Latest / Many Things with Steph Libby / I've Been Wrong About Myself for Over a Decade

Transcript

I've Been Wrong About Myself for Over a Decade · Many Things with Steph Libby

0:02
Hey there.
Welcome to another episode of Many Things.
I'm Steph.
I'm multi-passionate.
I'm doing all the things, usually all the time, all at once, and this is the podcast where I talk about all of it while I build my dream life one step at a time.
If you listened to the last few episodes, then you know a little bit about my career progression, the career I thought I'd have, uh, the job I'm currently in, and I even touched on my life in academia a bit as a what felt like 20 years of being a professional student.
In working with my career counselor to figure out and map out my next step, I've been thinking a lot more about the nonprofit track that I left behind a decade or so ago.
I've been going back through my old resumes, 2012, 2014, 2016, 2020, and it's so obvious that I have such an undeniable passion for the arts, for helping my community, for making the world a better place one small step at a time.
I'm remembering important experiences I'd forgotten, like the time I was a volunteer coordinator and exactly how much I contributed to the board of trustees I was on.
I was on fire back then.
It seemed like the world was my oyster, and then I just kinda stopped.
Um, I know that's around the time my depression got pretty bad, and I was really starting to see the cracks in the long-term relationship that I was in at the time.
But I also know that part of my depression was that I didn't believe in myself.
Despite my best efforts, I still wasn't as productive as I wanted to be in those volunteer and work roles.
More on that in a few minutes.
But something else that I've rediscovered this week is my thesis for my education degree.
I was I was so beyond nervous to look at it, I can't even tell you.
I can't even describe it.
I n- needed to, um, get the name of it for, like, updating my resume and updating my LinkedIn and all that stuff, and I how I...
I guess, like, the way to ex- the way to describe why I was so nervous is how I remember that time in academia for me is, like, me barely keeping my head above water, feeling like I was- constantly behind on my reading and, like, cranking out assignments the day they were due.
So I was terrified to look at this thesis again.
I one hundred percent thought that it was gonna bum me out, that it would be so obvious that I phoned it in and created a pile of slop to say that I did something.
And part of that, I think, is because, um, when I was in my bachelor's program, we had to do a senior thesis, which was basically, like, create a body of work.
It could be a novel, it could be a novella, it could be, it could be a series of short stories, like, whatever it was, but you had to create some body of-- some substantial body of work that was created within a year's time.
And I was working full-time at the time, and I was definitely going through a lot, and my friend, one of my best friends at the time, was also going through, uh, a really turbulent period for a lot of reasons.
And so it just was, like, not a good time, and I do remember kind of phoning it in at the last minute on some of that stuff because I just did not have the mental space for it, and I was starting to, like, be burnt out a little bit.
So I think that's why in the back of my mind when I was thinking about this thesis, which was done, you know, uh, four to six years later after my bachelor's program, why I was thinking like, "Oh, God," like, "I phoned it in."
I just remember there being so many times when I was getting that education degree of, like, me kind of half reading, half paying attention to a book I was reading while my boyfriend at the time was, like, playing a video game or, like, there was a lot of, like, TLC shows, like, airing at the same time, like, in the background, and that's just, like, how I remember those moments.
Like, I don't I don't think of myself, like, heads down in a library.
You know what I'm saying? So I was really nervous to look at this thesis, and I closed my eyes, hoped for the best, and then I started reading.
And was it still mortifying? Yes.
Um, it's something I wrote over twelve years ago, so of course it's going to be mortifying to some degree.
I was in my late twenties.
I had a lot of ideas, but very little experience.
But this was not the work of someone who phoned it in, um, and I was shocked by it.
The, the topic of my thesis was about the reinstatement or the recultivation of arts education through arts integration across the curriculum.
