Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / #HURDLEMOMENT: How to Set Boundaries (& Keep Them) With Self-Healing Expert Yasmine Cheyenne

Transcript

#HURDLEMOMENT: How to Set Boundaries (& Keep Them) With Self-Healing Expert Yasmine Cheyenne · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

0:00
Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in plays. It's not that
0:02
Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not
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Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yes.
0:24
Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Body here.
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Speaker 3: You are listening to an installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle,
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Speaker 3: a wileness focused podcast where I connect with everyone from
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Speaker 3: your favorite athletes to top experts in industry CEOs about
0:36
Speaker 3: their highest hies, toughest moments, and everything in between. We
0:41
Speaker 3: all go through hurdles in life, and my goal through
0:43
Speaker 3: these discussions is to empower you to better navigate yours
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Speaker 3: and move with intentions so that you can stride toward
0:51
Speaker 3: your big potential and of course have some fun along
0:55
Speaker 3: the way.
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Speaker 2: I am so excited to bring you.
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Speaker 3: A really special conversation that I had recently with Yasmine Cheyenne.
1:03
Speaker 3: She is the host of the sugar Jar podcast, a
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Speaker 3: self healing expert as well as an advocate for mental wellness.
1:11
Speaker 2: And for today's episode, we are.
1:13
Speaker 3: Chatting all about boundaries. What are boundaries, how to set boundaries,
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Speaker 3: how to not feel guilty about your boundaries? So much
1:22
Speaker 3: goodness in this episode. I'll be the first person to
1:26
Speaker 3: say that over the last few years, establishing and maintaining
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Speaker 3: my boundaries has been something that has been both truly
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Speaker 3: difficult and also very empowering. And so my hope for
1:37
Speaker 3: you today as you listen to this is first and
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Speaker 3: foremost to understand that boundaries are a critical, critical part
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Speaker 3: to your overall self care and mental well being. It
1:48
Speaker 3: is so important that you are in tune with where
1:52
Speaker 3: you are firm in your life, and that stems from
1:56
Speaker 3: as well, knowing your values and being able to articulate
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Speaker 3: what those are. And we talk all about that in
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Speaker 3: today's episode. So grateful for Yasmin's energy and her amazing perspective.
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Speaker 3: I learned so much from this conversation. I felt like
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Speaker 3: it came at the perfect time for me, and I
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Speaker 3: hope you feel the same. Before we get to it,
2:17
Speaker 3: I do want to chat up really quickly. A really
2:21
Speaker 3: beautiful podcast I listened to the other day with Pelotons
2:25
Speaker 3: Robin Rizon.
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Speaker 2: I've had her on the show before.
2:27
Speaker 3: I know that many of you love and adore her,
2:31
Speaker 3: and she was a guest on a show called Meditative
2:34
Speaker 3: Story Now. In the episode, Robin recounted an intimate story
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Speaker 3: about her struggle with self doubt and how she pushes
2:41
Speaker 3: through and it was so touching and funny and beautiful.
2:45
Speaker 3: And what I loved the most about it is the
2:47
Speaker 3: format of the Meditative Story podcast is gorgeous. It's unlike
2:52
Speaker 3: anything I've heard before. Robin's story is presented in a
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Speaker 3: way where it's surrounded by original music and brief meditator prompts,
3:00
Speaker 3: and it's really designed to help cultivate mindfulness as.
3:05
Speaker 2: The story unfolds.
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Speaker 3: Now, if you have a chance, I can't recommend it enough,
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Speaker 3: subscribe to Meditative Story.
3:12
Speaker 2: That is Meditative Story and listen to Robin's episode.
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Speaker 3: I think you'll come away with a deeper understanding about
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Speaker 3: self doubt, which we all face from time to time.
3:24
Speaker 2: Make sure you're.
3:25
Speaker 3: Following along with Hurdle. Over at Hurdle Podcast. I am
3:28
Speaker 3: over at Emily a body. Subscribe to our new SMS
3:32
Speaker 3: texting subscription by texting the word welcome to seven three
3:36
Speaker 3: too Hurdler. That is seven three two Hurdler, And don't
3:40
Speaker 3: forget to check out the details surrounding our new membership.
3:45
Speaker 2: Information on all of this is in the show notes.
3:49
Speaker 2: With that, let's get to Hurdling today.
4:03
Speaker 3: I'm sitting down with the Yasmin Cheyenne. She is a
4:06
Speaker 3: self healing expert. She's the host of the Sugar Jar podcast.
4:10
Speaker 3: How you doing today?
4:12
Speaker 4: Good? How are you? Thanks for having me?
4:14
Speaker 2: Oh my god, thanks for joining me.
4:16
Speaker 3: I am admittedly kind of on cloud nine because full disclosure,
4:21
Speaker 3: this is the first week of a new season of
4:24
Speaker 3: the show, and I felt really passionately about talking a
4:30
Speaker 3: little personal wellness, self like just taking care of self
4:36
Speaker 3: this week. And so this is why I'm so excited
4:39
Speaker 3: to sit down with you, because we're here today to
4:42
Speaker 3: talk about boundaries, among many, many things, which is so
4:45
Speaker 3: so important.
4:47
Speaker 1: Yes, boundaries is everything. It's like the foundation of how
4:52
Speaker 1: we should be interacting in relationships anyway, with ourselves and others.
4:57
Speaker 2: It's so true. It's so true.
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Speaker 3: So before we start talking about how to set healthy boundaries,
5:03
Speaker 3: why don't you give the hurdlers, as I love to
5:06
Speaker 3: call my audience, a little insight into how you became
5:10
Speaker 3: a self healing expert, and you know, beyond that, I
5:13
Speaker 3: know you're also an advocate for mental wellness.
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Speaker 2: So talk to me how you got into this word.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think that, like many people, my
5:24
Speaker 1: journey started with my own my own healing journey, but
5:28
Speaker 1: actually when I was on active duty in the military,
5:31
Speaker 1: I was working with victims of crime, domestic violence, you know, assault,
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Speaker 1: all kinds of really tough crimes and experiences for people.
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Speaker 4: To go through.
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Speaker 1: And while I was doing that, I realized that they
5:47
Speaker 1: weren't really being given anything that would help them in
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Speaker 1: terms of their healing. And that's when I really started
5:54
Speaker 1: to begin to get curious about, like, why are we
5:56
Speaker 1: doing more? Why am I just giving them these forms
5:59
Speaker 1: to file? You know, how are they going to pay
6:01
Speaker 1: for therapy? Like we're not giving them money for like
6:04
Speaker 1: all of these things start to occur to me, and
6:06
Speaker 1: that's when I really begin to say, Okay, well if.
6:10
Speaker 1: And it's also where I started my introduction to trauma
6:13
Speaker 1: because I realized I thought trauma was something that only happened,
6:17
Speaker 1: you know. I didn't understand that trauma was something that
6:19
Speaker 1: we could all experience. And so that's when I began
6:22
Speaker 1: to dive into my own healing journey. Because nothing will
6:28
Speaker 1: introduce you or invite you to do your own healing
6:31
Speaker 1: like helping people heal, even though I wasn't doing or
6:35
Speaker 1: facilitating work the way that I do today. And yeah,
6:37
Speaker 1: that's how I kind of got into it like almost
6:41
Speaker 1: fifteen years ago.
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Speaker 3: Now, Wow, so much to unpack here. Talk to us
6:45
Speaker 3: a little bit about your military service.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I served on active duty in the
6:51
Speaker 1: Air Force for five years on active duty, five years reserve.
6:56
Speaker 1: But when I was on active duty, I was in
6:59
Speaker 1: the legal the apartment A lot of people know, it's
7:01
Speaker 1: called Jack like the TV show from like twenty years
7:03
Speaker 1: ago or something. And I didn't have a traditional military experience.
