Latest / Jess Ask / Letting Go: A Personal Account of Overcoming Domestic Violence | S3E8

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Letting Go: A Personal Account of Overcoming Domestic Violence | S3E8 · Jess Ask

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Hey, it's your girl, jess You've just entered a safe space for Kingdom
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entrepreneurs and creatives to decompress, have fun, and yeah, you've guessed it
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a safe place to just ask before we get into it, be sure to
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subscribe and download the podcast, follow me on all platforms at the Jessica S.
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Smith and invital friend. Also make sure you DM me your feedback and
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questions so we can keep the conversation going. Now, let's get into this
0:41
week's episode. Hey, y'all, is your girl Jessica is Smith? And
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we didn't already kind of got into it. Welcome to the pod, Welcome
0:53
to the pie. It's just me and Daisy today, and we are already
0:57
in some good conversation. And so before we start, man, I just
1:00
want to I just want to say thank you. I want to say thank
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you. At the moment that we're recording this this episode, I haven't realized
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that I've been officially doing this podcast thing for a full year. A full
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year, y'all. Man, And I don't cry, justic. Yeah,
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I was feeling y'all. It's been twelve months I released, I released the
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podcast like my first introduction podcast. What was that October twentieth. It was
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on my mom's birthday. Ouch, it was on a Thursday. And we've
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been doing it on Thursday Thursdays ever since. And I didn't realize even on
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my mom's birthday there had been a year and I got Facebook. Thank you,
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Thank you God for Facebook because it'll give you the memories and it shows
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up. And today I looked at my Facebook and the episode life could be
2:09
much more simple. Uh, you know that's our tagline, Life can be
2:15
much more simple if you just ask. And I want to say thank you.
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Thank you to everyone that has participated and the following of the brand,
2:28
the maturation of the podcast, and so this is. This has been a
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great journey. This has been a great opportunity to grow and develop and activate
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my voice, y'all. Like it was, it was at one point,
2:44
y'all that I didn't really understand why I was doing this. I really didn't
2:49
understand why I was set up to be the host of some a brand like
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this, right, especially using my name. But God is really giving me
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and allowing me to understand the vision of what he has for this platform.
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And there was a ray and I were just talking, y'all, and I
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mentioned to her that we we had to give people opportunity to give and sel
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because we have a lot of people that are interested, but we don't have
3:27
the open space for people to do that, and so we have to create
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that open space. And so from now on, you guys will see that
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tagged in the description, where you can give, where you can sow until
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this platform. But also just realizing that this is just not a podcast,
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that this is a ministry. A lot of people, you know, say
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this is my podcast. I want my podcast to grow because of X,
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Y and Z. You know that this podcast will grow because this is a
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God thing. This is a God moving I know that my heart is not
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to make everything so churchy and so spiritual. But at the end of the
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day, the reason why we've made it twelve months, the reason why we've
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been able to develop, the reason why I went from last last year this
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time being by myself managing. If y'all go look at the videos and listen
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to the podcast, that's why they were break That's why there were only ten
4:27
episodes and a season because I didn't have the help. I was doing it
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alone. But God quickly, not necessarily even hurt my choir but he saw
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my diligence and my desire to be excellent in an area to where I submitted
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this platform to him. I didn't. I was operating our perfection. I
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was operating out of just what I thought that I needed. And I said,
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you know what, God, I'm just gonna do with what I have
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about like a fifty dollars mic about like a fifty dollars mic from from Best
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Buy and got me some headphones. Didn't really know what I was doing the
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intro and outro that y'all hear. I did that myself. I did that
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myself. I did it by myself. I used Odyssey, a free app.
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I also use Audissey to record the podcast. You know, y'all getting
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free game right now, But eventually I'll get into the weeds. We uh
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desert reate And I want to create an opportunity for Kingdom entrepreneurs to set themselves
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up for platforms like this, whether you're doing it yourself or you're gonna be
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Are you gonna be the ones that's being interview? How can I set myself
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up? How can I ask to be on a podcast? You know?
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What does that look like? Like? We're gonna this is that type of
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platform. This is the heart, heartbeat of this platform, just ask the
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podcast. And so my thank you also comes with an expectation of growth.
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Yeah, an expectation of growth. And I didn't think I was gonna say
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this because I didn't even really realize it. But I want to say thank
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you. I'm very grateful for those of you that have linded your ears and
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shout out to those those people. I'm gonna say their name first of all,
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Apostle Howell, my spiritual father for even pushing me for this idea.
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I never thought of this for myself. Also, thank you to my brother
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Greg Greg Riley. Once he found out that I wanted to do it,
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he pushed me. He didn't he didn't give me a way out. And
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then also my coach, coach defund me. She just pushes me. She
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say, She's basically like, hey, if you make a decision, you're
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gonna stand on this decision and you're gonna walk through it. And I also
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got to think my girl Desiree, like who's cutting onions? Known for the
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onion cutting. Yeah, at the point that Desiree came, I I was
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about to stop because I was like God, I can't. I can't operate
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in excellence and doing this if you and I told God this, if you
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want me to be excellent here, I have to have help. I have
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to have help. And God really knew how to show up in it because
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the receiving help is still an area of opportunity for me because I've been burned.
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I'm sorry, I'm crying, but I've been burned, y'all, and
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so there's still some feeling I need. And God literally groomed as a ray
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to learn to understand my love language and understand the languages of my wounds.
