Latest / Black Girls Are Easy Podcast / The Best Dating Advice

Transcript

The Best Dating Advice · Black Girls Are Easy Podcast

0:01
L Lambert Hellou. If you can create a dating app, it would be
0:08
called blank and it would match people based on blank. It would be called
0:14
thirst trap and it would match you on a series of questions and not how
0:19
you look, because the ultimate thirst trap should be your personality, not your
0:24
looks. And I think people on these apps stay swipes, swipes, swipe,
0:28
Oh she's cute, Oh he looks over. No you're not. You're
0:31
missed out on so many people because you're just looking at the bullshit. But
0:35
I think if you know, like let's say ten random questions that really die
0:40
deep that you's got to answer, and then you swipe, oh this matches
0:43
up what I think, I'll swipe on this person, that's how you get.
0:47
So you would genuinely like have in composers when you first message somebody.
0:51
If after you match, it would force you to talk about the things you
0:55
wrote on that question there, and so you automatically have conversation starter as an
0:59
icebreaker, because now you have something to talk about instead of saying, oh
1:03
you look cute. Oh I saw you like the hike. It's redundant shit
1:07
that goes nowhere. I get so many messages about oh we message the thing,
1:11
and then the conversation dried up. Yeah, because both of y'all born
1:12
and shit, because you don't know each other either one of you are showing
1:15
your personality in a fucking dating app. Yeah, message thing. Yeah,
1:19
it's very shallow and surface level for sure. I think that's a good idea
1:23
thirst trap Go ahead, do that. You know it's a lot of money
1:26
in apps. Talking talking to silic right now, elon, they need a
1:30
new dain app too, because all I hear bitches complain about is how there
1:34
ain't nobody on hands. That's It's like they said the same thing about Bumbo
1:38
saying aultendancy change the next thing, it'll be this one. They're like,
1:41
ain't nobody on that thirst trap app? Anybody asks the same question the same
1:45
It's like people. The thing about dating is that people have a negative outlook
1:51
from the get go. And if you think there's nobody on something or there's
1:53
no one out there, that's never gonna be about there. All you're gonna
1:57
keep manifesting is nothingness because you think there's nothing news. So if you want
2:00
to fucking find somebody anywhere, change your fucking outlook in the first place,
2:05
and then see what opportunities spring forth from not being so damn neggative. Once
2:14
again, It's time you've read the Single Men Felt Love Women Like You.
2:23
Only podcast that gives you a brutally honest breakdown of the relationships. Bring me
2:28
out the plastic. Got been acting praying new, but she's acting like they
2:30
running ship. They really ran through. I spend that five honey before I
2:35
ever trap you. They thought I was gonna fall off. I hate to
2:38
bring your pan news through so many rats of beach. Can't even see the
2:40
flum from Atlanta to Later. Only time I'm backing forth. Treat niggas,
2:46
make you peak, Reach niggas, get you both, Kater Biley to ballet,
2:49
and Lady Nigga dry the boat quiet, let me pop off little clubs,
2:53
sloppy trump, come home and get my rock. You're in dating expert,
2:58
I would say dating coach, like the guy that knows the things.
3:00
And I want women to win, like I want my girls to get what
3:05
they want, regardless of what it is, whether it's marriage, a non
3:08
committal situation, enjoy being single. I want to help women get into that
3:15
winner's mindset. So I want to ask you a couple of questions about that,
3:19
all right, Well, first and foremost, what made you want to
3:23
start Black girls are easy? I just wanted a space where I could,
3:27
uh not vent, but just like go through the stuff that my friends were
3:31
going through and break down. Like like if you look at my original like
3:36
blog posts, it was all about like personal stories like this is what my
3:39
homegirl did and this is how what happened. Is like my running breakdown to
3:45
like what started, how she fucked up, what she said to me about
3:49
why she fucked up. And it was like a lot of insight came from
3:52
like breaking downty stories, and then people wanted more. They it's like,
3:54
now I should talk about music, you know, just like you all love
3:58
music and stuff. I talked about music, TV stuff, but people really
4:00
wanted to know more about like oh, when you said she should have did
4:03
this? Da Like I had like the running comments section. All the comments
4:08
used to be like but what like people you know, throwing their own business,
4:11
what if I did this or the guy didn't do this. I'm like,
4:14
I'm not sitting in the comments answering all y'all damn questions. So I
4:16
like I would craft these things every If you look at the first year that
4:20
website. Everything was in a response to like someone's comment or explanation of something
4:28
else I saw. So it became like this need of like, all right,
4:30
people want to know X, Y and Z. I'm gonna give it
4:32
to him raw and unfiltered, without because I think a lot of the dating
4:38
advice is basically like I think positive, you'll be okay, you know what,
4:43
just got to work it out. It's a lot of bullshit like that
4:46
your mother or like your best friend would tell you to try to cheer you
4:48
up. It's not like, no, you're being prayed on, and this
4:51
is why you're being prayed on. If you want to stop being prayed on,
4:54
that's what you need to do. Oh why did you go over there
4:57
so early and have sex with him just because he said he liked you?
5:00
Do you really not? Are you that naive? I know you're not stupid,
5:02
you're smart, but you're being naive because you think he's cute and you
5:04
didn't want to lose him, so you gave it the pussy so fast?
