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The Secret to Finding Love After 50 Isn’t What You Think with Kimmy Seltzer · In My Hometown

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: What if the thing standing between you and attracting love and the life that you want isn't luck, isn't timing, and it isn't even chemistry?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: What if it's confidence?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: Well, today we're talking with Kimmy Seltzer.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: She is a confidence therapist, a dating strategist, host of the Charisma Quotient podcast, and she believes that confidence is the key to attracting love and the life that you want.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: And we're going to talk with her all about this and about the idea that it actually comes from the outside in.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: You're in my hometown with Jamie and Pascal.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: Kimmy, welcome to In My Hometown.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's my hometown too.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I forget about my hometown.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's good to be here.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: So you're in Chicago, Jenny.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I am.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: Which part of Chicago?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up in Northbrook.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: Very familiar.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's uh that's up where I would.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I'm from Womet, but live in Glencoe.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I lived in Evanston.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the North Shore and Pascal's salon is in Glencoe.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, cool.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I didn't know that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I was telling you before we hit record that I need help with my hair right now.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I forgot.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's raining here in Chicago.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: But it's raining in Chicago, humidity.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just going on natural.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: We're just going with it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: We're going with it.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: So um, but we're we are happy to have you here.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: We I've been talking back and forth with you, and um, we've been so we love all of your content and what you stand for.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: So this phrase that you use a lot that you talk about is this idea that confidence comes from the outside in.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, can you talk a little bit about what that what that means?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Because a lot of us have grown up, right?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: Sort of with this understanding that confidence is starts inside.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to think like that.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And actually, do I have time for my hot mess story?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's where it comes from.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I always I used to be a therapist here in Chicago.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I used to work from the inside out.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, I had a very traditional life when I lived here.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I had the picket fence in Evanston and the dog.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I got a couple kids, and I had a husband at the time, of course.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And everything was going as planned.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I really thought that doing the work was part of, you know, just putting yourself out there.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was married at the time, though, too.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you see where the story's going.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I I everything was going as planned.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: We all pick up and we move across the country and we plop down to La La Land, Los Angeles, where I live now.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And we ended up doing what all the other people do there.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we get a divorce.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm joking.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I like to, I like to blame LA, but how it's not Juicy Nelly.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I know this.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know this.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it's easy to blame.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think it just sped up the process, obviously.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there I was all alone in this new place with no friends, not knowing what to do with my new life.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm a therapist on top of it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh my God, like I should know better, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I did what I knew to be true, and I did the work, and I went to therapy and I tried to get confidence because let me tell you, that divorce shoots down your confidence.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like I thought I was a pretty confident person before.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then when that happened, it was like I everything looking in the mirror, just like all the pieces just shattered to the ground, and I didn't know how to pick up the pieces again.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so I fell into this dark period, and my clothes reflected it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I had all black at the time, maybe a splash of beige, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I was doing the work.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, people would come to me and they say, Kimmy, you know, maybe you should start putting yourself out there, you know.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, you know, I'm just not ready.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm doing the work.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: So cut to eight months later.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Kimmy, maybe just go online, you know, dabble a little.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I say, no, you know, I'm just, I'm really doing the work.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Cut to like eight months.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: When you said doing the work, what kind of work are you doing?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: Inside work.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: But but that's a good question, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: What was I doing?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was going to therapy.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was listening to podcasts, I was doing the work.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like this here, you know, like when you said doing the work, what kind of work were you doing?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was trying to lift myself up again and get my self-esteem back and my self-worth and try to recover from the divorce.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I was talking to all my friends.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I that's what, like when people say doing the work, and believe me, I'm a therapist.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I I believe in doing the work and talking about things, but I wasn't taking action.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so one day I woke up, I'll never forget this moment.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know really what hit me, but for some reason, I took a hard look in the mirror and I was horrified at what I saw.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was this frumpy mom.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was still wearing nursing bras.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't even nursing any longer.