Latest / Very Fine Friends / Clothe Me If You Can

Transcript

Clothe Me If You Can · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  okay so batman doesn't kill no and then you said spider-man doesn't kill i think now that i think
• 0:21
  of it i don't think anyone in the comic book universe kills superman doesn't kill have you
• 0:25
  ever heard of him killing someone no but i'm not really tapped into that world me neither i think
• 0:29
  they just neutralize
• 0:31
  the bad guys.
• 0:35
  In the way it kills them.
• 0:37
  Yeah, I feel like the old school Batman cartoons,
• 0:39
  I have a very clear image
• 0:41
  of him always being at the end of a fight with a bunch
• 0:43
  of bad guys tied up.
• 0:45
  Yeah.
• 0:46
  Turns out he's just into BDSM.
• 0:52
  I would think,
• 0:53
  okay, so I understand you have a Saturday
• 0:55
  morning cartoon. You don't want
• 0:56
  kids
• 0:59
  seen a bunch of murder or whatever.
• 1:02
  Whatever, I think it's fine.
• 1:04
  But in the comics themselves,
• 1:09
  those are for adults or teens, kind of.
• 1:13
  I mean, they can have murder.
• 1:15
  Yeah, come on.
• 1:16
  Just let a little murder into your comics.
• 1:18
  They do maiming, like Harvey Dent, you know?
• 1:21
  Yeah.
• 1:22
  They allow maiming.
• 1:23
  I'd rather be murdered than let that happen, though.
• 1:26
  I know.
• 1:26
  We have a contract.
• 1:29
  I've made you a promise.
• 1:30
  That's right, we do.
• 1:31
  If you're maimed, I got to step in.
• 1:34
  Yeah, thank you.
• 1:35
  Finish the job.
• 1:35
  I appreciate you taking that seriously.
• 1:36
  I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:38
  That's why I follow you around all the time,
• 1:41
  being like, don't maim him, don't maim him.
• 1:43
  Thank you for that.
• 1:45
  I always thought it was weird that the city just echoed my desires.
• 1:47
  Yeah.
• 1:48
  You thought it was the city speaking out to you going,
• 1:51
  don't maim him.
• 1:52
  Yeah, and using your angelic voice.
• 1:55
  Yeah.
• 1:56
  Don't maim him.
• 1:57
  there's got to be okay
• 2:00
  what about that stupid one
• 2:03
  Venom, the sea kill
• 2:05
  that's the one that
• 2:07
  what's his face played
• 2:09
  Tom Hardy
• 2:11
  he's a villain
• 2:12
  yeah he's a villain
• 2:13
  he's a villain but
• 2:15
  the villains kill
• 2:17
  I don't think they kill, I think they try to kill
• 2:18
  and then they're thwarted
• 2:22
  they're thwarted?
• 2:23
  it's an attempt in a thwart
• 2:24
  if you want to love me you got to accept me
• 2:29
  thwarts and all
• 2:30
  huh well
• 2:36
  okay
• 2:39
  so I think that's
• 2:41
  well now we know that
• 2:42
  yeah I feel like that's a waste
• 2:45
  again though you're just
• 2:47
  what does beating them up do
• 2:49
  that just makes them angrier
• 2:51
  and more want to come after you again
• 2:53
  the joker kills in live action yeah in the dark knight he killed
• 2:59
  yeah so we're seeing a we're seeing an uptick yeah good i'm glad excellent murders are on the
• 3:07
  rise yeah in comic book universe you're gonna let that stand batman are you gonna kill now
• 3:11
  it's time to kill yeah get on board get out of the way there's a new sheriff in town and that
• 3:20
  Sheriff loves murder.
• 3:21
  Get on board and kill him with a board.
• 3:23
  Yeah.
• 3:23
  Use a board.
• 3:26
  Or we'll be bored.
• 3:27
  Batman goes surfing.
• 3:28
  That would be fun.
• 3:30
  Oh, yeah.
• 3:30
  And then someone's under the water coming up and he accidentally kills them.
• 3:33
  His first kill was an innocent victim.
• 3:36
  Yeah.
• 3:38
  No.
• 3:38
  No.
• 3:40
  I would like to see.
• 3:41
  Yeah.
• 3:42
  We don't see superheroes on vacation.
• 3:46
  Yeah.
• 3:46
  Take a day off.
• 3:47
  Yeah.
• 3:47
  That PTO does not roll over.
• 3:48
  You find any of the little Batman hat and then whatever the mask.
• 3:54
  You call it a hat.
• 3:55
  I call it a hat.
• 3:58
  The Batman mask and then, but he's got like a bare chest and like swim trunks and stuff.
• 4:04
  He's not a beach.
• 4:05
  Yeah.
• 4:05
  In the suit.
• 4:07
  Yeah.
• 4:08
  It's just he's in trunks and then everything up is the suit.
• 4:11
  Or, no, I want his bare chest to be showing.
• 4:14
  I want to see it too.
• 4:15
  well i mean not i mean sure because he's eye candy but i mean just because i think the visual
• 4:22
  is funny yeah maybe he still has the cape that will help with probably uv blocking so he's just
• 4:28
  got a weird tan or this front's tan and his back is because he's got the cake i like a nice pale
• 4:32
  back yeah and his shoulders like a little bit of shoulder and a little bit of shoulder yeah yeah
• 4:37
  also known as the neck holders yeah so where the shoulder boulder holders yeah yeah this is a system
• 4:43
  of hierarchical holders.
• 4:46
  That's, by the way,
• 4:46
  best euphemism for a bra.
• 4:49
  Over the shoulder boulder holders.
• 4:50
  Yeah.
• 4:51
  Yeah.
• 4:51
  It rhymes too.
• 4:52
  What more could you ask for in this life?
• 4:54
  Literally nothing.
• 4:56
  A superhero who kills
• 4:57
  and a funny name for my bra.
• 4:59
  Yeah.
• 5:01
  I'm really easy to please.
• 5:02
  Come on.
• 5:04
  Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
• 5:07
  Podcast where friends talk about bras.
• 5:13
  How are you doing this fine day?
• 5:16
  Okay, good.
• 5:18
  I'm looking out the window and there's a long cloud that looks like a line of coke.
• 5:22
  Oh, I want to snort it.
• 5:23
  Or am I just hungry?
• 5:27
  Yeah, that's kind of.
• 5:30
  Like a sloppily put together one.
• 5:32
  Are you looking that way?
• 5:33
  I'm looking.
• 5:33
  It's this one.
• 5:34
  No, I'd say you're talking about this.
• 5:35
  No, this.
• 5:36
  Oh, I was looking at the wrong cloud.
• 5:38
  Oh, just imagine me right.
• 5:39
  I'm looking at a big, big old rail that was sloppily put together.
• 5:42
  that hasn't been like really cleanly.
• 5:44
  No, this one's been topped.
• 5:45
  Oh, okay.
• 5:46
  All right.
• 5:47
  I'm glad we have various states of cocaine lines in the sky.
• 5:55
  It's going to be a good day.
• 5:56
  Yeah.
• 5:56
  I'm going on a hot air balloon later.
• 5:59
  Just drive me along this line.
• 6:01
  You're going to keep your nostrils open.
• 6:04
  Francis took some big breaths in a hot air balloon today.
• 6:07
  Is there a way?
• 6:08
  I know your nostrils are always open,
• 6:09
  but is there a way to keep them open,
• 6:11
  like even more open?
• 6:12
  I think how people can clip their...
• 6:16
  Yeah, like you can keep your eyelids open.
• 6:20
  I want to do something with my nostrils.
• 6:21
  Get them as wide as they can.
• 6:23
  Well, you can do both of those things manually.
• 6:27
  Look, ready?
• 6:29
  Yeah.
• 6:31
  Listeners at home, Francis' eyes and nostrils just got very big.
• 6:36
  Yep, I'm ready.
• 6:38
  Pip me in, coach.
• 6:40
  Quick interruption.
• 6:41
  Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
• 6:51
  Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
• 7:00
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 7:04
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 7:08
  And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
• 7:15
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 7:19
  Jenna's secret word is filibuster.
• 7:22
  Jenna's decoy word is panty.
• 7:26
  Francis's secret word is butts.
• 7:29
  Francis's decoy word is mosquitoes.
• 7:33
  Back to the pod.
• 7:35
  The audience's eyes are going to be really big soon.
• 7:38
  big with greed because they're going to want whatever your invention is.
• 7:44
  It's time for the invention of the week.
• 7:51
  Inventions.
• 7:55
  And actually, I might have mentioned this to you like a long time ago
• 7:58
  because this is actually a fantastic idea and I really wanted to do it.
• 8:01
  Okay.
• 8:03
  Jenna.
• 8:04
  Francis.
• 8:05
  You know how we travel?
• 8:07
  we're a migratory species.
• 8:09
  Yes, I do know that.
• 8:10
  You know how you have to spend so much time
• 8:12
  packing your clothes?
• 8:17
  Okay.
• 8:18
  I'll grant that.
• 8:19
  It does not take me long.
• 8:20
  Do you know that it's an annoying task?
• 8:22
  Yes.
• 8:23
  Okay.
• 8:23
  You know how when you come back from traveling
• 8:25
  you have to wash your clothes?