5:06
What's wrong with you? Stuff like that became like a running thing in all
5:11
the early ones, so it just expanded from there. Okay, okay,
5:15
that's fair why the name change from black Girls are Easy too far from basics?
5:19
Zuckerberg he banned the Facebook page was like over one hundred thousand people,
5:30
and it was like no huge, Like every time posted a lot of people
5:33
reacted to it. I think the site would crash because I had way too
5:36
much traffic, and a lot of traffic back and day was coming from Facebook
5:41
and suddenly, you know, PC culture became a thing and I gots a
5:46
couple like that's I don't like the name, Like it would all every day
5:48
they would be a comment about the name, and mostly like the comment people
5:51
in the comments were defended like oh, if you actually read it, you
5:55
understand the name black Girl's easy. He actually broke down why it's called that,
5:59
and they give a fucked They soone that you know they went to carrying
6:01
it like now this isn't right. You shouldn't say that stuff. This is
6:03
derogatory. So Facebook probably got way too many complaints and it's like traffic stall.
6:10
Like I would post something where we'd like get ten thousand with likes,
6:14
and all these shares from one hundred thousand people that found it became nothing was
6:19
like a dozen and I'm like what's going on? And they really fucking shadow
6:25
band you on your own sheet. This is before if shattle band was even
6:28
a thing with Instagram, like they were doing shit wait before Instagram, Like
6:30
meta is a motherfucker. And I was like shit. I was like,
6:34
if I want to continue to promote the site and have it grow, I
6:38
gotta change the name and so like that was a pain ass because you got
6:42
to change everything. Yeah, and it took me forever to come from your
6:46
name was like, well I can't clearly, I can't put black girls in
6:48
the title. Plus it was a good thing because a lot of my fan
6:53
base now are like everything. It's like so many Asian women read this website
6:58
and a lot of women from all like Australia is a big thing, and
7:00
even Nigeria now and I think outside of the UK, uh it's probably the
7:06
biggest place. So it's like a melting pot of all these people that read
7:11
the site. And it's like it wasn't just black women, and most of
7:14
the advice I was given wasn't even the black women anymore. Maybe I just
7:16
priced myself out too much, but it was like all these vikerls coming to
7:19
me with these these random dating topics that were like weren't about the black community
7:26
anymore. And I'm like, well, I need to expand and talk more
7:28
about this stuff because I know a lot of ain't shit white men too,
7:31
So that's a thing that's a real thing to be bitches be thinking white men
7:36
any better. They're not. They all trash, they're social paths. Like
7:42
it's it's crazy, like I got some the worst stories I've gotten is more
7:46
about white men or Middle Eastern men more than black men. Should women have
7:50
sex on the first date? Does it kill the chances of a real commitment.
7:56
That's a complicated one because logically you shouldn't be having sex on the first
8:01
date. I think I joked about a man shit, but like no one
8:05
should be doing it because it's too early. And it's like it creates a
8:07
either quick's a quick bond or kicks like oh the luss is gone, I
8:11
don't really want to get you to know you anymore. And the weird it's
8:13
the thing about a lot of men and my friends. I never really thought
8:16
like this, even when I had sex with girls fast. I never really
8:20
thought this way. But a lot of my friends was like she a hole
8:22
because she let me hit it quick. I'm like, but it's like,
8:26
how is she a hole when she just liked your You know what I'm saying,
8:28
Like you you're a part of this too. Yeah, never understood that.
8:33
I never understood that there's two people like each other. It doesn't make
8:35
either one of them bad person. But I think the problem is is that
8:39
we live in a society where a lot of people wear masks. So don't
8:43
have sex quick because you don't know who this person is a lot of the
8:45
emails I get and this is like team I, but like they always talk
8:50
about I never came like this before, or he was fucking me like this.
8:54
It's like they always lead with these crazy sex stories where it's like was
8:58
it the same or was it the potential who this person could be? That
9:03
you really open yourself up to have this great sex because sometimes good sex requires
9:07
like a mental connection, and I think that connection is false on the first
9:11
date because you don't really know this person. Yeah, the connection is shallow.
9:15
It has nothing to do with like connection or emotional bond because you don't
9:18
know this motherfucker at all. But then you have people like oh yeah we
9:22
had sex first date and then we got that makes me question is it sex
9:24
really that good? Because you don't know this nigga, And shit, if
9:28
he fucking everybody like that, well goddamn you ain't specials. Well, girl,
9:33
she's like this due was fucking me so good. She's like, Geo,
9:37
I scrayed it, like she said, I think twenty something times,
9:39
like something ridiculous. Were like I don't even believe it, but like if
9:41
she said it, that's true. And she's like, I came with a
9:43
two nights later and the sheets were changed again, and then I found evidence
9:48
of another woe was over there, And I'm like, was he making her
9:50
spurk too? That he had to change the sheets again? Fuck? Do
9:54
you think? Girl? I'm like, do you think you're the only one
9:56
on the sheets? It's like, come on, how does a woman find
10:03
a good trick? Like a woman that doesn't want a commitment, She just
10:07
wants fun and money. Ya gotchall I know some of y'all want to know
10:11
about this. So she got a fuck on the first date. Now,
10:15
I think it's about knowing the levels of wealth, Like I break it down
10:20
in a book like this, like a whole text. I say, a
10:24
trick is somebody who will take you out, they eat, maybe give you
10:28
small gifts, like they're not going to sponsor you. So if you want,
10:33
do you want a trick, a treat or a sponsor. Someone's gonna
10:37
treat you to a few nice things. Someone's gonna trick on you, but
10:41
like not really, or you want somebody's gonna really give you fucking real money
10:45
or a fucking sponsor. That's what digress, that's what they want, Like
10:48
they say trick, but it's like, you don't really want to trick any
10:50
any you can trick on you for a first day, like that could be
10:54
a regular nigga and all them niggas can trick like men, like it ain't
10:58
tricking if you got it, that's the way it goes. But if you
11:01
want to, like a real sponsor, you gotta know where to find them.