7:09
Speaker 1: Because of that, I again a certain and I always
7:14
Speaker 1: I will always, I will always say that I didn't
7:16
Speaker 1: have a traditional military experience because I really didn't belong there.
7:19
Speaker 1: I was always trying to find a way to ben
7:22
Speaker 1: the rules, break the rules. We shouldn't be doing things
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Speaker 1: like this. This doesn't make sense. We should be helping people.
7:26
Speaker 1: We should So I didn't really fit. But I you know,
7:30
Speaker 1: when I was in legal, I getting the opportunity to
7:34
Speaker 1: prosecute and do things like that. That victim advocacy two
7:37
Speaker 1: years really changed everything for me. I knew I had
7:39
Speaker 1: to get out. I knew I was in a wrong place.
7:41
Speaker 1: I didn't know what I was going to be doing,
7:43
Speaker 1: but I definitely knew that what I was doing was
7:46
Speaker 1: not it.
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Speaker 2: Wow, and where were you stationed for this.
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Speaker 1: I was stationed in Georgia. But you know, I've been
7:52
Speaker 1: all over I've you know, been all over the US.
7:54
Speaker 1: I've deployed, And so I think doing something like that
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Speaker 1: so young, leaving you know, I'm from Brooklyn, So leaving
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Speaker 1: Brooklyn so young, doing something like that, Being from New York,
8:04
Speaker 1: you think that like you really have a grasp on
8:07
Speaker 1: the world because it's such a there's so much happening
8:12
Speaker 1: in New York and in Brooklyn, and you get access
8:14
Speaker 1: to so many different kinds of people. And leaving New
8:17
Speaker 1: York was when I realized, oh wow, so actually the
8:19
Speaker 1: rest of the United States is more in common than
8:22
Speaker 1: anything that's happening in New York. And it's where I
8:25
Speaker 1: really begin to, you know, experience other things, other people
8:28
Speaker 1: at other places, and which is such an important part
8:31
Speaker 1: of the work that.
8:32
Speaker 4: I do today.
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Speaker 3: You mentioned feeling as though you know, things should have
8:37
Speaker 3: been a different way. What inspired you to get into
8:40
Speaker 3: that line of work to begin with.
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Speaker 1: Well, you know, joining the military was really I'm nineteen,
8:48
Speaker 1: I'm not in college. I want to do something with
8:50
Speaker 1: my life. It was a very like I'm at the
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Speaker 1: mall and there's a recruiter's office.
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Speaker 4: Let's go in.
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Speaker 1: Like you know, I was much, very much a risk,
9:00
Speaker 1: and I just went in signed up, and like a
9:02
Speaker 1: month later I left. I didn't really understand what I
9:07
Speaker 1: was doing or signing up for, and just think, goodness,
9:11
Speaker 1: I got into a career field where I was able
9:15
Speaker 1: to actually do something that I feel was really impactful
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Speaker 1: to people.
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Speaker 2: Something to double click on.
9:22
Speaker 3: You said that before, which really resonated with me as
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Speaker 3: a person who's also made it her mission to help others.
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Speaker 3: Is the idea that you don't truly truly dive into
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Speaker 3: your own healing until you're trying to help others do
9:37
Speaker 3: the same. For you, when you started to get into
9:41
Speaker 3: this line of work, did you start to realize truly
9:45
Speaker 3: a lot of the trauma that you hadn't really focused
9:48
Speaker 3: on in your past.
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Speaker 1: No, you know, so I actually kind of did the reverse,
9:55
Speaker 1: So I didn't do any real facilitating until I felt
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Speaker 1: like I was strong enough to hold space. I talk
10:03
Speaker 1: about this sometimes, but I feel like and there is
10:06
Speaker 1: no point of being fully healed. There is no point
10:09
Speaker 1: of being fully on the other side. But there is
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Speaker 1: a point when you're a facilitator or healing work that
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Speaker 1: you should be able to hold space for people, be
10:16
Speaker 1: present to people, be aware of your own triggers, not project,
10:21
Speaker 1: and be fully present for the person's experience. And so
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Speaker 1: a lot of that work that I needed to do
10:28
Speaker 1: to be able to do that I did before I
10:30
Speaker 1: started holding space for others. But to also answer your question,
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Speaker 1: there are times where I am facilitating or doing one
10:38
Speaker 1: on one sessions or writing my book like I'm doing
10:41
Speaker 1: doing right now, where I recognize, wow, you know this,
10:47
Speaker 1: just this has unpacked a whole nother layer that I
10:51
Speaker 1: wasn't even aware of, And I'm thankful to be able
10:55
Speaker 1: to hold that for myself until afterwards, and then you know,
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Speaker 1: unpack it with myself, for with my own therapist, et cetera.
11:02
Speaker 3: I think that the natural first question that someone has
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Speaker 3: when they hear, you know, a designation like a self
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Speaker 3: healing expert, is well, what makes you an expert? So
11:12
Speaker 3: before we start to preach on boundaries, let's get some
11:17
Speaker 3: more context to that.
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Speaker 1: So, yeah, so I started teaching self healing ten years ago,
11:28
Speaker 1: and what I was doing was actually, it's a funny story.
11:32
Speaker 1: So when I recognized that I wanted to do healing,
11:35
Speaker 1: I knew that I wanted to help people feel better,
11:37
Speaker 1: and I imagine that that would be through clothes, and
11:40
Speaker 1: so I became a stylist and I did that for
11:42
Speaker 1: a couple of years. But in my styling sessions, we
11:47
Speaker 1: never talked about clothes. They were always about the it's
11:50
Speaker 1: because it's never about the clothes, and it's never about
11:52
Speaker 1: the makeup, and it's never about any of that stuff.
11:55
Speaker 1: But we would talk about the feelings and the societal
11:58
Speaker 1: norms and all of the things that led to people
12:01
Speaker 1: feeling this way. And that's when I really begin to
12:03
Speaker 1: get my certifications. Go through my own excursions, everything from
12:07
Speaker 1: legitimate in a classroom learning how to facilitate, to the
12:12
Speaker 1: middle of Mount Shasta excursions and all kinds of woo
12:17
Speaker 1: woo things that I've done to explore what self healing
12:23
Speaker 1: could be like. And through all of those things, all
12:26
Speaker 1: of those trainings my college educate, you know, everything, I
12:30
Speaker 1: begin to build self healing frameworks, which basically means teaching
12:35
Speaker 1: people how to be able to access healing for themselves.
12:38
Speaker 1: Almost I don't know how many students later, maybe even
12:43
Speaker 1: seventy thousand people I've been able to My work has
12:45
Speaker 1: been able to reach one hundred thousand people I don't know,
12:48
Speaker 1: you know, probably more than that. I'm probably being modest,
12:50
Speaker 1: but having people come back to me and share with me,
12:54
Speaker 1: I finally feel like I can journal because I thought
12:56
Speaker 1: that I had to do it this way. I finally
12:59
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people are afraid to go
13:01
Speaker 1: to therapy because they don't even know how to have
13:03
Speaker 1: those internal conversations with themselves. First, what am I even
13:06
Speaker 1: going to therapy to talk about? My life is fine?
13:09
Speaker 1: You know, things are a little bit messed up, or
13:11
Speaker 1: things are a little bit this. But if I, you know,
13:13
Speaker 1: if I quit my job and find a new job,
13:14
Speaker 1: everything will be fine. Or you know, if my boyfriend
13:16
Speaker 1: will finally start doing what I need them to do,
13:18
Speaker 1: things will be fine, or if I you know, there's
13:21
Speaker 1: no grasp. And what I think is the reason I
13:23
Speaker 1: think self healing is so important and the reason why
13:26
Speaker 1: I teach it and I actually can call myself an
13:27
Speaker 1: expert until someone else did, is that I think it's
13:32
Speaker 1: important for people to have that self awareness and self
13:36
Speaker 1: inquiry before we can even start the process. And I'm
13:41
Speaker 1: honored to be doing this part of the work that
13:43
Speaker 1: gives them the invitation to explore all of the other
13:46
Speaker 1: areas of wellness and healing.