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That's w O U N d is. And what she did was she heard
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God and creatively she pushed herself in the position that she's in now. And
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I'm pretty sure she knew that she would be here in this position before I
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did, because I was, like, I was thinking, I was helping
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her, you know, do add something a bit a business line to her
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her portfolio. All in while God was making it clear that we were her
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purpose partners. And so, y'all, the things that we need help with,
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we can't ask for help for one without doing the work first, right.
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We can't ask for the help without doing the work first, but we
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also have to be positioned and open to receive the help that God sends.
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Right, it's a difference between somebody just wanting to help you and at this
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point, thank you, Holy Spirit, it's not even Desi Ray helping Desi
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Ray has become a servant right to the point where it doesn't feel like we're
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lacking anything because now Desiree has been pushed to the point where she's doing things
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herself, like she has prayer events, prayer gatherings coming up. I've seen
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her just grow dramatically since she's decided to connect with this platform. And so
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what your serving does is it sows the seed and makes your ground fertile and
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it adds exponential growth. Like I started serving my coach that I've only known
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her, it's going on four years now. People think that I've known her
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all my life just by the by the encounters that they have with us.
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But I've only known her for four years of my life, and it's out
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of the serving the servitude that I had that my life has expanded that I'm
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even able to do something like this, And so I know that thank you.
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It was kind of lengthy, but I want you to know that this
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is real, right like, even now does a ray like I'm tired.
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I gotta be transparent. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm a little tired.
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And this is not me whining or anything like that. And this whole
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episode is not gonna be about me, but it's just me being vulnerable and
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transparent. I feel lied to right now. I'm tired. I'm being stretched.
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In this season, I've been learning how to say how to have to
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say no a lot just because I don't. I only have room for God
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ordaining and a lot. Some of my relationships have shifted. Some of my
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yeah, some of my relationships is shifted, and I felt some type of
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way about it, you know, I felt some type of way about it,
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and I was talk I talked to a few of my friends this week
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and I was like, you know, kind of telling them. At a
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point, I was feeling bad, But then I had to remind myself,
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if they don't understand, that means that that grace has lifted on the road
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of us being friends. We can be cool, but I need friends around
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me that are not going to only understand where I am, but push me
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to where they understand that God is taking me right. That's good. There's
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a difference between like you, you think you got supportive friends until you have
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to give them the know. Oh, we're going somewhere. Listen as you're
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talking. Uh, it came up yesterday. I had a conversation with my
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pastor and right when we was wrapping up, she said, because I know
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she was probably sensing some some reservations or some things, you know, because
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I told her, I was just like, you know, I just want
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to have a conversation when I just asked her wanted to know about her journey
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into ministry. And so as we were wrapping up, she says, you
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know, God won't give you something and not give you enough grace to carry
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it out right, because it's grace is sufficient. So when the grace has
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lifted, that means the assignment has shifted, and we have to shift with
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the assignment because we have to go with the grace. And so we just
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have to be okay with when when the grace for relationships have shifted, that
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don't mean don't that don't mean that they're bad or we're bad. It just
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means that they have the connection has reached its ending point. That's so good.
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It's not a good it's not a bad thing. It's not a bad
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thing. It can be bad if you try to stay in there. Yeah,
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it can be real. It can go left, Yeah, weird,
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it can go left. I've had the grace lifted on me before, and
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it went it went left quick. I think that as as you mature,
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we have a response. As we mature, we have a responsibility two understand
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the art of letting go. That's not my strong food, baby, I
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think doctor Field and came in the room. Why am I crying today?
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Oh my gosh. The art of letting go. And I think that my
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position and my thought patterns of letting go feels like a loss, Like it
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feels like I lost, like because this is the type of person I am,
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Daisy and y'all, y'all just listening. I go hard for people.
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I really do. I really do. I really do. And to see
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or feel like that's up or I wasted my time. I have grown now,
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I have grown. It used to be real bad. It used to
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be real bad to where I took it so personally, Like the last relationship
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I was the man I took that thing so personally. He even took I'm
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so weak. He even told me, he was like, we don't have
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to be mad at each other. Grow for one the reason why you believe
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it or you call yourself breaking away from me is BS. But you know
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I've okay now I'm talking about what I was saying in He was like,
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we don't have to be mad at each other. We don't have to do
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X, Y and Z. We can. I've learned from you and you've
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learned from me. That's what he left me with. Well, one of
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the things he left me with, we'll put a pin in it. And
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he was right. He was he was absolutely right. You know, one
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thing that I'm learning in this sea, well where I am in this season,
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is really taking moments daily to examine my heart. Right. And so
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when we talk about because I too have sometimes a hard time with letting go
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kind of things, and my Mom's like, I don't want to, you
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know, I want everybody to be in kumbaya and and get along and everything
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right. But I had to realize that I was that's unbelief, right,
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because unbelief in that I don't trust God with my life to know enough to
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know who I need and who I don't need. In my life. Wow,
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that's literally unbelief. It's like, yeah, I trust you, but
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I don't because why we can't be friends, like why we can't be friends?
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And it's not like he don't know, but he's like, are you
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gonna trust me? Or you're not? And if you're not, and you
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just keep keep these feelings of hurt, pain, shame, x Y and
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Z. But I'm trying to take you somewhere, and where I'm trying to
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take you the grace in this relationship has already ended. So I'm trying to
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give you the space to to make your own decisions and when you can,
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you mean, you can do what you want to. But I have something
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greater over here if you just trust me. And it's crazy because even let's
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just talk, We'll just talk about it. We'll just talk about it.
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Lord, how deep you want me to go with this? So even comparing
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and I don't believe in like doing the comparings, but just with my life.