11:03
It's like in every city there's wealth, where are the wealthy men at.
11:09
They're not at your mall, they're not the fucking Chick fil A waiting
11:13
in line. They're at the restaurants, they're at the sports bars, maybe
11:18
they're at the Ritz Carlton Lobby. They're at all these places. And the
11:22
course they're gonna always be on the ass because a lot of these older men
11:26
are just trying to abait in the young women. So even like, oh
11:30
the apps are trash. It's like if you read somebody's bio, a man
11:33
with money is always gonna lead with his wealth. I work for investment bank.
11:37
I've traveled to all these countries and it could be Cap. But you
11:41
know it's up to you. Even if you would have gotten the bar,
11:43
it could be Cap. What he's talking about, Oh yeah, I broke
11:46
it. This dal on his neck. He could be lying his ass off.
11:48
Try to get up to his room. But you gotta go in your
11:50
city. Know where the money is. The first thing I do is know
11:52
where the money is. All right? You going to the club where all
11:56
the broke niggas hang at. You don't want to deal with the fake watch.
11:58
You don't want to deal with the fuck and the least car. You
12:01
want real wealth. A lot of times it's gonna be older men and a
12:05
lot of especially my little homegirls from Instagram, they love the young swaggy guys
12:11
because like they're my around my age and they have money. Yeah, because
12:16
they playing an NBA, but every other girls fucking on the same dus.
12:20
They playing an NBA because it's only a certain number of men under thirty that
12:24
are tall, most of them ugly, but some of them could be handsome
12:28
that have Hey bitches love ugly nigs wealth, And it's like you're looking at
12:33
a specific group of men in your city. You're not gonna find that same
12:37
man unless he's a scammer, a drug deal Yeah, and it's like,
12:39
yeah, he has that because he's one bad deal away from going to jail.
12:46
If you want real wealth is probably not going to be somebody to tell
12:50
girls that want, you know, a sponsor, you gotta go older,
12:54
because most young niggas don't have their life together. They still trying to figure
12:58
it out. And if they do, their skin me because like in a
13:01
lot of big cities, niggas don't even have jobs or careers, Like they
13:05
just out here and you wonder how they got a bag, it's because they're
13:09
scamming or doing something that not going nowhere. My favorite stories are the girls,
13:16
like especially once from Instagram that will hit me up and you know,
13:18
first we'll we'll talk about whatever, and they have like a situation and then
13:22
they'll reveal their sugar daddies. It's like they don't show the picture, but
13:26
like they tell me he's fifty two, he does this, he has a
13:31
wife, or he's a divorced man who does this. It is like they're
13:35
all older men and like if you look at that pages, like they're always
13:37
on vacation. They always on the see the picture. No man, he's
13:39
like, damn, she's selling a lot of hair. Or she's like cause
13:41
they all got like fake business since they put out on the pages. But
13:45
like when I talk to most stuff and like they have older men that are
13:48
sponsoranous these lifestyles and like they knew where to find the money. A lot
13:52
of them say, oh, you helped me because you know, before I
13:56
read your book, I didn't have the confidence to go out, go out
13:58
and like talk to guys like this. Or it's like one girl told me
14:01
specifics, like you taught me that I gotta put myself in a different type
14:05
of room and not be afraid to make strong eye contact, and that has
14:09
paid off. One girl even offered me money. It's like I feel like
14:13
I've made so much money because of you, and I would like to send
14:16
you a check. Or I'm like, you brought the book, you don't
14:20
have to give me any more money. I was like, I don't.
14:24
I'm not a pip. You don't gotta give me a cut away like you
14:26
paid, You paid for them, just like surety. It's like it's okay.
14:30
It's like happy good that you know, bitches are getting some real results.
14:33
I knew this girl. I'm not gonna say she was a friend,
14:37
but she was a friend of a friend, so she was around me sometimes.
14:39
And she was one of those bitches that you know, had a nice
14:43
apartment, all the design and everything. And I get to talk to her.