13:47
Speaker 3: How many people can relate to what you just also said,
13:50
Speaker 3: which is I didn't even call myself an expert until
13:52
Speaker 3: somebody else did. Because again, it's that like in Pastor
13:55
Speaker 3: Cendra moment, right, It's like you literally just listed off
13:59
Speaker 3: so many things you from schooling to legitimate expeditions, yet
14:04
Speaker 3: you needed someone else to just like pop in and
14:07
Speaker 3: validate that you're doing pretty good at what you want
14:09
Speaker 3: to do.
14:10
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, isn't that the truth? You know?
14:12
Speaker 1: I think that I don't struggle as much with imposter
14:15
Speaker 1: syndrome now, but I definitely felt like, you know, I
14:19
Speaker 1: just wanted to make sure that I was focusing on
14:22
Speaker 1: what I was doing in the teaching, and I didn't
14:24
Speaker 1: want to, you know, put expert on the end of it.
14:26
Speaker 1: It felt, and I think it's important to just talk
14:28
Speaker 1: about it. I'm glad you you mentioned that, because when
14:31
Speaker 1: we do work, and when we dedicate decades years of
14:35
Speaker 1: our lives to learning how to teach, and we actually
14:39
Speaker 1: have the proof to show that we are good at
14:43
Speaker 1: what we're doing, we should honor that and step into it.
14:47
Speaker 1: And there's there's such especially for women and especially for
14:52
Speaker 1: black I'm a black woman, so there's often this, well,
14:55
Speaker 1: I don't want to be too you know much, or
14:58
Speaker 1: I want to stay humble, or I don't want to overstep,
15:02
Speaker 1: and it's like no overstep, Like no, just step into it,
15:06
Speaker 1: be grounded, stand in firm and who you are and
15:08
Speaker 1: what you do. And I think that's important too.
15:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I can totally relate to it, because
15:15
Speaker 3: only recently did I start referring to myself I would
15:18
Speaker 3: say as a wellness expert. I also have a personal
15:21
Speaker 3: training certification, a RT Coach Certificational Level one Precision Nutrition certification.
15:25
Speaker 2: I've been writing and editing health.
15:27
Speaker 3: And wellness content for the better part of a decade now,
15:30
Speaker 3: Like I've been doing the work. But I agree it's
15:34
Speaker 3: difficult sometimes to step into that because you want to
15:38
Speaker 3: keep that humbleness right. But it's almost it kind of
15:42
Speaker 3: reminds me of this idea that you can be kind
15:45
Speaker 3: and firm, you know what I mean, Like you can
15:47
Speaker 3: be a good person but also firm and who you
15:49
Speaker 3: are and not need to let people perhaps push your boundaries,
15:55
Speaker 3: which is what we're about to get into here. So yes,
15:59
Speaker 3: I can totally, I can totally relate to where you're
16:01
Speaker 3: coming from full circle moment back to boundaries. So I
16:07
Speaker 3: have listened to you speak a bit about this on
16:10
Speaker 3: the Sugar Jar podcast.
16:11
Speaker 2: How long have you been podcasting?
16:13
Speaker 1: I have been podcasting. I just start last year. I
16:17
Speaker 1: used to do a lot of episodes, and after doing
16:20
Speaker 1: episodes with others, they would say, you need to do
16:22
Speaker 1: your own podcast.
16:23
Speaker 2: So I love that for you. I had the pleasure
16:27
Speaker 2: just like I know that you have.
16:28
Speaker 3: And I saw that you were on her show as
16:30
Speaker 3: well to chat with Alex l and I mean talk
16:32
Speaker 3: about some really beautiful work that she does as well
16:35
Speaker 3: as the work that you do.
16:36
Speaker 2: It was really awesome to hear the two of you connect.
16:39
Speaker 4: She's an amazing friend. I love Alex.
16:42
Speaker 2: Yeah for sure, for sure.
16:43
Speaker 3: So, Okay, boundaries, why don't we start by why don't
16:47
Speaker 3: we start by giving a loose definition of boundaries?
16:51
Speaker 1: So my definition of boundaries is boundaries are the rules
16:56
Speaker 1: or regulations or standards that we put in place that
17:00
Speaker 1: basically form the idea of how I interact with this person, place,
17:07
Speaker 1: or thing, this commitment, or myself. So boundaries are what
17:12
Speaker 1: is okay what is not okay? And then boundaries need
17:16
Speaker 1: to be a verb, meaning there has to be action
17:19
Speaker 1: taken for the boundary to exist. So you can't have
17:23
Speaker 1: a boundary imaginarily in your head. You can't have a
17:26
Speaker 1: boundary that you think about and you think people should
17:29
Speaker 1: just know what it is, unless it's like touching your
17:31
Speaker 1: hair or touching your body without your permission, like people
17:33
Speaker 1: should just know that's not okay. And so that's the
17:36
Speaker 1: definition of boundaries and the reason why I mentioned that
17:39
Speaker 1: part where it needs to be a verb needs to
17:41
Speaker 1: be action because unless you advocate for the boundary, unless
17:44
Speaker 1: you share it, either by your actions or by the
17:48
Speaker 1: way that you communicate it to others or yourself, then
17:52
Speaker 1: they don't exist. So, for example, if you don't want
17:55
Speaker 1: to pick up your phone after seven o'clock because you
17:57
Speaker 1: want to go to bed early, you can set a
17:59
Speaker 1: boundary where you do not disturb on your phone. You
18:02
Speaker 1: don't have to tell everyone in your context lists that
18:04
Speaker 1: you're going to bed early. Now, the boundary is the
18:07
Speaker 1: do not disturb. You have to enforce it by not
18:10
Speaker 1: answering your text after seven o'clock. That's an uncommunicated boundary.
18:15
Speaker 1: A communicated boundary is something like, hey, don't wear shoes
18:18
Speaker 1: in my house.
18:20
Speaker 3: I only recently started enforcing this boundary in my new apartment.
18:25
Speaker 3: And let me tell you what I learned about this
18:27
Speaker 3: is it is monumental. I have a white part in
18:30
Speaker 3: my carpet in my living room, and I was so
18:32
Speaker 3: hesitant to buy the carpet because I thought, oh my goodness,
18:35
Speaker 3: this is going to be dirty within a month.
18:37
Speaker 2: What am I doing?
18:38
Speaker 3: It is still white and it's been four months. Anyway,
18:42
Speaker 3: this is not what we're here to talk about. Why
18:45
Speaker 3: I think the next I mean, now that we've defined boundaries,
18:48
Speaker 3: talk to me about why having boundaries is essential for
18:52
Speaker 3: self care.
18:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, or for healing or for wellness or to feel good.
18:57
Speaker 1: Boundaries are essential. They're they're what I call the foundation
19:00
Speaker 1: of healing. Without boundaries, the house doesn't stand. So if
19:04
Speaker 1: you are in a relationship where there are no boundaries,
19:07
Speaker 1: then people are able to take from you. People are
19:10
Speaker 1: able to and again this is with your permission. This
19:12
Speaker 1: is the key. When you don't have boundaries in place,
19:15
Speaker 1: It's not that people are necessarily taking advantage of you.
