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208. Parenting Boundary "Must Have's" To Keep Your Sexual Intimacy And Marriage Strong · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: In this episode we talk about the parenting boundary must-haves to keep your sexual intimacy strong.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: So this is a subject.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Whenever we do a social media post or anything like that, we absolutely get destroyed, and I love it.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: I don't understand why it's such a complicated thing to put boundaries on your relationship, especially when it comes to your kids, right?
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: You love getting destroyed.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I do I do I mean, it's just, it's crazy to me, but yeah, today's episode we're going to talk about the boundaries that you need to have with your kids so your relationship can flourish, and I would say these are things that we do in our marriage.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: But, more importantly, I think, across the board, any therapist or marriage and family therapist, would agree with what we're stating today.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Oh, absolutely.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: For some reason, it's such a controversial topic and people say, oh well, if you're saying you got to put your marriage first, that means you're neglecting your kids, which is total crap.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: You can have both, you don't?
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: It's not one or the other.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: You can still put your marriage a priority and still give your kids everything that they need.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: So that's what we're going to talk about today.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: So you're just smiling like I think it's when you say we get destroyed, for I think it's because we say your marriage needs to come first, and for most mothers that have that loving, nurturing these are my babies it's hard to hear.
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: It's hard to hear because it's like, well, my husband could take care of himself and my kids need me, and so it's kind of all about the way you take that sentence in, right?
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: So Well, and as we've talked about before, we know that you're going to be spending seven, eight, nine hours a day with your kids.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: We know that your marriage is not going to change.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: You can still put your marriage first or make your marriage a priority, even spending 30 minutes or an hour with your spouse.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: It's not, it's not a matter of how much time is spent.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: For most marriages, your, your adults, right?
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: So an hour of time together.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: So, aiming I, I'm aiming I put our marriage first.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Our kids see that we have boundaries in place, but to put our marriage first really only requires 30 minutes or 45 minutes or whatever, right?
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: Well, that's what I was going to add to you said six, seven hours a day with your kids, like if they're little, you're 24 hours, right, all right, 12 hours or whatever, unless they're sleeping.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: But these are just some of the things that we've implemented to show our kids that our marriage is first, to show each other that our marriage is first.
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: And, believe me, we've got four kids, one adult kid.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: They're amazing children.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: They feel very loved.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: They feel like they know how much we love.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: We have a great-, never, never, ever once, would they say that I feel neglected or ever.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: Oh no, they.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: They feel very loved by us.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: They actually admit all the time they're like we are the best parents in the world.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: We want a marriage, just like you guys like totally amazing relationships with our kids, so-.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: We also have some boundaries in place right, which is why we have an amazing relationship with our kids because they've learned to respect boundaries too.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, so we'll go through and we'll talk about these things.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: We understand everyone's at different stages in life, but we think that these can apply for the most part, so-.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: Well, hold.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: And one more thing before we jump into these putting boundaries around everything right, like we have boundaries, kind of, in everything that we have right.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: But teaching your kids or giving your kids an amazing marriage is the best gift you can give them.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: Like, your kids are going to benefit more.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: I mean, if you truly love your children, like, believe me, like I'm a mom, like I love my kids so flippin' much, like I love my children so much, I want to give them an amazing, healthy family relationship.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: I want to give them that strong family foundation that they come home, they feel safe, they feel loved, they feel nurtured right, and that I can only give them that when I feel united with Nick, like when we have a good marriage, I'm a better mom.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: When we have a good marriage, I'm a better parent, I have more patience, I have more love for my kids, I can nurture my kids better, I'm more fun, I'm more, I'm happier, like I don't think a lot of couples see the significance of an impact that a marriage makes on your parenting.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: So when we're saying, put your marriage first, what we're saying is create that foundation, that united atmosphere between the two of you, so that you can give your best self to your children.
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: That's what we're trying to say.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, did I say that right?