14:46
I found out she gets ten bands a month from this old ass man
14:50
in a wheelchair. And I mean, I think she gotta suck a little
14:54
dig for it. But she don't have to do shit. You know what's
14:58
crazy? And this is this is another wild story this girl, and you
15:03
know, from Baltimore. So she's like this is how she you know,
15:05
they try to holbake me and the d M give me back a lot of
15:09
times, like don't give me and go to the page you want to talk
15:11
to me, But she she led with something like, oh, hey,
15:13
I love you work. I was recently in Baltimore. I want to ask
15:16
you a question I'm like, Baltimore question, what's going on? You know
15:18
she's pretty too, so you're like, all right, let me see what
15:20
she's talking about. And she had a sugar daddy that was like really couldn't
15:24
walk, like his dick didn't work. Like the most she would do is
15:28
like let him like feel him up, and she's like, he gives me.
15:31
It was a crazy amount of money in muff. But she wasn't lying
15:35
because like she was buying all this shit like property where she lived at.
15:37
But her Baltimore question was like, I recently traveled to Baltimore for some business
15:43
thing and I met a man I didn't at the airport from Baltimore, and
15:48
I fell deep in level with him. Here's the thing. He has nothing.
15:50
He's literally broke. I had to loan him money. She's like,
15:54
what's wrong with me that I got this man give me moff money, all
15:58
this money who I don't even really got to touch. And this man who
16:02
I want, who's not giving me your time of day and can't do shit
16:06
for me? What's wrong with my brain? I'm like, you want love,
16:08
not money, and you just found that out the hard way. Mmm.
16:12
Yeah, And you have to be like you said you got to be
16:15
real honest with yourself, like, and that's okay. Some women want love
16:18
and some women want security. Pick your poison. I mean, the win
16:22
win situation is you can get both, but you just have to know what's
16:26
more important to you. And that also leads me to another question. So
16:32
on the other end we talked about tricks, what about women that want a
16:34
date for marriage, but they don't want to have to fuck a bunch of
16:37
frogs to get there? That think, I think it's important, Like all
16:41
right, dating shouldn't be an exercise, and like futility, it's like,
16:47
all right, I'm going going this day. I got going this day,
16:49
I got going date. Fuck that. Take your time, understand, Like
16:52
I'm doing this for the long run. This is a fucking marathon, not
16:56
a sprint. So when you talk about kissing frogs, it's like, you
16:59
don't got kiss the frogs, but you're gonna have to fucking entertain a lot
17:02
of them, and you gotta be willing to put in that work. It's
17:06
like any athlete, like, all right, how do I get a good
17:07
a better jump shot? You be in a fucking gym twenty four to seven.
17:11
You gotta practice with dating. You gotta practice to you practice vetting somebody
17:18
because I know women always want to know what do I supposed to say?
17:22
What do I have to say? Like, you gotta get good at questions
17:25
like not like a job intervir question. We're like anything's like this this because
17:27
you know people lie. You gotta get good at reading people because in your
17:33
life you probably went on a lot of dates you set across from a lot.
17:37
You can go on three days today. See, I used to think
17:40
it was so fun. And if you're doing it the right way, the
17:42
moment, like within fifteen minutes, you already know, yeah, this person's
17:45
full of shit, this person's very nervous, or this person's hiding something like.
17:51
You get to know the signs of people if you know how to read
17:52
them. And sometimes like people could their energy be gone off and you could
17:56
be wrong about and that's why you may give them a second date. But
17:59
I think dating is like all right, if you don't want to go through
18:00
date after day after date, get good at it so that you do these
18:03
pre dates and then my book date like a spartan. The thing that I
18:07
wish more people would utilize is the pre date phone call because what happens now
18:14
is like you get somebody, you meet him on the internet or dating net
18:17
or whatever. You text him, Oh what's going on? Da da da
18:18
dah. You text for like a day or two. Then you may go
18:22
out at the end of the week or next week. But it's primarily just
18:25
texting somebody. You can't learn shit from texting. Yeah, if you call
18:29
somebody, all right, I don't like the text, call me to night
18:33
after you get off work or when I'm off work, and let's talk in
18:36
that phone call in thirty minutes, you can read out somebody the same way
18:40
you can beat out a date, all right, instead of wasting my Friday
18:42
night going out with this fucking loser. I just talked to him for thirty
18:45
minutes. I know he's full of shit. I heard the crying kid in
18:48
the background. I heard him keep looking over the phone. That means he
18:52
got all these holes blowing him up. He's kind of messy already. I'm
18:53
not going out with him. Oh, I see you. I'll let you
18:56
know blocked gone the way. If you don't do that, it's gonna take
19:02
you maybe two weeks to fucking figure out he ain't shit. Yeah, So
19:07
predating is better than just going on all these dates because you can predate the
19:11
frog, not have to kiss, and not even have to see them in
19:12
public and weed them out. You hear that ladies pre date Okay, I
19:18
mean with I would like to talk with the phone right, It's like,
19:22
girl, if you don't get on that phone and investigate this nigga, how
19:26
soon do you think, like with the apps, because I feel like most
19:29
people are dating off the internet. Now, how soon do you think you
19:33
should meet? Because I feel like another issue that comes up is that when
19:36
you wait too long and you have all these conversations, you feel like you
19:38
know this person, and it's like you have not met this person in real
19:41
life, so you do not know this person. So how long do you
19:45
think is a good amount of time to actually meet up with somebody within the
19:52
first week? You gotta always say set a date within that first week of
19:56
like even taking off the app getting to meet him, like it could be
20:00
the next day. I don't care. It's like I always get this because
20:03
women always they see the rules and they like, but what if this happened.