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So I've only been in like two major relationships or whatever. So it's
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funny when my when my sister sisters or I'm talking to my family whatever,
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they know like Justica, don't just don't I'm not out here. I'm not
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I'm not out here like I'm not out here like that's as sim as that,
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and some people beg to differ, but it is what it is.
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But I'm not out here. So the two committed relationships that I've had were
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not necessarily drastically different, but they were drastically different. And so I met
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person B when person when I finally decided to let go of person A fully,
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so person A I was with fully fully fully. When I say fully,
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I was one foot in and one foot out for a long time.
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And the reason why what changed it for me was I started getting closer to
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God. I was going to worship center. I started going to worship when
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I was at working at J. C. Penny, I had all these
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crazy hours and I just desired more of God. Like I gotten to this
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point where I desired more of God, and that relationship, that relationship towards
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the end became abusive and at the time, at the time, I was
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making excuses to why he needed me and why if I left, he wouldn't
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have anybody. And so I really got to a fed up point when he
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I saw that I was just given and given and given and there was a
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specific instance we all did. Now I know, and I'm trying to be
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careful because I know that my dad watches this and I haven't said shared this
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type of information with him. I've shared it with others, but I haven't
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shared it with him. So Daddy, it's okay. I'm good, like
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good, listen, my daddy real nice. But yeah, we're good.
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And so we were young too, you know, I'm not giving no excuses
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or whatever. We were young. I see now why he felt I won't
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say he felt the need, but what would lead him there. There's a
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lot of insecurities there. There's a lot of brokenness there, right, And
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so the last instance, the final point where I was just like you know
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what I had the conversation with him was like, listen, I have literally
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moved back in my moved in with my mom, and because I just released
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my apartment, we were shacking up a little bit. He was over there
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like one car situation, my car and like it was just a lot of
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stuff that was going on. And I once I released the apartment, like
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the Lord, I literally heard the Lord tell me and I didn't even know
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I was hearing Holy Spirit at the time. But I f uh, I
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asked who I'm to move in? I moved in. So this is a
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point where I'm driving forty five minutes to come assist you with something that you
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really didn't need. So I was frustrated. I'm telling you how the story.
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I was frustrated. I was, you know, I felt used at
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the twint and at this point I I I literally I was done. Mm.
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But what solidified it for me was at that at that specific moment I
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came in, I helped or whatever he's we were arguing back and forth cause
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he was like I had an attitude, and I was like, I do,
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I do? And I don't remember what was said or what whatever,
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But what happened was I felt the anger calm, but I knew when the
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things was about to hit the fans. So I started to go out the
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car and I got out of the car and one thing led to another.
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I just remember my face going to the white real quick, I mean real
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quick. And by the time I turned my face around. If y'all get
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the drift, because I don't know what the YouTube will allow me to say,
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well, but by the time I turned my face around, you walked
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You're at the door. So I'm living, I'm living. I'm angry.
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I'm like, how could you? How could you do such a thing to
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me, the person that has helped you, the person that has been here
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for you, the person that you know. You used to say this,
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You used to say that bred I was so frustrating, hurt, but I
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knew. I like, when I know that I'm fed up, like that
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was my first inclination that would have fed up really look like, and how
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I know I'm fed up? Like so when I get fed up because I'm
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I'm a chance. So I'm like, okay, you can get a chance
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of chance of chance, of chance on chance and chance and chance chance,
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come me chance chu like like and I sat there and you know, some
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more things happen whatever. But when I left, I remember, I mean
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I even called my friend that was a police officer at the time. I
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told I asked him not to say anything, but because I was so scared,
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like I was just like, I don't want him to go to jail.
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But I don't want him, but I just need to figure out.
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And he, you know, gave me some sound advice at that point.
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He was like, it's your decision. Just is your decision. And the
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reason why I'm seeing this store only is only because uh, and it's uncomfortable
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because I have not said shared it publicly, like that's been a part of
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my story, and so I had to share this story so you can understand
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the depth of transition. Right. So there's physically a physical abuse, emotional
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abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, mental abuse, like it's different levels
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to abuse. And so when somebody I don't know why, I'm going ahead,
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Lord, So I didn't realize I was abused until I went through freedom.
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So for those that don't know what freedom is. Freedom was created by
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the Church of the Highlands and the Church of the Highlands. The Church of
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Hollands is major church in the art community and they're well known. What's his
24:57
name, Pastor Chris Press, Chris Hodges Hodges, Pastor Chris Hodges. They
25:04
we can say what we want to about Pastor Chris Hodges the man. The
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man created a space where God, where God can shine and people can experience
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experience a level of freedom that they probably haven't experienced in their life. And
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so shout out to Pastor Hodges and his team for creating a small group platform
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and teaching others and giving people the tools that they can take that to their
25:30
churches. So I took the I took the program when it launched at the
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Worship Center. And so at the end of freedom, at the end of
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freedom, there's this big I don't know whether to call it a conference.
25:45
It's not a retreat, but it's it's a gathering. We don't call it
25:48
a gathering. And so we dealt with different topics during the process of freedom.
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I think it was probably it's probably like twelve weeks. So let's say
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it's twelve weeks. It's twelve different topics. We go from the beginning where
26:06
you know, understanding the difference between the trees, yeah, the trees of
26:15
girl good and evil, good and evil and of life right. And so
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we go through this process. We go to this this event is gathering.
26:26
We really recap everything in two days what we do. So we got speakers.
