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Andy Stanley - What Happy Couples Know Part 1 Nothing · Andy Stanley Sermons

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We're broad here today by the love. That's Sarah and Davis half lord Shore.
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I can't believe I get to marry him. We're perfectly compatible in every
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way. Yeah, she just gets me man. Someone to talk to all
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night long, someone to talk to all night long, early morning jogs,
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sleeping and late. We'll spend the holidays with my parents. We'll spend the
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holidays with my parents. We'll have one well behaved daughter, We'll have four
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or five little dudes running around. He'll help me pay with my debt.
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I should probably tell her about all my debt. Is that important. We'll
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share a bank account, obviously, we're gonna share a Facebook account. Do
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I need a friend my in laws, someone to do my laundry, someone
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to do my laundry, double income, stay at home dad, meal planning,
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of course, take out the city, the urbs, mission trip,
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ski trip, red dog rings, potato butto minivan, motorcycle. Two words
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finished, basement, two words man, cave. He's so smart. Do
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you think that birds wish that they had hands? We're going to be so
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happy. We'll be so happy. I'm going to crush it at being a
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husband. So the ladies are thinking, finally, our relationship series. The
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men are thinking, I was just starting to like this guy. So,
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ladies, a couple things, just the stereotype, just a bit, ladies.
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Men that sort of get us all on the same page. Men think
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of relationships the way that most of you, not all of you, that
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most of you think about a car. Okay, we don't want to work
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on it, we just want it to work. So when you say,
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hey, let's talk about our relationship, I'm so glad we're having this relationship
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series, or maybe we can talk after the message. When you say let's
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talk about our relationship, here's what we hear. We hear there's something wrong
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with us, and you know how to fix it. And we remember when
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we were little boys, our dads disappeared with our pets to go get them
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fixed, and then they brought them back and they had a big plastic cone
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over their head. And so we don't really want to be fixed. That
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just that just conjures up all kinds of horrible memories. Ladies. When you
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say let's talk about her, let's work them, but let's talk about the
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relationship. It reminds me of sometimes when sand and I are driving somewhere and
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I'm driving and I hear a noise in my truck and I'm like, I
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turned down the radio. I'm like, do you hear that rattle that knock?
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She's like, no, I'm going listen real carefully, and she's trying.
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I'm like it is there is next thing? You know. She's driving
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and I'm in the backseat trying to find you know that what's wrong? You
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know that rattle, that noise in the back of the truck, and she's
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like, you know, grief, can we just not turn up the radio?
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You know? Or maybe ladies, your situation, if you're married,
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you look out and your husband's got the hood up and he's looking under the
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hood. Or you got in the garage he's got the hood up and you're
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thinking he doesn't even know anything about cars. Or you drive over to see
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your boyfriend and say, in this apartment, he's out in the parking lot
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and the hoods up and you say, is something wrong with your car?
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And he says, no, I'm just checking. I'm just kind of looking
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around, just checking. And ladies, you're thinking, look, as long
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as it's not broken down on the side of the road, do you really
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need to check it? To which we say, ah, that's the way
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we feel about relationships. If the broke or if the relationships are not broken
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down on the side of the road, do we really need to talk about
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it? And the answer is yes, we do. So for four weeks
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we're going to talk about relationships, relationships as it relates to singles, moving
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into a special relationship, you're in that special relationship, you're engaged, you're
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newlywed, you've been married for a while. We're going to encompass all of
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us for four weeks. Today is the first week, and if this is
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your first time with us, the first time watching, or the first time
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in one of our series, today is the introduction. So I'm going to
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sort of set the table, create the tension. There's not going to be
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a lot of Bible studies. So if this is your first time with us
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and you think do they never talk about the Bible in their church? Come
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back next week. We're going to look at one of the most fantastic relationship
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statements of any literature anywhere, and it's found in the New Testament. So
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you don't want to miss next week. But today I simply want to highlight
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the tension, describe the tension and hopefully give you some handles to talk about
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some things that maybe you've tried to talk about in the past and it just
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didn't go all that well when it comes to relationships. When it comes to
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relationships, all of us have a box, an invisible box of hopes,
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dreams, and desires. If you're single and not dating anybody, this is
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a very undefined box. The things in this box are very undefined for you.
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But as you move into a relationship, or as you think about moving
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toward a significant relationship, these become more defined. You have some hopes,
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you have some dreams, you have some wishes, you have some desires as
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it relates to a future relationship. If you're engaged, hopefully you've already talked
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about what is in your box, and you've heard from your fiance. You
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know what's in their box. If you're married. If you're married, you
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should definitely know what's in your spouse's box. And some of you do and
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some of you don't, which part of the problem. But we all have
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hopes, dreams, and desires when we think about the future. We all
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have some hopes, dreams, and desires. As it relates to this stuff.
