing was working.
• 59:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, well, my grandma would want me to read my Bible and go to church.
• 59:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's what my grandma would want me to do.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I couldn't go to church yet because I was working Sundays, so I was like, I can get a Bible.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I got a Bible, and I was um, I started reading, you know, just started reading in Genesis and like got burnt out by like Exodus or something, of course.
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_00: And because I was like, oh, this is just a lot, and I just feel bad.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so then I like jumped to the New Testament and um and that was fine, but I just didn't feel like I had any real direction.
• 59:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm just like still in this relationship, and and being with him was very confusing because on the one hand, he had all of the Hare Krishna stuff, which was like his moral compass, but then he was also very much into conservative politics.
• 1:00:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, really?
• 1:00:20
  SPEAKER_00: And was like addicted to watching conservative YouTube.
• 1:00:23
  SPEAKER_03: And hold on, hold on, hold on.
• 1:00:25
  SPEAKER_03: He's into all the crazy drugs, not drugs, just Hare Krishna.
• 1:00:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and weed and okay, so drugs.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_00: Smoking weed every day, and conservative politics.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:00:34
  SPEAKER_00: And none of these things, like I love, you have your like your little diagrams, and they all go together and they work.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_00: His did not line up.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing on his Venn diagrams matched.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_00: Two different circles that he would go in.
• 1:00:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like weed and and uh uh mushrooms and all of the plant medicine, Hare Krishna and conservative politics, and nothing matched up.
• 1:00:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I So how did you feel about conservative politics?
• 1:00:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I understood it.
• 1:01:00
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 1:01:01
  SPEAKER_00: My my family's conservative.
• 1:01:02
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:01:03
  SPEAKER_00: So like I understood it.
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_03: You were like, yeah, it makes sense.
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and what was actually fortuitous or God divined or whatever, but like he was able to show me how wrong all of the woke stuff was.
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because we were together when like when Kamala Harris got announced to be the you know, next president.
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I'm excited to be able to vote for a woman.
• 1:01:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, You should probably think about that.
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually listened and paid attention, and I was like, oh, okay, actually, no, I I over time slowly started to see like, oh, everything that I've been told over here is wrong.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:01:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I wasn't I wasn't opposed to it at all.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 1:01:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, there's a little too much like intensity, intensity, and like too many like gun videos that you're watching.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just uh I I'm like, I just can't take it all day long.
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like YouTube all day long is lots of gun videos, it's just too much.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_03: So Second Amendment, let's go.
• 1:02:14
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:02:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and also, and I'm like, you're watching all of this stuff from people who've actually been to war and you can't even get out of your bed.
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come on.
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_03: Um was it like watching Sean Ryan podcasts and that okay, yeah.
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:02:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um Joe Rogan Hall.
• 1:02:30
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, so lots of conspiracy theories too.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I enjoy conspiracy theory.
• 1:02:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just like everybody else.
• 1:02:36
  SPEAKER_00: However, also, there is just a limit that I can't.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_03: I just like tinfoil hat, it's just feeling tight right now.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so yeah, he had us getting like our go bags ready and whatnot, and I was like, I don't know.
• 1:02:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't afford to just build a go bag, so it's half built or whatever.
• 1:02:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and yeah, he was just constantly freaking out about stuff.
• 1:02:59
  SPEAKER_01: So okay, it's great.
• 1:03:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, keep going.
• 1:03:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then Charlie Kirk died.
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really know a ton about Charlie Kirk, other than I had seen a few of his videos, and I was like, seems pretty reasonable.
• 1:03:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:03:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I'm like, he's just asking this girl with blue hair to say what she wants to say, and the girl's just yelling at him.
• 1:03:21
  SPEAKER_00: So that seems, you know, he seems reasonable.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:03:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we were already on the road to breaking up, but that sparked a conversation between us of just like a general religion conversation.
• 1:03:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I just don't like I don't want to be told what to do.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't like that you know, if a religion tells me that I have to do X, Y, Z.
• 1:03:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was pointing out that with his religion, that you know, you kind of have to be a vegetarian and you have to kind of live a certain way.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, it's not a religion, and I was like, Well, it is.