26:30
Then every time somebody speaks, there's prayer afterwards. So they like,
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everybody gets prayed for, no matter that if they think that you, no
26:40
matter if you think that you've dealt with it or not, right, everybody
26:44
gets prayed for. And so when I went up, I'm taking my time,
26:55
y'all, because I don't this is kind of heavy. When I went
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up that there was a lady that spoke about domestic violence or b abuse,
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that was the word she used. It was about abuse, and the abuse
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could have been, you know, from a leadership, the abuse was could
27:15
have been anything, but they really, you know, had a focus on
27:18
domestic violence at that time. And so I'm sitting in my chair like I
27:22
ain't been abused or whatever. I'm just I'm just cooling, you know.
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I get up to that prayer, told they get done. So we walk
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up to this prayer. It's a lot of people everywhere, a lot of
27:37
volunteers, and these volunteers gotta go through some type of training because Baby,
27:41
the Holy Spirit was with them. I had a different prayer part and every
27:45
time they was accurate. Wow. Went to the I don't remember lay face,
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I don't remember late the name. I don't remember exactly what the lady
27:55
said. But when I got up there, I do remember before when I
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was seeing in my seat, I told myself, oh, I've never been
28:04
abused. This is not my problem. I've made By the time I made
28:10
it to that lady, and the lady started praying for me, I saw
28:17
the abuse. God gave me vision of abuse, and I wept. Wow,
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I wept, so man, I wept like my life depending on because
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it was like the ignorance that I had, Like for one, I didn't
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notice was happening, and two I was. I was abused like I was.
28:48
And it wasn't just physically. I'm talking, yeah, I presented the
28:52
physical, but it was more. It was a lot of mental and even
28:57
financial right, but we ain't even gonna get into the weeds of that.
29:03
But I didn't realize that I was. I was a part of something that
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I mean, I've heard it before. It was like domestic violence and people,
29:17
you know, being abused. But my definition of it was created really
29:22
by him because it was like, oh, I ain't giving you no black
29:23
eye, right, I ain't. You ain't got no black eye. I'm
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like, okay, yeah, you right, at least you don't do that,
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oh right. So I fed into that. So in my mind I
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thought I wasn't being abused and so and let me let me make this footnote.
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Let me make this note because it is what it is I try to
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get. You know, there's grace, right, and the reason why I
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can speak to this because for one, I forgive forgiving him, and I've
29:56
actually had. Everybody doesn't have the opportunity to speak to their abut us right
30:00
and I have. I have, And when I did speak to him,
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it was a whole like the space that was created, like it was a
30:11
whole different person. Like as far as like language and viewing and what should
30:15
have happened, it was, Hey, I should have quit treated you like
30:18
a queen. It was my own insecurities. If I felt like you were
30:22
doing something or if I felt like X, Y and Z, I should
30:25
have managed that differently, Like it was we have an understanding, like I
30:30
dap them up in the street right now, like that that's I'm so I
30:33
wonna say over it because I do still see tendencies that come up that all
30:38
my responses are still like I'm like, oh, where did that come from?
30:41
You know, I still have I still experienced those things. But as
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far as like being mad at him, I'm not mad at him. You
30:49
know, it happened. I learned from it, but at that moment of
30:57
freedom, at the freedom are gathering, I didn't I didn't know. And
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so now now I'm in a space where I'm finding finding out that I was
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actually experiencing abuse. Then then I leave this this man right like fully with
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no coming back. And then I said, God, I'm just with you,
31:26
like I really meant that, Like I was like, God, I'm
31:29
with you all right. Then I transition. I hope for one. Let
31:33
me put it in, I hope beyond Jordan's story, not necessarily Jordan's story
31:37
from a point of oh, Wow, this is so interesting. No,
31:40
Like I'm I'm talking a lot, and normally you hear Desertray in the background
31:45
she'll chime in in a minute, but I really feel led to, I
31:48
guess be transparent right now. And so I'm in this transition right and I'm
31:53
like, okay, God, I'm heavily and you. I'm even trying to
31:56
figure out how I can serve with that with working this re tell job that
32:00
I'm a manager at because we work on Sundays, you know, I'm trying
32:04
to figure out what their balance look like. I'm trying to be more involved
32:07
with God. I'm trying to show my heart, like I'm really in this
32:08
place of wow, like God, you really want a relationship like I was
32:15
just so infatuated with with the ideas of God. Right, then comes this
32:23
man, you know, person B. And really, when I first encountered
32:29
him, I didn't see him, like, I don't even remember what he
32:32
looked like, what he had on. I didn't see him. And he
32:42
asked me out to moves or whatever, was like, yeah, whatever.
32:44
I put his phone number my notes. That's how unbothered I was. I
32:49
was so focused on focused. Then I tell you know, I end up
32:51
telling my friends and my sisters like this man came up to me today asking
32:54
me to go to the movies with him. Y'all. Let me tell y'all
32:58
something. I'm so awkward. I am so I'm still that trait has not
33:04
changed. So Man of God, if you approach me, Gud's gonna have
33:07
to give you grades because I am so business minded, business focused. If
33:15
you approached me, you gotta have some type of grades because yeah, I'm
33:22
a little awkward. But AnyWho he approaches me, I ended up reaching out
33:28
to him after, you know, they were trying to encourage me to,
33:30
you know, because all I knew was person A. That's all I knew.
33:36
All I knew was persone and so end up meaning that that relationship ended
33:40
up going kind of quick he was much older. Beautiful man. I mean
33:47
no matter, no matter if it worked out or not, he was beautiful,
33:52
okay, beautiful man. And I was like even starstruck on it,
33:59
like, oh I can get somebody like he dead like, oh, I
34:04
mean he topp tier like he he looked like dead. He looked like dead
34:10
like. So not only was he fine, I'm telling all my business and
34:15
I don't know why I'm here, but I'm free. I'm gonna believe I'm
34:21
in the deep end now, so now I'm fine and child. Not only
34:30
was he fine that that what they call it, that top tier, he
34:36
knew how to use it. Opening doors. Now, this stuff I ain't
34:39
never had before because person a could kill this opening open the door for who?