19:19
Speaker 1: You have not said no, so they believe the answer
19:23
Speaker 1: is yes because you have not said anything. So with
19:26
Speaker 1: your permission, people have access to you. Or maybe you
19:29
Speaker 1: are saying yes, giving money, giving time, giving resources without
19:35
Speaker 1: with the knowing that you don't want to be doing it,
19:37
Speaker 1: but you feel like you should be doing it, or
19:39
Speaker 1: you feel like that's what a good person would do,
19:41
Speaker 1: or this is what a good daughter would do, a
19:42
Speaker 1: good partner. Of all of these societal norms that we
19:47
Speaker 1: have bought into that keep us from living fully in
19:50
Speaker 1: our alignment, in our truth, that keep us from doing
19:54
Speaker 1: what we want to actually be doing. So boundaries without boundaries,
19:59
Speaker 1: we're most like in relationships where we give too much,
20:01
Speaker 1: where we share too much, where we are giving more
20:04
Speaker 1: of ourselves than we have access to, and when we
20:07
Speaker 1: do that, we don't have enough left for ourselves. So
20:09
Speaker 1: self care cannot exist. When boundaries don't exist, you won't
20:14
Speaker 1: have time for it. It's just, unfortunately the truth. And
20:18
Speaker 1: so when people, you know, when I have clients share
20:20
Speaker 1: with me, you know I don't have time for self care.
20:25
Speaker 1: You don't have boundaries, most likely is what is happening,
20:29
Speaker 1: or you said yes or over committed yourself to things.
20:31
Speaker 1: And sometimes it's not even about people around you. Sometimes
20:34
Speaker 1: it's like I have a goal. I want to accomplish
20:36
Speaker 1: all of these things by the time I'm thirty five,
20:38
Speaker 1: I've moved the age up as I age forty. I
20:41
Speaker 1: want to accomplish all these things by this certain age,
20:44
Speaker 1: and so I over commit myself because I'm trying to
20:47
Speaker 1: reach this goal. When I nactuality, I'm exhausted, I'm drained,
20:52
Speaker 1: I'm unhappy. And boundaries help us to still go for
20:57
Speaker 1: those goals, still have commitments, still have and have family,
21:01
Speaker 1: people in our lives, have a life. But to have
21:03
Speaker 1: an actual life where we feel good on a regular basis,
21:08
Speaker 1: You're still going to have ups and downs with boundaries.
21:10
Speaker 1: Life is not going to be a fairy tale with boundaries,
21:13
Speaker 1: but you will at least have access and awareness of
21:16
Speaker 1: what you're saying yes and no to and why. And
21:19
Speaker 1: another thing too that boundaries helps us to not carry
21:22
Speaker 1: is resentment. So many of us are carrying resentment and
21:24
Speaker 1: anger because we're doing things that we feel we should
21:28
Speaker 1: be doing that we don't want to be doing, and
21:30
Speaker 1: boundaries is a way to second like, check yourself, why
21:34
Speaker 1: am I saying yes to this?
21:37
Speaker 3: Yeah?
21:37
Speaker 2: Check yourself. It's interesting.
21:39
Speaker 3: I mean, you gave the practical example before about the
21:43
Speaker 3: boundary of the do not disturb and shutting your phone
21:46
Speaker 3: down at seven o'clock at night. I got a question
21:49
Speaker 3: not all that long ago from heard a listener and
21:53
Speaker 3: she was saying that she was having a difficult time
21:56
Speaker 3: in her friendships and relationships because she is training for
22:00
Speaker 3: a marathon and it seems as though all of her
22:03
Speaker 3: friends don't seem to understand how important this is to her,
22:06
Speaker 3: why she can't be out and about all the time.
22:09
Speaker 2: And I message her back.
22:11
Speaker 3: We actually had a really beautiful discussion about boundaries and
22:14
Speaker 3: about how it can be really important for her in
22:18
Speaker 3: that situation. Reatter to them how important it is for
22:21
Speaker 3: her to have them in her life, but she just
22:24
Speaker 3: needs to do it in a different way at this time.
22:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, in situations like that where I have not ran
22:31
Speaker 1: a marathon. I've ran a half, but even that was exhausting.
22:34
Speaker 1: I can imagine the amount of training and time commitment.
22:38
Speaker 1: So she set the boundary. The boundary is I am
22:41
Speaker 1: training for a marathon, and so I don't have a
22:42
Speaker 1: lot of time for other things right now. And the
22:45
Speaker 1: hard part about boundaries is, of course, the enforcing them,
22:48
Speaker 1: the conversations like why can't you come out and drink,
22:50
Speaker 1: why can't you come to the party, Why can't you
22:52
Speaker 1: do this thing, and so that's usually the part of
22:56
Speaker 1: boundaries that causes people to use a Spades term renig to,
23:02
Speaker 1: you know, to want to come back and say, well,
23:05
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I
23:07
Speaker 1: don't want to make my friends uncomfortable, or I don't
23:09
Speaker 1: want to be uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable in the guilt that
23:12
Speaker 1: I feel about how you feel about me having these boundaries.
23:16
Speaker 1: So maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm doing too much, And
23:19
Speaker 1: we begin to second guests choosing ourselves or choosing what
23:22
Speaker 1: matters to us because someone's a little bit uncomfortable about
23:27
Speaker 1: the way that we're choosing to live our lives. And
23:29
Speaker 1: that's the dance that we are in with boundaries, constantly
23:34
Speaker 1: having to come back to ourselves and say, like, am
23:36
Speaker 1: I actually overreacting about wanting to go to sleep early
23:39
Speaker 1: so that I can run in the morning. No, Like,
23:42
Speaker 1: is this going to be something that's uncomfortable for them
23:44
Speaker 1: because there's a change and a shift. Absolutely? Can I
23:48
Speaker 1: reassure them that our relationship still matters to me?
23:51
Speaker 4: Yes?
23:52
Speaker 1: Is it my work to help them on the journey
23:55
Speaker 1: of their discomfort about me running this marathon?
23:59
Speaker 4: Absolutely not.
24:00
Speaker 1: That's something that they need to work through why I
24:02
Speaker 1: feel the way I feel about my friend doing this thing,
24:07
Speaker 1: and it's it's it's a That's an example that you know,
24:11
Speaker 1: people think boundaries are only for the big things and
24:13
Speaker 1: for everything, the big things, the things that seem little,
24:16
Speaker 1: the things that we consider to be little. That's something
24:18
Speaker 1: that someone might think I'm overreacting. It matters to you,
24:22
Speaker 1: and that's all that matters, is that it matters to you.
24:30
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26:05
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26:19
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26:23
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26:28
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26:31
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26:38
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26:41
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27:10
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27:20
Speaker 3: The Raspberry salt you might be hooked on first sip
27:32
Speaker 3: and something else you said before the phrase, well what
27:35
Speaker 3: would a good person do? That can be just like
27:38
Speaker 3: so damning right, And I don't mean to just like
27:41
Speaker 3: be that blunt about it, but it could be something
27:43
Speaker 3: as simple as perhaps someone that you've needed to create
27:47
Speaker 3: a boundary in your life you haven't spoken in quite
27:50
Speaker 3: some time, and then their birthday rolls around and it's
27:53
Speaker 3: like talk about the birthday boundary, Like do you say
27:57
Speaker 3: happy birthday?
27:57
Speaker 2: Is this good for your self? Care. Is this good
27:59
Speaker 2: for your wellness?
28:00
Speaker 3: I feel like there are so many instances in life
28:02
Speaker 3: where you might not want this person to think that
28:05
Speaker 3: you don't want to celebrate them, But that doesn't mean
28:07
Speaker 3: that it's good for your mental well being, right.
28:10
Speaker 1: I honestly always ask myself and share with clients or
28:13
Speaker 1: I'm facilitating, Like if I have to go back and
28:16
Speaker 1: forth in my head, if I'm feeling anxiety about even texting, calling,
28:22
Speaker 1: I have to prepare myself physically and mentally for a text,
28:27
Speaker 1: that is the answer. The answer is this is I'm uncomfortable.
28:30
Speaker 1: I don't want to do this, amen, And it's like
28:34
Speaker 1: you yet they may think, they may think you're not
28:37
Speaker 1: a quote unquote good person.
28:40
Speaker 4: Is it true? You know?
