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Unlocking Harmony: Transforming Arguments into Solutions With Melinda Lee · Speak In Flow

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  Melinda Lee: Welcome, dear listeners to speak in flow
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  podcast episode. Today we're going to dive into a topic that
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  I believe all of us can resonate with you. Me, I know, I
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  certainly have dealt with this before, it is how to stop having
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  the same argument. I know that I've been in relationships where
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  we continue to talk and argue about the same issue and it
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  becomes a pattern that is tiring and energy draining. And so
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  we're going to dive into some clear strategies on how to
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  navigate this. And so before we dive into that, let's talk about
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  what is really happening. When we are in the same argument over
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  and over and over again, it's because our knees are not
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  getting met. And then we start to speak louder, in hopes that
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  the other person really hears our need. And then the other
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  person will also rebuttal and become defensive thinking that
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  we are, they are trying to meet your need when they're not, and
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  then you scream, and then they are start to argue and they
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  start to scream or speak loudly. And then all of a sudden you
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  find yourself in this argument, and nobody's listening to each
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  other, nobody is hearing each other truly hearing each other.
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  And then you end up wasting so much time, so much energy. And
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  then what I've done in the past is that I end up avoiding the
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  conversations at all. So we want to stop that today. And here are
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  the four things that you need to do to stop that. The first is
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  find the problem, find the issue. The second is move
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  through emotion. The third is meet their needs. The fourth is
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  gain commitment. The first is find the problem. You know the
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  the problem and the knee, what you're talking about is not
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  actually the problem, what you're arguing about is not the
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  problem. It's not about oh, the tasks not being met the
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  expectations, you didn't replace the toilet paper, or you didn't
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  turn in the paper on time you didn't clean up the room, you
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  didn't double check your work, that the issue that you're
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  arguing about is actually not the issue, especially if it
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  keeps coming up over and over again, and the other person is
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  rippling, you're both arguing about something that is really
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  not the issue. So I encourage you to dig deeper about what is
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  truly the issue. To do that, you first have to go into
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  understanding that's not the issue. Second, then move through
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  the emotion. Ask the person how does this make you feel, the
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  person's gonna say I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed,
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  I'm concerned to really get curious about whatever they're
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  talking about how that makes them feel. The reason why is
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  because then you're opening up safety, then you're letting them
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  know that I do want to hear you out, I do want to hear how this
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  making you feel. And then what you're going to find out is
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  there is an unmet need. So now we're in the third step of the
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  process. Once you know that you want to get deep deeper that the
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  problem that you're talking about is not the issue. Second,
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  you understand the emotion listen for the emotion that is
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  creating then go into the unmet needs. So according to Rosenberg
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  and nonviolent communication, there is generally nine I'm
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  going to discuss five today that is really key and prominent in
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  human behaviour, I call them the ABCs and love. So when any of
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  these needs are not being met, that means people are going to
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  start spewing out things complaining and then you start
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  arguing and being defensive. So I really want you to ask the
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  person what need is not being met? Is it a the need for
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  acknowledgement be the need for belonging, see, creativity?
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  Safety and love. So any of these needs are not being met, you've
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  really gotten like, go there. Like ask them which one of these
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  needs are not being met. It can be creativity, their need for
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  autonomy is being broken. That is why they're complaining. It's
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  not about the actual argument or the position. They're actually
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  just saying my need for autonomy is being taken away from me. My
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  need of belonging is being taken away from me. So now you really
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  have dug deeper into what is the true issue. Then you can gain
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  commitment you can say if I help meet your need, can you help me
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  mind? Game commitment together talk about how you can both meet
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  each other's true deepest need is not about the position. It's
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  not about the original argument. So I encourage you to go
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  underneath the feelings, to find the need, and then to gain
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  commitment. And those are the steps that you can take to stop
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  having the same argument over and over again, you will find so
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  much freedom you will find that you can speak in an authentic,
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  direct way toward gaining commitment to your deepest
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  needs, underneath the emotions that are happening in a way that
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  are respectful to each other in a way that builds more genuine
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  relationships in a way that helps make positive impact. So I
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  hope you take these tips today. Until we meet again on the next
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  episode I am your sister and speaking in flow. When you speak
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  in flow, you open up more opportunities for ease for love
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  for abundance. Until next time, take care