34:45
You better get out of the car. What's wrong with your hands?
34:50
With with with literally let the screen door. I could see the screen door
34:52
right now going in my face. Would not talk to me for weeks at
34:57
a time, right, it was, I go from neck to getting flowers
35:05
and going on days. He picked me up like I was like you picking
35:10
me up, Oh my gosh, Like you want to date me? You
35:15
want to talk to me? I literally literally after our first date, we
35:17
literally went on like four or five dates the first week. Wow, blew
35:22
my mind, like and I remember when I actually was able to see him
35:27
because I didn't see him the first time. And when we went to the
35:30
movies, I was so nervous that I really didn't look at him and I
35:36
and even so much so that we were in the movie theater by ourselves,
35:39
and I remember grabbing his hand. I was so nervous, and we sit
35:44
in the front because we was in the byself. And every time You'll touch
35:46
me and say hey you okay, and I jump. I was like,
35:49
oh, I was so when I say awkward, y'all awkward, like y'all
35:54
pray for me. I say, I want a husband, but I'm trying
35:57
to figure out it's gonna work out because awkward is my name. He's graceful.
36:00
It the baby he got to be, okay, has to be.
36:05
And so I remember we ated this nasty restaurant, we said, because it
36:10
was just trying to see him or whatever. And I offered. I was
36:13
like, you know what, you want to go get so much off it
36:14
and go before I go to work. And he said, yeah, let's
36:16
go to this place. And we both already a salad. Go to salad
36:20
stayed on that plate for me. I was looking at him. I don't
36:22
remember anything. He said, mess up a salad. It was nasty.
36:25
It was the lettuce. It was the lettuce. The chicken one cooked.
36:29
It was a barbecue place. We should have probably did barbecue. But girl,
36:35
y'all, I literally remember. I was like so infatuated, like with
36:42
I said, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm with this man.
36:45
I got this man number. He actually took me out on the day.
36:47
He actually can't like. I was so like, because that's now, let's
36:52
connected to a self esteem and insecurities that I've had, right, and not
36:55
the same person that A was just like trash or ugly or whatever. But
36:59
this type of man, like this type of man you see in movies like
37:01
this is type of man that you know, well, not more's chasing them,
37:06
but what's his name? Light skinned, green eyes? That that e
37:12
Lee? That's that Elee anoinging Okay, that's what he had. And I
37:15
was just like, whoa, how how did I do that? And so
37:21
people around me because for one, like I didn't hang around my friends with
37:24
person A. I didn't I wasn't really involved with person ae and and so
37:30
let me let me put a pin in here, a plug in here.
37:32
Friends there are that don't really understand why their up friends are moving certain ways.
37:38
You need to pray for them, like real talk. Like I never
37:42
shared that with my friends up until a point. My best friend Philip,
37:46
I remember, I made I made a blog and I ended up finding out
37:51
the relationship and the dynamic of my grandparents, two of my grandparents relationship and
37:59
how they used to, you know, fight, and it was end up
38:01
be getting a generational thing, you know what I'm saying, like, oh,
38:05
so this is this is a blood line? Like now I'm not learning
38:07
like what's in the blood on something Like, I'm like, this is a
38:09
blood line. And so I wrote a letter, open letter to my grandmother
38:15
and it was the most one of the most painful things I did was addressing
38:17
her, So why you didn't why didn't we have this conversation? Why didn't
38:22
I know about this? I had experience this. Now it stops with me,
38:25
you know. And so before I released that letter, that was few
38:30
people I think I called. There was a couple of people that I called,
38:34
And at that time, I don't think my dad was really, why
38:36
shouldn't paying attention to my blogs? But I knew who was who was and
38:40
who really meant something to me. And one of those people with my best
38:44
friend Philip, and I remember having a conversation with him and saying that,
38:51
Hey, I'm about to make the post this blog and it's coming out on
38:55
my grandmother's birthday, and I want you to I know you gonna read it,
39:00
and I know you're gonna have questions, so I rather answer him now.
39:02
And that was probably the hardest I think I started with him. It
39:07
was the hardest thing to open up about. That was the first time I
39:10
released that that that was the thing, that that had actually happened to me,
39:15
and so much love, so much grace, so much understanding, and
39:23
to know that he was with me, and he didn't know. They just
39:27
knew that they didn't like the man. But why I was so secluded and
39:30
why I, you know, with tiptoe around or what I felt like I
39:35
could and couldn't do or whatever, like I was moving in fear, like
39:40
I was really afraid to move for multiple reasons. Right, And so now
39:46
you got this man and I'm outside, he said, I'm outside, We're
39:53
outside that's the right. I am outside, Okay, out outside, Okay,
40:04
I am with my man. I am with my Michael. E Lee
40:09
you hear me. The Michael was muckling. Okay, I'm outside, my
40:15
baby. Fine. We didn't committed to each other. We I mean,
40:22
the man smelled good, look good work with his hand with what a uniform?
40:25
Like I'm I am giving y'all picture because it's real. Okay. I
40:31
go from being feeling like I'm in a cave, feel like I'm in prison,
40:36
to being outside like I felt free. I felt like I was like,
40:39
oh my gosh. Because I told the Lord, Oh this is so
40:42
good. I told the Lord. I said the next man I met,
40:45
the next man that I meet or they it gotta be marriage. So I
40:51
told him a friend like all like, hey, hey dog, if you
40:54
ain't any for marriage, I don't want it. I don't want it.