20:06
It's like, I don't care if it's the next day or that next
20:10
week. Like seven days later, but you should do it within that week
20:11
because you don't want to get into the whole catfish situation where like, yeah,
20:15
that's there, that's how they look, but that's not really their personality.
20:18
They're basically giving you that fake shit on the messaging. Uh so call
20:22
them when we're going out, when you're free, working visitor. They don't
20:27
want to if they don't want to make time, especially a man who like
20:30
has lessened his eyes towards you, He's gonna make fucking time that first week
20:33
to see after he fucks you may get busy, but when he wants you,
20:37
he's gonna fucking make time to see you. So definitely within that first
20:41
week if like it's dragging on you, basically letting somebody just brainwash you into
20:47
thinking they're the best things and sliced bread, and then you know, it's
20:51
a lot of days to happen, like, oh, we just text for
20:52
like a week. I feel like I noon the five of course, or
20:55
you're getting these five hour phone calls. Oh we talk, we fell asleep
21:00
on FaceTime together. It's like you fall asleep FaceTime ass, bitch, stop
21:07
it. I have heard this story so many times it's like, girl,
21:11
you don't know that nigga relax it's romantic. It's like, Oh he was
21:15
there all night just watching me sleep. It's like, it's not romantic.
21:18
He's just trying to get in your panties. So he's doing what he got
21:19
to do that first month or so to get what he gotta get. M
21:23
hm. See. I feel like if I ever go back to theay niggas,
21:29
I'm gonna dog them bad because I just got all this knowledge and all
21:33
I mean I was dogging them then, but now the woman I am today,
21:37
niggas would get dogged and all my bills would be paid and I wouldn't
21:41
even have to pop no pussy. You know what would happened to you if
21:44
you went back to date and I think your wisdom and your energy, you
21:49
wouldn't find yourself married, not dogging anybody because you're right to somebody to be
21:53
like so like impressed because it's thinking about you know, I known the lie.
22:00
A lot of people, especially out here in La like that are actors,
22:03
right, and we have people behind the scenes, people that like just
22:07
fuck a bunch of models this and that, and they meet that one girl
22:10
she don't want to be in the industry anything, but like she's different,
22:12
she moves different, and they fall in love. Like I taught people off
22:17
the cliff about it's like, dude, you're fucking such and such and now
22:18
you're in love with with this random girl, like she's just different, and
22:22
it's true. It's like, if you see somebody that moves different and has
22:26
a different mindset, as a man, you want to fucking chase it and
22:29
cage it and fucking marry it because you don't want it to get out.
22:32
And so I think if you were ever known how you are for real,
22:36
for real, I think a man would like be enamored with you, like,
22:37
yeah, you can cut that mindset, like you don't care, Like
22:41
I don't fucking lock her in the cage, babies, I don't think.
22:45
I don't think it would be that easy though, because like I get a
22:48
high off of like ruining lives, like it's fun for me. So see,
22:53
I'm toxic. Any who like the Drake would like you. I Drake
22:59
is a terrible person. AnyWho let me not even go in on how my
23:04
feelings on Aubrey, I feel like I have other questions, but I feel
23:08
like they low key have been answered, Oh, I have a good one.
23:11
Okay. So it seems like a lot of women are kind of moving
23:15
towards anti marriage thoughts, and I feel like it's because so many people make
23:21
it seem like it's so hard and it's so terrible. Even Michelle Obama a
23:25
woman that I love and respect, and you know, she's the one and
23:27
not the two, like don't play with her. But she said she hated
23:30
Barack for ten years. And do you think that's just a part of marriage
23:36
or do you think that that's unhealthy. I think it's unhealthy. First of
23:45
all, it's like, if you why do people want to get married?
23:47
Because they want companionship, they want love, but like it's hard to attain
23:52
because people change, people evolved and with you know, in Michelle's book,
23:57
it's like she didn't want to date Barack from the jump. She didn't like
24:00
his personality to ask you, but like like I was talking about you,
24:03
like men see a certain woman and they're like, I'm going to chase and
24:07
chase and chase. I don't give what I got do to lock it down
24:08
because I know she's special, and that's what he did. It was it
24:11
wasn't her falling in love with him, fucking steamrolling to try to get her
24:15
to fuck that I have her. And then once he got of course,
24:18
like his career became more important than any being a husband. I think that's
24:23
what she resented, was that, like he wasn't even home for the damn
24:27
the first daughter. It's like he's out on the train, or he's playing
24:30
basketball. It's like, but Roc was doing a lot of shit. That
24:33
was like, I don't know, bro, I don't know if this is
24:36
the type of man you're going to be married to you. But she stuck
24:37
with it because he had aspirations that you know, were more important, I
24:41
think than her own love for wanting a real husband. But I think in
24:48
general, I think when women say, like, oh, one girl,
24:51
she tweeted me this. It was like a response to something about marriage.
