Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 406. Saying no without the guilt, choosing between the dream job OR dream life. Headnoise.

Transcript

406. Saying no without the guilt, choosing between the dream job OR dream life. Headnoise. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Welcome to the Head Noise episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I have some great questions that
0:21
Speaker 1: have been emailed through great range of questions. I just
0:26
Speaker 1: really pumped to get into it. So before we get
0:29
Speaker 1: into that, though, I did want to do a little
0:31
Speaker 1: shout out and a little life update because this guy
0:36
Speaker 1: is an absolute legend and he deserves all the credit
0:38
Speaker 1: that he can get. But on Sunday, I had all
0:43
Speaker 1: my best friends over and we got Chef Mendy, who's
0:47
Speaker 1: a private chef, to come over to our home. And
0:51
Speaker 1: he's from France, from the North of France. Just an
0:54
Speaker 1: absolute just a gem of a human. He came over
0:57
Speaker 1: and he cooked literally one of the best meals I've
1:00
Speaker 1: ever had in my entire life. And I'm not exaggerating
1:02
Speaker 1: when I say that he cooked us the most unreal
1:06
Speaker 1: meal he had start as he had a mix of
1:08
Speaker 1: like traditional French but with a modern twist on it.
1:11
Speaker 1: It was insane. His name is Chef Mendy. Okay looking
1:15
Speaker 1: up look him up on Instagram. He is just like
1:17
Speaker 1: an absolute icon, and he was explaining the meals to us.
1:22
Speaker 1: We just sat and had everything done for us, and
1:25
Speaker 1: then he literally cleaned up. He brings everything, all the ingredients,
1:28
Speaker 1: all like his special pans and stuff. I can't recommend
1:32
Speaker 1: him higher. We've booked him in for the thirtieth of November,
1:34
Speaker 1: so no one get in on that date because we've
1:36
Speaker 1: booked him in already for the thirtieth of November. But
1:38
Speaker 1: if you check my reels, go check him out. I
1:41
Speaker 1: just really needed to shout him out because he's a
1:42
Speaker 1: private chef around Sydney and if you ever have like
1:47
Speaker 1: an event intimate or not intimate, and you're thinking like,
1:50
Speaker 1: how do I put an epic twist on it? This
1:53
Speaker 1: is the guy. Okay. Also, this is not paid. I'm
1:56
Speaker 1: just like really shouting him out because he is an
1:59
Speaker 1: absolutely lord and everyone needs to try his food. Anyway,
2:03
Speaker 1: let's get straight into the fucking episode of today. I've
2:07
Speaker 1: got the first question, and I'm very excited about this
2:10
Speaker 1: question because we've had this this I'm gonna say caller,
2:16
Speaker 1: but this listener right in before. So let's get straight
2:19
Speaker 1: into it. Hi, Alexis, First of all, congratulations on your twins. Wow,
2:24
Speaker 1: I know it's exciting, so exciting for you guys. Your
2:26
Speaker 1: episode of pregnancy and life update was very nice. It
2:29
Speaker 1: was also very helpful for me. Okay, let's get into it.
2:32
Speaker 1: I want to say that some months ago, before winter,
2:35
Speaker 1: I sent you a listener question about winter blues and
2:37
Speaker 1: hitting a hard bottom in Scandinavian dark and winter, and
2:41
Speaker 1: I felt lost about it and what to do and
2:43
Speaker 1: how to deal with it. So now comes the follow
2:45
Speaker 1: up from problem to solution. We are planning to leave
2:48
Speaker 1: for the shit months. Yes, when winter hit, and it
2:52
Speaker 1: always does very hard. Everyone in Scandinavia knows how it is.
2:56
Speaker 1: I just can't even imagine. I can just like I've
2:58
Speaker 1: seen like TV and it looks intense like we just
3:03
Speaker 1: can't even fathom. In Australia, we booked a trip to Asia. Yes,
3:09
Speaker 1: it was priceless for me to cut the dark, rainy
3:12
Speaker 1: crap and have some sun instead of the dark. We
3:14
Speaker 1: realized you can choose to only see the problems, or
3:16
Speaker 1: you can choose to find solutions and make it work.
3:19
Speaker 1: And this is the answer for this, and we are
3:21
Speaker 1: working towards a solution that we could be gone for
3:23
Speaker 1: longer next time next winter. Love this, Love this so much,
3:28
Speaker 1: and it also breaks up your year. It's something to
3:30
Speaker 1: look forward to. Yes, it might cost, but if you
3:33
Speaker 1: like really strategic, and you plan and you put your
3:35
Speaker 1: mind to it, then fucking do it another thing. My
3:39
Speaker 1: husband and I are almost only sorry. My husband and
3:44
Speaker 1: I are the almost only child free couple in our circle,
3:47
Speaker 1: and we are living our best life. It's not an
3:50
Speaker 1: absolute no for us, but we simply don't want children.
3:54
Speaker 1: We also raise eyebrows and get those questions when we
3:57
Speaker 1: are that. When we get questions of when we are
4:00
Speaker 1: planning to start a family, my answer is always, we
4:03
Speaker 1: don't like we don't plan to start a family. Some
4:07
Speaker 1: people get offended, some don't, and honestly, I've learned that
4:10
Speaker 1: their reaction to my life choices don't deserve my energy
4:12
Speaker 1: one hundred percent. It's very nice for me to hear
4:15
Speaker 1: your journey and opinion that you could live your best
4:17
Speaker 1: life without children as well. And this is where I am.
4:20
Speaker 1: With my husband. We can imagine child free life since
4:23
Speaker 1: we don't have any burning desire to have children. But
4:26
Speaker 1: if it happens sometime in the future, we will be
4:28
Speaker 1: in it together. I know he's going to be one
4:30
Speaker 1: hundred percent equal partner and I'd never settle for less.