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: I think so.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: I mean your marriage, like you can admit it or not.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: When your marriage is in shambles and you're upset at each other and onry and disconnected, or giving each other a silent dream or just have an argument, you're just super disconnected as a family.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: You don't think that your emotions affect your children.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: Well and right.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean look at the kids that get raised in households where the marriage isn't good or even the divorce happens.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: I mean the chances of their success are a lot slimmer.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: And sometimes those things happen.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: I mean, nick came from a house that was broken, divorced at 14, 15.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: Those things happen.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: But if you're married, if you're married and you're trying your hardest to have an amazing marriage right now, keep trying, because that really is the best thing and not just staying with your spouse.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: I mean about having that ultimate interest in your marriage, like that affects your children, and that's where we're going to go with this.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: So the must have boundaries you need to have with your kids to keep your marriage strong.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: First, I would say, is you have to have a boundary with your time, like you have to have at least a night a week where you're doing date night or spending time together, that your kids know that you're not going to be interrupted, right?
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: So Amy and I have a date night every week.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: That was probably one of the best things that we ever did for our marriage.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: And we didn't implement this until like year 10.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: We had already had all.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: I mean, that was probably when we had our fourth child.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: Our son was probably eight.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: So four kids in eight years.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: We had neglected date night for a lot of years, and it wasn't that we never went, it was just we didn't implement it like weekly, like really making that a priority.
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: And it changed our marriage and it can't be, you know, okay.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: so Amy and I do it every Friday night and there's an occasional time where our kids might have an activity or something and we have to move it Saturday night.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: But we are having that either Friday or Saturday night of every week and nothing is going to get in the way.
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: I mean unless we leave town, and then we'll do something during the week.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: But on the most part we try to keep that open.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: Correct and our kids know that.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Our kids know that it's date night and that we're going on a date and it's going to happen and nothing's going to get in the way of that.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: And they respect that.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: They see us go out to the point to where now they're like oh, it's Friday night, it's date night.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Where are you guys going tonight?
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: What are you going to do?
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: Bye, mom and dad, bye.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: They're very supportive of it and they have no problem when we leave.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: They know that that time is important to us, so I would say that's, that's number one.
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: Well, and I have to add to this because I'm talking I'm talking to moms right now.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: We're not just talking to moms, but right now it's easy to have mom guilt.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: So I'm at a point now where I'm like our son has moved out.
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: We have two teenage daughters that have social life, so they're gone every Friday.
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: But our youngest, even though she's like preteen, she doesn't have much of a social life yet, so she's usually home by herself on Friday night.
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: So I'm not going to lie, there's Fridays where I'm like I have that mom guilt, I'm like I don't want to leave her home again.
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: I try to get her a friend, or she can go to a friend's or and sometimes that doesn't work.
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: So a lot of the time she's home alone.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: But she's to a point now where she's like it's okay.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: Like I know you guys are going on date night, it's okay, I'll put on a movie or I'll hang out by myself.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: It's important for the mom guilt to be like it's okay for my kid to be alone if they're the appropriate age, or for me to get a babysitter.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: It's okay for you to leave them and that's really hard when they're little but it's really, really important for you and for your spouse.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: Cause mom guilt's real.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: For sure it's real.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: So this is for couples that have younger kids.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: But we we hear this a lot and I just I don't know.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's because I'm a dad and I don't have the nurturing, but you're going to hear different things for me and Nick in this episode.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: You have to have a boundary where you don't allow your kids to sleep in your bed.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: We see a lot of couples, we hear from a lot of couples, where the husband says, yeah, our kids sleep in our bed.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: We have no time for intimacy or connection or sex life is zero because our kids are always sleeping in our bed.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: And we actually hear from couples that the kids are getting like past age, where they should be sleeping in your bed and they're still in your bed, right Like nine, nine or 10 years old, like you got to put that boundary that you're not going to allow your kids to sleep in your bed.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Now we understand there's an exception, with your kids sick or, you know, something happens as a nightmare or just once in a while needs a good snuggle.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, we're good parents.