24:52
I said, and uh, She's like, we don't want to be married
24:55
anymore. We just want to be successful and self aware and and just love
25:00
ourselves. I'm like, I'm sure that's true to extent, but when it
25:04
comes to like you meet a guy who does stuff to you and has potential,
25:10
like to be a good father, those thoughts of marriage is going to
25:12
come back you're gonna want to You're gonna revert to the same thing you were
25:17
when you're young, playing with Barbie dolls. You want to have that picket
25:18
fence. Oh, it would be great to be married, because no one
25:22
wants to sit around and be Goldie Hawn is like, oh, we're the
25:23
gather, but we're not married because that feels weird. So I think,
25:27
like the alternative is what just I guess, just being single and living the
25:33
soft life. Tracy Ellis Ross, if you will just live the fucking villain
25:38
life is you're gonna be single, you might as well have multiple I'm talking
25:42
about fucking soft girl era. It needs to stop because it's a lot of
25:45
bullshit being you hate the soft girl error. I like the soft. I
25:49
think like being soft and feminine and pretty and smelling good, like all that
25:52
stuff is be a Barbie doll. That's all good. But I think mentally
25:56
you can't be soft. You can't have a be soft this world. Because
26:00
that's another question I have. How do women protect themselves from people trying to
26:06
play with them? But I feel like you kind of already answered that when
26:10
you said you gotta speak up, you gotta vet them. You gotta lie
26:14
thinking. Last episode you talk about boundaries and I think, yeah, you
26:18
broke it downs, like the things you don't want to do, you have
26:21
to speak up and say no, I don't want to do it. And
26:22
I think going even further is like ask yourself why you don't want to do
26:26
something, Like if someone say, oh, Kimber, let's go out to
26:30
the club on Tuesday night and you're like, you get that dreading and stumble
26:34
that feel like the anxiety like I don't want to tell them no, but
26:38
I really don't want to go. Then it's like to understand yourself more.
26:42
Why don't I want to go somewhere because we're going to a place where it's
26:48
going to be people I don't want to interact with, it's going to be
26:51
attention I don't want to have in my atmosphere. I would rather not do
26:55
that. I don't mind going out on a Tuesday. I don't want to
26:56
go to that environment. So that's you understanding your So when you talk about
27:00
knowing boundaries and knowing you know how to keep yourself safe, it's like,
27:07
why would I tell this person this this information about myself? Or why would
27:10
I go along with this date? I did when I don't feel comfortable with
27:12
it. Understand why you're like, you're not saying no just to say no
27:15
to be mean, You're saying it for a real reason that probably goes back
27:18
to something that happened to you as a child, your trauma, or how
27:22
somebody once played you. It's not being overly defensive. It's just understanding your
27:26
triggers and knowing, like, all right, in order to protect myself,
27:29
I got to understand when somebody's triggering me and why, and how to don't
27:33
avoid it by being passed it. It's like, oh, I got so
27:34
busy, I'm sorry I couldn't call you back. Like that's not healthy either
27:37
because people are like, oh, down, she's flicking. You got to
27:40
say, look, I don't mind going out, or I don't mind going
27:42
on this date with you, but not here or not this week, or
27:47
I'm going through something like you got to know how to set your boundaries,
27:48
or somebody's being a piece of shit, like hey, the way you talk
27:51
to me the last time we went out on a date, I didn't like
27:53
it, Or the way you talked to that waitress. It gave me these
27:56
bad vibes of how you talk to women. So I don't want to go
27:57
out with you anymore. Oh you know, Oh, I was just joking.
28:00
I understand that, but that's not for me. That's like protecting yourself
28:03
from people will give me weird energy. Just call it out, understand what
28:07
you're calling out, and then call it out addressing it. I like that
28:11
because I know a lot of girls that are afraid to speak up or call
28:17
men out or even ask questions. And I really hate that because and it's
28:22
based off of fear, like they don't want to lose out on this person
28:25
or the opportunity to possibly have something. But at the end of the day,
28:27
if you don't call shit out, it only hurts you, like you're
28:32
holding all that shit in when you know somebody crosses your boundary and you don't
28:37
speak up or address it. So boundary Okay, So three more questions.
28:44
We both know that self confidence plays a big part in finding the right partner
28:48
or dating. What do you think are some practical ways that women can boost
28:53
their self esteem in this dating shit. Oh I just wrote about this podcast
29:00
about this last week. Bully Yourself elaborates. So I once heard this line
29:07
from Eminem from one of those random songs where he's like, how he's always
29:11
afraid to do what? You know? He's eminem shouldn't be afraid of shit,
29:14
but he's like, anytime I don't want to do something, like anytime
29:18
I get in my own head, I push myself say Marshall, you're gonna
29:21
fucking do this shit, and I do it. And I'm like, I
29:25
think a lot of people do that naturally without even calling it bullying himself.
29:29
It's like, you can call it psyching yourself up. Any businessman or any
29:32
like woolf of Wall Street type people, like they tell you you gotta fucking
29:34
psych yourself up because you're always in this duality state of like, I'm afraid,
29:41
but I gotta do it. So how do you quiet that one voice
29:45
and make the strong you stand out? You gotta fucking psack yourself out.