• 1:04:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and um basically in that conversation, I came to the conclusion that I can't there's no human in the world that I can trust with my soul.
• 1:04:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:04:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like he pretty much was like, you can trust me on this, and and I was like, Yeah, but you're human.
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're not you're not God.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can't trust you with my soul.
• 1:04:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not just gonna like hand you my soul and just be like, all right, I'm in on Krishna because you say so.
• 1:04:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because like I've known you for two years.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:04:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sorry, you have not proven that to me yet.
• 1:04:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you are very falluable.
• 1:04:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then the conversation just kind of died, and we just went to our separate bedrooms and went to bed.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought about that, and I realized that there was a human that did walk the earth that I can trust.
• 1:05:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, and that's Jesus.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 1:05:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like that thought just came to you.
• 1:05:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I I mean, I think I had always known that, yeah, but I think it just kind of finally clicked that I was like, oh I've been searching for a partner to trust or whatever.
• 1:05:32
  SPEAKER_00: I've been searching for I just keep searching for meaning.
• 1:05:36
  SPEAKER_00: I keep searching for something to put my eggs in their basket, and like it just everything comes up short.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like everything comes up short.
• 1:05:45
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah.
• 1:05:50
  SPEAKER_00: The the the one thing that doesn't come up short though is is Jesus.
• 1:05:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:05:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um Yeah.
• 1:06:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was still very much smoking weed.
• 1:06:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a very like profound moment where I was like, I'm giving Jesus my heart and whatever.
• 1:06:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's this little green stone.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here you go.
• 1:06:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then after that, I was like, I can't smoke weed anymore.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do this anymore.
• 1:06:23
  SPEAKER_03: And so what convicted you about weed?
• 1:06:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, uh to me, that's oh well, um I had the biggest hangover in my life.
• 1:06:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um So God's gift to you was a hangover.
• 1:06:34
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I've never had a hangover from from weed, but I I guess I had an edible too many or something, and I oh my god had a headache for two days and was like, I can't do this anymore.
• 1:06:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I had tried like Did you like so you haven't had since?
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 1:06:50
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I have I've had times where I've stopped smoking weed before.
• 1:06:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um the longest I had ever gone before was 10 months, and but that was on my own.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and now I'm almost to 11 months, and I don't have any like there's no desire.
• 1:07:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing, there's it's just that's just gone.
• 1:07:15
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so who so you had all these dudes and chicks, I guess.
• 1:07:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um not really that.
• 1:07:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like filling up your life, searching for relationship.
• 1:07:23
  SPEAKER_03: You find Jesus, uh, you started coming to our church, and then did you find friends?
• 1:07:28
  SPEAKER_03: Did did that happen?
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:07:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I just knew the as much as like I fought growing up in a Christian family.
• 1:07:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um the really great thing about it is that I just knew what I needed to do.
• 1:07:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, I I know exactly what I need to do.
• 1:07:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know the next steps.
• 1:07:54
  SPEAKER_00: The next steps are I need to get baptized, I need to go to a church, I need to start reading the Bible more, I need to make Christian friends because I don't have any Christian friends.
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_00: So like I need to, I need to get that community, I need to do this.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_00: And um but you just knew that?
• 1:08:09
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I I I guess that that I guess I don't know that that's that's amazing to me.
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when you grow up in when you grow up in church, when you're like, of course that makes sense.
• 1:08:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just I yeah, I and I mean I went to Christian school for forever.
• 1:08:25
  SPEAKER_00: Forever.
• 1:08:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um 10 out of the 12 years that I was in school, I went at Christian school.
• 1:08:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like that I was beat over the head with the Bible many times.
• 1:08:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I just I knew that like I never got baptized before, so I needed to go get baptized.
• 1:08:42
  SPEAKER_00: So um, and I would have done it like the next day, but I was like, I one didn't have a church yet, and two, I wanted my family there, and so when Kids City did it there, did it there.
• 1:08:52
  SPEAKER_03: Um was that at a church, at a pool?
• 1:08:53
  SPEAKER_03: How'd you guys do it?
• 1:08:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, it was at my my sister's church.
• 1:08:57
  SPEAKER_00: She's the children's ministry leader for her church, and um her does she have any tattoos?