28:41
Speaker 1: Sometimes we have to do this, you know, like what
28:43
Speaker 1: I call fact checking ourselves, Like is it actually true
28:45
Speaker 1: that I'm not a good person? Or have I learned
28:48
Speaker 1: over time that the way that we are in relationship
28:52
Speaker 1: with each other is not helpful to my mental health?
28:55
Speaker 1: And I am now taking care of myself that.
28:57
Speaker 2: You are speaking to my soul, speaking to myself.
29:01
Speaker 3: Okay, So I mean we've talked about just now, we've
29:04
Speaker 3: wrapped about the importance of boundaries. But as we're kind
29:08
Speaker 3: of getting into here, the practice of establishing and up
29:12
Speaker 3: keeping them can be quite difficult.
29:15
Speaker 2: So let's jam on that.
29:18
Speaker 3: How does at first someone even begin to articulate their boundaries.
29:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's probably the hardest part, and I
29:27
Speaker 1: always suggest starting with self boundaries. Self boundaries are the
29:31
Speaker 1: boundaries we set with ourselves, the way that we take
29:34
Speaker 1: care of ourselves. If I say I'm going to do
29:36
Speaker 1: this thing. If I'm running the marathon and I know
29:38
Speaker 1: that I need to eat a certain amount or drink
29:40
Speaker 1: enough water or whatever, that's a boundary. Am I doing
29:44
Speaker 1: those things that I said that I'm going to do
29:46
Speaker 1: for myself?
29:47
Speaker 4: With myself?
29:49
Speaker 1: If I said I'm going to go to sleep at
29:50
Speaker 1: a certain time, am I following that boundary? If I
29:52
Speaker 1: said I'm not going to drink or I'm gonna only
29:55
Speaker 1: have one drink, whatever it is, am I am I
29:57
Speaker 1: following what I said with myself. And the reason why
29:59
Speaker 1: that's so is because it's hard to set boundaries externally.
30:04
Speaker 1: It's hard to have that communicative conversation externally when we
30:09
Speaker 1: aren't having those conversations with ourselves internally. So I don't
30:13
Speaker 1: even know what I'm actually advocating for I know I'm uncomfortable.
30:16
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say about why I'm uncomfortable.
30:21
Speaker 1: And when we have that internally, you know, when we
30:23
Speaker 1: start to talk to her, I'm uncomfortable because I haven't
30:25
Speaker 1: drink water. While I didn't drink water because I worked
30:28
Speaker 1: past my alarm, you know, we begin to recognize, oh,
30:30
Speaker 1: that's what that uncomfort is. Because in the beginning, the
30:34
Speaker 1: discomfort just feels like sometimes anger or exhaustion or resentment
30:41
Speaker 1: or projection. We don't actually know what it is until
30:46
Speaker 1: we start to have that self awareness, which is why
30:49
Speaker 1: I feel like that's where the self healing helps us
30:51
Speaker 1: to build that muscle to say, oh, I need to
30:56
Speaker 1: set this boundary with myself. I probably also need to
30:58
Speaker 1: set this boundary with others. And in the practice, like
31:02
Speaker 1: you were sharing or are asking, we don't always have
31:05
Speaker 1: to communicate our boundaries. We don't always have to say, hey,
31:08
Speaker 1: can I sit down with you because I have a
31:10
Speaker 1: new boundary, like I really didn't want to buy this carpet,
31:13
Speaker 1: but I really wanted this carpet, and so you know,
31:16
Speaker 1: we don't have to have that conversation. It's like, hey,
31:18
Speaker 1: if you want to come inside, you have to take
31:19
Speaker 1: your shoes off, Like why is I mean, it's kind
31:24
Speaker 1: of you know, it could be common sense for some,
31:29
Speaker 1: but sometimes we're just sharing what the boundary is, right.
31:33
Speaker 1: We don't have to communicate or explain is a better way.
31:35
Speaker 1: We don't have to explain why it's important for this
31:37
Speaker 1: to happen. But then there are other boundaries where or
31:40
Speaker 1: practicing boundaries where if you're in a romantic relationship with
31:43
Speaker 1: your partner, you might have to say, hey, this is
31:45
Speaker 1: why I'm setting this boundary. You might have to have
31:47
Speaker 1: those tough conversations with kids, with parents, with people that
31:50
Speaker 1: you're in interpersonal relationships with. And so beginning to parse
31:55
Speaker 1: all of that out starts with the self, what do
31:58
Speaker 1: I need and how can I give it to myself?
32:01
Speaker 4: First, first, and foremost?
32:03
Speaker 3: And I almost feel like you could even dial this
32:06
Speaker 3: back one more layer because this practice of establishing your
32:10
Speaker 3: boundary boundaries and articulating what's important to you.
32:14
Speaker 2: Also likely stems from your personal values.
32:16
Speaker 3: Right, so being able to sit down and articulate what
32:20
Speaker 3: it is in your life that is of importance to you,
32:22
Speaker 3: where you do want to, you know, give and donate
32:25
Speaker 3: your energy and really focus on absolutely.
32:28
Speaker 1: I mean that's where the sugar jar concept comes from
32:31
Speaker 1: that I teach from. Like you look at your jar.
32:34
Speaker 1: You know, the jar, the glass jar itself is is you,
32:38
Speaker 1: is your boundaries. The sugar is your energy, your time,
32:41
Speaker 1: your money, all of the things that you can give
32:44
Speaker 1: or exchange. And then the lid is the permission. When
32:49
Speaker 1: you take the lid off, people can come in and
32:50
Speaker 1: have access to you. When you put the lid back on,
32:53
Speaker 1: they don't have access. Many of us have our jar
32:57
Speaker 1: in a kitchen where people are just roaming in and
32:58
Speaker 1: out taking out sugar. There's sugar all over the place,
33:01
Speaker 1: and you know, like our energy, like our time, like
33:04
Speaker 1: our money. When sugar spills, it's you're not going to
33:08
Speaker 1: get all of it back, right, So then we're having
33:10
Speaker 1: to fill ourselves back up. But it's hard to keep
33:13
Speaker 1: your jar full if people are just coming in and out,
33:16
Speaker 1: you know, constantly using it for whatever. So you have
33:19
Speaker 1: to put your lid on. But in order to put
33:22
Speaker 1: your lid on, you have to know your lid is off.
33:24
Speaker 1: You have to know that it's you and it's it's
33:28
Speaker 1: I think the values are important, but I notice that
33:32
Speaker 1: the val this is just in my experience with clients
33:36
Speaker 1: that that doesn't come until they start to say no.
33:38
Speaker 1: That that usually doesn't click until they start to they
33:41
Speaker 1: know they're uncomfortable, and I'm like, hey, I actually don't.
33:43
Speaker 1: It could be something like a birthday party. I don't
33:44
Speaker 1: want to go to that birthday party, not because I
33:47
Speaker 1: don't love them, but because I have worked tomorrow or whatever.
33:51
Speaker 1: And then when they say the no, when they do
33:53
Speaker 1: the first, the first time, they advocate for themselves, and
33:57
Speaker 1: maybe they get that projection or that pushback or whatever
33:59
Speaker 1: it is that they get from that person. If they
34:01
Speaker 1: get the yes, I understand, girl, I'm so happy for you,
34:04
Speaker 1: then it's like, oh my god, you know I said
34:08
Speaker 1: a boundary and their prow for me. That has happened
34:10
Speaker 1: maybe twice, and all of the people.
34:13
Speaker 2: Oh damn, you were giving them so much like this
34:16
Speaker 2: could happen to me.
34:17
Speaker 1: It definitely happens with people that you are in relationship
34:21
Speaker 1: with who are also doing their own work.
34:22
Speaker 3: I was gonna say that understand who you are and
34:25
Speaker 3: appreciate you and like your well being. It's that idea like, well,
34:28
Speaker 3: they have to kill your cup up first so that
34:30
Speaker 3: you could you have to fill up your own sugar
34:31
Speaker 3: jars so that you can like, you know, it's.