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: There were plenty of nights where I'm like, come, come, come in my bedroom, let's snuggle.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: You don't feel good, let me sleep next to you.
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: Like there's always those moments.
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: Of course you're a good parent, but to have it all the time so it's a.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's where it gets turns.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: Toxic is because it's affecting your intimate life, because it's all the time Like that's not healthy for your child.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: And it's not only affecting you but it's also affecting your child.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say Imagine what sleeping in your parents bed till seven, eight, nine, 10 years old is going to teach you.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, you know, you're gonna have separation issues, you're gonna have, they're gonna have anxiety issues there.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I mean, there's gonna be all sorts of issues that are probably gonna come of that.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: We don't need to get into that.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: You can go research that.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but anyways, again we're talking about if you want to keep your sexual intimacy strong, these are parenting boundaries that you must implement in your marriage.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: And we do hear from a lot of husbands on that one, that the wife is just always letting their kids.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: If you love to snuggle your kids and they're little and they're just the cutest thing in your life, like I totally get it Put them to bed, teach them to go to bed in their own bed and if they end up coming down for a reason, at least you had those hours when you first, or the hour when you first went to bed that you climbed to bed together, just the two of you and you had intimate time.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: Like that's what we're really trying to focus on.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Next one is established curfews for your bedroom.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Amy might laugh at this a little bit.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: We're probably going to think different on this one.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: That's okay.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: But I think you know there should be a certain time where your bedroom is closed and it's, and it's your bedroom should be an adult space only.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: So whether that's 10 o'clock at night or 1030 or whatever you dictate, your kids should know that and you should say okay, at this time our bedroom door is closing, we're going to bed, this is our alone time together, and let the kids know that you know they're not going to get in the bedroom.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: We've done this in ours Like so all a certain time will say okay, good night, we'll see you in the morning, and we lock our door.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: We've had times when our kids have come down they've tried to open the door of the door's log.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: They immediately know okay, this can wait till the morning.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: They go back up and our kids are old enough to know that if our doors locked, don't go in there, but there was a stage where they didn't quite know that, so they're trying to get in, which is fine, because if they need you for something, that's important, yes, that's fine.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: The whole concept is teaching them that mom and dad need some alone time.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: So, whether that's a couple nights a week or whatever works for you, put them to bed, teach them that, hey, when the doors lock, mom and dad are having a long time.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: That's all that really needs to be said you know, depending on the age, and I mean that's just literally called putting up a boundary for your children.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: Our kids, our kids giggle.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: Now they're old enough to know what's going on if the door's locked and they know that's important.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: We have conversations with our kids about sexual intimacy.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: They're, I mean, our older teens, and so it just depends on the stage, what you're teaching your kids everything.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: I think it's good to be open with your kids to a point, Even at our stage in life.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: If we didn't have this boundary or we hadn't set this in place, we would probably be.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Or I should say Amy I don't want to speak for her, but our sexual intimacy or a sex life would probably look a lot different, because Amy might be nervous that, oh, what if the kids come down and need something in 30 minutes?
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Or what if you know?
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: You know just just always having that.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: But because we know our doors locked and they know that if our doors locked we're spending a long time together, even if they do come down and knock on the door or whatever you know, at least they know that, right, right.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: And we're not talking about emergencies or stuff, we're just talking, you know.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: So I think I think, letting your kids know that you have that curfew at such and such a time our door is going to be closed and locked and it's bedtime, then you can focus that time on yourselves and connecting whether it's even just sitting and watching TV and connecting that way or whatever that is, but at least you're connecting in some way together as a couple.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: So I'm going to add two stages to this conversation.
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: It's important for your marriage and for your parenting to teach your kids to be good sleepers, like I've just watched so many young couples where they're not Establishing good bedtimes and good sleeping patterns, and it 100% affects your intimate life and your marriage.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: They're never they're always either coming down, or I need this, or I want to sleep in your bed.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: Or they don't have good bedtimes, or you, you train your parents.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: You're the parents.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: You established, when that is.