So my whole thing was like, we don't need to just ha- just have art class, we need to have art components to all of our curriculum, so in science, math, even health class like you there are ways to intersperse arts education throughout any subject and it will benefit not only the student's social emotional learning but it would also benefit their grasp of arts and culture but it will also improve their performance in those other subjects so one I kind of forgot that that was like my whole thesis first of all which is crazy but then I also forgot that I took a hybrid approach to my thesis writing large swaths of it as beautiful poignant personal essays backed by research but that approach was done to help highlight my point that arts education has a spot across the curriculum that was like super intentional that even a research paper can be effective or even elevated um by a touch of creative writing so like to add the persuasion to the facts um it seemed crazy to me that I would write a research paper talking about arts integration without you know integrating the arts and I was and as I was reading it this past week I remember pitching this idea to my advisors and they were skeptical for sure I mean they they bought into the premise but they weren't 100 sure if it would come together as well in reality as it sounded in theory also keep in mind I had just finished my creative writing masters the year prior so my fingers were itchy to tell a story but I was not in the mood to write fiction at the time so that hybrid approach was pretty bold and it also felt like the only way I was going to get through writing this research paper and for her and for a girl who doesn't like to take chances it felt kind of diabolical like that was that was a big leap that I took and my advisors put a lot of faith in that because I they were skeptical of it but I thought that was a kind of badass of me and I I did not remember that that was like the approach I took I did not remember that at all also my recollection was that this thesis was a mere 50 pages or so and I was wrong this behemoth was 200 pages 200 pages again that is not the work of someone phoning it in that's the work of someone immensely passionate about their mission and vision for education as I was reading through the paper I could feel my passion as I talked about you know the largest mass school closure of the time and schools relocating schools reallocating arts funding to sports teams and the dismissal of cold hard facts around the science of arts education and brain development and social emotional learning it was like I was transported back into my late 20s sitting in my bed two or three books sprawled around me as I typed into the early morning did I procrastinate sure did I feel out of my depth all the time was I the smartest person in the program not not by a long shot was I the deepest thinker in the group nope and that's why I didn't believe in myself because I wasn't the top dog and I felt like if I wasn't the top dog none of it mattered and that's sort of the thing I wanted to talk about um today I know that this was kind of a long-winded way to get into it but that was sort of something that I wanted to talk a bit about today because I think that is something that has been plaguing me my entire life I was watching this docu-series on HBO the past few weeks called The Dark Wizard and if you haven't seen it I really recommend it um it was so so good and I'm not and I'm not a part of that world and I found it fascinating so it's about Dean Potter who is a free solo a base jumping legend and pioneer and as much as he loved his sports for the sports themselves for the danger for the rush he was also incredibly competitive and some could argue that it was that extreme competitive drive that forced his end he would start excelling in a sport first it was uh rock climbing and then free solo and and then base jumping and then wing suit jumping flying whatever you want to call it but he would start excelling in a sport and then someone else would come along and blow his records out of the water or beat him to his next great feat and he'd get angry and lash out at his friends and become obsessive largely because of ego and because he wanted to be the greatest there was undisputed what started simply as pure passion and a connection to nature evolved into a pursuit of greatness of records of titles Obviously, that's a bit of an oversimplification of Dean's life, but the point is this.
I couldn't stop thinking about that drive of his, that need to be top dog.
At some points, it seemed like the whole enjoyment got sucked right out of it for him.
And I was sitting there watching this story, seeing this man, this grown man, be so petty and butthurt over these younger guys coming in and stealing his thunder.
But I was thinking, like, who cares? Like, records are meant to be broken.
Records and titles don't last forever.
You're still one of the greatest to have ever lived.
You have literally invented sports.
And there are things that he's done that very few other people will ever do in their lifetime.
He accomplished incredible, daring feats that I could barely watch with my eyes closed, let alone go do.
And that's probably how the majority of people feel, I would suspect.
But, you know, of course, the irony was that these guys would look up to Dean so much.
His courage, his acts of defiance, his evolution as an athlete inspired so, so many of those people.
So, but he was still obsessed with being top dog.
He just like, if he wasn't the best, it didn't matter.
And so it got me thinking like, well, what's my obsession with being top dog about? Not being the best, not being the most disciplined doesn't negate the hard work that I put in.
Procrastinating doesn't mean that I didn't try.
And honestly, the procrastination may have been more about burnout and not having a name for it at the time.
Burnout was not a word I knew in 2012 or 2014.
That was not, I don't know that that was as zeitgeisty of a word as it is now.
I think we used to just call it, I'm stressed.
But it was sort of like, well, everyone's stressed.
We didn't think about it in terms of like, well, stress is bad.
