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Self Abandonment In Relationships - what it is & why we do it · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time listening, a very special hi and welcome to you.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are a repeat listener, welcome back.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's really nice to be back recording, having had a break over the summer.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So here we are in 2022.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's um it's been a while, or at least it feels like it has, and you know, a lot's been happening.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Christmas, holidays, the summer, the virus still.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm really honest with you, and I wrote this in um in an email to my mailing list recently, but if if I'm really honest with you, I felt over the summer a little bit off-center, a bit disconnected, and flat.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I am now emerging.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like February is the new January.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's just taken me a little bit longer than um, a little bit longer than usual to get back into the swing of things.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And like it is, I'm sure for lots of you, summer for me is a time of recharge, reset.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's a chance away from all of the busyness of of life and an opportunity to go inward and reflect.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, reflect and get really clear about what I'm calling in and creating and moving towards.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's a real time of you know, re-evaluation and less about you know the doing, the external doing and ticking off of lists, a really a much more restful, soulful kind of soul-focused time, I I guess, and especially this year.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it means that I need always to remind myself that it's absolutely okay for things to be slow, even if it feels a little bit um uncomfortable, because you know, I I like to get things done, I like to tick my list off, um, but it's perfectly okay.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's actually really needed and necessary that things get left undone and released while I take that time and space for myself.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, this is a reminder to you, if you're feeling like that too, that um so often when we're doing the inner work, when we're allowing the space and the time to move through the deeper stuff, healing, releasing, growing, it might not be noticeable or visible on the outside, but it's a lot like the caterpillar in the cocoon.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole lot going on inside, there's a whole lot of transformation happening.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So the deep work, the soul work, it's big and it's real and it's valid and it's necessary, and it also takes time, time, time to move through, and time for it to show up in ways that are external visibly.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if if you're in that cocoon phase, it's just this is just a little reminder to from me to you that it's okay for it not to be seen or visible externally, particularly to others.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to just be in that cocoon phase.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: The external stuff, the visible stuff, the noticeable stuff will come once you emerge.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, as I've emerged, you know, I said earlier, I I often think about in a new year, what am I moving towards this year?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: What am I moving towards in 2022?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And really the questions that came up for me as I emerged from my cocoon time were more about leaving things behind and letting go, releasing rather than moving towards.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the questions that really came up for me and that I pondered over that summer break, and really I'm still pondering, what am I moving away from?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: What am I releasing?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: What am I shedding?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, as I was thinking about, you know, what's 2022 going to look like, the word shedding came up, and I think shedding's gonna be a really big theme for me this year, and just landed fully formed in my lap that 2022 is a year of shedding, and that doesn't mean that the shedding is going to be a destructive, burn it all down type of energy.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it feels like a much gentler, deep recognition of what isn't for me anymore, whether that be in my business and my work life or my personal life, what is not for me anymore, a consciously created slow burn of release and shedding and letting go.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Shedding whatever no longer serves me to be fully me and fully show up and share the best version of myself, shedding the stories, the wounds, some of the things I've thought or believed about myself, about other people, about relationships, business, life, love, all the things, shedding expectation of others, shedding the expectation of others who I should be, how I should show up in the world, how my life should look, shedding any remnants of the good girl who is so deeply ingrained in so many of us and in our society generally.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: When we don't show up as the good girl, nobody quite knows what to do.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It can be really quite confronting for others when we don't show up as our good girl persona.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, as I said, shedding any remnants of her, that persona, that ingrained pattern, behaviour of being female feels really, really liberating for me, but it's also activating for others.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's so deeply embedded not only in us as women but in others, men, and that when we that when we shed her, when we refuse to show up as her, it's shock.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: So shedding all of this, all of this to allow me the grace and self-trust and self-belief to anchor back into myself, to stand in my personal power, to really see myself.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, light and shadow both, and to know myself so well, so deeply, so intimately, that the shedding is almost a done for me process.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's not for me anymore is so obvious that releasing it is actually simple and easeful.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not difficult, it's almost like done for me.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And me opening up about this has led to a whole lot of conversations about reclaiming ourselves, reclaiming our power, honouring what we need, and releasing ourselves from what is no longer for us in order to do all of that.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the themes that has come up, one of the things that we need to heal in ourselves to release ourselves from is self-abandonment.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to jump on today in this episode and really talk about self-abandonment, what it is, why we do it, and a few ideas about how we can heal it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna start with some questions.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you listen to your gut, listen to your intuition, or do you have a hard time trusting your instincts, trusting yourself?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Question number two Do you show up wholeheartedly, unashamedly, authentically as the whole lot of woman that you are?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you tuck little parts of yourself away, hide them, keep them small, minimize, squash down parts of yourself?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you speak your truth?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you share with others your thoughts, your ideas, your opinions, your beliefs, your hopes, your dreams?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do you speak your truth or do you remain quiet?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you hold parts of yourself back or hide them or change them?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Change parts of yourself or things about yourself in order to fit in and be liked by others, in order to seek approval?