4:33
Speaker 1: Love that your episode opened my eyes that there are
4:36
Speaker 1: people who think like me. When it comes to the
4:37
Speaker 1: topic of having children or being child free. Thank you
4:41
Speaker 1: that gave me courage to talk more openly about it.
4:43
Speaker 1: And maybe one day in the future we will be
4:45
Speaker 1: parents too, but if not, it's still okay. Best greetings
4:48
Speaker 1: and good health to your journey. I know that's not
4:50
Speaker 1: a question, but I absolutely love this because I think
4:54
Speaker 1: that there's many people who would kind of share that sentiment,
4:58
Speaker 1: and I think it's more and more where, you know,
5:03
Speaker 1: the especially for people who have worked on setting their
5:09
Speaker 1: life up. You know, the whole relationship thing wasn't really
5:12
Speaker 1: happening for me in my twenties, so I dedicated I mean,
5:15
Speaker 1: it happened a couple of times, but they were just
5:17
Speaker 1: not it. So I dedicated so much of especially in
5:20
Speaker 1: my late twenties early thirties, to just building my life
5:22
Speaker 1: up to like basically design my life on my terms.
5:27
Speaker 1: And I had gotten so good at doing that that
5:29
Speaker 1: it got me to a point where I thought, I
5:32
Speaker 1: have I'm fulfilled, I'm genuinely fulfilled, and I have purpose.
5:38
Speaker 1: I feel happy inside, like I'm satisfied with my life.
5:43
Speaker 1: So the thought of needing something more to then feel
5:48
Speaker 1: more satisfied, that didn't occur to me, that's not something
5:52
Speaker 1: that I need. So for me when it came to
5:55
Speaker 1: having a family, because I've had people say, now you're
5:58
Speaker 1: going to know what true happiness is. I know what
6:00
Speaker 1: true happiness is. I don't need this children to come
6:02
Speaker 1: along to show me true happiness. I'm telling you right now.
6:05
Speaker 1: You may not. That might not be the case for
6:07
Speaker 1: other people, but for me, I'm I know who I am.
6:09
Speaker 1: I have experienced true happiness, and you don't need children
6:13
Speaker 1: to experience true happiness because I've also seen people with
6:16
Speaker 1: children who are not fucking happy. So that's not the
6:19
Speaker 1: answer to happiness either. So I think that happiness is
6:22
Speaker 1: always something that you create within yourself for yourself, and
6:27
Speaker 1: that could be you know where it's you know, flourished
6:30
Speaker 1: with a family or with a personal endeavor. Okay. So
6:34
Speaker 1: I think it's really really important for people to, if
6:38
Speaker 1: they feel that way, to own it, to be like,
6:40
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm okay with it going either way.
6:44
Speaker 1: It's okay. I don't have to wait for children to
6:48
Speaker 1: think that I've finally succeeded in life or that that
6:51
Speaker 1: is my purpose, because I can tell you right now,
6:54
Speaker 1: you know, I have had people say Oh you wait,
6:56
Speaker 1: you're gonna this is you know, now you've got purpose. Now,
6:59
Speaker 1: your life will have this now. And I'm like, I
7:01
Speaker 1: already have all those things. And I know that having
7:06
Speaker 1: children is going to be an amazing and riching experience.
7:10
Speaker 1: There's no question in my mind that I'm going to
7:12
Speaker 1: grow in ways that I never imagine possible. I'm aware
7:15
Speaker 1: of that. But I also don't think that I was
7:18
Speaker 1: incomplete prior. I never was, and I don't buy that.
7:24
Speaker 1: I fucking don't buy that. So I love that. Hopefully
7:27
Speaker 1: people can just be more comfortable talking about that. And
7:30
Speaker 1: I was the same as you when, you know, when
7:32
Speaker 1: people would start asking all the questions about children, I
7:35
Speaker 1: would comfortably say, you know what, it could go either way,
7:39
Speaker 1: and I'm at peace. I'm genuinely at peace with it
7:41
Speaker 1: going either way because I can see an amazing life
7:44
Speaker 1: with children, I can see it. But I can also
7:47
Speaker 1: see an incredible adventure without, you know what I mean. Like,
7:53
Speaker 1: that's the beauty of when you open yourself up to
7:55
Speaker 1: possibilities in your life. And I know that not everyone
7:58
Speaker 1: feels that way. Most people don't, you know, most people
8:02
Speaker 1: are like no, you know, it is a human want
8:04
Speaker 1: to have children. I think more people would want children
8:06
Speaker 1: because that's a natural desire and that is absolutely great.
8:11
Speaker 1: But for those of you that are in that position, especially,
8:15
Speaker 1: like I feel a lot of women in their thirties
8:17
Speaker 1: where they're like, wait a minute, but I've created the
8:19
Speaker 1: life I want. Now I'm sitting exactly where I want
8:21
Speaker 1: to be. This might be where I want my life
8:24
Speaker 1: to stay. That is fucking great, you know what I mean.
8:28
Speaker 1: So band together with people that are on your wavelengths
8:31
Speaker 1: so you don't have to deal with people's judgment and
8:33
Speaker 1: bullshit and just be like here for it, here for
8:35
Speaker 1: these people, because there's people that feel that way around
8:38
Speaker 1: you more than you realize. So thank you for writing
8:41
Speaker 1: in and I'm really excited for your following trip to
8:44
Speaker 1: Asia in the sun fun and the sun. Okay, next question, Hi,
8:49
Speaker 1: alexis long time listener. You have helped me change my
8:52
Speaker 1: mindset and grow as a person exponentially the last few
8:55
Speaker 1: years and have cut out quite a few soggy lemons epic.