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was, well, the hair did kind of look like this back then, but I I've improved, I promise.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then I had the flip-flops on.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh my God.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I wouldn't date me.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: So how can I expect a man to date me?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, I need to start doing something.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I, the first thing I did was to go shopping because again, my whole wardrobe consisted of black.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I actually lost a lot of weight.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even see my new body.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, okay, so I'm gonna up level myself.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I go to the store and this personal shopper, she's watching me.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And she comes up to me and she says, Ma'am, I I see that you're putting all these clothes in your cart, but they were all black.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was doing the same thing, but not, you know, really moving the needle.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I she said, I really think you should try this on.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And she holds up this red dress.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: It was like as red as my pants.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it was looked like three sizes too small.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, ma'am, that's that's really sweet, but that is not my size, and that is so not my color.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: And she says, Honey, that is your size, that is your color.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Try it on.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Boom, just like that.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: It was like she hit me over the head with that red dress.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I call it my red dress moment, and this is what I teach and preach now.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And what is that, even with men?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I work with men as well.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the blue shirt moment.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: I see you're wearing blue because women are attracted to blue.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: I I said, uh, you know, this whole time, I think I've been working on myself, but I haven't really done anything to lift myself up.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I am gonna do it.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And the red dress moment was the time that I stopped numbing out, that I actually took action.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I I slipped into the red dress, I twirled around like Cinderella, I looked in the mirror again, and I was like, oh my God, I'm a princess.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was a Cinderella moment.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I decided to take that dress and just do an experiment with myself.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I went everywhere in that red dress.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Even though I didn't really think it was me, it became me, right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to keep doing it.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: I went to the coffee shop in it, I went to the grocery store.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I walked my dog in this in this red dress.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what started happening?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: You get attention.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: From you men who I yes, I got attention.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: So let me ask you before you go further.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, how long were you married for?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's over 10 years.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, and you have children?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I have children.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you were house, you were a uh home mom, you were within your children, or were you were working at the time?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was a therapist.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was a therapist, and I was really trying to not be a therapist and be dateable.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: But I and I also was a mom.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah so I had all these like limiting beliefs, you know, look who would date a mom, all of these things.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So that red dress was really important to me because it helped me feel sexy, it helped me feel alive.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: And when men started checking me out, this is the thing that really surprised me in my journey.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't like it.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh my God, this whole time I've been wearing black clothes as a cloak to keep me invisible from you men because I was scared.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: So this is where everything flipped the switch from you know, the outside in.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, wow, there is a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to confidence.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is not a superficial thing.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I know you know this.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: When you see a woman walk out with her hair all done, there is something about the way she moves, about the energy that she portrays and the signal she sends to the world.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so I had to just start by getting used to being seen.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is where my whole journey began.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, I have many other stories after that.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And the very thing that I was scared of, like flirting and putting myself out there, I love and now I teach.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's that's where everything really flipped.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I want to get to the flirting piece because I think that's very important.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I know you talk a lot about teaching people how to be flirty.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: But um, so this idea you this that you ascribe to is if you if you look good, you feel good.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: Um, my mom used to say, just put some lipstick on if I wasn't feeling good, because it does, it does help you.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: But um, how has this been?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: So it's worked for you, and then now you've taken this to other other people, your clients, and and um, and talk about it a lot.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: How have other people reacted to it?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: Is it helped them?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's funny because it does raise a lot of eyebrows.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, you mean if I just put on a red dress or some red lipstick, I'll be fine.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: And that's so superficial.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: However, there's a lot of science behind it too.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I found that there's even this term called encloshed cognition.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's so fascinating.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: They did a study that when people wear different clothes, it actually changes the chemistry in your brain and you perform differently.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I see this to be true with my clients.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: So when I take them shopping and I do makeovers, they walk out differently.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: It is like the first thing that happens to them.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not the dress, it's not the lipstick, it's not the hair.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's how they feel when they're wearing this.