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Right here. Money. You know, we're gonna have a lot of
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money, or we don't need a lot of money, or you know,
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love, we'll keep us alive to have double income, but I'm gonna save
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all of mine, or we're gonna have a single income. I'm gonna be
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a stay at home mom. I'm going to be a stay at home dad.
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Maybe we'll just have so much money we can both just stay at home.
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We're gonna have a budget, We're not gonna have a budget. A
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budget sounds like allowance I've never had. I don't want to start getting allowance
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again. So you have all these ideas, but you have some expectations,
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you have some hopes and dreams as it relates to your financial future. When
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Sandra and I got married, she had this little saying and I didn't catch
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on for a long time, and she would say this thing, and really,
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years in it finally dawned on me. Wait, wait a minute,
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that doesn't even make any sense. She would say this. She would say,
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well, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine? And I
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think because I showed up in the equation, I fell for it. I'm
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like, well, we're both in there, But wait a minute. So
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you have some ideas, you have some hopes, you have some dreams,
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you have some wishes, You have some ideas about if you ever, if
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you get together, and if you fall in love and get married someday,
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somehow, all the chores are gonna get done. And you think about how
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it happened in the family, your family of origin, or you think about
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the way that should happen, or the way you dream about that happen.
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You're gonna have live in some sort of thing. You're gonna rent, You're
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gonna least, you're gonna purchase. You're gonna keep driving the sports car forever.
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Maybe you'll talk him or talk her into trading her sports car for something,
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you know, more practical. You probably when you think about your future.
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One, if you want to have a child, if you're an only
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child, you're thinking, I like, I don't want my own I don't
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want to have an only child. I want to have some children. But
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if I have two girls, who're gonna keep going until we get a boy,
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and why not just have a basketball team. So you've got some hopes
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and dreams as it relates relates to those things, right, you got some
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You got a mental picture of what scheduling, you know, in a relationship
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is gonna be, like how we spend our discretionary time, our free time.
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I get to spend time with my friends. You spend time with your
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free your friends know we spend all of our time together. No, I
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don't want you to meet my friends. I mean there's there's you know,
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hopes and dreams and expectations as it relates to time, and then there's hopes
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and dreams as it relates to the calendar. And this was a big discussion
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for us too because Sandra, she was so fair. She said, I
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only want three holidays and your family can have all the rest. She said,
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I'll take our family will take. We'll spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in Easter
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with my family and you can have. You get Halloween, Groundhog Day,
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and she gave our family Festival of the Souls. She was so generous and
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something about that she was sixteenth Choctaw Indian and something how that was special and
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I realized that's like a Japanese thing that has something to do with emperor worship.
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But anyway, so but you sort of have a picture of how all
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of that's, you know, these are this is how it's all gonna work
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out. This is how you know we're gonna kind of live the dream.
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And then you know, there's travel. We'll travel a lot. We're gonna
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travel all around the world. Know we're gonna keep it in the United States.
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There's enough to see here. Maybe we just stay in the state of
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Georgia and know we're gonna travel all over all over. There's you know,
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hopes and dreams as it relates to that, and this is you know,
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every guy has some idea of what he hopes in dreams that his wife will
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not wear to bed and and she's thinking, but you know, he just
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wants me to be comfortable. He doesn't care. He accepts me just the
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way I am. He's gonna accept me just the way I am. That
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those sorts of things won't even matter. And then of course there's conflict resolution,
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you know, because you've got to you know, you've got to resolve
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conflict in the marriage and are in a relationship. You know, initially there's
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there's conflict in just about every relationship. And so the expectation is, or
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the thought is, well, we'll just talk it all out, get everything
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out on the table and just be completely honest. I mean, we'll just
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be just extremely honest with each other so we can work through things. And
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maybe somebody else is thinking, no, no, that's how you hurt people's
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feelings. You don't say everything that's true. You just make sure that what
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you say is true. One person says, will you raise your voice?
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I grew up in a family. We raised our voice, we yelled in
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scream, but we got it all out and we were all good at the
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end. No, we don't raise our voices because raising our voices is insensitive.
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So we're we're just gonna you know, that's not how you resolve.
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That's not how we're gonna resolve conflict. And then, god, some guys
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are thinking conflict resolution. I kind of thought that's what sex was for.
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Then there's this big one that I don't even have something to visit to illustrate
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it. And that's basically, how are we gonna treat each other? How
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are we going to How am I going to behave toward him? How is
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she going to behave toward me? How am I going to behave? When?