9:00
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if you have any advice on time management.
9:03
Speaker 1: Yes I do. I recently started a new full time
9:06
Speaker 1: job nine to five, but I also work for myself
9:09
Speaker 1: and take clients in the evening after I finish work
9:12
Speaker 1: and on Sundays. So you're a busy, busy gal. I've
9:15
Speaker 1: changed my hours of taking clients so I have one
9:18
Speaker 1: night off per week and I don't work Saturdays. But
9:21
Speaker 1: I'm still finding it really hard to find any time
9:23
Speaker 1: for myself. Babe. I can imagine you're fucking stretching yourself
9:27
Speaker 1: in I wake up at five am to get to
9:31
Speaker 1: work my night's off or Saturdays. I'm scrambling to get content,
9:35
Speaker 1: work done, house chores, or making time for my pets.
9:38
Speaker 1: It leaves little to no time to pause and shut
9:40
Speaker 1: off my brain. I'm trying to schedule things in, but
9:43
Speaker 1: because I have so much to do all the time,
9:47
Speaker 1: it never really works out the way I plan. Any
9:50
Speaker 1: advice would be appreciated. Love, Love the podcast, and you.
9:54
Speaker 1: So this is a really good question because I think
9:57
Speaker 1: it's getting you to a point where you need to
10:00
Speaker 1: really evaluate what your major priorities are in life. You
10:05
Speaker 1: also have to ask yourself because you might be because
10:07
Speaker 1: it sounds to me that you are working way more
10:11
Speaker 1: than what most people would want to work like. This
10:14
Speaker 1: sounds like crazy hours, and for me, everyone's different, But
10:19
Speaker 1: I would not be able to sustain that, I would
10:21
Speaker 1: definitely be struggling and I would feel burnt out, and
10:24
Speaker 1: I would feel that I'm not filling up, you know,
10:27
Speaker 1: the cylinders in all the other areas of my life.
10:30
Speaker 1: But like I said, everyone has their own threshold. Okay,
10:34
Speaker 1: But what my question to you is is do you say,
10:36
Speaker 1: are you doing this because you're like, I have a
10:39
Speaker 1: financial goal that I really need to hit, so I'm
10:43
Speaker 1: going all out, or are you doing it because you're like,
10:46
Speaker 1: I'm working all these hours outside of my nine to
10:49
Speaker 1: half because eventually this is going to be my next career.
10:54
Speaker 1: So my question to you is is this a lifestyle
10:57
Speaker 1: ongoing with no end in sight or is this a
11:01
Speaker 1: milestone kind of goal where you're like, it's just a
11:04
Speaker 1: year of this, but then once the year is up,
11:07
Speaker 1: I can quit my nine to five and focus on
11:08
Speaker 1: my work. Or once the year is up, I've saved
11:10
Speaker 1: what I need to save and I can tape it back.
11:12
Speaker 1: So you've got to understand what is this going to
11:15
Speaker 1: look like long term? Because if this is what it's
11:18
Speaker 1: going to be long term, then you need to come
11:23
Speaker 1: up with a bit of a strategy on your priorities
11:25
Speaker 1: because no matter how much you love your work. No
11:29
Speaker 1: matter how much you love it, you are still working. Okay,
11:34
Speaker 1: you might you know those people are like, oh, you know,
11:36
Speaker 1: love what you do and you never work it down
11:37
Speaker 1: your life. Bullshit. You are working. You are working, and
11:40
Speaker 1: there's nothing like It's not a bad thing, but you
11:42
Speaker 1: have to acknowledge it because that energy that you put
11:45
Speaker 1: towards that task is work. Let's call a spade a
11:48
Speaker 1: spade and realize that you are putting yourself under a
11:51
Speaker 1: certain amount of stress, even if it doesn't feel like
11:53
Speaker 1: negative stress, but it's effort stress. It requires, you know,
11:56
Speaker 1: the mental load, and you have to do that at
11:59
Speaker 1: the times located you know, when you're seeing clients that
12:03
Speaker 1: requires mental load. So this is where you need to
12:07
Speaker 1: start weighing up. At what point is this actually going
12:11
Speaker 1: to be viable for me to start enjoying my life?
12:13
Speaker 1: Where do I need to pull back from What's where's
12:17
Speaker 1: the tipping point? Because the other or the most important
12:22
Speaker 1: other things in your life are you know, time for yourself,
12:24
Speaker 1: time to be doing things that are going to enrich you.
12:27
Speaker 1: Where you're serving you and it's not constant output output
12:30
Speaker 1: output output connection with other people, like how much time
12:33
Speaker 1: do you have to truly truly connect with people. How
12:36
Speaker 1: much time do you have to do a task that's
12:38
Speaker 1: just for fun, like just for fun, spare time. This
12:43
Speaker 1: concept of having spare time is deemed as a luxury now,
12:48
Speaker 1: but it is a need. This is our time to reset,
12:53
Speaker 1: to refocus, to switch off. This is kind of where
12:55
Speaker 1: your brain has a chance to consolidate everything, to kind
12:58
Speaker 1: of compartmentalize commerce, everything down. You know, feel settled again
13:03
Speaker 1: before you're putting it under stress again. You know, you
13:06
Speaker 1: always have to allow for like a building phase and
13:08
Speaker 1: a recovery phase. Build, recover, build, recover. You look at
13:11
Speaker 1: let's look at it physically. You look at an athlete.
