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The Mentor Sessions | Forty-Eight Hours That Rewired How I Love · The Mentor Sessions

• BigMike: Alright, welcome everybody back to the Mentor Sessions Podcast. I'm your host, Big Mike. Today I am with ⁓ Dan Cohen, who wrote a very fascinating book and has a very fascinating story to tell about ⁓ his relationship with his father, ⁓ anyone who's been touched by dementia Alzheimer knows just how hard it is to watch someone BigMike Coyle: None of us become who we're meant to be alone. Every story has people who helped write it. So let's talk about them. Welcome to the Mentor Sessions. BigMike: suffer in that ⁓ in that space. and it's just so sad. My wife's grandmother had Alzheimer and ⁓ watching her slowly, slowly, slowly ⁓ deteriorate mentally and the toll it took on her and it toll the the toll it took on the family. So Dan, welcome to the show and ⁓ why don't you go ahead and tell us your story. Dan: call you Mike or big Mike. That's the first thing. BigMike: just don't call me late for dinner. Dan: Well thank you. I really appreciate the ⁓ opportunity to be here. And the the mentor sessions is very appropriate because my father was my mentor in life. And he I think it's important to understand who he was to me and then you can understand my story. So my father was a very big presence in my life growing up, ⁓ until he started to fade away from dementia. He was a a big personality. He exuded love. He was demonstratively loving. ⁓ he was a street guy, but very smart in that respect. So he built a business big business without ever having to go to college. He was my confidant, my problem solver, probably my best friend. So it was a very big present in my life. And interestingly enough, ⁓ so I wrote a book called Awakenings in Real Life, and we'll get to that into a minute. But the last chapter in my book, I say, Who is your one? And maybe it's another name for mentor or hero, but to me it's slightly different. And I think that everybody in life should have that one person. Who A loves you unconditionally, but B has no ego when it comes to you, wants you to succeed and have more success than you ever have. It could be a mentor, it could be a hero. but my father was that person for me, and I don't think there's a statute of limitations on it. So I don't think when you become an adult it means you still don't have that person in your life. So he played that role. Did did you Does someone play that role in your life, Mike? BigMike: ⁓ yeah. ⁓ yeah, certainly. And my dad in in a lot of respects played that role for me as well. I I have some fond memories and I actually ⁓ spoke about ⁓ on a short recently since we just celebrated Father's Day where ⁓ recently my my dad and I went out ⁓ to lunch to celebrate Father's Day and we were talking about ⁓ you know the he out here in Idaho we have ⁓ Dan: Right. BigMike: Montana has the title, but we too have what's called Big Sky Country, where you could just look up to the heavens and see stars for days and days and days. And when I was growing up we had a a little ⁓ five acre plot of land that my dad and I w just standing out there with him, and watching those stars and and just looking at the the vastness of of the space. ⁓ years later, once I had my kids and I'd moved out, we took a family vacation where all of my siblings and my parents and I we got together outside ⁓ Yellowstone at a park called Red Lodge, Montana. And ⁓ I think it was the first night. Once night hit, Dad and I went running outside to see the to the see the sky. ⁓ and that's That's one of few favorite s stories I have about my father. How about you? What's a what's a moment from your childhood that can really help drive home the closeness and the relationship you had with your dad? Dan: Yeah, you know, he was he was always there for me, always ⁓ a problem solver. I'll tell you a v very quick story. So I played Little League Baseball in those days. And ⁓ I don't know what it is. Today, they allow the fathers to coach the kids. I think it's the worst thing that ever happens because they typically favor the kids. But when I was younger, the fathers had to coach a different team. So I was a pitcher on the Little League. I don't know why this story's comes to me. And ⁓ I threw a pitch, guy hits a home run. I'll tell you a v very quick story. So I played Little League Baseball in those days. And I don't what it is. Today, they allow the fathers to the kids. I think it's the worst thing that ever happens because they typically favor the kids. But when I was younger, the fathers had to coach a different team. So I was a pitcher on the Little League. I threw a pitch, guy hits a home run. Throw the next pitch, boom, hits a home run. I decide I've had had enough. I throw down my glove. I start walking off the man and I hear from the bleachers. Danny Cohen, if you know what's good for you, get back on that mound. Throw the next pitch, boom, hits a home run. I decide I've had had enough. I throw down my glove. I start walking off the man and I hear from the bleachers. Danny Cohen, if you know what's good for you, you'll get back on that mound. Very funny. But this was the same guy that saved the first my first win and my no-hitter. So he was he was very special guy and it's interesting. I I meet people years later. That have it from the neighborhood, right? And they say, ⁓ I had your father as a little league coach. I loved him so much. So that's just a funny story about the type of guy he was. But he was very involved, and I call him the world's greatest problem solver because ⁓ he seemed to be able to solve every problem we had. And ⁓ BigMike: I I've got to interrupt 'cause your story just reminded me about my dad. ⁓ I played football in high school and ⁓ football is a big part of our relationship. We love to just sit and watch football together. My fondest memories watching football were when it was me, my dad and my grandfather. there are some Monday night football games that just they're they're just core memories that kinda help bring me to a happy time in my life and and stuff but My dad, ⁓ kinda like yours had a very distinctive voice. And it didn't matter where I was out on the field, how how packed the f this the field was and the bleachers, I could always pick out his voice cheering us on and and screaming for us. and man, if that's not a way to keep you motivated and keep you going is is hearing that voice and and knowing that he's there. We went to a road game one time I Dan: Yeah. It's true. Yeah. BigMike: I'll I'll just finish with this. We went to a road game one time. and it was our game was during the middle of the the work day and ⁓ I looked over at the bleachers and and dad was right there. He took off work ⁓ so that he could come and support and watch and yeah, it was it was great man. I I I I really yeah, great memories, great memories. Dan: It's interesting you bring up football because we live in the I live in the New York area. My father was a diehard New York Jets fan. So or should I say a long-suffering Jets fan because all right, we won the Super Bowl. ⁓ I was a young kid, but you know, it's been how many years they haven't won. But he they used to practice in Long Island, now they're in Jersey and we long island. He used to go to the practices. That's how inwards. I'll tell you another quick story about my father. So they had a so my son and I went, ⁓ and my son's a big Jets fan, and I'm a big Jets fan, and and ⁓ we went and they had a birthday. Club, right? And supposedly you get a a birthday card or something, or you get a package from your favorite player. And my father loved Wayne Cravette. And this this part of it has to do, you'll see, with the awakening, too, was very undersized receiver who made it against all odds. And and he was smaller, but he he ended up having a great, great career. So my son signs up that he's gonna get a package on his birthday. So and his birthday's in March. So he's waiting and waiting and waiting. March comes, nothing. We don't get anything from the Jets. Or we just get a generic birthday card. So my son is so disappointed. So I call up my father to tell the story. A week later, we get an autograph jersey from Wayne Corbett. We get a ⁓ an autograph