And like, you should have a limit to stress.
It just, I think at that time, especially at least in the world I was in, it was very much like, well, that's what going to school is.
And I was going to school full time, working full time and teaching my own classes two times a week.
And I don't give myself enough credit for that.
That was a really hard time.
I guess it's not even so much about being the top dog for me, like being number one.
I just want to feel not so average, not mediocre.
But when did I start feeling like anything other than the best was mediocre? And what's so bad about being average? Like, what even is average? There are people with jobs and lives out there that I want so badly.
But I bet they would consider themselves living very average lives.
I bet they would be shocked to know that someone would want the life that they have, just in the same way that, like, I'm sure there's someone out there who looks at my life and goes, "What are you complaining about?" Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
The grass is always greener, you know? There's a woman at my work, and I've been thinking about this a lot, and she's 32.
She lives by herself.
She's in a position higher than me, and, and she seems to be living her best life.
She's vice president of a community nonprofit.
She has a ton of friends.
She's in book groups, and she bought her house in her early 20s, and then this week on a whim, she looked at a new house, put in an offer on the spot, and is putting her current house on the market.
And I was so jealous.
I mean, I was happy for her because she deserves it and she's worked really hard, but so jealous at the same time.
And it's not that I want the house that she's looking at or, or that I, I want to live in the place where she lives or any of that, or even that I want her job.
I don't want her job.
But I have been looking at houses in Maine and picturing my dream house, my forever house, you know? And I'm nowhere near being able to do what she just did.
I want to.
I wanna be able to find the house I want, put in an offer, and then sell this one, but I don't have the money for that.
I couldn't just, like, jump on an opportunity if it arose.
I can't even find the money to do a modest DIY renovation of my kitchen right now.
You know, I'm struggling to pay for this career counseling.
I'm scared to look at my bank account every week.
It made me feel so bad.
It made me feel, I-- to be honest, kind of worthless and ashamed and a little bit hopeless because my dream, the, the My idea of like a great grand life, I think is probably very small and very average compared to what a lot of people want.
But the jealousy also made me feel kind of gross.
And jealousy has been a big part of my life.
I am constantly jealous of other people.
I am constantly looking, you know, not keeping my eyes on my own paper and looking what everyone else around me is doing.
And it's hard because like we did, you know, social media was just becoming a thing as I was going through college and like getting into adulthood and like other generations have like not had to deal with that kind of pressure and that sort of everything looking awesome and fabulous.
And you're only going to put your best foot forward on social media unless you're like me who constantly talks about what a mess I am.
But I think jealousy and comparing myself to others has made me wildly, wildly unhappy for big periods of my life.
Like my coworker's life, it's not a crazy big life either.
But it does seem like a full life.
And I think that's an important distinction.
It's a full life.
She lives a full life.
Friends, family, activities, community events, all sorts of stuff.
And I want that too.
I want a life with purpose.
I want a life where I'm creating something better for my community.
I want to live in a community I deeply care about.
I want a life that makes me proud.
I want a life that feels big, even if it's simple.
And all of this came by rereading my master's thesis.
It's sad to think how much potential I had then, how far away that potential feels now.
You know, a question comes to mind, like, does that potential ever really go away though? Like, I've convinced myself that I had my chance and that chance is gone now and I blew it.
Like that has been what I've believed for many years.
Like the time to make a pivot was when I was younger.
The time to take a low paying nonprofit job was when I was like in my late 20s and had no real expenses under me.
And the nonprofits experience, and I've told myself a million times like, oh, well, that nonprofit experience is too old to count for anything now.
You know, that's over a decade ago.
Like that doesn't matter now.
Like things feel hopeless sometimes.
Really, really hopeless.
It feels like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of bullshit and disappointment and then getting excited again only to talk myself out of something because of fear or I'm afraid of rejection or I'm just afraid to make a change or whatever the case may be.
But I talk myself out of it.
I feel like if I didn't I feel like I didn't bet on myself or put enough pride into my accomplishments, including this thesis.
This thesis is a perfect example of that.
I haven't given myself enough credit for the work I put in.
I don't think, I don't think my problem has ever been effort.
My problem has been follow-through.