13:14
Speaker 1: They're building muscle. They can't be building that same muscle
13:16
Speaker 1: every single day or they're going to burn out. They're
13:18
Speaker 1: going to injure themselves. They're not going to get the
13:20
Speaker 1: hypertrophy that they want. Okay, you're going to see that
13:23
Speaker 1: they have build phase, then they have to recover, they
13:25
Speaker 1: work on a different part of the body, or it's
13:26
Speaker 1: a full rest date. Then the build again, up and down,
13:29
Speaker 1: up and down. You've got to look at it that
13:31
Speaker 1: way for your brain and mind as well. So basically,
13:36
Speaker 1: these are my two questions. Number one, is it milestone?
13:38
Speaker 1: Is it lifestyle? If it's milestone, I think that it's
13:43
Speaker 1: a lot more manageable for you to look at this
13:45
Speaker 1: and think, all right, there's an end in sight, so
13:48
Speaker 1: I'm able to kind of hold it together until then.
13:51
Speaker 1: But based on kind of what you're saying here, it
13:55
Speaker 1: doesn't it kind of looks like it is straight up lifestyle.
14:00
Speaker 1: And this is where I think a level of sacrifice
14:03
Speaker 1: needs to come in in order for you to be
14:06
Speaker 1: able to feel fulfilled in other areas of your life.
14:09
Speaker 1: You might need to take another night off per week.
14:11
Speaker 1: I just feel like you're going to burn out. This
14:13
Speaker 1: is so much work, and even if you love it,
14:16
Speaker 1: it's a lot you're saying it leaves me no time
14:18
Speaker 1: to pause and shut off my brain. That's going to
14:21
Speaker 1: lead to burnout. That will lead to burnout, emotional burnout,
14:25
Speaker 1: or what often happens is that it manifests in unrelated ways.
14:31
Speaker 1: So mental burnout can manifest in a physical you know,
14:35
Speaker 1: where you get really really sick, or you get the shingles,
14:38
Speaker 1: You come down hard for like a week because your
14:41
Speaker 1: body is like, I fucking need a break you're not
14:43
Speaker 1: listening to me, So I'm just going to force you
14:45
Speaker 1: to take a break. This happens all the time with people.
14:48
Speaker 1: They're mentally drained, so they get physically sick, okay, and
14:52
Speaker 1: then they're out for a week. They're out for two weeks,
14:55
Speaker 1: and then it throws everything off. You're trying to find
14:57
Speaker 1: that nice balance in your life, okay. So my ultimate
15:01
Speaker 1: recommendation to you is this is going to require sacrifice.
15:05
Speaker 1: You've got to look at this as the long term journey.
15:07
Speaker 1: You've got to look at this as ultimately nothing matters.
15:12
Speaker 1: Nothing matters if I don't have my mental health, nothing right,
15:16
Speaker 1: because you could have Let's say you've got career health
15:20
Speaker 1: relationships like physical health relationships mental health. If you break
15:24
Speaker 1: a leg, other things can still be working. If you
15:28
Speaker 1: have a breakup, the other things in your life can
15:30
Speaker 1: still be working. If you lose your job, other things
15:33
Speaker 1: in your life can still be working in you. But
15:34
Speaker 1: if you lose your mental health your mind, nothing is
15:40
Speaker 1: working for you. Nothing. So you always have to think,
15:44
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, no matter how much
15:46
Speaker 1: I want something, no matter how much this is going
15:48
Speaker 1: to be good for my future me whatever, if I
15:50
Speaker 1: don't have my mind. I have nothing. So my recommendation
15:54
Speaker 1: for you is you need to pull back. You need
15:56
Speaker 1: to pull back. Trust me, you will thank yourself later,
16:01
Speaker 1: even like, maybe take one more night off, maybe alternate.
16:06
Speaker 1: I don't look. I don't know the ins and outs
16:07
Speaker 1: of your job, So the advice I'm giving you right
16:09
Speaker 1: now is going to be very based on what it
16:11
Speaker 1: is that you do. But maybe only work every second Sunday.
16:15
Speaker 1: Maybe you know. I don't know what that's got to
16:17
Speaker 1: look like. But if I were you, I am fucking
16:20
Speaker 1: stooping back. I am pulling back on work and I
16:22
Speaker 1: don't know what your nine to five is. Can you
16:24
Speaker 1: do a four day week? I don't know, But you
16:25
Speaker 1: need to pull back. It's all about your mind. You
16:28
Speaker 1: have to prioritize your mind and then everything else will
16:30
Speaker 1: fall into place. Thank you so much for writing in
16:54
Speaker 1: next question, Dear Alexis, thank you for your fantastic podcast
16:58
Speaker 1: and congrats on your prognanty. We are so excited for you.