picture from Wayne Correct. He gets a personalized birthday card from Wayne Corbett. He called the Jets my father, and and lo and behold, he made his grandson very happy. So that's the type of guy he was. BigMike: Man, that that's so that's so awesome. That's so awesome. I think we can go on ⁓ with stories about these all day back and forth. ⁓ and let me just end with this one and and then let's start getting into the the awakenings and and and that story. ⁓ my my my dad is a diehard excuse me. My dad is a diehard Denver Broncos fan. And ⁓ Dan: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sure. BigMike: I mean my whole life and and that's the way I rebelled as a young man is I went to I I went to the Oakland Raiders and the Los Angeles Raiders actually ⁓ you know, I I became a Raiders fan to to rebel against dad. ⁓ but ⁓ my anyhow, back to the original point of the story. ⁓ we went to A few years ago my nephews and my son they all pitched in and they arranged it with my brother who who lives out in the Denver area and ⁓ my ⁓ brother in law and they surprised my dad and I with ⁓ Denver Bronco tickets and we got an Airbnb out there and we spent a weekend together and went to a game together. Well, ⁓ My brother's also he's he's an active duty law enforcement and he worked at the school where Ed McCaffrey was the football coach. ⁓ so he he arranged for we were up in the bleachers, he saw Ed up there with the football team and he's like, Hey, let's go talk to Ed and Ed came over and spent about five or ten minutes with my dad and ⁓ took pictures, shook his hand, they talked about, you know, those days and Dan: Mm-hmm. BigMike: You know, that was before Christian McCaffrey ca was coming up. He was still in college. But man, what a what a great opportunity to you know, when we get to see our dad's face light up like that, like we do as a boy, that that stole that stole the show right there. You know, that was just so powerful. Dan: Right. What a play. Yeah, one of the last memories. My father had a stroke that led his dementia, but Not shortly before his stroke, we went to a Jets game together. And I have a I actually have a picture of it in the game. Before I tell you the story, my fun, my son, lifelong Jets fan, too, right? Married a woman, father from Detroit, diehard Lions fan. Now the Lions have been doing better than the Jets, right? So I have a relatively a one-year-old grandson, and I said to my son, Your son better be a die-hard Jets fan. He goes, Dad, I can't promise you that. He's either gonna be a Lions or a Jets fan. I said, Well, I may have to disown you if he becomes a Lions fan. So anyway, so that was a very big presence in in my life. And ⁓ we made a 75th birthday party for him, which was interesting, and he got to hear from my mother down to the youngest grandkids. We they all talked and shared how much they love my father but five months after that he had a stroke. Okay. And my brother's a doctor. He was walking into my brother's office at the time for a doctor's visit and they knew immediately he was having a stroke. One side of his face was drooping. Another sign of a stroke is they ask you to smile and you can't smile. He was bleeding in his brain. So within ten minutes they actually got him to a hospital, literally saved his life, and they stopped to bleed. And he ended up living another ⁓ eleven years and unfortunately the stroke led to dementia. So what I think is important you mentioned your grandmother had Alzheimer's and and a lot of people don't really or they think Alzheimer's and dementia are maybe two different things. Dementia is the symptoms for Alzheimer's and other conditions. So it's a it's a decline in in mental functioning ⁓ over a period of time and it runs in stages. It runs in seven stages. And in the beginning you can confuse it for age related things. They might not remember a name or something, but but over time it it really runs the gamut. ⁓ one of the first few things you learn you lose is short term memory, but But ⁓ it runs all the way to the gamut where because your brain affects a lot of your motor functions, towards the end, my father really couldn't walk and ⁓ he was incontinent and some other things. So ⁓ dementia can be caused a number of different ways. A blow to the head, like a like a stroke, certain illnesses can cause dementia. Alzheimer's, which most people know, is plaque in the brain. ⁓ and then there's vascular dementia, what people used to call senility, which is a hardening of the arteries. So my father ⁓ in two thousand and five had a stroke. ⁓ It led to dementia and it happened in stages. And and you're and you're right, it's you're watching someone that's fading away. It's almost like mourning someone who's living. And when they're a very big presence in your life. It's ⁓ it's very it's very difficult. but I try to do certain things before I tell you what happened in the awakening. So a lot of people, you know, they go to a neurologist, and you can go to a neurologist and say, what stage is my loved one in? Are they in four? Are they six? Are they in seven? And I never choose to do that. My family never chose to do that. We as a family knew where my Father was at. We didn't need anybody to tell us it's stage five or stage seven. I just thought it would give me more angst to know exactly where he was. It's up to the individual. If I ask people, I say, you know where your loved one is. And the interesting is you know better than the neurologist, because you're living with the person or seeing them more often. Sure. BigMike: So let me ask you real quick, were there any signs that ⁓ he was starting to to slip before the stroke? Dan: You know, that's a great qu that's a really great question. And it's so interesting that ⁓ when I was at the football game with him, which was a few months before, he was himself, you know, he really r but I for some reason I didn't think he was as sharp as he normally was. But my brother the doctor who and maybe to his dismay, so when my father had the stroke and started to show some, he like researched everything. I think he was tortured because he knew too much. But, you know, we're pretty much convinced that the stroke led to the dementia. I don't think there's anybody else in the family that had Alzheimer's or dementia. ⁓ I don't know if it would've happened anyway, you know. You when you're aging, you know, you you you s you're not as sharp and so we pretty much think it was from the dementia, but I did notice that that gain that he didn't seem quite as sharp as he was, and maybe it was an aging thing, but we really think it was the stroke that led to the dementia. BigMike: Yeah, that's interesting, you know, 'cause when we're in the moment it's hard to see if we're you know, we're it we're we're not focusing 'cause we're like, ⁓ it's just he's he's aging. But then when we get that ⁓ looking back in time hindsight, it's like, ⁓ wait, there were signs, you know, there were signs. My mom ⁓ my mom had a ⁓ was in a car accident, got a traumatic brain injury, ⁓ later in her life and ⁓ thank you. Dan: Right. I'm sorry. BigMike: And over time you could see and my mom was so quick, so witted, she was an attorney and so smart. But when you started seeing that slip, ⁓ you know, and it got to the point where she would say something and we'd have to be like, Mom, where are you right now? And she's like, Well, we're at Nana's house And she'd look around and she's like, Wait, this isn't Nana's house and we're No mom, you're at home And just watching that kinda going back and forth into the mindset. So that's why I asked, you know, if there were signs before Dan: Yeah. But it's interesting. So so one of the things that I tell people that I share and and maybe it it would it would app could have been applicable to your situation is and and is acceptance. and this can apply to someone with a brom traumatic brain injury, Alzheimer's dementia or other mental conditions, in that you gotta accept your person for where they're at. So especially since dementia runs in stages and it's a down the you know, so they'll maybe not Know where they are. They might ask you the same question 20 times, right? they might repeat the same thing over and over. And our natural tendency, you