My problem has been implement-- my problem has been implementing systems in my day-to-day life that open up pathways to success.
My problem has been consistency, and those are very solvable problems.
About my coworker again, just real quick, I'm not so much jealous of the physical things she has.
I'm jealous of her apparent financial stability, of course, but more so I'm jealous of how she seems to move through life and how she spends her time.
I feel like she spends her time really, really well.
Um, I can barely log off work and, and do literally anything, dishes, chores, this podcast, whatever.
I've-- barely log off work and do something, anything remotely productive with my life or remotely just not the same old rigmarole.
Like, I get off work, I make dinner, I watch TV, I go to bed.
That's most of my days, and that's...
That is not living life, I don't feel like.
But I look at her, and she works out every morning, crushes it at work, reads for an hour a day, volunteers for hours a week, um, through her church and through her-- this, this nonprofit she's a part of, spends time with friends and family.
It just seems like a really good life.
There is so much I wanna do with my life.
There is so much I still wanna accomplish, and I feel like I make the tiniest strides to the point where it feels good, yes, but it doesn't feel life-changing.
It doesn't feel impactful enough.
I feel like I'm waiting on a breakthrough and the surge of energy that I expect to come from it.
It's exhausting putting what little energy I have into all these different things, hoping that they'll make me happier and make a difference in my life.
But then, but then I think about people who are living just fine off of far less, off of far less than what I have, and I wonder, what am I doing so wrong? Why does it feel like one step forward, two steps back all the time? But looking over that thesis gave me a lot of perspective, and it reminded me who I am at my core and what I have to give and that there is this passionate, skilled person inside of me that just needs to be coaxed out.
It reminded me that I've accomplished things that I barely remember accomplishing.
When I was single and dating, every guy would be astounded at me having three degrees, and I would brush it off every single time without fail.
I wouldn't own it.
I felt like a fraud.
And I'm realizing now that that is completely incorrect.
For so long, I thought that my education degree was worthless because I wasn't teaching.
I wasn't in education.
But that degree helped shape my worldview.
That degree was me exploring and dedicating myself to a deep passion.
I realize that this episode maybe has like a weird tone to it, that I'm oscillating between feeling bold and empowered and frankly feeling completely useless.
It's just that I'm at a crossroads with what I want to do next and what the next big decision is for me and how I can better my life when it feels like all I have the energy and time and money for is one tiny thing a day, which doesn't seem like enough most of the time to make any meaningful change or at least change as quickly as I feel like I need it.
Because deep down, I know that like small incremental changes every single day do make a big difference.
It's building that consistency.
It's building the habit, all of that.
But when you're in the act of it day to day, doing like a tiny little thing for yourself does not feel like you're making any headway in anything.
We're so used to seeing like these big, bold stories of people who like decide they're going to change their life and they put it online and it becomes like this big sensation.
It becomes viral.
And then they're, you know, just achieving amazing things at such a quick pace.
You become desensitized to the fact that like real progress for most people is much slower and that you don't see the people in your life every single You don't necessarily see the people in your life every single day.
So like when you go two months without seeing someone and you hang out on a girls trip, you're like, wow, this person has like really come a long way in the last couple months, you know? But it's hard when you're living your life day to day to feel like you're Like anything is moving towards anything in the right direction.
I just can't help but look back at this girl writing this thesis over a decade ago.
And she had such a vision of her future, of her 30s.
I know she knew what she wanted.
She was hungry for it.
I remember going through this program thinking this degree is going to change my life.
It's going to help me get forward on the path I want.
She was doing all the things she thought she needed to do to gain experience and network and build towards something.
And then she kind of gave up.
She succumbed to self-doubt because she didn't feel like the best and therefore she shouldn't even try anymore.
And And it's sad to think about where I am now.
And I feel like I'm sort of picking that dream back up off the ground, dusting it off.
And I'm in the same position I was over 10 years ago.
And I'm at that same kind of crossroads and those same feelings of fear and doubt are rising up, but not so much in my capability like it was when I was younger.
I feel very capable now, but I have doubts in my energy.
I have fear around money and pivoting and backing myself into a corner that I can't climb out of, of making the wrong choice.
I'm worried about taking a gamble on myself because I've rarely taken gambles on myself.