17:01
Speaker 1: Thank you. My question is actually kind of baby related,
17:04
Speaker 1: more so to setting boundaries. Starting with my pregnancy, I
17:08
Speaker 1: found myself in situations where my boundaries were crossed. For example,
17:12
Speaker 1: when distant relatives of my husband just randomly touched my belly, right,
17:18
Speaker 1: what the fuck? And it's so weird because I'm just
17:21
Speaker 1: going on to TANGI I'm not this is not the
17:22
Speaker 1: question of this is me talking. It's so weird because
17:24
Speaker 1: then like, I don't mind my best friend touching it,
17:27
Speaker 1: but then someone who I don't know that well, I'm like, God,
17:29
Speaker 1: the fuck off, man, because I don't know you, Like,
17:31
Speaker 1: it's just yeah. Anyway, back to the question. Now that
17:34
Speaker 1: my baby is seven months old, I again feel unable
17:37
Speaker 1: to voice my boundaries to people, for example, when they
17:40
Speaker 1: touch my baby's face at all, or even when they're
17:43
Speaker 1: total strangers to her and they just know me from
17:46
Speaker 1: when I was a child I recently moved back to
17:48
Speaker 1: my hometown, or when they give unsolicited advice for example
17:51
Speaker 1: when the baby's crying. When I was younger, I was
17:54
Speaker 1: often withdrawn from my parents' love when I did something
17:57
Speaker 1: wrong or did not match their expectations, and my mother
18:00
Speaker 1: especially always had difficulty standing up for herself and voicing
18:04
Speaker 1: her boundaries too. I get very angry in these situations
18:06
Speaker 1: when I'm unable to break this cycle, and also at
18:09
Speaker 1: people's rude and encroaching behavior. I would love to be
18:12
Speaker 1: able to kindly but very firmly state and hold my boundary,
18:16
Speaker 1: not worrying if people could get mad at me or
18:18
Speaker 1: think I am rude, over reacting, too protective of whatever
18:22
Speaker 1: or whatever. Instead, I say nothing at all or only
18:25
Speaker 1: once when people break my boundary again after my first reaction.
18:29
Speaker 1: I would love to know your advice on how I
18:31
Speaker 1: can practice this and become a pro at holding boundaries
18:33
Speaker 1: kind but firmly, not only for my sake, but to
18:36
Speaker 1: be a good role model for my daughters and show
18:38
Speaker 1: her how it's done in the process. Don't care, Lots
18:41
Speaker 1: of love from Germany. Great question. Great question. Before I
18:47
Speaker 1: talk about ways of how you can feel more comfortable
18:50
Speaker 1: setting boundaries, one thing that I want you to really
18:53
Speaker 1: consider is that you're going to be uncomfortable regardless the
18:58
Speaker 1: reason we struggle to put a boundary in place, and
19:01
Speaker 1: to say, oh, I'm sorry, no one's touching my baby's face,
19:04
Speaker 1: I've got a note no face touching rule, or whatever
19:08
Speaker 1: it is that you're going to say, or someone gives
19:09
Speaker 1: you unsolicited advice on crying and you have to bite
19:12
Speaker 1: your tongue and be like, I'm just going to ignore you,
19:17
Speaker 1: or say that's your way. I have my way, thank you,
19:21
Speaker 1: like whatever it is you have. The reason why we're
19:23
Speaker 1: so scared to say these things is because it represents discomfort.
19:28
Speaker 1: It represents a very awkward situation. It also represents this
19:32
Speaker 1: blank space where we don't know how that individual is
19:34
Speaker 1: going to react. It opens it up for their reaction.
19:37
Speaker 1: We don't want that. It's the unknown, better the devil.
19:39
Speaker 1: We know. We'll just eat it. We'll just accept what
19:41
Speaker 1: they're saying and shut our mouth. That's what it is, right.
19:44
Speaker 1: But what you have to remember is that you are
19:47
Speaker 1: always going to be faced with an uncomfortable situation. Right,
19:51
Speaker 1: you either put up with it in the moment, and
19:53
Speaker 1: on top of putting up with it in the moment,
19:56
Speaker 1: you then fes sta after it grinds your gears, you think,
19:59
Speaker 1: fuck you, fuck this person, and oh and then you
20:03
Speaker 1: you ruminate. I do it too, Like if someone's done
20:06
Speaker 1: something so annoying and I didn't stand up for myself
20:08
Speaker 1: or I didn't say anything, then I think about it
20:10
Speaker 1: and I'm like the height of this person to think
20:13
Speaker 1: that it was okay. The fucking the nerve and so
20:16
Speaker 1: you start going round and round and around, and it
20:19
Speaker 1: grinds your gears and then you and then you're fired
20:21
Speaker 1: up for the next time that it happens, and then
20:23
Speaker 1: the next time it happens, you're so you're not prepared,
20:25
Speaker 1: and then they do it again. That's not comfortable. That
20:29
Speaker 1: feels like shit. So when we avoid putting a boundary
20:34
Speaker 1: in place, the first thing you have to do is
20:36
Speaker 1: it's gonna suck either way. Whether I say something now
20:39
Speaker 1: and at least honor my word, which is going to
20:41
Speaker 1: make me feel way better about myself after the fact,
20:44
Speaker 1: but it's going to be uncomfortable right now, or I
20:47
Speaker 1: make the other person feel comfortable, but in turn I
20:50
Speaker 1: make myself feel like shit. What's it going to be.
20:54
Speaker 1: Another thing you want to think about, is their discomfort
20:57
Speaker 1: in this moment is going to be very short because
21:00
Speaker 1: it's just me setting a boundary. I'm the one who
21:02
Speaker 1: gets more affected because it's someone crossing into my boundary lines.
21:06
Speaker 1: It's someone who's touching me, who's saying something to me
21:09
Speaker 1: when I might be well. Firstly, I don't think you
21:11
Speaker 1: should be telling someone how to parent full stop, unless
21:14
Speaker 1: they've asked for the advice. But it's you know, it's
21:17
Speaker 1: coming to me telling me something about my parenting when
21:19
Speaker 1: I A don't want to hear it, or B might
21:21
Speaker 1: not be in the right head space to be listening
21:23
Speaker 1: to someone, or see, you've said it in a you've
21:25
Speaker 1: not delivered it in the right way, and now I
21:26
Speaker 1: feel like quite, you know, upset versus for them, they've
21:32
Speaker 1: not had a boundary crossed. So your discomfort of being
21:35
Speaker 1: told something and having a boundary cross is more uncomfortable
21:38
Speaker 1: than the discomfort of you just putting a blind down
21:42
Speaker 1: being like, no, thank you. This is the boundary. Okay,
21:46
Speaker 1: So we need to remove that guilt that we feel
21:50
Speaker 1: that we're going to make someone else feel so uncomfortable.