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, a good hair day is a good hair day.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like it threw me a little off today because I didn't have a good hair day, but I'm here now.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I have the red pants.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: So that that helped.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm glad I have my red top.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: And again, my blue coat in the top.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: I know we're doing it right.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So all of a sudden I'm feeling energized, right?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: To the point we're talking.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I like to start from the outside because it's the quickest gateway into someone's confidence, you know.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there was a woman who I worked with, I'll never forget this.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: She she's like, Kimmy, help me find a man.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: I need to learn how to flirt.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: I need how to put myself out there.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: And my clothes are fine.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need help with my clothes.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just literally need like more confidence with men.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's been a long time.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: So she came to me, and while she had expensive clothes, those clothes were not serving her when it came to a sexy image.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's a difference between dressing well and being sexy at the same time.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, I'm happy to help you, but we got to take care of this, you know, because she had all black on.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: She had a shawl and she was wrapped almost like in a cocoon with it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: I said, You look unapproachable.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she never wore color.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: The first thing I had her do is wear a red lipstick.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: I said, just do this for a week.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I give my clients homework.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just do this for a week and tell me what happened.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, but I thought we're learning how to flirt.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: I said, just do it and just come back and tell me what happened.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: She came back, she's like, that magic red bullet.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I said, what happened?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, well, I wore it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And like all these men start talking to me.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen anything like it.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, but the funny thing is, is that I don't think it was the red lipstick.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think I just stood out more so that I was more approachable.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then I got more energized as guys started approaching me, right?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it was a big lesson for her.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, cut to, long story short, I turned her into a monster.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like she we got close.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she was wearing these like sexy little shorts and heels, and she became the bar fly.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: And her friends actually had her coaching them.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: And one day she was flirting in the bar and she was wearing all the stuff, and her body language is really open and she's smiling.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: A guy came up to her.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't, he, he wasn't even in her like energy field.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't even know where he came from.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: He had been watching her that night.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Said, I hope that this isn't too creepy, but I just love your energy.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I was wondering if I could just talk to you.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to tell you I appreciate your energy and how you put yourself together.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: That guy became her boyfriend.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it it and it's again, all these stories that I'll share with you today, they sound like almost, well, yeah, it's like, you know, superficial fairy tale kind of stuff.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: But really, that's the magic that happens.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's a domino effect.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I and I think this is why we were so excited about having you on.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: We talk so much about um finding love and dating and relationships and attraction.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, in in a world where more people over the age of 50 are dating than ever before, and this whole gray divorce trend.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: And so you've got so many people that you see and talk to, men and women, who are out there and haven't aren't they in a world that they are not used to.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I would think it would be so challenging to go back into the dating world and what you would feel.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: Then you could look at it, okay.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm speaking as a men point of view.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: Jamie's got a woman point of view, I got a man point of view.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: I think men are very superficial.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, they have to be visually attracted before they even engage the conversation.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's men.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: So uh a woman could be uh dressed very well, but if the man doesn't find her attractive or if she's overweight, it doesn't matter how well she dresses and how much confidence she's got.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: I think men are looking at the the physical, the visual, and then they go and engage the conversation.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: Can I do a little pushback then?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, go ahead.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: Go ahead, go ahead.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm saying.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have something to say about that.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no, look here, and and this is because I work with both men and women, right?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I actually think both men and women are visual.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, sometimes I think women are more picky and less forgiving than men.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_03: I agree.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: I have been I like I was doing a work a flirt workshop and um I show before and after pictures, right?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I would show a lot of pictures of the men before they had a makeover or man over as I call it.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And all the women were like, oh no, I would never like swipe right on him or never give him a chance, blah, blah, blah.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then I would go to the makeover and they would be like, oh, I take that back.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would give him a chance too.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: And and same thing with men, right?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would do the same thing with the woman and the man.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: But women, like we are visual too.