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ignore, shut down, discount, dismiss your feelings, or maybe withhold the magnitude of your feelings, thinking that you know you're too much, or they don't really matter, or that someone else will think you're a bit too intense, or maybe a little bit crazy?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you tell yourself that everyone everyone else, everything else, kids, work, family, friends, all of this, everyone and everything else should come first.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: That there's just no time to take care of yourself, to tend to what you want, to what you need, what you dream of, that everything else and everybody else is more important.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then, and then maybe in the quiet of the night or at the end of another long day, you just feel exhausted on a really deep core level.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Bone achingly exhausted.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Physically, mentally, emotionally, you're empty, drained, depleted, or frustrated, resentful, angry, just over it all, ready to walk away from everything and everyone, um, ready to blow it all up.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Just plain rage.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is self-abandonment.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't value ourselves, when we don't act in our own best interests, and when we don't encourage and comfort ourselves.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't prioritize us.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Our health, our happiness, our well-being, our hopes, our dreams, our desires, our wants, our needs.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: When we don't prioritize that, we abandon ourselves.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't listen to or tend to our bodies, when we don't listen to our inner voice, our intuition, when we don't acknowledge and honour our feelings and our needs, when we don't rest when we're tired, when we don't comfort ourselves when we're sad, when we don't celebrate ourselves when we deserve to be celebrated.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So we abandon ourselves when we don't prioritize our own well-being, but allow it to be last on the list again, uh when I have time, kind of choice, rather than a daily necessity for a happy, healthy, healed life.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we hold back our truth, don't speak our thoughts or share our opinions, when we don't ask, when we don't ask for what we need, when we don't speak up for ourselves, claiming what we know is right and true for us, maybe correcting someone's misunderstanding of us or our words or our actions.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: When we don't speak up, we self-abandon.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't trust ourselves, when we don't believe that we have the expertise, the experience, the knowledge, the wisdom when we don't believe that that's enough.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't trust our inner knowing our instincts, when we second guess ourselves, when we overthink and ruminate and procrastinate until it's too late, and by default, someone else or external circumstances have made a decision for us.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by allowing others to make decisions for us, decisions that impact us, assuming that they know more or better than we know ourselves.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by not claiming for ourselves our wants, our needs, our desires, even when, actually, especially when they are different from those we love and care about.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: When claiming our wants, our needs, our desires might make others a little uncomfortable or create conflict.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by not stepping gracefully in to that discomfort and that conflict.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by not owning, 100% owning what we most want for ourselves and allowing that to be a hundred percent okay.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Whole lot of yes okay, by not answering honestly when asked a question about what we want, by saying I don't mind, or I don't care, or whatever you think when we're asked for our preference or our opinion.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's self-abandonment.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by seeking external validation, by asking others, whether that be verbally or through our behavior, to tell us the answer, to tell us we're doing well, instead of deeply trusting that we know what's best for ourselves, that our worthiness is innate, not something we need to earn or prove or have gifted to us from by someone else.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we don't validate ourselves.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves by people pleasing, by staying quiet or doing things in order to fit in, be accepted, being the good girl, the helpful one.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves when we choose not to act in accordance with our or in alignment with our values, um, but rather behaving or acting in ways we think will please or at least not displease others, even when that behaviour goes against our own values and our own beliefs.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: People pleasing is self-abandonment.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we don't bring the tricky, challenging, or shadow parts of ourselves to the light, when we keep them squashed down because we don't want to see them ourselves, but we certainly don't want anybody else to see them.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we do that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: We also abandon ourselves when we give in, not give in, but when we allow our inner critic free reign.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: When we're harsh with ourselves, when we're judgmental.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Harsh inner critic takes us away from our authentic voice, our authentic self.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And allowing a harsh inner critic free reign in our head and our heart is a form of self-abandonment.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: We abandon ourselves with numbing strategies, suppressing feelings, pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, avoidance, alcohol, Netflix binge, or comfort eating, whatever your numbing strategies are, whenever we choose those numbing strategies, not just for genuine comfort, but because we're avoiding showing up for ourselves, because we're avoiding or denying feelings, difficult feelings, that's a form of self-abandonment.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And we self-abandon when we don't do the inner work, when we don't go inward.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like I spoke about at the beginning of this episode.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we don't do our inner work, when we choose not to show up for ourselves, heal our emotional wounds, do the soul work, because it's hard.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said to my own coach recently, fuck the inner work, because you think you've done it, and then boom, there it is again.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: More healing to do, more learning to do, more growth.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we self-abandon when we choose not to do that inner work, even if, especially because it's hard.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we stay in relationships, be they intimate partner relationships or friendships.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we stay in a relationship that is no longer right for us.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we stay in a relationship that is no longer happy, healthy, mutually respectful, mutually beneficial.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now that doesn't mean the shedding of that relationship has to be a burn it all down destruction.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: But to stay and not do the work is self-abandonment.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we choose the comfort and what is known over the discomfort for something that is better.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we self-abandon when we say yes when we really want or need to say no.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: We self-abandon when we choose not to set and hold healthy boundaries with others, but also with ourselves.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So self-abandonment.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we do it?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why as humans do we self-abandon?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Primarily, we do it to fit in, to be liked, to be loved.