21:52
Speaker 1: They've already made you feel uncomfortable. We aren't even playing
21:55
Speaker 1: ground here. It's an even playing field, and it's not
21:58
Speaker 1: about hurting the other person. It's also not about making
22:01
Speaker 1: them being embarrassed or like purposely trying to you're out
22:06
Speaker 1: to get them. But you're saying, we're in a situation
22:09
Speaker 1: where you have had no issue, no qualms whatsoever in
22:14
Speaker 1: making me feel uncomfortable. Whether you realize it or you don't,
22:17
Speaker 1: you should, okay. That's part of becoming an adult, taking
22:21
Speaker 1: responsibility for your actions. Whether they're intentional or not. If
22:24
Speaker 1: I hurt someone through my actions but I didn't mean it,
22:28
Speaker 1: I would still like for them to tell me that
22:29
Speaker 1: I hurt them, because I'm like, as an adult, I
22:31
Speaker 1: should own what I did and I should hopefully learn
22:34
Speaker 1: from it and not do it again, because I don't
22:35
Speaker 1: want to be going out there and hurting people's feelings.
22:38
Speaker 1: So I think what you need to do is you
22:40
Speaker 1: need to prep yourself mentally with why it is acceptable
22:43
Speaker 1: for you to put those boundaries in place. Okay, because
22:46
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel uncomfortable regardless. I'm either going to
22:48
Speaker 1: feel like shit after or I'm going to feel like
22:50
Speaker 1: shit in the moment where I have to say what
22:52
Speaker 1: I need to say. Having said that, now, when you're
22:55
Speaker 1: setting the boundaries, you don't have to go all out.
22:58
Speaker 1: I think if you're not used to set boundaries and
23:00
Speaker 1: you're not used to putting people in their place or
23:02
Speaker 1: saying what you feel or saying what you want to say,
23:04
Speaker 1: it's very overwhelming and then you freeze up and nothing
23:07
Speaker 1: comes to mind less is more, less is more or
23:10
Speaker 1: less is more. You don't have to say something really
23:12
Speaker 1: good or a great one line I might not be
23:15
Speaker 1: accessible to you in the moment when you're freezing up.
23:17
Speaker 1: So if someone goes to touch your tummy, well, I mean,
23:21
Speaker 1: you've got a child now, you're not pregnant right now.
23:22
Speaker 1: But for the general public who's listening, if someone goes
23:24
Speaker 1: to touch your tummy and just say, oh, I'm good,
23:28
Speaker 1: you don't need to explain why you don't want your
23:29
Speaker 1: tummy in touch, just saying oh no, no, I'm good,
23:32
Speaker 1: like thank you. You're not touching the baby. You're actually
23:34
Speaker 1: touching my stomach. What I did I think I said
23:38
Speaker 1: this in the last episode at the start to make
23:41
Speaker 1: people feel awkward when I didn't want them touching my tummy.
23:43
Speaker 1: Is if they touch my tummy, I say, oh, that's
23:45
Speaker 1: just constipation. That like, you're touching shit right now, that's
23:47
Speaker 1: just my pooh in my stomach, because I'm like, fuck off,
23:51
Speaker 1: And it's weird because like I didn't mind certain people
23:53
Speaker 1: touching it, and other people it was weird, like and
23:55
Speaker 1: so I also didn't want to have this blanket of
23:57
Speaker 1: like no one can touch me. It was more people
23:59
Speaker 1: that I didn't know that well, so I just make
24:01
Speaker 1: a joke about it and make them feel a bit awkward.
24:03
Speaker 1: But then it would simmer it down. However, if it's
24:06
Speaker 1: someone that just you can just put your hand in
24:07
Speaker 1: the way and say, oh, no, no good, I'm good today,
24:11
Speaker 1: and they will feel uncomfortable. But you were about to
24:13
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, so someone's going to feel uncomfortable. Now we
24:16
Speaker 1: can both be uncomfortable. You know, when it comes to
24:19
Speaker 1: someone giving unsolicited advice, you just say I've got my way,
24:23
Speaker 1: thank you. You know, it's very different to you actually
24:28
Speaker 1: reaching out and saying, hey, any hot tips on when
24:30
Speaker 1: they're crying, I'm struggling. That's different. But if you're clearly
24:33
Speaker 1: doing what you're doing and they're trying to give you
24:35
Speaker 1: unsolicited advice, just say thank you, I've got my system,
24:40
Speaker 1: don't hear it out, don't let them follow through. Always
24:44
Speaker 1: remind yourself at the end of the day, we're either
24:46
Speaker 1: both got to be uncomfortable in the moment, but then
24:48
Speaker 1: I save myself so much stress later long term, and
24:51
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel good about myself later. And like
24:53
Speaker 1: you said, your daughter will be able to witness how
24:56
Speaker 1: you stand up for yourself. So you're doing yourself a favor,
24:58
Speaker 1: You're doing her a favor, You're showing her that it's
25:00
Speaker 1: completely acceptable and that you should stand up for yourself
25:05
Speaker 1: versus you then ruminating after and this person just doing
25:08
Speaker 1: it again and again and again, either not realizing it
25:11
Speaker 1: or thinking, oh, I can you know, I can walk
25:13
Speaker 1: all over this person, whether they've got malicious thoughts or
25:16
Speaker 1: whether they don't. So I hope that helped. I hope
25:19
Speaker 1: that helped you. It's more so because how you set
25:22
Speaker 1: the boundary is dependent on your personality, but setting the boundary,
25:26
Speaker 1: your intention to set the boundary has to come from
25:28
Speaker 1: a place of understanding why you are completely in your
25:32
Speaker 1: right to do so and why you should do it
25:33
Speaker 1: because you're going to feel uncomfortable regardless. Choose your discomfort.