• 8:26
  Yes.
• 8:27
  Put them away?
• 8:27
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:29
  You know how there's also the risk of bugs?
• 8:31
  Yes.
• 8:32
  Okay.
• 8:33
  Good.
• 8:33
  So far things are going well.
• 8:35
  Yeah.
• 8:35
  well strap on your over the shoulder boulder holders you're gonna love this i've invented a
• 8:44
  business that we stock clothing and toiletries probably some other stuff and when you're booking
• 8:54
  a trip basically you use our website or app or whatever to choose whatever you want and it is
• 9:02
  delivered to where you're going. So we'll actually partner with the hotels or whatever to, um,
• 9:09
  like have it ready for you when you get there. So when you get to your hotel room, the clothes
• 9:13
  you're going to wear for the trip are already there. You have preferred toiletries. We have
• 9:16
  them in like small containers. So you don't have to like waste any product or whatever.
• 9:20
  And then when you're ready to leave, you just leave. You don't have to like take your luggage
• 9:23
  with you. So it's going to save you having to pack your own clothes. It's going to save you
• 9:27
  having to pay for checked luggage in a lot of cases.
• 9:33
  Yeah, I just think it's a fantastic idea.
• 9:35
  We could even have, in addition to our locations around the country,
• 9:39
  we could even have spots in the airport
• 9:40
  where you get off the plane and you go
• 9:43
  and you basically pack your own thing there,
• 9:46
  which you could do ahead of time
• 9:48
  and it could be ready for you and you just pick it up at the place.
• 9:52
  Like if you're not going to a hotel,
• 9:53
  you're staying at a friend's house or something.
• 9:55
  Yeah.
• 9:57
  I feel like there might be something like this for toiletries already,
• 10:02
  but that aside, but that wouldn't be as like, I know you,
• 10:06
  I'm thinking you're high end.
• 10:08
  Yeah.
• 10:09
  So I think it's more like you just buy a kit whenever you arrive
• 10:13
  or something like that.
• 10:17
  I, in theory, like the idea.
• 10:20
  Here's my first thought.
• 10:21
  when I pack for a trip, I have specific things that I want to wear. Like I usually plan out,
• 10:32
  like I can generally, unless it's just like a going to the beach with my family and it's like
• 10:38
  casual. But if I'm going on a specific, specific trick, I like, I know I'm going to wear this on
• 10:43
  this day. I'm going to wear this on this day. I'm a thing. Right. So I've picked out outfits already,
• 10:48
  which means I like those clothes.
• 10:52
  I'm wearing my favorite outfits when I'm on vacation.
• 10:57
  So if you just pick something for just a trip,
• 11:04
  why wouldn't you want those clothes all the time?
• 11:10
  Like if there was an outfit good enough for the trip,
• 11:13
  wouldn't you want to own it in real life too?
• 11:18
  we'll sell you our clothes.
• 11:20
  If you find something you really love
• 11:22
  and you want to keep it,
• 11:24
  we'll sell it to you at cost plus 10%.
• 11:26
  To your point, though,
• 11:29
  yes, I agree, we do have outfits that we really like.
• 11:31
  A, you can request that we purchase those clothes
• 11:34
  and then we'll have them in our closet.
• 11:35
  We're going to have a big inventory.
• 11:37
  Yeah, this would have to be a massive inventory.
• 11:40
  Yeah, or massive enough.
• 11:43
  Here's what I would also say.
• 11:44
  If you have a couple of outfits you absolutely adore,
• 11:46
  throw in your carry-on.
• 11:48
  You know?
• 11:52
  Yeah.
• 11:53
  So you have two options.
• 11:55
  Work with me here.
• 11:56
  Okay.
• 11:56
  We'll buy the clothes you want to wear,
• 11:58
  because then we'll have them.
• 11:59
  It's like the library when you request a book.
• 12:01
  Same concept.
• 12:03
  Or put them in your damn bag.
• 12:05
  You still got to carry on.
• 12:09
  Yeah, maybe.
• 12:12
  Yeah.
• 12:13
  I just feel like this is going to,
• 12:14
  you'd have to have a huge closet.
• 12:16
  it. I'm thinking about how many people, like, like things fit me weird. I'm, I don't, can't buy
• 12:24
  clothes normally. Like I could see something and then like, and even like look at it online and
• 12:31
  like even say like, okay, like that's my size or whatever. And like, yes, this looks good. I want
• 12:35
  to be able to wear that. And then I try something on and it's like, oh, well, I didn't realize that I,
• 12:43
  I look like the shortest person in the world in a dress or whatever.
• 12:48
  I can relate to that.
• 12:49
  And then those are your clothes.
• 12:51
  Then you're stuck.
• 12:52
  Yeah.
• 12:53
  Yeah.
• 12:55
  You know what you could do?
• 12:59
  You could come to one of our fitting rooms
• 13:01
  and try on different brands, different sizes.
• 13:04
  And then you have your profile,
• 13:05
  which helps you get a really specific customer card.
• 13:11
  So it's like, okay, my account,
• 13:12
  this is what I want we'll pick the exact sizes for you
• 13:14
  you know
• 13:16
  yeah
• 13:16
  so you're talking like
• 13:20
  what is it like
• 13:22
  stitch fix or whatever
• 13:24
  like or one of those kind of like
• 13:26
  subscription clothing things
• 13:28
  but it's rental
• 13:29
  but it's for vacation
• 13:31
  yeah or travel
• 13:32
  like I'm going to travel for work
• 13:35
  and it's like I don't want to take a carry on
• 13:37
  or a check bag
• 13:38
  I'll just go have them deliver
• 13:40
  Oh, or if it's a work situation,
• 13:44
  maybe you only have a set number of work clothes
• 13:47
  that you wear on a rotation,
• 13:50
  so your coworkers have seen you in all of them
• 13:52
  on a regular basis,
• 13:53
  but you don't want to just go out and buy new work clothes.
• 14:00
  Yeah, this guy gets it.
• 14:02
  Aside from the need to have the world's biggest closet
• 14:08
  for this to like really be helpful.
• 14:11
  I do think this is a good idea
• 14:14
  and one that people would like.
• 14:16
  Thank you, that means a lot.
• 14:17
  Yeah.
• 14:17
  Listen, you know what inspired me about this too
• 14:19
  is because as you know,
• 14:20
  I have a very strange, weird body.
• 14:22
  Not to me.
• 14:23
  Sexy, but strange.
• 14:24
  I think it's...
• 14:25
  I think it's a wonderland.
• 14:26
  Yeah.
• 14:27
  Yeah, a wonderland,
• 14:29
  a sexy wonderland that is strange.
• 14:33
  And like, so the essay,
• 14:34
  I was really feeling myself.
• 14:35
  so I like put on this
• 14:36
  uh
• 14:37
  outfit and you know
• 14:38
  my those blue shorts
• 14:39
  they were they're actually
• 14:39
  kind of like to my knee
• 14:40
  just too long for me
• 14:41
  um
• 14:42
  and I was like
• 14:43
  ooh I look good
• 14:43
  and I turned
• 14:44
  and like
• 14:44
  it was like
• 14:45
  from back to legs
• 14:46
  there was no butt at all
• 14:48
  and I'm like
• 14:49
  how can I feel so good
• 14:50
  in the front
• 14:51
  and then turn around
• 14:52
  and be just
• 14:52
  absolutely disgusted
• 14:53
  so
• 14:55
  I'm
• 14:57
  there are
• 14:58
  butts in the world
• 14:59
  like mine
• 15:00
  I'm sure
• 15:00
  that would
• 15:01
  appreciate
• 15:02
  being able to do
• 15:03
  specific measurements
• 15:04
  yes
• 15:06
  and also my chest
• 15:08
  I'm big up here
• 15:10
  you are barrel chested
• 15:12
  you're a strong man
• 15:13
  yeah so we gotta do something about that
• 15:15
  with clothes
• 15:16
  but then again I would argue
• 15:19
  wouldn't you just want those clothes in real life
• 15:22
  you can buy them
• 15:23
  okay
• 15:24
  yeah try it and buy it
• 15:25
  that's one of our options
• 15:27
  so then you're theoretically leaving with a suitcase
• 15:30
  no no we'll ship it to your house
• 15:32
  okay yeah yeah and also we get a discount with UPS because we do so much business or FedEx
• 15:39
  whatever well that's lucky you've already negotiated that yeah they yeah we could probably
• 15:44
  start our own postal company and I know you keep saying when you want to just want those clothes in
• 15:47
  real life but if you're someone on a budget let's say you're on vacation people take a lot of pictures
• 15:52
  on vacation so if you're gonna be looking at these pictures or posting them then might want some
• 15:56
  higher end clothes, maybe designer labels.
• 16:00
  But you can't afford those in real life,
• 16:02
  so you're just going to rent them for the photo op.
• 16:06
  Yeah, I guess there are certain places where you want vacation clothes
• 16:10
  that don't necessarily, you don't wear tropical clothing
• 16:14
  in your day-to-day life.
• 16:16
  You live in Colorado, you idiot.
• 16:18
  Take that off.
• 16:19
  Or like our Alaska trip.
• 16:22
  I did spend a decent amount of money on clothes
• 16:24
  that I will never wear again, probably.
• 16:26
  It's true, I do have a nice jacket now.
• 16:29
  I know, like it's a really nice jacket,
• 16:31
  but I spent so much money on it
• 16:32
  and I never have occasion to wear it
• 16:33
  except for that one time.
• 16:34
  Yeah.
• 16:36
  Sounds like there are rumblings
• 16:37
  in the fashion community.
• 16:41
  I've been on board since I heard about it.
• 16:43
  I'm just trying to get Jenna to recognize.
• 16:45
  She has a valid point, I will say.
• 16:47
  I'm on board.
• 16:49
  Mosquitoes, mosquitoes.
• 16:53
  I will kill you where you stand.
• 16:55
  audience mosquito in the in the studio and we have one of those electrifying rackets i think
• 17:01
  it's plural i think there's multiple mosquitoes in here oh i hate mosquitoes so much you hate them
• 17:06
  yeah because i get bit every if there's a mosquito around it's coming for me joe kill the mosquitoes
• 17:10
  but not if it lands on my skin don hit me with that electric racket all mosquitoes listeners do you know that one episode of breaking bad the fly yeah that like us in that because last episode we
• 17:24
  recorded if it sounds at any point in time like we were distracted uh that we were there was a fly
• 17:32
  that was hovering around both francis and i the whole time and joe too um it was very annoying
• 17:38
  anyway that's why we have this racket at the ready it's a racket for mosquitoes okay so
• 17:44
  here's the deal i like the idea i know you're saying you're trying to get me on board
• 17:49
  i am on board i feel like my part of my job is don't threaten me with that racket it's like home
• 17:57
  alone what are you what are you doing marv part of my part of my job uh is to for the consumer's
• 18:06
  sake to play devil's advocate to make sure that we're not missing anything and if there are any
• 18:15
  problems we can fix them before it gets rolled out right we want to we want to go from we don't
• 18:23
  want to be in beta with any of our products we want to hit the ground running where it feels
• 18:27
  like we're already on version three or whatever you know what i mean yeah i do so anyway
• 18:35
  okay oh I have a
• 18:41
  here's one this is a weird one
• 18:42
  I just thought of an idea
• 18:45
  does this include underwear too
• 18:47
  we don't do that because that's
• 18:49
  gross but for we
• 18:51
  will like you'll get
• 18:53
  underwear and socks that are new
• 18:54
  okay so right though I mean I assumed it wouldn't
• 18:57
  be easy but like
• 18:58
  like there will be
• 19:02
  they will give you panties
• 19:04
  or a single panty
• 19:07
  if you're only staying for one night.
• 19:12
  Yes, but anything that is intimate is single use.
• 19:15
  Not single use, but it's new.
• 19:16
  Right, that makes sense.
• 19:18
  But that's another thing that people are very specific about.
• 19:22
  Tell us what you want.
• 19:25
  I would like a very specific panty.
• 19:28
  What are you going to say?
• 19:29
  Go ahead, order, tell me what you want.
• 19:32
  well I mean people would get they they're men have less variety than women in terms of like
• 19:38
  brands or types or like there's
• 19:42
  I would like a panty that has
• 19:48
  licorice that is high-waisted but also high thigh only on the right side
• 19:58
  and boy short on the left side.
• 20:01
  I mean, they need to choose things that exist.
• 20:04
  Oh, you want the everything panty?
• 20:05
  Yeah, the everything panty.
• 20:06
  All right, fire up an everything panty.
• 20:09
  We just have people in the back sewing frantically.
• 20:12
  I'm just imagining it like a drive-thru.
• 20:16
  Bras are a hard thing to fit.
• 20:18
  Sorry, this is a podcast where friends talk about bras.
• 20:23
  Okay, we have or can get the size that you need.
• 20:28
  Okay.
• 20:28
  All right.
• 20:29
  Unless you have a freakishly weird rack.
• 20:36
  Okay.
• 20:37
  I thought that was a travel neck pillow.
• 20:41
  It is on the left.
• 20:42
  It's not on the right.
• 20:43
  Interesting.
• 20:44
  Interesting.
• 20:45
  So.
• 20:48
  Okay.
• 20:50
  What's the price point on this bad boy?
• 20:52
  Well, we have different price points.
• 20:53
  I mean, if you're looking for more of a luxury experience,
• 20:55
  the price will go up.
• 20:56
  Yeah.
• 20:57
  it just depends on what you're renting yeah if you're looking for like just basics you know
• 21:00
  that'll be a lower price point if you want some it doesn't have to be everything it's like oh i
• 21:06
  want one fancy shirt and pants to go out okay you're we're doing it piece by piece and we'll
• 21:11
  do packages and like we'll offer like deals and things like that so we'll have something for
• 21:14
  everyone okay okay um all right what do we want to call this um no no pack rat
• 21:25
  well if you want it to be high end you probably should avoid the word
• 21:30
  rat
• 21:31
  something with packing
• 21:36
  check checked
• 21:38
  checked mate
• 21:42
  checked mate
• 21:45
  that's good
• 21:46
  right yeah because you don't have to check a bag
• 21:50
  yeah
• 21:50
  like I love it
• 21:53
  Oh, Joe, do you have anything?
• 21:56
  I'm thinking.
• 21:59
  I'll come back to it.
• 22:01
  Okay.
• 22:07
  Something with box.
• 22:10
  I'm so bad at this.
• 22:13
  Something with closet.
• 22:16
  Something with bras.
• 22:20
  What bra do you hear?
• 22:23
  how bra you sleep at night deep cut deep cut yep
• 22:30
  wow is that episode two two or three probably two yeah i think it's two wow
• 22:39
  fold laundry
• 22:43
  laundry
• 22:49
  launder
• 22:50
  does launder sound like anything
• 22:53
  launder
• 22:54
  it sounds like
• 22:57
  money laundering
• 22:59
  does
• 23:01
  launder
• 23:03
  instant threads
• 23:05
  instant threads
• 23:06
  threads
• 23:07
  threads now
• 23:10
  threads
• 23:11
  threadlocks
• 23:15
  write it down
• 23:18
  threadlocks
• 23:19
  what about something with fit
• 23:21
  fit
• 23:22
  yeah people refer to their outfit as their fit
• 23:26
  yeah yeah yeah
• 23:27
  fresh fit
• 23:28
  something with travel
• 23:33
  fit, vacation
• 23:35
  go, fly
• 23:37
  travel-offity
• 23:39
  it's inviting a lawsuit but i love it
• 23:43
  where where where where comma you down
• 23:52
  there's the mosquitoes
• 23:56
  it bites the back of my head it's not gonna bite you we asked it specifically not to
• 24:03
  don't maim her
• 24:05
  I wish I said that
• 24:08
  clothes
• 24:10
  clothes for business
• 24:12
  I like you just said your own little mic drop moment
• 24:18
  just lean back
• 24:20
  it just felt so good
• 24:22
  alright
• 24:24
  well I think
• 24:27
  this is a service people will
• 24:30
  want to use
• 24:31
  I mean if you stain the clothes
• 24:34
  and we can't get it out
• 24:35
  you will be charged I forgot to mention that
• 24:37
  we're not a charity
• 24:38
  don't ruin our shit
• 24:40
  yeah don't ruin it but regular
• 24:42
  like if it just needs to be cleaned
• 24:45
  and it can be cleaned
• 24:46
  and if at any point the clothes are more wearing you
• 24:50
  we charge for that too
• 24:51
  yeah we should at least be honest about that
• 24:53
  send us a picture wearing every outfit we rented to you
• 24:58
  so we can know if we want to continue
• 25:01
  And every bra and every panty.
• 25:05
  All of them.
• 25:06
  I love that word.
• 25:08
  Yeah, it's a good word.
• 25:09
  Yeah, it's good.
• 25:10
  It's also kind of a gross word.
• 25:12
  I don't know.
• 25:13
  Well, no, it's actually funny if you think about it because it's just like little pant.
• 25:18
  Yeah.
• 25:18
  That's funny.
• 25:19
  I love words like that.
• 25:20
  Oh, I would also think of it as like.
• 25:26
  It's hot.
• 25:27
  Oh, I hope my thing is the real one.
• 25:29
  Although actually, no, I like.
• 25:31
  That's funny.
• 25:33
  All right.
• 25:34
  Well, I think we'll go to veryfinefriends.com to sign up for your clothes for business,
• 25:42
  your threadlocks.
• 25:45
  And yeah, enjoy your next vacation.
• 25:49
  Yeah.
• 25:49
  You're going to save $40 checking a bag.
• 25:53
  Yeah.
• 25:53
  And you're not going to have to shop for vacation clothes that you'll only wear once.
• 25:58
  You're welcome.
• 25:58
  and also you don't have to worry about your toiletries
• 26:01
  either
• 26:03
  yeah and travel free
• 26:05
  be free
• 26:05
  yeah very liberating
• 26:07
  that would be like a weird feeling at first
• 26:12
  like you know when you get the first time you got into a Waymo
• 26:14
  and you're like
• 26:15
  weird
• 26:16
  it's just like
• 26:18
  like walking onto a plane and just being like
• 26:21
  I have nothing
• 26:23
  I just have like my purse and a book
• 26:25
  I think that sounds amazing actually
• 26:27
  I don't even have a bra
• 26:28
  It would be, yeah, I don't even have a bra.
• 26:31
  I think it would be a weird feeling, though.
• 26:35
  It would be that we were like, I feel like I'm forgetting something.
• 26:38
  I think it would feel weird when you landed and didn't have to go to baggage claim.
• 26:42
  Yeah.
• 26:42
  It's like, all right, I can just leave.
• 26:44
  Great.
• 26:44
  Yeah.
• 26:45
  Or in the car, it saves you space.
• 26:47
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:49
  All right.
• 26:49
  Well, that wraps up the invention of the week.
• 26:53
  Good job, Francis.
• 26:55
  Thanks.
• 26:57
  Thank you.
• 26:58
  I like when you invent services
• 27:00
  yeah?
• 27:02
  yeah
• 27:02
  I like when you invent things too
• 27:05
  I like all of your inventions
• 27:07
  thanks
• 27:09
  I really mean that
• 27:10
  I like when you invent a reason to spend time with us
• 27:13
  I don't need to do that
• 27:15
  I'll just follow you guys around
• 27:16
  don't maim her
• 27:18
  don't befriend them
• 27:21
  they're mine
• 27:22
  well
• 27:24
  it's time for our next segment
• 27:27
  Saint Peter
• 27:30
  said no.
• 27:34
  I'm Saint Peter
• 27:36
  and I am saying no.
• 27:50
  Okay.
• 27:52
  Well, in this segment,
• 27:54
  Francis and I
• 27:56
  have died
• 27:57
  of laughter, apparently.
• 28:05
  Sugar crush.
• 28:07
  And we get to the pearly gates
• 28:10
  and find out the reasons we're not going to heaven.
• 28:15
  Just a quick question.
• 28:16
  Yeah.
• 28:16
  Any reason the gates are pearly?
• 28:17
  Is that written down anywhere?
• 28:19
  Why are they pearly?
• 28:20
  That's a good question.
• 28:24
  Because Jesus vacationed at Cabo one time
• 28:27
  and in the beach he saw Mother of Pearl
• 28:29
  and it was
• 28:31
  one of the most beautiful things he ever saw
• 28:32
  so when he came back he was like
• 28:34
  get me my interior decorator
• 28:36
  get me my exterior decorator
• 28:38
  I was thinking maybe it was
• 28:41
  made of the puka shells of all the people that didn't get in
• 28:43
  that's true
• 28:45
  wearing a puka shell necklace
• 28:47
  you will not get in
• 28:48
  everyone knows that
• 28:49
  step forward
• 28:56
  hi hi hi oh my god oh welcome welcome oh you like it oh yeah it's gorgeous oh this is so exciting
• 29:04
  it's designed by god he's got good taste he is good god is good uh name please uh jenna
• 29:14
  you know yeah let me go through my scroll we still do it old school
• 29:18
  Wi-Fi is terrible up here
• 29:20
  Is this you?
• 29:25
  Just to verify
• 29:25
  Yeah, that's me
• 29:28
  You can't come in, doll
• 29:29
  What? No
• 29:31
  Sorry, it's what the list says
• 29:32
  You're going to have to go down to heck
• 29:34
  No, no, no, no
• 29:36
  I lived a great life
• 29:39
  It says here that in 2015
• 29:43
  You had a disposable cup
• 29:45
  And you threw it to a garbage can
• 29:47
  but it didn't make it and you looked and you saw it and you took a step toward it and then you left
• 29:52
  oh okay i can explain that um i can explain that let's clear it up as i stepped forward towards
• 29:58
  the cup i i saw in the distance what appeared to be a dog running really fast at me and i thought
• 30:10
  oh no i have to get out of here before the dog attacks me and so it was a it was a survival
• 30:15
  situation. Turns out
• 30:17
  there wasn't a dog, but I thought
• 30:19
  there was a dog coming to attack me.
• 30:21
  And so that's why
• 30:22
  I had to leave that cup behind.
• 30:25
  Let me just write that down. Thoughts of dog.
• 30:28
  Alright, well that clears it up.
• 30:29
  Ooh, there's something else.
• 30:31
  No, no.
• 30:32
  Did you ever say
• 30:35
  quote, shut up, bitch?
• 30:40
  Yes, technically
• 30:42
  I've said shut up
• 30:44
  bitch. But I, okay. I, okay. So my friends and I like to joke a lot. Right. And that's like a fun,
• 30:54
  like little thing where it's like, someone says something and you're like, they're talking about
• 30:57
  a party that they went to. And you're just like, it's like a, no, I can't believe it. We'll say
• 31:02
  shut up bitch. And then one time, just one time I was talking to my mom and,
• 31:10
  And she was like, she was talking about something and I went, shut up, bitch.
• 31:17
  And it was just because I was thinking of it like my friends.
• 31:22
  The way we friends say it.
• 31:24
  I didn't, it wasn't on purpose like that.
• 31:28
  Okay.
• 31:28
  Oh, I found a technicality here.
• 31:30
  Bitch is also a word used to describe a dog.
• 31:33
  Oh, I guess I have a lot of dog related excuses.
• 31:36
  Yeah.
• 31:37
  You know what?
• 31:37
  I think I'm going to make an executive decision on that.
• 31:40
  They do give me a little bit of power
• 31:41
  I'm going to say you're okay
• 31:43
  So go ahead and come
• 31:44
  Oh no, now what?
• 31:46
  This is not good
• 31:49
  What?
• 31:52
  It says here that you
• 31:53
  Touched the head of a bald man
• 31:55
  That you didn't know and shook him
• 31:57
  While saying bald
• 32:00
  Bald, bald, bald
• 32:01
  Baldi, baldi, bald
• 32:02
  Oh no, I'm not reading this
• 32:03
  It's verbatim
• 32:04
  You kept going for a while
• 32:05
  Bald, bald man, baldy
• 32:07
  Bald
• 32:08
  Does it say anything about the me licking his head after I did that?
• 32:14
  Or is that, is that allowed?
• 32:18
  Uh, doesn't mention it.
• 32:20
  I think it's allowed.
• 32:21
  Okay.
• 32:21
  Okay, good.
• 32:22
  Um, cause that part, I can't explain why I licked it.
• 32:25
  It just felt like it needed to be licked.
• 32:27
  But look, here's the thing.
• 32:30
  Um, this man, uh, this was, okay.
• 32:35
  This was in the dead of summer when this happened.
• 32:37
  and this man, I could tell he wasn't wearing sunscreen.
• 32:44
  And as you know, skin in the summer,
• 32:48
  it's like, oh, you got to be careful.
• 32:50
  I didn't want this man to get burned
• 32:52
  and then possibly get cancer.
• 32:54
  So I had to just remind him,
• 32:56
  it seemed that he was acting as if he had hair is the thing.
• 32:59
  He was acting as if his head was protected by hair.
• 33:02
  And I needed to remind him that it wasn't, it wasn't protected by hair.
• 33:11
  So I went to him and I was like, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, bald, you're bald.
• 33:22
  And I feel like I probably saved that man's life.
• 33:27
  You know, I can file that under act of charity.
• 33:30
  Thank you.
• 33:30
  That's how I meant it.
• 33:32
  That's what it was.
• 33:34
  I wanted that.
• 33:35
  He looked like he had a lovely family.
• 33:37
  I didn't want them to lose that bald head of his too early.
• 33:43
  Well, oh, there's a second page here.
• 33:48
  Surely this, this must be incorrect.
• 33:50
  What?
• 33:51
  Well, I just, you seem so nice.
• 33:53
  I just don't believe that you would have ever force fed a pregnant lady sushi.
• 33:58
  Right?
• 34:00
  Well, okay.
• 34:02
  And here's the thing.
• 34:05
  I was on the subway.
• 34:09
  There was a pregnant lady, and she was eating tacos on the subway.
• 34:17
  And then I had sushi.
• 34:18
  I was sitting next to her, just a couple of gals eating full meals on the subway.
• 34:24
  And she started eating her tacos.
• 34:27
  And then I could tell like she started choking Right She started choking She was going ah ah ah ah ah And I know granted I know how to do the Heimlich maneuver I don know how to do it on a pregnant lady
• 34:40
  because of the belly.
• 34:43
  I didn't know the mechanics of how that would get in the way.
• 34:46
  So I looked at my sushi and I had some,
• 34:49
  some nice like slippery sushi.
• 34:52
  And so I started like putting my sushi down her throat,
• 34:55
  hoping that the sushi would force the tacos down
• 34:58
  and then open up her airway.
• 35:02
  So I was just trying to use my sushi as a way to get her tacos down
• 35:07
  so that she could breathe again.
• 35:12
  So yes, I force fed her sushi and she did die.
• 35:18
  But that wasn't my fault.
• 35:20
  That was the taco's fault.
• 35:21
  Oh, you know, we only go by intention up here.
• 35:24
  Right.
• 35:24
  And so I intended to save a life that day.
• 35:28
  You're lucky.
• 35:28
  And also, I lost my sushi.
• 35:30
  I gave up my sushi.
• 35:31
  That was expensive sushi.
• 35:32
  Yes.
• 35:33
  You know, if you do get in, you're actually going to qualify for a club access level.
• 35:37
  Oh, thank God.
• 35:37
  Because you tried to save a life.
• 35:39
  Thank you.
• 35:39
  Yeah.
• 35:40
  Two if you count Baldy.
• 35:42
  Oh, that's right.
• 35:43
  Well, we only have one club access level.
• 35:44
  We'll get you a nice view.
• 35:45
  Thank you.
• 35:46
  Of course.
• 35:49
  There's really not a lot written down here, except it doesn't make much sense to me.
• 35:52
  It says, made bees extinct.
• 35:58
  Yeah.
• 36:00
  Do you know what this is about?
• 36:03
  Yeah.
• 36:05
  I, that was a misunderstanding.
• 36:12
  So, do you know, you knew my Aunt Bea.
• 36:20
  You must, she died.
• 36:22
  Oh, she died?
• 36:23
  Yes, I know her.
• 36:23
  You must have rejected her.
• 36:24
  Yeah.
• 36:27
  Dead Bea.
• 36:28
  Yes, dead bee.
• 36:29
  Yeah.
• 36:30
  That's what we called her on Earth, too.
• 36:32
  So she was not a good person, as you know.
• 36:38
  I know.
• 36:38
  You must have had a whole filing cabinet on old Aunt Bea.
• 36:42
  She was actually escorted down.
• 36:44
  I'm not supposed to.
• 36:45
  Whoa.
• 36:46
  Like security had to take her?
• 36:47
  Yeah.
• 36:47
  Wow.
• 36:49
  Well, it's good to know we were right about her, I guess.
• 36:54
  She had it coming.
• 36:55
  anyway um my my cousins and i we were also traumatized by our evil aunt b our mean mean
• 37:10
  mean aunt b um that we used to like at slumber parties when we would have like cousin sleepovers
• 37:18
  and stuff, we would talk about it.
• 37:21
  And then I was the oldest of the cousins.
• 37:24
  And they were like, what are we going to do, Aunt Bea?
• 37:27
  Aunt Bea.
• 37:28
  And I'm like, don't worry, I'll take care of it.
• 37:31
  And then we had just seen Jurassic Park.
• 37:34
  And one of the kids was like, will you make Aunt Bea extinct?
• 37:39
  And I said, yes, yes, no longer will Bea terrorize us.
• 37:45
  Aunt Bea will be extinct.
• 37:46
  So I created a special spray to repel ant bee,
• 37:54
  and it turns out that that spray is actually really,
• 38:01
  it was quite toxic, and it targeted actual bees.
• 38:06
  Oh, that's an accident.
• 38:09
  It was an accident.
• 38:10
  I was trying to protect my younger cousins from the horror that was Aunt B.
• 38:23
  I want you to know I'm really rooting for you.
• 38:25
  I want you in.
• 38:27
  Thank you.
• 38:27
  I just have one last question.
• 38:29
  Okay.
• 38:29
  Based on my notes here.
• 38:32
  Where were you on 9-11?
• 38:40
  All right, I'll see myself out.
• 38:48
  Welcome, my son.
• 38:50
  Hello, Father.
• 38:51
  Please call me St. Peter.
• 38:53
  Oh, St. Peter.
• 38:55
  I'm just so happy to have made it.
• 38:58
  Well, not quite yet.
• 39:00
  Not quite yet.
• 39:01
  Oh, of course.
• 39:02
  You got to check my ID or something.
• 39:03
  Yeah.
• 39:05
  All right.
• 39:06
  Oh, so.
• 39:08
  Organ donor.
• 39:09
  organ donor
• 39:11
  yes
• 39:11
  not really helpful if you've
• 39:15
  treated your body like a dumpster
• 39:16
  and done every
• 39:19
  terrible drug known to man
• 39:21
  and organs are no longer viable
• 39:23
  what did your paper say?
• 39:27
  yeah I did
• 39:27
  did you want me to address that?
• 39:31
  no no no no that's fine
• 39:33
  everyone does drugs
• 39:34
  we've kind of come to
• 39:36
  that's a given
• 39:39
  now um let's see um you uh this is interesting you looks like you did a lot of charity work
• 39:50
  um you did a lot of work uh with food banks i did thank you yeah uh it says here though
• 40:00
  you used to keep the good stuff
• 40:06
  for yourself?
• 40:11
  Yes, I did.
• 40:13
  I can speak on that.
• 40:14
  Oh, good.
• 40:15
  Please, I'd like some clarification.
• 40:17
  Yeah, so
• 40:17
  a lot of the people
• 40:21
  who were receiving the benefits
• 40:23
  had never had the good stuff.
• 40:25
  And I was worried
• 40:26
  if I provided it to them,
• 40:29
  it would make
• 40:31
  the stuff they got the next week,
• 40:33
  they wouldn't want it.
• 40:34
  and it would create this whole
• 40:36
  rabble, rabble
• 40:38
  and I'm like, you know, we need peace.
• 40:41
  We need peace on earth.
• 40:42
  That's my job. I'm a good person.
• 40:44
  I'm doing peace.
• 40:46
  So I took the good stuff home
• 40:48
  and I know it says in your notes
• 40:50
  for myself because I always tasted everything
• 40:52
  to make sure it was safe before I gave it
• 40:54
  to a slightly different class of people who needed
• 40:56
  the food.
• 40:58
  So you didn't keep any of it.
• 41:00
  Only to make sure it was
• 41:02
  safe. A couple of bites here and there, a couple of swigs. And then I gave it
• 41:07
  like one hand to the other.
• 41:10
  Okay. And so this new class of people that you gave this to,
• 41:14
  they were, it was okay for them to taste the finer things in life?
• 41:18
  They were used to it.
• 41:20
  Okay.
• 41:21
  Yeah.
• 41:21
  Okay.
• 41:22
  T.O.C. how I'm trying to balance or belongs.
• 41:25
  All right. So keep the poor, poor.
• 41:27
  Keep the middle class, middle class.
• 41:29
  Okay.
• 41:30
  All right. Interesting strategy.
• 41:31
  I could see where your heart was.
• 41:36
  I'll just be going in now. That's okay.
• 41:39
  No, no, not yet.
• 41:40
  This is interesting.
• 41:44
  It says here you
• 41:45
  stole seven cars
• 41:51
  throughout your life. Seven different times you stole a car.
• 41:57
  Yes, I did.
• 41:58
  I can speak on that
• 42:00
  Please, thank you
• 42:01
  You know how there's seven deadly sins?
• 42:05
  Yes, I do know that
• 42:06
  Oh, famously, up here
• 42:07
  We say it all
• 42:09
  So
• 42:11
  What it did was
• 42:13
  I thought to myself, people got to stop sinning
• 42:17
  And I've got to help
• 42:19
  I was very religious on it, I was a pious man
• 42:21
  We love that around here
• 42:23
  Yeah
• 42:23
  So first I saw a man who was slothful
• 42:28
  and I was like, ooh, that's one of the sins
• 42:30
  and then an idea hatched
• 42:32
  and so I saw my first car
• 42:34
  and I thought, okay, this is going to be good
• 42:35
  so I went up to him and I said, sir, slothful sir
• 42:37
  I've been witnessing you
• 42:40
  and you've done not
• 42:41
  good use
• 42:44
  of the word not
• 42:45
  yeah, thanks, you don't get to say it as often as you like
• 42:47
  and he was like, get off my back
• 42:49
  and I was like, I'm not going anywhere until you let me help you
• 42:52
  and he tried to leave
• 42:54
  and I shook his shoulders
• 42:55
  and many pills fell out of his pocket
• 42:57
  Oh.
• 42:59
  Anyway.
• 43:00
  And coins.
• 43:01
  So I said,
• 43:02
  you see that car over there?
• 43:03
  Do you see that?
• 43:05
  It was a Nissan 370Z.
• 43:07
  Hmm.
• 43:08
  Yeah.
• 43:08
  Fun car.
• 43:09
  Yeah.
• 43:10
  Zippy.
• 43:11
  It is zippy.
• 43:12
  I said,
• 43:12
  you see that car in Magnum Titanic silver?
• 43:17
  And he was like,
• 43:18
  yeah.
• 43:18
  And I said,
• 43:18
  you want that car?
• 43:20
  He said,
• 43:21
  yeah.
• 43:22
  I said,
• 43:22
  you got to do something for me.
• 43:24
  You got to start a habit,
• 43:26
  any habit you want.
• 43:27
  And if you can do that habit for five weeks,
• 43:30
  five weeks is what it takes to make a habit.
• 43:32
  Give it to you.
• 43:34
  And you know what, Peter?
• 43:35
  Yeah.
• 43:36
  He did.
• 43:37
  What habit did he start?
• 43:39
  He started smoking.
• 43:43
  Okay.
• 43:44
  I wasn't specific.
• 43:45
  Plus, I thought it would get him here sooner.
• 43:49
  You guys like people.
• 43:51
  Anyway, so then I was like so happy that I did it six more times
• 43:54
  for one for each of the other sins.
• 43:56
  So you've got somebody to stop their deadly sin and take up smoking.
• 44:02
  Which is not a sin.
• 44:03
  It's just a vice.
• 44:06
  That's true.
• 44:07
  Okay.
• 44:07
  All right.
• 44:08
  I've read your book.
• 44:10
  Thank you.
• 44:11
  I appreciate that.
• 44:12
  It still means a lot to me when I hear that people have read my work.
• 44:20
  Oh, yeah.
• 44:21
  All right.
• 44:22
  Um, now this is one more thing here.
• 44:28
  This is kind of a weird, um, so you were in the Senate for a while.
• 44:39
  Yeah.
• 44:40
  Correct.
• 44:40
  Yeah.
• 44:40
  Yes.
• 44:41
  I served.
• 44:42
  Uh, yeah, that's how they say that.
• 44:45
  Um, it says here that you, you were filibustering a bill that would prevent the torture of baby
• 45:04
  seals.
• 45:04
  You did a 23-hour filibuster to stop people from stopping torturing baby seals.
• 45:17
  Can you speak to that a little bit?
• 45:19
  Yeah, I can speak on that.
• 45:20
  No, baby seal torture is legal now because of you.
• 45:27
  Here's the facts.
• 45:28
  Okay.
• 45:29
  What you didn't know, what the mainstream news won't tell you,
• 45:33
  Okay.
• 45:33
  is that in that bill
• 45:35
  was buried a small provision
• 45:38
  that no one knew about
• 45:39
  that if it passed,
• 45:42
  yes, it would stop the murder of baby seals,
• 45:44
  which we can all agree is a good thing.
• 45:47
  Yeah.
• 45:48
  It also would have done something else
• 45:50
  far more heinous.
• 45:52
  It would have taxed billionaires.
• 45:56
  No.
• 45:57
  Yeah.
• 45:58
  And I said,
• 45:59
  not on my watch.
• 46:01
  so i got out there on that floor and i said everything i could think of i talked about seals
• 46:08
  porpoises polar bears arctic flowers permafrost uh yeah you you went on a solar flares you went
• 46:18
  on a 73 minute rant about q anon too that's in my notes well there's a lot to say yeah yeah i could
• 46:25
  talk about it now i can speak on that no no it's okay it's okay i can just check the tape yeah also
• 46:31
  have you ever bashed in the brains of a baby seal?
• 46:34
  I can't say that I have.
• 46:36
  Well,
• 46:36
  then who are you to judge?
• 46:38
  You know what?
• 46:38
  That's a fair point.
• 46:40
  Uh,
• 46:41
  I just have one,
• 46:43
  Oh,
• 46:43
  one final question for you.
• 46:45
  That was the last one.
• 46:45
  Oh,
• 46:45
  okay.
• 46:45
  Okay.
• 46:46
  I'm getting cold out here.
• 46:48
  Oh,
• 46:48
  well,
• 46:49
  it's warm in there.
• 46:50
  It's warm in heaven.
• 46:50
  I can feel it.
• 46:51
  It's coming out of the gates and it smells like cookies.
• 46:52
  I like that.
• 46:56
  Where were you at?
• 46:57
  9-11.
• 46:57
  i'll see myself out
• 47:01
  all right i think that i guess it's clear why what kind of lives we've lived um yeah that wraps up
• 47:13
  what if you were at 7 11 on 9 11 oh my god someone was listening to 3 11
• 47:19
  there was someone that had that exact and you were on the phone with 411
• 47:26
  yeah
• 47:28
  wow
• 47:30
  what if someone
• 47:31
  someone had that experience
• 47:33
  crazy
• 47:35
  getting measured
• 47:38
  in your 5'11
• 47:39
  okay
• 47:43
  alright well
• 47:45
  St. Peter said no
• 47:47
  you are being
• 47:50
  objected to and you are going
• 47:52
  to hell
• 47:53
  all right it's time for our final segment the big question the question is very big
• 48:04
  so francis me you know what time it is it's time for me to ask it's time for us to find out
• 48:12
  if there is a big question for this episode which in and of itself is a big question yeah that's true
• 48:18
  okay sure yeah i got one okay here it is okay my big question a big old giant huge question
• 48:30
  oh look at it whoa there's not enough room in the room for this question i know
• 48:36
  anyway um you know about aliens ah yeah i want to know if like in the movie et
• 48:45
  an alien came down and landed near you
• 48:48
  yeah whatever on your property
• 48:49
  and presumably could speak or be taught
• 48:52
  English
• 48:52
  what would you do with the alien
• 48:57
  like assuming now it's like part of your life
• 49:00
  how would you
• 49:01
  integrate it into society
• 49:04
  without raising suspicion you know
• 49:06
  and what would you tell it about
• 49:08
  earth
• 49:08
  um
• 49:11
  does this alien have powers
• 49:14
  he lives to be 150
• 49:18
  is that a power
• 49:22
  he can also tell what it's right
• 49:27
  okay that's good i can't do that uh let's say it's just a it's just a being
• 49:34
  you know i would say that they're either your aircraft is more this is more
• 49:39
  advanced than what we have.
• 49:41
  So maybe they come from a more enlightened...
• 49:42
  So you can't read minds or...
• 49:44
  No, no. He's just a wrinkly old dude.
• 49:49
  Okay.
• 49:51
  Do I need to hide him
• 49:53
  or protect him for any reason?
• 49:54
  That's up to you because
• 49:55
  who knows what the government will do.
• 50:01
  My initial thought is then
• 50:03
  not my problem.
• 50:06
  good luck buddy wait because he doesn't have a power what what what am i helping him for
• 50:14
  what has he done for me yeah he's not done anything for me
• 50:18
  well i'm am i trying to manipulate him out of something um so you're just gonna let him
• 50:27
  die or get found what i have to save everybody now
• 50:32
  all right okay all right so maybe you could find an angle for yourself in this
• 50:39
  like et could heal stuff right this one can regenerate body parts that are cut off
• 50:49
  like a lizard just his own body parts not my body parts i don't know i haven't talked to him
• 50:55
  he's on your property thank you for respecting the boundaries of my property line by the way
• 51:01
  Yeah.
• 51:03
  Okay, let's say that, all right.
• 51:04
  Let's say that he can, in fact, regenerate my limbs
• 51:12
  or have that kind of like healing power.
• 51:15
  Here's what I'd do.
• 51:16
  Okay.
• 51:17
  He's now useful to me.
• 51:18
  I don't care if he could be 150.
• 51:20
  That doesn't do anything for me.
• 51:22
  The older you get, the more annoying you are.
• 51:25
  Ain't that the truth?
• 51:26
  Yeah.
• 51:28
  Doddering old alien.
• 51:29
  Remind me to tell you a story off pot.
• 51:32
  Oh, I will.
• 51:33
  Okay.
• 51:37
  So I would say okay I would befriend him and I would say hey look I listen Gleeptron that his name Gleeptron Gleeptron Gleeptron was my father who called me Gleep sorry Gleep okay
• 51:57
  I'm your only friend here buddy
• 52:00
  everybody else is going to want to experiment on you
• 52:02
  and they're going to want to like
• 52:03
  take your healing powers
• 52:06
  and they're going to exploit you
• 52:08
  you're going to live in a lab forever
• 52:10
  I'm going to let you live a life of fun
• 52:13
  stick with me
• 52:14
  we're going to have some fun
• 52:15
  man
• 52:16
  and then I would think Gleap John would be interested in that.
• 52:23
  That's a good pitch.
• 52:24
  Yeah, you'll actually be free.
• 52:26
  What if Gleap John has no concept of fun?
• 52:31
  How would you introduce him to fun?
• 52:35
  I would take him to an amusement park.
• 52:39
  We'd ride some roller coasters.
• 52:41
  In a wig?
• 52:42
  Yeah, yes.
• 52:44
  You mean Jenna would be wearing a wig?
• 52:45
  I would be wearing a wig.
• 52:47
  Yeah.
• 52:48
  Now, I'm definitely picturing a lot of dressing up Roger the Alien style from American Dad,
• 52:54
  but I know you know.
• 52:55
  Yeah, I know.
• 52:55
  For our listeners.
• 52:58
  Yeah, so there'd be a lot of disguises and stuff like that.
• 53:02
  You could go to Clothes for Business.
• 53:04
  Yes.
• 53:06
  Have the clothes delivered right to the amusement park.
• 53:09
  Show him a good time there.
• 53:11
  Just like, yeah, just be like, give him ice cream.
• 53:13
  and be like, yeah, this kind of shit exists, man.
• 53:16
  They want to keep this from you.
• 53:17
  Welcome to Earth.
• 53:18
  Yeah.
• 53:19
  And just like really sell them on like the finer points
• 53:23
  of what it's like to just be like have fun and whatever.
• 53:26
  And then I'd be like, I have a great idea
• 53:28
  where we could be having fun all the time,
• 53:31
  make money off of it,
• 53:33
  and it would be like a fun, like cool little thing for us.
• 53:37
  But we're going to need your powers, your healing powers.
• 53:40
  and then at this point he's
• 53:43
  drunk with ice cream
• 53:45
  and probably other things too
• 53:47
  find one of those clouds
• 53:49
  that looks like a rail of cocaine
• 53:51
  I was going to say it would be a disservice if you didn't
• 53:53
  show him drugs
• 53:54
  also he trusts you now
• 53:57
  yeah as well he should
• 53:59
  I'm honestly like I am trying to help him
• 54:01
  yeah you've been kind to him he's sleeping in the shed
• 54:03
  what more could he want
• 54:03
  but it's a nice shed
• 54:05
  it's like yeah it's an outfitted shed
• 54:09
  yeah it's beautiful
• 54:09
  anyway
• 54:12
  it's a shed that's been shopping on
• 54:15
  closed for business it's an outfitted shed
• 54:17
  I would want to like I would say let's create
• 54:23
  a
• 54:24
  jackass style TV show
• 54:27
  where you and I are the stars
• 54:28
  and then we can just do
• 54:31
  we get out jackass jackass
• 54:33
  because we can't truly
• 54:35
  be hurt because you could fix us
• 54:37
  we won't let people know
• 54:38
  they'll just think like we're just kind of superhuman.
• 54:41
  So we get like this like fun, cool celebrity,
• 54:44
  celebrity, right?
• 54:46
  Who would it be?
• 54:48
  Who?
• 54:48
  No, like the concept.
• 54:49
  Oh, I thought you were going to have like a host.
• 54:50
  Oh, no, no.
• 54:50
  I'm saying we become,
• 54:53
  but oh yeah, but let's have a host for our show.
• 54:58
  Johnny Knoxville.
• 55:00
  Honestly, Johnny Knoxville seems like a lot of fun.
• 55:03
  He seems like a fun dude.
• 55:04
  He just starts phoning it in on the other one.
• 55:06
  Yeah.
• 55:08
  Hey, Johnny, we'll paw you away from Fear Factor.
• 55:13
  Is he hosting Fear Factor?
• 55:14
  He hosts Fear Factor now.
• 55:15
  I like that phrase, paw you away.
• 55:19
  Yeah.
• 55:19
  Just so everyone knows I like it.
• 55:21
  Is that what I said?
• 55:22
  Right?
• 55:23
  We'll paw you away from Fear Factor?
• 55:25
  You should just say, we'll pull you away.
• 55:28
  Are you sure?
• 55:29
  I guess we'll never know.
• 55:31
  I mean, did I just invent a phrase?
• 55:33
  Yeah.
• 55:35
  We'll paw you away.
• 55:38
  um
• 55:39
  yeah so who would be
• 55:42
  who would be a fun
• 55:42
  Jennifer Coolidge
• 55:44
  would be fun
• 55:45
  uh
• 55:46
  yeah
• 55:47
  it would be kind of ridiculous
• 55:49
  to have her
• 55:50
  be the host of like
• 55:51
  what about her with Al Pacino
• 55:52
  what would that sound like
• 55:56
  I don't know
• 55:57
  yeah
• 55:58
  she's got a great ass
• 56:02
  these Pacinos
• 56:06
  they're trying to kill me
• 56:07
  Pacino
• 56:08
  Capiche
• 56:10
  Okay this is sounding like a show I would definitely want
• 56:13
  Yeah but then it would be like
• 56:15
  A fun thing that we could do would be an easy way
• 56:17
  To get famous and like rich
• 56:19
  Because you could make a lot of money off of this
• 56:21
  And um
• 56:23
  Yeah you just kind of like screw around
• 56:26
  And do fun pranks all day
• 56:27
  And so it's like that idea of like
• 56:29
  Hey we get to keep this fun time going
• 56:31
  I won't let anyone know about your power
• 56:33
  So no one will try and experiment on you
• 56:35
  but your power is going to be what enables us to keep going with this anyway i think and then it's
• 56:43
  like yeah why wouldn't you be on board with that okay it's having fun all the time okay the day
• 56:47
  comes yeah when he wants to go home okay what do you do um i show him a video of his home planet
• 57:00
  being exploded yeah i finally a good use for it yep and then tell him i'm sorry there's nothing
• 57:05
  to go back for. I didn't want to tell you. Yeah. Uh, but I was, I didn't, I, I thought
• 57:11
  you were happy here and I, so I didn't want to ruin the good time, but your planet doesn't
• 57:17
  exist anymore. That's actually very good. Diabolically good. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, I'd
• 57:23
  like that. I would tune in for that. What would you call the show? I don't know. Slap happy.
• 57:30
  I hadn't thought that far
• 57:36
  Slap happy
• 57:37
  Write it down
• 57:39
  Okay
• 57:40
  Slap happy
• 57:42
  Alright cool I love it
• 57:44
  What would you do?
• 57:46
  If the alien landed?
• 57:47
  Yeah
• 57:48
  First I'd have it tested for AIDS
• 57:50
  You plan on having sex with it?
• 57:54
  I want to keep all my options on the table
• 57:56
  We're going to do all the tests
• 57:58
  And then I'm going to
• 58:00
  I won't tell them what it is for.
• 58:02
  I'd be like, oh, you're here and Earth's crazy,
• 58:03
  so we just got to do these routine labs.
• 58:07
  Anyway, I would explain that it was very lucky
• 58:10
  that it got into my yard.
• 58:12
  Yeah.
• 58:13
  Because I am the sexiest person on Earth.
• 58:19
  And because I was nominated for that
• 58:21
  and unanimously awarded,
• 58:23
  people treat me like shit now.
• 58:26
  And people want to acknowledge it.
• 58:27
  so it's like the whole world voted for you yeah and then the whole world decided to shun you as a
• 58:37
  result yeah it's jealousy i know that so i'd be like so we're gonna go i just want you to know
• 58:41
  that going going into things of who you're dealing with and don't treat me any differently i'm still
• 58:46
  the hottest guy you know anyway so don't treat me any differently treat me like the hottest guy you
• 58:52
  know yeah but he's got a good sense of humor okay um i mean he has to he has aids no he was
• 58:59
  if he has aids the rest of my plan won't work
• 59:03
  just kidding you equals you um so i would put him in a nice costume and take him around town
• 59:15
  show my favorite spots and um you know i've always wanted to go to the global ambassador
• 59:22
  so i get us a room there and i would bring a bunch of pamphlets and brochures and show
• 59:27
  things be like okay here's some pictures like here's thailand here's costa rica
• 59:32
  here's norway any of these sound good to you you that you want to see and he'd be like yeah yeah
• 59:41
  yeah,
• 59:41
  this one looks good.
• 59:42
  I'm like,
• 59:42
  Oh,
• 59:43
  well,
• 59:44
  how we travel on my planet is,
• 59:45
  um,
• 59:46
  friction generates money.
• 59:52
  So he'd be like,
• 59:54
  Oh really?
• 59:55
  And I'm like,
• 59:55
  yeah,
• 59:55
  I know it's,
• 59:56
  it's weird.
• 59:56
  It's,
• 59:57
  it's native to earth and other people don't like to talk about it.
• 59:59
  But,
• 1:00:00
  um,
• 1:00:00
  if you want to go,
• 1:00:00
  I'm willing to take you.
• 1:00:03
  We just need that money.
• 1:00:05
  And he'd be like,
• 1:00:06
  Oh yeah,
• 1:00:06
  of course,
• 1:00:06
  if it's normal.
• 1:00:07
  And so,
• 1:00:08
  um,
• 1:00:10
  you know,
• 1:00:10
  we'd go to Norway.
• 1:00:12
  Wait,
• 1:00:12
  wait,
• 1:00:12
  wait.
• 1:00:13
  You,
• 1:00:13
  you,
• 1:00:14
  you glossed over the,
• 1:00:17
  so yes.
• 1:00:20
  The friction.
• 1:00:20
  Yeah.
• 1:00:21
  The friction.
• 1:00:22
  Did you just pseudo rape this alien?
• 1:00:27
  No,
• 1:00:28
  no,
• 1:00:28
  no.
• 1:00:28
  What do you mean?
• 1:00:29
  You tricked him into thinking that this was how you needed to get,
• 1:00:34
  this was how these trips would happen.
• 1:00:37
  Short answer.
• 1:00:38
  Yes.
• 1:00:38
  You're like,
• 1:00:39
  uh,
• 1:00:39
  someone that like scouts models at the mall.
• 1:00:46
  Um,
• 1:00:46
  is that bad?
• 1:00:50
  There's,
• 1:00:51
  he's one of a one.
• 1:00:53
  Um,
• 1:00:54
  what?
• 1:00:55
  He's the only,
• 1:00:56
  he's the only him in existence.
• 1:01:00
  So,
• 1:01:01
  so I got us,
• 1:01:02
  I got to rape him.
• 1:01:03
  What am I going to do?
• 1:01:04
  Okay.
• 1:01:04
  Well,
• 1:01:05
  is that what you told him to get him into bed?
• 1:01:06
  Okay.
• 1:01:07
  In light of these new developments,
• 1:01:09
  I have to explain sex,
• 1:01:12
  human sex,
• 1:01:14
  to the alien.
• 1:01:15
  To us.
• 1:01:16
  Yes.
• 1:01:17
  Finally.
• 1:01:18
  And that would just be like,
• 1:01:19
  can you take your costume off for a quick second
• 1:01:23
  so I could see compatibility?
• 1:01:26
  You know, like,
• 1:01:28
  is this even a conversation we need to have?
• 1:01:30
  So then he would disrobe.
• 1:01:32
  And I'd be like, just so you know, this is sexual.
• 1:01:34
  So you got to consent to that.
• 1:01:36
  And he'd be like, oh, yeah.
• 1:01:38
  And I'd be like, great.
• 1:01:38
  that's usually how that works right
• 1:01:41
  people say you've got to consent to that
• 1:01:43
  and then consent is given
• 1:01:44
  you must consent
• 1:01:47
  I say I'm going to get some ice from the ice machine
• 1:01:49
  you think about it
• 1:01:50
  we have a dinner reservation though so
• 1:01:52
  move fast
• 1:01:54
  so when I come back in I would just be like
• 1:01:56
  it's up to you
• 1:01:58
  and then I would be like
• 1:02:02
  I was lying before
• 1:02:03
  because I was horny
• 1:02:04
  so what I'm really saying is
• 1:02:07
  welcome to earth I'd like to have sex with you
• 1:02:10
  and he'd be like
• 1:02:12
  oh my god
• 1:02:13
  wow can we still go to Norway
• 1:02:16
  and I'd be like honestly I don't have the miles
• 1:02:18
  for that
• 1:02:18
  but if you're willing to do an interview I'm sure we could get some money
• 1:02:22
  and then we'd have dinner
• 1:02:24
  he would order pork chops
• 1:02:27
  which I don't know how I feel about
• 1:02:29
  laughter
• 1:02:30
  laughter
• 1:02:32
  laughter
• 1:02:33
  laughter
• 1:02:35
  laughter
• 1:02:36
  and I'd have risotto and he'd try some.
• 1:02:40
  And,
• 1:02:41
  um,
• 1:02:42
  yeah,
• 1:02:43
  then we'd have a nice night with whatever he decided to do to me.
• 1:02:49
  Okay.
• 1:02:50
  What if you're not attracted to him?
• 1:02:52
  I mean,
• 1:02:52
  after the sex or before your whole plan is to have sex with this thing and
• 1:02:59
  travel.
• 1:03:00
  Um,
• 1:03:02
  well,
• 1:03:03
  he's one of a one.
• 1:03:04
  I'll be attracted to him.
• 1:03:06
  Okay.
• 1:03:07
  Yeah.
• 1:03:07
  You know, sometimes people are so weird that it's like, you're so weird.
• 1:03:09
  I love you.
• 1:03:11
  You know, they're like, what a face.
• 1:03:14
  Only a face of mother and me could love.
• 1:03:18
  You know, this really all hinges on the blood work.
• 1:03:22
  Right.
• 1:03:22
  That comes back AIDS.
• 1:03:25
  Let's get you back in your ship.
• 1:03:27
  Yeah.
• 1:03:28
  I'm kidding.
• 1:03:30
  You equals you.
• 1:03:32
  All right.
• 1:03:34
  Good answer.
• 1:03:35
  I guess.
• 1:03:35
  I don't know what else
• 1:03:36
  thanks I liked yours too
• 1:03:37
  thanks
• 1:03:37
  what if you were attracted to yours
• 1:03:40
  didn't once occur to you
• 1:03:43
  that I would be attracted to it
• 1:03:45
  yeah
• 1:03:45
  how would you F your alien
• 1:03:47
  hey it's making love
• 1:03:50
  that's a question for another time
• 1:03:56
  all right
• 1:03:56
  all right
• 1:03:58
  that wraps up
• 1:03:59
  the big question
• 1:04:00
  the big question
• 1:04:01
  time for one final thing
• 1:04:04
  Francis. Our secret
• 1:04:07
  words. Secret words.
• 1:04:09
  Secret words.
• 1:04:11
  I'm worried.
• 1:04:13
  I don't know if I'm worried that
• 1:04:15
  you're going to guess my secret word. Nothing stood out to me
• 1:04:17
  so these are just random guesses. I am
• 1:04:19
  worried that I don't have anything for you
• 1:04:20
  because it didn't occur to me until
• 1:04:22
  basically almost all the way through Invention of the Week
• 1:04:25
  that I was like, oh crap, I haven't been
• 1:04:26
  even like on the lookout for anything.
• 1:04:29
  That's okay. I just want you to know
• 1:04:30
  I have fun regardless. Thank you.
• 1:04:33
  I had fun too. Thanks.
• 1:04:34
  I'll have more fun if I actually stumble upon the correct secret word.
• 1:04:39
  Well, same.
• 1:04:40
  Okay.
• 1:04:41
  I'll guess first because you guessed first last week.
• 1:04:43
  Okay.
• 1:04:44
  The first guess I have for you is advocate.
• 1:04:47
  Nope.
• 1:04:47
  When did I say that?
• 1:04:48
  You said devil's advocate.
• 1:04:50
  Oh.
• 1:04:50
  Is the word devils?
• 1:04:52
  No.
• 1:04:54
  I wrote down beta.
• 1:04:56
  Nope.
• 1:04:59
  Underwear?
• 1:05:00
  Nope.
• 1:05:01
  And you know what's coming next.
• 1:05:02
  panties no it's not panties
• 1:05:06
  that's why decoy
• 1:05:08
  work
• 1:05:09
  damn it all
• 1:05:13
  yes yes yes
• 1:05:15
  point for jenna oh i'm having more fun now
• 1:05:17
  well then i have no there's no reason i shouldn't
• 1:05:20
  give you my last two guys yeah you might as well
• 1:05:21
  dumpster nope
• 1:05:22
  power
• 1:05:24
  new all right well that was it good for you
• 1:05:27
  dumpster power
• 1:05:29
  that sounds like a fun
• 1:05:31
  everything that still has quality comes out of the dumpster yes uh no i'm i well i was worried
• 1:05:37
  about this one because uh this was a hard one to sneak in my secret word was filibuster
• 1:05:45
  i'm mad at myself i feel like i should have got that yeah or that should have dinged my radar
• 1:05:55
  yeah well i'm glad i was able to slip it in without you noticing and i felt like you didn't
• 1:06:01
  notice because i don't you didn't look at me weird which you normally do when you're like
• 1:06:04
  writing something suspicious down good for you happy for you doll thank you all right now let's
• 1:06:11
  go to my list of wait there go on what nothing no what i was gonna ask for a d-curver but i
• 1:06:20
  You guessed it.
• 1:06:21
  I know what it is.
• 1:06:22
  It's panty.
• 1:06:23
  One single panty.
• 1:06:25
  Shit.
• 1:06:27
  All right.
• 1:06:30
  Is your word launder?
• 1:06:33
  No.
• 1:06:35
  Benefits?
• 1:06:36
  No.
• 1:06:38
  Rabble?
• 1:06:40
  No.
• 1:06:44
  Deadly?
• 1:06:47
  Slothful?
• 1:06:48
  No.
• 1:06:50
  Magnum.
• 1:06:54
  No.
• 1:06:56
  Titanic.
• 1:06:57
  Francis says that word all the time.
• 1:06:59
  No.
• 1:07:00
  Yes, did you?
• 1:07:01
  No to you.
• 1:07:03
  Vice.
• 1:07:04
  No.
• 1:07:05
  Shed.
• 1:07:07
  No.
• 1:07:08
  Norway.
• 1:07:09
  No.
• 1:07:12
  Nominated.
• 1:07:13
  No.
• 1:07:15
  Pork chops.
• 1:07:18
  No.
• 1:07:19
  I wish it was.
• 1:07:20
  that's all I got my word
• 1:07:21
  AIDS
• 1:07:22
  you equals you
• 1:07:24
  my word was butts
• 1:07:27
  butts
• 1:07:28
  wow I got panty and you got butts
• 1:07:31
  what about that huh wait when did you say
• 1:07:34
  I said there's probably like
• 1:07:35
  buying out there in the world
• 1:07:37
  wow
• 1:07:38
  I would never
• 1:07:40
  I would never think of that as a secret word I feel like
• 1:07:43
  we talk about butts all the time
• 1:07:45
  we do we do okay I almost didn't even
• 1:07:48
  clock it just because that just sounds like
• 1:07:49
  something you would say it is something i would say wow and my decoy word was mosquitoes
• 1:07:55
  no really yeah and there just happened to be mosquitoes floating around yeah yep in fact for
• 1:08:03
  a second when i was looking at the card i thought it was francis's word and i was like oh jenna you
• 1:08:07
  lucky bastard you got to just say mosquitoes yeah oh i said it a lot wow yeah yeah wow two totally
• 1:08:17
  natural words that just like
• 1:08:19
  worked out.
• 1:08:20
  I should get a half point for actually killing the mosquito in the room.
• 1:08:24
  Yeah.
• 1:08:25
  Did you?
• 1:08:27
  Why do you think I slapped the...
• 1:08:28
  I know you slapped it, but did you kill it?
• 1:08:30
  Mosquitos are famously slow moving.
• 1:08:34
  Podcasts where
• 1:08:35
  friends talk about mosquitoes, butts
• 1:08:37
  and bras.
• 1:08:38
  The big three. Mosquito, butts and bras.
• 1:08:41
  Jenna, congratulations. I'm happy that you got that point.
• 1:08:43
  Thank you. I needed it. I needed to make up
• 1:08:45
  a little ground. I think you passed
• 1:08:47
  me again after the last
• 1:08:49
  couple weeks. This little tango we do.
• 1:08:52
  Well, yeah.
• 1:08:53
  All right. Well, until next time.
• 1:08:55
  Until next time. Bye.