Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1184 - 95% of Parents Don’t Have This One Thing - But We All NEED It

Transcript

#1184 - 95% of Parents Don’t Have This One Thing - But We All NEED It · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: What is the one question that can change your parenting
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  Speaker 1: every single day? Help you'd be a better parent and
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  Speaker 1: help your children to feel like they are in a
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  Speaker 1: home where they can truly flourish. Welcome to the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families Podcast, Real parenting solutions every day in Australia's most
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  Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. My name is doctor Justin Colson. I
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  Speaker 1: would normally be joined by my wife, missus Happy Families Kylie. Unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: because of the way life goes sometimes she's not with
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  Speaker 1: us today. However, I'm going to share with you the
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  Speaker 1: one thing I'm not talk about, a video quite honestly,
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  Speaker 1: that completely destroyed my ego and changed my parenting. There's
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  Speaker 1: a bit of context here, So here's the context. I've
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  Speaker 1: been a surfer for nearly forty years, which makes me
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  Speaker 1: say a lot older than I am. And maybe maybe
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  Speaker 1: I am that old, but I don't feel like I
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  Speaker 1: should be old enough to be able to say that
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  Speaker 1: surfing has been a source of joy, a source of
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  Speaker 1: identity throughout my worfe life, and I've always considered myself
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  Speaker 1: to be a pretty decent surfer. I would say that
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  Speaker 1: I would be an above average surfer when I'm out
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  Speaker 1: in the water. I look at who else is surfing
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  Speaker 1: and what they're doing. I'm like, yeah, I can compete
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  Speaker 1: pretty well here. Big waves, love them with a surfing
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  Speaker 1: Bring it on. I'm not afraid of the cold water.
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  Speaker 1: Surfing isn't just what I do. Surfer is who I am.
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  Speaker 1: But despite all those years of catching waves, since I
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  Speaker 1: was a like eleven, twelve, thirteen something like that, I've
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  Speaker 1: never really had the time, all the resources to go
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  Speaker 1: on a proper surf trip. More significantly, I've never seen
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  Speaker 1: photos of myself or video of myself surfing. Kylie has
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  Speaker 1: never come to the beach with me to watch. We've
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  Speaker 1: always had too many kids and too many other things
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  Speaker 1: going on, and Kylie's pretty much said, I can't think
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  Speaker 1: of anything more boring than laying on the sand and
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  Speaker 1: watching you have fun in the surf. So I've never
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  Speaker 1: seen photos, never seen video of me surfing. That changed
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  Speaker 1: late last year, when after several years of waiting and
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  Speaker 1: saving and planning, I finally jumped on an aeroplane to
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  Speaker 1: a tropical paradise with perfect waves and empty lineups, And
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  Speaker 1: at the end of my first day in the water,
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  Speaker 1: I sat down to review some photos and videos of
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  Speaker 1: my wives, because Kylie was with me, and one of
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  Speaker 1: my mates and his wife came along. So Kylie and
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  Speaker 1: Sues were on the beach taking photos and getting some video.
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  Speaker 1: I couldn't wait. I was so excited. Showed me the video.
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  Speaker 1: Did you get that wave where I did? Like? I
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  Speaker 1: was really pumped. The best way to say what happened
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  Speaker 1: next is that my exhilaration became despair. In fact, I
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  Speaker 1: might have called myself a gumby. I'm pretty sure I
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  Speaker 1: just muttered to myself, I'm actually a gumby. Like I
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  Speaker 1: felt like I was doing these huge turns, these huge calves,
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  Speaker 1: water spraying everywhere, looking totally pro. In reality, my surfing
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  Speaker 1: moves were somewhat less dramatic and quite uncoordinated. As we
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  Speaker 1: walked back to our room that night, I said to Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: I don't even know why we're here. I think that
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  Speaker 1: I should let's just come home. We can get a
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  Speaker 1: midnight flight. We're going to go home. I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to surf ever again. I think I need a new hobby.
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  Speaker 1: Let's take up lawn bowls. Maybe surely I can be
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  Speaker 1: better at lawn bowls than I am at surfing. But
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  Speaker 1: we went to sleep. Something shifted overnight. The next morning,
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  Speaker 1: I headed straight to the surfer's heart, where the local
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  Speaker 1: pro was waiting with his Usually it was just a
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  Speaker 1: happy guy. He's sitting there with his great, big green
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  Speaker 1: He sees me he's just done, and before he could
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  Speaker 1: say anything else, I just jumped straight in smiley. I
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  Speaker 1: watched some video of myself surfing yesterday. I really thought
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  Speaker 1: I was better than I am. Well. He was really
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  Speaker 1: kind about it. He said, no, no, no, you're a
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  Speaker 1: good surfer. In fact, you're better than the average surfer
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  Speaker 1: that we get here at the resort. And I responded,
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  Speaker 1: I was pretty brutal on myself, but I'm not as
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  Speaker 1: good as I thought I was. I'm really really down
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  Speaker 1: after yesterday. And then I asked what I think became
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  Speaker 1: a transformative question. If there was just one thing that
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  Speaker 1: I could do today to improve, what would you suggest?