know, as human beings, is to challenge someone. ⁓ dad, I told you that already. Don't you remember you asked me the same thing or you s told me the same story? But it's not a rational decision. It's a part of their brain is not functioning well. So if you can ex- and and and ⁓ other thing you hear people say is. Wow, my loved one was so much better six months ago. Well, yeah, it's a downward, irreversible condition. And they're going to be worse six months later. If you can accept them who they are, that's number one. And two, you've got to give yourself some acceptance and grace because you're not always going to be perfect. But if you can accept them where they're at, right? It's going to be so much less frustrating for you in dealing with your loved one, right? Because you'll understand that. They're not repeating something or asking you something over and over to frustrate you. This is just how their mind is working. And if you give yourself a little grace too. ⁓ you're not gonna be perfect. There are times you're gonna get a little frustrated. But that's something I I try to recommend to people and and whether you even physical illness is a thing, it's really to accept your loved one where they're at. And and and I think that's an important thing. But I'll tell you something interesting, Mike. My mother who lived with my father every day, she was like the last one to catch on to his mental condition. She always felt he was more capable. than he was. ⁓ where where the children who didn't live with him every day, we recognized them more, and my brother the doctor more. And ⁓ when I started to think about it and I was speaking to people, they think she she was probably in denial. You know, she had this cave this this big personal man who's capable of so many things that she was the last to really get all the things he was going through. So I I found that very interesting as well. BigMike: Yeah, why do you think that is that she was the last to catch on? Do you think it was a denial thing? Dan: I think it was a denial thing. I think it was like he was he was a guy like growing up, if I had an issue in school, she'd say, Herbie, go take care of it or he was you know, I'd write a chapter in the book, The World's Greatest Problem Solver. And I just think she still viewed him like that way for a long time. I think maybe it was denial. Yeah, but it w it was so interesting to me that she who saw it more than anybody else It set in for her the latest. Maybe denial. Or maybe it was right that she didn't want to view him like that. So BigMike: Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ s I don't think we covered this. What kind of work did your dad do grow as you were growing up w Dan: Yeah, so my father was a my father didn't go to college he was a businessman. He was a salesman, you know. I like to say one of the great world's greatest salesmen. He was a great closer. He had the great gift for Gab. He proudly kept his best salesman trophy from standard uniform. You said you got into uniforms, right? At one point. He ⁓ and then he went into business with a brother of his. They sold maintenance chemicals and lighting over the phone. So I like to say that my father, in a sense, revolutionized. BigMike: Yeah. Dan: Telemarketing because he took products that were typically sold door to door and figured out a way to sell them over the phone. And he built a very nice company in the late 70s, early 80s. Very innovative. He was he knew how to pitch, he knew how to close. so and I think that had to do with his street smarts. So he he built a very successful company. Now a lot, well, now it's a whole different world, but in those days, you didn't sell those. chemicals or lights. It was always door to door and ⁓ they were very innovative. BigMike: Yeah. ⁓ did so did he grow up and and you did you grow up like in the the New York City area or? Dan: Yeah, so we grew up in ⁓ Brooklyn, New York. I don't know you can tell from my accent. We grew up in in ⁓ the Coney Island, Brighton Beach area of Brooklyn. ⁓ he grew up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is very hip now, but when when he grew up it wasn't so hip. ⁓ he was the youngest of three older brothers. And it was a different generation. These guys are much tougher than my generation. They really could handle themselves if they needed to. And my father had gotten into some street fights, some famous stories I share in the book. Two, he was an undefeated boxer in the army. He was 26-0. ⁓ Yeah, so we have some classic stories of my father in the book. ⁓ Which we get through the story and you want to hear some. He was just See he was like he was a protector of his friends. He he if someone messed with him, he was the guy that stepped in. So BigMike: So so you mentioned your mom was the last one to catch on and and ⁓ I think basically accept it. ⁓ what was that impact like when when you guys as the as the children saw that mom was starting to accept what was going on? How did that Dan: Yeah. BigMike: The weight of that whole situation hit. Dan: Well you know, well she you know, when she started to really accept who it was, then you know, then ⁓ the sadness on her end set in, you know, so we had to make sure that We we 'cause she was twenty four seven with him. At a certain point as he really got bad, we brought in help and we actually brought in help in the house. But what I try to do is the other thing I share with people is inclusion. ⁓ while your person is still around on this life, include them in activities. And you'll see when I tell you about the awakening story why that was so important. But I would come and I lived about two hours away at least once. Once a week, sometimes more. And I always took them to a movie and lunch. Now my mother loved movies. And my father loved movies, but at a certain point what really goes is short-term memory. So I knew five minutes after leaving the theater he wouldn't remember. But it didn't matter because sometimes in the movie ⁓ especially if it was a sad movie, you'd see the tears in his eyes. So that was so he was present there. I wrote an article before the awakening, I wrote, I wish I could flip a switch and wake up my father. I know he's still in there. And I just felt that his presence was there, you know. Also you you you you talk less and less, you're less verbal. ⁓ I had a feeling he was there, and then we had this remarkable two-day awakening where he showed me he was there. But when the art ⁓ wrote the article, we didn't know. So I try to always in include him in situations. ⁓ but I'll I'll tell you a situation where where my Mother was going to a 90th party for her aunt, and she said to me and my brother and sister, I'm the middle child, you gotta come and stay overnight with dad. So we all did. And then the next time we got together, we said, What did you do with dad? And I said, ⁓ I took him to a movie. And then my brother said, ⁓ we took him to a movie too. And my sister, we look at it, she goes, Yeah, we took him to a movie too. What movie did you take him to? So at the so I said, ⁓ I took him to Argo that was the Ben Affleck hit at the time and my brother turned to us and goes, ⁓ we took him to Argo too And my we look at my sister goes, Yup, we took him to Argo too. And we were all hysterical. Okay? And I'm sure my father was happy to be with his children tonight, tonight. And he didn't remember from day to day. And we thought it was the funniest thing. Can I tell you something, Mike? When I drove home that night, I actually cried. I was so sad. We really were not accepting my father. If we were accepting him for where he was at, we would have taken him to three different movies, even if he didn't remember. Because he deserved to go to three different movies. That's what I talk about, acceptance and inclusion. But ⁓ you know, we wanted to keep my mother active in things too, because it's not easy being home with someone like that, especially, you know, ⁓ with such a but I was very proud of her because my father growing up was the Not that my mother wasn't strong, but he was the problem solver. You know, he was the guy who took care of things, you know. She was the college educator, she was the teacher, you know. So they complimented each other. She