29:49
And I call it bullying yourself. And I think for anybody when you feel,
29:53
you know what, I don't have confidence? Myself esteeming slow because X,
29:57
Y and Z. You gotta talk to yourself because you can't run to
30:02
a book and reread a chap day time you feel low, because what happens
30:03
when you're out in person and you gotta speak up for yourself. You're gonna
30:07
stay quiet like a mouse. You gotta be able to do with your on
30:10
head, like you know what, fuck it, I gotta do it.
30:12
Stop being week, stop being a pussy. You can do this. It
30:15
is like you gotta talk to yourself. We always are talking to us of
30:17
the own head. But how much of that is like I don't know.
30:22
It's like you're weighing all these statistics about how it's going to go wrong or
30:26
what can go wrong, instead of saying, fuck it, I got this,
30:30
let's do this. I'm just gonna do it. So bully yourself,
30:33
push yourself. So if you if you were somebody that was trying to believe
30:37
themselves, what would be the conversation in your head? All Right, Let's
30:42
say I'm trying to start a podcast and I'm nervous, like no one's gonna
30:48
listen to They don't want to hear the fuck I gotta say thoughts that there's
30:51
so many people that got podcasts and there's no money. It's like, shut
30:55
the fuck up, you got something to say. They want to listen to
30:57
you, Like I don't care what nobody I said. You're gonna do it.
31:00
You're gonna do it. You're not gonna stop doing it. You're gonna
31:03
wake up and fucking do it. And if you know you find yourself drifting
31:06
like no, I really want to do shut up, you're gonna do Yeah,
31:10
you gotta tell yourself. It's like it depends on your own what you
31:14
need, because some people respond to like positive like you know what, No,
31:18
I need to kick my ass. Sometimes you need to, Like I'm
31:21
the type of person where like I need to yell at myself. Yeah,
31:23
just do it, stop sucking around. Do it. You're gonna do it
31:26
right now. That's how you do it. It's like it takes practice to
31:30
get in the habit of like going from like chaotic thoughts to like specific you're
31:34
going to do this type of thoughts. And I had a friend who used
31:37
to talk to himself out loud and like he would do it, but he
31:40
would do it like so everyone could hear him. I'm like, well,
31:41
I guess it was just me with like bro, I was like, you
31:45
psych yourself up in front of in front of me, He's like you got
31:48
it something like we were in the gym or something. He's like, no,
31:51
you gotta fucking no, I'm like I get it, but like,
31:56
like, is everything okay? I want to hear your thought process? Is
31:59
everything? Okay? Over there? It was he was crazy. Literally,
32:04
that's actually really good advice. I love that so and that's gonna be something
32:07
NotI key for myself too. It's time to get on your bully. Time
32:12
to ability these motherfuckers. Okay, So how can women handle rejection or disappointment
32:21
with grace? Well, I think first off, like given to your disappointment.
32:25
It's like, don't try to be fake positive. Spend your disappointment because
32:30
when you try to mass that you're upset or let down, all you do
32:35
is create a whole where like all those feelings go there and they're not going
32:39
to die. That's gonna fester, and next time you get disappointed is going
32:42
to grow, grow, grow, and tell you become a misermal motherfuckers like
32:45
nothing ever works with me because you let that shit slide. Instead of creating
32:51
that chasm of like false feelings, all right, I didn't get that job,
32:55
you know, instead of making some conspiracy or it could be a real
32:59
excuse like oh they didn't want me because I was black, or they didn't
33:01
want me because I was a woman. It's like all right, except like
33:05
they didn't want you. Whatever reason was they didn't want me for that job.
33:07
But you know what, tomorrow's another day. I'm gonna go out and
33:10
do it again, and I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna do it
33:13
again. Look at any success story, failure leads the innovation that leads the
33:17
more success. So anything that happens to you in your life, I don't
33:21
think anything's coincidence. I think it's all teachable moments. I think everything you
33:25
can learn from. If your house burns down, fuck, I lost everything.
33:30
Oh you just got to insurance check. Well should I go buy the
33:36
same type of house or should I just get something smaller and put this money
33:38
towards something I wanted to do? Boom, Now you created a business or
33:42
something like that. Stuff like that always happens. If you read any autobiography
33:45
or anybody that's been successful. I wish I could think of, off the
33:47
top of my head a story like this, but like it's so many where
33:52
it's like, oh, this happened to me, and I pivoted it this
33:54
way, and now look what happened, or this happened. My husband left
33:59
me with the kids to figure out another way. I invented the fucking super
34:01
mop. It's like like that happens, Like damn, that's how that mop
34:05
came to be your fucking husband. Love you. It's shit like that,
34:07
Like rejection is just motivation. M I love it. Great perspective, Okay.
34:16
I wanted to close the question section with you giving us some stories of
34:22
success from like women that you've helped, like women that actually found love or
34:27
got what they wanted. Like, I wanted to give the girls some inspiration.
34:34
What's my favorite success story? Oh, one of my favorite ones is
34:39
this young lady who hit me up for like I whink. She did like
34:44
three different question sessions with me, and it was like the same thing.