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What do I expect? I, you know, my husband or my
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fiance, my my girlfriend she's never gonna say, she's never gonna use this
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term, she's never gonna threaten. I mean, there's just an expectation you
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may have never defined. In fact, I think most people don't, but
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you have a pretty clear expectation about how you will be treated in this very
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very significant relationship. If she he loves me, he would never. If
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he loves me, he'll never. Now, there are several things that impact
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what we put in our hopes, dreams, and desires box, and we
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all have a box. There are several things that impact that. One of
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the things that impact that is what we've seen and what we've heard, what
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you've seen, maybe in other relationships, what you've seen modeled what you saw
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the folks next door, what you've read, what you've seen, what you've
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seen in culture. But primarily the thing that impacts what we put in our
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box is really what we've experienced, and for many of us is what we
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experienced in the home we grew up in. That our hopes and our dreams
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and our desires. And this is such a big deal and it's complicated and
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it's emotional, but most of our hopes, dreams, and desires are a
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response to what we grew up in and what we grew up around. We
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are either trying to avoid something or we're trying to recreate something. We're trying
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to avoid something that you know, Oh my gosh, you know, my
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relationship is not going to be like that. I'm not going to be like
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my dad. I'm not gonna be like my mom. We're not gonna have
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that kind of relationship where either we either put in our box things that help
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us avoid something, or you grew up in a situation where where it's like,
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Wow, that's exactly what I want, and maybe it wasn't your parents,
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maybe your older brother sister has like a fabulous relationship and you're like,
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that's the kind of relationship I want to have. I'm not simply trying to
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avoid something. I'm trying to repeat something. I'm trying to recreate something.
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But even in those situations where we are trying to recreate something great, even
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in those ideal situations where we're trying to recreate something that's healthy, that's worth
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recreating. In the middle of all of this is me, Because these are
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my hopes, and these are my dreams, and these are my desires,
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and at some point in the relationship, and I, you know, we
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don't even know when this is happening. This is why I just sort of
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want to put some visuals with this so we can think about it in sort
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of concrete, tangible ways. It's one point in the relationship while you're dating,
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once you get engaged, maybe you at the altar, maybe a month
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after you're married, maybe a year after you're married. At some point along
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the way, we can't help ourselves. We essentially take our box of hopes,
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dreams and desires and we say, here, make them come true.
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Make them come true. This is what I always dreamed it would be like.
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This is what I hoped it would be like. The reason I pursued
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you, the reason I ask you out, the reason I said yes when
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you asked me out, the reason I asked you to marry me, the
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reason I said yes when you asked me to marry the reason that I walked
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down the aisle with you, is because in my mind, this is what
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the future looks like. And I need you to come through for me.
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But the challenge is, and the problem is, and the tension comes when
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we hand somebody our box of hopes, dreams and desires. It doesn't feel
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like hopes, dreams and desires to them. Does it to them? It
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feels like expectations to them. It feels like a weight to them. It
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feels like the bar has been raised to them. It feels like a homework
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assignment to them. It feels like a responsibility to them. It feels like
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if they don't come through, you might be disappointed with them. Expectations are
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simply this a strong desire or a strong belief, rather that something will happen
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now. It may not happen in the first month, may not happen in
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the first year. But you know, one day we'll get there, aren't
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we? Honey? Won't We will get there one day, won't we?
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The strong belief that something will happen, or that it will be the case
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in the future. I mean, it's not our dream home, but we're
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working toward that. I mean, he hasn't gotten rid of that yet,
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but he will. She hasn't changed her mind yet, but she will.
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We haven't gotten there yet, but we will. Won't We won't We won't
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we? It's the strong belief that something will happen or will be the case
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in the future. But the problem is this and you're smart enough to know
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this. I'm just putting words around things. Perhaps you thought, and perhaps
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have felt that attempting to recreate, attempting to recreate or avoid something from the
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past. Anytime we attempt to recreateor avoid something from the past, it transforms
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hopes, dreams, and desires into expectations. So even in the best of
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relationships, even in the most ideal relationships, even when the best fall down,
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sometime, even when the wrong words seem to rhyme out of the doubt
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that fills my mind, I somehow, I'm so confused that this happened.
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I somehow fine, We somehow fine. What that You and I? What
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collide? That's right? See what I did there? Yeah, And here's
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the thing. When eyes collide, you know, it's not really a you
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and I collide. It's eyes collide. And when eyes collide, we swap
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boxes. I give you mine, you give me yours. And what was
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intangible and ethereal and hopeful and dreamy. And I've spent years thinking about this,
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and I've always envisioned it would be this way. Suddenly it's a burden
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to someone and you're handed their burden, their expectations as well. Now,
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when ice collide, we do one of five things, and I want to
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talk about the first four today for just a few minutes. When ice collde
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we do one of four things. The most extreme thing is we leave.