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: We do it, ironically, so we won't be abandoned.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Self-abandonment is a learned response, a learned behaviour, often from childhood or from a past lived experience.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a self-protective strategy, and it's born of a really deep desire to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked, to be loved, to be and feel emotionally safe in our relationships.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, perhaps as a child you were rewarded or valued mostly or only when you were the good girl, when you didn't take up too much noise, take up too much space or make too much noise or ask for or demand too much.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you grew up in a family where you were valued, deemed worthy, honored, celebrated for what you did, what you accomplished, rather than simply who you were.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps in a less emotionally available family, unpredictable or um even abusive, you learned to be the chameleon, you know, to hide parts of yourself, to hide your true feelings and your true self, to morph into whatever role would help keep the peace, keep things calm and safe, and allow you to avoid avoid, sorry, emotional pain.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you are the chameleon.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: So whether as a child or in more adult relationships, we choose to keep the peace, to be compliant, to be the good partner, um, acquiesce to someone else's idea of who you are and how you should show up in the world.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: You do all those things to keep the peace and keep the relationship alive.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You tell yourself a story that, in order to do that, in order for the relationship to to survive, to hold you, in order for you to be accepted and liked and loved, you need to fit in.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: You need to suppress your ideas, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, your desires.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: That you know, you tell yourself that and it's not even conscious, it's so deeply embedded that that we're not even aware sometimes that we're doing it.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe the way you show up or have shown up in past relationships, you know, is that your your worth in that relationship, your value is on what you accomplish, how much you give, how much service you offer others, how much you give to others, and that's the value you bring to the relationship.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: But all of these, all of these ways of being in relationship with others, all of these ways of moving through the world are rooted deeply in not honouring ourselves, not choosing ourselves, not valuing ourselves, not not loving ourselves deeply enough and and truly enough to trust that showing up as the whole lot of woman that we are or we can become, you know, not showing up as that woman feels like it will risk.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Connection.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing that it does, self-abandonment, is it disconnects ourselves from ourselves.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, the disconnection comes first.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: We disconnect from ourselves, we self-abandon.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: So what is it?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about what it is.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we do it?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: We do it so we are not abandoned, so we remain connected.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: But we are so disconnected from ourselves, which is what brings about all that rage that I talked about earlier, or frustration, or feeling unseen, unheard.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: That is what happens when we self-abandon.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: So not honoring yourself, not choosing yourself, not valuing yourself, not loving yourself, disconnecting from yourself, time to call BS on all of that.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to choose.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it's time to choose you for you.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to reconnect and choose you.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to shed all of that to reconnect to you and choose you.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if any or all of this has resonated with you, make sure you look out on socials or jump on my mailing list.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes about a fantastic, fantastic Valentine's Day self-love bundle that I'm releasing really soon.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Valentine's Day is activating.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: So many people have a love-hate relationship with it, or like me, are ambivalent about it, or just plain hate it.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um so it can be activating, it can be triggering, and it can be a difficult day, whether you are single, whether you're in a relationship that's not lighting you up, or you're ready to move out of one.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: In order to honour our shedding and our growth and our reconnection to ourselves, I've created this special bundle to support and nurture you in Feb, the supposed month of love.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so message me if you want the details, jump on the mailing list because I'll release it to my mailing list first.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a limited number of spaces in this special deal.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Love yourself up this Valentine's Day with something that lasts a whole lot longer than flowers or chocolate, as nice as they are, or you can gift it to a girlfriend.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: So watch out for it on socials or check out the show notes.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and in closing, I wanted to read uh a poem.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a poem by a woman called Donna Ashworth from her book To the Women.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's called To the Woman Who is Slowly Fading Away, to the woman who has lost her spark, to the woman whose get up and go has well and truly gone.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is for you.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is to remind you that you don't have to be everything to everyone every day.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't sign up for that.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when you used to laugh, sing, throw caution to the wind?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when you used to forgive yourself more quickly for not always being perfect.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can get that back again.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: You really can.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't have to mean letting people down or walking away.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: It just means being kinder to you, feeling brave enough to say no sometimes, being brave enough to stop sometimes and rest.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: It starts the moment you realise that you're not quite who you used to be.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Some of that's good, some of that is not.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: There are parts of you that need to be brought back, and if anyone in your life is not okay with that, they are not your people.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light again.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have been slowly fading away, my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and no to things that don't.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's really pretty simple.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you once again for sharing time with me.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know there are a whole lot of things you could be doing, and I'm really grateful to have you here listening with me and choosing to spend your time with me.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget if you're in need of some self love, there is that Valentine's Day self love bundle special coming.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if you're in or look out for it on socials.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.