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  Speaker 1: Each day from that point we had a daily conversation
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  Speaker 1: There's one thing I could do today to improve, what
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  Speaker 1: would you suggest? Several days in a row it was
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  Speaker 1: the same thing, But by the end of the week
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  Speaker 1: my surfing can improve so dramatically that other guests were
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  Speaker 1: asking whether I had a secret twin brother who was
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  Speaker 1: much more talented than I was, because I'd become a
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  Speaker 1: better surfer. What was the secret? The secret was self awareness.
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  Speaker 1: Now here's something that's really hard for me to say.
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  Speaker 1: Every now and again, my kids have got the video
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  Speaker 1: camera recording on their phones and they'll play back video.
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  Speaker 1: I'll hear myself on the video. So they were recording something.
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  Speaker 1: I'd walked into the room and said something like would
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  Speaker 1: you tidy this mess up? Or would you please be
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  Speaker 1: nice to your sister or whatever it is. And then
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  Speaker 1: later when I hear that video played back, I kind
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  Speaker 1: of cringe. I think, Wow, did I sound like that?
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  Speaker 1: Here I am. I'm supposed to be this parenting expert
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  Speaker 1: who knows how to get it right all the time,
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  Speaker 1: and I get it so wrong. Seeing ourselves as we
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  Speaker 1: really are can be incredibly uncomfortable, but it's essential for
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  Speaker 1: our growth. Like my surfing reality check led to rapid improvement.
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  Speaker 1: Parents who are able to develop self awareness often see
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  Speaker 1: dramatic positive changes in their family relationships. When I used
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  Speaker 1: to be in radio many decades ago, after each shift,
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  Speaker 1: I would sit down with my boss and we would
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  Speaker 1: review all the things that I spoke about. There was
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  Speaker 1: technology that allowed recording to occur. Every time I turned
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  Speaker 1: the mic on, my voice break would be recorded so
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  Speaker 1: we could sit down and just listen to the things
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  Speaker 1: that I said on the radio. That created an incredible
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  Speaker 1: sense of self awareness. I learned what I sounded like.
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  Speaker 1: I learned how a smile in my voice changed the
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  Speaker 1: way that I spoke compared to if I didn't have
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  Speaker 1: the smile in my voice and I was speaking like this.
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  Speaker 1: I learned these little things and learned to be self aware,
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  Speaker 1: and that improved my capacity my professionalism on air as
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  Speaker 1: a radio announcer. Self awareness is the key. After the break,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you how you can see yourself
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  Speaker 1: more clearly and give you three steps to better parenting
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  Speaker 1: through self awareness. Research from Tasha Yurick shows that while
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  Speaker 1: ninety five percent of people think they're self aware, only
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  Speaker 1: about ten to fifteen percent of people actually are. This
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  Speaker 1: is known as the self awareness gap, and it affects
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  Speaker 1: us in all aspects of our lives, but particularly our parenting,
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  Speaker 1: much much, much much more than we might realize. If
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  Speaker 1: we can develop self awareness, we will see dramatic positive
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  Speaker 1: changes in our family relationships. The trick is that ninety
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  Speaker 1: five percent of us already think that we are self aware.
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  Speaker 1: That's the great challenge. There are other studies that demonstrate
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  Speaker 1: that parents with greater self awareness show improved emotional awareness
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  Speaker 1: of both themselves and their children. They regulate better, and
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  Speaker 1: they're much more consistent with their parenting behaviors. So there
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  Speaker 1: are tremendous advantages to having to developing the capacity to
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  Speaker 1: be self aware and know what our face looks like
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  Speaker 1: or know how our voice sounds as we're doing and
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  Speaker 1: saying what we are towards our children or towards our husband, wife, partner.
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  Speaker 1: When we see ourselves clearly, we are more effective in
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  Speaker 1: our relationships. I think the best example of this might
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  Speaker 1: be how many times have we said I never yell,
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  Speaker 1: and then our spouse or a partner says, what about yesterday?
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  Speaker 1: And what about that thing two days ago? And what
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  Speaker 1: about blah? And they point out three instances from the
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  Speaker 1: past week, and we go, oh, okay, well that wasn't
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  Speaker 1: really yelling, and it's like hello self awareness. Or we've
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  Speaker 1: said yeah, I always listen to my kids while we're
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  Speaker 1: ironically scrolling through our phone during their story about school,
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  Speaker 1: like my surfing experience. The gap between our perceived and
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  Speaker 1: our actual parenting skills often only becomes visible when we
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  Speaker 1: see ourselves through an objective lens, which is so hard
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  Speaker 1: because we're so subjective. Mike, this is hard to say.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes this comes through video. I shared how shocked I
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  Speaker 1: was when I overheard or saw recordings of my interactions
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  Speaker 1: with my children. When the kids have been sharing that.