• 1:09:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh she does.
• 1:09:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um very small one, it's tasteful.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um but uh yeah, um, so my brother-in-law did it because I was like, you're a neutral person in my life, and like you can handle this, and I will be adjusted crying mess, and I just yeah, you know, I was like, I just need to do it.
• 1:09:24
  SPEAKER_03: Were you a crying mess?
• 1:09:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, of course.
• 1:09:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm still a crying mess all the time.
• 1:09:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, and um, and my family would have come here to do it, but I was like, I it just made more sense.
• 1:09:38
  SPEAKER_00: It just felt right, it made more sense, and so I was like, I'll just go do that.
• 1:09:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um and yeah, I was like, I I know what I need to do.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so tell me about the friends you made.
• 1:09:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like, and like go to a community group?
• 1:09:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, so I started going to the Nelson's community group um the first day I went.
• 1:09:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they had actually canceled, and um Christine was out of town, and so I was like walking around the parking lot, and I like ended up like talking to some people that were going into Raggedy Ann's and I was like, y'all aren't here for uh community group, are you?
• 1:10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And they were like, What are you talking about?
• 1:10:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's a church nearby.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um I was like, hey, I it could happen.
• 1:10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but uh yeah, um, so started coming.
• 1:10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's been great.
• 1:10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, it's just it's been really great.
• 1:10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's great to like be in a group where I don't have to feel I think growing up I I felt judgment in Christian circles.
• 1:10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I but I don't think it's really judgment, I think it's like not understanding.
• 1:10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's really easy to judge something that you don't understand.
• 1:10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um and um like my parents, their their testimonies are very vanilla compared to mine.
• 1:11:05
  SPEAKER_03: And so they don't were they praying for you?
• 1:11:08
  SPEAKER_03: Were they so excited because they believe it?
• 1:11:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:11:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, did they know that you were how bad it was?
• 1:11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh eventually.
• 1:11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um uh actually I don't know if they if they if they watch this.
• 1:11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't know if they know everything, but they they will if they watch this.
• 1:11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um but uh they I know that they were praying.
• 1:11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Um and I think listen, I know this is I want to encourage some grandmas out there because we have grandmas that watch Pastor Plex podcast and they have kids that are not following Jesus and they feel like I what will I do if they don't turn?
• 1:11:41
  SPEAKER_03: And the fact that it was after your grandma's d death that prompted you to think about Jesus, I think is real, it speaks a sense of peace that God does have the whole world in his hands.
• 1:11:53
  SPEAKER_03: You treat up a child in the way they'll go and they're older, they won't depart from it, even if they take a long detour.
• 1:11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't actually think that was my grandma now.
• 1:12:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think it was Jesus, right?
• 1:12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think it had to have the Holy Spirit.
• 1:12:06
  SPEAKER_03: She would read the Bible and pray.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and and also too, I thought about it after, and I'm like, my grandma would not be coming back down to talk to me.
• 1:12:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, like she would.
• 1:12:16
  SPEAKER_00: She's she's she's up there singing with angels.
• 1:12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, she's not coming back down to talk to me.
• 1:12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh good.
• 1:12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because that's like the last thing on her mind.
• 1:12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and well, I'm sure she cares, but she's got other things to work on.
• 1:12:28
  SPEAKER_00: She's got other things that she's been looking forward to her whole life, so she's doing other things.
• 1:12:32
  SPEAKER_00: But um how about the anxiety?
• 1:12:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like, tell me about how you're dealing with that now.
• 1:12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I am not on SSRIs, not smoking weed.
• 1:12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I will occasionally take a papranerole because of the panic attacks that I've had, which is just a beta blocker.
• 1:12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that is it's pretty much gone.
• 1:12:53
  SPEAKER_03: And then do you have people pray for you?
• 1:12:54
  SPEAKER_03: Are you like involved with like women and that kind of thing?
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um not lesbian women?
• 1:13:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, no.
• 1:13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah.
• 1:13:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, in our community group, we're always praying for each other.
• 1:13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, and I just ran the moms group thing on Mondays.
• 1:13:09
  SPEAKER_00: So um that was great.
• 1:13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was really good.