knew the importance of education for her children and he was a street smart guy, but she didn't grow up in a demonstratively loving home. He didn't either. But as I share in the book, ⁓ he had therapy as a very young age, at twenty years old, and and and because of that he became very loving. So that ru loved off on my mother. But it was you know, it's important not to forget the caregiver too. It's very easy to focus solely on the person who's going through the situation but you gotta it's it had to be the most difficult for her as well. So you have to keep them busy too and you you can't forget them too. Although ⁓ more of your focus is the one who's sick, you gotta you gotta include them as well. BigMike: Yeah, you know that that's interesting you say that because ⁓ that's something as my mom was ⁓ struggling going downhill as she ate as ⁓ her her mental her physical health was taking a toll on her. You saw the the toll it was taking on my dad as the caretaker and it it's hard and ⁓ i it it's kind of interesting. I I wanna note that like after mom passed, you saw because he ⁓ dad took probably like your mom did as well You spend so much time as the caretaker that you neglect your personal health and stuff. and but we saw dad rejuvenate and and his personal health and stuff like that. And so that's why I I agree with you one hundred percent. It's important for those that are able to step up and help to help give that caregiver that space. Like I was talking about before we started, my my wife's grandmother Dan: Yeah. BigMike: ⁓ also had dementia and she was living with my in-laws and my my mother-in-law was the primary caretaker. So when my wife and I would love taking her out to dinner and she was such a sweet lady and so those moments where you talk about how important it is to include them and and be there with them. And even though that I didn't know her before she got sick. In fact I I'll tell you a funny story. ⁓ we were all going to a Disney on Ice show after Thanksgiving. This is when ⁓ my wife and I were first ⁓ started dating. And my wife's grandmother goes ⁓ Marty, ⁓ she called me Marty for some reason. Are are you coming to the show with us? And I said I said, Yeah, grandma. I said, It's Mike And she goes, Well, you might as well we have an extra ticket You know. She thought I said it I might and she's like, Well, you might as well we have an extra ticket and you know, that that's a moment that we still love and it shows just how kind and how sweet she was. ⁓ Dan: Ha ha ha. Right. Yeah. BigMike: ⁓ as she was starting to get sick. So yeah, you great point. Don't forget the caregivers, you know. Dan: No, no, you can't forget the caregivers. And and it's again, ⁓ you know, your focus is on the one who's ill, but you can't forget the the caregivers too. So it's interesting that ⁓ when you have such a presence, what helped me is even at the towards the very end when my father was in the last stages, I'd go over and he would just kiss my hand. And that's he was there. That was the essence who he was, a loving man. And ⁓ that was enough for me at the time. So all right, let me tell you about the awakening, because it's it's it really solidified some of the things that I hoped for. So in two thousand and fifteen, he died eight months later. He was in the you know, without asking, he was really in the probably the last stages. So We were fortunate that he knew us for the most part. Okay, sometimes he didn't. There's lot of times They don't recognize their loved one. And I think that would have been the the hardest thing to do, even though I hear there's moments of recognition, but he still pretty much most of the time knew who he was. But he was incontinent, he was wearing it depends, he couldn't eat solid foods. You know, you forget how to chew, so it was pureeed foods, couldn't wash and bathe himself. ⁓ was basically nonverbal. You might get a word or two out of him if you addressed him specifically. When ⁓ Eventually we brought in in help and when when he was being shaved, my brother would often shave him or they would sponge bathe him. He'd cry out in pain. You know, I never heard my father cry out in pain. It's very hard to hear someone you love so much and he wasn't in pain. It was just that's how he was reacting to it. So the summer of two thousand fifteen he had two bouts of pneumonia. And the second bout of pneumonia was also hypertensive, so they they up, they gave him loads of steroids and antibiotics. And he was in the hospital. And I walk in the hospital to see my father, and he says, Hi, Danny. And I said, Hi, Dad. And he says, You know, I love you very much. And I said, I love you very much. Then he says, What happened to me? And I said, Well, you got pneumonia, you've been treated by by antibiotics, and then you're gonna go home soon. It was a conversation like by rote, you know? And then all of a sudden I said, This is not the man I just saw a few days ago. This this is very much like my dad. How could this be? So my brother, the doctor, also was associated with the hospital, so he was there a lot. If I had to put it in percentages, I would say he was about ninety percent himself. My brother says he he says I didn't put it in percentage because the bar was so low and he came back so high that he's answering every question correctly, that the hair stood up on the back of his head, my brother said. It was so amazing. So here's the interesting thing. So I used to think that nobody on the planet had the kind of relationship I had with my father. It was just you know So phenomenal, ⁓ we were so close. I always thought I had a similar personality to him. And I knew he loved my siblings, but I'm the guy. He's called me Dan the man and nobody has that relationship. So it's interesting. And I write a chapter in the book because I share other family stories. At the 75th birthday party I mentioned, and my brother and I have very different personalities. He gets up and he says, I want everybody to know I'm just like my father. And I said, how could that be? I'm just like my father. And we're very different. And then he explained they did. They looked more alike. They had ⁓ certain traits in in in person. He went on to share three stories of my father's impact on him growing up. So really showing his love. And then I spoke, and then my sister went. And there's a lot of men in the family. There was not a lot of girls or women. So my sister came along. I used to joke I'm the deprived middle child because they had an older boy, then I came, and then my sister came. So you look at our family pictures, you see my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, and my right airlope. So I 'cause and I actually have a picture like that in my book. So she said. Boy, all my friends love my father, because he just had that warm personality where people are drawn to him. And she says, How can you imagine being Herbie's little girl? And then she sung a song to him. And I walked away from that party saying, No, they feel exactly the same way about him as I do. He had that ability to make all his children and his wife and other people feel very special. So I write in the book that story and a lot of and I call it perspectives, because besides the awakening story, I put other stories, I call it mini awakenings, and I said, that was a really you look everybody looks at their life through their own lens, right? And if you could see other people's perspectives, I think you can really be more empathetic, more understanding. You know, we certainly could use that. politics in this country, people are so dug in. So it was an interesting thing for me. So when my father had this awakening, right, and my father says to him, I'm happy to have a son like you My brother describes it as one of the most seminal mo moments of his life. This man who had such an impact in his life telling him he's happy to have a son like him. And it's interesting, my father, I told you growing up was the problem solver role. My brother when he became a doctor, he took on that role, certainly with the family, whatever the medical issues was. But he also, you know, I was divorced and between my father and my brother they were really the ones that helped me ⁓ get through it. And despite that