Latest / Harder Than Life / How to Break Free From the Prison of Your Past

Transcript

How to Break Free From the Prison of Your Past · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 0:37
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:53
  How to Life Nation, welcome back. Today's episode is different. This isn't just another show. It's dedicated to one of you who messaged me. A loyal listener had the courage to DM me on Instagram and ask, how can trauma become your greatest triumph? And before I get started, I want you guys to know that I have probably recorded similar episodes recently.
• 1:17
  But when someone reaches out, when a loyal listener reaches out and asks me to specifically answer something, I'm going to do it. Because I literally started the Heart of Life Movement, started this podcast, wrote these books for all of you, and to make a difference. So I know that there is at least one of you, but this came from several of you that asked me to...
• 1:38
  give my thoughts on this. So this question specifically stopped me in my tracks because the truth is every single one of us has scars from something. Some are visible, but most are invisible. And while the world tells you those scars are weaknesses, I'm here to tell you they're proof you survived and they're proof you can survive. Let me remind you,
• 2:07
  You are batting 1,000. You have made it through each and everything that came to destroy you, end you, make you go down, divert you to a different path, but yet here you are, listen to the Heart of Life show, trying to make yourself better, and believe me, you are. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search for Meaning said, when we are no longer able to change a situation,
• 2:35
  We are challenged to change ourselves. That's what this episode is about. You know that the very first book that I ever read that was pseudo self-help or personal development was Man's Search for Meaning. It was given to me by my uncle. I don't think I've ever really talked about this. Sorry to divert for just a second, but my father died years and years ago from alcohol and alcohol.
• 2:58
  and drug use. And his brother, my uncle, stepped in and tried to take his place and did a really great job of it. And he knew I loved to read. I was a learner and all. He also knew that I drank and partied too much, but he just loved me anyways.
• 3:14
  And he gave me this book and I read it. And I didn't really understand what it was all about until years later when I read it again and then started down this hard and like movement. And man, oh man, if you have not read that book, read it. Man's Search for Meaning, it is a timeless,
• 3:30
  And then you can continue on Viktor Frankl's next book, The Outwitting the Devil. That was a good one too. So I digress, back to the show. We're gonna go deep, my story, the stories of people you know like Oprah, my man Eminem, The Rock, JK Rowling, Michael Jordan, Nelson Mandela, all people,
• 3:51
  who turned their deepest pain into unstoppable power. And I'll sprinkle in a couple of my personal stories that may or may not have been in the Harder Than Life and Happier Than Life book, both available on Amazon. So if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought, why me, stick with me. By the end of this episode, you'll be asking, why not me, let's dive in. My first trauma came in a flash.
• 4:19
  a backhand for my mother for no reason whatsoever. She didn't like something and I was the outlet. That wasn't the last time either. I grew up in chaos. My house wasn't a home. It was a battlefield. I learned early on that love was conditional and safety was a fantasy. I armored up.
• 4:42
  I built muscle not just in the gym, but in my heart. I carried that into every relationship, every business deal, every night out. Deep down, I believed I don't matter. And I still battle with that today. Here's the kicker. When you grow up in trauma, you don't just survive it.
• 5:08
  you start repeating it. You've heard me say this a million times. What we don't repair, we repeat. And life sends you that lesson until you learn it. You become addicted to the chaos because it feels familiar. The familiar misery. You sabotage yourself because you think that's all you deserve. And if you're looking at me saying, nah, Kelly, you're wrong. I'm talking straight to you. My man Eminem knows this story.
• 5:38
  He grew up just a few miles from me in Detroit. Abused, bullied, abandoned. Yet he took that pain and poured it into rhymes that the whole world sings today. He said, the truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed. That ride gave him his fire. Brene Brown.
