Latest / Beautifully Complex / 320 Less Stress, More Success for Back-to-School

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320 Less Stress, More Success for Back-to-School · Beautifully Complex

0:01
Speaker 1: When we are in that reactive space, we tend to
0:05
Speaker 1: only focus on putting out fires. That's all we can
0:08
Speaker 1: do because we have so many fires. But when we're
0:12
Speaker 1: proactive and we're prepping ahead of time, we're setting ourselves
0:16
Speaker 1: and our kids and our families up for success. There
0:19
Speaker 1: are less fires to put out. Welcome to Beautifully Complex,
0:25
Speaker 1: where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent
0:28
Speaker 1: kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I
0:32
Speaker 1: know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be.
0:36
Speaker 1: Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient,
0:40
Speaker 1: beautifully complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
0:45
Speaker 1: join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Hello,
0:54
Speaker 1: Hello friends, Welcome back to beautifully Complex. I am excited
0:59
Speaker 1: to have you here. And today I'm going to talk
1:01
Speaker 1: about back to school. And I know that it is
1:05
Speaker 1: mid July, and traditionally, especially here in the United States,
1:11
Speaker 1: we don't go back to school until August, some even
1:14
Speaker 1: the first week of September, and so mid July might
1:17
Speaker 1: feel really early to you to be thinking about back
1:21
Speaker 1: to school already, but a lot more students are in
1:27
Speaker 1: the year round schedule of school, and they have these
1:31
Speaker 1: bigger breaks periodically throughout the year, and so they're sort
1:35
Speaker 1: of starting their new school year in mid or late July,
1:41
Speaker 1: and so we are going to dive into prepping for
1:45
Speaker 1: back to school here in July, so that those who
1:49
Speaker 1: are heading back will have these tools and strategies and
1:55
Speaker 1: for those who have some more time, you just have
1:58
Speaker 1: more prep time. We're starting that process early enough that
2:05
Speaker 1: that proactivity and that prep is going to be successful.
2:09
Speaker 1: It's going to be effective every year now in July,
2:15
Speaker 1: I do a back to school prep week where we
2:18
Speaker 1: get online together and we complete these preparation activities and
2:23
Speaker 1: create tools and documents and strategies that are going to
2:27
Speaker 1: help us both with the transition back to school and
2:31
Speaker 1: with having a more successful school year. We're doing it
2:34
Speaker 1: all in real time together, so we're not just watching
2:37
Speaker 1: a workshop and then you have to go and implement
2:40
Speaker 1: and get it done. We are doing it together in
2:44
Speaker 1: real time. We are getting it done and checking boxes.
2:48
Speaker 1: And last year was the first year that I did it,
2:51
Speaker 1: and people really enjoyed it, said it made a world
2:54
Speaker 1: of difference for them. So I am hosting that again
2:58
Speaker 1: this year in life July. But in this podcast episode,
3:03
Speaker 1: I want to give you some of the strategies that
3:05
Speaker 1: we're going to work on in back to school prep week.
3:08
Speaker 1: I want you, whether you join us for prep week
3:11
Speaker 1: or not, to have some of these strategies that I
3:14
Speaker 1: sort of learned the hard way that I found really
3:20
Speaker 1: really helpful, really useful. Always, of course, being proactive is
3:26
Speaker 1: more useful than being reactive and trying to put out fires.
3:29
Speaker 1: When we are in that reactive space, we tend to
3:33
Speaker 1: only focus on putting out fires. That's all we can
3:36
Speaker 1: do because we have so many fires. But when we're
3:40
Speaker 1: proactive and we're prepping ahead of time, we're setting ourselves
3:44
Speaker 1: and our kids and our families up for success. There
3:47
Speaker 1: are less fires to put out. They're not none, I'm
3:51
Speaker 1: not gonna lie to you. There's always challenge. It ebbs
3:55
Speaker 1: and flows, but you will be set up for more
3:59
Speaker 1: seclus and less challenge, and so will your kid. So
4:03
Speaker 1: let's talk a little bit first about how I came
4:09
Speaker 1: to some of these strategies. You know, if you've been
4:11
Speaker 1: a listener here for a while, you know that I
4:13
Speaker 1: have a neurodivergent kid who is now at the time
4:18
Speaker 1: of recording this twenty two, so we have finished that
4:22
Speaker 1: K through twelve public education, and it was very very difficult,
4:26
Speaker 1: very very difficult. He struggles with not only ADHD and
4:32
Speaker 1: autism spectrum, but also dysgraphia, also pretty extreme executive function deficits.