40:59
But because at this point, I'm tired of giving my heart like I spent
41:02
too long. I spent ten year about ten years with person A and so
41:07
long story short, I have this drastic, this drastic encounter of a relationship
41:21
and it it changed me. So going back to his his his person B.
41:36
When we when we separated. I was so depressed because in my mind
41:40
we were already married. In my mind, I married it. Man,
41:46
we'll talk. And I was so frustrated that it didn't work out because I
41:53
had invested so much more time with somebody that didn't it failed with And so
42:02
when he told me that we don't have to be mad at each other,
42:09
that this could be a lesson, like I've learned stuff from you, You've
42:13
made me better, and you've learned stuff from me that made you better.
42:16
I wasn't really trying to sell in it because I didn't. I didn't get
42:20
what I wanted, which was the marriage, which was the marriage, which
42:24
was you know, the commitment, which was the promises that were told to
42:34
me, alright, and so now I feel empty and frustrated with even dating
42:45
or even a man approaching me like girl. I went out on a date
42:49
the next like after that after we broke up, and I literally left the
42:59
date crime. The Man of God was nice, he was so nice,
43:02
he was so sweet. But I left the day crying. I was just
43:06
crying, like it hurt me so bad, and I'm not this is I
43:12
don't I really, let's just be transparent. I don't know why I'm sharing
43:15
this because woma to God what we had talked about. That is not what
43:20
we said we were gonna talk about. And I'm like, and this goes
43:23
back to the point Desert Ray and I was talking. I was like,
43:27
we were like people, you know, people are interested in coming on the
43:30
platform, right, and they say, Hey, what are we gonna talk
43:34
about? What's the topic. I can give you a topic all day,
43:39
But what God want to do is what he want to do. That's why
43:43
this is his platform, for sure. Like, and so really, what
43:47
I've really since what's happening is if we gonna say this is a this is
43:52
a safe space, then I have to create a safe space for myself too.
43:57
And so now the people in the voices that were hear this, they
44:01
will see that I'm on the other side of all of that, right,
44:05
And have I still experienced some different things. And if I get into the
44:08
weeds those stories, yeah, we can talk about some more. But I
44:12
don't think that's what the point of this conversation is, right. I think
44:15
the point of the conversation is going back to the art of letting go.
44:21
Right. I held on to the idea of what I wanted and not what
44:27
God was doing. I'm gonna repeat myself, I said around back for again.
44:34
I literally married the idea of what I wanted and not what God was
44:37
doing. Person B set me up to have the belief that I deserved better
44:45
because person A gave me something that I thought I was gonna have to deal
44:49
with for the rest of my life. I didn't think there was a way
44:52
out I wanted. It was times where I wanted to leave and I didn't.
45:00
Like I literally I was stuck. I made myself stuck. I could
45:06
have left a long time ago, but I didn't. Right person B fair
45:13
tale like like them kids would have been beautiful, you hear me, Like
45:17
in my mind they I already named them. I had the wedding tagline.
45:22
I had the colors, y'all, Like, ain't nobody gonna get real today?
45:28
I had the colors. I had what we wanted to do. He
45:32
was even setting us up, you know, as far as like knowing each
45:37
other's finances and all that stuff like we had got today, Like we dated
45:39
for five years, I mean child like it was. It was real.
45:50
And not to say he didn't want the same thing, but there was a
45:53
ah a a tearing right there. That's not something that God ordained, right
46:00
because if it was, if it was, it would have happened. And
46:04
so I had to learn how to release my anger from him, like you
46:07
wasting my time. You gave me all this false hope. I was so
46:13
mad. I was mad for multiple reasons, though we won't get into this,
46:17
but I was really One of the reasons I was upset is because oh
46:22
oh, oh oh, y'all, I gotta close my eyes when I say
46:30
this. I was upset because I looked at him as my savior. He
46:44
saved me. Wow, he saved me. And so I'm looking at him
46:59
and funding like I lost my savior. So I'm having a hard time to
47:06
let go because I've been the victim. I've been the victim, and I've
47:13
operated in a victim mentality. And that's why we the people that are on
47:21
the side of my voice that have experienced similar things, we get a choice
47:25
in it too. We get a choice in remaining the victim. I love
47:30
my sister Tanya. She said, there's a surviv there's a difference between being
47:36
the survivor and being the overcomer. Surviving means you know, I went through
47:40
it I came out of it, but it gives the open door for it
47:44
to happen again. Overcoming means that not only did I get out of it,
47:50
but that won't be a part of me anymore because I know who I
47:52
am, right and so if I if I had to say or sum up
48:05
everything or my whole point of is cause I did, I feel like I
48:08
did like a little rent or I don't feel like I rented. I feel
48:14
like this probably was needed. Yeah it was. It kind of just go
48:19
back when we were we were originally talking about the grace and and and knowing
48:22
when to let go relationship damn, you know, And like he said,
48:30
you look at it like a lesson, and that's literally what life is.