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the differences.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think a man is visual where he looks at a woman and in that first hit wants to see whether or not he wants to have sex with her.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: That that that's just, I mean, that's just a and women want that too, but women look at a man and if he's put together well dressed and he looks successful, then she'll give him a chance, even though maybe like his physicality isn't exactly that.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I think women look at success and men look at sex in that first hit.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why a man over, makeover, whatever, just enhances people's sex appeal and that that makes you more attractive, no matter what.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, to your point, everyone has a type, right?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can't change your type necessarily, but when you have charisma, everything changes.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is why the name of my podcast is Charisma Quotient.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's the formula that I use to teach and preach.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I tell you, this works.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: I've taught an 85-year-old woman to sit at a bar and flirt and pick the guy up.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's amazing because again, I love that you're sort of flipping things on the on its ear in a way, because we've grown up thinking that confidence is something that has to start inside only, and that we've grown up thinking that charisma is something that you are born with.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: But what you're saying is you can teach it.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not only that, research shows that charisma is something that you are not born with.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, which is so interesting to me, right?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why I love it, because that means I can teach it.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: So tell us how you do teach that.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: Do I tell my secrets?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I just got to tell the audience what did she get to go, you could help them.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, go ahead.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'll I'll tease, I'll flirt, I'll flirt some of it.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: So um actually, I just got back from my dating retreat.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: I do dating retreats.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's why like I love the Golden Bachelor and the Golden Bachelorette so much, because it literally highlights things that I've been doing for years.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, finally, finally, there is a show that's highlighting how people can build confidence and find love, you know, over a certain age.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And um, this one was co-ed.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I do just women.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and like in my dating retreats, I it's so fun because I'll do like excursions with them and I did scavenger hunts where I make them go out and do tasks with strangers and and have them actually practice flirting and practice interacting, and that builds their confidence, right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: But then, of course, being a therapist, I do go inward.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: We do talk about, you know, things that are holding them back, hidden love shields.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: Look, one of the things that I think is really hard when you're dating later in life, or dating in the second act, as I call it, is that we all have had trauma.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: We've all had bad relationships or things that didn't work that causes these hidden love shields and they build over time.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: And often we don't know how they leak.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: It leaks in the way we talk, it leaks in the way we walk, it leaks in the way and how we show up.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: And when you actually have a breakdown, to me, that's a breakthrough.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what I see all the time.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: And whether I'm doing a dating retreat, phone coaching with them, I have all these different kinds of programs.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I even have virtual workshops, including the flirt workshops that I was talking about.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's when people are like, wow, this isn't just about dating tactics.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is about me.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what they everyone says after working with me.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: They they said, Wow, like I needed to like build myself up and get over some of these things that was holding me back.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: And fear is the biggest one, especially, well, you know, this like dating later in life.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: You see, there's so so many people are in fear for different reasons.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe fear of trust, right?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know, isn't some of it too that you know, after a divorce or after a long relationship, that you sort of feel maybe you've lost your mojo a little bit.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, a hundred percent.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: And it's just, I mean, hard to get that back.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's not hard to get it back.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of times people have a limiting belief that they can't get it back.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of people have never had it.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I find to be true, people who are dating later in life is that a lot of people just had maybe one or two partners or a long-term marriage.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: They never just dated for the sake of dating without getting attached to the outcome to learn about themselves.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: So they go back out there and they're dating as a relationship person and it backfires.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so because they get too deep too soon, too fast.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: They don't, they don't pull back and learn how to to flirt and and let people earn them.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you talk a little bit about that too, like in your past, where um you've said, you know, you'll get a lot of text from someone, and it's sort of it's it might be too early for them to be communicating so much to you.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Is that I feel like I'm not as you think that they go into relationship mode and instead of realized.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: I think people are lonely.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: They're definitely looking for a partners, and sometimes they have a tendency to settle just because they don't want to be alone.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's not what they want, but they just decided, you know, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of going to a movie by myself, I'm tired of eating by myself.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, this woman is attractive, she's not a hundred percent of what I want, but she's a companion, you keep me busy.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: I think there is a lot of people who are settling down, and so that may ask you a question.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: You're a coach, where are you with your relationship?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: What am I with?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, do you have a boyfriend?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes, I have a boyfriend.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay, because if you're teaching how to uh get uh in a relationship, I want to make sure that you are in a relationship.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, here's the thing that's funny is that I uh and I'm very clear and vocal about it is that I am not teaching relationships, I am teaching how to be confident and dating.