Sure, going to grad school was a gamble, but the real gamble was graduating and turning it into something, dedicating myself to something, getting involved in a cause I care so much about that it would be completely devastating if it didn't work out.
That was, I was too scared to do that.
I'm worried about being the breadwinner in my relationship and possibly having to take a pay cut to move into a career path that fuels me.
I'm worried that doing that is going to ruin me financially and that I'm going to be a terrible, terrible mistake.
I can't stop thinking of worst case scenarios.
It's hard being a dreamer and being multi-passionate, but also having to balance the hardships of reality.
What if I take a job at a nonprofit and it goes under while I'm making less money than I am right now? What if I get stuck in a position and it doesn't set me up for advancement? If I can't afford renovations now, how the fuck am I ever going to afford them when I'm making less money? How do people muster up the confidence to take that leap? Or maybe it's blind faith.
Maybe it's just being okay with the uncertain outcome and believing in yourself enough that you'll find a way through.
Sometimes it feels like taking a leap is for the people who have the means to lose or take a hit because it's less scary when you have a safety net under you.
I don't have a net.
I'm 38 and I feel like I should have a net.
I feel like I should be able to take a gamble, take a risk.
I hate that I still feel like that 26-year-old girl who's fumbling her way through life.
does one enjoy the life that they have while still striving for the better version of the life they want? Try as hard as I might, I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
In fact, sometimes it feels like the harder I try to, the less progress I make.
Like, do I feel better? Sure.
But it doesn't change the money in my pocket.
It doesn't help me feel more secure and more energetic.
Somewhere along the way, I lost all my energy.
I lost my spark, and it's easy to blame it on bad relationships with addicts, and that's definitely a part of it.
But that's not the full story.
I lost that manic excitement and optimism of that girl who was writing that thesis.
I lost my sense of direction.
Or, or maybe more accurately, I completely ignored my compass.
And now at thirty-eight, I'm looking at that compass again and wondering, do I follow it for real this time and with my whole chest? And what does that even look like? And am I capable of the-- of taking that big of a swing? But also, why does that feel like such a big swing? Why does that have to feel like a gamble? Why does that feel like a risk? Why does believing myself, betting on me feel like a risk? Why does dreaming always feel like something that doesn't help anything? Why does dreaming feel defeatist or impractical when staring at the same problems over and over again just make me feel bad and make me feel like a loser? You know, it makes me feel scared when I'm just staring at the same old problems over and over again.
It, it's overwhelming.
But, like, I know the answer to that because I don't believe in myself.
So dreaming honestly feels like a threat.
It feels scary.
It feels like I'm setting myself up for failure.
It feel-- Dreaming feels naive at times.
It feels like I'm not having my two feet planted on the ground.
So in return, I make those dreams smaller so that they feel more realistic.
So with all this stuff rattling around in my mind, I instantly start thinking about, okay, so what do I do? How do I move forward? And in true Steph form, I was like, "Okay, I'm gonna give myself a year," and then I started making this overwhelming checklist of things I wanted to accomplish But they weren't goals or milestones really.
I wouldn't bring into playing mode, but I wasn't thinking about the systems underneath those things.
I was thinking, I wasn't thinking about my identity or who I want to be and, or how I want to move through life, what the personal personality traits are that I need to develop to move forward in that way and to feel confident making those changes.
Um, no, I immediately started going, I'm going to do this thing in, in the next year.
I'm going to create my own, writing guideline.
Do weekly podcasts and I'm going to boost my social media and I'm going to post a reel every week.
And I'm going to, it started becoming a list of thing, a thing, a thing, a thing, a thing.
But I wasn't thinking about, the identity changes that have to come into play.
And maybe part of why I'm thinking about this now when I haven't in the past is because I've been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.
he talks about the difference between outcome, outcome-based and identity-based.
And that if you actually really want to create meaningful, effective habits and change the way you're living your life and the things that you're accomplishing, you can't just be focused on like the goal and check it off.
You have to be focused on who is the person that accomplishes that kind of task.
What's the mindset that that person has? How do they move through life? How would someone outside of themselves describe the person that achieves those things? And that's like a new, fresh way of thinking about these things for me.
And I think that's the part that's been missing so much.