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We just say, you know what, that's not what I had in mind.
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That's not what I bargained for. I didn't know. You didn't tell
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me, you weren't honest, you didn't make it clear. That's not what
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I signed up for. You change the rules, you know, you switch
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gears, you switch lanes, you switch horses. This is just is not
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what I signed up for. I can't carry this expectation. I can't meet
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this expectation. I'll never live up to what you want me to live up
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to. This will never be a reality for us. And I don't want
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to live with the pressure. I can't take the pressure. And so I'm
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out of here. And do you know what you do when you leave?
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You pick up your box of hopes, dreams, and desires and you cart
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it off off to the next relationship. Second thing we do if we don't
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leave, is we win. A lot of us just want to win.
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In every relationship, there's generally a stronger personality, not always but oftentimes the
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case, that's the case, and in those situations, oftentimes one person powers
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up and they win. They leverage what I call the four seas to an
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unsatisfying and dysfunctional relationship. You know what those are, the four seas.
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I'll show them to you real quick. Here. If you want to have
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a terrible relationship, here is the prescription right here. You convince, you
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convict, you control, and you coerce, you convince. You know what
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we convince? We say. Now, look, I realize, I realize
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you know. This is how you thought it should be. But you're wrong.
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I realize this is how you always, you know, dealt with conflict
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in your family. But let me tell you how it's going to be.
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I realize you always dreamed about I know. But see, honey, you
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have the wrong box. See Yours is the bad box. Mine is the
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good box. My box is how the world works. This is the rational
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way to do it. This is the right way to do it. If
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if you'll just trust me and live the life that I want you to live
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and become more like me, you'll be happier. Because aren't people always happier
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when they try to become like someone else? Of course is don't We always
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become happier when we throw away and abandon who we are and who God created
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us to be in order to conform to the image of our partner. Of
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course, it is a recipe for happiness. So, honey, if you
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will just abandon everything in your box and embrace mind, it'll all work out.
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And you convince and you convict, you convict because you make them feel
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guilty. It's like, Okay, I don't want to be critical. That's
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just kind of dumb. Okay, I don't want to be I don't want
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to be critical. But did that work out for your parents? No,
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So we're not gonna do it that way. I don't. I don't want
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to, you know, you know, judge you or judge your family.
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But just I mean, they're a wreck. So no, we're not gonna
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do it that way. And we control and we coerce, and at the
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end of the day, here's the interesting thing. The winner. The winner
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is happy. The winner's happy. In fact, they're always grinned to me.
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Life is great. They're living out their dream and they've got somebody to
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help them live out their dreaming. They can't quite figure out what's wrong with
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her and what's wrong with him, But he's coming along, he's doing a
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lot better. You know. Just pray because I'm happy because you know,
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we got two people working out of my box, right and they ultimately and
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eventually conform to the image of your box, which, of course, this
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is the correct box. This is the right way to do things. So
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the third response is just the flip side to the person or the opposite to
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the person who wins. The third response is where the conformer. We become
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somebody. We're not to compensate for somebody who won't love us. We become
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somebody. We're not to compensate for someone who will not accept us as we
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are. We abandon who we are in order to embrace what makes another person
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happy, regardless of whether or not it works for us and works with us.
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We just basically conform, and conforming works for a while. It really
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works for the person who wants, but it works for the person who conformed
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as well, because the temperature goes down in the relationship. You know that
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the tension goes down in the relationship. As long as she's happy, I'll
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just deal with it. As long as he's happy, I'll just deal with
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it. It's not my dream, it's not my hope, it's not what
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i'd wish for, it's not what i'd expected. But you know what,
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if he's happy, if she's happy, I'll just deal with it. But
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in the end of the day, at the end of the day, when
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somebody in a relationship is simply giving up who they are to become somebody that
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they're not, at the end of the day, they lose respect for their
19:27
partner and their partner loses respect for them. And then the fourth response is
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the most common response. We just compromise. In fact, I think for
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many people they think this is the goal, that this is the win,
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this is how you stay married. You just compromise. And perhaps you saw
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this with your parents. Your parents weren't unhappy, they weren't real happy.
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They just they just got along. They just worked it out. Or maybe
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you've even said, you know, my parents, they eventually they just kind
19:57
of figured it out because in the compromise marriage, I'm gonna do my part
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and you do your part, and I'm gonna keep an eye on you to
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make sure you do your part, and I know you're watching me to make
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sure I do my part. In a compromise. Marriage, there's scorekeeping.