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: In dating.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: And actually, I don't really know how a married person would teach a single person.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm glad I went through my journey because even as a therapist, and I helped a lot of people, I didn't know really what people were going through until I went through it myself.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so it is a journey.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: And what's I think beautiful also about dating later.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is that you can have any kind of relationship you want.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like you know, when you're in your 20s, maybe you're looking for someone to grow with, settle down with.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: Now, later in life, you could have any kind of relationship that works for you.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: People have situationships, people want to get married again.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: People just want to have a travel companion.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's okay.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think where people have a hard time with is really coming clean and being clear on what it is they want.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's a tough part of it.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: You go from a marriage of 10, 12, 15 years, then all of a sudden you send into the wild.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: And then you go and uh you you lost your mojo, you lost your security, you don't know how to engage a conversation because you haven't been into that.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: You acquire when you go out in a bar, you feel insecure and uncomfortable.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I mean, I've seen a lot of my friends who went through that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_03: I think personally, you have the confidence or you don't.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: That's not something you teach someone.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: You have the confidence.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: You walk somewhere and you own the room.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_03: And somebody goes somewhere and they just the fret to be a bad.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: But I think what Kimmy is saying is you do teach that.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you teach you think so.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_02: That's her whole business.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: I understand, but I just don't, I don't believe that you could teach somebody to have the confidence and own the room.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_03: That's something you have, it's like class.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: You don't teach class, you're born with it.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's not, I'm not going to teach you how to be classy.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and again, there is a difference between sexy, uh sleazy, and classy.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you you you could teach that.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: You could teach somebody how to dress appropriately versus sleazy, classy.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: But as you think the confidence, you have it or you don't.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_02: I I mean I disagree with that.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm not gonna, I mean, you Kimmy, you should say that you've taught it.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: People can change themselves.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: They you teach tools for how you might enter a room, things you might do, and then you talk.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm saying what you do.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_02: Then you talk a lot about practice and exercising that, you know, those well.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say, you know, I think what's important to even before we even debate this is how we define confidence, right?
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like confidence, we all might have a different definition.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: So, how are you defining confidence?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: The confidence is somebody who walks into a room like you know, I walk somewhere and I own the room.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not afraid to go and talk to you, talk to you, talk to you.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: Where did you learn that?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: I I just this is me.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: This is my personality.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember as a boy?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: Did you have a lot of experience with being social?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I think I've always been very social.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm uh I make friends very easily, I engage conversation.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: I usually am very interested by the person, I ask a lot of questions.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: But when I walk somewhere, I feel confident.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like I could go and talk to anyone I want to talk to.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not afraid of the rejection.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's what people are afraid of.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: When they go into a room and they see somebody attractive and they want to talk to her, they're afraid to go to her.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's I think that's the biggest end.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not afraid to go and talk to somebody.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: So if I'm reading you right, and and even in on the show, I saw this, I felt like you're more of an extrovert.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like you, you enjoy people, you enjoy talking, you don't get like in your head at all about like what to say and how to come right.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's it goes naturally, yeah.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: And you've been like that my whole life.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and I assume that when you were growing up, that there was culturally, whether it was your family and your community, it was reinforced.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like you were very absolutely not.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_03: Actually, actually, I come from a family of eight children where I never had the attention from my parents.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: I built up my confidence by myself.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: How did you do that?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: She's going out and and and and and and and meeting people and and doing it.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: And doing it.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: One might argue that you didn't get the attention, and so you created this whole sort of way about you so that you would be the center of attention and you do those things.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_02: So I mean, that's amazing.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I do, I, I believe that um many that there are people that it becomes more, it's more comfortable for them, that that's sort of their default is that they can own a room and they know how to do it and they're just there's an ease of it.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: But I do think that there are ways that you could um learn to become better.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_02: It's like when you're at work and you're learning how to speak to, you know, an audience, um, you may not be as comfortable, but if you learn certain techniques and then you practice that, then you can become better at it.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: So actually, Pascal, you just you just actually confirmed that it can be learned because of the exposure and the practice that you had.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that's the point, right?