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  Speaker 1: We also get increased self awareness if we're humble enough
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  Speaker 1: to take feedback from others, or if we're just willing
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  Speaker 1: to simply take some quiet time and reflect really honestly
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  Speaker 1: on our behaviors. Here's the good news, though. Just as
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  Speaker 1: my surfing improved dramatically once I acknowledge my limitations and
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  Speaker 1: sought specific feedback, our parenting can transform when we embrace
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  Speaker 1: self awareness. Research shows that parents who received video feedback
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  Speaker 1: in one study showed significant Imagine this, You're sitting down
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  Speaker 1: with the psychologists and they're playing back video of you
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  Speaker 1: interacting with your kids. But you do that, and the
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  Speaker 1: researchers found that there were significant improvements in parenting behaviors
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  Speaker 1: and interactions with the kids, especially in their ability to
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  Speaker 1: respond sensitively when their children had needs. This is what
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  Speaker 1: I think is fascinating. The improvement isn't just about correcting mistakes.
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  Speaker 1: I learned with the surfing to focus on one specific
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  Speaker 1: aspect of my surfing each day. And what you find
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  Speaker 1: is that as a parent, if you just focus on
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  Speaker 1: incremental improvements rather than trying to fix everything at once
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  Speaker 1: or try to do more of the stuff that you're
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  Speaker 1: doing right, that's where you see the most sustainable change
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  Speaker 1: in your parenting behavior. So let me share three steps
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  Speaker 1: to better parenting through being more self aware actionable. Step
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  Speaker 1: number one, and this one's a tricky one, and I
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  Speaker 1: know it's going to be really confronting, but I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to give it to you anyway. Create your own surf
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  Speaker 1: video moment. In other words, set up regular opportunities for feedback.
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  Speaker 1: You might say to your kids, I'd like to record
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  Speaker 1: this conversation so I can watch it back later to
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  Speaker 1: see how I can do it better. Now, two things
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  Speaker 1: are going to happen there. First of all, your kids
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  Speaker 1: going to look at you and think you are fully weird.
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  Speaker 1: But you're going to interact with your child different lee
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  Speaker 1: because you know that you're recording yourself. And then when
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  Speaker 1: you watch yourself back, you will still pick up things
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  Speaker 1: that can help you to be better if you don't
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  Speaker 1: want to record that interaction, Maybe you more willing to
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  Speaker 1: record a family dinner conversation, or maybe you don't want
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  Speaker 1: to record it all because it's too confronting. So you
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  Speaker 1: can ask your spousal partner for some specific observations or
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  Speaker 1: even invite your kids to share their perspectives. Obviously, you've
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  Speaker 1: got to be prepared because it might hurt a little bit,
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  Speaker 1: like my initial shock when I saw my surfing videos.
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  Speaker 1: That really stung, but it was the foundation for improvement.
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  Speaker 1: Here's my second actionable step for how you can improve
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  Speaker 1: your self awareness as a parent. Ask the what's one
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  Speaker 1: thing question? So I asked myself instructive for one specific
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  Speaker 1: focus area each day. If you regularly ask yourself or
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  Speaker 1: your spouse, a partner, or even your kids, what's one
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  Speaker 1: thing that you'd like me to do better today as
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  Speaker 1: a parent, Or what's one thing that you think that
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  Speaker 1: I could improve on as a parent, or what's one
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  Speaker 1: thing that I'm doing really well as a parent? This
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  Speaker 1: makes improvement manageable, It prevents overwhelmed, you don't feel like
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  Speaker 1: you're being beat up, and it's about those small, consistent
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  Speaker 1: changes that lead to significant transformations. The third idea. The
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  Speaker 1: third actionable step for increasing your self awareness is to
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  Speaker 1: practice daily reflection. If you spend five minutes each evening
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  Speaker 1: writing down in a little parenting journal, one parenting interaction
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  Speaker 1: that went well and one that you could have done better.
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  Speaker 1: Research shows that this, I mean, it's a simple practice. Really,
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  Speaker 1: it's going to increase your self awareness. It's going to
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  Speaker 1: improve future behavior. You can think of it as your
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  Speaker 1: post surf analysis. And here's a great thing. Just as
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  Speaker 1: I discovered in that tropical paradise, sometimes our most uncomfortable
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  Speaker 1: moments of self awareness become our greatest opportunities for transformation.
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  Speaker 1: Although I have to admit I'm still working on convincing
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  Speaker 1: my teenage just to give me daily feedback up my parenting.
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  Speaker 1: So far, their most consistent suggestion is Dad, stop trying
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  Speaker 1: to use our slang fair enough. That's probably pretty valid.
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  Speaker 1: No cap as they say. Actually, they've informed me this
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  Speaker 1: morning that no cap is also now embarrassing me outdated.
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  Speaker 1: I'm working on it. Really. Hope that these ideas have
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  Speaker 1: been helpful for you and your parenting and your attempts
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  Speaker 1: to be more self aware in what you're doing with
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  Speaker 1: the kids. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin
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  Speaker 1: Rowland from Bridge Media. Kylie should be back with me
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  Speaker 1: again tomorrow. Just one of those days, one of those things.
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  Speaker 1: If you would like more information and more resources to
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: make your family happier, please visit happyfamilies dot com, dot
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: a