• 1:13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I knew it would be like all the younger moms or moms with younger kids.
• 1:13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Um to eat someone who has a little bit of experience.
• 1:13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's also just it's just nice.
• 1:13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's just nice to be able to do that.
• 1:13:22
  SPEAKER_03: So what are you so what do you do now?
• 1:13:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like, are you still massaging?
• 1:13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so for the time being, um I don't a hundred percent love it.
• 1:13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um pays the bills and does the things.
• 1:13:34
  SPEAKER_00: It pays the bills, but it hurts my body and it's lonely.
• 1:13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm working one-on-one with somebody, but half the time they fall asleep and I don't see them again.
• 1:13:44
  SPEAKER_00: So it's um where do you do it out of?
• 1:13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm at a studio down south, and then um I work from home.
• 1:13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I do out calls occasionally.
• 1:13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, very cool.
• 1:13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 1:13:57
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:13:57
  SPEAKER_03: So let me just like kind of to wrap this up because I can't believe we went for like over an hour.
• 1:14:01
  SPEAKER_03: Uh but it's been surprised.
• 1:14:03
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's like your story is so incredible.
• 1:14:05
  SPEAKER_03: And I know there are people, if you have any questions that you want Bobby to answer, we'll bring her back on because she's that awesome.
• 1:14:11
  SPEAKER_03: The the number is 737-231-0605.
• 1:14:13
  SPEAKER_03: Text in and let us know.
• 1:14:14
  SPEAKER_03: But Bobby, is there anything that you want to like, hey, here's my heart.
• 1:14:19
  SPEAKER_03: I've I've been through it.
• 1:14:20
  SPEAKER_03: And whether, you know, talk to the different people at different stages.
• 1:14:24
  SPEAKER_03: How about the the teenager, the teenager Bobby?
• 1:14:27
  SPEAKER_03: If you go talk to her, the 20-something Bobby just in a cruddy marriage, uh, and then like woke Bobby.
• 1:14:36
  SPEAKER_03: Um talk to those, talk to those different Bobbies for a second.
• 1:14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I don't know, you're putting me on the spot, but um yeah, I would just say that I think deep down when you really sit and actually listen to what your gut is telling you.
• 1:15:03
  SPEAKER_00: If your gut is telling you that something is not right with what you're doing or what you're thinking about doing, check it with other people with scripture and pray about it.
• 1:15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um which might feel weird if you're not praying to God.
• 1:15:27
  SPEAKER_00: It who cares?
• 1:15:29
  SPEAKER_00: God doesn't care what your prayers look like.
• 1:15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um so those gut feelings when you feel like this just isn't right, there's there's something to that.
• 1:15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, it's good.
• 1:15:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:15:45
  SPEAKER_03: That would say the early Bobby?
• 1:15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would say that to myself at any stage.
• 1:15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God.
• 1:15:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there's even woke Bobby.
• 1:15:51
  SPEAKER_03: We'd probably say, like, hey.
• 1:15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 1:15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I mean, there's so many things that I'm like, um, I don't think whatever I'm hearing on this podcast is completely accurate.
• 1:16:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're twisting words around to make them sound like whatever, like the whole all of the gender stuff and all of all of the things is like when you listen to Kamala Harris, did you ever go, wow, she's smart?
• 1:16:14
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 1:16:14
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:16:15
  SPEAKER_03: There was never a point though, like in your awokeness, being like, man, what she just said made a lot of sense and inspired.
• 1:16:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, I kind of fell into like a Glenn and Doyle hole a little bit every once in a while, and I'd be like, Oh, yeah, that's really like you just have to like actually think about what the word means or what what the history says, and it's like, you're telling me that Lincoln was gay, okay.
• 1:16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like, no, none of that's like, I don't know where you're getting your information, but there's yeah, there's all kinds of stuff that people say that I was just like, if it doesn't sound right, maybe go check it out.
• 1:16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Nice.
• 1:16:44
  SPEAKER_03: I like that.
• 1:16:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:16:45
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, thanks so much for joining us.
• 1:16:47
  SPEAKER_03: We'll see you next time on Pastor Flex Podcast.
• 1:16:49
  SPEAKER_03: Have an awesome week.