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Everybody's keeping score, everybody's keeping a record. It's a bit contractual. You
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know, we didn't we agree. This year was my year with my family.
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Next year's year a year with your don't even bring up next year because
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we've already decided. I don't care what's happening. I know your father's sick.
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That's tough, but it's my You know, we're gonna just kidding,
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We're gonna be with my family no matter what, because we come on,
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we already decided, we've already worked this out. And this kind of relationship,
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whether it's a dating relationship, engaged relationship, marriage relationship, there's low
20:41
trust. In fact, the trust continues to get lower and lower and lower.
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And where there's low trust, there's low intimacy. And here's why you
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cannot be actually intimate with anyone you're not willing to fully give yourself to.
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And you will not fully give yourself to someone you don't completely trust. In
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fact, you can't give yourself fully to someone you don't completely trust. If
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you're single and you want to know the secret to great sex and marriage,
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it has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with anything
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physical. It has everything to do with intimacy, and intimacy is tied to
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trust. And in a relationship that's characterized by any of these things, and
21:15
maybe perhaps especially to this one, something begins to happen. I mean,
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there's still it's still physical, but it's not amazing. It's not intimacy because
21:26
everybody is a little bit on guard lest they be taken advantage of. And
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it's ultimately very unfulfilling. It'll work, you can go the distance, you
21:38
can end your life together, but there's a better way. And the other
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thing about compromises, this this, and this is a subtle thing. At
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the end of the day, a compromised relationship is fueled by a commitment to
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the wrong thing. And this sounds bad when I say it, but we'll
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talk about it. It's actually fueled by a commitment to the relationship. In
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fact, you may have said this before. You've heard someone say this before.
22:04
They might you've heard somebody say I'm committed to my marriage. I'm committed
22:07
to my marriage, and this sounds good, but nobody marries a marriage.
22:14
I'm committed to my marriage. I married a marriage, and I'm committed to
22:18
my marriage sounds good. But nobody marries a marriage, nobody dates a relationship,
22:25
nobody is engaged to a relationship. There is another name in the equation.
22:30
And I say, the first time I bumped into this, we had
22:33
not been married for very long, Santa, and not not been married for
22:36
very long. We were with a couple and they were older than us,
22:40
and they were doing good. You know, there's a harri you know,
22:44
we're kind of getting long. And you know, they kept saying, you
22:45
know, marriage is hard, marriages this and marriages that I'm like, ours
22:49
is and ours is fun. Right now you're ruined. It is this what
22:52
we have to look forward to. Thank you for sharing, you know.
22:55
And and at some point the conversation, one of them said, I've talked
22:57
about being committed to their marriage. We got in the car and we were
23:02
driving home. I said, and this is years ago, and I'm sure
23:03
I did not say this near as eloquently as I'm going to try to say
23:07
it now, because you know, early on in marriage you kind of say
23:10
the right things the wrong way, and the wrong things some times sometimes come
23:12
out the right way, and you get more credit than you deserve. And
23:15
I think this was one of those conversations, and what I was trying to
23:18
say to Sandra is this. I said, Honey, I don't really want
23:21
you to be committed to our marriage. I want you to be committed to
23:26
me. And you know what, I don't want our relationship to devolve to
23:30
the level to where I'm just committed to marriage. I mean, you could
23:33
be anybody. I'm just committed to marriage. Just put anybody in the marriage.
23:37
I'm committed to me. No, I hope you always feel like beyond
23:41
being committed to marriage, I'm committed to you the person. Because being committed
23:48
to my marriage, or to say I want my marriage to work or I
23:53
want my relationship to work. Once again, who's in the middle of all
23:57
that. It's me. It's about my marriage and my future, and my
24:03
reputation and my kids going up with two parents in the home. It's all
24:07
about I mean, and this is not a bad thing. In fact,
24:10
if you only get this far and you finish together, that's good. I
24:14
mean, being four marriage is better than being against marriage, right, and
24:17
wanting your marriage to be a good marriage is certainly better than not wanting your
24:21
marriage to be a good marriage. But there's something beyond that because there is
24:23
another face, and there is another name, there is another person in the
24:27
equation besides you, and at the end of the day, this will work.
24:36
But it's not all that much fun and it's not all that fulfilling.