for the fact that my brother took on that kind of role in the family, my father was still the guy he turned to when he needed help in any situation or looked for advice. So it was remarkable that this man that we hadn't seen really for ten years seemed to be himself. so we really experienced, Mike, some interesting things over those two days. So I'd like to share that with you and your audience. BigMike: Yeah, I'm s I am so enthralled in this story 'cause it it's so power like Danny, I'm I'm I'm having a hard time holding back ⁓ my emotions and feelings thinking about ⁓ you know, you're talking about the role people feel in in their family and like you, I'm I'm a middle child and ⁓ yeah, we kind of fall in that that gap a little bit. But ⁓ Dan: ⁓ BigMike: And but then we all ti No, go ahead, what was that? Dan: I blame my mother for Yeah, God, I'm sorry. I said I tongue in cheek blame my mother for anything. My brother's a good eater, my sister's a good eater, I'm a pick eater. I said, Well, I'm the deprived middle child. She fed my brother and sister. Great story. My father loved steak, okay? Big meat and potatoes, okay? My mother didn't really sell. So the best I learned the best meat on the the the steak is the meat on the bone, right? So I couldn't understand when she would make steak, right? My father would eat the meat on the bone, and my brother would eat the meat on BigMike: ⁓ yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Dan: meat on the bone and they give me the heart of the steak because you know, they forgot about me. So so BigMike: Yeah. Yeah, you know, you were talking about the roles and my older sister, she she is like the family anchor. There's there's no other way to describe her. She's the one that really steps up and helps take care of everyone when we're in need. my younger brother, ⁓ he was and and I I hope he's watching this so he knows I still admit it that he was my mom's favorite. And my my youngest sister was a very talented gymnast and So I I sat in kind of that like ⁓ hey, hey, hey, what about me? But you know, I I know my my role in the family and as I've gotten older I'm more secure and that was I'm kind of the I think a good way to put it is the comfort zone. Like I I I was able to make people feel comfortable. and ⁓ you know, and I very my brother and I were both good at making each other making each other and making the family laugh. Dan: Right. Good. It's good. BigMike: We we played a very good ⁓ you know, just naturally, ⁓ Dean and Jerry type combo at times. And ⁓ Dan: Lot of people in your audience may not know Dean and Jerry, which would be sad. BigMike: Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what that's what Google's for. But ⁓ you know, it's it's interesting and and this is the point that I wanted to make is that we all kind of go to those roles naturally and then you talked about how your dad made everyone feel like they were the the favorite. They were the number one. ⁓ what a what a special man to be able to, you know, all three of you guys get up and are like, Yeah, he loved Dan: Right. Yeah. BigMike: I was so close to him and I was and and everybody say be able to say that. You know, that that's a very ⁓ loving and and giving person that everyone could say that. Dan: Right. Right. You know, there wasn't a conversation. He didn't end with I love you, I love you to pieces. So when all of a sudden he says, You know, I love you very much, it was like We go back into the national natural rhythm of your conversation, but we hadn't had a conversation like that in the longest time. Texas talk about the middle child. My brother went off to s college, my sister went off to college, I went to local college, I lived at home, you know, I was happy at home. I was very accident prone when I was younger, maybe for the attention, you know. I wanted to get myself as the middle child. So so he has this awakening, right? Right. And it's like having my father back. So we're starting to share with him what the grandchildren are doing, you know. So it's been really ten years since and they were really so he has ⁓ she had seven grandchildren, six boys. My daughter was the only daughter in the family. And ⁓ we're starting to share what they're doing now because now they're growing up and he's saying, ⁓ that's great and that's wonderful, or I know this one always could do something like that. And then he says, ⁓ isn't one of the grandsons in medical school now? And didn't another grandson start an Ivy League school? And we said, Yeah, Dad. And here's the amazing thing, Mike. Those things happened while he was in the midst and the throes of dementia. It's not like something that happened before. It happened while he was in the midst of dementia. So my brother and saying, How do you know that? Because a lot of time you never really know what a person with Alzheimer's or dementia is thinking or feeling. I was in a ⁓ support group online and someone wrote Isn't it wonderful that my loved one with Alzheimer's they're in their own world and they're happy in their own world. And I said to myself, boy, that sounds good, but I never took that philosophy because I told you I would always take them out to movies and to lunch where I could. And I said, no, no. I I just I I like I told you, I had a feeling my father was still in there. So when he and he also knew what hospital he was in, and nobody told him. And my brother and I said The only way he could have known this is that even though he wouldn't expressing it, he was more aware in the dementia than people think. And I think that's very important. And I think because if you believe your person is still there, and maybe they they can't express it the way they could and they can't have the conversations where they could, but if they're aware of what's going on, then you will include them in life. You will show them more dignity. You won't treat them as just someone sitting in the corner. And that was a very important thing we learned and a very important thing that I wanted ⁓ to share. ⁓ It's almost like and when I was telling someone this story they said it's almost like when a person's in a coma and they tell you to talk to your person that they can hear you. And then you hear stories of about people being in comas and then they they after they come out, they they recall something someone said to them. I don't think you can estimate the human spirit, the human consciousness, whatever you want to call it, because BigMike: Thank you. Dan: I think it's it's it's pretty powerful. And I think if you could treat your loved one, even whether it's a physical condition or other mental conditions, ⁓ and and and treat ⁓ with the dignity they deserve, I think we'd be so much better off. But that was really really one of the remarkable things for us. So talking BigMike: Well, so you ⁓ sorry, you brought up an an amazing point that like all of a sudden it's like he was he was there and those past ten years he he hadn't missed. And but you guys know th y you know, it's like he he came home from a long trip and you're trying to catch him up on everything and he's remembering Dan: No, God. That's right. BigMike: You know, he he he knew where he was the whole time. He you know, he's like, Yeah, I got the emails. I I got the postcards, I know what was going on. Dan: That's right. That's exact. Yeah, th it's exactly right. Yeah. ⁓ a and I and and that's a great thing to know your person is still there, you know, because When they're not verbal or not the tendency is to say, ⁓ boy, they're o in their own world. But I I don't believe they are. I believe they're much more aware of what's going on than we think. And if you take that attitude, I think you're gonna you're gonna be different interactions with people. So so that was amazing. And then we talked about football, right? And I told you this football player's name was Wayne Crobett. And my f ⁓ excuse me, my father was also Excuse me, I'm sorry. So I told you it was I think I I meant you was an undefeated boxer in the army. And then he says, ⁓ my brother asked him, How come you Why were you a good boxer? He goes, he was a little light for his weight class. He would surprise his opponents. And he says, I surprised my opponents like Wayne