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: And then I want to say, in our stage of life, like, we have older kids now, so sometimes their curfew is midnight or 11 pm, or if it's a night, they're going to a high school dance, sometimes it's 1 am, whatever like, just depending on the, the night and the situation.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: I Want to talk about positive mindset here, because some nights Me and Nick have and like talked about it and we're like well, we're gonna be intimate tonight.
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: Well then all sudden it's like well, I'm not gonna so and so is not gonna be home till midnight, I'm tired, sometimes he's tired.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: It's still important to prioritize intimate times.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it's going to be late and that's okay.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: It doesn't always have to be an all-night thing.
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: It can take 20 minutes to connect.
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: So you kind of have to your situation.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Your stage of life with your kids is gonna change.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: It's just important, no matter what the stage is, to try and prioritize it right.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, and I think it's important to remember that you are the parent, you are in charge of your kids.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: It drives me absolutely crazy to see parents that just do whatever the kids want, right, like the kids are fully in charge.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: For example, if, if the parents are like, well, we can't do this because At 2 o'clock, so 4 o'clock, our child has to nap, right, I understand there's nap time, but my point is, is your whole entire schedule should not revolve around everything that your child needs?
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: You are the parent and you need to set some rules and boundaries for your children and then you know, I guess, implement those things right, like I think you know.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: Nowadays it seems like that parents are just like oh, I gotta just let my kid do anything.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: I don't cater, cater cater.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Everything revolves around the kids, and we've seen this I mean, I've seen this with people that we know where the parents whole entire life revolves around the kids and you can see that the marriage is really suffering Because of that.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: In every single case where you see that the parents cater the kids, every single case, the marriage suffers because of it, don't you agree?
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: 100%, 100%.
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: We have had personal experience with people that we know very dearly that we totally watch the disconnect happen in their marriage because their kids become the top priority.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Yep right and it's sad to watch like you are the parent.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: You create their schedule.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: You create your schedule.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: You train your kids.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: Don't let your kids train you, but don't let that affect your marriage.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: It not only connects, it not only creates disconnect just within the immediate family.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: It also creates disconnect with friends and other extended family, like now, all the sudden, like you know if you are planning something with with them or things like that, because they've catered and everything revolves around their kids.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: Now, everything you're doing, whether it's a family vacation or anything like that, is all revolved around the kids, every activity, everything you do.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: So again, the point we're trying to make is you are the one in charge.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Act like a parent.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: It's not bad to put boundaries into place, which brings us into our next one, which I think is just vital, and we really suggest you go listen to episode 111.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: It's probably one of the most important podcast episodes you could list to about parenting, but it goes into being on the same page together and don't parent differently.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: Now we recognize that everyone is going to have different parenting styles.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I was raised in a household where I virtually had no rules.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Amy was raised in a household where she had a lot more strict rules.
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: We don't see eye to eye on everything in parenting, but that doesn't mean that we're not together.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: Like just because I see differently on one thing and she sees differently, we come together and we say okay where's the?
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: balance.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: Where's the balance?
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: What works for both of us in our parenting style right?
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: Well, not even just that, but what we've done is we've self-reflected.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: So I look back and be like you know what.
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: Just because I was parented this way and you were parented that way doesn't mean your way right or my way is right, because I can look back at my, the way I grew up, and be like you know what.
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: I don't like some of those things, or I would like to do some of those things, different and mixed on the same thing.
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: So what?
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: What can we do together?
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: Like, what were the positives of your background and what were the positive of your backgrounds and how do we, how do we find a parenting solution in the middle that works for both of us and that works better for our kids?
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: Like, how do we take our experiences from the way we grew up and the way we were parented, take the positives out of those compromise and be the best parents that we can be, because that's what you want to be, right Is the best parents that you can be.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: And if there's times that you don't see eye to eye and your attitude is like, well, whatever you want to tell them to do honey, or vice versa, if you allow your spouse to make that decision, then you have to support that decision no matter what, even if you don't agree.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: So if I hand it off to Amy and say, hey, whatever, whatever you decide with you know our child, with what they're asking, because you're making that decision and I'm putting that solely on you, whatever that decision is, you have to support and back them up Absolutely.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: You can't say, oh, that's a horrible decision, why did you agree to do that?
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: So again, I think there's certain times where, if you do the handoff, well, all the time when you do the handoff, you have to support your spouse in that decision.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: But you should be making those decisions primarily together and supporting each other, even if you don't see eye to eye, still can make it work.
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: And remember that we're talking, we're not really getting into like blended families, because that's a whole different set of things when you bring two families together.
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: So I just wanted to point that out.
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: So some of these.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: You're like that wouldn't work for a family.
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: Like we understand that, like we have been married 21 years, we've raised our kids together, we've put these things in place, you know, from very early in the relationship.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: So just wanted to say that that would look a little bit different.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: Some of these will look a little different in a blended family.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's important to share responsibilities together.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: You know, divide up things in the household and what needs to be done, because at the end of the day, if you're dividing the responsibilities and you're each helping out and running the kids places and things like that, you're going to have more time later on to connect intimately so I mean pretty self explanatory there and also give your kids responsibilities.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Don't this is a this is a problem I need to do better at, but I think it's sometimes we need to give our kids responsibilities, chores, things to get done as well, to help out around the house.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: So I was going to say a lot of disconnect comes from couples in their marriages.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: I feel like I do everything.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: I don't feel like he does as much.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: I feel like I do more and she doesn't do as much.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: Vice versa, like I hear a lot of marriage conflict come from household responsibilities and I'm like I don't feel like it should be that big of a deal all the time.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: Number one, like I've already shared before make a list and each take want to be like you do this today, I'll do this today.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: But the major thing I wanted to say was involve your children.
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: I don't care how old they are and I understand that it's like well, it actually just makes it harder if my kids get involved, because then I just have to clean up their mess, but it doesn't matter.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: You're teaching your kids to work hard.
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: So even if it makes your life a little bit harder, it's going to make it easier down the road when your kids are hardworking children.
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: Like I think it's very, very important at a very young age to get your kids involved in housework duty your bedrooms, yours, your bathrooms, yours.
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: You can help with the full delandry, you can put your clothes away, you can help mop the floors.
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: You walk on them.
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: You can put your dishes in the dishwasher.
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: You ate on them like I don't get.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: Even my two year olds were helping me clean dishes.
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: They would sit on the counter.
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: They would help me chop food and help with cooking.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: They would.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: I let them be responsible at a very, very young age and now, every Saturday morning they, when they wake up, they say what four or five chores do I have today, mom?
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: We make a list, we go through everything that needs to be done there in the house.
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Each person picks and everybody helps everybody out, like it is a family responsibility, and the only reason I'm saying this is because that affects your marriage, instead of getting married to your spouse.
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: That well, this needs to be done.
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: This needs to be done.
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: This needs to be done.
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: This needs to be done.
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: Make it a family effort, no matter how old they are.
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: Teach them to be responsible, because that is going to affect the intimacy in your marriage.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well said Perfect.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah absolutely.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: You need to respect each other's parenting styles and kind of.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: We kind of hit on this a little bit, but again, it's so important to support each other in how each other parent Like.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: Again, amy and I were raised totally differently.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: We have different perspectives on things or see things differently maybe, but one of the things we always try to do is be supportive of each other and try to be on the same page and if we aren't on the same page, again being supportive of each other, recognizing that her parenting style might be different than mine, and that's okay, and vice versa.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: So just being respectful of each other and finding that middle ground.
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: So an example of this one to me would be we've always had this rule that our kids don't do sleepovers, and some parents agree with that and some don't.
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: But the other day one of our teenage daughters asked to have a sleepover and this conversation came up and she I could tell that she first wanted to go to me and then she wanted to go try and get dad to say yes and then come back, and you know what I mean.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, play each other.