24:41
So when eyes collide, when ies colyde, we leave. We try to
24:47
win, we conform, or perhaps we compromise, but when eyes collide,
24:52
for sure, we loses. Now, as I said, there's another option,
24:57
and the fifth is what happy couples know. And we're going to spend
25:02
next week the entire time talking about that fifth option, which is a little
25:06
frustrating, but we're going to get to it next week and it's so powerful
25:07
and it's so wonderful and it's so amazing. We're going to spend the entire
25:11
time on it. But for the next few minutes, I want to frame
25:14
the problem in a way that will help you and help us understand exactly where
25:17
we're headed for the next few weeks, because I would imagine nothing I've said
25:21
thus far is unique, or I've never heard it before. Maybe I've just
25:22
put some different terms on a dynamic that you're experiencing now or that you don't
25:26
want to experience in the future, or maybe you experienced in a previous relationship
25:30
and it's like, oh my gosh, that's exactly what was going on.
25:33
I just, you know, I just didn't have the visual aids, you
25:36
know, to illustrate it. So let me frame this one more time in
25:40
a little bit different way, and we'll wrap this up. Expectations expectations create
25:45
in any relationship, In any relationship, expectations create a debt debtor relationship.
25:51
In other words, whenever I put all my hopes, wishes and dreams on
25:55
you and expect you to do something for them in that moment, I live
25:59
under this. I live under the assumption that now you owe me. See
26:04
you, Now I've committed my life to you, committed your life to me,
26:07
or we're moving toward committing our lives to each other, which means these
26:10
are my hopes, dreams and desires, and now that I'm handing them to
26:12
you, this is what you owe me. You are in debt to me.
26:17
You owe me attention, You owe me to fully resolve the conflict.
26:21
You owe it to me to make sure that I enjoy how we do the
26:22
calendar and the money and the travel and everything else. You owe me affection,
26:26
You owe me to pay the bills. You owe me to provide for
26:30
me. You owe me to make sure the house is clean. You owe
26:33
me to stay fit, to stay in shape. You owe me patience.
26:34
You owe it to me to play with the kids. You know, a
26:37
lotted amount of time. You owe kids to me. You owe me clean
26:41
socks. You you owe me, and I owe you. And even though
26:45
both of us are in debt to each other, it creates a debt debt
26:48
or relationship which is not what God ultimately had in mind when you put the
26:52
first man in the first woman together. See, it boils down to this,
26:56
that's what you're supposed to do. I mean, that's what a man
27:00
does. I mean, that's what my father did. That's what a woman's
27:03
supposed to do. That's what my mom did. That's what you know.
27:06
That's what men are supposed to do. That's what wives are supposed to do.
27:08
This is what you're supposed to do. Now here's a question for you,
27:11
and I know you know the answer. How much gratitude? Because this
27:15
is a big part of the equation, This is a big part of attention.
27:18
How much gratitude? How much gratitude do you express to people who pay
27:23
you what they owe you. How much gratitude do you express to people who
27:30
do what they're supposed to do, who give what they're supposed to give,
27:37
who simply provide the service they're supposed to provide. I mean, how much
27:40
gratitude do you express to the person that sort of meets the minimum requirement or
27:44
at least does what you know you contractually decided they're going to do. How
27:48
much gratitude do you express to that person? The answer is minimal, minimal.
27:53
We rarely express gratitude for what we've come to expect. Now Here's that's
28:00
the tricky part about being with the same person for many, many, many
28:02
years. In every relationship and every marriage, you get into a routine,
28:04
which is fine. You have to have routines and every relationship there are roles,
28:10
not assigned roles, because there's some rules that say men always and women
28:12
always not that kind of role. But in the context of your particular relationship,
28:17
there will be certain responsibilities and certain roles that will be fulfilled by each
28:21
person in the relationship. That's just the way the world works. That's a
28:23
good thing. But when you or when I come to expect from someone what
28:29
they've always done. When it comes down to me expecting Sandra to do what
28:33
Sandra's always done, the gratitude is going to be minimal, which communicates this
28:41
is what I expect all along. I'm not gonna thank you when you do
28:44
it, but I'm gonna ask you when you don't. I'm not gonna say,
28:48
wow, I'm surprised, thank you for doing that, even though you
28:49
do it every single day or every single Thursday, or every single you know,
28:52
whatever the routine is. But if I don't, if I get so
28:56
accustomed to that that I come to expect it, then I quit expressing gratitude
29:03
for it. Because here's what gratitude is this, and this is something you
29:07
can start today. Gratitude is wow, I didn't expect that. Okay,
29:15
what do you mean to expect it? I fix your lunch every morning.