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Is that you, for whatever reason it could be like your need to get some attention elsewhere because you were in a big family and whatnot, to put yourself out there.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then the more you did it, the more you were reinforced for it, and then you got good at it, right?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: And now it's just natural because how you're saying it's natural now, it came from all those years of just practicing and exposure and being that way.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: So when I work with clients, some were like you, but then the divorce happened and it shot them down.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: So they had to build back up, kind of like my story, right?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: But some and a lot of people that I work with are introverts.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so they have a really hard time like navigating a conversation and their social battery gets drained and they get overwhelmed and they get in their head.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I teach them, and here's the thing, and this is what I talk about all the time in my workshops.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_01: I believe confidence is just experience, period.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't believe that there's one person out there that's not confident, it's just that there's an area in their life that they haven't been exposed to it in a positive sense, right?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or it's been limited.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do they get it?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: You do it and you practice it and you do it over and over and over until they become it.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I have turned the most shy people who had some social anxiety and they didn't have dating experience, they didn't feel charismatic, turn into these like confident, beautiful beings.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: It just happened to one of the guys at my retreats.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like he felt completely a fish out of water.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: He dressed poorly, he had suffered from cancer, and then he got a divorce.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: He'd been through a lot.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: His confidence with women were was down, right?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, after working with him privately and also going to the retreat and just exposing him to women, he started getting all the feedback from the women.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you're awesome.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: He ended up hooking up with one of the women at the retreat.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: And now he's a monster.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: I can't stop.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Kimmy, what have you turned me into?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: And he's just dating up a storm and having so much fun.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I believe everybody can get there.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: You just have to be open to practicing and getting help around it.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_02: I I ascribe to that idea, um, especially not again, not just in dating, but just I I read somewhere like this confidence is as confidence does.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's sort of this idea that you right, you need you, you need to do something to become confident in it in a way.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um, otherwise it's sort of it lives in a different way.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_02: What I'm so curious about is this idea of flirting and teaching people to flirt.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um I um have spent, so I'm um almost 25 years married.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_02: I think that I'm almost 25 years.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, something, thank you.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_02: Something that I found is, and this, I don't know if other people feel this, that when you are married, there was a certain point in my marriage where I had to sort of tamp down flirting.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_02: Because I was so used to in your 20s.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_02: When you're in your 20s, that you have this way where you're talking to the opposite sex a lot, and you know, and then um, you know, which is fun.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: I love the flirting, right?