Krebett surprised his opponents. He was smaller, but he was underestimated, and I was underestimated. Then he recalled, it's one of my favorite pictures. At one point, my father bought all the grandkids, including my daughter, Wayne Krebett's number 80 jersey. And we got a picture. And it's a great picture of my father and all his grandchildren, right? And he says, ⁓ I remember taking the picture with all the grandkids and tears are in his eyes. And then he says to me, What's Wayne Crobett doing now? And I googled him and I shared it with him. ⁓ so that was in when I first wrote a ⁓ an article about this awakening before I wrote the book, I actually shared it with Rain Corbet on social media and he reposted it to his followers. So it's amazing. He talked about he loved Muhammad Ali as a as a boxer. He talked about athletes that he liked. ⁓ talked a little bit about his business career. So we had these wonderful interactions. When my mother, they were married 62 years at the time, he says, You know, you're the love of my life. Imagine hearing that, you know, from the man you're with so long, and you haven't heard that from a long time. So my father had some quirks growing up, right? So he would take, you know, afternoon naps sometimes if he was tired. Sleep was a big thing in my family. Sleep is so important, it is important, but sleeping was important. So, you know, if you're in a room. And don't have blackout shades, there's light coming in. So Yeah, exactly. He liked a good nap. He would take a long brown or black sock, one of these ones that came up to your knee, and he'd put it over his eyes. Okay? And the clothes. He's lying in the hospital bed, and my mother is sitting there, right? And he says, Arl, her name was Arlene. And he goes, Do you have my sock? I want to take a nap. I mean, you can't write this stuff. BigMike: I'll I'll never fault anyone that enjoys a good afternoon nap. Dan: The other thing is my father was always a generous guy, especially in the service field that if you know, he was a good temper, okay? And it didn't matter, you know, w we went from You know, lower income to middle income, he did better, it didn't matter. He was a big night. He would tip people even if they weren't in the service industry. That's how we showed part of his love. He was a tip people. So again, my mother's sitting there and he says to her, ⁓ do you have some cash? She says, cash? What do need? Some cash. You're in the hospital getting better from the monk. Because no, I want to tip the nurses and the aides that were so nice to me. I mean, you can't write this stuff. His personality was there. So I really wanted to get my children there to see their grandpa, because they hadn't really s they were younger when he was himself, and I really wanted attempt to see him, unfortunately, because they were out on their own at the time and they were working. I couldn't get them there 'til the end of the second day. And he really had reverted back to the full blown dementia. But we had videotaped him. We had videotaped some of the interaction. And my daughter in particular is pretty emotional. And we have on videotape. And this really led to everything I've done as a second career. So my brother asked my father, what are you happy about? And his exact words, I'm happy just to be here and alive. I'm happy just to be here and alive. And I truly believe that the ⁓ the what he was telling his family at the time is I still appreciate life and I want to live, even in the throes of dementia. So again, besides I'm thinking them knowing more of what's going on, he still had a d he still wanted to live and he still appreciated life. And I thought that was really remarkable. Maybe it was a message to the family that he's still fighting, because he was literally a fighter, but fighting his whole life. But ⁓ he recovered from the pneumonia. We got long-term hospice care. He was at home. And I like to write. So I said, you know what, I'm gonna write an article. And I I put it on medium dot com where you could write articles and and ⁓ I didn't know what kind of reaction I was gonna get. Ten years later I have about three hundred thirty thousand plus views. And I started to get reaction from people. Hey, wow, your relationship with your father's very loving, but you know what? Your story's giving me hope. That our loved one in similar circumstances or with other mentors also appreciate life and want to live. So it became and and I I think that my father's message really maybe wasn't just for the family, but maybe was for others as well. So We were trying to figure out why this happened, right? That is a natural question. Why why my fat father had this two days you hear people having glimpses and you know, moments of recognition, but two days of being himself. So my brother the doctor wants a medical explanation. You know, it's gotta be a medical explanation for it. So in the beginning he thought that loading up with steroids Which reduces inflammation, somehow removed r r reduced inflammation from his brain, and he had a temporary awakening. I said at the time, Ugh I don't know. This is an irreversible downward condition. How can anything reverse it? Right? So Ten years later, when I wrote my book and and I and I did a podcast, Awakenings in Real Life, I had my brother on again. He he wanted to be prepared. He re-researched the issue. He says, no, steroids can actually have a negative effect on someone with Alzheimer's dementia. Then his theory was because he got better from the pneumonia, it affected his neurotransmitters and his dopamine levels. I don't know. I don't buy it. Okay. His neurologist said he's been in practice 30 years, never. saw anything like it. My brother spoke to all his colleagues. They never saw anything like it. My next thing was, well maybe it's a miracle. And I'm not a very religious person, but to me that was as good an explanation as and anything else. You know? ⁓ can we pray for another miracle? Yeah, but do miracles happen twice. Then the third thing I wrote in the book is he was literally a fighter, you know, he was street star it was a guy from the streets who's had a successful business. He was a boxer. He's telling his family, I'm still fighting to live and I wanna live. And that's the explanations I had. So I did a little book signing for my book and a friend of mine came. He says, I I I got another theory I wanna he goes, I think your father experienced what he did, so you could write the book and share his legacy with the rest of the world. And I said to myself, You know what? I like that explanation best because I think the story for people who read it and hear about it, it does give them hope. That people with Alzheimer's dementia and I think it goes for other mental illnesses. I think it applies for people that may be going through cancer or the like 'cause this the humans are capable of a lot of things and ⁓ so I shared the story then and I got some great responses. But I didn't write the book for ten years, interestingly enough. ⁓ because I was going a long life. ⁓ I'm I'm an entrepreneur. I did some consulting gigs. And when my last consulting gig ended, I said, you know what? I'd like to share this story in a book and maybe get it out to more people. But I don't think that story's enough. For a whole book. Right? And I said, Boy, I have some ⁓ great stories with my father. Like I told you the story about the baseball. Actually that's not in the book. But I said, I got great stories about my father in particular and some of the other family. But who's interested? Why would anybody want to hear my family stories? You know, everybody has their own family stories. So I did some research to figure out am I gonna self-publish and I found this small ⁓ husband and wife editor team in California that's wonderful. And when I started to speak to them and I started to share other stories, the editor says to me, You know what you you you're doing? When you're reflecting back on your father's awakening and other family stories, ⁓ there's something behind that. And I said, Yeah, you know what? It's almost like each of these stories has like call it a mini a awakening or or a lesson that I learned. So when I share these stories, like I share stories about my