29:18
I know. Every morning you fix my lunch and you hand it to me,
29:22
And I'm surprised every morning because I do not expect you to do this
29:26
every morning. I know, but I've done it every morning for the last
29:27
three years. I know. But every morning I am as grateful as I
29:33
was the first time, because when I take that lunch, I don't expect
29:36
it tomorrow. Thank you. Gratitude says I didn't expect that, and I'm
29:40
grateful for it. I'm telling you, this is how you supercharge, and
29:44
this is how you fuel healthy relationships because gratitude is an indication I've not filled
29:51
up a box full of expectations. The other thing about this whole debt or
29:56
thing that is so insidious and again you don't see it happening. Wake up
30:00
one day and you ask yourself, you know what's wrong? And how do
30:03
we get here? And why isn't it the way it used to be that
30:06
a debt, debt or relationship eliminates And this is this is interesting. A
30:10
debt debt or kind of relationship, it actually eliminates the possibility. It eliminates
30:15
the possibility of unconditional love because if you owe me, you can't love me.
30:21
In fact, owe me eliminates love me. If I owe you flowers,
30:25
I mean, if I owe Sandra flowers, it's well it's Valentine's you
30:27
know, we're the flowers. Here's the flowers. All right, Well we're
30:30
back to zero. I made it. Well, it's my birthday. Where's
30:33
the card in the gift I got the card in the gift, well,
30:36
thank you, Or if it's the other way around, well it's Christmas.
30:37
You know where's my gift? Oh we're back to zero. If I owe
30:41
you, I can't love you. Because love requires margin. Love does not
30:47
do well in an environment of expectation. In an environment of expectation, it's
30:53
almost impossible to recognize love. In fact, expectations will put this next screen
30:59
up here. Expectations actually removed the margin necessary to love. For love to
31:03
be recognized and appreciated, you can't even see it when it's happening. Why
31:07
Because it's what I expected, It's what I'm accustomed to, It's what I'm
31:11
used to. She always does, he always does, My father always did,
31:14
my mother always did. It's what women are supposed to do. It
31:15
is what men are supposed to do. Is what couples are supposed to do.
31:18
It's a supposed to do things. And he's meeting the expectations, she's
31:22
meeting the requirement. So why would I be overwhelmed with gratitude? And you've
31:27
eliminated this is a powerful thought. You've eliminated the potential for love to even
31:33
be recognized or expressed. And this is why A box full of expectations undermines
31:41
intimacy in a relationship because this feels like pressure every single day of the week.
31:53
If I meet your expectations, we're back to even. But I can't
31:59
ever do an enough to make you feel like I love you. And in
32:05
fact, it doesn't feel like I ever do enough, because there's always something
32:08
more you're expecting. That's no way, that's no way to live. And
32:15
the good news is you don't have to live that way. And you know
32:19
how, I know because I know happy couples, and I know something happy
32:22
couples know, and I'm gonna tell you next week. So here's the question,
32:28
Okay, A couple of questions, A couple of questions. All right,
32:30
put all these back over here where they belong. Here, here's the
32:31
question. What should we do? What should we do with our hopes and
32:37
dreams and our desires? What should we do with them? I mean,
32:39
do we just pretend I never wanted children? You know, I don't care
32:45
how we spend our time. I have no vision at all. We don't
32:46
even have to live indoors. It doesn't matter to me. You know,
32:51
It's okay if we never leave the city limits. You know, I don't
32:52
care what I drive. I'll do all the work. You know, who
32:55
needs money? Level will keep us alive. We don't need any of that.
32:58
I mean, what do you what do you do with all of this?
33:00
Ignore them? No, deny them. No. For some of you,
33:05
you've spent years filling up this box. And you know what, much
33:07
of what is in this box is a good things? In fact, it's
33:10
probably all good things. In fact, some of these things stem from the
33:14
fact that you bear the image of God. But what do we do with
33:20
this? Just feel guilty about it? Pretend hi to ignore lie. The
33:24
short answer is you keep them in this box, which leads to the next
33:30
question, how do you do that? How do I keep this stuff here
33:35
and not put it over there and hand it to the person that I want
33:37
to spend the rest of my life with? How do I keep these things
33:40
in the box? And the short answer to that question is the correct answer
33:46
to this next question. And this next question will bother you, And it'll
33:52
bother you because you know the answer to this question. This is something that
33:59
happy people. No, this is not intuitive, This may make you run
34:04
for the hills, but this is a game changing idea. And I certainly
34:08
didn't originate it. The best way to keep hopes, dreams, and desires
34:14
in the hopes, dreams and desires box and out of the expectation box is
34:19
to ask this question, what do they owe you? What do they owe
34:28
you? What do they owe you? And happy couples know that the answer
34:35
to this question is nothing. Happy couples know that they owe each other everything
34:44
but are not owed anything in return, which doesn't make any sense. So
34:47
I'm going to say it again. Happy couples know that they owe each other
34:52
everything, but they're not owed anything in return. It doesn't make any sense.
