Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Fear Rejection
Transcript
- Lucas: So, I want to start with a number that really stuck with me. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that when people are asked to estimate how awkward it would feel to ask a stranger for help, they overestimate the actual awkwardness by about forty to fifty percent. Luna: That's a huge gap. So we're basically creating a fear that's not really there. Lucas: Exactly. And this connects directly to something I hear all the time from listeners — the fear of rejection when reaching out to a potential mentor. People build up this scenario in their head where they'll be dismissed or make a fool of themselves. But the data suggests otherwise. Luna: Right. So how do we actually bridge that gap? Because knowing the statistics is one thing, but actually sending that email is another. Lucas: Yeah. And I think the key is what I call the 'micro-ask' approach. Instead of asking someone directly to be your mentor — which feels like a huge commitment — you start with something tiny. A fifteen-minute phone call. A quick question about a specific project. One article recommendation. Luna: So you're lowering the bar for both of you. The potential mentor doesn't feel pressured, and you don't feel like you're imposing. Lucas: Right. And here's a concrete example. I talked to a product manager at a mid-sized tech company — let's call her Priya — who wanted to move into product leadership at a larger firm. She identified a senior director at Google who had made a similar transition. Instead of asking for mentorship directly, she sent a short LinkedIn message complimenting a talk he'd given and asked a single question about how he'd approached a specific challenge. Luna: And what happened? Lucas: He replied within two hours. They had a fifteen-minute call the next week. Over the next few months, she sent two more targeted questions — each time referencing something he'd written or said. Eventually, he offered to review her resume and make introductions. They now have a formal mentor-mentee relationship, but it started with absolutely no pressure. Luna: That's smart. And I think it's also about reframing what a 'no' means. If someone doesn't respond, it could be because they're busy, not because they're rejecting you personally. Lucas: Exactly. The same study I mentioned found that when people actually ask for help, the person they ask usually feels flattered, not burdened. We overestimate how much of an imposition it is. So if you get a non-response, it's almost never about you — it's about their inbox. Luna: So what's the concrete first step for someone listening who's been hesitating to reach out to someone they admire? Lucas: I'd say identify one person who's one or two steps ahead of you in your field — not a celebrity CEO, but someone whose path seems replicable. Then, find something specific they've done recently: a blog post, a conference talk, a project they led. Then craft a message that says, 'Hey, I really liked your point about X. I'm working on something similar and would love to know how you approached Y. Would you be open to a fifteen-minute chat?' Luna: Keep it that short. And specific. Lucas: Exactly. The specificity shows you've done your homework, which actually reduces the feeling of imposition. You're not asking them to explain their whole career — you're asking for a tiny piece of their expertise. Luna: And it gives them an easy 'out'. If they're busy, they can just ignore it or say no without guilt. Lucas: Right. And if they say yes, you've started a relationship. Then it's about following up thoughtfully — not too frequently, but with genuine updates or questions that show you've acted on their advice. Luna: That's the part that often gets missed. People make the initial ask, get the meeting, and then ghost. You have to nurture it. Lucas: 100 percent. So here's a framework: after the first conversation, send a thank-you note within 24 hours that mentions one specific thing you took away. Then, about a month later, send a brief update — 'I tried what you suggested and it worked, here's what happened.' That kind of follow-up is rare and appreciated. Luna: It shows respect for their time and that you're serious about growing. Lucas: Yeah. And it makes them more likely to say yes the next time you ask for something. Because now you've proven you're worth investing in. Luna: I want to go back to the fear of rejection for a second. Is there any research on how many people actually say yes to these micro-asks? Lucas: There is. A separate study from Harvard Business School looked at cold emails requesting informational interviews. The response rate was around twenty to thirty percent for a well-crafted, specific ask. That's not a slam dunk, but it's far from zero. And if you send five of those, odds are at least one will say yes. Luna: So it's a numbers game, but with a thoughtful approach. Lucas: Exactly. And I'd add that you can improve your odds by targeting people who have something in common with you — same alma mater, same previous company, same industry niche. Shared identity increases willingness to help. Luna: That makes sense. It's a subtle signal that you're part of the same tribe. Lucas: Right. So let's tie this all together: start with a micro-ask, be specific, follow up thoughtfully, and don't take silence personally. The data is on your side — people are more willing to help than you think. Luna: And if you've been holding back because you're worried about rejection, just try it once. The worst that happens is you get a no, which is exactly where you are now. Lucas: Exactly. And on that note — if this conversation has helped you think differently about reaching out, or if you've used a similar approach successfully, we'd love to hear about it. And if you find value in the show, one way to support us is at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It helps us keep this ad-free and focused on practical advice. Luna: Yeah, it's a small gesture that makes a big difference for us. And we genuinely appreciate every bit of support. Lucas: So back to the micro-ask — I think the biggest barrier is just hitting send. Once you do, you've already won half the battle. Luna: Agreed. So for anyone listening, here's your homework: this week, identify one person and send that fifteen-minute chat request. Just one. Lucas: And let us know how it goes. We'll share some success stories in a future episode. Until next time, keep asking — the answer might surprise you.