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_02: And uh and then when you get married, I think you and you go out as couples, and as you get a little bit older, you know, you gotta sort of uh just tamp that down a little bit because otherwise people are, I mean, people don't want to be with someone uh who's flirting all the time.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: And so I think it would be interesting to be out uh to be divorced then and to be having to um work that muscle again and how that is for people.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that is a muscle.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's so funny because I've done podcasts and I've had married people say, Can you can you teach me how to flirt with my husband again?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like or because I believe flirting should always be there.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think you Well, it is with my husband.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I think it's just not I'm not doing it with the table.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: But I believe flirting is a way of life.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's like like I flirt with babies and dogs and like everywhere.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you look in the dictionary of what the definition of flirting is, you know what it is?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's fascinating.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: To behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now that last part is what trips everybody up because they think too much of what it means or what's next, or I'm not good at it.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to give the wrong impression.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want that married guy to think I'm, you know, but that's not what flirting's about.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's a playfulness, is how I teach it.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like kids are flirty, right?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like they don't have filters.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: They just go up and say, Hi, what are you doing?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: They don't say, Oh, I shouldn't go up to that person and look really busy, I shouldn't say anything.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's it's just it's a way of movement and playing with life and it's an energy that you portray.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: So once people get that, then it the the world's your oyster.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because here's the thing if you become the magnet, then it's up to you.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can say goodbye and hello to anyone that you want.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: But if you don't become the magnet, you're not going to create that opportunity.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_03: But you know what?
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: You you're talking about in person, okay?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_03: Right now, there is a trend, obviously, on the you know, the the dating website where people are going messenger back and forth and back and forth, and they hide their feeling and emotion and rejection through that website.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_03: So it's much easier.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: And Jimmy and I had a lot of conversation regarding the dating website.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_03: About if I find you on a website, I say, hello, how are you?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_03: How are you doing?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_03: And you're gonna check my picture and you're not gonna respond.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna feel rejected because I don't know you.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_03: So it's easy for me to swap right and left and right and left and right.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I think this is we become in a world where people are hiding their feeling, their insecurity behind the website.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_03: It is very difficult today, I think, to have what we call mixer, where you put people together in like you did in your retreat.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know the group age you have in your retreat, but I think all over 50.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you are in the the what we're talking about.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_03: I think I think it is much easier for somebody to see somebody.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_03: We we do our podcast live because we like to have the energy in the card versus do it in in Zoom.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_03: So to me, the website, those dead-in websites took over the insecurity, the security, the confidence, the look.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe everybody faked their picture.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: So, where are we going with that versus going back to the old fashioned way where we go into a mixer, we meet people?
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_03: Where are you with that?
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_03: How the challenge you're facing with those types of things.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God, I prefer it too.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think we all prefer it because if you think about it, that's how we grew up.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't grow up with swiping and hiding behind, you know, the texting and stuff.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: So uh there's there's a couple of things I want to say about that.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, there's a trend and an upswing in IRL events, in real life events.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_01: People want to meet in real life.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: There's speed dating events, there's pick a friend events, there's all these like kind of gimmicks now.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_01: However, I don't feel there's enough in our age group, meaning, you know, after 50.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: So then everyone is trying to find out where to go, how to be, what to do to meet each other.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm determined to create more community, more, you know, just organized events so that people can do it.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: But then on top of it, it's this the dating skill.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_01: So it's one thing to have the event, it's another thing to have the skill.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because I work with a social group right now and they hire me to do workshops because they're like, Kimmy, everyone's we have all these singles events and everyone's just standing around.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: No one knows how to flirt with each other, no one knows the interaction.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're right.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I think that muscle has been atrophied because it's been so long.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_01: And now in the age group that we're in, what you were saying, now people feel awkward.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm too old to do that, or I don't know if that I should be doing that, that kind of thing.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: So we have all these things going on, but it's a beautiful opportunity right now to get out, to practice.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's why, like with my clients, I give them homework and I will give them, I gamify it.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll I'll tell people, okay, this week I want you to go to the grocery store and I want you to smile at five guys you find attractive.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: And just start with smiling, because to your point, the body language is huge.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's everything.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's every 93% of communication is nonverbal.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's not even what you say that's important, it's how you show up.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that is why the clothes and the body language, it's all intertwined.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I work from the outside in because you could be a great person, but if you're not marketing yourself, then love will pass you by.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love that too.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_02: I watched your TEDx and the marketing aspect of it.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_02: But some people see that as maybe inauthentic to sort of see it as you're gonna market yourself, but you don't you disagree with that.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, to the point that we're talking right now, right?