34:34
Speaker 1: People who are taking care of their own sugar jars
34:36
Speaker 1: and taking care of themselves. It's not even about you,
34:39
Speaker 1: Like if they're taking care of themselves, and they can
34:41
Speaker 1: also understand someone else taking care of themselves if they're
34:44
Speaker 1: not getting care of themselves and they're like, what do
34:46
Speaker 1: you mean you need time for yourself? But yeah, once
34:48
Speaker 1: they say that no and they get that pushback or
34:51
Speaker 1: that projection or that that trigger, then they recognize, oh,
34:55
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with this. Why am I uncomfortable with this?
34:57
Speaker 1: Because I'm uncomfortable with sending you know, So what do
34:59
Speaker 1: I need?
35:00
Speaker 4: Oh?
35:00
Speaker 1: I need to be in relationships with people who understand
35:02
Speaker 1: that I'm going to say no. Sometimes that's like the
35:04
Speaker 1: value building the understanding starts.
35:07
Speaker 4: To click together.
35:09
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, because when we talked about.
35:11
Speaker 1: Usually think their values are I serve, I show it
35:15
Speaker 1: for my friends, I care for people, I'm a good person,
35:17
Speaker 1: I'm a kind person, I'm the strong person.
35:20
Speaker 4: Whatever.
35:21
Speaker 3: So we've talked about the importance of establishing your values
35:24
Speaker 3: and the importance of starting these conversations with yourself first.
35:27
Speaker 3: When it comes to setting boundaries. We've talked about also
35:30
Speaker 3: how it can be difficult to implement these when it
35:33
Speaker 3: comes to bringing other people into the mix. So do
35:35
Speaker 3: you have any perhaps tips to help the hurdlers get
35:40
Speaker 3: to that stage.
35:41
Speaker 4: Yeah.
35:42
Speaker 1: So, once you've started setting boundaries with yourself, you recognize, Okay,
35:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to set some boundaries with people
35:47
Speaker 1: in my life. It's really important to begin to be
35:52
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about who you're dealing with. That's the
35:54
Speaker 1: first place that we start in our dream mind. In
35:58
Speaker 1: our dream scenario, every single person will be a static
36:03
Speaker 1: that we're putting a lid on our jar, that we're
36:05
Speaker 1: setting boundaries, that we're not giving all of ourselves away anymore.
36:09
Speaker 1: But unfortunately, a lot of people that were in relationship with,
36:11
Speaker 1: even people who love us, even people who are family,
36:14
Speaker 1: even people we have children with, all of them enjoy
36:18
Speaker 1: the parts of us that are boundaryless, and so it
36:23
Speaker 1: can feel for them sometimes like it can create an
36:27
Speaker 1: energy of defensiveness. Why don't you want to continue to
36:31
Speaker 1: overgive to me? And so what you have to begin
36:35
Speaker 1: to ask yourself before you set these boundaries es with
36:39
Speaker 1: people is do I have any evidence that this is
36:41
Speaker 1: someone who may not be able to handle this conversation.
36:46
Speaker 1: For example, are they in therapy, are they.
36:49
Speaker 4: Doing their own healing? Do they take care of themselves?
36:53
Speaker 1: Do we already have tense conversations or communications? The reason
36:59
Speaker 1: why some ortant to do this, it's because sometimes even
37:03
Speaker 1: in the relationships that you want to set boundaries in,
37:06
Speaker 1: or that you're hoping that boundaries will make the relationship easier,
37:10
Speaker 1: it's helpful to be honest with yourself about the possibility
37:14
Speaker 1: that these might be relationships that will drastically change when
37:18
Speaker 1: you set boundaries. And what I mean by drastically changes
37:21
Speaker 1: shift in go away, because sometimes boundaries are the deal
37:26
Speaker 1: breaker for relationships. People don't want to be in relationship
37:29
Speaker 1: with you as a boundary person.
37:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
37:33
Speaker 3: And I think that that is obviously where so many
37:36
Speaker 3: people struggle, right the idea of losing someone who at
37:42
Speaker 3: one point in time was very important to you. And
37:46
Speaker 3: it's not that all of a sudden you don't care
37:49
Speaker 3: about their well being, But at times it's like you
37:52
Speaker 3: can only give and give and gifts so much until
37:55
Speaker 3: you realize that you're just hurting yourself in that process.
37:59
Speaker 1: It's so true, and I think why that's the first
38:01
Speaker 1: step is because it can be very jarring and shocking.
38:04
Speaker 1: Sometimes incredibly close people that you thought would be with
38:07
Speaker 1: you forever are the people that those relationships end in.
38:11
Speaker 1: Having that conversation with yourself doesn't make it easier, but
38:13
Speaker 1: it at least prepares you for the possibility that this
38:15
Speaker 1: is something that could happen. And then with the people
38:18
Speaker 1: that you think might be And this is this isn't
38:21
Speaker 1: typing people or projecting onto people or you know, it's
38:24
Speaker 1: just being honest with yourself, like, based on the interactions
38:26
Speaker 1: I've had with them so far, what do I think
38:28
Speaker 1: I'm getting myself into? And then you try the conversation,
38:30
Speaker 1: you say, hey, you know, this is what's going to
38:33
Speaker 1: be happening going forward. This is why again, these are
38:37
Speaker 1: interpersonal relationships where the boundary might affect the relationship to
38:40
Speaker 1: the point where communicating is the healthy and kind and
38:46
Speaker 1: respectful thing to do with someone that you're in relationship with.
38:49
Speaker 1: And then you have the conversation and you know, I
38:52
Speaker 1: just it's it's interesting. You really never know how people
38:56
Speaker 1: are going to react. Sometimes people are very excited for
39:00
Speaker 1: you and want to support you, and sometimes people feel
39:03
Speaker 1: like the simple choosing yourself means that you're not choosing them,
39:09
Speaker 1: and things will shift and change, but ultimately, at the
39:12
Speaker 1: end of the day, reminding yourself that it's still important
39:15
Speaker 1: that you choose yourself. It's still important that you stand
39:19
Speaker 1: strong and firm and the boundaries that matter to you
39:22
Speaker 1: and not begin to second guess yourself now because they're
39:27
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with the boundaries that you've set.
39:30
Speaker 4: And so and again.
39:32
Speaker 1: It can be big or small, but usually it's the
39:35
Speaker 1: small boundaries that really change people. Because the small boundaries
39:40
Speaker 1: like going to bed early, or drinking water or not
39:43
Speaker 1: drinking or not drinking is a big is a big
39:45
Speaker 1: one for you, but for it's like just a social thing.
39:48
Speaker 1: Whatever it is you're choosing for yourself, the small ways
39:51
Speaker 1: in what you're shaping and changing your life, whatever it is,
39:55
Speaker 1: it usually changes the connection that you had with that person.
39:58
Speaker 1: If all you did was go out in club together
40:01
Speaker 1: and now you're training for a marathon, the nature of
40:03
Speaker 1: the relationship has completely shifted, and so I think understanding
40:08
Speaker 1: and having compassion for what that person might be going
40:10
Speaker 1: through as well, but that doesn't have to change what
40:13
Speaker 1: you've chosen for yourself.
40:15
Speaker 3: I think that example of not drinking is actually a
40:18
Speaker 3: really good one to tap into for a second here,
40:21
Speaker 3: because this can be for instance, maybe you just don't
40:24
Speaker 3: want to drink one particular night right like you're still
40:28
Speaker 3: down to go out for dinner, everyone's out, and you
40:30
Speaker 3: have this one friend that says, just have a glass
40:33
Speaker 3: of wine, like just do this one thing, and you
40:35
Speaker 3: stand firm in that, but you leave that interaction feeling
40:39
Speaker 3: a little round the wrong way that this person wasn't
40:41
Speaker 3: really respecting your boundaries.
40:43
Speaker 2: So then my question to you is where's the.
40:46
Speaker 3: Importance of perhaps after the fact, maybe just talking to
40:50
Speaker 3: that person about how that made you feel, and if
40:53
Speaker 3: there is value in doing that so that maybe the
40:55
Speaker 3: next time you don't experience that same altercation perhaps yeah, yeah,
41:00
Speaker 3: you know, I.
41:01
Speaker 1: Name that because that's probably when that comes. Happens all
41:03
Speaker 1: the time, or like have that glass of wine or
41:06
Speaker 1: come on, just take a shot whatever, or and then
41:09
Speaker 1: the comments that come after that, oh you're a prude
41:11
Speaker 1: or whatever they say that makes you you know, they're
41:14
Speaker 1: trying to what is the word.
41:16
Speaker 4: They're trying to pressure you into your.
41:18
Speaker 1: Peer pressure, peer pressure, fear pressure you into We're so
41:22
Speaker 1: good with our boundaries, we don't even know what peer pressure.
41:24
Speaker 2: Is yeah, not one hundred percent tury, but.
41:30
Speaker 1: Facts still working on and always working. But yes, it's
41:35
Speaker 1: important to first have the conversation with yourself. What was
41:38
Speaker 1: I uncomfortable with? Get as clear as possible with yourself
41:42
Speaker 1: about what just happened. That way, you're walking into a
41:45
Speaker 1: conversation instead of an argument. You're walking into a communication
41:49
Speaker 1: instead of a let me tell you about yourself kind
41:53
Speaker 1: of communication. Once you realize what's happening. Who you're talking
41:58
Speaker 1: to again, do that self assessment who am I talking to?
42:00
Speaker 1: If I'm talking to the life of the party, who's
42:01
Speaker 1: always having a glass of wine, then they may not
42:03
Speaker 1: think it's a big deal.
42:04
Speaker 4: They may not understand, and then.
42:06
Speaker 1: You know, have that conversation say hey, I know you
42:09
Speaker 1: just wanted me to have a good time last night,
42:11
Speaker 1: and I know you were just trying to help help
42:12
Speaker 1: me loosen up. But like when I say I don't
42:14
Speaker 1: want to drink, you don't have to worry about it.
42:16
Speaker 4: I'm fine.
42:16
Speaker 1: I was having a great time, right And remember that
42:19
Speaker 1: the point is not to teach them. Listen, when I
42:22
Speaker 1: set a boundary, you're going to honor it because you
42:24
Speaker 1: know you're not their therapist. You're not their parent, you're
42:27
Speaker 1: not their school teacher. You're just advocating for yourself. And
42:30
Speaker 1: then if it happens again, then you can make a
42:34
Speaker 1: decision right there in the moment. I mean, I think
42:36
Speaker 1: there's a time and a place sometimes to definitely check
42:40
Speaker 1: people in the moment and say I said I'm good, yeah,
42:42
Speaker 1: and then that's it.
42:43
Speaker 3: This would be one of those instances that I would
42:45
Speaker 3: remind myself or ask myself, what is it that I'm
42:48
Speaker 3: hoping to get out of this conversation before I go
42:51
Speaker 3: into it. I ask myself that a lot, whether it's
42:54
Speaker 3: conversations with friends or conversations in business, like how can
42:57
Speaker 3: I that's present myself, stay true to who I am
43:00
Speaker 3: and the things that I want, and have like a
43:02
Speaker 3: productive conversation instead of again you were saying like lecturing
43:06
Speaker 3: or lecturing or bullying, like that's not the goal here.
43:09
Speaker 3: Think about what it is that you're trying to walk
43:11
Speaker 3: away with.
43:12
Speaker 1: That is so important and it's an important part of
43:15
Speaker 1: the setting boundaries conversation I'm not here to change you.
43:20
Speaker 1: I can't change you. And also being honest with yourself first.
43:24
Speaker 1: Having that initial conversation is reducing the expectations that's what
43:30
Speaker 1: that process is doing. Instead of going into the conversation
43:32
Speaker 1: and thinking they're going to hear me, they're gonna understand me.
43:35
Speaker 1: They're going to be like I was wrong. They're going
43:37
Speaker 1: to apologize that may or may not happen. What we're
43:41
Speaker 1: doing when we're thinking about the conversation or thinking about
43:44
Speaker 1: what we're walking into, we're getting ourselves prepared to go in.
43:47
Speaker 1: We're remembering who we're talking to. The remembering who I'm
43:50
Speaker 1: talking to lets me know, Okay, they've never apologized to
43:53
Speaker 1: me before, so I probably won't be get an apology
43:55
Speaker 1: out of this. What am I actually here for. I'm
43:59
Speaker 1: reminding myself. I'm here voice my boundaries and to make
44:01
Speaker 1: it clear that that I was uncomfortable. There is no
44:04
Speaker 1: other expectation.
44:06
Speaker 4: Right.
44:07
Speaker 1: They may decide to do this again. You can set
44:11
Speaker 1: a boundary. It doesn't mean that people will want to
44:13
Speaker 1: follow it. It doesn't mean that people will one hundred
44:16
Speaker 1: percent be behind you on what they may say. Hey,
44:18
Speaker 1: I understand that you didn't want to drink that night.
44:20
Speaker 1: I think you're overreacting a little bit. It was just,
44:22
Speaker 1: you know, I was just and that's it. Like you
44:26
Speaker 1: did what you came to do. You could take it
44:30
Speaker 1: further if you wanted to and have an argument and
44:32
Speaker 1: you know, or have a discussion or have a debate. Personally,
44:36
Speaker 1: we're human. Things are going to happen. Those instances are
44:38
Speaker 1: going to happen. But if like I was talking to
44:41
Speaker 1: a client, I would say, before they had this conversation,
44:44
Speaker 1: how would having that debate, that argument actually serve you,
44:47
Speaker 1: Because now we're going to be walking away from that.
44:51
Speaker 1: Now we've got a new problem on our hands. The
44:53
Speaker 1: conversation was originally just about, hey, when I say I
44:55
Speaker 1: don't want to drink, I don't want to drink. Now
44:56
Speaker 1: we're talking about how you know, we're taking it further.
44:59
Speaker 1: When if we did that first self check, who am
45:02
Speaker 1: I talking to, what am I expecting out of this conversation,
45:05
Speaker 1: what do I personally need? Then you most likely can
45:09
Speaker 1: walk into it with a clearer mind frame about I'm
45:13
Speaker 1: here to just advocate for myself. I'm not necessarily here
45:16
Speaker 1: to make them do, say, or be anything other than
45:20
Speaker 1: what they may or may not choose to do in
45:22
Speaker 1: that moment.
45:23
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, Okay.
45:25
Speaker 3: So we've talked about setting self boundaries, We've talked about
45:27
Speaker 3: executing your boundaries with others.
45:29
Speaker 2: We've talked about the conversations.
45:31
Speaker 3: That may have that you may have to have if
45:33
Speaker 3: you set these boundaries and they don't go so well.
45:35
Speaker 3: What we haven't talked on yet, but we did reference
45:38
Speaker 3: was the difficulty that can come hand in hand when
45:41
Speaker 3: you may have to pivot or walk away from certain
45:44
Speaker 3: relationships that aren't serving you when you set these boundaries.
45:47
Speaker 3: Do you have any advice for the hurdlers when it
45:51
Speaker 3: comes to dealing with the feelings that come hand in
45:54
Speaker 3: hand with that.
45:56
Speaker 1: Oh it sucks, Oh it does when we set backoundaries
46:00
Speaker 1: and relationships and or when people set boundaries and they
46:03
Speaker 1: with us. You know, boundaries are really sexy when we're
46:05
Speaker 1: talking about setting them for when I'm facilitating, they become
46:08
Speaker 1: less sexy when we're talking about people setting boundaries with us.
46:12
Speaker 4: So there's a couple of things.
46:13
Speaker 1: There's an important part of recognizing that people have free choice.
46:19
Speaker 1: Just like we're choosing ourselves, people can also choose to
46:22
Speaker 1: not choose us when we choose ourselves, and so it's
46:28
Speaker 1: easy to say, sometimes well they don't like me as
46:32
Speaker 1: this new version of myself, Well maybe they don't, and
46:36
Speaker 1: they get to choose that and if the point is
46:39
Speaker 1: for us to choose ourselves, recognizing in the beginning and
46:43
Speaker 1: understanding that people may not want to come with us
46:46
Speaker 1: when we do that, it doesn't make them less than
46:48
Speaker 1: it doesn't make them not having their best lives. It
46:51
Speaker 1: just means that we're not on the same path anymore.
46:53
Speaker 1: And so that's i think the first important part to recognize,
46:56
Speaker 1: because we can also carry around a lot of resentment
46:58
Speaker 1: and quote unquote out on my level kind of energy
47:02
Speaker 1: when we think, oh, because I'm becoming a better version
47:04
Speaker 1: of myself, they don't want to come with me. They
47:06
Speaker 1: have a different idea of what life is and they
47:09
Speaker 1: get to choose that. And so like separating the two.
47:13
Speaker 1: But the second piece is the grief. You know, it's
47:16
Speaker 1: really hard when you think you have someone that you're
47:19
Speaker 1: going to be with forever or that you're going to
47:21
Speaker 1: have around forever, especially when it's a friend. I've found,
47:24
Speaker 1: especially in facilitating this work, that like the breakups with
47:28
Speaker 1: romantic partnerships are nothing compared to the breakups that happen
47:32
Speaker 1: with friends and family. Like that is the ones that
47:35
Speaker 1: people are like, Okay, my partner, you know whatever, I mean,
47:39
Speaker 1: it's hard, but my best friend since high school or
47:42
Speaker 1: my aunt, like, I didn't see this coming, and I
47:46
Speaker 1: think with family, I'll just name that sometimes in families
47:50
Speaker 1: we have this language and communication that we adapt to
47:55
Speaker 1: that we don't even realize as a boundary violation. So
47:57
Speaker 1: we've been operating in our family dynamic for our whole
48:01
Speaker 1: lives under this boundary violation. And when we start advocating
48:05
Speaker 1: for ourselves and choosing ourselves, we realize, I can't be
48:08
Speaker 1: myself in my family without this boundary, and so I
48:15
Speaker 1: hope that makes sense. And so now we're setting boundaries
48:18
Speaker 1: with family that no one has ever introduced before, and
48:22
Speaker 1: so that can be really tough, and it's just important
48:26
Speaker 1: to recognize that it can really ruffle things. But it's
48:31
Speaker 1: also important to recognize a name that you're allowed to
48:34
Speaker 1: have boundaries with family. When it comes to friends, our
48:37
Speaker 1: chosen family, that can be really tough too. When relationships
48:40
Speaker 1: shift and change for both of them and for all
48:43
Speaker 1: of them, grief comes up. We walk through the journey
48:46
Speaker 1: of sadness and discomfort, and every single person that I
48:50
Speaker 1: have worked with when on one has usually had to
48:53
Speaker 1: build some form of a new community of people who
48:56
Speaker 1: are also on this journey. Because it can be really hard.
49:00
Speaker 1: Not everybody is willing to do this work. This is
49:03
Speaker 1: a choice. We don't have to do this, and so
49:07
Speaker 1: but knowing that there is an opportunity for connection and
49:10
Speaker 1: relationships on the other side is really important.
49:14
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, and something that I've leaned into. I have
49:18
Speaker 3: this thing, and I've referenced it on the show before,
49:20
Speaker 3: but I have this thing that I call my joy list.
49:22
Speaker 3: And it could be me dealing with the loss of
49:25
Speaker 3: a friendship because of the implementation of a boundary, or
49:27
Speaker 3: it could be me dealing with the fact that, like
49:29
Speaker 3: my right hip feels a little wonky right now, which
49:31
Speaker 3: is very scary because I'm supposed to be running a
49:34
Speaker 3: marathon in three weeks. Either of those things, I'll go
49:36
Speaker 3: to my joy list, I'll open it up, and I'll
49:39
Speaker 3: pick something that I know brings me happiness, so that
49:41
Speaker 3: in that moment, I can remind myself that I am
49:45
Speaker 3: in charge of my own joy and whatever is going
49:48
Speaker 3: on that is making me feel what could be inferior
49:51
Speaker 3: or frustrated or just glum, is not going to go away.
49:56
Speaker 3: But I have the choice in that moment to do
49:58
Speaker 3: something about how I feel and move forward.
50:00
Speaker 2: From there.
50:01
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that I teach I teach you. I
50:03
Speaker 1: called the joy list that same thing. Yes, for people
50:07
Speaker 1: to keep a list of five things that they love
50:10
Speaker 1: at all times, because we have to choose. It's one
50:12
Speaker 1: of the most interesting things about healing comes that comes up.
50:16
Speaker 1: We think that, oh, I'll set boundaries, I'll do all
50:18
Speaker 1: this work, and then joy will disappear. That's not how
50:22
Speaker 1: it actually works all the time, because life is still happening.
50:25
Speaker 1: Ups and downs are still happening. Stuff is happening on
50:28
Speaker 1: the news, friends, family, things are changing. We have to
50:31
Speaker 1: choose joy and so you know, reminding yourself to bring
50:35
Speaker 1: that in is so important, an important part of healing
50:40
Speaker 1: and advocating for yourself and self care.
50:43
Speaker 3: This conversation about boundaries has been so helpful. I think
50:47
Speaker 3: for many of the listeners. I get so many messages
50:50
Speaker 3: talking about their you know, want and desire to do
50:54
Speaker 3: this kind of work, but the fear that goes hand
50:57
Speaker 3: in hand with that. And if there's anything that I
50:59
Speaker 3: think is certain in this conversation, it's that although setting
51:02
Speaker 3: the boundaries again can be difficult, that you will walk
51:06
Speaker 3: away feeling more invested and close with yourself, knowing that
51:09
Speaker 3: You're sticking up for you because I firmly believe and
51:12
Speaker 3: I know that you do, being someone who who does
51:15
Speaker 3: this self healing work.
51:16
Speaker 2: It's that like it starts with you.
51:18
Speaker 3: And again that idea that if you don't take the
51:20
Speaker 3: time to give back to you, to fill up your cup,
51:22
Speaker 3: then who are you to expect that you'll be able
51:26
Speaker 3: to show up in your other relationships nearly as whole
51:30
Speaker 3: or as happy as you could otherwise?
51:32
Speaker 1: Absolutely so important to you know, fill up your own jar.
51:36
Speaker 1: It's so important to leave other people's jars to themselves.
51:40
Speaker 1: And anytime you're feeling that discomfort, you have an opportunity.
51:44
Speaker 1: You have a choice, and I hope that you feel
51:47
Speaker 1: the invitation to choose yourself.
51:49
Speaker 3: I love that as me. And how do the hurdlers
51:51
Speaker 3: follow along with you? How do they keep up with you?
51:54
Speaker 3: For more inspiration and motivation? Give me the details.
51:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, so definitely follow me on Instagram at your husband Cheyenne,
52:01
Speaker 1: I share a daily post. You can also join my
52:04
Speaker 1: list where I share workbooks and journals for free, and
52:09
Speaker 1: then listen to the Sugar Jar podcast anywhere you listen
52:11
Speaker 1: to podcasts.
52:12
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, I'm over at Emily A. Body
52:14
Speaker 3: and at Hurdle podcast, Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys
52:18
Speaker 3: next time.