father being a great problem solver, ⁓ I add reflection pages in the book. And I asked people to reflect on their own life. So when was there a situation where someone made something that seemed impossible possible and how did it have an impact? I tell the stories about acceptance and inclusion. And when is accepting your person's situation helped you in life? Or when including them in something had meaning. I tell stories about an uncle of mine who always showed up no matter where we were in the family, if we Got home in the air ⁓ from a trip at two in the morning or two in the afternoon. He always picked us up and and sometimes I'm not even sure he knew what flight we were on, he just showed up. My father was in basic training, eighteen years old, and this uncle was ten years older than him in in Amarillo, Texas. Basic training. gets a call, ⁓ Herb, Cohen, can you go to the the the front and I and the barracks. It was a little, you know, it was a distance. He goes there, he goes to the front ring. Who's there? His brothers coming to visit him when he's in basic training. So I talk about the importance of showing up for someone. I tell a story about small acts of kindness. So this is another example of my father loved to go to the horse racing, right? So I can actually tell you two stories about horse racing. One is about inclusion. ⁓ so my father loved to go to the horse races and not not the thoroughbirds, the trotters. This where the the the driver's sitting in a cart. And used to take me as a kid and then when I got older he used to take me and my f my kids to the track. I loved the loved the track. So it's interesting. We we still even went in the throes of dementia. And you know how I knew he was getting worse? It's how we read the racing form. Over the years he would s he would circle less and less things on the racing form until he could only knew the odds and then he could only pick a number. So Before I tell you the inclusion story, when my son was five or six, before and he's starting first grade on that weekend, my father, me and my son went to the racetracker was by my house. My daughter was too little. My father has a very good day. He won a lot of races. Typically there was one race. He always Felt very strong love about so we went ten times on that race at that day. He won six or seven times. But this day he was winning a lot. So after we leave, my son, we're all so excited, he says to my son, we're gonna go to the toy store. You can buy any toy you want, right? So my son got a hundred dollar Lego. Loved Legos. First day of school starts, the next Monday, the teacher as an exercise says to the kids, What would you do if you had a hundred dollars? They come, I think you they come to my son, he goes, I'd go to Freehold Raceway. Right? So I told my I called my father, I told him the story. Now BigMike: He already know what knew what to do with the hundred dollars. Dan: It was free hole race. The mall was called Freehold Raceway Mall. So I think the teacher might have thought he was talking about the mall, but I knew what he was talking about. Called my father up, we had a great laugh. Later in the week, he says, Let's go back this weekend. Said, Dad, we never go two weekends in a row, maybe two or three. He goes, No, I'm on a hot streak. We go, right? Same the three of us. He doesn't win a race. My son is so dejected. No Lego this week, right? So I said, Dad, I'm sorry you didn't win anything. He winks at me. He says to my son, he says, I want you to know one thing. When you go to the track, expect to lose. Okay? Ten years later, we're at the 75th birthday party. All the grandkids are speaking to my father. My son gets up and says, Grandpa, I know now you like to go to the casino occasionally, you like to play poker. I want you to remember one thing. When you go, expect to lose. He tells us. He threw back the same advice. BigMike: Right, right, right. Dan: 2015 now, my father's in the the depths of dementia, right? It's very difficult to to get him in and out of the car. And one day I said, Dad, is there anything you want to do? He goes, the track. I know three seconds later he was gonna forget he asked. Okay. At this point, my mother really wasn't driving. I'd have to go from New Jersey to New York two hours and back to the track on the house. I said, you know what? He loved the track his whole life. I'm gonna I'm gonna figure out a way to do it. So I did. We went, I picked them up, I bring them out. We're there, it's me, my ex-wife, my son, ⁓ my daughter, my dad. ⁓ Me and my son. And the first race comes and he couldn't even look at the form. We said, Dad, pick a number, pick a horse. Says, number seven, right? Now my mother, she would I always remember her reading a book when we were sitting there in the track. She she was a voracious reader. She looks up and she says, Number seven, that's the longest shot in the race. He doesn't know what he's doing. My son jumps in and says, Grandma, when grandpa feels strongly that a horse is gonna win, you know, clearly tongue in cheek, the horse is gonna win. And I said, Mom, dad's a great handicapper. If he thinks the seven is gonna win, seven is gonna win. So we put a few more bucks on it. The race goes off, the horse is in dead last. Out of nowhere down the stretch, he wins by a nose. We're all cheering and whooping, no reaction from my father. My son says, Grandpa, you picked a long shot in the horse. Explained it to him. And my father was watching. The horse came out of nowhere in one by a nose. The biggest smile came on his face that I hadn't seen in years. That moment of including him on that day just meant the world. In fact, you know, I talk about the story to this day, and it happened eleven years ago, and my son and my father's funeral told that story, you know, the story of his experience with his fat his his ⁓ his grandpa at the track and that moment and that big smile on his face. So, you know, it is important to include someone. So we talk about inclusion. There was a my father liked to put the car in valet when we went to the track. Even though the the self-parking was ten yards from the entrance, the valet parking was like a hundred yards. We we used to have to walk there. So we went. Even in the when he had dementia, I would take him. And there was always this one valet that was so kind to us that he would help me take the walker out of the car. He would take me out of the wheelchair out of the car. It'd help put my father in the wheelchair. At a certain point he would mo my father was sitting next to me, he'd motion me to get in the back, and he would drive us to the front entrance, okay? And I'm not sure he knew we had dementia, but he just knew this man wasn't w well. Towards the end, and we couldn't even stay a full day, we would be leaving the gate, and somehow this guy arrived with the car, I don't know if it was psychic, and he would take us back to the front entrance. And those small ac and he could have been parking more cars and getting more tips, but he just wanted to help the family. That small act of kindness had such an impact. on the family that I share that story in the book. And I said, when has an act of unkindness impacted your life? So that's what the book is about. It's that's why I say my dad's awakening from dementia woke me up too. So it's not only a story about his awakening and the lessons we learned. But other family stories and other what I call mini awakenings that I wanna share and I give people the ability to reflect and write down their thoughts and and hopefully it could help them in their their own life as well. BigMike: You know, Dan, I appreciate you sharing this story so much. ⁓ such a beautiful and important story. ⁓ the stories of the racetrack and being there with your son, you know, like I was sharing that story about the the football game. I I was never and I'm still not a Denver Broncos fan. ⁓ but now sitting I learn now how important it is to sit and watch those games with Pops. ⁓ and and just have that moment. Dan: ⁓ thank you. Right. BigMike: And the the reality is and and this is something we experience as we're in our ages now, our life comes back to a full circle. We grow up seeing our our dad as the strongest man in the world, and he's ⁓ you know, like like you said, ⁓ your mom would yell, Herbie, go take care of it. And and they they figure everything out for everyone. And then there comes a point where we step in that role for them and ⁓ Dan: Right. Right. BigMike: You know, those of us that are lucky and and let's let's make sure we don't miss this point, there's a lot of people unfortunately that don't have that father in their life. They don't have that father figure. And ⁓ we're two very fortunate people to have those people there. ⁓ and it's it's very fitting we're telling this story the week of ⁓ Father's Day. And and you know, they they are our first mentor. They they are the person that as Dan: Right, you're right. That's right. BigMike: as we grow up we we want to emulate and i the way you that ⁓ subtitle or that title quote of my father's awakening woke me up too ⁓ it gave you an insight to making sure we're taking care of you know we're honoring that memory and passing that memory on. ⁓ so I'm I'm gonna be sure to link link to the book in in the description. Dan: Right. ⁓ thank you. BigMike: such a powerful story for everyone to to understand the importance of someone that's been in our life. ⁓ like I said, my my wife's grandmother had dementia and Alzheimer's and ⁓ watching how that deterioration affected my own wife. ⁓ you know, grandma was such an important person in her life. And when you come when you switch roles to now you're taking care of them. Dan: Yeah. BigMike: But it is important to to make sure they're included and that they are a part of the world around them because they do there is something going on in there and on on this note I love to reference ⁓ the Elvis Castillo song Veronica. I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but it's it's about his grandmother ⁓ in the in the ⁓ care center and him picturing her before she got sick. And I for some reason, you know, like I said, ⁓ anytime I think of my of Elaine, my my sweet light wife's grandmother, I like to play that song and just remember and and there's there's a beautiful line in there that, you know, he talks about how she laughs at those who call her her name and scream her close. And I I think of that that that's what our loved ones are doing. Like they're there. Dan: That's love that. BigMike: And almost like they're joking with us, and it seems like your dad had a had a great sense of humor that you know, he could almost ⁓ you almost want him to come out of it right before he passes and say, Gotcha! Gotcha You know? So Dan: Right. Yeah. He did. Yeah. Yeah, exact exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You're absolutely right. Yeah. You're you're absolutely right. I'll tell you another thing that I ⁓ tell people, right? So I put another ⁓ and before I tell that, so another doctor me went my brother was very active. I I I credit my brother really for keeping him alive for so long and and doctor said to me I my brother wasn't his doctor, but he overwatched everything. BigMike: Right, right. Dan: My father was it's interesting, a number of times in the those ten years he was hospitalized for something and my brother often said, His organs are failing, he's not gonna make it through the night. The next night my father miraculously he really had a will to live. But so my brother of my ⁓ would take my brother's father's blood weekly, a lot of times with elderly people and not people know it, if they don't drink enough they get de dehydrated a and and th they're lethargic and a lot of times it's just having fluids, you know, and they perk up. So my father if he was ⁓ dehydrated he would get saline fluids. My brother would make sure of it. Really kept him alive. But someone said to me, What are what are you guys doing? This is not the Herbie we know and love. And they're right. He he wasn't the man. He he you know, but nobody has a right to tell you that you you you know your person shouldn't be here. We wanted him here as long as we could have ⁓ 'Cause the alternative is the alternative. And I said even when he held my hand and kissed it, that was that was enough for me. But the other th I also sh I have a chapter in the book. I call it a living eulogy for my dad. And we've all been to funerals. In fact I went to a funeral yesterday for ⁓ a friend's mother-in-law and And I've been to my share of funerals, my parents passed, close friends passed, but even before then, you know, sometimes you go to a funeral, you know someone, but you don't know the so the person who passed. It's their loved one. And I listened to these eulogies and I'm always brought to tears, whether I know the person or not. And then one time I was really struck, I said, wow, they talk so beautifully, and they share said wonderful things about their person. The person who should be hearing it, right? Is a person who passed. And how often in we l in life do we tell people we love you I love you or you did a great job, but when have you ever had the opportunity to really s talk To your person and really share how you feel. So we had the opportunity at his 75th birthday party. Everybody gave it like a little speech to my father. And when I turned 40, I got very emotional. I wrote each of my parents a letter, just a four or five page letter. And they said that was the greatest gift they got that year. But I tell people don't wait till your loved one is gone. And it doesn't have to be just an old person. It could be a friend. It could be a sibling. Share how you feel about someone. Write an email if you're comfortable. Sit down and have a conversation. ⁓ write an old fashioned letter. Do a video. But don't wait until that person is gone to really express some tell them now while they're living. And and I I know my father on that day in particular ⁓ was overwhelmed at the pouring out of and his first, you know, his he was f first words he goes, I don't think I'm that good. You know, he heard all these testimonies. You sure they're talking about me? But here's the other point I wanna make. He was not perfect. You know, nobody's perfect. My father had his flaws, he was a human being. I know I, you know, talk about he was the greatest thing sliced bread, and to me he was. He had a way no matter what I was going through in life, he would say, Don't whip yourself. I'd hear those three words. I'd feel better. BigMike: Right. Dan: It's like, all right, there's a problem, you know, it can seem like it's an overwhelming problem, but it's not. You know, we'll we'll figure it out. I'll help you figure out. Don't whip yourself and had a way of making me feel better. And not that he necessarily could even if he couldn't solve every problem, just being able to talk to him made me feel better. But he wasn't a perfect human being. But but I tell you your your audience, Bible, really share share ⁓ your feelings with the people you love, ⁓ and don't be afraid to to really express yourself because you'd be surprised how it impacts a relationship. BigMike: Yeah, Dan that I try to share with people how I love and I'll tell you for me the most cathartic way to do that is sitting down and handwriting it out. There's so much power in taking the time and getting those emotions out by hand. ⁓ that's why I like to journal by hand and stuff. Dan, ⁓ I really enjoyed our time together. Such a powerful story. ⁓ Dan: Yeah. Nato in the current. BigMike: Thank you for sharing with us who your dad is and and w the lessons he taught you in life. And you know, just by this ⁓ brief interaction, ⁓ and I hope it's not the last one we have, I got to see your your father through you. ⁓ and and that's the greatest legacy we can live is by by being there, ⁓ and being the man, the woman, the person that our our father wanted us to be. ⁓ Dan: Thank you so much. No, me either. Yeah. Right. BigMike: Dan, I appreciate your time. Again, the book is called Awakenings by Dan Cohen. Awake Awakenings in real life. ⁓ Dan: Awakenings in real life by Dan Cowan. Right. That's also my website, awakenings in real life dot com. Social media the same. You'll have links but you can find the book on Amazon. So I I appreciate it. I really do. BigMike: Yeah. Yeah, so thank thanks a lot for sharing your story, Dan, and ⁓ we'll catch you guys next time on the Mentor Sessions podcast.