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: Kids are smart Like at a certain age they start understanding like maybe I can swing mom and then she can talk dad into it, or vice versa, respecting each other's parenting styles.
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: It's very, very important to say you know what this is between me and dad.
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: We're going to go make a decision on this behind closed doors, we're going to talk about this when you're not around and then we'll come back and give you an answer and we're going to be united on this.
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: And that's huge for marriage intimacy, because when your kids try to divide you, that can cause some real rift in your intimate life.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the second I say yes and Amy says no.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: then all of a sudden it causes conflict between us and then and then the kid, our kid, is just divided us, which is not okay.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: So as long I mean I feel like we teach, I always say we teach people how to treat us.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: We also teach our kids how to respect us, and so our kids don't ever, hardly ever, try and do that, because they know that we're going to go talk to each other and we're going to be united and that's huge for intimacy, because when we know that we have each other's backs, that creates emotional intimacy like that.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: And we hardly ever have problems with that right.
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: Hardly ever causes issues with us in our relationship.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: So I love the last one.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: Well, one of the last, close to the last, is model a healthy relationship, like just.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Your kids are going to see what you do, see how you show love, see what kind of parents you are.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: More importantly than trying to tell them what to do or parent a certain way, just show them.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Show them through your actions and the way you parent them, the boundaries that you put in place, things like that.
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: So I think that a lot of couples don't realize how much their children are watching them.
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: It's like when I say you don't just say I love you, show I love you.
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: Your kids watch your marriage.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: They watch how you're talking to each other.
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: They watch how you argue with each other.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: They watch how you reconnect with each other.
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: They listen to your tone of voice.
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: They watch how you treat each other and how you listen to each other, how distracted you are on your phones.
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: They're watching, at a very young age and especially as teenagers, every single thing that you're doing.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: So when we say, put your marriage first for your children, you're teaching your kids how to be married.
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: If you've had a hard marriage relationship like self, look at that and be like what do my kids learn from that?
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: Do I want them going through what we've gone through and maybe it's a really positive marriage experience?
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Do I want my kids to have the same marriage experience that I have?
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: Like we're role models for the way our kids are going to be married one day?
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and obviously there's a lot more boundaries that you can put in place with your kids that are going to have a positive impact on not only your kids but also your relationship as a couple.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: You know these could include limits on screen time or technology or how late they're going to stay out playing or different things, and we don't need to go through all those things.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: But the points we want to try to make and obviously hitting on the big things is it's good to set boundaries, and setting boundaries in your marriage with your kids is going to keep your intimacy, both emotionally and sexually, stronger.
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: Can I add one more thing?
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: I think we teach our kids how to talk respectful and how to treat people respectful.
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: But I want to add that they see that in our marriage also, like the way you treat your spouse and the way you respect your spouse.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: They're learning from that.
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: So if you want kids that are going to go into society being good, respectful human beings, they're learning that from you and there's nothing that will kill intimacy faster than disrespect in a marriage right?
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Oh for sure.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: So implement these things and additional boundaries in your relationship with your kids and watch your marriage and sexual intimacy flourish even more.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: Anything to add?
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: I just want to say that our Christmas scratch off cards are in the shop shopultimateintimacycom.
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: I created them to help people with lower drive initiate better.
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: That's me in the marriage.
• 30:44
  Speaker 3: I love them, I'm not very good at it, but we have holiday ones now you can give your spouse for Christmas or put in their stocking.
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: Or these aren't just holiday ones, we have normal ones.
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: You can use for anniversaries, birthdays, just, and I love you, president, because you love president, president, because you love your spouse so much, leave it under their pillow, leave it in their car, just hand it to them, make their day.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: You scratch them off.
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: It's just a cute card.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: Either has a position or a way to make love, or some kind of massage, romantic initiating foreplay.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're making a blush over your sweater.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: Anyways, we hope that you love them.
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: Check them out.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: And I guess then we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.