25:37
Speaker 1: Feels uncomfortable now, but I feel great about it later on,
25:40
Speaker 1: or it feels quote unquote comfortable. It doesn't even feel
25:44
Speaker 1: it doesn't even feel comfortable in the moment, but it's like, well,
25:46
Speaker 1: at least I didn't have to say something rude quote
25:48
Speaker 1: unquote rude, but then I feel like shit after. Okay,
25:52
Speaker 1: so when you see these people coming from a mile away,
25:56
Speaker 1: prep yourself mentally, be like, choose my fucking discomfort, my discomfort,
26:00
Speaker 1: choose my discomfort. Be an example for myself in the future,
26:03
Speaker 1: be an example for my daughter in the future. All right,
26:08
Speaker 1: next question. Hello, A quick thank you for everything. You're
26:11
Speaker 1: truly amazing for what you provide. Thank you. I'm twenty
26:15
Speaker 1: five and constantly feel like I'm running out of time.
26:17
Speaker 1: I have a great career, which I've achieved a lot
26:20
Speaker 1: in a short amount of time, but I feel that
26:22
Speaker 1: is all I have going for me. I work six
26:25
Speaker 1: days a week, two jobs, but have no money, no
26:28
Speaker 1: life savings. I have a very very small group of friends,
26:31
Speaker 1: which I feel I rely on some people too much.
26:34
Speaker 1: I'm very much single, and I feel the partner would
26:37
Speaker 1: be nice, but everyone says it'll happen when you least
26:39
Speaker 1: expect it. I'm torn between continuing my career or moving
26:43
Speaker 1: to Spain. Babe, move to Spain. I am half Spanish
26:48
Speaker 1: and my grandmother is there. Babe moved to Spain. Sorry,
26:51
Speaker 1: I'll just let you finish your story and see what happens.
26:55
Speaker 1: It's a terrifying change. However, financially, I am a bit stuck.
26:59
Speaker 1: I'm very head wrong and strong willed, and I say
27:01
Speaker 1: it how it is kind of person and I know
27:04
Speaker 1: what I want to achieve, but I feel stuck. I
27:06
Speaker 1: turn twenty six at the end of the year and
27:08
Speaker 1: already dreading it as I feel I don't have my
27:10
Speaker 1: life together enough. Any advice on how to navigate your
27:13
Speaker 1: mid twenties when all you feel is pressure to do
27:15
Speaker 1: everything and nothing all at once. Thank you so much
27:18
Speaker 1: in advance, babe, I'm going to give you the answer
27:20
Speaker 1: right now. Move to Spain. Moved to Spain. And the
27:24
Speaker 1: reason for this is you said you've got a great career,
27:27
Speaker 1: which you've achieved a lot in a short amount of time,
27:30
Speaker 1: right So that to me indicates that you're fucking good
27:32
Speaker 1: at what you do. You're resourceful, you're an asset. If
27:35
Speaker 1: you left and you wanted to come back, they would
27:37
Speaker 1: take you back. People always will take back people that
27:41
Speaker 1: achieve a lot within the industry. So as far as
27:44
Speaker 1: you know, thinking, oh am I going to miss that,
27:46
Speaker 1: no you're not. No, you're not. There's abundance everywhere we look.
27:50
Speaker 1: We just have to look for it. So as far
27:52
Speaker 1: as will you have career opportunities when you come back, yes,
27:56
Speaker 1: they will be there for you. You've achieved a lot,
27:58
Speaker 1: You've got a lot. You know, you've done the hard work,
28:00
Speaker 1: you've put in the hard yards, you've earned that you've
28:02
Speaker 1: earned having a good status in whatever work it is
28:06
Speaker 1: that you do. Okay, that's number one. Number two, you're like,
28:11
Speaker 1: you know, I'm working all the time. I have not
28:13
Speaker 1: many friends. I kind of feel like I'm leaning on
28:14
Speaker 1: the too much. You're in a rupt, you're in a rut. Now.
28:17
Speaker 1: You don't have to go to Europe or I don't
28:20
Speaker 1: know where you live. I'm presuming Australia. But you don't
28:22
Speaker 1: have to go to another country to realize this. However,
28:27
Speaker 1: this is already a thought in your mind, and this
28:29
Speaker 1: is a phenomenal opportunity for you. Twenty six. You're not
28:34
Speaker 1: a baby, but you're so like, this is just the time,
28:37
Speaker 1: Like mid twenties, everything's unfolding for you, all these like
28:40
Speaker 1: realizations and opportunities and lessons of growth and chances to evolve.
28:47
Speaker 1: Right there. You're not in a relationship. You could still
28:51
Speaker 1: do it if you were, but this is the time,
28:53
Speaker 1: right your grandmother's there. I don't know if you speak Spanish,
28:57
Speaker 1: but you say I'm half Spanish. My grandmother's there. I'm
29:00
Speaker 1: presuming hopefully because you're half Spanish, you have maybe you've
29:04
Speaker 1: got your Spanish nationality, and if you speak Spanish. You
29:07
Speaker 1: could even get a job there. Even if you don't,
29:09
Speaker 1: you could just get a part time job at a
29:10
Speaker 1: backpackers speaking English. I'm telling you right now, you, right now,
29:16
Speaker 1: what you need is an eye opening experience, something that's
29:19
Speaker 1: going to give you perspective on what it is that
29:22
Speaker 1: you want out of life. And traveling is not the
29:25
Speaker 1: answer for everyone, but you have this in your mind.