Um, at least for me, I know all the things I want to do, all the things I want to accomplish, and I know the kind of life I want to live, but I don't think about how to be the kind of person that achieves those things and think about those are the habits that you need to build.
That's the way you need to approach life.
That's the way you need to think about yourself versus like, well, I just want to do this thing.
I just want to create this like writing journal, like just create that thing, Stephanie.
And it's like, I'm never going to do that.
I mean, I am going to do that thing, but if I just set out and go like, this is a task, do it.
That's just like, it doesn't connect with my brain.
It just, I stall out every single time.
And I think that that's going back to the thesis when I, when I would talk about like, it was, it's interesting because you know how I was talking about like How I remember me sitting in my bedroom working on this stuff and w- having a TV playing in the background, and I was barely half paying attention to the book I was reading, all that, and, like, that being my perception of how I lived that time in my life.
But then to read the thesis and go like, "Okay, but this...
Give yourself a little bit more credit.
Like, someone with dedication, passion, and focus created this thing.
They would not have let you graduate if this hadn't been a well-thought-out thesis."
Somewhere along the way, someone would have raised their hand and said, "This girl ain't it."
But no one did that.
I actually got very good feedback on my, on my thesis as I was, as, you know, as we were work- as I was working on it.
And so it's interesting because it's like if you think about, okay, well, how would someone...
If I'm the type of person who's very productive, if I'm the type of person who's, building this, empire that I want one day, and I think about how would someone, how would I want someone to describe me, it's funny 'cause when I think about how I would have described my own self back then, it was not positive.
But yet I'm looking at the, the proof, the outcome of that time period and going, that perception of me was, like, completely false.
I was focused.
I was dedicated.
I, I did it.
I worked h- I worked really hard.
I remember working really hard 'cause that was part of the reason why I was so burnt out.
Um, and so I...
It's funny that I didn't say, "Oh, Stephanie from 2012, 2014," whatever it was, that I didn't say, "Oh, she was dedicated.
Oh, she was studious.
Oh, she was really focused."
I didn't think, I didn't describe my...
If you remember at the beginning of this episode, I didn't describe myself that way at all.
But that is actually who I had to have been to accomplish that thing.
'Cause you can't, you can't write 200 pages without being focused, dedicated, whatever.
So I've been thinking more and more about like, okay, so the things that I want to achieve, how, what, what does that, what does the person look like? What is this, what is this vision of myself that I'm creating? 'Cause I spend a lot of time thinking about the outcome of the things that I want: the house, the money, the book I wanna write, how I want my social media account to look, how, you know, all this, the things that come with it, the outcomes.
But I've been trying to think more about who's the type of person that achieves that? What is that person like? How does she move through a room? How does she present herself? and I just think that that's such an interesting way to, to think about it.
It's just a different lens, and, And I, I don't know.
It, it, it just really struck me today when I was reading through that thesis the other night that, like, it was powerful.
I It's interesting because I also have several other pieces of work that I wrote when I was in college that I have been scared to go back and look at.
So there was, in my bachelor's program, I wrote a n- a novel in stories, but it was a hy- it was also a hybrid text that included poetry, um, and narrative.
And then when I did my MFA, I also had to write several stories, but I also had to write, um, a novel.
I had to write my, my thesis novel.
That was the thing you worked on for two years.
And I've been terrified to go back and read that, absolutely terrified to go back and read it.
And now I'm thinking, like, maybe I should go back and read those things.
Like, give myself grace when I read through them, sure.
But maybe, like I don't know.
I just felt it really, it was really healing to go back through and read my thesis.
It just helped me go, the way I've been thinking about my past is the narrative I've created and told myself over and over again, but I don't know that that is coming from a place of authenticity and realness and actually really looking at what I accomplished during that time.
I think because my natural inclination is to brush off any sort of accomplishment and brush off any sort of compliment and not take credit for anything, and then end up being very frustrated when I am not acknowledged for my accomplishments or getting credit.
But because that's always been my default, it's just sort of like brush it off, it's like when I try to give my own self a compliment, I double down on the opposite.
It's like whatever I'm trying to compliment myself on, like, just assume I fucked it up.
Just assume I did a horrible job.
Just assume I phoned it in.
