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Transcript

Donald Drumpf Theatre 301: The Treasons of the White-Haired Mad Queen · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: We are controlling transmission, if we wish to make it louder.
• 0:12
  [music]
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: We will bring up the body.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_03: We can change the focus to a soft blur.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: You just crossed over into... Where am I to go now that I've gone too far?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: For your consideration,
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: a nation held hostage by the fragile ego of a man-baby president,
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: you were trapped with in the Twilight Zone.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble!
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: There's a beetle that emerges on the cusp of summer, has lots of colors, blue, Gold, purples.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: It looks like a turtle.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: Have you ever noticed it?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_02: I can't say I have.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: You can only find it in... Donald!
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Drumpf!
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: It sustains itself on the waist of other creatures.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's beautiful.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Well, when Summer returns, you'll have to show me.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: You don't care about it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: You're pretending.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: All the things you care about are ugly.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: This place is ugly.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: You.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yourself.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: Ugly.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: No!
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:40
  no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: Hundreds of lords travelled, hundreds of leagues, to swear fealty to me.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: Donald, Drumpf!
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: Before gods and men.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: But my rule was already ordained.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: It was prophesied.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: It began with the doom.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: When fire and hell erupted,
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: my family,
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: alone, the gods, Summon my ancestor to unite a fractured realm beneath one banner.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: They named him Protector of the World of Men.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: His duty to shield it from an ancient and sinister darkness that looms and only
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: the might can stand against it.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: The conqueror passed this sacred charge to his chosen descendant.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: If your world is to survive, I must light the way.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Because I am the shield of the people.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: Kivio Darlaros Ixan!
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: According to climate experts, July was the hottest month in America in more than 130 years.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: But don't take their word for it.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just ask this sweaty pumpkin.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: America is the hottest country anywhere in the world,
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: and it is,
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: and if you think about it, seven or eight months ago, we were cold as ice.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: A country is hot and hot as it can be.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Our country is the hottest country in the world.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: We right now have the hottest nation anywhere in the world.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're the hottest country in the world right now.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: We are the hottest country anywhere in the world.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest country anywhere in the world.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest country anywhere in the world.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest country anywhere in the world.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest country in the world.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest country in the world.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: The hottest.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And that sun is hot.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, all I have to say is wait till he gets to hell.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: Aliens are coming?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Hot ones like Melania are the ones that Steve Miller's gonna... Real ones from space?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: From space?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Space.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Thomas Pace?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: From space!
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Greetings, alien lifeforms.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: Wait a minute, I thought you're the aliens.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: Right, but from our perspective, you're the aliens.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: What is this, some kind of cognitive test?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: I mean... Let's continue.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: Who is the leader of this planet?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: The leader of the universe.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: Donald Drumpf!
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: Why does he get to be leader?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: I represent more than a billion Earthlings.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: Well, so do I.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: Why should you be leader?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: You can't even squash a cockroach, and you want to deal with aliens?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you start with... Fight, fight, fight, fight.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: Earthlings, pull yourselves together.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: We come in peace.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: As a gesture of intergalactic goodwill, we carry a special gift.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: A formula for everlasting peace.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: The end to all wars.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like it.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: Agreed.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: Can't stop, won't stop.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: What kind of radical idiot would promise no more wars?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Can you guys bomb Iran?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: I spent a trunf preserving your galaxy.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Kill the roaches.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: Can't stop, won't stop, can't stop, won't stop.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Europe will reply to intergalactic messages in September.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: In sports
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: news, the MAGA Olympics are officially underway.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's called the Patriot Games.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it was created by the most athletic man in America.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: In the fall,
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: we will host the first ever Patriot Games,
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: an unprecedented four-day athletic event featuring
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: the greatest high school athletes,