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's it's not superficial when I'll I'll give you an example of like business.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, let's just take the stigma of dating out of it.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: If we were look looking at a website and two websites have the same content, one is all updated and it's slick and it's moving, you know, and the other one's antiquated.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: It hasn't been updated since you know 2019.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: Same content, same company, which you're gonna click on.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's gonna click on the new one because we trust it more and it's updated and fresh.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: We are visual creatures.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know we don't want to say that out loud.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: He says it all the time.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we're very superficial.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_02: What we what do you think, too, about you said that um people make a dis determination or decision about you within the first second, seven seconds.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: Seven seconds now.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: It used to be 30 seconds.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's a first impression thing.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_01: It used to be 30 seconds, now it's seven.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_01: I argue it's even quicker.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, especially with like mumble and everything.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it goes so fast.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what the research says is that people are making judgments and assumptions based on two things in the brain: what you're wearing and the attitude that you have, the body language.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: You took that's it.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_03: You took in on the dating website?
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: No, and no, when someone meets you.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: When someone meets you.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: I agree.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think I think it's the energy you project.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the confidence you project, the way you dress, the elegance.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_03: I think to me, I I like to see a woman who's well put together.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have, I don't want to project.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to shop for her.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want a project.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_02: He doesn't want to help cut her.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know me, I'm not sure if help anyone learn how to cut it.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_03: You have it or you don't, you know me?
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_03: I've seen some very attractive women who has no sense of style, and I've seen some women who are not as attractive but has certain class and dress very well.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_03: I think I'd be more attracted to a woman like that than a woman who's all pretty, who has a who's wearing a mini skirt where you could see her underwear, or she'd buy half of the skirt.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I I just think then uh um uh to go back to to those dating websites with the filters and I mean you you it's not even the same person, you know.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I think so so we have tendency to project sometimes we we we need not.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, here's my belief.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, with all these things that we're talking about, is that I believe your dating portfolio should look like your financial portfolio.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: You need to diversify as much as possible.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just go online, you can't just rely on mixers, you can't just rely on your neighbors to set you up.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_01: You have to do everything you can.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's a it's it's a numbers game, right?
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: And the more you put yourself out there, the more you practice the social skills, the dating skills, the flirt skills that will help you with your online skills too.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: So going back to your point about like how people are writing each other on the DMs, that's a modern day skill that I'm teaching now because I have gone into people's bumble accounts and I feel like I'm reading a LinkedIn exchange.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's so boring, it's so dry.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like QA.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you live?
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_01: How long have you been?
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: Wanna go out for coffee?
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like what there's no build, there's no flirt even in the DMs.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: So if you don't know how to flirt and build connection on a text or on a DM, then you're missing a huge part of dating in today's world.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_01: You have to know how to do it.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_02: This is great.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like we could talk for much longer.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: What is this?
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: What and I just know that our audience um is going to be interested in this.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: And so, what is the one piece of advice or the you know, the one top thing that you would suggest to someone right now who's looking to get back out there and looking to attract love?
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_01: Start small.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it I think that it's so overwhelming to think about getting yourself out there if you just work on practicing some skills.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like if eye contact is hard for you, then practice eye contact and build the confidence there.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't look well and put together, put on a pair of heels and walk around and see how you're walking, your posture, see how people notice you.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you use my charisma quotient with your style intelligence, your emotional intelligence, and your social intelligence, those are the three pillars.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's when I start seeing confidence build over time.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can find love.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's never too late.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_01: You just need a plan.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: So great.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: Very hopeful.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_01: You're so welcome.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_01: Can I I have like a gift to your audience, especially because you said your audience is over 40 at least.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_01: I have a quiz that you could take if you just go to flirtover40.com and you can see what kind of flirt you are.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great place to start.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you want to start small, start there.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_02: All right, thank you so much.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_02: And you're in my hometown with Jamie and Pascal, and we'll see you next time.