And that is like, I- I knew that that was part of my personality, but I don't think it ever fully clicked until I had like evidence in my hand to dispute it.
But now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm also thinking about some of the other things I've accomplished in my life, like getting published in an anthology.
Always brush that off constantly.
It's always like, oh, well, they probably just needed another story to fill in the anthology.
Or, well, maybe they didn't get enough submissions.
Or, well, they just wanted to include a story about an old woman.
So that's why they do it because a lot of erotica isn't written about old women.
Whatever it is, I'm always creating like a narrative in my head.
I'm always, degrading my work.
And I'm always like negating the effort I put into it.
I'm always downplaying it.
And, maybe that is part of what has been holding me back.
I know that probably sounds like very obvious to people, but I'm having like a little bit of an in-moment epiphany where I'm like, maybe that has been part of the problem.
Maybe that is a big piece of the puzzle.
you know, if you're not willing to celebrate your own successes, how the hell can you expect anyone else to celebrate your success or think of it as a positive or think of it in a transforming, like that it's like this transformative thing that you've done it's interesting to think that I've been telling myself these stories about myself for a long time and between learning about being multi-passionate and learning more about how to like manage my multiple interests and find time for everything and feel good about the time that I'm dedicating to those different practices and those different interests.
And then also on top of like reading through this thesis and going like, okay, well, that story that I've been telling myself about me doesn't seem to quite line up with what I'm reading here.
This was not, this is actually quite an interesting thesis.
And then on top of that, also like working with this career counselor to revisit my resume.
So I've also dug up all my old resumes and all of that to kind of put together the most recent version of it to really look at like my skill sets overall and what would be like a good next step for me.
I'm, there's just like a little piece here and a little piece there and a little piece there that I'm like starting to piece together of like these stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are wild and misinformed and were created probably at a time, like I bet I felt like I phoned it in at the time when I was handing it in, but I'm always going to tell myself I phoned something in.
Even when I know I worked really hard, I'm just going to tell myself, well, you still could have done better.
So I did-- was not a reliable narrator back then in the moment, and then this game of telephone has been happening with myself over the years where I've just made it worse and worse and worse, and I've twisted the story to make myself sound like this mon-lazy monster who doesn't know a damn thing.
And I'm hold-holding evidence in my hand to the contrary, and it was just really, really powerful, and it was really interesting and very eye-opening because I n-I knew I thought little of myself, but I just didn't think of how much I was discrediting myself.
I truly thought this thesis was gonna suck.
I truly thought, like, you just floated through the entire thing.
You were scraping by, and you're so lucky that you barely got by.
And so I think that's part of the reason why, like, I didn't lean into it when I was younger because I felt like, "Well, you phoned it in for this degree.
You don't really know what you're talking about, so, like, don't force yourself into this world.
You have no fucking idea what you're talking about."
Turns out I was crazy, and I think I was just feeling burnt out at the time, and I think I was just having a little bit of, like, an imposter syndrome at the time.
I just felt like I didn't believe in myself, and I discredited myself, so of course I'm gonna think, "You're not good for anything."
You know? Like, "You don't pursue this."
And I kept telling myself, like, "Maybe this isn't really an interest of yours because you didn't work as hard in your thesis."
But it's like, I did.
I did work hard.
The proof is in the pudding.
So it, it's been a very interesting couple of weeks, and I don't know.
I, I...
if you have anything that's, like, creative for you, an old project or an old resume or something, like, I encourage you to go back through and look at it because what I thought was gonna be a mortifying, depressing experience was actually very enlightening, very empowering, and very eye-opening.
I'm so glad that I actually took this step to read it 'cause I almost did not.
I almost didn't.
I was like, "You have the title.
You don't need to scroll any further."
What got me to read it was I was, like, looking at the table of contents, and I was like, "What the frig are these chapter titles?" And so that's when I was like, "Oh, God."
Like, "This is like...
These chapter titles are insane sounding."
And I went through to read it 'cause I was like, "What does this have to do with anything that I was writing about?" And then I realized, like, oh, yeah, these were like...
It was the...
They sounded weird 'cause they were personal essays, 'cause they were, like, es- personal essays wrapped, you know, wrapped in a, in a research paper.
That was what got me to read it.