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: one young man and one young woman from each state and territory.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: But I promise there will be no men playing in women's sports.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: You're not going to see that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see everything
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: but that.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: There will be no men in women's sports and only one Donald Trump in the women's locker room.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Roughly 90% of the athletes participating in the Patriot Games are white.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: The president's approval rating is not doing great at the moment.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's now at 32%,
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: which is almost as low as his energy during the press conference he did today
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: about rolling back childhood vaccines.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: Our task force on safer childhood vaccines was established by Congress in 1986,
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: but went dormant in 1998.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: Last year,
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: after nearly three decades,
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_03: this administration reinstated it as required by the statute,
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: and yet it was discontinued.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: And you restored that congressional mandate.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: How do you fall asleep to that voice?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: When Strumpf spoke at the Red Rock Casino on August 5th,
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: social media immediately noticed the president's hair looked different.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's hair has a lot more volume than normal, one journalist posted.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: The president previously said he tries like hell to hide his bald spot.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: In 2018, the president's physician revealed Trump takes a drug to combat male pattern baldness.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when asked about the hair,
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt said lighting is everything.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she's right.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, when you shine a light on the Epstein files, her boss's name magically disappears.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't think this was the lighting because I looked it up and this is real.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Drumpf's new hairdo looks exactly like the $15 Trump wig you can buy on Amazon.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Donald Trump wig for adults and kids.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: One size fits most.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: Give me down to their hair,
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: shoulder length longer, here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy daddy hair.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: Blow it, show it, long as God can do in my hair.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees, give a home to the fleas in my hair.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: A home for fleas,
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: a hive for the bosom bees,
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: a nest for birds,
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: there ain't no words for the beauty, the wonder, the wonder of my hair.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: Throw it, Show it, La, as the go-go when they see me in my toga.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: My toga made of blonde, brilliant, invisible hair.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: My hair like Jesus wore it, Hallelujah, I adore it, Hallelujah, Mary loved her son.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't my mother love me?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: Throw it, Show it, Long as God can go.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: The
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: lesser gods have no say in what is to come.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: We are the blood of old Valyria.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: You have an absolute power within your grasp.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_02: You have only to wield it.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: In sports news, the MAGA Olympics are officially underway.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the Patriot Games, and it was created by the most athletic man in America.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: In the fall,
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: we will host the first ever Patriot Games,
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: an unprecedented four-day athletic event featuring
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: the greatest high school athletes,
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: one young man and one young woman from each state and territory.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I promise there will be no men playing in women's sports.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're not going to see that.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see everything but that.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: There will be no men in women's sports and only one Donald Drumpf in the women's locker room.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Roughly 90% of the athletes participating in the Patriot Games are white.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: The president's approval rating is not doing great at the moment.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's now at 32%,
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: which is almost as low as his energy during the press conference he did today
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: about rolling back childhood vaccines.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Our task force on safer childhood vaccines was established by Congress in 1986,
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: but went dormant in 1998.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Last year,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: after nearly three decades,
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: this administration reinstated it as required by the statute,
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: and yet it was discontinued.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: And you restored that congressional mandate.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: How do you fall asleep to that voice?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_02: Do not trust the Queen.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: Your unborn child is a hostage, a prize by which she can hold power over her enemies.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: She will never release you.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: These are dangerous days, and it is not mine to question her grace.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: Why would you?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Her subjects do not feel safe, nor should they.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: The people of Kings Landing gather.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_02: Seeking to know who is ordained to lead them,
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: you will give them their answer, by anointing me for all to see.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_02: I have already told you that such is impossible.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: Aego, Zaltrizzatissi, Jurnerini pragas, Set,
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: Zaltrizzitir, Toliverm troso hiu iur nasi.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_02: Tumble, Tumble, Tumble, Tumble, Tumble.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, it's nice!
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: Savages and cutthroat!
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: But when the president isn't sleeping on the job, he's actually got some pretty good singers.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: We inherited a total catastrophe.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Biden and the radical left.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Democrats, I call them Democrats, because their policies are so dumb.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Dumb.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: You exchange the E with the U, and nobody knows that dumb doesn't have a B. Um...