48:35
Life like. We journey through life and we come against these blocks, you
48:39
know, and if we're not aware aware of God, who God is in
48:45
our lives, and if we don't know who we are in Him, if
48:49
we don't understand what He's calling us to, then these blocks will throw us
48:52
off, you know. They'll they'll allow offense, they'll allow the sadness,
49:00
the anger to rise up versus looking at like, dang, what youre trying
49:05
to teach me right now? Yeah, like what what what? What in
49:07
this do I need to make sure I grab from this because obviously it's something
49:13
because you know, and I always go back to the scripture about when trials
49:16
come kind of joy because he's doing something. I'm just paraphrasing, but that's
49:21
pretty much what it is. It's like, not if something comes up,
49:23
but when it does. That's when relationships in, that's when jobs in,
49:28
that's when you know, even even child loss, you know, as hard
49:31
as that is, it's like, how can how can I count that joy?
49:36
Though? But if you think about once you make it on the other
49:37
side of that thing, you know what I'm saying, The the growth,
49:40
the patience, the understanding, the the empathy that you now have to be
49:45
able to continue to walk along, but also to be able to look back
49:50
at the person that's now at that same block and be able to give them
49:54
something that God gave them to now help them come on the other side.
49:58
So now now that they are on the other they can turn around to look
50:00
at the person that's now at that block. Yeah, you know what I'm
50:02
saying. And so I'm just in the season where I'm I'm just being more
50:07
aware of who God is and what he's doing in my life so that when
50:15
things do come up, when I am challenged, when things don't go the
50:20
way that I thought that they should go, Like, I'm just like,
50:22
okay, Lord, first off, let me check my heart. I offended?
50:27
Yeah, why am I offended? Oh? Okay, Well, Lord,
50:30
let me put this at your feet because I don't. I don't need
50:32
that. Am I mad? While am I mad? Okay? Lord,
50:37
let me put this at your feetless anything else in their search? My Lord?
50:40
What's it? Okay? Let me put that at your feet? And
50:44
this is a daily and for me, that's a thing. In certain areas,
50:47
that's a daily thing, even when it comes to like rejection, you
50:52
know what I'm saying. I was just talking to one of my one of
50:54
my friends this morning because we had supposed to have talked this week and had
51:00
not been able to because it's I was like, oh yeah, da da,
51:01
and then it fall through. So so initially the I'm being rejected kind
51:07
of rolls up, right, But I'm like, yeah, no, I
51:09
don't. It's not personal. You know, if I understand the life I
51:14
put it down, it's not it's not personal. Right If I if I
51:16
just understand the life that this person is living right now, Like they're just
51:21
kind of all over the place, you know what I'm saying. So you
51:22
know, I'm just in that season, and so we just have to be
51:27
open to just being really led by God and trusting him with everything. M
51:36
everything you said, everything, everything, everything, y'all hear that, trust
51:42
God with everything, with everything, even the ugliest. When I'm where I
51:45
am right now, Like God knew where I was, and he knew.
51:52
He trusted himself so much that he knew I would come to him. He
51:57
knew I was, I would come to him, And when I came,
52:00
I wanted I want it out. Yeah, when I came, I want
52:05
it out. And so I want to say this, and we're gonna wrap
52:07
this up because this was kind of heavy. If you're on the side of
52:13
my voice and your experience, you have a person they experience. I want
52:20
to say that, for one, you're not crazy. You experience what you
52:27
experience. I don't care what's being told to you. I don't care what's
52:30
being said to you. I don't care what was told to you or what
52:34
was said to you. You're listening to this episode, You're you've gotten to
52:37
this point for a reason. And in that reasoning, God is trying to
52:45
be very clear with you to go back to the place so he can heal
52:50
you from there. We can't be healed from from running away from it.
52:54
We have to go back to the place and address it. That's why I
52:57
was so profound when God I didn't even know I was being abused and our
53:01
experienced abuse, and I go to prayer and I'm seeing visions of the abuse.
53:07
I'm seeing. I'm going through a recap of what's happening. Is because
53:13
I didn't connect the dots, and so don't I know. It's fear,
53:16
it's it's it's it's a it's scary to go back, but it's necessary,
53:22
so you can go up. It's good, it's scary to go back,
53:28
but it's necessary for you to go up. And in this season and this
53:32
time, and God is calling us up, and what with way what the
53:37
enemy, the adversary would want us to do is wallow in the ignorance and
53:43
the frustration of what has happened to us versus what's going to happen through us
53:51
by us going up. And so I think that is the point of me
53:57
even vocalizing a story that I was not playing on having to tell, not
54:00
in this platform, not on this platform, right, And so I encourage
54:08
you to reach out. I encourage you to get get involved in the ministry.
54:14
I encourage you to get involved with God. Tanya has a story where
54:19
she I can't wait to have her own y'all. Tanya has a story where
54:22
she she said, she literally went through a season of it was just her
54:25
and God, and she got to know herself through knowing God. And so
54:30
we'll put some resources down, especially if you're experienced and the domestic violence.
54:35
There's websites, there's free, free opportunities for you to get help. Go
54:43
to therapy, y'all. I've had to do a lot of therapy. I
54:46
need to find another therapist because the one I tried it didn't work out.