I was not gonna read it.
So it was very eye-opening.
Um, I wanted to, you know, before I sign off, I always like to do my recommendation corner, obviously.
I'm gonna keep this one, the recommendation corner, pretty short.
I've already recommended a couple things in this, in this episode already, so I'm just gonna re-highlight them.
The first one is Dark Wizard on HBO if you have it.
It was really interesting.
I think it was like four episodes.,
But it was so interesting, and I'm not a part of that like mountaineering, mountain climbing world, but I love documentaries that talk about those people, talk about their stories.
Amazing visuals.
There's so many visuals of Yosemite, so many interesting characters that they, they talk to and, and people from different phases of his life and, and all of that, and just like his spirit, and he struggles with mental illness through, his whole life and tr- always trying to find a sense of belonging and,, using his rock climbing and free solo and base jumping as like an art form and, and all of that.
So it's just like a lot about individual expression and, almost counterculture living.
So it was like, it was really, really interesting.
So I definitely recommend watching that.
Um, it was so good.
And then the other thing is I talked briefly about Atomic Habits by James Clear.
I can't remember if I've mention- mentioned this already on another podcast, but I have been reading that for a book group at work that I started, and it is so interesting.
I love self-help books, but a lot of them I feel like, um, uh, aren't, aren't super interesting or like after the...
and after the first two chapters, you're like, "Okay, I got it.
I'm done."
I feel like he gives so many good practical tips that, it's hard not to want to ask yourself the questions that he proposes.
His whole thing is like you can make 1% imp-incremental improvements every single day to get to the life that you wanna live.
And if you kept doing that, then, it compounds over time, and you'll get, you know, obviously you'll get to your goal faster where-whatever your goal is.
He gives a lot of ways to think about goal setting.
In fact, he-- I don't know that he really recommends goal setting per se, um, because I think we think a lot about the goals we wanna do, and we think we understand the habits that in, the steps that it takes to get there.
But I don't know that like, at least I'm not good at actually like changing my habits.
You know, I have like the best intentions, but I feel like reading this book along with some of the other things I've been doing has just been like the right combination of things for me right now that I feel like I am starting to like do things slowly a little bit differently, and I'm hoping that it pays off.
And I, um, am, I guess we'll see.
But, um, but I highly recommend that book, and I know it's been super popular, and I'm probably the last person on the planet to read it.
But, I think books come to people at like the right moment in their life when they actually need it.
So, um, it came to me at the right time, I feel like.
So those are my recommendations for the week.
As always, you can find me on Instagram, manythings_steph.
You can find me on TikTok, same thing.
Any feedback is welcome.
I'm so open to suggestions.
Um, and, you know, thanks for hanging in there for another, another episode.
I'm so excited.
And then also I I do, um, to close out, have some very exciting things coming up for myself and some things that I'm working on behind the scenes.
Speaking of staying busy and building better habits and making your life better, um, I have a couple of fun things that I'm working on that I am hopefully getting ready to, um, announce soon.
So, um, and I might do like a little bit of a, a follow along during the process as I, as I create it.
Um- All right.
Well, I'm just gonna say now anyways, because I'm so excited about it, I've taught writing to adult students, I've taught writing to students of many ages really, and fiction, memoir, and I've always wanted to share, my approach to writing, and my philosophy, is that everyone has a story to tell.
Anyone can write a story.
You just need to learn how to harness your own unique voice, and I think that that is the hardest thing for people to get over, and I think it's hard for people who aren't creatively inclined or feel like they're not creatively inclined, 'cause I, I think everyone has a creative side, um, that it can be really hard to get a story started, to develop characters, and all that.
So I've always wanted to turn some of the coursework that I did in those adult ed courses they were eight to 10-week writing courses.
I've always wanted to turn some of those exercises and, my, the lessons into, a guided workbook for writers.
So I am working on that, and I'm very excited about it.
It's coming along really, really well.
So hopefully that will be available to purchase very soon I think I'm gonna do kind of like a follow along thing with me on Instagram, so if you want to follow along, um, as I create it and see a little bit of that behind-the-scenes process, definitely go over to Instagram, find me on manythings_steph, and I will see you back here in a couple of weeks.
All right.
Thanks.
Bye.