34:46
I can't find a man, No one wants me this and that. And
34:52
I told her it was her mindset. She's too negative, Like she's a
34:55
pretty you know, the ones who are very pretty always make a point to
34:59
see your picture. So you know, she didn't she had confidence, she
35:01
was trying to she was down on herself. So I'm like, you need
35:05
to disconnect from the cycle of the bullshit you on because you keep talking about
35:08
the same And I hate when he always talk about the same guy in the
35:12
same story. It's like a month later, I say, walk away from
35:14
you. Come back, well, I talk to him again. Walk away
35:16
from him, disconnect, disconnect from your fucking raggedy ass friends, because it's
35:21
always a bunch of shit. And so she finally did that. I think
35:27
she went on a trip to Dubai or somewhere just by herself, end up
35:31
meeting some random older guy. He hid over heels with her, wanting to
35:37
give her the world. And you know, she's telling me about it because
35:39
she's like hesitant. I don't trust him, this sinnat. He's older than
35:44
me. He's just out fuck with me. I haven't had sex with him
35:46
yet though, And I'm like, let that negative go. See what he's
35:52
receive, what he's trying to give you. You're smart enough and you're wise
35:54
enough at this point the know when somebody's trying to just use you. And
36:00
she finally let go. Next thing, you know, I didn't hear anything
36:01
from her. Then she pops up engaged with the old man. Oh wow.
36:09
And then she had this fucking platinum wet and like fucking money money wetting.
36:14
I'm like, oh shit, you wouldn't line about his network, and
36:16
so I was like, it went for me. It wasn't the fact that
36:21
she married ultra wealthy. It was the fact that she faced her fears and
36:27
let go of that safety net boyfriend she had, and she let go of
36:30
that safety net friend group that she had that was actually very toxic to her
36:36
mental health because they're telling you the wrong shit. Stay with him, stayed
36:38
with him so nice. He's o kid like you if you're telling somebody year,
36:43
somebody's mentally verbally abusing you and you want to get out, and telling
36:46
you to stay because he's such a good catch. They're not the friends that
36:50
have with you. So I was proud that she walked away, went to
36:52
a whole other country, not to find a man. That's the thing,
36:55
like, when you're not looking for somebody, I'll find you. Just the
37:00
connect with who she was. Yeah, somebody saw They didn't see her as
37:04
a wounded bird. They saw as somebody who was coming out of cocoon,
37:06
and he perceived that. So that's a good story. I mean, there's
37:08
so many things I'll get where like I'll forget because I've been doing it for
37:13
so long, and I'll get a random person like oh, by the way
37:15
here's pictures for my wedding, or here's my baby or this and that,
37:19
and it's like, oh, you actually listen, so it I get so
37:24
on my own here. Sometimes I forget that, Like I get I'm mean
37:29
to the people who aren't listening to call them basicas, and I get like,
37:31
because I'm upset you're not fucking listening to them, wasting my breath.
37:35
Then you get the ones that actually listen, and like even the ones that
37:37
like aren't married or something that hit me up on Instagram, like, oh,
37:40
you helped me so much my self esteeing this and like I found your
37:43
book when I was in high school and you made me to the woman I
37:45
am now and like, lady, you're only twenty four, but like I
37:49
appreciate it because like you are listening to it did work. It is affecting
37:52
you in a positive way. So like I got to remind myself like,
37:54
oh, yeah, it does work. I love it. I mean,
38:01
I can give my own testimony. You know, we met because you came
38:06
and spoke at my college and my friend actually sent me an article and it
38:12
was called bitch, get over yourself, and the article dragged me for filth
38:16
and after I read that article, like, you know what, I really
38:21
be fucking tripping about shit don't even fucking matter. And after I read that
38:25
article, the words bitch, get over yourself. Every time I was like
38:30
stuck on someone or situation or just felt like, oh, everybody's out to
38:35
get me, I was like, bitch, get over yourself, because it's
38:37
not even that deep, it's not even that serious. So my personal testimony
38:44
with your content is that you really like dragged me for filth in the best
38:50
way, in the most loving way. But you made me want to take
38:53
a look at my thoughts and my actions and like what I was doing wrong,
38:59
and just to choose myself because a lot of the times, like when
39:02
we get upset about these situations or obsessing over people, it's because we're not
39:07
choosing ourselves. It's because we put them on a higher pedestal than us,
39:12
and we forget that it's about us. It's about us being happy and what
39:15
we want. It's not about oh I need this person, I need this
39:19
person. No, you don't. You need yourself. It's all right.
39:22
So maybe you're my favorite story now I change. It started at Georgia Southern
39:28
The Southern Southern. I stay had that the hard way. Yeah, they
39:31
got you, got you drunk. For more of these conversations, head over
39:36
to Far from Basic dot Com That is Far from Basic dot Com, where
39:39
you can listen to more of my podcasts in addition to this Black Girl's Easy
39:44
podcast. So see you over there. I'm like I'm looking for in the
40:00
she to barge in the county Shorty Barbara Lawa done make me beat her as
40:05
It's like I'm her father. Get in that pussy with cheesecake, like down
40:08
the bumba. I'm gonna let her go. I let her. She had
40:13
her sister Rachel Randa Tamar Rachel down on Tagra play with me your redundan on
40:20
my braces like the summer or my neck is the thund You ain't got a
40:24
rander. What I'm saying is rand Shorty got down, went my peel me
40:29
all the way from that. Sure I shot a rock, get out this big