4:40
Speaker 1: Emotional regulation was often a problem because he did not
4:44
Speaker 1: feel seen, heard, understood, or any sense of belonging at school,
4:50
Speaker 1: and so there is a lot of emotion behind that
4:52
Speaker 1: and a lot of difficulty managing those feelings. So we
4:58
Speaker 1: got the diagnosis of ADHD toward the beginning of his
5:02
Speaker 1: first grade year. His teacher in first grade, if you've
5:05
Speaker 1: read my book Boy Without Instructions, you know she was
5:08
Speaker 1: an angel. I call her Miss Marvelous in the book.
5:12
Speaker 1: She was just so open to all different learning styles
5:16
Speaker 1: and recognized that challenging behavior was a signal of a need.
5:21
Speaker 1: And so she really worked with us to try different
5:26
Speaker 1: strategies to be more creative and flexible in expectations for
5:31
Speaker 1: him in the classroom and in the way that he
5:33
Speaker 1: learned and in the ways that he showed how he
5:36
Speaker 1: learned and what he was learning. And so that was
5:39
Speaker 1: great and I felt like I had some tools in
5:41
Speaker 1: my toolbox. I had some knowledge of what might be
5:44
Speaker 1: useful in the classroom, and so I decided to meet
5:47
Speaker 1: the second grade teacher ahead of the start of the
5:50
Speaker 1: school year, and she was so open to it. She
5:53
Speaker 1: was so open to accommodating him and doing whatever he needed,
5:56
Speaker 1: which was wonderful. Like I was so really leaved when
6:01
Speaker 1: we had this meeting a couple of weeks before school started,
6:04
Speaker 1: and she had a student teacher in the classroom that
6:06
Speaker 1: year two, and the student teacher was also there, and
6:09
Speaker 1: they came up with all sorts of creative ways to
6:13
Speaker 1: help him to be successful in their classroom. And then
6:17
Speaker 1: school started and we walked in the first day and
6:20
Speaker 1: all the desks were in groups of like four or five,
6:23
Speaker 1: and then there were two desks over to the side
6:27
Speaker 1: that were taped off in the side that were for
6:30
Speaker 1: my kid. And you know, she was trying to give
6:33
Speaker 1: him a lot of space, right because we talked about
6:37
Speaker 1: how his stuff was everywhere, and his first grade teacher
6:40
Speaker 1: had taped a rectangle to give him sort of this
6:42
Speaker 1: boundary for his stuff around his desk and a boundary
6:46
Speaker 1: for you know, if you're supposed to be at your
6:48
Speaker 1: desk doing seat work. If he was inside that tape,
6:50
Speaker 1: sitting on the floor, laying on the floor, whatever. If
6:53
Speaker 1: he was inside the tape and doing work, he was
6:55
Speaker 1: meeting the expectation. And so this teacher like took it
6:59
Speaker 1: so much further, but actually to a point where my
7:02
Speaker 1: kid felt really isolated. He felt even more like he
7:06
Speaker 1: didn't belong right. And so she was really leaning into
7:10
Speaker 1: with all of her heart, trying to accommodate him and
7:14
Speaker 1: help him. But it was sort of so overzealous that
7:20
Speaker 1: it didn't keep an eye on making sure that he
7:24
Speaker 1: still had a sense of belonging. And fortunately she was
7:29
Speaker 1: very open to these conversations. And one morning I went
7:32
Speaker 1: in and I said, you know, he's just really feeling
7:35
Speaker 1: like he's isolated and like he doesn't fit and he
7:38
Speaker 1: doesn't belong and I was wondering if I could help
7:41
Speaker 1: you and we could just move these desks really quick
7:43
Speaker 1: and find another spot for him. And she was like absolutely,
7:47
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. You know, she felt so bad. I'm like, please,
7:49
Speaker 1: don't feel bad. We're all trying to figure this out, right,
7:53
Speaker 1: We're all trying to figure out how to navigate this.
7:56
Speaker 1: And so going into his third grade year, I was like,
7:58
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say a word, I'm just going
8:00
Speaker 1: to see what happens, and boy howdie That was not
8:04
Speaker 1: an appropriate solution either, And so over time I had
8:08
Speaker 1: to find that balance of how much to prep teachers
8:13
Speaker 1: without going too far, because they needed to experience him,
8:19
Speaker 1: they needed to get to know him, they needed to
8:22
Speaker 1: get to form a connection and relationship and see how
8:26
Speaker 1: that was going to play out, not over months, but
8:31
Speaker 1: over a week or two with a little bit of
8:33
Speaker 1: information that we give them at the beginning, and we
8:36
Speaker 1: work through in depth all of that and back to
8:39
Speaker 1: school prep week. But I'm going to give you just
8:41
Speaker 1: a few quick action strategies here in this episode, so
8:46
Speaker 1: you can get started on that whether you want to
8:48
Speaker 1: do prep week or not. So let's talk a little
8:52
Speaker 1: bit before we get into those quick wins. Why back
8:55
Speaker 1: to school feels so hard for complex kids. It's not
9:00
Speaker 1: that they struggle in school and that they don't want
9:03
Speaker 1: to be there because it's too hard. There's a whole
9:07
Speaker 1: lot more going on there, and that transition is also
9:12
Speaker 1: really hard. It's not just about getting up earlier or
9:16
Speaker 1: finding the right backpack, the perfect binder or planner. What's
9:21
Speaker 1: really going on underneath the surface is nervous system dysregulation.
9:27
Speaker 1: Big transitions like going from free time in the summer
9:31
Speaker 1: to school routines and this more rigid schedule are full
9:36
Speaker 1: of unpredictability. They're starting a new school year. They don't
9:41
Speaker 1: know what to expect. It's new teachers, it's new people,
9:45
Speaker 1: it's new students. It's new concepts that they're learning, it's
9:49
Speaker 1: new expectations. There's so much unpredictability there. And for kids
9:55
Speaker 1: with sensitive or neurodivergent nervous systems, that unpredictability can feel
10:00
Speaker 1: like danger. They do not feel safe when things feel unpredictable.
10:06
Speaker 1: Their brain's going to high alert. What's expected of me?
10:09
Speaker 1: Who's my teacher? Well? I remember where my classroom is?
10:12
Speaker 1: What if I mess up? What if I make a mistake,
10:15
Speaker 1: What if kids make fun of me? What if somebody
10:17
Speaker 1: is picking on me? On and on and on and on. Right,
10:21
Speaker 1: that's not just worry, it's really survival mode, folks. Their
10:26
Speaker 1: emotional brain and survival brain are taking over and they
10:31
Speaker 1: are running the show. And then what does that mean
10:34
Speaker 1: for their thinking brain. It's checked out, it's dimmed. It's
10:38
Speaker 1: much much much less accessible, if accessible at all. Then
10:42
Speaker 1: we're going to layer on executive function, demands of a
10:45
Speaker 1: school day, time management, task initiation, emotional control, organization, working memory,
10:52
Speaker 1: social emotional layers to that also. And that's a lot
10:58
Speaker 1: for any kid, but for are kids it can be
11:01
Speaker 1: completely overwhelming and cause shutdown. So when you see a meltdown,
11:08
Speaker 1: when you see that shutdown, if you see refusal to
11:11
Speaker 1: even go to school, I want you to please remember
11:15
Speaker 1: that that is not bad behavior, because in my book,
11:19
Speaker 1: there's no such thing as bad behavior. It's dysregulation. But
11:24
Speaker 1: it's a nervous system that is sending a signal that
11:28
Speaker 1: it needs help. It's a signal that that child student
11:32
Speaker 1: needs help. It is not defiance. It's a mismatch between
11:38
Speaker 1: expectations and capacity, even biological capacity. Kids have to be
11:46
Speaker 1: available to learn. When they are disregulated and their thinking
11:51
Speaker 1: brain is less available, if at all available, guess what
11:55
Speaker 1: they might be in the classroom. They might even be
11:57
Speaker 1: still in quiet. They're not learning anything. They're not learning anything.
12:02
Speaker 1: So the nervous system is very, very important here in
12:07
Speaker 1: our kids' school experience and in that transition back to school.
12:12
Speaker 1: But back to school doesn't have to mean back to chaos.
12:16
Speaker 1: Only if we understand what's really going on, If we don't.
12:20
Speaker 1: If we're not looking deeper, it is totally going to
12:22
Speaker 1: be just back to chaos for you. That's exactly what
12:26
Speaker 1: we're going to unpack in more detail in Back to
12:30
Speaker 1: School Prep Week. But right now, I want to offer
12:33
Speaker 1: you a few quick tips so that you have some
12:37
Speaker 1: tools in your toolbox for back to school if you
12:39
Speaker 1: want to get deeper and get more. Of course, as
12:43
Speaker 1: I have said, you are welcome to join us for
12:46
Speaker 1: Back to School Prep Week, and I'm going to let
12:47
Speaker 1: you know how at the end of the episode. So
12:50
Speaker 1: let's jump in. Quick tip number one, prepare the system,
12:56
Speaker 1: not just supplies, folks. Back to school isn't just getting
13:00
Speaker 1: supply list and going to Walmart or Target and buying
13:04
Speaker 1: the supplies and being ready to send things in on
13:07
Speaker 1: the first day. Right there's so much more preparation, especially
13:13
Speaker 1: especially for neurodivergent kids. So we're preparing the system. What
13:18
Speaker 1: does that look like, focusing on routines, making things more routine,
13:24
Speaker 1: making and creating rituals. We're building habits through doing that,
13:29
Speaker 1: so we have less demand on executive functioning skills. We're
13:33
Speaker 1: using visual schedules. I cannot emphasize enough how much of
13:39
Speaker 1: a difference a visual schedule can make, even for older kids,
13:44
Speaker 1: even for teens. It can be an icon instead of
13:48
Speaker 1: a picture. Right, we can shift it to feel less
13:53
Speaker 1: juvenile if that's needed. But having checklists, having less having
13:59
Speaker 1: visual sort of icons that I can just glance and go,
14:02
Speaker 1: oh yeah, hygiene, it makes a difference, especially when we're
14:07
Speaker 1: talking about executive functioning deficits. We also need to set
14:11
Speaker 1: up the home environment less clutter less stuff, less chaos,
14:17
Speaker 1: Dimmer lights if that's a thing for your kid, Softer
14:22
Speaker 1: sounds and tones if that is a need for your kid.
14:27
Speaker 1: We had an after school decompression ritual that really saved
14:34
Speaker 1: our evenings because if we came home and we did
14:37
Speaker 1: homework right away, it was not giving my kid a
14:42
Speaker 1: chance to recharge, to have his nervous system get regulated again,
14:49
Speaker 1: to have a break from the demands and the stress,
14:54
Speaker 1: and it was a complete and utter failure. There would
14:57
Speaker 1: be a meltdown if not multiples every day. And then
15:01
Speaker 1: I transitioned into okay, you can have some free time,
15:04
Speaker 1: we'll get a snack, well, you know, decompress, but no
15:07
Speaker 1: screens because I didn't think we could transition from the
15:10
Speaker 1: screens to homework and over time, I realized my kid
15:14
Speaker 1: was telling me he needed to escape into electronics for
15:19
Speaker 1: a short period, maybe thirty minutes, so that his system
15:25
Speaker 1: could get back online. That was what worked for him.
15:30
Speaker 1: It may not work for your kid. Your kid may
15:33
Speaker 1: love screens, they may never ever transition to homework after
15:37
Speaker 1: you introduced a screen. But we were very clear about
15:40
Speaker 1: the expectation and the routine and that it was a
15:43
Speaker 1: short time period and you were expected to transition and
15:46
Speaker 1: take care of other things, and then you could go
15:48
Speaker 1: back to that later if everything else was done. And
15:52
Speaker 1: that really really helped, And I had to get over
15:54
Speaker 1: my own belief and assumption and mental block about screens
16:00
Speaker 1: for homework to find that thing that really actually was
16:05
Speaker 1: very helpful, despite the fact that I believe that it
16:07
Speaker 1: absolutely couldn't be. So think about talk about with your kid,
16:12
Speaker 1: what does a break look like, what does recharging after
16:16
Speaker 1: school so that you have the ability to do homework
16:19
Speaker 1: look like? And if your kid doesn't have homework, if
16:22
Speaker 1: they're in a school that doesn't believe homework, then hallelujah, amen,
16:26
Speaker 1: I am doing a happy dance for you and with you,
16:29
Speaker 1: because how I wish that was our reality, but it
16:32
Speaker 1: was not, and this is true for everybody, whether your
16:34
Speaker 1: kid has homework or not. Focus on relationship first. I
16:38
Speaker 1: had two rules when my kids were in school. Their
16:42
Speaker 1: mental health came first, and our relationship came first. If
16:47
Speaker 1: homework didn't get done, fine, I don't care because my
16:50
Speaker 1: kid's mental health, emotional health, and my relationship with them
16:54
Speaker 1: mattered more than anything else. I encourage you to take
16:59
Speaker 1: that same perspective and belief it really does make a
17:03
Speaker 1: huge difference. Preview your routines now or soon before school starts.
17:10
Speaker 1: Set them up together with your kid. Set up those
17:13
Speaker 1: visuals early. Don't do it two days before school starts,
17:18
Speaker 1: because then you're starting to build the pressure. You're adding
17:21
Speaker 1: pressure that they're already getting because in two days school starts.
17:25
Speaker 1: Do it early, do it together. Take your time, get
17:29
Speaker 1: their input, but make sure that you give them a
17:32
Speaker 1: preview of the tools, of the routines, of the expectations,
17:38
Speaker 1: so that you're setting them and yourself and your whole
17:41
Speaker 1: family up for success. Quick tick number two is to
17:56
Speaker 1: collaborate with your school. With your teachers, try try, try
18:02
Speaker 1: not to take on an adversarial relationship. And we had
18:07
Speaker 1: a recent podcast episode on this with Scottie Weintraub about
18:12
Speaker 1: creating collaborative relationships with the school and how that makes
18:17
Speaker 1: a difference in your advocacy. I encourage you to listen
18:20
Speaker 1: to that episode as well. But we want to initiate
18:23
Speaker 1: communication with teachers ahead of time, and we had a
18:29
Speaker 1: couple of different things that we always did for that.
18:32
Speaker 1: We always went to the open house night where you
18:36
Speaker 1: got your schedule when he was older, or when you
18:39
Speaker 1: previewed the classroom and met your teacher, and if there
18:42
Speaker 1: was a schedule, we walked the schedule. We did lots
18:45
Speaker 1: of things that really helped. We outline all of those
18:48
Speaker 1: in back to school prep week. But you know, setting
18:53
Speaker 1: up the tone of the relationship with the teachers is
18:58
Speaker 1: super helpful. Share a one page summary of your kid's
19:05
Speaker 1: IEP or five oh four plan one page front only,
19:09
Speaker 1: not front and back, a very simple kind of quick
19:12
Speaker 1: reference so that teachers understand what are their goals and
19:16
Speaker 1: what are their accommodations from day one. Because teachers typically
19:21
Speaker 1: have many kids in their classroom with an IEP or
19:24
Speaker 1: a five oh four, the IEP documents are ginormous, and
19:29
Speaker 1: it seems like the stuff that you really need is
19:32
Speaker 1: buried in there. When I started making this quick reference
19:36
Speaker 1: guide for teachers, it changed so much. They knew from
19:40
Speaker 1: the get go what accommodations they needed to be providing.
19:45
Speaker 1: We didn't have to wait until things fell apart me
19:48
Speaker 1: remind them that there was an IEP them try to
19:50
Speaker 1: go find it and read it. And all this time
19:53
Speaker 1: that elapses in all of this rate was time of
19:57
Speaker 1: lost learning for my kid, stressful for everyone. So not
20:02
Speaker 1: only are we preparing our kids, but we're also prepping
20:06
Speaker 1: their teachers. And again we're setting up a collaborative relationship,
20:12
Speaker 1: a collaborative tone, and we are leaning into proactive partnership
20:19
Speaker 1: rather than reactive panic. And what often happens when we're
20:24
Speaker 1: reactive is it's emotional and it can get nice and
20:27
Speaker 1: kind of ugly, and we don't want that. Nobody is
20:30
Speaker 1: going to make anything better with that sort of adversarial relationship.
20:36
Speaker 1: Quicktip number three our last one front load for emotional safety.
20:44
Speaker 1: As we talked about earlier in the episode, your kid
20:47
Speaker 1: needs to feel safe at school to be available to learn.
20:51
Speaker 1: And that safety isn't just physical safety, it is emotional safety,
20:57
Speaker 1: cognitive safety, social safety. All of those things matter a
21:03
Speaker 1: great deal at school. We're not just going to school
21:06
Speaker 1: and getting academics. There's so much more at play and
21:09
Speaker 1: we need to have all of that on our radar
21:12
Speaker 1: to set our kids up for success. And this is
21:16
Speaker 1: really one of the most powerful and often overlooked strategies
21:20
Speaker 1: for supporting kids in school. So what does front loading
21:23
Speaker 1: emotional safety even mean. It means that we're looking ahead
21:27
Speaker 1: proactively and we're going to ask ourselves three questions. One,
21:32
Speaker 1: where is my child most likely to feel disregulated during
21:36
Speaker 1: the school day? What are those sort of pitfall areas,
21:41
Speaker 1: those sort of sticky, sticky times, sticky points right, what
21:47
Speaker 1: routines or moments tend to set them off? What do
21:52
Speaker 1: you already know might be challenging for your kid. I
21:56
Speaker 1: don't like to make assumptions that something is definitely going
22:00
Speaker 1: to be challenging, but think about what might be and
22:05
Speaker 1: really look at it proactively. And then that third question
22:09
Speaker 1: you're asking yourself is where is my kid most vulnerable
22:15
Speaker 1: to overwhelm, to shut down, to blow ups, to meltdowns
22:19
Speaker 1: to refusal with school. These are the areas that you
22:24
Speaker 1: want to be looking at very proactively. Talk with your
22:29
Speaker 1: kid about some of it, Ask them what they need,
22:32
Speaker 1: Ask them what they feel like might set them off
22:35
Speaker 1: during the school day. What they feel like might lead
22:39
Speaker 1: to dysregulation. What they feel like might lead to overwhelms,
22:43
Speaker 1: shut down, meltdown, blow ups, not wanting to go, not
22:48
Speaker 1: even being able to go. Then we take that information
22:53
Speaker 1: and we create scaffolds around those moments to support our
22:57
Speaker 1: kid's nervous system. An example, really quickly, I used to
23:03
Speaker 1: dread mornings with my kid. Oh my gosh, it was
23:07
Speaker 1: just so much chaos. Nothing would happen. I would nag,
23:11
Speaker 1: nothing would happen. I would repeat myself, nothing would happen,
23:14
Speaker 1: and I would end up yelling. Like every single morning,
23:17
Speaker 1: I would end up yelling because it was the only
23:20
Speaker 1: way I could break that spiral of chaos and get
23:25
Speaker 1: the attention necessary to get the shoes on, to start
23:29
Speaker 1: walking to the car, whatever it was, to brush your teeth,
23:33
Speaker 1: to put some stinking clothes on. It was just horrible.
23:38
Speaker 1: It started the day so awful for everyone, and we
23:41
Speaker 1: all dreaded it and it affected everybody in the household.
23:45
Speaker 1: I would walk on eggshells trying to avoid the meltdown,
23:49
Speaker 1: and yet we would still have explosions because the eggshells
23:53
Speaker 1: didn't work right. Things don't get done when we're walking
23:57
Speaker 1: on eggshells and trying not to trigger something. And of
24:02
Speaker 1: course I tried to stay calm. Of course I tried
24:05
Speaker 1: to stay calm, right, we all want to be calm.
24:09
Speaker 1: Of course we're trying to do that. But it would
24:11
Speaker 1: evolve nonetheless every single day because we didn't have assistance
24:16
Speaker 1: in police, and I didn't understand what was causing all
24:18
Speaker 1: of this. To be able to be more proactive, to
24:21
Speaker 1: be able to lean on some tools and strategies so
24:24
Speaker 1: that we didn't have chaos, we didn't have to yell
24:28
Speaker 1: to get out the door on time, with our teeth,
24:31
Speaker 1: brush and clothes on our bodies, and of course it
24:34
Speaker 1: makes everything worse. Our reactivity only escalates our kids reactivity.
24:41
Speaker 1: You cannot help a disregulated kid regulate if you are
24:46
Speaker 1: disregulated yourself. You cannot co regulate if you are disregulating
24:52
Speaker 1: to yourself. If you have high intensity, you are co escalating,
24:57
Speaker 1: you are not co regulating. So eventually I realized that
25:02
Speaker 1: something had to change. I was definitely missing something, and
25:05
Speaker 1: I had to create more of a sense of safety
25:10
Speaker 1: and predictability. That unpredictability was huge for my kid. It
25:16
Speaker 1: was really very derailing for him, and things just couldn't
25:21
Speaker 1: get done that way. You know, we would definitely go
25:24
Speaker 1: into shutdown and nothing would get done. So when we
25:29
Speaker 1: were creating, when we were focusing on safety and predictability,
25:35
Speaker 1: we weren't focused on we have to get these things done,
25:37
Speaker 1: we have to get out the door. At this time,
25:40
Speaker 1: that was still important. I'm not saying that it's not important,
25:43
Speaker 1: but we were focusing on connection. We were focusing on
25:46
Speaker 1: what does the nervous system need to feel safe enough
25:50
Speaker 1: to follow these steps and get these things done and
25:54
Speaker 1: get out the door without everybody yelling and melting down.
25:58
Speaker 1: And I created this visual morning routine card that was
26:03
Speaker 1: like a game. It was a miracle. I'm sure I've
26:07
Speaker 1: talked about it here before. And I provide the templates
26:11
Speaker 1: for it in back to school prep week and teach
26:14
Speaker 1: you how to create them and how to use them
26:17
Speaker 1: successfully because it's not just a checklist. There's much more
26:20
Speaker 1: to it than that. And we also had sort of
26:25
Speaker 1: this launch pad routine. We started with making choices and
26:29
Speaker 1: prepping the night before. What do you want to pack
26:31
Speaker 1: in your lunch tomorrow or are you buying lunch at school?
26:34
Speaker 1: What do you want for breakfast tomorrow. We're laying out
26:37
Speaker 1: your clothes for tomorrow. We're making sure the shoes are
26:40
Speaker 1: buy the door and ready. And my kid was making
26:43
Speaker 1: these choices where those choices were important to him. He
26:46
Speaker 1: didn't care what he wore to school, so I just
26:48
Speaker 1: set something out appropriate for school in the weather. He
26:51
Speaker 1: did care a lot what he ate for breakfast. He
26:53
Speaker 1: did care what was in his lunch box. So those
26:55
Speaker 1: are the things that he helped with. Right, I had
26:58
Speaker 1: to get his buy in. I went and prepped all
27:01
Speaker 1: these things tonight before, and the next day he was like,
27:02
Speaker 1: I don't like any of those choices. Then we were
27:06
Speaker 1: in a worse spot in the morning instead of a
27:08
Speaker 1: better spot in the morning. Then we added that visual
27:11
Speaker 1: checklist that I was just talking about, and that checklist
27:15
Speaker 1: was for good enough. It was not my ideal of
27:18
Speaker 1: everything that got done in the morning, and that we
27:20
Speaker 1: all left skipping and chanting and singing out the door
27:25
Speaker 1: for school. Right, let's be real, real life. It was
27:30
Speaker 1: good enough. What are the basics that need to get done.
27:34
Speaker 1: We need hygiene, we need clothes on, we need shoes on,
27:37
Speaker 1: we need food. Everything else can sort of wait. There's
27:43
Speaker 1: no perfectionism in the mornings. You will never ever have
27:47
Speaker 1: one peaceful morning if you are searching for perfection, because
27:51
Speaker 1: it doesn't even exist. I also learned to keep the
27:55
Speaker 1: lights low or off in the morning. We didn't do
28:00
Speaker 1: bright lights, we didn't do loud noises. Sometimes there would
28:04
Speaker 1: be music, but it would be soft. What could my
28:07
Speaker 1: kid's nervous system handle in the morning. Thinking about that
28:11
Speaker 1: makes all the difference. We were then building a rhythm,
28:17
Speaker 1: not a schedule, not a checklist, right. We weren't checking boxes.
28:22
Speaker 1: We were creating a predictable flow, and that changed everything.
28:29
Speaker 1: Flow is a beautiful thing. People create some flow, create
28:34
Speaker 1: some routine and rituals so that there is a rhythm,
28:39
Speaker 1: and that rhythm makes all the difference to the nervous system.
28:43
Speaker 1: As a side note, my kid was always up before me,
28:46
Speaker 1: so I didn't have to wake him up in the mornings,
28:48
Speaker 1: and I know that that's a struggle for a lot
28:50
Speaker 1: of you. And if he did struggle, if I did
28:55
Speaker 1: have to wake him up in the mornings, and I
28:57
Speaker 1: knew then what I know now, I would have started
29:02
Speaker 1: with sort of a buffer zone. I would have sat
29:07
Speaker 1: quietly with him and been present while he woke up
29:11
Speaker 1: for a few minutes, not asking for anything, not making
29:14
Speaker 1: any commands, just hey bunny, it's time to start getting up,
29:18
Speaker 1: and then zip it. That can shift that tone right
29:23
Speaker 1: away in the mornings. One client of had even started
29:27
Speaker 1: doing morning stretches with music with their kids, so they
29:30
Speaker 1: were having a transition ritual. They were doing regulation and
29:35
Speaker 1: they were co regulating, and again it really shifts that
29:38
Speaker 1: tone and how you begin the school day. We're talking
29:42
Speaker 1: about emotional readiness here. We're not talking about perfection. We're
29:47
Speaker 1: talking about emotional readiness because when kids feel safe and
29:51
Speaker 1: seen before any demands are placed on them, then they
29:56
Speaker 1: can access their thinking brain. They're more flexible, they're more cooperative,
30:00
Speaker 1: and they are way less likely to explode over the
30:04
Speaker 1: small things like a spilled cup of milk or a
30:07
Speaker 1: seam in their sock. But also seamless socks, folks, they
30:11
Speaker 1: can change your life in the morning too. I promise
30:14
Speaker 1: tagless clothes and seamless socks are a thing. So if
30:17
Speaker 1: mornings are rough in your house, I want you to
30:20
Speaker 1: do two things. Pause and ask yourself what does my
30:24
Speaker 1: child's nervous system need in those moments at that time
30:28
Speaker 1: of day. And then you are going to build a
30:32
Speaker 1: simple scaffold, routines, rituals, visuals, gentleness, low demand that are
30:40
Speaker 1: going to help your kid regulate, not just managing time
30:45
Speaker 1: and tasks. So, if you'd like to do back to
30:49
Speaker 1: school prep week with us, we dive deeper into those things.
30:52
Speaker 1: We dive deeper into a whole bunch of other things.
30:55
Speaker 1: You would leave back to school Prep week with your
30:58
Speaker 1: Advocacy binder completed, done, ready for advocating effectively, ready for
31:06
Speaker 1: being really productive in that right, Like your binder is
31:10
Speaker 1: going to be there, You're going to know how to
31:11
Speaker 1: reference things, and you are going to be on it
31:14
Speaker 1: with Advocacy. We are going to do those routine cards
31:19
Speaker 1: using my templates. We are going to personalize them and
31:21
Speaker 1: create them together in real time. We are going to
31:25
Speaker 1: do some things around nervous system. You are going to
31:28
Speaker 1: first and foremost complete your child's profile and you're going
31:32
Speaker 1: to take a quiz that tells you where their nervous
31:35
Speaker 1: system is most of the time, so that you can
31:38
Speaker 1: create these systems, tools, strategies, preps. All the things that
31:43
Speaker 1: we're doing that are individualized for your kid, that are
31:47
Speaker 1: going to work for your kid. Again, not perfect parenting,
31:52
Speaker 1: proactive parenting, so if you want to join us for
31:55
Speaker 1: back to school Prep Week, you can go to Parenting
31:59
Speaker 1: adhan Autism dot com slash prep pr EP. You will
32:05
Speaker 1: get all the details, all the sessions, the schedule, everything
32:10
Speaker 1: there to know if it's a good fit or not
32:13
Speaker 1: for you. If it is, we would love to have you.
32:17
Speaker 1: There was so much collaboration when we did this last summer.
32:22
Speaker 1: There was a lot of crowdsourcing. Parents are sharing their
32:26
Speaker 1: ideas and what's worked for them, and we even go
32:29
Speaker 1: into things like making your life simpler, how can you
32:32
Speaker 1: make dinner time easier? How can you reduce the demands
32:36
Speaker 1: on yourself as a parent to have less chaos and
32:42
Speaker 1: less stress during the school year. I really hope to
32:45
Speaker 1: see you there. It is not just getting things done,
32:49
Speaker 1: we have fun, We support each other. You will leave
32:53
Speaker 1: feeling so much less alone and so much more prepared
32:57
Speaker 1: for the school year ahead. And also find the show
33:01
Speaker 1: notes for this episode at Parentingadhdunautsism dot com slash three
33:06
Speaker 1: two zero for episode three hundred and twenty and I
33:10
Speaker 1: will definitely have the link there to register and get
33:13
Speaker 1: more information about Back to School Prep Week as well.
33:16
Speaker 1: If you are listening to this after prep week happened.
33:19
Speaker 1: After the end of July twenty twenty five, you can
33:24
Speaker 1: purchase all of the replays and you can use it
33:27
Speaker 1: in the exact same way to walk you through prep
33:31
Speaker 1: for this school year coming up, or for any school
33:34
Speaker 1: year in the future. So I just I know a
33:36
Speaker 1: lot of people find us later after the timeframe in
33:40
Speaker 1: which the episode's published, so there's something there for you
33:43
Speaker 1: as well. And I do wish you as smooth a
33:49
Speaker 1: transition as is possible in our complex families, and I
33:54
Speaker 1: will see you on the next episode. Take really good care.
34:00
Speaker 1: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
34:04
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
34:06
Speaker 1: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
34:09
Speaker 1: and leave a quick review so others can find this
34:12
Speaker 1: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
34:16
Speaker 1: Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
34:20
Speaker 1: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
34:25
Speaker 1: more info at regulated kids dot com.