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Dumb does have a B.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's just silent.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like Milano on your wedding night.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Drumps.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Administration officials, net job approval rating.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Look, they're all under water here.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: You got four guys across your screen.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: You got Marco Rubio, who's at minus eight.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: You got RFK Jr., minus nine.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: You got J.D.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Vance, the vice president, minus 17.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: But who takes the cake here?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Look at this.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Pete Hegseth, as I said, the lowest of the low.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: 22 points underwater,
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: and this has been something that's been going on throughout
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: the entire administration.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: He has been underwater in every single poll that I could find.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: That is his job disapproval rating being above his job approval rating, and Iran has not.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently,
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: after the NATO summit last month,
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Trump hid inside a catering cart to sneak out of Turkey due to security threats.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And let's give it up.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's give it up to the Secret Service.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how hard it is to sneak a pig out of Turkey?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: They even caught the presidential switcheroo on video.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: According to the Washington Post,
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: Trump boarded the older Air Force One in front of the cameras,
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: waving from the stairs,
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: and then slipped out a door on the other side of the plane into
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: an airport catering truck, which then drove him to a smaller military jet.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's the same way he used to get on the Epstein plane.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm no security expert,
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: but if I was trying to find Donald Trump,
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: a catering truck is the first place I'd look.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Next time hide his ass in a bookmobile.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: If you can, then my hair's too short.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: Down to here, down to there, down to there, down to where it's stuck by itself.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: They gaga as the go-go when they see me in my toga.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: My toga made of blonde, brilliant, beautiful hair.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: My hair like Jesus wore it, hallelujah, I adore it.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_03: Hallelujah, Mary loved her son.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: Why don't my mother love me?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_03: Hey!
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: Show it, show it, long as God can
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: do it.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for the songs for this week's episode from Golden Earring,
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Boots Randolph, and the Hair soundtrack.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And thanks for the clips and excerpts from John Oliver,
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Michael Buffer,
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Helena Targaryen,
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Rennera Targaryen,
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anthony Anderson,
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: DeZero Media, Miseria, Demon Targaryen, High Septon Eustace, Harry Enten, and J.L.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Colvin.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Tune in next week for episode number 302 of the Donald Trump Theater radio show.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: If we aren't forced off the air first.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, I used to say, thank God it's Freddy.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: We used to be able to do that.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: Then Democrats got elected and they wanted to get rid of God and Fridays.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: They wanted to say, thanks Satan, it's Thursday.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: But we're not doing that anymore.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing Friday God.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: We're doing Friday God.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Casual Friday, but casual.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: With God, God shows you up in jeans, or maybe a button-down shirt, no tie.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: I still do business Friday's views.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a little better at business than God.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: God wasn't too focused on business.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: He was very focused and very strong in terms of God.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: But when it comes to business, I think even God would say, sir, you're better than me.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: We think this media decides today they're going to talk about horrible numbers,
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: which are actually great numbers,
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: and they tell people they're horrible numbers in terms of jobs.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: But what we should be focused on As president,
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: I consider it the most important duty of a straight,
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Christian, business smart leader.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's called leadership.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was about, I'd call it leadership, and I would be the captain.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I am focused,
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: like no other president before me,
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: on the single most important issue facing our country, my ballroom.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now there was a show.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: All of them used to be about classy white people dancing in tuxedos and listening to jazz.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking about that black heroin jazz.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: That was not, that was not.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell was that?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about Benny Goodman type jazz.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: Swing.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: A swing.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then you go to a swingers party after a few hours.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Rich and lie to your wife and tell her you're going out with the fellas,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: and it turns out you're not, you're going out to have sex with the fellas' wives.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: But the ballroom,
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: there was a show a little while ago,
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: then of course during Biden,
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: the woke,
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: radical left polls,
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: and they kept talking about ballrooms,
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: and these were not ballrooms that I know they would say they were serving
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not going to say, they weren't serving hors d'oeuvres, I can tell you that.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: They were saying a word so horrible to use sometimes to describe women.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: I would never repeat that phrase, but they were serving it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: And the only time I've ever used that word is to describe any woman who's ever voted
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: against me or...
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: I decided not to consent.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: But other than that, I would never use that word.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, we have to do ballrooms the way you used to be doing.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm going to make our country proud,
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: get the diversity and workness out of ballrooms,
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: and we'll serve hors d'oeuvres instead of the nasty thing that they serve.