54:50
But go to therapy and get in your word. That's about the only advice
54:55
I can give you on it. That's what's worked for me. And then
55:00
you'll learn how to not allow that your experience or that experience to be a
55:06
choke hold, because now that ends up being self abuse. And so you
55:13
about to say something that's good, just I was just gonna say, you
55:19
know, and your healing process starts when you choose to release forgiveness. That's
55:25
so good because you know, the forget releasing forgiveness of that person's not saying
55:30
that what they did was right, you know what I'm saying, because it's
55:35
not. It was literally saying, Hey, I'm not giving you no more
55:37
real estate in my in my space, no worry. So I'm going to
55:40
release you from that. I forgive you. And now you open your heart
55:45
in your in your space to allow God to come in and do the work
55:47
that he needs to do. Otherwise, if you're still holding on to that
55:50
guy can't do anything. He can't really start the healing process because the unforgiveness
55:53
is still settling. And you know what I'm saying, So, and it's
55:58
not easy and it's not like a and it's probably not a one and done
56:00
kind of thing. That may have to be something that you have to literally
56:04
like you have to do it, do it every day day. And it's
56:06
every time that like they come up they be like, who, but I
56:09
forgive them. I forgive them until and this and this is how and this
56:13
is how you know where you are in the process when that when you're presented
56:16
with that person, whether it's a thought or the name comes up, or
56:20
somebody just say a name, and you're still triggered. Man, you still
56:24
you still you still gotta still walk that thing out. But when when you
56:28
can come into into a realm of of who they are or whatever, and
56:35
you don't feel that anger, you don't feel that bitterness, that sadness anymore,
56:39
then you know, Okay, I'm I'm coming on the other side of
56:45
this thing, you know what I'm saying. And there's no time limit.
56:47
It could be a quick work or it could be hey, a couple of
56:51
years on down the line, but you still just have to continue to do
56:53
the work to release, to to experience your full healing. That's so good
57:00
that the forgiveness word it must be used right and it must you have to
57:05
activate it. So we're gonna put a pin in this when I know this
57:07
is pretty heavy, but I want to I want to leave you with a
57:09
word of prayer, you know, subscribe, do all that. Share this
57:15
out to somebody that that if you even think of a name, send it.
57:22
I know people are curious about how Holy Spirit operates with them. If
57:29
you think even you can think about a name, you don't have to know
57:31
why you're thinking about it. That is not your business. Your business is
57:36
to send it. Just send. Be obedient and just send it. But
57:45
this was, this was this was this was good. But it was heavy
57:49
too. So I want to honor that and just let y'all step in it.
57:52
But Father, God, we thank you. We thank you for this
57:54
conversation. We thank you for opening up. God, thank you for trusting
57:59
me with your word. Thank you for trusting me and as a raid,
58:04
with the hearts of your people. So but God, we thank you that
58:07
wherever they are, because you are omnipresent, you are touching that every heart
58:10
and every spirit, every every decision, every thought process. God. And
58:15
even if they have realized in this moment of listening that they were abused,
58:20
God hold them, keep them, nurture them. Oh, God allowed them
58:23
to understand that they are not what their abuse are are projecting them to be.
58:27
And it's not their fault. And but God, we thank you God
58:30
that you are not. You haven't designed us to survive. You've designed us
58:32
to overcome. And so I speak the overcoming anointing over everyone on the sound
58:37
of my voice, whether it is domestic violence, whether it is any other
58:43
thing that they've been dealing with. But today we decided to call out the
58:46
abuse. And so God, we thank you that we have overcome by the
58:50
blood of the Lamb. Hallelujah. We have overcome by the blood of the
58:54
Lamb. And so God, thank you for making us step thighs. Thank
58:59
you for making us a movable Thank you for allowing us to abide in you,
59:02
Oh God, For you have made all things new, and you have
59:07
made it well. God is your goodness and your mercy that follows us all
59:13
the days of our lives. So we shall dwell in the house of the
59:16
Lord forever. God. Our dwelling place is new, Our dwelling place is
59:22
new in You, Oh God. And so God, as we reject the
59:28
idea of who we thought we were when we were being abused, God,
59:31
we open up ourselves for You to pour in the new knowledge, the new
59:37
understanding of who we really are. And so we are not what we were
59:42
when we were abused. We are not what the abuser have said to us,
59:45
Oh God. But we are fearfully and wonderfully made in You God.
59:49
We have purpose. We have purpose, not to be somebody's punching bag,
59:53
not to be somebody's somebody's frustration. Kid. But God, we thank you
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that you have made us beautifully and you've made us wonderfully. Oh God,
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we thank you that you made all things well and you've done a good deed.
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And so God, I speak to your daughters, and I speak to
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your sons, Oh God, whatever they've experienced, God, I thank you,
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Oh God, that you're urging them to come to your feet as Desiree
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said, Oh God, laying at your feet daily, Oh God, every
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frustration, every memory, hallelujah. Yes, everything that is attached to the
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traumatic experience. Oh God, I thank you not only for deliverance from the
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thing, but God, a complete work of healing, a complete restoration,
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a complete a yes to you, Oh God, that will propel them to
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their purpose, that will propel them to their next hallelujah. And so God,
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we trust you, we honor you, and we believe that this episode
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will be the episode that breaks change. This episode will bring change. This
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episode, Oh God, will do a work hallelujah, and it will make
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this thing well for your people. It will make them come up align with
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you. And so God, we give you the glory, and we say
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to you, congratulations, Welcome to the Kingdom, Welcome to your new Welcome
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to your new level, Welcome to your exposure, Welcome to what you've already
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been destined to be. For God has already made the promises as yes and
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amen, and has secured it for you. So no longer will we live
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in the wallowing of our fears. No longer will we live in the wallowing
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of our abusa. But we will live in victory because we have overcome.
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Lord, allow every decision we make from this day for us as a community,
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as kingdom, entrepreneurs and creatives to be made through you, for you,
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and by you in Jesus, Jesus, Amen. Amen. Hey y'all,
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thank you for listening to just ask. If you enjoyed this experience,
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be sure to like Coming and Rape so others can find the show. If
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you'd like to stay connected with me, feel free to follow me at the
1:02:02
Jessica Smith on all platforms. Again, I'm your girl, jess Until next time,