34:57
But let me tell you about the happiest couples. You know, there's
35:00
something about them that doesn't make any sense. It's true, they go through
35:05
hard times and they're happy. It don't make any sense. They're not like
35:07
fabulous, incredible, talented, rich people and they're just happy and that doesn't
35:12
make any sense. And they some of them have a lot of kids,
35:15
and some of them weren't able to have kids, and they're happy, and
35:17
this doesn't make any sense. There's something about extraordinarily happy couples that's always a
35:22
mystery. And I'm telling you what part of the mystery is they live every
35:25
day under the assumption that they owe each other everything and they don't expect anything
35:31
in return. Now, Christians, Christians, and I think many many happy
35:37
couples leverage a very very Christian principle. But you know, happy Christian couples,
35:44
they take their cue from Jesus one all encompassing command. When Jesus was
35:49
at the end of his ministry years, he got his guys together and he
35:51
said, now, look, when we started off together, there were six
35:53
hundred and thirty something Jewish commands. I reduce them down to two. Now
35:57
right before I go, I'm going to reduce them down to one. So
35:59
John down, because you're only gonna have to remember one thing. Ready,
36:00
John, here we go. Here's what he said. As I've loved you,
36:06
you're to love one another. And the old days it was doing to
36:08
others as you would have others do unto you. Okay, those days are
36:12
gone. This is better. As I have loved you, so you are
36:15
to love one another. And then the apostle Paul comes along. After that.
36:20
He takes jesus over arching, single new command and he applies it to
36:24
all kinds of relationships and all kinds of situations and one other things that he
36:29
applies it to. One of the relationship ship he applies it to is the
36:31
relationship of marriage. So next week we're going to look at how Paul takes
36:36
jesus overarching command and applies it to marriage. But here's another statement the Apostle
36:39
Paul made as he teased out this overarching you know, one marching order command
36:45
that Jesus left his followers with. Here's what he wrote. I love this.
36:49
He said to all Christians everywhere. He said, walk in the way
36:52
of love, to which we think of a love song or our you know,
36:55
our girl friend, or somebody that we love. He is not I'm
36:58
not done yet, Okay, walk the way of love, just as and
37:00
throughout Paul's teaching. This is so powerful. Throughout Paul's teaching. You see
37:05
these two words, because Paul says, as a follower of Jesus and every
37:09
relationship and every situation, we take our cue from our Savior. So I
37:14
want you to walk in the way of love. What does that look like?
37:16
Just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, and Christian
37:22
men and Christian women and Christian couples take this idea and they drop it into
37:28
the center of their relationship, into the center of this dynamic with all the
37:31
potential tension, and when they do, marriage begins to look like a submission
37:39
competition, a race to the back of the line, which sounds miserable,
37:50
which is why so few try it. But those who do enjoy it.
37:55
It's one of the things that happy couples know. Now, we're gonna pick
38:00
it up right there next week. But I want to give you two pieces
38:05
of homework. They're both just thought homework. In fact, if you're with
38:08
your fiance or your significant other, your husband or your wife, I would
38:13
encourage you. I would highly encourage you not to talk about the sermon today.
38:16
Okay, don't talk about the sermon today because you're like, wells can
38:22
wait. Let's take the long way home, long way home, you know,
38:24
let's go wait in line. Listen, don't do that. Okay.
38:28
My questions have nothing to do with your partner or your spouse or your significant
38:32
other. This is a you question. And here are my two questions.
38:35
The first one is this what's in your box? You should know the answer
38:38
to that. You should know one of the reasons you accidentally applied pressure to
38:45
the person you love is because you're not clear about what's in here, and
38:46
it's not clear to them, and it's a fog and it's confusing, and
38:50
they're constantly trying to know how high to jump and how load to duck,
38:52
and it's just not clear what's in your box? You should know that you
38:55
should maybe write it down. If you're single and not even a relationship,
39:00
you should start thinking about this question because eventually you're going to bring a box
39:04
to somebody. You just are We just do. And the second question is
39:07
this, and this is maybe the more important question. Are you expecting someone
39:15
to carry it around for you? Have you handed this off intentionally or unintentionally?
39:22
Is somebody living with the extra weight and the extra pressure that they were
39:28
not designed to live, that they were not designed to carry, that they
39:30
were not designed to live with. Have you inadvertently just because of the nature
39:35
and the speed of life and you didn't know any better? Is there's somebody
39:37
you love who's carrying around the weight the expectations of your hopes, dreams and
39:45
desires. What's in your box? And have you handed it off to somebody
39:51
else to carry assass