• 6:01
  said, when we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending. I was stuck in denial for years. My story defined me, but eventually I had to choose to write a different ending. And I'm writing it right now, right in front of all of you, and sharing it, modeling, embodying,
• 6:29
  inspiring what it means to be harder than life and how to turn toughest trauma into triumph. Nobody said this was going to be easy, guys. There are still moments, despite all the work that I do on myself, that I have doubts, that I think about quitting, that I think I don't matter, but I do have the habits and rituals and the coaches and friends to help me get through anything.
• 6:52
  And that's why I'm here giving you this show. If nothing else, I can always turn on a podcast and get some meaning to the craziness, chaos that's in my head. So there was a turning point. The turning point came when I stopped pointing fingers and started pointing the thumb right back at me. Guys, if you're driving in your car, wherever you're at right now, I want you to point your finger out and look and see one finger pointing away.
• 7:19
  three pointing right back at you, and then turn and angle your thumb back up. If you're watching it on YouTube, you just saw me do it.
• 7:25
  Hey, it's their fault. No, there's three fingers pointing right back at you. And this is the guy that's going to fix it. Like the Fonz, man. Hey, I'm cool. So I realized everything in my life, the drama, the broken relationships, the self-destruction, all of the chaos, everything was a direct result of choices I had made. That's that radical honesty. And it was a gut punch.
• 7:55
  But it was also the most liberating moment of my life. Because the second I took responsibility, I took my power back. And I knew that things could change, which meant things could get better. And more than likely, if I stuck with it, they would get better. And guess what? I was right. Tony Robbins says,
• 8:19
  Life is happening for you, not to you. That's not just motivational fluff, it's the truth. When I finally believed that, everything changed. That little mindset change changes everything, man. Right now, I'm in the middle of the grind. Our social media kind of tanked a little bit. The podcast numbers have been ups and downs. NTM, we're pivoting over into AI, so there's a couple pullback. It has been insane, but I know this is all...
• 8:49
  part of, let's just call it God's plan. That's what they mean by life is happening for you, not to you. If you change that mindset, it makes things easier. I use it as a little fun game whenever I'm pulling into a parking lot and it's packed. I was like, God's got my back and he's got a parking spot for me. And inevitably a parking spot appears. I know that's weird, it diverts, but it's true. Think about Oprah Winfrey.
• 9:12
  Born into poverty, molested as a child, told she was worthless. Yet she took radical responsibility for her life. She transformed trauma into one of the most powerful media platforms on earth. She said, turn your wounds into wisdom. And if you go back and watch Oprah's path, it was not always smooth sailing. And she started off one direction and ended up in a total difference. So progress over perfection. I did this. I'm doing this.
• 9:43
  And you can too. Here's my challenge to you. What chaos in your life right now is the result of your choices? My friends, be brutally honest. You should never lie to yourself. Never lie to your doctors. Never lie to your adult lawyers. And definitely not yourself.
• 10:00
  Write that thing down. Don't judge it. Don't excuse it. Just own it. Because ownership is the doorway to freedom. Let me be clear. This is not a Disney movie.
• 10:13
  where you take responsibility one day and everything magically gets better the next. Healing is hard. It's lifelong. I don't think anyone is ever fully healed. We keep growing. We keep working. We keep choosing. We should be a sponge and constantly taking in everything and adjusting.
• 10:37
  Again, back to that Oprah story to see how many different ways she reinvented herself. She used to be a smart TV talk show host. Not anymore. Now she's a billionaire. For me though, two battles were the hardest and they're the ones that changed everything.
• 10:56
  First, giving up alcohol. Generations before me used it to cope, to numb, to escape, to be cool, to have fun. Insert whatever here. I made the decision. The cycle ends right here, right now. Ends with me. It wasn't easy. But nothing is harder than staying the same.
• 11:16
  The second thing, learning how to receive love and support. Because let me say that again. Some of you are driving. Some of you might be working out. And you're like, what is he talking about? When I never received love and support,
• 11:31
  or support, or safety, I learned to not trust it. So for years when somebody said, dude, you're awesome, I didn't believe him. Or they said, many relationships, where the woman loved me, I love you, I didn't believe him. Now, I let it all in. And it's still uncomfortable, but I let it in. So it's easy to be the tough guy.
• 11:52
  to be the wall, to never show your emotions. But letting someone in, it felt impossible because trauma had convinced me I didn't deserve love. But that's where they talk about the vulnerability is a superpower. Ends up separating who should be in your life and who shouldn't. If you're vulnerable and you let somebody in and they use and abuse it, ooh, that's when you get the slice and dice and get them out of your life
• 12:19
  And where I said everything happens for you, not to you, that's a classic example. When I'll be doing another show about boundaries, which is a total another topic, once you freaking set those boundaries and anything below it, gone. Dwayne, the Rock Johnson knows pain. Before he was the Rock.
• 12:39
  He was a broke ex-football player living in his car. He battled depression so deep. He said, I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realize is that you're not alone. He rebuilt his life by doing hard work just like I had to. It's funny thing is just this morning, someone asked me for a comment on depression.
• 13:03
  The Rock's dramatic 60-pound transformation. He lost 60 pounds to look like for a role that he's coming up to play. And of course, the haters said, oh, he stopped the steroids or he started steroids. And truth is, I don't know if there's anybody more disciplined in the world. I'm sure he just used his millions to hire a trainer and actually do all the work and show
• 13:28
  That impossible only describes the degree of difficulty. That's some gangster stuff that I would do. And kudos to him. We should all work as hard as The Rock does.
• 13:42
  My friend, Ed Milad, says your past does not equal your future unless you decide to live there. Remember, yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. All we have is today. And it's a gift. So be present. The hardest work is breaking cycles. The hardest work is letting yourself be loved.
• 14:03
  The hardest work is getting up every day and choosing discipline over destruction. But it's worth it. Anything beats where I used to be. I was a prisoner in my own mind. And I will tell you, I have a speech coming out in honor of...
• 14:21
  America's 250th birthday about how life is the pursuit of living, the pursuit of freedom, and the pursuit of happiness. As it stands right now, the Bill of Rights says we have the inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I believe it's the pursuit of all three. The reason why I say that is we have to pursue living every single day.
• 14:42
  and I wasn't living, I was a prisoner in my mind. Perhaps you are too, that's why you're listening to this show, let's break you out of it. Here's the shift that changes everything. Adversity is not your curse, it's your weapon. Ooh.
• 15:00
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 15:28
  Man, I love doing these shows because I look down at my notes and it reminds me to be me. I'm going through all kinds of adversity right now and I just keep trudging forward. So remember, I do practice what I preach, people. If you had a camera on me 24 hours a day, you would see I do every single thing that I'm sharing with you here today. Because I want to leave a mark in this world and I want to live happier than life.
• 15:53
  Another Viktor Frankl quote who endured the worst concentration camp setups ever said, in some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning. Some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.
• 16:12
  Wow. I just flew down to Florida to do a speaking engagement, and I sat next to a beautiful human being who insisted on chatting with me, and I was a little tired, but I could tell she wanted to talk. This beautiful soul had stage four cancer. She's terminal, and I got to ask her a million questions. And I asked, the first two questions was, do you have any regrets?
• 16:38
  And she said, I regret not getting tested sooner, but as far as living my life, no. And then I said, is there anything that you have left that you would have liked to have done? And she said she wants to travel more. So I made her make me a promise to travel more. But I say that because here she's got terminal cancer and she's supposed to be suffering and she was living her life.
• 16:59
  for her family, for her spouse, and it put life in perspective for me. I'll be 50 soon. This beautiful lady was 58, and she wasn't suffering at all. She was living her life. Footnote is we all have an expiration date, and we don't know when it is. So live your life. So please listen to this show. Please adopt some of it. And I want you to know that for me, all of this...
• 17:29
  The meaning was that I matter. My childhood tried to teach me that I didn't. So my why is to spend the rest of my life providing the opposite to myself, to my daughter, and to all of you. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. That trauma, he said it lit a fire that never burned out. I've failed over and over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.
• 17:58
  Thanks, Michael. J.K. Rowling was a single mom on welfare rejected by 12 publishers. Nearly homeless, she said, rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life. Dr. Martin Luther King said, out of the mountain of despair, a stone of hope. That's what trauma is. A mountain of despair.
• 18:22
  But inside it, stones of hope. Stop asking, why me? Start asking, what now? What is this trying to teach me? What can I do to overcome and take one step forward continuously? Your pain can either keep you small or launch you into your calling. Come all this way nearly 20 minutes into this, and now we'll get you into the framework, the daily steps.
• 18:51
  Let's get practical, inspirational, without action. This is just entertainment and I'm not here to entertain anybody. Although I kind of entertain myself, I think I'm funny. Here are three non-negotiables I practice daily. Do these and you'll start turning trauma into triumph. Step one.
• 19:10
  Sweat daily. Trauma lives in the body. Exercise is medicine. Studies from Harvard show that consistent workouts rewire your brain against depression and PTSD. Good grief, I know I've been through enough PTSD. I used to hide under the bed or under my blankets when my stepfather used to come home drunk. Hopefully he would leave me alone. And some nights he would.
• 19:36
  But when he would find me, I was scared. That was traumatic. So step two.
• 19:43
  Meditate. Harvard also found meditation literally reshapes your brain, shrinking the stress center and strengthening focus and calm. I think I said it on this one, I've recorded several shows today, but if you email me kelly at heartandlife.com or hit me up on Instagram, I'll send you a free 30 day call map. I don't get paid by them. It's just a 30 day trial. I use them every day. I'm not trying to make money off of this guys, I'm just trying to pay it forward.
• 20:10
  So sweat daily, meditate. Number three is journal. Neuroscientists prove that writing down the thoughts lowers stress and builds clarity. For me, it just gets that stinking thinking out of my head and stops me ruminated on it.
• 20:26
  And a bonus stack, eat clean, hydrate, read, listen to positive podcasts, and never stop being alert at all. All of these plus more are in my happier than life book that you can order on Amazon. It's available even in Audible if you'd like.
• 20:43
  James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, said, you do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Look at The Rock. He's in the gym at 4 a.m. Kobe Bryant's mama mentality was rooted in daily practice. These aren't hacks. They're disciplines. And discipline is the bridge from pain to power. If you've been watching me at any at all, you know I wake up at 3.59.
• 21:09
  Every single day. And I go to bed religiously between 8.30 and 9. Get my seven hours and I practice what I preach. So here's your call to action, Heart of the Life Nation. Trauma doesn't define you. Your response to it does. I was once a kid who took a backhand from his mom and believed it didn't matter. Now I'm a man who knows I do and so do you. I laugh about my backhands from my mom because...
• 21:37
  They happen so often and you just learn to duck. And yeah, different times now, man, different times. You young kids listen to me, there was a time where violence was very commonplace. So be very grateful that you don't have to deal with that. Pain is not your prison, it's your passport, it's your weapon, it's your wake up call. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison. He came out not bitter, but better.
• 22:07
  and became president of South Africa. He said, I never lose. I either win or learn. Maya Angelou said, I can be changed by what happens to me.
• 22:21
  But I refuse to be reduced by it. So here's your challenge. For the next seven days, sweat, meditate, and journal. Just those three things. DM me your wins, your struggles, your breakthroughs. I love hearing your stories. I love hearing your wins. And if this episode spoke to you, share it.
• 22:43
  Send it to a friend. Post a clip. Tag me. You never know who needs to hear this today. Remember, excuses don't get results. Work does and work works. You matter. Your story matters. And your trauma can become your greatest triumph. Until next time, my friends.
• 23:07
  Be harder than life. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Seagull supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.