29:28
Speaker 1: And I'm going to tell you right now, when you
29:30
Speaker 1: have a desire like that in your mind, it's not
29:33
Speaker 1: going to go away. When you have this burning desire
29:37
Speaker 1: of like I want to go to another country, experience
29:41
Speaker 1: life in that other country, to just live there, maybe
29:44
Speaker 1: like you know, like expand on my you know, my
29:46
Speaker 1: connection with my grandmother. Go to like my mother country.
29:50
Speaker 1: And oh, I'm picturing it right now. I'm picturing you
29:55
Speaker 1: in Spain. I can just see it. I can see it.
29:58
Speaker 1: So really, what I recommend you do, and it's going
30:01
Speaker 1: to make you feel really good, is decide on Spain.
30:05
Speaker 1: Lolhouse may planning your whole life for you. Decide on Spain.
30:08
Speaker 1: Pick a date and you're working towards that date. Okay,
30:11
Speaker 1: can you get a job there? I don't know, because
30:13
Speaker 1: if you can get a job there. Obviously, the money
30:15
Speaker 1: you need to save prior to that is going to
30:16
Speaker 1: be a lot less than if you've got to support
30:18
Speaker 1: yourself the whole time. You can maybe be living with
30:21
Speaker 1: your grandmother. Babe, so much. Okay and twenty six I'm
30:25
Speaker 1: telling you right now, the best thing I ever did
30:27
Speaker 1: for my career long term was quitting everything and fucking
30:31
Speaker 1: off to France. And the reason for that is it
30:34
Speaker 1: gave me a whole new perspective on who I am,
30:36
Speaker 1: on my reality, on what I want out of life.
30:38
Speaker 1: On I became more confident, I became I knew what
30:41
Speaker 1: I wanted, I knew what I didn't want. It was
30:43
Speaker 1: the best thing for me growth wise. Sometimes the best
30:46
Speaker 1: things you can do for your career is do something
30:48
Speaker 1: that requires personal growth and it will transform how you
30:52
Speaker 1: approach that career. Not always, but a lot of the time. Okay,
30:57
Speaker 1: so there's your answer. I love this for you, love
31:01
Speaker 1: it so much, guys. That is all for today's episode.
31:04
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in and listening. I am so
31:08
Speaker 1: excited for next week. You have no idea. Next week
31:11
Speaker 1: We're doing a five day miniseries. This is a sick joke.
31:14
Speaker 1: I love the miniseries so much. I love them. I
31:17
Speaker 1: kin'd even whatever. So I did the one at the
31:19
Speaker 1: start of the year. You guys loved it. It's like
31:22
Speaker 1: a short mini episode. These are like twenty minute episodes,
31:25
Speaker 1: so they're not that short, but it's twenty minutes every
31:28
Speaker 1: single day for five days. And this is how to
31:30
Speaker 1: gain control of your mind again. Okay. So it's for
31:34
Speaker 1: those people that you know hit the ground running, either
31:36
Speaker 1: in January when we did that like rebrand reset, or
31:40
Speaker 1: it could have been like halfway through last year or whatever,
31:44
Speaker 1: but where you feel like I had the I had
31:46
Speaker 1: all the momentum. I was so excited. I did my vision.
31:48
Speaker 1: But alahah, and now I feel like I'm stuck. I'm
31:50
Speaker 1: going nowhere, I'm gonna rut, nothing's happening. This is for you, Okay,
31:53
Speaker 1: five days. It's going to be a vibe, and I
31:55
Speaker 1: want you to use the tools that I give you.
31:58
Speaker 1: I want you to use the resources. I want you
32:00
Speaker 1: to be, you know, writing everything down because there's actual
32:04
Speaker 1: like easy, easy exercises that I want you doing throughout
32:07
Speaker 1: the five days. If you are an owner of the
32:10
Speaker 1: Brain Journal, my Brain Journal on just go to www
32:14
Speaker 1: dot Mindset Recreation club dot com. It's an iconic tool
32:18
Speaker 1: that you can use. Then this will come in very
32:20
Speaker 1: handy because I reference the Brain Journal. It's not necessary.
32:24
Speaker 1: You can absolutely do these five days without the Brain Journal.
32:26
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you right now, if you have the
32:28
Speaker 1: Brain Journal, this will tie in perfectly perfectly on how
32:33
Speaker 1: you can use that as a major tool for these
32:35
Speaker 1: five days. And if you want to get the Brain Journal,
32:38
Speaker 1: go to Mindset Recreation Club dot com. Purchase They last
32:41
Speaker 1: for a month. Okay, so there there's thin, beautiful, beautiful,
32:45
Speaker 1: soft colored. Oh they're stunning. You're just the aesthetic is
32:47
Speaker 1: just don't even talk to me. But you can get
32:49
Speaker 1: packs of one, three, six, or twelve for the whole year,
32:53
Speaker 1: and it's just a great way for how to how
32:55
Speaker 1: to track your habits, your moods, how to stay on
32:58
Speaker 1: on like in the zone daily for what it is
33:01
Speaker 1: that you're trying to focus on, whether it's feelings or
33:03
Speaker 1: whether it's intentions or whatever. So it's gonna be a
33:06
Speaker 1: great tool for the next five days next week. But
33:09
Speaker 1: if you are like I'm on a budget, babe, I'm
33:11
Speaker 1: not fucking buying anything, then you can still do it
33:13
Speaker 1: without the Brain Journal, but that is there as an option. Guys,
33:16
Speaker 1: thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. Love
33:19
Speaker 1: you so much. As always, remember be kind to yourself,
33:21
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
33:23
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunker