Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 68: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict

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68: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey y'all, OK got a question for you.
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  What did you learn about conflict growing up in your
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  family of origin? What did you learn about it?
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  Was it to be avoided? Did you see it was a volatile?
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  Want to jump into what you learned in your family of origin
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  today and how it impacts you and showing up to your relationship
• 0:20
  today? Welcome to Beyond the Facade
• 0:26
  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 0:28
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
• 0:30
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 0:33
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 0:36
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 0:39
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 0:42
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 0:45
  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your?
• 0:47
  First time tuning in or you're a regular listener?
• 0:49
  Know this what you're building here?
• 0:52
  Goes beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 0:55
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 0:58
  your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
• 1:00
  fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
• 1:03
  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
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  This conversation comes from one of the groups that I ran
• 1:10
  actually just barely got done with it.
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  And I just felt like that this really deserves a little bit of
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  room and some space because one of the men brought something up
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  that I think floored me because of how we saw it.
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  So anyway, let me give you a background and we'll jump right
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  into it. All right, so relational repair,
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  rebuilding trust after infidelity, after betrayal,
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  long, long, long hard journey. And that one of my favourite
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  analogies ever. And I don't know if I've shared
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  along this podcast before, but it's kind of like this.
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  It's like you and your partner are living in a house and one
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  day and the house represents your relationship, represents
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  your, your relationship with the other person, your marriage,
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  whatever it might be. And one day this house becomes
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  crashing down and almost kills the both of you.
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  And obviously very upsetting. And the falling down, the house
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  represented the betrayal and the disclosure of the betrayal, the
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  discovery of the betrayal. And what happens is after the
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  house falls down. And there's a lot of volatility
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  around that house falling down. The betraying partner start
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  saying to that partner, I'm going to go ahead and build this
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  new house. I know, I know how the old house
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  fell down. Trust me, that's not going to
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  happen again. I never want that to happen
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  again. I'm sad or upset that you're
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  upset. I didn't mean for that house to
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  fall down, all that stuff. So I'm going to go ahead and
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  start building as a house. Watch me or I've already built
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  this one. Don't worry, this one's stronger
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  and I'm going to say she and he because obviously I'd spend my
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  time working with men that are the betrayed.
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  He starts asking her, Hey, trust me, this next house is good.
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  And she goes, I don't trust that.
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  I don't think I ever want to live in that house again.
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  Nothing that you build scares me to even think about getting that
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  house again with you don't want to do it.
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  And then when she starts to consider maybe I will.
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  I do want to be with you and maybe I will get in the house.
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  She starts going to the process of going I've got to I've got to
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  trust this house won't fall down again.
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  So he starts asking her, how do I know this will house won't
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  fall down and he just goes, believe me, that last one was so
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  scary of falling down and I just I know how to build a better.
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  And she starts asking him questions like, well, show me
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  the blueprints, show me how this house is stronger and he's he
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  goes, don't worry about it. I got it.
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  Like, they just won't. So maybe he's not sharing the
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  blueprints, or maybe he does. And she goes, you know what?
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  I just need to test this thing out for myself.
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  I've got to make sure that this house won't fall down.
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  So what does she do? She grabs A sledgehammer and she
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  walks into the house and she goes to the closest wall and she
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  starts pounding in on the wall, just trying to break the wall
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  down. And what's the purpose of doing
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  this? She doesn't trust the
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  blueprints. She wants to see for herself
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  whether it can fall down or not. So she's got the sledgehammer.
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  And what does he think? He goes?
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  Are you kidding me? Like, why are you tearing down
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  something that I'm working really hard to build?
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  I'm working so hard. Can't you see that I've been
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  working hard? And so he feels absolutely
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  terrified as she grabs A sledgehammer and goes at it.
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  I don't know if you're already drawing the conclusion, the
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  comparison of the analogy, but what the her grabbing the
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  sledgehammer represents is so many things of her asking
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  detailed questions about like, hey, what's happened in the
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  past? What really happened there?
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  OK, what are you doing now? What does that look like?
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  What kind of relationships do you have right now with people?
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  How do you interact with them? You know, what is your, how are
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  you going to keep from acting out again?
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  What do you do right now? Hey, I'm uncomfortable with
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  that. That doesn't seem like a good
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  idea. Hey, I think it would be a
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  really good idea to get this type of support.
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  Comparing that to house, maybe she's recommending what type of
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  materials to build the new house out of, even though she doesn't
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  really want to recommend anything, but she doesn't want a
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  house falling down on her again, just want to recognize the two
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  different experiences that are being had.
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  One, it makes all the sense in the world why she does just not
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  trust and go, hey, there's a new house.
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  I know he doesn't like the blast when I fell down.
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  I'm just going to trust him and that's OK.
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  That would be so unwise, right? That would be so unwise for her
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  to just blindly trust. I tell the men that I work with,
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  what do we do when she grabs A sledgehammer, what it feels like
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  to go knock down a wall to see if it'll stand, if it stays
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  strong, what do we do? And I've noticed the men in
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  recovery that are rocking their recovery and doing it, they
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  don't question their partner and they don't go.
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  I don't think you should do that.
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  I don't think you should give me a suggestion.
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  I know how to do it or I don't want you to ask me a question
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  because that doesn't apply or that's not me.
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  They give her the sledgehammer and they say go ahead, test it.
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  And and these men that are in recovery, it's not that they're
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  looking forward to their partner grabbing a sledgehammer.
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  They just understand from a regulated place the importance
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  of her doing that. And they're not glad that she
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  grabbed it. And then frankly, they're scared
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  because they themselves, even the men that are doing it the
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  right way, are nervous of what can be knocked down with the
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  sledgehammer. Maybe there are weak spots.
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  So I go, let's take this the next level.
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  Why don't you give her a sledgehammer?
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  And then maybe you tell her which wall you think is the
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  weakest, the one that you were maybe a little bit concerned
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  about that maybe doesn't need to tear down.
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  And I know what I feel is like in the moment of of well, I feel
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  like, and I know this can be the shame talking, but it can be a
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  little bit of I don't really want to tell her where it's the
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  weakest because I don't really want to even acknowledge that
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  myself. I need to just point out the
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  good things, the strong things about the house.
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  But remember, trust being rebuilt to be something where
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  it's not a proving to a person that you're safe.
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  It's the awareness of where it's not a safe and a joint effort
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  into being able to hear each person of what feels safe and
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  what doesn't. Anyway.
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  So now I think with the analogy, hopefully I didn't leave
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  anything out and go to the part that floored me that this man
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  said in one of the groups and he just, he said this part of he
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  said, yeah, it's this analogies. I don't remember his exact
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  words, just he it hit him pretty strong.
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  And he said, he mentioned that I feel like she's not hitting the
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  wall with the sledgehammer, she's hitting me.
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  She's going to come after me. And I was like, that's profound
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  because I get that because what's happened is like that
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  identified our behaviour, the wall as us.
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  OK, we do our partners coming at us, but that's not actually the
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  case. If she thought we were the
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  actual house, if she thought we were our behaviours, that
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  wouldn't make sense for her to be here.
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  We can recognize our behavior is something that we're building
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  and working on and it it's OK that she does knock things down
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  because it's actually not that she's coming after us Now.
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  I recognize there can be a lot of emotion and pain around this
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  analogy in so many ways. I don't even know what you're
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  thinking as you hear this or especially for the because half
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  of our listeners are the betrayed partner, how this is
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  impacting you. Hopefully it was not helpful.
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  Now it might you shut off the episode because it's it's
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  triggering or hard, but just recognizing that our partners
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  act and this is this is trust. OK, now let me make it to this.
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  The way I started off this podcast, we learned in our
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  family of origin what conflict was about.
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  We learned how we viewed it. So if you had parents or
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  caregivers and family members that you know, volatile in their
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  anger or you the exact opposite, which is very suppressed, pushed
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  down emotions, feelings that weren't shared, you would have
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  come to learn and recognize that conflict is the enemy.
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  But conflict isn't the enemy. Conflict is the doorway.
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  It's the doorway to being able to see the other person.
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  It's a doorway to intimacy. It's a doorway to be seen.
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  It's a doorway to connection. And when we lean into that
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  experience and we prop open that door and engage with that other
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  person, it really, really matters to be able to build that
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  and especially that trust. So just recognizing what our
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  patterns are. So the the work that I encourage
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  that I recognize that I need to do is, is learn what was in my
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  family of origin, learn how I viewed it.
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  I came from a spot of definitely.
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  I remember being so scared of conflict.
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  I think I noticed that there were peacekeepers in my house
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  and they held a certain role and I was one of them.
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  And that was my job was to keep the peace.
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  And so that means I couldn't learn certain things about
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  conflict and how it was going to be helpful.
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  So let's just recognize that the default view of conflict is that
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  it's going to trigger something in us that we have got and we've
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  had for a long time. That's how we respond to it.
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  So we can respond with fight flight, freezer fog.
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  OK, so in addiction recovery or compulsive behavior recovery,
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  conflict feels like it's threatening.
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  So it stirs some stuff inside of us.
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  There's some messages that we hear from ourselves, from our
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  parts, which says if there's conflict, that means I'm
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  failing, that means I'm in trouble, that means I'm being
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  rejected. And those responses are going to
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  leave us doing a few different things.
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  They're going to leave us avoiding exploding people
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  pleasing. We want to look at this new lens
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  of conflict, conflicts. It's not a sign that our
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  relationships failing, but it's a natural result of two people
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  that are stating needs. They have history together and
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  they're they have emotions that are interacting.
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  So when we handle it well, conflict deepens that
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  connection. We get a chance to clarify what
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  our needs and expectations are. We get to expose some of those
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  hidden wounds, the triggers that need healing, and we get to
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  create opportunities for empathy and repair.
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  So just notice there is a difference between destructive
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  versus constructive conflict. So let's label here for a second
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  what destructive conflict is because there there is that not
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  all conflict is great. So think back to your family of
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  origin. How was conflict handled in your
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  home? Right?
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  But how you typically respond to conflict.
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  So not handling conflict well or conflict now that unhealthy is
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  the fight flight freezer fawn modes, right?
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  So if I am fighting, if I do experience flight, if I am
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  freezing or if I am fawning, that's how we avoid showing up
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  in our authentic self. So that's the unhealthy ways to
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  lean into conflict. Just my encouragement is inside
• 12:23
  of a group setting. I love what's coming up in our
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  phase two groups. Just so amazing to watch these
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  men show up and bring their experiences and it's leaving
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  their partners out of it so they can keep their anonymity, but
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  sharing of how to tackle and see things differently.
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  It's pretty awesome. So whether you do that in a
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  group setting or a one-on-one setting, understand those
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  patterns so you can disrupt them.
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  Anyway, always value your feedback and your perspective.
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  After you listen to these podcasts, you can always drop us
• 12:53
  a line and saying, hey, spend some more time going into this.
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  I'd like to know more about this or this one impacted me in a
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  negative or a positive way. Love to know what you're
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  thinking and what you want to spending more time on.
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  So anyway, please lean into conflict.
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  It's on the other end is intimacy and connection.
• 13:10
  Take care men. The mask that you wear to
• 13:13
  protect yourself is the same mask that keeps you from truly
• 13:15
  connecting. So this September 16th to the
• 13:17
  19th in Spanish Fork, UT, join me and Gina Honeycutt for the
• 13:22
  Unmasked Men's intensive. Over 4 powerful days, you're
• 13:27
  going to explore integrity, uncover the roots of your
• 13:30
  patterns, and step into true authenticity.
• 13:33
  Some of our past participants have called it life changing.
• 13:35
  Finally, a safe space to be real, vulnerable and understood.
• 13:38
  The spots are going to be limited.
• 13:40
  So if you're ready to drop the mask and begin living with
• 13:43
  courage and connection, go to chooserecoveryservices.com and
• 13:46
  register or book some time for us to talk about this some more.
• 13:50
  Looking forward to having you be there.
• 13:52
  What I'm going to talk about today is not for everybody.
• 13:55
  It's for those of you who are in a place where you have done a
• 13:59
  lot of work and you've done a lot of healing and you're not
• 14:04
  really like heavily involved in the B trial trauma and recovery
• 14:07
  world in the ways that you once were.
• 14:10
  And you are somebody who is a goal oriented and you want to
• 14:15
  heal and you want to move forward and you're ready to
• 14:19
  expand in the next areas of your life.
• 14:22
  And you have these pieces of you that have done so much healing
• 14:26
  and so much growing, yet there's still this other part of you
• 14:30
  that's like longing for more. There's this other part of you
• 14:34
  that is ready to really explore, like what's next?
• 14:39
  Who am I? Where am I headed?
• 14:41
  What do I want? And, and really unlocking the
• 14:46
  woman within. Now, the reason I say that this
• 14:49
  is not for somebody who's new in recovery is because this
• 14:54
  intensive that we're doing this worthy by design, is truly for a
• 14:59
  unique woman. It's for a woman who really is
• 15:04
  in tune with her emotions. She's self reflective, she's
• 15:08
  looking into her soul. She believes in energy and
• 15:13
  healing and emotions and the value of those, but you're not
• 15:18
  sure how to step into that next level of your own growth, your
• 15:23
  own development. This is what Worthy by Design is
• 15:26
  for. And I will tell you, I am so
• 15:30
  excited for this intensive. It's not vitriol trauma focused.
• 15:34
  It's there will be women there who have gone through vitriol
• 15:37
  trauma and done their healing. And there'll be other women who
• 15:40
  have just grown and developed and are ready for this type of
• 15:43
  healing as well. And you're going to get to spend
• 15:47
  three nights and four days with me, myself, Hallie Roderick, who
• 15:52
  is one of our coaches, Kelly Johnson, who she partners with
• 15:57
  us Heritage Recovery. She does what's called Soul Soma
• 16:01
  Healing. And I don't know what other way
• 16:05
  to put it other than she has an absolute gift for touching into
• 16:09
  people's emotions and helping them release, but also educating
• 16:14
  and learning and teaching. And so I am so excited to
• 16:17
  partner with her. And then we also have Kelsey
• 16:20
  Red, who is a former therapist. She is a yoga certified
• 16:24
  instructor and she is amazing. If this is speaking to your
• 16:29
  soul, if you feel that calling, it's going to be, it's going to
• 16:36
  be soul healing. The location we're doing it at
• 16:41
  is a beautiful, huge home that we have rented that has a
• 16:47
  private property with a pond and a heated pool and walking pass.
• 16:52
  It's tucked up in the mountains. And so you were going to get
• 16:55
  time for relaxation, time for yourself, time for connection,
• 17:00
  time for growth and healing. It is going to be truly unique.
• 17:05
  This is the only one of these intensives that we are doing.
• 17:08
  So this is not one of like, oh, I hope I can catch it next time.
• 17:12
  This is the one that we are doing.
• 17:16
  So again, if you are feeling called to this, if you are
• 17:20
  interested in it, reach out For more information.
• 17:23
  You can always jump in and do a free consult with Hallie and
• 17:26
  learn more about it. If you hear this and you think
• 17:29
  that is exactly what I want, I need this and I'm not sure how
• 17:34
  I'm going to pay for it, choose Recovery services for all of our
• 17:37
  intensives does offer scholarship opportunities.
• 17:40
  So you can always put in an application and see if that's
• 17:44
  something that you could get some financial support to do
• 17:46
  that as well. So I would love to see you at
• 17:50
  Worthy by Design if this applies to you.
• 17:52
  You especially are Worthy by Design, and it will help you
• 17:56
  learn how to really tap into that.
• 17:59
  Hi, this is Hallie Roderick and I want to personally invite you
• 18:02
  to join me and our team for the upcoming Courage to Thrive
• 18:05
  intensive happening October 14th through the 17th in beautiful
• 18:09
  Spanish Fork, UT. This four day experience is
• 18:12
  designed specifically for women who have experienced betrayal
• 18:16
  and are ready to take the next courageous steps on their
• 18:19
  healing journey. Whether you're just beginning to
• 18:21
  process the pain or you've been navigating this journey for
• 18:25
  years, this intensive will give you practical tools, supportive
• 18:29
  guidance, and somatic practices to help you reconnect with your
• 18:32
  body, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim control over your
• 18:36
  life. By the end of our time together,
• 18:38
  you'll leave with a renewed sense of hope, strength, and
• 18:41
  purpose, ready to step forward with courage and confidence,
• 18:44
  knowing betrayal no longer defines your life.
• 18:47
  If you feel called to take this next step, please check the show
• 18:51
  notes for all the details. I would love to welcome you to
• 18:54
  this upcoming transformative experience.
• 19:01
  Hey, thanks for joining us today if this.
• 19:03
  Is something that you connected with.
• 19:05
  I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 19:07
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com.
• 19:10
  Or check the show. Notes and there what we can do
• 19:12
  is set up a quick conversation with.
• 19:14
  Me. Thanks so much for listening to
• 19:16
  Beyond the Facade where we. Unmask the authentic self.